thankyou for clicking on here. I can't tell anyone in my life. I can't. I have learned over time that I deal with lonliness by eating alot and in a frenzy. Well, my boyfriend moved in a year ago and with the help of a sleeping pill, pain pill and xanax addiction I was able to quit eating! Real good huh?

It was actually easier to quit the pill addiction than the food. No pills No overeating for 6 months. 2 weeks ago my boyfriend started a really good night job that will advance his career. I just realized tonight the food addiction is back. It came on slowly then tonight I was right back there.

I went to Sonic and ordered a regular meal and a kids meal (pretending that it wasn't all for me). I got home and I wasn't able to finish it all. But I am sure that will come soon.

The feelings are back the lonliness. The need to get food and lots of it and to sit in front of the TV with as much food as I want and eat all these warm carbs.

Tonight I found myself thinking - where can I get some more pills? I'd rather dope myself up with drugs than the food. Then I started to think about how alcohol would be easier. Isn't that nuts?

I am trying to hide the food bags inthe trash. I can't let anyone especially my BF know I am relapsing. It is so humilitating.

Thats why i need some help. Please help. I know I need to talk to my counselor. But this is so hard I need to talk to you guys who deal with this in the real world everyday.

If you read this far thankyou.

[This message has been edited by Citykittie (edited 09-27-2003).]

City,
First of all hugs to you and all that you are going through right now. I am sorry everything seems to be coming out of the closet. I am glad you have a counselor you can talk to but I definitely understand the need to connect with real people who understand what you are going through. You are NOT a failure. ED's are so hard to beat and at different times in our lives we seem to fall back into old patterns of coping - at least for me. I wish you all the luck in the world honey. Hugs again.

Marci

Thank you Marci, thanks for responding. Sometimes on health boards its hard to get people to respond. You see all these views of your post and feel like people are just reading your heart pouring out and your pain like its the Oprah show and they don't even take the time to say Good Luck. Or anything. I don't know I am just so depressed and scared. And I can't admit to anyone in my life I have started again. I want to stop before this takes control of me. Thanks again Marci

Hey!
I especially wanted to reply to your psot because I understand the way u feel so well. I sorta had an addiction to caffeine pills for a while..I had 18 a day some days because I just didn't want to feel 'down-to-earth' coz that's when I felt the real hard-hitting feelings that I brushed under a mat. I started drinking even before I went to school, but only enough to make me feel light-headed. I think that u need to invite more people over to come and see u or u visiting them. It seems that your feelings over loneliness seem to be a main cause for this being triggered off again.

I really hope things get better for u soon..

Loads of love

Carolinex

(((((CityKittie)))))

I can really relate. I understand how humiliating it is and the hiding of food bags, etc. I do the same thing. The one time I forgot about food addiction and binging was when I was taking xanax and a migraine pain medication every day. (You and I have a lot in common) I hide it from people and I eat secretly.
I find myself wanting to go back on meds then to be back on food! Geez. I also thought about alcohol.
A few shots here, a few there, and maybe I will feel to crappy to want food or maybe the booze will numb me and my brain or something. You're not alone and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. We can e-mail if you'd like a friend to vent to who understands.

City - I hope talking to us has helped you at least a little bit. I think most of here probably need professional help, but it's so hard to take that first step. For some reason it seems easier to write about than to actually talk about it, ya know?

We're all here for you.

*Hugs*
Chris

City,
Your message really touched me ;-) Just thought I would say hi and see how you were doing?