:( Today was another difficult day. My oldest sister had to leave to go home and it was so hard watching her say good bye to my mom as they both know she may never see her alive again. I took my sister to the airport and decided to skip the freeway home and drive down Pacific Coast Highway as it is a beautiful day and I thought seeing the ocean ( which I miss when I am down here and not at home where I live close to the beach) might cheer me up but it didn't as I think I cried during the whole drive. I passed Hoag Hospital in Newport beach which made me think of Stan and Kim as Stan gets his chemo there and that only made me sadder.Kim has not posted over the weekend which has me worried as I know Stan was having a hard time. Kim and I are so close yet so far being we are both in Orange County right now.

My mom is very lethargic we get her to eat small bites and drink small amounts but so far she has not improved at all so I figure the changes that happen before we die are already starting. It is really difficult to watch.

An elderly neighbor/friend of my mom's stopped by to see her. That was hard too as my mom and her are the only two old women left now in the neighborhood and soon it will just be her. She lost her husband to cancer a few years ago, has no children, and only has a brother that lives in another state. She was so sad seeing my mom that it got my tears flowing yet again.

I have cried so much today! I keep getting e-mails from my coworkers and one of them called this morning. They all want to help in some way but I don't know what to tell them as we are 120 miles apart. But I will tell all of you I do have great coworkers, we are all like family and take care of each other. Most of these people have worked with me 15 -24 years! We all joke how before long we will all be hobbling down the halls at the hospital with our walkers since most of us will be here until death or retirement.Hopefully it is retirement! Though I do not have to tell any of you how it could be the other. I thought I would be enjoying not going to work but now I realize how much those people hold me up when I was going home to work weekends these past two years. I think that is what is the hardest for me no friends nearby to lean on. All my highschool friends left this area over the past 30 yrs since we graduated. I am thankful I have this cyber family to turn to as it is all of you that are holding me up and I thank you. Sharing what I know with you helps too as if I didn't do that I feel my mom's experience would have no value. Funny until now I never considered Lung cancer as having Value but being able to pass info on and help others and hopefully prevent even one death gives it much value.

Tomorrow my other sister comes and she will be here 2 weeks so that will help. My thoughts and prayers to all of you tonight, I can only pray that tomorrow is a better day.

Jan if you are reading this I hope you had a nice time camping and could feel me at that campfire eating somores and drinking wine. You have been on my mind all weekend. (((( HUGS))):wave: JanMarie

Janmarie,

I have tears in my eyes for you. At the same time, I am glad that perhaps your mom will finally go home and be at peace. I am glad that she is suffering no more.

You have been instrumental to this bb. I know for sure you have helped my mother, and thanks to you and all of your info, I have been better prepared and more knowledgable with moms oncologist. Thank you.........

You, your family and mom will be in my prayers.

Please stay here and get all the love and caring you need from all of us.

God Bless you! Your posts are always so enjoyable, and informative.

Angel

I am sorry your day was so sad. Know that there are many many prayers and good thoughts coming to you.

Sometimes we need a day of tears to help us get through. It can be a very healthy thing. None of us can be strong all the time.

I recently posted and you responded and it helped me alot, so thank you, and I hope that knowing I am thinking of you and praying for you and your mom can help you just a little!

You take care of yourself and know that there is always support here and lots and lots of cyber hugs!

Molly

hi Janmarie-

Even on bad day you manage to be an encouragement to others. You not only bring knowledge and experience to this board, but a tender human spirit.

Some dear firends of mine lost their dad last week and we attended his funeral on Saturday. He was a remarkable man who had been sick for sometime. When the doctors could do no more, he and his family elected to remove the life support and the doctors gave him but a few hours. The kids all could sing (one,my good friend, is the music minister at our church) and spent that time saying their goodbyes and singing songs and hymns. At some point they sang his favorite song (oh, what a savior) and their dad was able to raise his hands in worship, then passed before they finished the song.

What a way to go. He was obviously ready and fear had no place there. From things you have written, it sounds like your mom is ready. I hope and pray that her passing in peaceful, for all of you. I can't help but think of Psalm 23 where the psalmist says "Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me..."

God bless you, your mom and your family as you continue through this difficult time. Thanks again, for being part of this place.

conan

Janmarie

It hurts to find you in such low spirits; you have been in my thoughts over the weekend, and I had hoped your sister's visit and your having Family Leave would give you some relief; but there's nothing that can alleviate the sadness and heartache when you are watching your Mom fade, is there?
I'm sorry to hear she hasn't improved, and can only offer my prayers.

I understand how hard it must be having no friends nearby. I was in the same position when I was caring for my Mum, eight months of quiet isolation.
Take strength from the thought of the countless people who have taken you to their hearts because of your sharing on this board, the special friends you have made through your exchange of posts, and the co-worker family who clearly must love you.

Your sharing of your knowledge and feelings, and your Mom's journey, is of such great value...like Angel, I feel better informed and better prepared to deal with matters and your thoughtful responses to me, as to so many others, touch the heart.

I am so glad your other sister is going to be with you tomorrow and for the coming weeks, that you'll have her company and support. My prayers are said for you and all your family, but especially for your Mom.

Dear JanMarie, first of all <<<GIANT CYBER-HUGS!!>>>
I hate to hear about your little ma doing so poorly. I can totally relate to the feeling of helplessness as we watch our loved one slip inch by inch. No amount of encouragement or love can make that food or drink move past the lips. Bud was the same way. And, at times when he did ask for something to drink, he just couldn't tolerate it. It would just pool in the back of his throat, as if his digestive system had already stopped functioning. Of course the swallowing reflex pretty much disappeared after the stroke, but even before....We began to freeze fruit drinks like Juicy Juice grape and such and place a few of the ice chips right inside the lips and let them melt. Also, they make these oral swabs. I call them sponge on a stick. That helped too.
JanMarie, I hold you so close to my heart. We have been through so much together in all of these months that we have been on HB. Camping was good and bad. Sat my oldest stepdaugther Angie came up with her friend Diane and the three of us sat around the camp and did a whole lot of talking. It was good for Angie and me. Sun my SIL Sandy and her beau Dennis came in the show me how to winterize the camper. It was nice seeing them as always and I look forward to going to their house on Thanksgiving Day. Sun afternoon I worked my fanny off....I brought up another half truck load of firewood that I not only loaded, but unloaded and stacked neatly under our lean-to. Raked about a million and a half leaves into the ravine, rolled up all of the hoses and put them up for the winter, cooked beef stew from scratch over the fire, and overall stayed busy. Then it got pretty cold and the tears started flowing and flowing. Down to 37 that night so I ended up going inside and turning on the heat. I had intentions of coming home Tue but began to feel unwell and chose to break camp and come on home. JanMarie, you and Kim were there with me, around that fire, crying , laughing, eating smores and drinking a bit of wine.. :)
I am here for you JM, any day, any time. Same way I feel about Kim. After this journey that we have shared as caregivers, I hope to remain in touch with both of you for a long long time.
I cry everyday, mostly in the early morning when I first awaken and realize my wonderful Bud is not laying beside me. I'm not sure I can ever sleep in our bed again, so the couch makes for a nice substitute. Then, during the day, something will come along that I would just love to tell him about, so then I end up finding myself talking to him audibly and wonder if I am going crazy. Followed by more tears because he is so far away now. But I have been reading books on grief and that is normal. Tomorrow I return to work. I have been gone since the last day of Sept, right before he went into the hospital with pneumonia. Part of me is looking forward to it, and part of me just doesn't have the "oomph" to do it. I am so tired, actually exhausted is better wording. Physically, mentally and most importantly, emotionally. Everyone at work has been so wonderful and I share your sentiment about having the best co-workers on the planet. They are all looking forward to seeing me and having lunch together again, as for almost all of 2006 I had been going home at lunch to be with Bud and keep him company if even for a short while. Now it's time to hit the ground running and I just don't have the energy. In just a couple of weeks I'll be moving again and after that I hope to engage coasting speed and just end the year quietly and slowly.

I keep you all in my prayers. The holidays are going to be tough for so many. I pray God will surround us with his loving presence and gives that deep abiding peace within our hearts. God bless you all...

Jan

Hi JanMarie- I'm very new to this site and find myself already receiving many benefits from reading the postings. I can see you are very much loved in this small community and I wish you and your family peace, health, and abundance. Tom

JanMarie,
I am so saddened to read your mom is slowly shutting down. I know it is hard to see a parent die. (as I am sure you witness all the time at work) You are a fantastic daughter and what a special bond you two have. (most mother/daughters don't have that) You will carry those memories with you for a lifetime and look back on them when you have that void. I wish there was something comforting to say to take your pain away as you watch your mom leave your side, but I just don't have anything magical JanMarie to ease your pain, other than a hug for you...okay! HUGS and big HUGS! I am sorry I have not been on the posting board as Stan is having a tough time. He will only have one more chemo on Dec. 4th and the doctor wants him to stop. (I think he is thinking what I am...the chemo is going to kill him!) Stan should have been feeling better before he started, but it took everything for him to go to Andrew's last game. Oh, it was so emotional and sad. (I know just a game, but his last High School football game) They did a dedication to the Senior's Parents and said something nice about the boys and then the boys handed their mom a flower and then took photos. I think I will forever cherish that photo knowing how determined Stan was to get in the shower to make it to his last game. Our number 21 Warrior is done for the year, what number were your nephews? Wonder if they had the same number? Are they finished with their season? But...on a positive note Andrew had quit soccer when Stan was diagnosed with cancer and has decided to play for the High School team for his Senior year but not club soccer. I am happy he is keeping busy and encourage him. Stan loves to see Andrew play sports so maybe this will give Stan more push to make it to the soccer games.
Please know JanMarie you are close to my heart and prayers for you and your mom and family. Oh, you had me in tears as you probably drove right by us yesterday! We were at the doctor's yesterday and today! Infact, I was in a Starbucks on PCH while Stan was at chemo yesterday!
Hugs,
Kim

Jan and Kim, I am terribly sorry to hear about your mom and Stan...You're posts have gotten me thru many stressful and tiring times. When I was ready to toss in the towel and hand over the torch to another family member, I would sit here and read about your mom, Stan and Bud....and It's hard to know what to say at this moment, but please try to remember that all this time has not been wasted...it has been an amazing journey and has brought you even closer to your loved ones. And although it's extremely difficult to see them this way...they love you for being there with them and helping them along the way.
I'm not sure what it is about the 4th or 5th line of chemo...my father has been showing signs of "wear" with his treatments...extremely pale, not eating well, constantly sleeping. His white cells were low again, so they postphoned the chemo until tomorrow (from last week)...It is a shame that what helps stop the cancer is also something that makes the patient weaker before getting stronger....but,it is worth every minute of the fight, as there are survivors out there and we can only hope it will be us in that position one day. anything is possible.
I only hope that one day there will be a cure or a med or something to stop this terrible disease from coming this far.
I keep you guys in my thoughts each day
Jeanie

God bless you JanMarie.

I am watching my husband disappear, as you are with your mother, before my eyes. Cancer takes the body, the spirit and eventually the life of our loved ones. It is very sad and painful.

Asking God to give you strength and courage as you continue this walk with your mother. God bless her too.

linda

JanMarie,
Thinking of you and wondering how your mom is doing and how you are holding up.
Is all about the same? I see some postings on here from you, but nothing about you or your mom.
I hope there is some improvement and hope nothing was said to offend you in my last posting.
Hugs and Prayers,
Kim

Thinking about you JanMarie. You are surrounded with love and prayers. Please take care of yourself as you hang tought for your mama.....

love you
Jan

Time has been limited and I have been meaning to respond to these posts but by the time I read the new ones and reply to them I am always too tired to get back to this one. This stage of the disease involves alot more care.

My mom is never too thrilled to get out of bed in the morning and says " Oh I think I will just stay in bed " But since I have to get her up to the commode I then take her out to the recliner in the living room. Sitting up like that is good for her lungs and then she is not alone as she would be at times if she stayed in bed. The decadron is making her hungrier and she is doing pretty good there thou I have to feed her as giving her the food or drink is now like handing it to a young toddler she would end up wearing it all:rolleyes: . She can not get up and walk at all so relies on me to get her up , get her to the commode and back to bed at night time. She has some lucid moments and alot of not so lucid and sometimes her speech is slurred and other times it is fine. Friends have been stopping by or calling and somehow she always manages to be rather lucid for those times and even gets a smile on her face which is nice for the visitors to see. Today the guy that does her hair came by to see her. He is 51 and is sort of another son to both my parents as they both love him and his wife and he loves them back. He is such a nice guy and once again it was hard watching him say good bye.He told her she has been his favorite woman since he met her 20 yrs ago. People that know my mom tend to love her alot as she always treats everyone so kind and shows such interest in their lives.

Yesterday two old friends called her one was the mother of April, who was my mom's gardening buddy that I mentioned in another post . April was my best childhood friend's sister so her parents and whole family mean alot to me. After her mom spoke to my mom she asked to talk to me and told me her third child,a son that is 2 years older then me( as a little girl I had a major crush on him as he was so cute!) has terminal colon cancer and was going into hospice care. It broke my heart. I told her as difficult as this has been with my mom that at least being the child I grew up with the expectation I would outlive my parents but that I can not even begin to imagine the pain involved when you are the parent watching a child die as you do not live your life expecting to out live them. :(

Kim, It is so odd as when I drove by Hoag the other day I was wondering if you were there and I even thought maybe you were in a coffe shop around there..weird huh? I guess the vibes were in the air. My one nephew's football # is 69 but I can not rememebr the youngest one that played JV's #. The one that graduated last year played football for Brethern too I think he started off as #9 then switched to # 1 . Last year the two oldest played Volleyball too but I have not heard if anyone will be playing it this year. They also use to belong to a couple hockey leagues but gave that up for football. It keeps them busy that is for sure. My sister in law said if my mom had died that first year it would have been very hard on all three boys but now that they see what "Grandma" is going through they all seem to understand that in a way her death will be a good thing as she will be free from all that this disease and its treatment has done too her. They will miss her alot but thanks to the time they have been given with her it will be easier for them.I know your boys are thankful for this time with their dad too.By the way I have loved reading the exchanges between you and Conan as I can see him finding alot of comfort in them. My heart breaks for him and Patsy as I can not imagine having to deal with all of this and have 3 young kids plus the older ones.

Linda I am sorry you have to watch your husband go through all of this too. Once one is diagnosed with cancer it just invades the whole family and pretty much every aspect of that families lives.

Jeanie, Sorry to hear your dad is so weak but by the time you are on 4th or 5th line chemo most people are exhausted as it is so difficult on the body. My mom feared the chemo would kill her before the cancer did when she started having trouble with the 4th line chemo that is why she opted to stop.It just gets to be too much when your quality of life diminishes to nothing. I hope you dad can find the strength to continue on as it certainly does not get easier.

Jan, not a day passes that I do not think of you and pray that you are doing ok. I can imagine the void you must have felt camping and still feel at home or other places that make you think of Bud. I draw so much strength from you! I hope things are going well back at work and that you and Bugs are adjusting to the change in your life. Give Bugs a doggie biscuit for me!

Once again it is time to go get some sleep. I am getting up at 5AM on Saturday and driving home to Santa Barbara to get some things and take care of a few things and to get my Dash dog to the vets as he has a weird growth that has suddenly gotten larger on his back leg that I am not feeling too good about. I think it might be a mast cell tumor which is not a good thing. I will get it cut off and if it is a mast cell tumor and the vets suggests chemo I think I will instead opt to give him Poly MVA.

This evening my Jazz dog got into a fight with Phoenix one of my parents dogs then Dash jumped in to help. I can't get mad as all the dogs are so stressed by what is happening with my mom.Jazz ended up with a bite in the corner of her eye lid which bled and Phoenix had a bite in her ear that bled all over her but other then that all is fine and neither bite is that serious.It will be good for my dogs to spend a night home away from all of this. My sister and Dad will be taking care of my mom but due to the fact my dad is 82 and my sister is recovering from back surgery I plan to only be gone over night and will return Sunaday morning. Well Good night. My prayers go out to all of you. JanMarie

JanMarie,
Thanks for taking the time to write the long informative posting. It sounds as though you are busy 24/7 and hope you are getting some sleep since you are having to help your mom up to use the restroom. It is good you are getting your mom sitting up in her chair...you are so good to her! Amazing what those steroids do with the appetite! Stan is on a low dose of it during his chemo and today at lunch (yes, got him out for lunch after him staying home all week!!!!!!....but it took until 2pm, but he did it!) Anyway, we got a bowl of soup and shared a chicken dish and silly me forgot about the steroids and I only put a couple of bites on my plate and went to put some more chicken on my plate to see his plate was empty. I was laughing and just happy to see him eating! I did not care if I was not completely full just knowing he enjoyed the meal and has the appetite.
Nice your mom had some old friends call, but amazing to her so many dealing with cancer. So sad your mom had to hear about the son...so sad and what a fighter.
You know you worded it so well about your nephews dealing with their Grandma's illness and when she dies you think they will be ready and I think you are right. They see Grandma not doing well, so makes sense what you said, not the healthy, happy Grandma they once knew. Your mom sounds like one of the most beautiful people! Oh, I did not see#69 on that team...hhhmmm, I am so confused. It is good the boys keep busy with their sports and I am sure Grandma always like hearing about their games on her better days. Oh yes, I think my boys are very grateful they have had their dad fight this hard and when dad gets upset with them they just walk away now say...oh it is the chemo making him grouchy...so sad to see that. Andrew knows when to keep distance, but Anthony is still young and does not quite understand to keep the distance.
Yes, somehow I felt I needed to connect with Conan and so happy I did! He has helped me in many ways and I admire his strength and how does he raise all those kids and raise his wife?! I don't think he realizes how much he is really doing...an amazing man! I have a hard enough time with my 2 and cannot imagine them any younger! We are all given some tough times in life and think during them it is best to have a sounding board/support system to keep your head above water. (it works for me!)
Enjoy your quick trip home, which I am sure will have a lot of thinking time on the drive both ways. I hope your dogs are doing okay...what a mess!
My eyes are actually closing as I type this so need to call it a night. Thanks again for taking the time to share how your mom is doing. Good to hear you are taking a JanMarie day, but guess not really since you must take care of things at home.
You take care of yourself and have a safe trip.HUGS
Prayers for your mom and all the others on the posting board,
Kim

Kim-

That is great to hear Stan is eating like that! I recall many days in the hospital when Patsy literally would not eat more than 2 bites a day and eventually lost 12 lbs in on week. I was in such aganony -no matter what I tried she would not eat. I cried a river that week, I thought she giving up. I have sinced learned you just can't make them eat when they just aren't able. But when they do, it sure feels good.

And you miss Kim sure know how to make a little guy feel like a big deal. I bet Stan feels like the king of the world (only without the Titanic). I'm sure glad you don't see my weaknesses and faults (as I write, Jason is turning flips off the couuch arms) ...I would loose my superhero status for sure :D . However I have truly been blessed with all things, which includes having friends like you during the time. On the other hand, I have 3 little blessings that promise to keep me from doing anything else restful ...so I have to run. Take care and I'll talk to you soon.

Janmarie-

Question: Are you your mom's hospice nurse? If so, what kind of support/resources do you get? I hope you are able to get some rest and enjoy this time with your mom as much as you are able.

conan

Yes, the lack of eating can really take a toll on one's body and we worry so much when we see they have cut back or are not eating. It is good too that JanMarie can get her mom to eat now, even if she has to feed her. I cannot imagine watching Patsy lose 12lbs! Oh, along with your kids you are my superhero...thanks for using that word as I was at a loss for one to use! Keep it up and I am sure you are like me when you are tired and think how can you go on and then you remember the kids or they do something that just makes you want to hug them. And..then there are the moments when you are ready to call it quits and are in tears and know you still must go on even though the kids did not do what they were to to do or you are just having a bad day. I just thank God I am healthy enough to care for everyone as I am sure you do the same!
As far as your question Conan and not sure how much you know about Hospice, but a lot of people have a misconception of how Hospice works. (and correct me if I am wrong, but this is what I have dealt with in the past) You have Hospice that just comes in to check on your loved one, they order meds for you, answer any questions and concerns and order any equipment you are in need of...that type of stuff. Then there is the Hospice that you live in a Hospice facility and you have care to feed you and bathe you and to change you, meciate you. My FIL had he one that came to the home, my father had the one where he lived in a home. We were forunate with both and they were wonderful. My MIL hated them and still talks bad about them to this day accusing them of killing my FIL, please! You must consider the source as she is a bitter lady.
JanMarie you are in my thoughts and know you will be thinking of your mom while you are away, but good you are getting away to take care of a few things. Enjoy our beautiful sunny weather here in Southern Calif!
I will keep you in my prayers as always.
JanMarie and Conan and many others on the posting board...thanks so much!
Kim

Kim-

I one of those who is not that famaliar with hospice -so thanks. Patsy does a home health nurse who comes by once a week to changes the bandages on her pick line and checks her vitals (but I flush her line daily). If it comes down to end of life care, I will probably cut back to part-time work and stay home and share those repsonsibilites with the in-laws (depending on how tolerable that would be).

Sorry to hear about your FIL. Mine passed away 3 years of a massive heart attack, then Patsy's mom remarried 5 months later which was a sore spot for her for a while. But the man she married (his name is Stan) is a great guy. Stan had lost his wife 3 weeks earlier to cancer. He can be good to talk to, but I can't ever get him away from the MIL. Whenever I have, she has to know what we are talking about :rolleyes: ...then you have to explain stuff to her she doesn't understand ...and it becomes a hassle.

Maybe that was an over-share :eek: However, I really am nice to her and put up with the majority of her nonsense. I do feel bad for both of them as I ponder how difficult it is to lose a spouse.

conan

My trip home to Santa Barbara was nice but way too short as I drove home at 6Am Saturday and left to come back here at 9AM Sunday so I did not have to deal with traffic. It was nice to sleep in my own bed and have the peace and quiet of my own home. I took some plants over to a friends so got to see a friendly face for awhile:) . Took Dash dog to the vets, my vet is on vacation but has another vet filling in and when I explained the situation I am in he decided to squeeze my dog in to Surgery that Sat. afternoon as he felt he could do it under a local and some morphine and said most other vets would want to put him under a general.He cut the growths off and stitched up the leg that had the one growth that suddenly grew big. Now I wait for results. Good thing I have had alot of practice waiting!Of course when we got back to my mom's the first thing Dash did was jump in the pool:dizzy:. He has not gone in the pool at all this summer thou he use to be in it all the time so here he is with stitches that are not suppose to get wet and in he goes! Dogs!!

Conan, Kim gave you a great description of Hospice. I am not my mom's hospice nurse but I am her care giver. The hospice nurse comes to the house once or twice a week or more if called and checks her over and asks me lots of questions about how she is doing. Twice a week a home health aide comes to give her a bath. There is a chaplin and social worker too that will come out if you need them and it is even possible to get volunteers to come sit with her if I need to run to the store or go out for a short time and there is no one else to help. They also supply everything like commodes. hospital beds, walkers , wheelchairs, even diapers, wipes and medicines that are related to end of life issues. I do not know how they differ as this is all part of the senior care program with Kaiser My parents HMO. All of that is great but basic care giving such as getting her up to sit in a chair or on the commode, feeding her and things like brushing her teeth and washing her face and hands and putting lotion on all fall to me. So it can be quite exhausting. It is like having a baby or toddler except the body is bigger.


Kim, You are right my mom is a beautiful person as she has always cared so much about others even those that are having difficult periods. My cousins ex wife was a alcoholic and though divorced from him for over 20 yrs she has stayed in touch with my mom and told me she loves my mom as my mom was one of the few people that was nice to her and did not judge her when she had the drinking problems.( she has been sober for years now and drives a race car! really neat lady:) )

My mom's kindness is even more obvious now as people that love her come to see her as they range in all ages and you can see the love they feel towards her.She just had a way of connecting with people. She knew all the checkers at the grocery stores, even knew about their families as she just seemed to never miss an opportunity to connect with people.

Opps I made a mistake Christopher's football number is 66 not 69! Don't know how I got that wrong.Zach the one on JV was 64.

I have to say once again that Stan amazes me and I am glad to hear that his steriod days he is able to eat well as it does help keep their strength up. I think about your boys and Conan's kids all the time and am always glad to see when they are doing normal kid things as we only get one childhood.


My mom is about the same.Her brother in law who is 86 drove here from New Mexico to see some relatives and he spent Sunday with my mom and sat and held her hand and talked to her. I think it was hard for him as his own wife, my mom's sister died of ovarian cancer just a few years ago and I think seeing my mom like this brought up his own painful memories. He is up at one of my cousins ( San Jose area) for the holidays but says he and my cousin will come back down here next week before he heads for home.
My mom seemed to follow his conversations well. She seems to be so out of it but is really laying there listening as suddenly she will make a comment that shows she is listening, sometimes the commenct makes perfect sense other times the words are slurred or messed up.



Well I need to get the day started, I did get up at 6:30 and took a 4o minute walk with my sister and my Jazz dog. We have been doing that everymorning as it is a great way to destress and start a new day. I will miss it when my sister goes home next week.Guess me and Jazz dog will have to do it alone.

Jan, I hope your days are going well there must be some comfort in being back at work with your coworkers who care about you but I know your nights are probably too long and quiet right now.Stay busy and give Bugs a big dog bone for me as I am sure the dog misses Bud too. You are in my thoughts everyday and along with all the others here you remain in my prayers. (((((HUGS to all))))) JanMarie;)

Dearest JanMarie, you and your mom are always in my thoughts, as well as Dash and Jazz. Days are filled with work right now, so you are right that the activity keeps my mind busy but when I come at night, after all of the running and working, that's when it hits me. And, at night when I wake up ever-faithfully at 3 am (I guess my body thinks I still need to do meds, breathing treatments, and assist Bud to the potty) I feel for him while still in a sleepy daze and then the cold pillow reminds me instantly that no matter how desperately I miss him, he is just not there. You know, I caught myself saying "I would anything to bring him back". But truthfully, I adored that man and nothing in the world would prompt me to bring him back so that he would have to go to the end-life struggle again, all that pain and suffering. Nope. I love him too much to ask that of him. So, I must pick myself up by my bootstraps and straighten my shoulders out and be brave and strong. Life is not and never will be the same again. But, one day I will see him again and what a wonderful day that will be!!! I hope they allow kisses and hugs in Heaven! :D

JanMarie, give the doggies a good pat and ear-rub from Bugs and me.

I hope everyone here has a good and safe Thanksgiving. I send my love, prayers, hugs, and healing to all of you from my little bleary corner of SW Indiana.

Jan

Hi JanMarie,
I hope and pray your mom had a "good" day and how special for her brother-in-law to come visit her and take the time, especially knowing how hard the emotions must be seeing your mom like you said bringing back the memories of his wife...how heartbreaking, but wonderful he made the effort to come visit! I bet it made your mom's day and put a smile on her face!
Sorry to hear about Dash and hope the results show nothing serious and what a handful jumping in the pool!
How is your mom's pain? Have you been able to maintain the meds so she is not in any pain? Are they keeping her on steroids?
Question for anyone out there....Stan gets hives that pop up on his arm or behind his knees and swell up and itch like crazy and he tries not to itch and then within 10 minutes they are gone and then back again. It has been happening with other chemos too and spoke to the RN yesterday and she thinks it is some reaction with the chemo working its way thru his body...odd, huh?! I should have written down what day it happens after chemo. At his doctor's office no one else has ever had that problem. (figures!)
Conan,
I do hope all is well with Patsy and she can enjoy Thanksgiving! I have to make you laugh...went to the doctor yesterday and they asked Stan if we were ready for Thanksgiving and he so quickly replies...yes, everything is ready...I had to laugh! He looked at me and then we both laughed and they know him all too well at the doctor's office and know he does not even make a sandwich so then they all began laughing too. It's amazing how special those laughs are as silly as they are! I hope you can have some of those laughs with Patsy. How is she doing? You take care and don't over do it! (I know not possible, right?!)
Jan,
Many hugs and love to you! You are in my thoughts and prayers daily getting you thru the tough time, especially since the Holidays are upon us you will be close to my heart.
I hope everyone is having a "good" week to enjoy the Holiday!
Kim

Kim-

Your story put a smile on my face...thanks!. Yeah ...we try to have as many laughs as possible. I have always been able to make her laugh ( ...I can hear her say .."Conan, your so bad") ...but its not that easy to get a laugh out of her as it used to be. I have been up since about 4 this morning not able to sleep thinking about things too much. Patsy has been down from chemo since Saturday. But I am taking the rest of the week off as my mom is coming down for a few days, which should make the week easier. Seeing how the day goes I may pop back on tonight. If I don't talk to you sooner, I hope you have a wonerful Thanksgiving and are able too share some laughs and make some more memories.

Janmarie-

Thanks for sharing. Its was good to hear from you. As always, I enjoy reading your posts. I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving day and weekend.

With tomorrow being Thanksgiving I just wanted to zip off a quick post and wish everyone a blessed love filled Thanksgiving. So many of you here are included on my list in things I have to be thankful for and I will send extra prayers your way tomorrow. Try to have a good day! JanMarie