I'm sitting here playing my violin and singing the same old song. you all know how it goes so sing along, "I tried to taper again and the damn pills just got the best of me." i think i have tried to taper about 50 times in the last 2 years on these pills and for some reason i keep telling myself that the next time will be different even though i know it's a lie.
this time WILL be different because i have a different plan. i finally decided to go back to my doctor and come clean, so to speak. she helped me set up an appointment w/an out patient treatment program where i went today. thursday i start detox. i am excited and scared and anxious, worried all that. they didn't talk much about what was going to happen or how i was going to feel but they did say that i would be comfortable and wouldn't have to experience w/d. they said to plan to be there for about 3 hours on thursday and then i will have to come back each morning for about an hour for the next 5 days. does this treatment sound like anything anyone is familiar with? i'd like to know what's in store for me for the next week. i should have asked more ?'s but i was really nervous and embarassed.
i am soooo ready to be done w/these stupid pills.
aren't you proud of me bob?:)

Good for you Marie, that takes a LOT of courage to come clean with your Dr. Is this the same Dr that is prescribing you the medication? If so than that is a great start as she probably won't want to prescribe them to you anymore if you told her EVERYTHING? so that is was a smart thing to do.

I would want to no more about this detox your going to. Its important to know what there game plan is for you, as not all rehabs are the same and you need to know what there going to do for you? Do they have a web site you could check out, or can you E Mail them if your not comfortable asking them in person? Sometimes E Mail is a good way to get your information.

I wish you the BEST of luck getting off the ultram and will be curious to hear how the detox is working for you. Maybe they will give you suboxone or some benzo's? if there telling you you won't have any W/D'S than I would have to know what they were going to give me in advance so I could do my research. I mean they could be offering you methadone for all you know or some kind of other narcotic.

I hope this works out for you and that your Dr know's not to prescribe them anymore as that will make things a lot easier as you won't have access to them anymore.

Hugs and a big congrats to you!:blob_fire

SS

Hey Marie,
I think you are really brave to do this!! I wouldn't wish my last 2 weeks on anyone that is for sure and if you can do this in a safe environment under medical care...I think that is so great. I was too afraid to "come out" to my doc so I am really in awe of your courage. I did taper but probably not long enough so I still had bad WD, as you have probably noticed by my posts.
I finally feel like I am out of the woods. I have NO desire to relapse. The anxiety is getting a bit better. I am able to take xanax and not abuse it, but just take as needed.

One thing I think you will get from this is the group support. I finally went to a recovery meeting last night and there were several there who seemed to all have come from the same outpatient program (some alcohol, some opiate addictions)They had a great rapport with each other and just being there felt so ...safe I guess. I mean it's great to type away here on this board ...I thank the universe for this place! But, there's nothing quite like actual human interaction and commiseration with actual facial expressions and emotions out for all to see and hear.

Keep us posted.
Sending you lots of hugs and strength.
Minn

Hey Marie, It’s a good thing that you are trying another way to break the habit. Definitely ask questions. Don’t be afraid or ashamed about talking with them. They are there for you. Yes, they might be busy people, but they SHOULD be willing to answer all questions that you may have. I’m hoping they will give you the short term sub. Minn is right about the support groups. After coming out of my 4 day detox, I went to group for 3 hours mon, tues, and Thursday. It was awesome!!! When you said you felt safe. During my first month, when I was in an na meeting or my support group, I had a very strong comfort feeling. It just helps being around people that have gone/ or going through what you are going through. Hard to explain. It just works well. Best of luck to you and I hope to see your posts.

Bob- I’m not looking forward to the day when I have surgery. I hope that day never comes. Did you tell them that you had prior problems with pills? I can remember when I was in a pretty bad car accident, when I got in the ER, I told them that I had problems with taking pills before. They waited prob like 2 hours before giving me a shot of dilated(sp). The pain was pretty bad-Had a major bruise where the seatbelt was around my gut-looked like someone painted it black. I really don’t think the dr. knew what to do. I needed something, but I think he was scared that this would put me back in the place where I was before. So, if I have a surgery, like you did, we will need something for the pain. To be honest, I would be scared that they wouldn’t give me anything if I told them I had problems before. I know my wife would be in control of the pain meds and would hope the dr. would trust here to keep these in a safe place.

Hi guys - aren't there other non-opiate pain relievers out there? Maybe they don't work as well but can still take the edge off of the pain? I'm not talking about otc stuff, but prescribed pain killers. I've told several of my family members that if I'm ever injured and I don't tell the doctor myself that I can't have an opiate based pain killer. I kinda feel like I relinquished my priviledge by being such a knucklehead. And to be completely honest with myself, if I don't have them or don't have to take them I'm fine, but I know if they were in my system again for whatever reason, I would probably not be able to control them. Even if it was for legitimate pain. We shall see. And maybe if you've been off of them for an extended period you could have more self-control? I'm dreading the next time I get seriously injured because of this. I guess I'll take it as it comes.

Good luck Marie!! Way to go on telling your doctor! I truly believe that each bold step you take towards getting yourself clean actually empowers you and gives you further strength to fight this down the road.

thank you all for showing support ... it is soooo nice to read. i have not contacted the clinic to ask any more ?'s, i guess i just figure what difference does it make? i have to go right? i did contact my doctor to ask for a rx sleep aid for the detox and continuing, oh yeah and to answer your ? slippery, yes she is my reg doc who has prescribing the pain meds. anyway, she said she wants to see how detox goes before giving me anything else. i am really frustrated and angry because i know that the nights are going to be awful. she has given me any pain killer i've ever asked for for 2 years and now that i say i have a problem she wont even give me a sleep aid. i feel like she doesn't have a clue what i am going to go through and wonder if she is educated on addiction enough to help me through this. what do you guys think? i'm just pissed, i really want something to help fight the sleeplessness. i hate tylenol pm, it makes me feel all icky and groggy until i finally just pass out and then wake up icky some more.
did you get the test results back bob? i don't think it's a big deal what you did, you had to pay for it in the end. is wifey helping? love to you.
love and thanks to you all,
marie

am i just being a big baby?

Hey there. I have to agree with what you said about her not knowing anything about addiction. If she would give you anything you wanted for 2 years, I would say she doesnt. As for the sleep. There is a lot of different otc things that can help you. You might not have a big problem with the loss of sleep. It might be a good thing to try to get away from thinking that a pill will solve the problem. When I was detoxing, I didnt want any rx's at all. Just my thougths.

Marie - I really have to echo Tim's sentiments - avoid any new rx's if you can. If you look at it from a doctor's perspective, they may be worried that you will replace one drug for another one. I'm not saying that would be the case, but that is probably her concern. Also, who knows, perhaps your sleep won't be affected too dramatically. I would wait and see how you react before making that decision. Sleep was the thing that took longest for me - but when your body gets tired enough, it will rest. Small price to pay for kicking those pills!! Go into this as positive as you can! Keep your eye on the goal.

i really didnt mean to take so long....this is very hard to right. thursday afternoon i was give activan for the symtoms and benzo....something(blood pressure med) it is supposed to be for the cravings, i will stop taking that tomorrow. i'm been taking the activan every 6 hours. on the first day i was really weird said things and having conversations i didn't remeber. my hub and i even made love and i have no memory of it. i told him he was a sick rapist:) when the nurse saw me she immediately cut down the ativan dosage. tomorrow i go to ever 8 hours and sunday every 12 hours and then I'm done. im real nervous about coming off. i hope i don't have any symptoms ..... i know i will have cravings. i will definately continue w/their long term program even though there counselors suck. maybe i could go to diffenent facility for log-term care? maybe i should even shop around. it was so hard rigt this, thanks for your love. love to all of you. i feel really loopy right now but i cant wait until the new day comes.
marie

i got to 14 hours w/out the ativan (it was supposed to be 12 hrs but i was sleeping) at 14 hours i had just a little goose bumpy, hot/cold chills feeling. this afternoon i will take my next and last dose of ativan. then i'll be FREE!!!!
i am so thankful for this gift and have no intention of squandering(sp?) it. i suppose tomorrow will be the big test, i will try to stay busy. it's really hard though, i am sooooooo exhausted. i will do some small task like wash the dishes and then i'm completely wiped out. i don't know if that's from the ativan or just the purging of the tramadol. i haven't been able to me a super fun mom. i'm afraid to pick up the baby, i'm just so happy to be here w/her instead of some center. my hub has been so awesome. he has completely taken over. he has to go back to work today. his mom is coming this morning to pick up my baby for the day and my oldest will be in school so i'll be all alone. i feel confident i will continue to fly straight. i say all this for anyone considering outpatient detox. you will not be able to work and you will need help w/any little ones you might have. actually, you'll need help w/all your simple chores like preparing meals, etc.... i would say at least for the first 2 days. yesterday i managed a little house work but i was washed out.
I'm sooooo happppy this is almost over! thanks for the love. :wave:

Great news Marie, You are right, things will get better. Your are doing awesome.

Hey Marie,
Fellow recovering ultram addict here...checking in. How's it going?
Minn

Marie good for you!!! Its good to hear that your doing well and finally getting this monkey off your back hopefully for good. I mean FOR GOOD this time. Follow their plan and just take it one day at a time your doing great keep it up. Kim

i was feeling very frustrated tonight ... this mornining. then i came online and read all the encouragment and just lit up! thanks a bunch i love you guys.
i can't sleep, even after some tylenol pm and norontin. these damn legs just won't let me rest. i think my rls was a contributor to my addiction. it is like torture to lay in bed completely exhausted but having to move my legs all the time. i finally got out of bed, though he would never say anything, i think i was annoying my hub and he has to be up in just 2 hours. tomorrow i will try to get to the doctor to talk about it. g@ddam friggin co-pays are killing me.
here's sunday's story: hub went to the drug store for my last 2 doses of ativan about 45mins before closing just to find a sign on the door "closed for emergency" so he called the next closest branch and asked them to transfer the script which they would not do because it's a controlled substance. i was frantically on the phone w/the emergency # i was given by detox trying to get someone to authorize the script which i finally did 5 mins. before closing. i spoke to the pa who said they could not xsfer the rx but will call in a new one, ffshew. first thing this morning the addict in me got up, got dressed, cleaned the stupid snow off the car and drove to the original pharmacy to pick up the old rx which had never been cancelled. i spent this morning and early afternoon high on ativan and then passed out. what a big dumb addict i am. perhaps that's why now i am paying w/these restless legs. i don't know what else to say about that besides pills and me need to be far far apart all the time.
marie

wanna hear something funny. the doctor sent a copy of my labwork, the drug test came back completely negative. they even did a special test for tramadol and "can not confirm evidence" man that is such a sneaky little pill.
by the way bob, i was taking anti-depressants and then quit, i still have the rx but i really don't want to start taking them again. i'm just getting my sex drive back and dont want to mess w/it. i do have them as a back-up though.

You can get some tonic water with the quanine (sp lol) in it and it does help. Also I used some icy hot and would rub it on my legs at night after a hot bath and that helped me so much. Wont be getting much intimate time cause it stinks like hell but you will be comfortable at least. Just stay strong. Kim

Hey Marie,
Sorry about the RLS but sounds like things are going pretty well otherwise?
Wow...you did the right thing I think by doing it right, in detox. Try to exercise a bit too if you can. That helped me the most even though it was the hardest thing to make myself do.
You are doing great...so happy for you for really going for it and getting tramadol out of your life! I am almost 3 weeks clean and I don't even think about it much. The depression/anxiety was the worst part for me and that is getting better, finally.
Minn