well guys i'm officially becoming depressed feeling, i'm gaining a bunch of weight, i haven't stepped on the scale, but i can just see it, like when i was getting in the shower this morning. i feel so disgusted. i don't understand why this is happening, i feel that i am eating healthy stuff and exercising. i don't want to go back to restricting, but i feel it is coming to that, because my whole day is ruined, and i can't think straight about anything, i wish you were all here with me to offer some encouragement, because i'm really down in the dumps!!

Hi Case

Gaining weight when you are at a low weight is a good thing, and a healthy thing. Do not go on that scale. Go by how your clothes fit. Remember, the clothes are going to fit a bit tighter as you do gain weight- but that is a good place to be at in your life; not a bad spot. That means you are starting to gain steps towards recovery and remission and defeating the ED, but in order to do so, you have to continue to say to yourself- "Self, it is okay. This weight gain is good for me. It means my body is gaining the nuriushment that it needs to survive and be healthy- physically and mentally".

Do not beat up on yourself. That is what your brain wants you to do. It is normal when one is depressed to steer towards doing. I can totally relate to that, as right now I too, am fighting a depressive episode. It is hard to not concentrate, and do anything around the house. We need to try and do something fun today for ourselves. Paint our nails, scrapbook, watch a funny movie- 'Home Alone'- A holiday movie it is hilarious and will make you laugh, or look at pictures of your children and think about how precious they are to you, so you can realize why 'you are trying to gain weight'.

a) To better your health
b) To have better health and be stronger physically as a parent
c) To be stronger mentally
d) Mostly, to gain remission over the ED

Write yourself a letter of all of the good things about Case, and the good things about you of being a parent, a daughter, and a friend. Nothing negative- period. This will make you reflect in yourself and realize that you are a good person. Do this and you will see. I did this once and it opened my eyes up a little. It makes one appreciate the good things about ones self- and the people whom one cares about. When you are done, keep the letter for later usage so you can re-read it for bad days. Do not dispose of it. :)

You are going to survive this day. Gosh, if I can and have to- you can too. And, I woke up crying, yelling at everyone, and sulking. That is 'not the norm' for me. My DH asked me if I had been taking my meds, and that really upset me. So, I am really frustrated. I don't know what to think. I've made a lot of mistakes with things at home lately- forgetting to do things that are important, making important phone calls to the insurance companies, making doctor appointments, and so forth. I've been very neglegent. Something just isn't right and I don't know why.

Take care of yourself today Case. I know you will be okay. You are stronger than you realize. If you weren't you wouldn't have made it this far with your ability to not weigh yourself, and with your eating plan. So, give yourself a lot of credit where it is due. :D You have a lot to be proud of, and you need to share with your mom how well you have been doing, even if she might think it is small stuff, tell her to you it is rather- big stuff; and it really is. If you cry and break down, it will then make her realize that you are very upset about this ED crap. She will get the point.

Many hugs

Coffeegirl :angel:

gee coffeegirl, after reading your reply i feel so bad, bad that you are feeling so bad too, but yet are so kind to me and to offer advice. i feel i should be more supportive too, i feel like i'm always getting advice but not giving any although i do try on posts that i can relate to and help with. i had a lot of errands to do today, so that helped get my mind off of ed for a while, plus i had a bowl of kashi cereal with blueberries for breakfast which is very good and filling, it has like 10 grams of protein, so i wasn't really thinking about food. then it was weird, i was standing in the kitchen this afternoon and it was like a wave of peacefulness came over me. i was eating a nutrigrain waffle, and i said to myself, i am worth something to eat this, i will die without fuel. but now i look at myself and hate what i see, it is so weird how twisted ed can make one feel. i am going to write that letter tonite, that is a good idea, thank you! now about you? you don't sound too good mentally wise, i mean you sound kind of depressed! what is going on to make you feel this way? are you struggling with the ed? please let me know if i can help in some way, you are so generous with your advice! take care case

hi case
oh...i wish i could be there for you and fight against the ed...i hate days like that when youre sick of fighting and want to give up, these are the days i grab my most comfy trackies and read books and do puzzles...and stay AWAY from the mirror...i swear mirrors, scales tape measures and calorie counters have been put on the earth to torment people,...when realistically they are objects which we can do without. i read in a book that someone put sheets over / or covered their mirrors so it didnt fuel the ed...its a great idea, i must say, when i have a shower now i cover the mirrors, it makes my shower time more relaxing.
is there anything i can do for you case?
not long til december- hang in there
love chookie

Oh sheesh!! This has been an awful morning!:mad: Yesterday I e-mailed my sister, who also is Bipolar, and has had a recent bout of severe depression and was out of work due to it. During that time, she failed to forget how much I was there for her, etc. Now, I am going through a time with depression emotionally, and the holidays always add anxiety issues for me. I e-mailed that to her, just asking her if the holidays 'bothered her', and in return she blasted me with the following crap:

1) 'I don't want nor need to be your cheerleader'
2) 'You need to get a life'- (I am not able to work due to the Bipolar illness. It has caused me to be disabled for right now- oh boy! And, she still refuses to understand that nor wants to understand the magnitude of how severe my illness is with it. Hers is not anywhere near to the capacity as mine is- and she should be thankful for that; but she is not. Instead, she would rather judge me; oh she is so merceful'.
3) 'What is your problem? I am trying to work on my family. You need to refocus on your life. - I have been. I just wanted some empathy from my sister; that was it. Nothing more than that. I didn't want to be scolded and that was what I got.

Why would she act like this? Part of it has to do with the fact I don't have to work even if I wanted to work. My husband is an executive at his company- however, that is something I have never rubbed in her face; ever. She, however, has a problem with it because she is always bringing it up constantly- and throwing it in my face; so it must bother her. If he didn't have a good job, I would qualify for disability for mental health issues. That is the severity of my illness; but she doesn't think I am that bad off- she isn't so why should i be?

I could go on, and on, and on. It is best I don't. She is my twin sister too. She hates me I think, and that is her problem. She is very jealous and that too, is her problem. I have problems focusing and concentrating during the daytime. Some days I only get 2 loads of laundry done due to anxiety and depression, some days, due to it, I get everything plus scrapbooking done. So, it is a very strange illness.

Due to her e-mail, it set off a very big trigger. Remember what I said that I am in Remission? Well, remission means that one is not completely cured. I ended up binging this morning- and it has set me off over the edge. I stopped during the middle of the binge and realized what I was doing. It was awful. Then I called my DH and told him what I had done and was doing. He felt bad and told me that it was obvious why I did it. :dizzy:

Otherwise, I have had a rough week just in general with depression. The eating disorder has been in limbo. I think it was bound to hit a head sooner or later due to the holidays coming up. I never fair well with them. I've not been eating all that great. Plus, I haven't had time to exercise too. :( That is frustrating.

I usually don't over eat at Thanksgiving. I get so nervous with having the dinner at my house that I almost puke anyway. It is a fiasco.

Sorry I've rambled so much. I need to get some things done here. Hope you are all doing okay. I will get myself pulled together.

Take care

Coffeegirl

sheesh is right coffeegirl, sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own problems, that we forget how bad others have it too. that is how i feel for you right now, your sister does not sound very supportive. does she know about your ed? i assume so, but why wouldn't she be more supportive, even if she is jealous. i would feel i would have to cut myself off from her for awhile until she apologized for acting so immature and not helping you thru your difficulties. i'm sorry you had a binge episode. it's hard for me to relate, because i never have done that, i am so afraid of gaining i just can't do that, even though in my head i would like to, just to eat whatever i want, it is good you pulled yourself together and stopped and called someone, that is always a smart move!! the holidays are very taxing on one's nerves especially with us with mental issues, and especially with the ed. i am certainly going to try and enjoy thanksgiving, even though i will feel guilty with everything i eat. i feel for you coffeegirl, you have come so far, i can tell by the threads you post. you are such an inspiration to others, remember that. take care and keep your chin up we all care!! case