:wave: I have been a long-time (years) lurker on this board, but I've never had the courage to post. However, I am in a pretty bad situation and I could use any suggestions/advice. I have finally (after almost four years of living in hell) come to the realization that my husband is a cociane addict. We own a business together that he has managed to run into the ground with his erratic business decisions and spending of all the money. We have two small children under three. I've kept him around because I need someone to be at the business because I have no child care for my children. I BRIEFLY entertained the idea of me going back to work full time and him watching the children, but then I snapped out of that quickly. I am back in college now (all online obviously) but I am just so tired from living this way, I just don't understand how someone who was always considerate and generally a good person could turn into such an animal. I honestly feel sometimes that my life would be easier if he was dead God forgive me. I've called around about Rehabs, but we have no insurance. I even tried to get my kids on Medicaid, but even though I make no money, a business is considered an asset and we don't qualify. I cannot sell the business now because we have tax liens. If I just walk away (not so much worried about my credit since he already ruined it)--it's all in my name--I will have to find a job immediately. Which leads me to my dillema. Obviously people do it, but if you don't have child care and can't afford child care, what do people do? I'm sorry to be so long-winded, but I have no friends to talk to about this and I'm just so worn out I can't think anymore. Thanks for whatever you guys want to say!

Hey. Glad you finally posted. Does he want to quit? If this is the case, there are a lot of programs that he could get involved with. He is prob spending a great deal of money on the drugs, so putting it to treatment is something to think about. NA is a good FREE support group for him. You would be able to get a lot of support through either naranon or alanon. There are people who you can talk to. Hang in there. You have taken a great step by posting on here.

Thank you for your reply. No, he doesn't want to get help--he doesn't think he has a problem. I went to a few Alanon meetings, but I would have to leave my kids with him to go. I've become very scared to do this. He's good with the kids, but what if something happened when he was home with them--heart attack, etc.? He has dual citizenship in Canada and their 30 day programs are free. I've researched this and have encouraged him to go, but he's very paranoid and thinks I'm just trying to get rid of him--it's a slippery slope indeed. I walk a fine line between being supportive/not making him feel worse than he already does and just being a mean, nasty and bitter woman--which is not me. I've called his family and sober friends begging for them to help, but I know there is not much they can do if he doesn't want to do it. I feel like if I didn't have the business, I wouldn't have such a tie to him, because I this point I'm only thinking about mine and my children's survival, but this is a miserable existence. I don't know anything about cocaine so I would never suggest that it's easy to kick, but I just wonder if he knows/cares that every line he does is taking food out of his children's mouths or possibly the shelter away from their heads. I spend my time making excuses to bill collectors and deciding if I can pay my mortgage and rent for the business in the same month. I've run out of excuses and money and I've never lived like this. Obviously he has past issues that must be dealt with because he only started this drug use after the birth of our first child. We are older and have been married a long time. We waited and planned to have children when we were in a good position to make a *hopefully* nice life for them. For a while we did, now it's just dismal.

Hi TiredandScared,
My heart goes out to you...what a horrible situation! Do you have any family (yours or your husbands) you can ask to come and help you with this? I know, personally how hard it is to ask for help. I recently just asked my sister to go to a recovery meeting with me for the first time. I was scared, but she was SO happy to do it and it made all the difference in the world to me. Anyway..if there is anyone you could call just to maybe come and stay with you while you figure stuff out w/the business and get to a few alanon meetings? You may be able to learn about more inexpensive recovery options at those meetings..you never know. The support alone will help you. You seem like an incredibly strong woman...taking classes online amidst all this! But, there comes a time when we have to rely on others for help. Think of how you'd feel if a family member was suffering as much as you are and they asked you?
Keep posting...we're here for you,
Minn

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! My family is not close. I've just recently confided in my sister about what is going on which helps. I talk to his sister as well, but again, she's not close to me.

School is tough, luckily I was able to get a Pell Grant and some scholarships to return to the University. I have to say, when I do my schoolwork, even though I usually have to start it after 8:00 when the kids go to bed, it makes me forget about my situation for a while.

I was never religous or thought in very spiritual terms, but I really think this situation was placed before me so I would finally do something with my life. I was always a procrastinator and a floater, but now my path is clear. I have to do this to provide for my children because I can't count on him to do so. Everything I do, everything, I do in spite of him and not because of or for him.

I am proud of myself in some respects, I get all A's and I work really hard, but at times I just want to give up and am scared for my children and their future. What kind of a mother am I to allow them to live under the same roof as a drug addict? What kind of person am I to accept this behavior? It's very confusing.

But the things that I've learned, man, I don't think I'd ever get it if I didn't have to live through this. I was always sheltered, a bit immature and naive and spoiled. I will never again look in a refrigerator filled with food like I used to and complain there is nothing to eat, I will never again take my family for granted because I now realize without them, I'd be lost. I will never again complain that I don't have any money if I can't buy a new purse or shoes because I now know what it's like not to be able to pay the mortgage and being called a "deadbeat" by creditors. I will never again engaging in gossipy, back-biting behavior about another person because it is happening to me and man, it stinks! I could go on, but I'll spare you all ;).

I just wanted to say that I've worked really hard not to fall victim to that "poor me" thinking, because it's really easy to fall into that trap. That said, I just really want some peace.

You sound like such a smart woman..you do not need to stay in a situation like that..did you think about bankruptcy? leaving him and maybe stay with family until you are able to find a job..i know bankruptcy sounds harsh but, its not..you need to put your children first.do you want them to witness his drug addiction..one thing i've learned is if the addict does not admit to a problem..he cant be helped. he has to want to get help...good luck.. my thoughts are with you!!

Hi there I'm a newbie to this board so I 'm not really qualified to answer any serious questions but I do own my own business and I can tell you that if you want it to survive you need to isolate your husbands habit from the day to day operations. Addicts find a way to siphon money.Right now you need the money to get right with your suppliers, landlord etc. I would suggest meeting with them face to face and put eveything on the table and come up with a plan. This is of course if you want to save the business. BK7 or 11 is a choice but once you do that it hangs with you. It;s better to try to establish a payment plan with your creditors...one that you can stick with. It sounds like your the one thats gonna have to stand up. Your husband may take offense but if you do nothing you know the results will be.

As far as his addiction. I did blow in the mid 80's not crack...It can be pretty addicting although I just gave it up because after a while we all sat in a room worrying about where the next line would come from. For me it was not that tough to kick. Pain pills on the other hand had much more withdrawals for me and I was taking the script dosage for a real injury.

Good luck!