hi, im new to these boards and feel like im going insane.

i have suffered from eating disorders (mostly ednos but with times of full anorexia and bulimia, and always orthorexia to a small extent) for 8 years and am fed up. for a year and a half, apart from one short but intense anorexic relapse i have been recovered.

i found out last week i have lost 3 kilos without trying, giving a bmi of 16.7. this worries me so much because i honestly thought i was eating healthily (last week also got diagnosed with severe anaemia) and sufficiently. i just dont know what is enough to eat anymore. i have been eating disordered so long that the 'right' amount of food is so much i can never believe my body needs it, and even in my recovery iwas still underweight but everyone settled for it because i truly did feel comfortable in my body and i feared relapse if i gained any more. so i was still in the very first steps of recovery, but i had started building a life outside of being eating disordered.

now all my hard work is slipping away and im not doing it on purpose. i have no intention to undereat or overexercise, IT JUST HAPPENS. like saturday i had a big jujitsu training thing and i promised myself a cake from the bakery to eat afterwards. so i went to the bakery and all i could handle was a mini doughnut. then yesterday, annoyed i didnt buy the cake, i walked around for 2 hours 'trying to decide' which cake i wanted from which bakery, until i bumped into a friend and we decided we might go for hot chocolate later. we didnt, but the possibility made me give up on my cake hunt. this is not a life. why can't i just buy a damn cake?

i am also very scared for my physical health. my bones weigh 60% of what they should and if i lose any more fat i wont be able to work without ibuprofen because i have rubbed away all the cartiledge in my hip joints. in 2 weeks i will be snowboarding, this is somerthing i love. to be in the countryside, to be moving so fast, to be so free. but if my hips cant move, and i feel weak all the time (i have even been going to bed hungry convinced i have eaten sufficiently), and my bones are too weak, i will lose something i genuinely enjoy. i have already isolated myself a lot, again not on purpose, it just happened.

please, does anyone know whats happening to me? has anyone else unconsciously fallen back into their ol patterns? i need help and i dont know what to do. this year is a big year for me and im ruining it.

well, thats not a great introduction, sorry. please please help, im desperate, i dont want to see a nutritionist here because it willmake me feelbad. the doctor wants me to buy eggsbut i cant handlethe ideaof that packet of 6, i try to be vegan for moralreasons and have already bought cheese just for somehting high calorie, i feel so bad about this i cant buy eggs as well.

sorry, i have gone on, please write as soon as possible,
katie

Hi Katie,

With the vegan thing... well that's a whole soapbox for me. I've been vegan for over 2 years and I'm now coming off of it. If you are worried about the moral implications of your eating you should consider shopping at a natural foods store... they have lots of "ethical foods" like free-range, local eggs and such. With your weight loss, I don't feel good enough about my own eating to coach someone else on theirs, but have you considered seeing a nutritionist or dietician to map out a meal plan?

thanks for your response, i am not strictly vegan, outside of my house i am vegetarian, because if i tried to be itd just become something else ive failed at. i cant afford to buy organic, 'ethical' foods and they are still implicated in environmental and world hunger issues. i'm too scared that the nutritionist wont understand veganism, and that if i couldnt do the meal plan id feel more of a failure than i do now.

i just ont know what to do, i feel like all my hard work has gone to waste and theres no point in trying anymore. but ive already suffered too long and i want it to go away. im crying as i write this. i am pathetic.

i know you say you are not trying to lose weight on purpose, but i think deep down you really don't want to gain weight and have a fear of it, that is what i pick up from your posts. avoiding buying a cake, eating vegan, etc. i'm not meaning to sound harsh, but i think you are still really rooted in this whole ed thing. you have come so far with this, please don't slip back now, you can do it, get help please before you lose even more weight, good luck case