Ok guys, I had a crazy dream last night, and I think it may be a turning point in my recovery.

In this dream, I was at some sort of reunion at the eating disorder inpatient treatment center that I was in last year. I saw all the other patients that were in treatment with me at the time, as well as the mental health counselors that worked with me.

Now, all of these former patients were fully-recovered...at a healthy weight. Some were even slightly overweight. I, however, was the only one that looked thin and sickly. The counselors had us all share a little about our recoveries, and everybody talked about how happy they are now, all the great things going on in their lives, and how much better life is without ED. I, however, shared my stuggles of relapse and fears of letting go of my eating disorder.

In this strange dream, I saw my old friends--who once flipped out at the sight of food--now perfectly happy and healthy. All this time, I have been so convinced that I cannot be happy unless I am thin and in control of the number on the scale, and they were proving me wrong. They kept telling me how much happier they are now that they did let go of their perfectionism and control.

I know this was just a crazy dream. In reality, I have no idea how my old friends from the treatment facility are doing now. However, I definately think this is trying to tell me something.

I pulled out the journal that I kept while I was in treatment and read it. What brought tears to my eyes was a self-contract that I wrote to myself. It lists all the ways I would start to take care of myself and enjoy life when I become healthy. I must have shoved it into my notebook and forgotton about it somehow. It is now hanging on the wall in my bedroom where I can see it everyday.

Maybe I CAN let go of this control--this eating disorder--and be happy. I know I want to, but that voice in my head is still strong.

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: enjoy my Thanksgiving meal with my family and count my blessings. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! God bless!

wo w k2005 what an awesome dream, kind of creepy the details of everyone and how happy they were not being in control. i wish i was one of the girls in the dream. heh maybe you could share 1 thing each day from your contract on how you would be after recovery, that may help you to refocus on the reasons for being over ed and it may motivate and give the rest of us some hope, just a thought. i too am going to try and enjoy thanksgiving, god bless you too!! case1

What a wonderful post! We need more inspirational posts like this. I loved reading about your dream, too. I have not been having a very good week...Thanksgiving is stressing me out ahh! But then I read about your goal that you want to just enjoy the holiday with your family. I think I want to make that a goal as well. Seriously I just want to sit at the table with the my family and enjoy their company...and my eating disorder isn't invited! LoL :)

The whole recovery thing has been soooo hard! I cry almost everyday. I just want to give up and go back to the way I was. But I know I wouldn't be happy. It is so motivating to see others wanting to recover! Well, thanks for the good message. I think it gave many of us just a little bit more hope that is is possible to fight this!

That's such an inspirational dream! I do believe that we'd all be much happier if we could ignore the scales and eat "normal", and engage in the regular "food celebrations" without paranoia of how many calories are in what. But the trick is getting there.

Thank you all. Case: that is a great idea. I can post some of the things I wrote as a way to keep it fresh in my mind and possibly motivate others as well. Wow, recovery has been tough, but it certainly helps having you guys for support! THANK YOU!