It is with a heavy heart that I come here this morning to share some sad news with all my friends here. My mom, Pat died last night Nov. 25, 2006 at 9:55.PM. Her battle began June 2004 with that first Pleural effusion.She fought a long hard battle.

Now she is dancing in heaven with all her friends that died before her as many of them were from her USO days and how they all loved to dance! I am sure her sister, Marilyn and her parents and Grandma's twin Millie are all there dancing too as they often hosted dances at my grandparents big house In Evanston, Ill. during my mom's USO days. With my mom there their party is now complete.Dance mom dance as you deserve to do so. ;)

My mom had some Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving as I wheeled her to the table and fed her bites as we all ate dinner. She said it was good but I could tell she was thinking " but not as good as mine were" as how she loved to cook. :)

I just posted to Linda and as I told her if I could redo things I would have had her stop the chemo before it totally wiped her out like it did. I do not feel she did from the actual cancer as being the lung tumor was gone and it was liver mets that would have killed her she did not have any jaundice or abdominal pain one would associate with that.

Over the past few weeks I had gotten her to eat better and drink alot more so she was not so dehydrated and her urine was not dark amber like it had been before I came to stay. Yet during these past two weeks she was so weak and could do nothing for herself as that chemo had just totally wiped her out and she never bounced back after that last dose.

Her death yesterday came as a total surprize as having been around plenty of deaths and having read a paper the hospital puts out about the death process she just was not far enough along yet. My best educated guess was she threw a pulmonary embolism and it decreased the amount of Oxygen that could get into her blood having blocked a large blood vessel in her lungs making her hypoxic ( low Oxygen in blood ) and despite us putting her on the oxygen it did not help and she slowly died. Pulmonary embolisms are very common to people that do not get up and walk around.

I got her up yesterday morning and put her on the commode and she was acting like something was wrong but when I would ask her she would say NO but her face and body movements said different. Now in hindsite I think she may have been throwing the embolism as it can be painful. I got her all cleaned up took her via wheelchair to her recliner and she was lookng short of breath but eventually she got better had her pills and had some oatmeal and a ensure shake mixed with fruit and ice cream. Then she appeared to be resting so I decided to go shopping and left her with my sister.

My poor sister as the afternoon progressed mom suddenly started looking short of breath and was saying things every now and then that my sister could not make out. My sister decided to call hospice and they got Oxygen out to the house right away ( as we did not have any as my mom had never needed it ) then sent a nurse out so when I got home my sister came out to tell me what had happened and said the nurse did not think mom would survive the night, My dad had gotten home right before me and my sister went to tell my sister inlaw that they needed to all come over when my brother got home.

So we were all there with her ( except my oldest sister, my brother in law and my niece and nephew in Oregon and my middle nephew down here) We all got to say what we need to tell her and tell her it was ok to leave that we would be ok.My middle nephew got here a short time after she had died.

It was peaceful as some ativan and morphine took care of the shortness of breath look she had.

I cried buckets last night but I know that worst has yet to come as the reality has not sunk in yet. I thought of all of you with kids last night as watching my 14 year old nephew who was my mom's buddy was so difficult. I told him that rather then focus on the sadness to be focus on the happy memories as he was lucky he had a grandma that loved him like she did and that he got to spend alot of time with as alot of kids don't ever have that relationship. I know he will miss he alot and I can only hope that time heals his pain. The 18 year old and the 16 yr old (when he got here) tried being strong and hid their emotions but just the fact they were both so quiet says it all.

I will end for now as I need to go pick up a christmas gift I got for all of my siblings yesterday afternoon probably at about the time my mom started having trouble it is a christmas tree ornament actually it could be displayed all year it is a silver angel and on her wings it says something about the twinkling stars being our loved ones peeking down to watch over us, I will share the exact wording later when I have it with me. The store only had one but called and located some at the other store so they are being held for me.I saw it and had to get it and now I know why!:angel: JanMarie

My dearest JanMarie, my heart aches for you so! I know words cannot express, but I can truly say to you, I know what you are going through, my friend. There is no refuge from the grief that engulfs you once that special person is gone. No where to hide, and tons of wildly fluctuating emotions. My dear friend, I'm sending lot's of love and cyber-hugs your way. I will continue to pray that God keeps you strong as you go through the next busy days. And that He brings you comfort and peace as those days are followed by bleak ones, after everyone goes home. I wish I could take you camping with me. I looked at the stars last night and after I got a good cry out of the way, I watched the canopy above me, visualizing Bud, and Becky, and Joe and Jeff up there looking down at us that are still left on earth. Now I'll be able to see another star along with theirs, you little ma.

God keep you and love you!

Jan

JanMarie,
I guess I know why some reason something was tugging me to pull up on the posting board. I have not been on all weekend and need to run my son somewhere right now, but wanted to jump on to see how all are and thought no when I get back and something told me to get on to read the posting. I am so sorry you have lost your mom. I send you prayers and many hugs to get thru these tough times. You know you mention about wishing to stop the chemo...I am so thankful Stan only has one more left because we are thinking that is what is bringing Stan down too.(even though he does have severe mets all over his body we think it is the chemo too) But on a positive side, how fortunate you took the time off from work to be with your mom and make her time special and add some smiles to her day even though they were tough days. How tough for your nephews and it made me think of my boys...oh don't want to go there. How is your dad doing? Thanks for laugh though when you fed your mom and saw that look on her face and sure that was what she was thinking, but what a special time you all had. I am sorry your mom is no longer around, but know JanMarie she loved you. Oh, I could tell that based on all the postings...your mom is a beautiful person who shared her good natured personality with so many and what a blessing you are like your mom!
Ok, I could ramble on and on and need to run. I will be back on later today to respond to all the other postings. Now to go say a pray for you and your family before I head out the door.
Hugs and Peace,
Kim

I cry with you.

Many Blessings.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.

Dear JanMarie -
My thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time. Your Mom is with the Angels now and is feeling well and happy. I know you will miss her and my heart goes out to you and your family.
Annie

I'm so sorry for your loss...many thoughts and prayers for your family...

JanMarie,

I am sad to hear about your mom my husband always liked to hear about her battle. It is what has kept him going also. I hope you find comfort in knowing that she is at peace now. I struggle to write tonight because my husband has expressed that he is tired of taking medicines and that he hopes I don't think that he sounds as if he wants to give up. He is just tired and confused about where he is supposed be and what he is supposed to do now.

Hugs, prayers, and love sent your way.

God Bless You Always,

Renea

Dear Janmarie

You are in my thoughts and prayers at this sad time. God bless Pat,your dear little Mom.

You have done everything you possibly could to protect and ease your Mom's journey with this terrible disease, and finally she has had peaceful passage with her family surrounding her, comforting her; and with you by her side, she has been ready.

Don't, please don't, torment yourself with thoughts of the last chemo...your Mom was prepared to fight for every minute of time, and had the courage to do so because of your love and your support throughout.

You are going to miss her so much, and need to comfort yourself with the good memories. Take care of yourself, and gain strength from the numerous prayers offered by your friends in this forum, all of whom have benefited from your generosity of spirit.
God bless you, you are a very special person.

Your mother and the way she lived her life is an inspiration to many others. God bless you and your family in your loss. Kris

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. She has been one of the increasing list of people who inspire me and my dad on this journey.
I am happy that you were able to spend Thanksgiving together. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now.
Jeanie

Jan Marie, so sorry to hear about your Mom. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am glad you got to spend this Thanksgiving together and could store up some good memories even with all the sadness. I am also glad that you have a close family that can support each other thru this terrible time. Take care of yourself and know that we all send our love, hugs, and positive thoughts your way.

Molly

janmarie~ i'am sorry to hear about your mom. you and your family are in our prayers and thoughts as you go through this difficult part of the journey. many blessings to you.

Janmarie-

Like many others, I will be praying for you and your family. The relationship you decribe having with your mom is to be envied. The way you speak of your mom say so much about how special she was. I thank you for sharing her with us.

As I read your post I was thinking of something someone told me once. he said "There are those you can take to lunch and then there are those you can take to war", and you are kind of person I'd want fighting beside me if I were at war. Janmarie, I am inspired by you commitment, thoughtfulness and grace. I'm going to guess you are a chip of the ol' block.

God bless you and your family,

conan

Hi im so so sorry for your loss,im going through the same with my mum she has lung and liver cancer. I cryed when i read your post and im terrified at the same time. God bless you :angel:

I want to thank everyone for all their kind words and prayers. I am hanging in there as the reality of it all has not set in yet. It will once I return home and go to call or e-mail my mom with a question or to tell her something then remember that I can never do that again.

I told you all about the angel decorations I got for each of my siblings for christmas on the day that my mom died, here is what it says on the wings: "Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy". In light of how that day turned out I would say that my seeing that decoration was no mistake anyway I really like that inscription and hope my siblings will too.

I have to tell you all that Sat. Morning my sister went out and bought a fake christmas tree and set it up thinking my mom would enjoy looking at it.Our plans were to put on christmas music, pop some popcorn to eat and decorate the tree Sat evening...but oh how those plans changed!:eek:
I have to tell you that my mom did not like fake christmas trees and always got fresh ones so I told my sister later that mom saw that fake tree and thought "what is that fake tree doing in MY house? If we are having a fake tree I am out of here!":p

My sister left this evening to get home to her husband that has to have surgery for oral cancer that has returned so we are waiting to have a memorial until after the holidays sometime in January. My mom was cremated so there is no big rush. I would like it to be more of a celebration of life then a sad memorial as my mom would have liked that better. Kim I know you had a celebration of life for your dad so I welcome any advice you may have on the subject.

There have been a few times these past two days were I feel guilty that I do not feel sad all the time and have been able to joke around. My sister and I talked about how weird it is to suffer such a great loss then just continue on with life as if everything is normal well almost normal as I know things make me cry when I do think about them. Then I think no I will not feel guilty as my mom would not like for any of use to spend this time sad and depressed she would rather we enjoy life and look for the good things it has to offer that are often hidden by dark clouds .So that is what I have decided to aim for. I thank my mom for shaping me the way she did and for being such an inspiration in my life now it is time to continue on how I know she would want me to. I do miss her alot and know that may get worse before it gets less but someday I will see her again and she will always be right here in my heart to still inspire me. Thanks mom!:)

My boss is on vacation and when I called the HR person and told her my mom died and that when we did my leave it us until Jan. 6th so I would like to continue it as I feel I need to be here to help my dad for awhile as after 57 yrs of marriage and at 82 yrs of age this is difficult for him. I also need time to take care of myself as the past 2+ years have been tough on me. She told me because my mom has died the Family leave ends so I am going to try to see if I can just use my paid time off as I have about 200hrs so would like to use maybe 4 weeks of it. With my boss gone for 2 weeks I am not sure how I do this but will see if I can find someone to OK it.

I will try to keep an eye on the boards as I do care so much about many of you and want to help you when I can so I will continue posting as it will also be healing. Jan, I am going to make it to that campfire someday and we can watch Bud, my mom and way too many others shine down on us.

My prayers continue for each of you and as you continue on this journey I am here to listen and help as this would have been so much more difficult had I not had everyone here to turn to when I needed support or just needed to vent.You are all awsome people, hugs to all.:wave: Janmarie

Dear JanMarie,
I feel so much for you in your loss. After you have done so much to help your mother and care for her, I think it's natural to be relieved that she is finally at rest, and you too. I cried for you today as I read your story. I've experienced it too with the death of my uncle years ago. He was unmarried and I was living with him when he died. He had a terrible painful suffering and on the evening that he died, I had no idea, it never dawned on me what was going on. I felt badly for things I said and did and things I didn't do or say, eventhough I was always compassionate to him and tried my best to help him. But all in all, it's a natural part of life. Too sad that we can not predict things to make sure that every ounce of love we really feel can be there in that moment.I know you'll realize in retrospect that you did so much to try to ease your mother's pain, and I know that she was so grateful for you being there.

It's so apparant from your writing that you are a loving compassionate woman and I sincerely hope that you know how awesome you have been in all of this. You truely deserve to have the pain of what you've gone through with your mother lifted from you, and I pray for you and everyone here that life will be kind and gentle even in these saddest of times. and if there is a moment that you finally get to be relieved of the terrible loss, then I wish you those moments of joy.

May your mother rest in peace, I know she is looking down and loving you for who you are especially as she is able to see that your heart is no longer burdened with such a deep sadness in your life and now both of you can be lifted out of that pain.

Dear Janmarie, you have been in my thoughts over the last few days...so much of what you share in your posts has brought back memories of my own mother's passing. You've just made me smile, reading about the Christmas tree: I'd bought a real tree in the nearest village and struggled two miles on foot to be told "You aren't bringing that thing in my house!". I hadn't known that the "fake versus real" tree choice had been an ongoing battle between my parents for years....which my late father had always won !! She wasn't going to have her last Christmas watching needles shedding into her carpets!

I'm sorry your sister has had to leave...I'd hoped you would have some time together in the next couple of weeks, especially as you may have your work cut out for you with your Dad. I hope he is well, and coping as best he can after losing Pat.

I also hope you are able to extend your leave from work....but that you reserve some of that leave for yourself. You need time to rest and to settle back in your own home, catch up with neighbours. You are right, your Mom would want you to enjoy life, to be happy with the laughter in the company of family and friends.

You'll never stop missing your Mom, but over time it changes from a wracking heartache to a wistful "wish you were here"

You and your family are in my prayers.

My Dear JanMarie,
I will attempt this one more time. (for some reason the first time I replied it did not post...gggrr)
I first of all want to thank you for the beautiful posting. You are a remarkable lady and your mom must be so proud of you! She is admiring your strength and rejoicing that you can still smile and enjoy life, even though she is not around. I understand that you are not falling apart. It is great your mom made it to 82 and was able to enjoy life up until recently...what a blessing. I know we would all like our parents to live to a ripe 'ol age, but then we must way the lack of quality that goes along with the aging process. I admire you JanMarie! You gave me chills when I read about the ornament story, how beautiful and how odd the timing of the entire event! I know the family will always cherish those ornaments. Then, I had tears and smiling at the same time when you shared about your sister with the fake tree.
I do hope your leave situation from work comes thru and you can continue to take the time to spend with your dad and yourself.
I pray your brother-in-law will beat the oral cancer!
As far as the celebration of life for my dad I will share with you some things we did so it might help you come up with ideas for the celebration of life for your mom. First of all when my dad passed away he did not want an obituary as he had friends across the country so wanted everyone to be told so my mom and I figured out what to do...She got 5x7 invitations (that is what people use them for but only one piece of paper) On the top we had printed In Loving Memory Of His Name and DOB and date of death. My mom then had 3 photos of my dad (one when he was about 4, one when he graduated high school and one that was very recent) I then wrote the following at the bottom and had to keep it simple and respect my dad as you see he was raised very religious as a child, but when he went to college a professor guided him differently. My dad was only 67 so this is what I wrote and if you knew my dad this fit him to the "t". Blaise lived a short life, but accomplished more than most people would have in several lifetimes. Blaise accepted his illness with such courage as he did with all things in life and died in peace, not wanting anyone to grieve his death, but to celebrate his life. We all wore some type of blue which was his favorite color. We served his favorite foods and yes, we even had fudge in March! (somehow fudge always seems suited for Christmas so was odd having it in March) I will miss making fudge for my dad, but I will have it sitting out for the Holidays. We just did things that centered around my dad and no one else. I honestly don't think one tear was shed during the celebration and it was a happy celebration(I know some people might be shaking their head) is what my dad asked of me on my last visit with my dad. My dad got to see his children get married, he got to see his grandchildren grow and he got to travel to many places and lived a full life and he explained all of that to me when he was dying. He counted on me to keep the family smiling and so he left me in charge to follow out his final wishes and to continue to keep an eye out for my mom. (which is turning out to be impossible with my younger brother such a pain and meddles in everything and lives close by and I live 4plus hours away and cannot go visit since Stan is so sick) Anyway, I hoped some of that helped you out! Let me know how yours turns out!
I will keep you in my prayers JanMarie and your family too. You take care of yourself. Thanks for all you have done for me month after month, posting after posting.
Hugs,
Kim

My heart is breaking for you Janmarie. But like you said, your mom is is such a beautiful place now, and at peace. These are not just words, but truth. Your mom was sooo blessed to have a daughter like you, as I don't beleive she would have had these last 2 years without you.

I think your story can give alot of people hope and encouragement with this awful disease. You sure do put everything in perspective for people, and I definately know that because of you, lives have been saved.

Please know that our continued thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family, and our ever gratfullness for you, and I pray for peace for your heart.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

God Bless,

Angel

Kim, Thanks for telling me about your dad's celebration of life, I like that idea so much more then the usual memorial as my mom would rather be celebrated then grieved too. Her favorite color was lavender and she loved orchids, we have alot of orchid growers in the Santa Barbara area so I will have to check with them or even go to Traders Joes and see if there are any lavender orchids in bloom that time of year. I do alot of work with photos as a hobby and have scanned in lots of old ones of my mom so I will have to pick out my favorites to use for the celebration. I hope that this turns out to be a happy event as my mom would love that, she allways loved a party! Thanks!

Ellengrace, you hold such a special place in my heart as being a mom and being a mom with advanced lung cancer you give a different perspective to all of us and I enjoy that.I am so glad that you are able to post as often as you do. I send extra prayers your way all the time.

Angel and Excess1973 your kind words are much appreciated.I really have no regrets when it come to my mom as I know I tried the best I could to help her and be there for her as she would have done the same for me. I started posting on this board in hopes that her story would help others and when I hear that it has it puts a smile on my face as it makes my mom's cancer have value instead of that "why her?" feeling if that makes sense to you. I am too late this year but next year for lung cancer awareness month ( november) I am going to put together a big educational thing for the hospital and I am sure I will use some stories many of you have shared here to let others see that lung cancer is a threat to all of us not just old guys that smoke. It doesn't care what age you are or even if you were a non smoker. To help cure it we need to put a true face on it and let people hear our stories in hopes in can allow for early detection for some. Thanks again.

I guess I will use a few weeks of paid time off ( vacation time to some) to stay here and help my dad cope . He stayed home today and just seemed lost and he is trying to be very pleasant because I know he is afraid if he pisses me off which he frequently does as he is a difficult person, that I will leave and not come back to visit and that idea frightens him. I might think that If he pisses me off but like him I get over anger fast and do not hold grudges.Don't tell him that thou as his trying to be pleasant is much nicer then the usual old grump he can be! I really do feel very sad that he is now alone and can only pray that he is able to cope and thank God that my brother and his family live only one house away so can keep an eye on him when I go home. Time to relax. My prayers continue for each and everyone of you. JanMarie

Janmarie
A freind of mine passed on over the summer, but his family did the same and had a celebration...it was one of the most beautiful funerals I have ever attended...it was complete with pictures, favorite songs, his freinds and family all remembered him by adding a favorite memory to a book they made for the funeral. It made the day less sad and it was very nice to remember him and why we all loved him to begin with....the pictures and orchards sound very nice and I'm sure your mom would have enjoyed them:)
...if your dad is like mine, sometimes I think he gives people a difficult time to disguise the real issues/feelings going on...I am glad he is being nicer to you - I am the same, I never want to fight with my dad, but when I do, I am generally over the arguement a short while later...
I'm sure your dad will be fine - it will just take a little time. It's wonderful that your brother will be able to check up on him after you return home.
I hope you are able to get some well deserved rest during your time off...you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers..
Jeanie

Janmarie,

I am so sorry to learn of your Mothers passing on Thanksgiving I am sure you gave her a wonderful last day and the fact that she passed in peace is beautiful, please accept my condolences.

You are a wonderful daughter, so caring and considerate looking after your Mum throughout her illness, being there for her, she was blessed, having you as her daughter. I feel sure she shines through the stars smiling at you with a great wave of love.

Please take care of you, try to have some 'me time' before going back to work, you really do deserve it.
God bless you :angel:

Cee

JanMarie, my heart, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family also. Keep the good thoughts that your Mom would want you to be happy. That is my attitude toward my daughters that I tried to make clear two years ago. If and when the cancer starts again, I want them to get on with their lives and never ever grieve for me. It makes me happy to think they would never fall apart should the cancer get me. Take good care of yourself now and be thankful for each day. Love from Ky.