I have never posted on this board, but now am desperate for help (or maybe it's comfort I'm after?) Anyways, just to give you some background info: I'm 28 and was dx with BP less than 2 months ago when I went to a psychiatrist for help. At the time, I was experiencing nights where I was too scared to sleep, and prior events replaying over in my head (PTSD.) I saw this same psychiatrist in about 97-99. At that time, I had an eating disorder, major depressive disorder and PTSD. I left a 7 year-long relationship with a man who was diagnosed with BP as well in 2000 (less than a year after we got together.) He has to this day continued to accept his diagnosis.....and the ironic thing is that now I'VE been diagnosed with it. I used to be the one threatening to leave if he didn't get help for BP, and now I have BP. :eek:

Anyways, we were together almost 7 years, and I had one son when I met him (now 10) and then we had a child together who is now 3. I left my ex in March of this year, mostly b/c of his instability and his temper and constant internet cheating and porn. He could get great jobs, and then eventually with every one of them, he would just mysteriously lose that job...or that's what he wants everyone to believe. I was told by his family when I first starting dating him, plus one of his ex-roomates, that he has a colossal-sized temper. Well, I believed them wholeheartedly, but thought the extent of it would be just occasional tantrums. I shrugged that off b/c my brother had always done this his whole life, and at the time I was barely 19.....unfortunately, it wasn't just that......within a few weeks of meeting him, I saw him flip out at the drop of a dime. I don't remember exactly when it escalated, but for years he thought nothing of hitting me, choking me, pushing me against the wall. And you know how in movies when a man does that, later on they are always so sorry and buy them flowers and stuff? Well, he has yet to say sorry to me FOR A SINGLE THING in the entire relationship lol, and never bought me squat. After he would knock me around, he would just pretend it hadn't happened and withdraw until I was desperate for more scraps of his love that he'd throw my way, and I'd "forget" the abuse b/c I was needing "love" so badly.....

Anyways, today something has happened that I don't have any control over, but I have always promised myself I'd never be a part of....You see when we all lived together, we had two cats and a dog. Well, when I left him, the kids and I stayed at a women's shelter for 3 weeks until I found a suitable decent place, etc. I took all three animals to the SPCA where they have a program to care for your pets while you are in the Shelter. Once I got my place, the very first day, all the animals were with us. Well, the baby cat began spraying virtually everything in my house. Every week, I probably washed an extra 4-5 loads of laundry b/c of it. I tried my best to keep up with it, but it became overwhelming.

Then he apparently sprayed in the back under the stairs of our storage room (the wall connecting to my next-door tenant in this 4-plex.) He wasn't neutered b/c even when I left, he was just a few months too young for it. The SPCA had a program for very low income people like myself where they told me to get him neutered (and stop the spraying and wild behavior) would be free or next to free with this voucher. I applied, and when it came, it was only for $25!!! There are only 3 vet clinics who accept the vouchers.....I called all three that very day, and they ranged from 200-450ish!!! And the first appointment any of them had was over four months away....so my little voucher would be expired and I didn't have another $200 anyways. :( My ex constantly made promises of money that never materialized, one of many was him promising to pay for Jaggy's neutering since he had gotten the cat, :mad: and the whole time we were together he planned on paying for it himself. When we broke up, he was like a matter of weeks too young, so it would've been his responsibility, anyways.

My landlord said the neighbors complained about the smell of cat urine, and that's when I first knew that Jags had sprayed on the baseboards in the storage room. He made me get rid of him. I gave him to my ex (who, by the way, has lived off two sets of friends now since we broke up) and it was fine for two whole months. Then last weekend I got a voicemail from the ex when he was mad at me, saying he had to get rid of the cat. I assumed it was his temper talking, and figured as usual when he cooled down, he'd regret saying that. Then the family with whom he is living with called me last night and said today by 2 p.m. the cat (my little baby) was going to the SPCA to be relinquished!!!!! :eek: :mad: Apparently, after two months of NOTHING, he started spraying again this week.

I made arrangements for my ex to bring my cat over here, and we all said goodbye to him. I cried knowing he'll probably be put down, and haven't stopped crying since. I have volunteered at many SPCA-type operations, so I know what'll happen- which is all the more reason to upset me. All because I couldn't afford the $200 to get him neutered (their first appointment was in January when I called back in Sept. so it wouldn't have mattered, I guess.) But now this beautiful animal is going to be put down, likely within a few days of Xmas, for what????? *** My stupid ex makes about $4000 or more a month, lives off these people so has no payments or bills, and he couldn't give me the money or get it done when he had the cat??????? It was him who brought that little cat home.....he is responsible for paying for it even when I had the cat. So the one thing I had left that I prided myself in (not ever putting an animal to sleep) is gone too. I just can't even think of how scared he is.....even when he was here, after a while, he sensed the tension and he started growling and even tried to bite me and my son.

Just knowing that one moment he'll be alive and beautiful, and the next he'll be wiped away.....I can't live with this horrible pain in my heart. I've been on Lithium for close to 2 months now......and have been somewhat better, but now this....I can't deal with this in addition to all the other painful losses I've had at Christmastime....I lost my oldest son at Xmastime (10th) and now I'll lose this beautiful little creature then too.

I'm more worried about him than my feelings, I just know he's so scared there. What will he feel when he's put down? Will he suffer? Be sad b/c his family who is supposed to be loyal to him has completely deserted him in the most cruel way possible? During his last few seconds of life, will his little heart be breaking, knowing we left him there?

When my ex left my house with him, he was screaming at me, saying it's my fault and it better be on my conscience and I was a murderer and that I DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO FIX THE PROBLEM. :mad: *** Honesty, with my income there's not even enough money there to pay all of our bills all the time....and him not paying child support for several months doesn't help either. And the director of the SPCA herself told me the voucher would be enough for most or all of it....so the maybe $20 I'd have to pay, I was going to take out of my food budget for my own food and just eat a little less. When my ex left and said all of that, I was too upset and already (or still) crying when he said that, so I didn't/ couldn't answer.....:( :(

Can someone tell me how to cope with this? I used to have OCD too, and images like this of my little guy being put down will still haunt me years to come, I know. Why, oh why did this have to happen? And why at Christmas? :mad: Even though I have kids, that does it, I HATE Christmas forever...so many painful memories......my heart is just being shredded right now. I've always been a sensitive person and always loved harder than most people seem to, so this kind of a thing is absolutely impossible. There's no way I can live with this........someone please help. Tell me what to do to make the pain get easier. Or just tell me something, anything..... :(

Kendra

Kendra,

I am so sorry, I understand your anguish over your little baby cat, Jaggy, right? In the months when I knew my marriage was ending and I wouldn't be able to care for 3 kitties and knew he wouldn't take care of them well, I tried giving one up, and cried myself sick the whole night and bought him back the next day. I have been incredibly fortunate because my dad has paid my rent for 6 months, but now I have to find a job so I don't lose my little ones. Can't have them at my parents because every one else is allergic. Thinking of them in those cages, waiting, breaks my heart, too. I honestly believe that in some way your baby understands and will till his last moment. Cats are mental communicators.

Is it absolutely too late to get him out? And is there a possible second shelter that neuters as part of its process? 2 of mine I got from the shelter, and they weren't released until they were neutered. I am so confused why one wouldn't neuter. That is part of why you pay a smallish fee when you get them.

We had a 4th cat, an absolutely gorgeous white bengal, but the day I saw him brutalize the littlest one, I knew we had to give him up. I belive him and yours had and have very good chances at finding another home because of the season and their age; it is so much harder to place a really old or fat cat, and there aren't tons of kittens or youngish cats in the winter.

But it is still so very hard, and for whatever comfort it is worth, I understand and my heart goes out to you. Even a neutered cat may spray if in an agitating situation, and I saw for myself how my pets handled the separation and the crying fits I had.

:blob_fire Oh wait, I just thought of something: pet foster care! My counselor told me about it, there are organizations of people who will care for your pet while you are ill, maybe someone would foster yours until you were able to get a handle on stuff and work out the surgery? Worth a shot, maybe. If your PTSD and other conditions have you so down that you keep playing the picture over and over in your mind, in that relentless circle with no relief, seems to me it applies to have a foster pet-parent.

Sadly, but hopefully? the gal who will work just to keep her pets!

Gosh, I just felt like I should chime in here. I don't have any help for you, but I just wanted to say that we have all been there in one way or another and can empathize. Please stick around and get some support here. There are lots of really knowledgeable people who care and can offer support and sometimes great advice on how to get yourself out of a fix and out of the slump (like b-monday), I never would have known about pet-foster care.

Anyway, please try too keep your chin up. You should also talk to your doctor about adjusting your dose. These medications are supposed to help with the obsessive behaviors that can drive us all nuts! I've had lots of success with Lamictal when the lithium was only barely working. I saw improvement, but not like this.

Good luck and God bless you. Things will get better, I promise. We're thinking of you! :angel:

I am so sorry that you have to go through this especially at this time of year. My ex broke my heart and betrayed me several years ago in the worst possible way. I was so devasted that I forgot to sleep and eat for most of 10 days. I played sad songs over and over and played the horrible situation over in my head every couple of minutes. I thought about it in every way I could and somehow I think I was obsessing and thinking if I turned it over and over enough in my mind, I would finally understand it and be able to deal with it. No matter how many times I thought about the events, I could not change them or ease my pain thinking of the bad memory. In fact I made my self worse. I went down hill so fast that my family was terrified and my children, 12 and 13, were speechless. They watched me like I was a caged animal and I could actually see fear in them. Mom finally dragged me to a psych outpat. hospital. The doc gave me tons of meds and I slept for the first real sleep in 10 days. He made me promise to eat, which was hard, but I did little by little. Try to just eat some healthy stuff, even if it is bits at a time. I was stuck in this process and I could not get out by myself. The more I slept and ate, the better I felt. It was a very slow process, but I fought my way out.
I know the feeling of being absolutely terrified to sleep, I have been there too. The only way I deal with it is take ambien (the new one) and I can still feel the panic and fear coming as I drift off, but I fall asleep before a full panic attack sets in.
Run and do not walk to the doc immediately. If you can only see your personal doc, then go get something to sleep till you see a psych. Dont let your children go through this too and the more you obsess over this the faster you will go downhill. Talk to someone, maybe your dad or mom. Just to get it out and see compassion on another's face is comforting.
May you be blessed during your hard time. Things will get happy again, just tie and knot and hand on. You are in my prayers and so is your kitty.

Kendra,

I am so sorry, I understand your anguish over your little baby cat, Jaggy, right? In the months when I knew my marriage was ending and I wouldn't be able to care for 3 kitties and knew he wouldn't take care of them well, I tried giving one up, and cried myself sick the whole night and bought him back the next day. I have been incredibly fortunate because my dad has paid my rent for 6 months, but now I have to find a job so I don't lose my little ones. Can't have them at my parents because every one else is allergic. Thinking of them in those cages, waiting, breaks my heart, too. I honestly believe that in some way your baby understands and will till his last moment. Cats are mental communicators.

Is it absolutely too late to get him out? And is there a possible second shelter that neuters as part of its process? 2 of mine I got from the shelter, and they weren't released until they were neutered. I am so confused why one wouldn't neuter. That is part of why you pay a smallish fee when you get them.

We had a 4th cat, an absolutely gorgeous white bengal, but the day I saw him brutalize the littlest one, I knew we had to give him up. I belive him and yours had and have very good chances at finding another home because of the season and their age; it is so much harder to place a really old or fat cat, and there aren't tons of kittens or youngish cats in the winter.

But it is still so very hard, and for whatever comfort it is worth, I understand and my heart goes out to you. Even a neutered cat may spray if in an agitating situation, and I saw for myself how my pets handled the separation and the crying fits I had.

:blob_fire Oh wait, I just thought of something: pet foster care! My counselor told me about it, there are organizations of people who will care for your pet while you are ill, maybe someone would foster yours until you were able to get a handle on stuff and work out the surgery? Worth a shot, maybe. If your PTSD and other conditions have you so down that you keep playing the picture over and over in your mind, in that relentless circle with no relief, seems to me it applies to have a foster pet-parent.

Sadly, but hopefully? the gal who will work just to keep her pets!



It's nice (and sad also) to know someone understands how I'm feeling right now. Thanks for replying back so quickly.


For most of your reply, when I read it, I bawled my eyes out. Somehow I did this silently even though my heart was breaking (my kids were right behind me and they had no clue.)

I live in a city of 60,000 and there is only one pet rescue organization here.....when my ex was here for us to say goodbye to Jags, I made him call down there and just see if there were any other choices at all. He explained the whole situation to whomever answered the phone...and basically, she said that other than private border's, there nothing we can really do. The only other measure of comfort she offered was that they'll keep him for a while and try to find him a home. ("A home" breaks my heart....his home is here. It feels like one of my kids is gone or something :( sad) I mean, obviously I'm glad that there's a chance he might be adopted and not the other alternative, but it feels wrong. It's like once these little guys worm their way into your heart, it's for forever.

I keep thinking...my mind's running 100 miles an hour. I keep thinking maybe if he's still there next week, I can get him and just hope my landlord doesn't find out and maybe if I try another city a few hours away, someone will be able to do the operation sooner, and I can keep him. Or my ex can if he's neutered and doesn't spray........the procedure itself and the travel would be over $300...maybe my ex could pay me in 2 installments or something (since I still think this is HIS stupid fault.) He's the one walking around, dripping with money, and has gotten a new Palm, Laptop, bunch of clothes, and even THREE yes THREE winter coats, while my only winter coat he wrecked!!! Why couldn't he have gotten Jaggy neutered within the last 3 months? Even if they couldn't get him in until January, his friends may have let him stay knowing it would only be a few weeks.

Gosh, I just felt like I should chime in here. I don't have any help for you, but I just wanted to say that we have all been there in one way or another and can empathize. Please stick around and get some support here. There are lots of really knowledgeable people who care and can offer support and sometimes great advice on how to get yourself out of a fix and out of the slump (like b-monday), I never would have known about pet-foster care.

Anyway, please try too keep your chin up. You should also talk to your doctor about adjusting your dose. These medications are supposed to help with the obsessive behaviors that can drive us all nuts! I've had lots of success with Lamictal when the lithium was only barely working. I saw improvement, but not like this.

Good luck and God bless you. Things will get better, I promise. We're thinking of you! :angel:


Hi and thanks for caring. My doctor said we have to up the level gradually...I started with 1 pill, and am now at 3 per day. I go in for bloodtests every week. He just increased it to the 3 a day, and with Christmas and whatnot, I don't see him until January now. :( I do agree that something HAS to be done....this level (or less) of intensity of emotion always ends in just one way. And I can't plunge into that depth of insanity over Christmas. I have always believed that I seem to love harder and crash harder...I guess that's the BP talking??? I don't know.

Thanks for letting me know someone else has experienced those horrible thoughts/ images that play a constant sideshow in our heads.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this especially at this time of year. My ex broke my heart and betrayed me several years ago in the worst possible way. I was so devasted that I forgot to sleep and eat for most of 10 days. I played sad songs over and over and played the horrible situation over in my head every couple of minutes. I thought about it in every way I could and somehow I think I was obsessing and thinking if I turned it over and over enough in my mind, I would finally understand it and be able to deal with it. No matter how many times I thought about the events, I could not change them or ease my pain thinking of the bad memory. In fact I made my self worse. I went down hill so fast that my family was terrified and my children, 12 and 13, were speechless. They watched me like I was a caged animal and I could actually see fear in them. Mom finally dragged me to a psych outpat. hospital. The doc gave me tons of meds and I slept for the first real sleep in 10 days. He made me promise to eat, which was hard, but I did little by little. Try to just eat some healthy stuff, even if it is bits at a time. I was stuck in this process and I could not get out by myself. The more I slept and ate, the better I felt. It was a very slow process, but I fought my way out.
I know the feeling of being absolutely terrified to sleep, I have been there too. The only way I deal with it is take ambien (the new one) and I can still feel the panic and fear coming as I drift off, but I fall asleep before a full panic attack sets in.
Run and do not walk to the doc immediately. If you can only see your personal doc, then go get something to sleep till you see a psych. Dont let your children go through this too and the more you obsess over this the faster you will go downhill. Talk to someone, maybe your dad or mom. Just to get it out and see compassion on another's face is comforting.
May you be blessed during your hard time. Things will get happy again, just tie and knot and hand on. You are in my prayers and so is your kitty.


Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. As far as the sleeping thing, I am also a chronic pain patient, and take triplicate meds, and they have allowed me to sleep like never before in my life. I've ALWAYS had a sleep disorder (at least since I was 2) but as soon as I began this treatment(2004) I almost never have a problem anymore. But thanks for the heads up b/c sometimes in times of great stress I have those nightmares......had one of my "night terrors" a few nights ago, and I know it's one of the 5 or 6 I'll remember for all of my life. I am seeing my family doctor thursday, and maybe I'll ask for something anyways, what with Xmas and all.....I don't want my kids to be scared of their mommy b/c she crashed over the holidays.

Oh, btw- no one in my entire family knows about the BP. I just recently told my Mom I have a mood disorder, but in '97 when this doctor treated me, I was on Depakote (even though it was never even suggested I had BP then.)

And as far as telling my parents for comfort.....first, I should say my Dad's been an emotionless alcoholic since before I was born, and my Mom has always been the first to show me why everything's my fault. Even when I was brutally raped and attacked in '97, when the police called her at the hospital, it was only maybe midnight, and she said she had to sleep and couldn't come. I was so numb and screwed up I don't know how long it was until she saw me....I only remember neither of my parent's would look me in the eye for probaby a whole year. My Mom's 1st words to me were, "What did you do to make that man do that to you?" So anyways, needless to say, I've learned as a measure of self-protection to tell her as little as possible, which is difficult b/c I've never stopped yearning for both their approval and love. But with my little baby kitty, I already know she'd say something like, "Oh well. Get over it. Had to be done." She's never comforted me except supposedly when I was very small.

I already know the people on this board will offer more comfort than my own family gives me. Thank all you guys for that. I hope I don't crash. I feel like the room's spinning around wildly and I'm going 100 miles an hour inside of it. So out of control. But I better go before I keep on. Thanks though.

Zuzu,

It has been a few days--how are you doing? Were you able to get any help from the doctor?