looking for spouses to make this journey easier. Wearing me down. Any ideas? Advise?

I wish I had some words of encouragement but I don't. My journey has been so horrific at times. We are now separated. I hope someone will encourage you.

netvista

There are countless examples of spouses supporting BP on this board. I am one of them. Do a quick search on my user name, and read through some of these. What you will find is some good, some bad, and all very difficult. This is not easy, as I am sure you are finding out.

Please give us some details about your situation, so those of us with similar stories can offer our support, or at least commiseration.

I think it would the best to give us the specifics to your situation. It also helps just to write the post telling your story.

Hope this doesn't fall on deaf ears, since there hasn't been activity on this thread for a couple of weeks. It was comforting to see that there are other husbands dealing with bipolar wives. My wife was diagnosed with bipolar II, 17 years ago. She was hospitalized 3 times before we met, the last time in March of 1997. Since then, she was very stable on lithium and depakote - nearly 10 years without episode... even during 9/11 when she was in the North Tower!!! She has led a completely normal life - went to college, has prospered professionally. In June of 2006, we decided that we wanted to start a family. Under the supervision of her psychiatrist, she stopped taking depakote and attempted to slowly transition to lamictal. She developed the dreaded lamictal rash and stopped taking it and did not resume depakote b/c of the known issues with pregnancy. Because she was on a relatively low level of meds and given that it had been so long since her last episode, the doctor was okay with staying with lithium. We consulted a high-risk pregnancy Dr. that has experience with bipolar pregnancies. So we were aware of the risks. What we didn't know was that by discontinuing depakote, it would slowly chip away at the stability. Over the course of the next several months, we started having issues in our relationship. And since I had never experienced any bipolar behavior and had no idea that I was missing signs. The next bit of info, I have filled in, after-the-fact. She began to develop an infatuation with a co-worker. I've read and been told that during mania there is a risk of infidelity. I will never know for sure whether it was bipolar or otherwise, but it resulted in an affair. Apparently, she tried to stop it, but he kept pursuing, which fueled her guilt. The guilt kept building and building over the past couple of months. Then in December, we found out that she was pregnant, which should have been a very happy time for us both. The reaction I received was heart-wrenching, because this was something that we had both wanted and now it was clearly not something she wanted. In a matter of 2 days, this led to an acute manic episode which also presented with psychosis. I was forced to hospitalize her. That was a tortuous experience, which I don't hope to repeat any time soon. It was during the hospitalization that I found out everything. Her mother told me not to listen to what she was saying because it wasn't the "truth" per se about how she felt about me. Still, it was probably the most difficult event I have ever experienced. My wife is home now, after 2 weeks in the hospital, but on different meds, due to the pregnancy, which is problematic in itself, since determining therapeutic levels is like finding water with a divining rod. She's on haldol, 10mg/per day, but the akathesia has been intolerable for her. So now she's now scaled back to 5mg. I am beginning to think there is some depression mixed in with her recovery. She has mentioned on several occassions that she feels terrible about what she's put me through. As you can imagine, my range of emotions is wide as it is deep. The bottom line is that I love my wife and want nothing more for her to get better. I'm trying to be strong for her, but I have so much myself to deal with in the wake of everything. Anyway, this is my story.

Hello Worried,
Sorry you are having to deal with so much in such a short time span. Since you never knew your wife in the midst of a bipolar episode, it is a great shock for you. I am sure you felt like you knew something about bipolarity until this recent event with your wife, and now you are playing catch-up, trying to understand as much as you can in a short period of time. It sounds to me like the ob had less experience dealing with bipolar patients than he led you to believe. But that is water under the bridge at this point. Hopefully you can put your own pain on hold while you work to find the meds that your wife can take that will allow for her to regain some stability and her health.

Weekends are always slow on the board. I'm sure you will be hearing from others soon, now that they understand more about the situation you find yourself in now. regards, Tsohl

Thanks for your reply. I always knew there would be a possiblity of episodes, but having gone nearly 10 years, we had a false sense of security. I liken the event to dealing with a boulder crashing down a mountain on to you, but in this instance because of all the other issues, it's more like a landslide. I have been holding back my pain in order to make sure I am the caregiver that she needs, but there have been times lately that I have not been able to hold it in, breaking down in tears. I have scheduled a psychologist appt for myself... Friday can't come soon enough. BTW, the issue wasn't the ob. His advice has been really on the money. It was that the psych was so hands off, even though his patient was changing meds. Over the weekend, we paged the on-call dr when we grew concerned about the akathesia and received a much better response and follow up from the on-call than we did the entire time my wife was hospitalized. My wife called to switch psychs today. The problem that I have, especially here in Ohio, is that many of the out-patient psychiatrists do not have hospital privileges. While we may be fixing the outpatient treatment, if my wife were hosptalized again, we'd still be in the same boat. So many frustrating issues that I didn't realize existed.

I can tell you from my experience that it can be difficult to find a pdoc and therapist that really understand bipolar disorder. My son had to keep changing pdocs until he finally found one who had a lot of experience with neuro-pharmacology. The first ones just kept throwing a variety of meds his way each month when he went in, with the "here, try this" attitude. After a year of this I persuaded him to find someone new. But as we went through this experience I was amazed at what little actual understanding some of these professionals had with bipolarity and how it affects an individual.

Even in a patient who is fairly stable, meds can stop working, or a new mix or combination is necessary to maintain that stability. I can only imagine what happens when a woman has all the hormonal changes of pregnancy on top of changes in medication. It sounds like it will be difficult for your wife to forgive herself and difficult for you to forgive her for putting you and your marriage through all you've been through. Hopefully the new pdoc can get her on the right track again, and with your counseling as well you will find a way back to each other. It is good that you are taking care of yourself, too.
I hope the worst is over and that you will be able to recover and mend. best regards, Tsohl

Dear Worried Spouse,

I am so glad you have decided to see a therapist yourself. The range of emotions you are feeling must be overwhelming at times - you went from a stable marriage to a stable wife to a whirlwind of emotions, betrayal of trust, a mixed reaction from her about the longed-for baby, and caregiver all in a very short time. No wonder your head is spinning!

So, take a deep breath and give yourself credit for being proactive. You WILL get your life (and hers) back together again, but you are dealing with the uncontrolled aspects of the disorder. Take heart in the fact that she found meds which worked so well and that the pregnancy doesn't last forever. Once she can get back on her old regime, she should be feeling better. Try not to let her (or you) dwell on what's happened, but rather the happy life you have ahead of you with your new baby.

I wish you the best. Keep posting. It helps.

Hope