Hi

I am new to this board, but not to the problems of infertility. I have been through two HSGs, surgery that resulted in a diagnosis of endo, becoming pregnant this summer only to discover at 11 weeks that there was no baby (fetal sack was empty), another surgery, several cycles using clomide, multiple internal ultrasounds, and lots of dashed hopes. DH and I have been dealing with things so differently that we are of little help emotionally to each other.

My question is this.....how do others deal with the prospect of not having kids? My whole world revolves around kids (with work, friends, and family kids are a big part). The thought of never having my own is devestating as it has been my dream to have my own family. The specialist has said that our best chance of conceiving is 20 percent, and that is with invetro. We can not afford invetro. I feel as though I am stuck in a long, lonely tunnel. Ever been there? What do I do?

Thanks for listening.

Hi I am sorry that you are going through this. I dont have endo ,but I had adhesions around my tubes preventing preg. The best advice I can give you is Dont give up. Take a break if you need one and go with the flow. You might not be able to afford IVF but eventually you might be able to in future.The reason I say this is because I gave up years ago on infertility issues and started back again. There is medications for endo. that also help. I wish you and your husband all the best of luck. KIM

Hi there,

Welcome to the board. I am so sorry for your miscarriage I had the same exact thing happen to me at 9 weeks in Febuary 2006 and I know how painful and frustrating it can all be. It took me a LONG time deal the loss of my pregnancy and it took a major toll on my relationship with DH at that time. I don't think you can ever get over it just maybe get through it :) One thing I can tell you is that the feelings of loss to get better with time. Men and women deal with things a lot differently from one another and for DH and I it was really hard sometimes dealing with a miscarriage and IF, it can get really overwhelming. Especially for us women....it is all I think about some days..well every day really. What does help me is to maintain an open communication with DH even if he does not always understand I would tell him I needed him to hear me out and help us get through all of this together.

You asked; "how do you deal with the prospect of not having kids." Well I try not to think about that b/c I know that no matter what I will have kids one way or another. It is very hard and some days but this board can really help you get through those rough days. I can't imagine having my own either so I just keep on moving and keep on hoping that one day I and everyone else on this board will have their turn too. It does feel lonely sometimes but you have all of us hear on the board to support you. You are not alone, although we may have diffrent IF issues we are all here for the same reason.

You have made it this far so it goes to show how strong you really are. Just don't loose hope ok :) Perhaps seek a second opinion from another RE to really know what your choices are. IVF is expensive but hang in there... you did get pregnant once before (without IVF right?) who says you can't again!!! Wishing you all the best and I hope you know you can count on all of us on the board to support you.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing :)

((BIG HUGS))) oh and sorry for the long e-mail :)

Kathy/deluka

Thank you for the replies. I realize that there are others going through the same thing, but I am having a really rough time lately. Thank you for the words of encouragement. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

hi, i wanted to say sorry you are having a rough time, and you have every right to feel that way.. i recently failed my 2nd ivf and am getting scared it will never work, and i was told i have about a 65-70% chance, and with 2 that puts me at 140% and still no baby.. have you considered a second opinion?? maybe a dr who has a treatment plan that will work for you? now is that a 20% chance of getting pregnant all together, or 20% each treatment cycle? what about iui?? i dont remember reading your tubes werent working.. and i know ivf is expensive, but if it works it is definitly worth it.. my sil took a home equity line out on her house to pay for her ivf cycles and now has a beatiful 3 yr old .. i know there is no guarantee of a child, so it is very difficult to make a decision like that.. or some clinics offer payment plans and money back guarantees etc.. and i wouldnt listen to much to drs percentages.. bc look at how high of a percentage they gave me, and i have never been pregnant, and all the time they said the yput back perfect embryos, and i hear of women a lot that have lower percentages and so-so embryos, and they end up pregnant, so please dont lose hope or get discouraged by what your dr says!! you def. dont sound ready to give up! i will keep praying for you and all of us here!!!

Thanks, ASPROUSEY05. I appreciate your words of encouragement. They were not sure why I wasn't conceiving, but now with the endo diagnosis and they have also discovered that even with meds the lining of my uterus is not getting thick enough to allow implantation. Hopefully it will get better with time.

I don't have a lot of doctor options....I am in a small, rural community in Canada. It is about 120 miles (each way) to see my specialist. They quoted $10 000 per attempt for IVF. If it were guarenteed, we would find the money somewhere. We can not risk putting ourselves that much in debt for a 20% chance of conceiving, though. We would need to have some money left to raise the baby with!

My DH has no sperm. We have a 15 % chance of finding sperm to do ICSI and IVF with. I grapple with the thought of never having my own children every day. I work with children and am very close to the ones I work with. It pains me every day to see these families with their beautiful children and think that I may never have my own.

It also pains me that people are so insensitive to infertility and that people take their fertility for granted. I realize that I may have become bitter and jealous toward fertile couples, but it pisses me off that people who put babies in microwaves are fertile and people like us are not. If there is a God why does he allow people like this to be fertile?

Anyway I have no words on how you ponder life without children. I myself have asked that question on this board. All I can say is take this time to cherish your DH and enjoy the time you have together now. Before you know it you may have a child and then you will wish you had more alone time together. Maybe befriend a needy child and become an important figure in their life. The people you have a profound effect on do not always have to be your family. The rewards you will gain from loving any child will have great effects on you too.

Good Luck!