i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 20 years old.
i knew before that there was something wrong.
very young i used to get into deep sadness even for things that will never bother other children, but sometimes i would dream i could change the whole world. No one in my family understood.
i had to pass from bad mood, to wanting to leave uni because i was not able to concentrate, hitting a college colleague by a minor provocation, to engage into a relationship with a married man, loosing his child and going into deep depresion, to leaving my country in search for a fresh start, got a good job, a husband, having problems with my husband, leaving my meds because i believed to be ok, putting my job at risk due to rows with colleagues, specially people in authority,trying to kill my self, cheating on my husband out of the blue i felt i hated everyone at the same time i did not felt either the consequences or that i was doing someting wrong, two suicide attempts after realizing that i did something wrong, going to new meds and finally feeling a little bit more "normal", still i might overspend money, cry for stupid things, have insomnia or sleep a lot.
But you know what is really difficult, finding that the people around you still believe that you do all this kind of things because you are just a bad person.
has it happened to you? how can you deal with your family?

Now there's a can of resentment right there for me. (MY family is in complete denial of my illness). There are similarities between some of your experiences and mine. I think if your personality is somewhat strong like myself, then you like I did, benefit from strong people, not physically but secure, and people that are both good role models and excellent communicators. I feel for you and hope that your journey will be strengthened by hope and a willingness to seek growth.
Kind Regards Tony

I can SO relate to your story. Problem is, I believe that I am a bad person. Unless the family (or even other people) has been there, they MAY NOT understand. How could they? And some people don't want to take the time.

Truth is, there ARE people out there who are true supporters. Once you find one, you will be seeking them out because you KNOW they are there. I found one ONCE. Problem is he abandoned me and now I am starting at square one again. So I am starting here. A good a place as any.

Here is a place where people DO understand and DO care. I know what its like first hand to go through relationships looking for that something thats not there. Its frustrating.

Hang in there. We are here for you.

Love, Lori

I recently read a graet passage in a book called Why Im affraid to show you who I am. Now mind you my brain is a bit scattered at the momment, and i cant worry about spelling when my fingers dont work as fast as i would like so sorry, anyway, I keep going over this same part. It says to allow your self to set your family free, Just because u are apart of this "unit" and you share the same blood does not mean that u r them and they r u. In addition to that your issues are yours. There issues are there own. Allow them to feel the way they feel because you can not change them, However that does not give them the power over you. Only you have that. So work on you, u know whats going on with u . My sister and i are very close, when its comfortable for her. I told I was gay ...she told me it was a condittion..a sittuation..lol..I call her about my BP she says nothing but u can cut the tension with a knife.. At that moment I realized something... She has soooooooooo many issues and she hides, and here i am facing mine like a rragging bull...this makes her uncomfortable because she cant face her own "stuff" So u see 2 things...one u still have to keep going regardless of your familys acceptance or not because you and only you have to live in your own skin..and second maby its not you that they cant support but something inside of them that they just cant face or take responibility for. I hope u can find that little bit of peace as I have . Its hard because u expect theses people to love u and support u know mattre what. Mabey they r just not able to .not because u r "bad". but because they r not able. I dont know if this has help but i hope it has have a nice holiday..u accept u and the rest of the world will follow...kas

It's very common, unfortunately, for some family members and others close to you to not believe the dx, some even act like "snap out of it"...I know, I have this problem too. It is not uncommon-happens to me-to doubt your own dx yourself. When I'm feeling normal I think it might all be a joke! But I am quickly reminded since I am a rapid cycler...all you can do is help them to understand by meeting with your pdoc or tdoc if you have one, and if they are willing to read up about it. Otherwise it is their problem really, you have been diagnosed and know you are not a "bad person". Sometimes those who love us have the hardest time accepting things that are wrong-especially MI-so they prefer to live in denial.

Family denial? I am going to come at you at a different angle..I am the mom of a 20 yr.old just diagnosed with bipolar..granted, he is younger than you and hasnt had the problems you have had..you have been thru alot. There are days where i say how is he going to live his life like this. how is our family going to survive it? It is so incredibly hard to understand the way hes feeling..I try,but its exhausting..He, like you, had issues in his teens..My husband chose to ignore them and still to this day would love to ignore his problems.Thinking maybe they will go away. But i know he has to stay on medication for him to be ok..And i am trying to drill that into him. some days i say i am giving up but, i know deep down that i will never give up on him..

Dakika,
I am the mom of a 17 year old BP girl. I understand that you may feel as if your family doesn't support you. My daughter has said the same about me.

After many years of feeling abused by her, and watching her go into manic and depression phases, after trying to push me on to moving traffic, after talking to me as if I were trash, after many suicide attempts, after laying on the train tracks and calling me on the phone so I could hear the train, after many sleepless nights for me becuase she would run away for days, after begging her to get help and to stay on her meds, after nearly filling for bankruptcy because of all the medical bills, pdoc bills, outpatient treament bills, meds and telling me that she doesn't care about "my financial problems"

after all the times I was out driving at 2 or 3:00 am looking for my daughter,

after all the times I have had to call the police becuase she was destroying my home and threatning to hurt herself...after all the tears, the screaming, the begging, the pain that we BOTH have had to endure...she still has the nerve to say that I have not been there for her.

It took me a long time to get over the fact, that no matter how much I am there for her, this illness is just too big for me. She needs someone to blame for how she feels. I see to it that she gets her meds and everynight I pray that I do not wake up to a dead child.

I have learned, after all the pain and suffering that WE BOTH are going thru (Because BP disorder is mental illness that affects us all) that just because she has a mental disorder it does not mean that she should not be held accountable for her behavior.

It is a terrible illness. She says things that cut like knives. I consider myself a battered woman.

So, I thought I'd give you another side of things. I told her many times that I love her and I know she knows it. It is just time (after 6 years of this toxic life we are both living) that I take care of myself. I am her mother. I will always be there. Support she has had. She just can't see it. Nothing I do is enough. It is not denial, it is exhaustion.

Laura

Lap, my son has said things to me that felt like he was cutting me with a knife too. what happens to them, its like thay have no conscience at all..how do you say things like that to your parents and then just go about your day? My heart is slowly breaking into pieces , not to sound dramatic,but its true!

I know Jules, There is no pain worse than this one. I have sought therapy for myself. I am feeling a lot better. I am learning to "detach with love". It's not easy but it is realistic. I have also learned that I did not cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
Laura

It is so hard when the kids get abusive. I don't know how to even talk to my son when's he like that and I'll never get used to it (nor do I want to!) It also makes parenting so difficult. There are times when I want to give in to his demands just to keep peace, but I know that's not a solution.

LAP, one of the therapists used the expression recently to my son: "It's not your fault, but it is your problem." I think that's a good way to look at BP.

Good luck with your daughter. Detaching with love will go a long way for you.

Hope

I've been very lucky. My mom was as relieved as I was to finally have a name for what was wrong with me. I was suicidal for most of my teens (I'm 34 now) and hospitalized twice for suicide attempts, 1 time I was in intensive care for 3 days. Now that I am medicated, she is somtimes overprotective but I understand where she is coming from. I was only close to my mom, not my sister or step-dad. I try not to worry her when I'm having a rough time but she still worries. I have a wonderful bf that is completely supportive of me and takes care of me when I'm having a bad day. I feel so fortunate that I have this circle of support when i see so many people who have no one.

I am having a hard time coming to grips with my daughters illness...she tried to commit suicide at age 8 and we have been on the roller coaster ever since.
We have had an especially rough last 2 years since the puberty monster hit, and for the lack of a better term my brain is tired. I worry myself sick and spend most of my free time trying to get her to the doctors or caling school, or dealing with her in general. I would not trade it for anything, because I am all she has, her father doesnt see her often and thinks she is fine, so much so he would not give her her meds when she visited. anyway, I have days where I am treated like garbage, talked to meanly, stolen from or lied to occaisionally, but I try to persevere, and do the best I can. I am more exhausted sometimes by feeling like I have to defend what I do for my child and her diagnoses in general. People who aren't educated about it ust think it's a "phase" I try to tell them no person wold choose this illness, or hospitalizations or meds.....but you can only try your best everyday, and thats all you can do.....good luck

There are so many facets to the pain of this disorder, even to the painfully sobering realization that a young child could be so desperate. My undiagnosed BP sister used to chase me with knives and threaten to kill me. Her inexplicable, abusive behavior was too much for my mom, and mom had her overdose, me being the one finding her when I was just a first grader. I still can't hear ambulance sirens without being taken back to it. When I was in 6th grade, the counselors called my parents because I was talking about having a cyanide tea party with another girl. But I guess they weren't equipped to deal with how large the problem was, and the stigma of others knowing. I was supposed to snap out of it, what I was experiencing was trivialized. Now my family is better educated and finally starting to see that it is a disease every bit as real as diabetes or high blood pressure. They can see the drugs helping or not helping. They will allow me to recall to their minds manifestations of the disease when I was younger. We are not yet at the point where anyone else is getting treatment they need, though. One step at a time, I suppose. I can ultimately only be responsible for me. But it really hurt going along blindly for so long, and then fighting against the alternative hypotheses for why I was suffering. :dizzy:

Has anybody had any good experiences with the CoDA organization?