I'll try to keep this short and to the point.

I was diagnosed with depression 18 years ago, was mildly self harming, excessive drinking to the point of blacking out and suicidal. I tried many antidepressants, but found none of them helped me much and I could nt handle the consant exhaustion on them.

I met DH and gave up the self harm, alcohol and antidepresants at 18 but started using cannabis and dabbled in drugs. This continued for a few years but gradually I gave up the drugs except the cannabis and the depression subsided to a point I thought I was controlling it.

Over the last few years I have had some very difficult times and a lot to cope with but DH and I decided it was time to try for a family. I stopped taking birth control pills and immediately the depression worsened, I started having mild hallucinations and strange dangerous thoughts. I then began drinking again and 6 months ago gave up the cannabis as it gets the blame for everything. I tried behavioural psychology last year but feel this made things worse. I plodded on trying to cope / ignore it but to no avail.

I recently had a review with a psychiatrist and laid all my cards on the table ( complete truth ) ...... feeling suicidal, drinking alcohol frequently and self harming. She said I had totally given up on life, set up an appointment to see a psychotherapist ( 3 months away ) and put me on 30 mg of citalopram. Despite almost every side effect possible ..... I did feel better within days. I had flashing thoughts but did not self harm and had rduced the alcohol intake significantly.

The worst of the side effects subsided but 2 weeks after stating them my GP changed me to 5mg of cipralex as I was hyper on citalopram. ( he does nt know the WHOLE truth ) Again I gave it a try but my mood plumeted again and started self harming and drinking daily.

A week later and I was back at the psychiatrist. Told her the truth and was put back on the 30mg citrlopram and given 25mg chlorpromazine to take 3 times daily but up to 200mg if I needed it.

I'm happy with the citaloprm except the exteme hyperness and am willing to give the chlorpromazine a go but DH is very against me taking it. I've been honest with him and told him how I feel and about the self harm ( until last weeks episode anyway ) but he does nt understand or believe how bad I'm feeling. It will also put a temporary stop to trying for a family and I'm not happy with this either but I've got to do whats best for me just now.

I've also got a really good friend whom I can confide in. I can tell her everything and she understands but not about the selfharm and she feels very strongly about me taking the chlorpromazine aswell. I have confided in her a lot recently but I feel its not fair and a lot for her to cope with too. She told me last night if I take the chlorpromazine I will push everyone away !
(I only have her and DH) Was this a warning that I've put too much on her ?

I'm so confused .... My friend and DH have pushed me to seeking help and telling the truth. I've done this but now its got serious they dont want me to take the meds. I cant go back to the psychiatrist so soon and fear being admitted. My appointment with the psychologist is 3 months away. If I self harm everyone will go balistic at me. If I dont take the meds I may get worse and will deffinately be addmitted. If I take the meds DH and friend will not be happy............I cant win ! The ******** about being open and honest, not bottling everything up inside has backfired on me.

I guess I'm just needing to vent. I need to take the meds but any advice would be great. Anyone else been through anything similar.
" Take the drugs ...... Don't take the drugs "

yeah, I've been through the same thing. You don't need meds. You do need meds.

You have to do what is right for you. I don't have any support system either. I did have one friend to confide in and support me and he abandoned me (I was too needy, maybe). This felt worse to me then not having a friend in the first place.

Some people don't understand unless it happens to them. Can you get into therapy? I pushed the idea away for years, but I seriously think I could benefit from having someone in my corner (even if I have to pay them, UGH). Oops, I see, 3 months is a long time. Can you put in for a cancellation? Or try for someone who can see you sooner?

Once again, do what is right for you. If you have to go back to the dr., by all means, go back. I am in the pit right now and its not a pretty place. If you have the help available, TAKE IT.

Do not fear the hospital. They will only put you there if absolutely necessary. And if that is the case, that is where you should be. I have been there and it is a safe place away from worry to get stable.

I wish you love and I hope things will work with your dh. Can you take him to your appt with you? Maybe he can get some insight to your situation.

Love, Lori

Hello,
You might want to check into a national organization called NAMI. You will find them on the Internet and they have groups all over the country. It is a great resource for education, referral and support. You might want to attend some of their meetings to learn more about your illness and to talk with others who may be in a similar situation to you. They have a variety of groups and it does vary from location to location.

The drinking and drug use usually make mania and depression worse. Also the medications that you are given will not work as well or as predictably if you are still using drugs or drinking.

I would suggest that you work with your pdoc and therapist to figure out what is the best treatment for you, and then you try to the best of your ability to stick to the plan. Your friend and dh should support you in this.
After all, they do not have the background or training to know what is in your best interest.

Sounds to me like you need to have your meds adjusted and you need to be in close, honest contact with your pdoc so that he/she knows how the meds are affecting you.

Hope you are feeling better by now. There is help for you. It may take some time and patience to find the right meds, but you can do it. Good luck!

The only thing I would add is that you need to get yourself and your dh and friend educated on bp. Education is a powerful thing and can help them (and you) understand why the medication is so critical to your well-being. It'a alot to process right now and while I'm sure they think they are recommending what is best for you, they probably don't have all of the information they need to make good recommendations.

I know they have your best interests at heart and you need to let them know how much you appreciate their support and will continue to need it, but that ultimately you will need to make decisions based on the way you feel, your own knowledge, and the advice of the pdoc and tdoc.

Good luck and feel better soon!


Hope

thank you all for your replies and support.

I decided, for the first time in my life I would do what was best for me ! I've been back on the citalopram for a week and started taking the chlorpromazine 5 days ago. I know I need the meds and am determined to get through this. DH was n't too pleased when I started the chlorpromazine but I explained I needed it and had to give it a try. My friend was totally freaked by it and I could nt talk her round.
I feel fantastic ..... better than I have ever felt !!! The chlorpromazine has really made a big difference, and has reduced the side effects of the citalopram. I have no panic attacks, the hyperness is controlable, no nausea, upset stomachs, tears, aggression is under control ( had to bit my tongue a few times though ) I'm not suicidal and have not self harmed in 8 days. I feel alive and quite happy. ( constantly quizzed, why am I smiling? )

Foreveralone : DH just does n't understand but my friend suffers bad depression and is on meds but does nt understand the self harm part of it. She is fantastic and a great support to me but think I maybe confided in her too much which freaked her and nearly chased her away. She is better this week, now she see's the tablets are helping me though.
Maybe I should take DH to my appointment, I am open with him but he does nt really understand or see how bad things are. I feel the appointments are my private time though and not sure I would totally open up if DH was there.

I'm sorry to hear you are very low at the moment, its a very scary and lonely place to be. Please hang in there, and I hope you find the stength till the darkness pasess. I'm here and I know there are others if you need to talk. Many thx for you support, it helped me when I needed it.

tsohl : I'm in UK but I'm sure I could find some support groups over here. I feel stronger this week so will check it out.
I've been drug free for about 6 months and have used alcohol "to cope" I know it does n't help, but I've survived to the point I am now getting help. I have cut down this week and dont feel I need it to get through the day. I need and want the help and am really giving it a go. I'm happy with my psychiatrist and she has medicated me and refered me to a psychologist. My GP knows about my depression but not how bad it has become or the self harm. I will find the strength to confess to him one day. I think I have been very lucky and the combo of meds seem to be working at the moment and I'm feeling so much better this week.

Hopealways : I reached a point where I had no option but to accept the medication. It took many years and I was very against it but the combo of the two has really made a big difference to me.
I've suspected BP for years and have done a lot of research and my friend has experienced really bad lows so understands to a point but DH just has nt got a clue. I've tried to explain it to him but until you've been there I dont think you can understand. Your right, it has been a lot to process. If it was nt for the self harm I dont even think I would have got to this point of accepting help. SSRI's are one thing but accepting I needed the anti-psychotic drug was scary. I've accepted I need help and medication and the good results I've had seem to have eased DH and friends fears.

Many thanxs to you all for your help and support. I really appreciate it and has been a great help to me. I'm feeling so much beter this week and have to admit .... it is purley down to the medication. I hope and wish every one is well and finds a meds / combo that works well for them.

Good luck and lots of love to you all.