My daughter has been involved with a boy for the last four years that we are convinced is bipolar. She has since been diagnosed with severe situational depression. He seems to be on one hand, crazy about her, caring, sweet and wonderful part of the time,but he also turns into the worst unfeeling, apathetic,and cruel person you could meet. The back and forth has taken a toll on her and myself I might add. Is it usual for someone with this illness to be so cruel and hateful to someone that I know he cares about?
Help!
Viktorious

I suppose so. I am not like that, but my ex was kind of like that. He would appear to other people as kind and polite, a gentleman. But when alone with me, (of course not all the time) he would be difficult and insisted that the world revolve around him. If I did not do what he wanted me to do, he would throw fits of rage. If he did not get his way he would take to bed for days and play "poor me". We went back and forth to many doctor visits, and they medicated and remedicated him over and over. I kept saying he needed to try to change, the medication alone would not just work like magic.
People did not believe what I had to see at home. Not until he went to live with his mom after the divorce. She called one day and said, "I can't believe you put up with this all those years! He's impossible to live with, I don't know what to do."
Be careful with your daughter, you did not mention how old she is, but at any age, you really want to keep an eye on things, and keep good communication with her to know what is going on.
Do you know if her boyfriend has asked for medical help?

My daughter is now 17 and will be 18 in a couple of months. We are very close and she has always been open with me about things. P(boyfriend) seems to be able to control his behaviour around others and he is good to her at times, but the monster seems to come out only around her and his immediate family. His whole family is dysfunctional and abusive and he is not diagnosed with bipolar disorder. His father has been diagnosed with it however. His mother thinks he is just naughty, or allergic to dairy products or infused with ***** or etc. My daughter's therapist had to know all about the situation and his behaviour and agreed that he is very possibly bipolar. I just can't imagine what he could be feeling when he is so cruel to her. I have even had talks with him about it and he just wants me to disregard what he did. Makes it seem trivial.

My daughter is now 17 and will be 18 in a couple of months. We are very close and she has always been open with me about things. P(boyfriend) seems to be able to control his behaviour around others and he is good to her at times, but the monster seems to come out only around her and his immediate family. His whole family is dysfunctional and abusive and he is not diagnosed with bipolar disorder. His father has been diagnosed with it however. His mother thinks he is just naughty, or allergic to dairy products or infused with ***** or etc. My daughter's therapist had to know all about the situation and his behaviour and agreed that he is very possibly bipolar. I just can't imagine what he could be feeling when he is so cruel to her. I have even had talks with him about it and he just wants me to disregard what he did. Makes it seem trivial.

My daughter is now 17 and will be 18 in a couple of months. We are very close and she has always been open with me about things. P(boyfriend) seems to be able to control his behaviour around others and he is good to her at times, but the monster seems to come out only around her and his immediate family. His whole family is dysfunctional and abusive and he is not diagnosed with bipolar disorder. His father has been diagnosed with it however. His mother thinks he is just naughty, or allergic to dairy products or infused with ***** or etc. My daughter's therapist had to know all about the situation and his behaviour and agreed that he is very possibly bipolar. I just can't imagine what he could be feeling when he is so cruel to her. I have even had talks with him about it and he just wants me to disregard what he did. Makes it seem trivial.

He sounds like me when I was much younger.....:dizzy: Yes, this type of behaviour seems quite typical to me. When I was high, I was quite seductive....come here.... when I was low, I was nasty....go away...
The switch between positive and negative behavioiur seems to really addict certain people and the relationship gets very toxic.

Perhaps the thing to look at is why is your daughter in a relationship with this person? What is the payoff for her? Does it allow her (or both of you) to focus on how bad HE is without dealing with her own predisposition to depression? I mean this with kindness...we are attracted to other people for a reason....

Clearly, you can't change his behaviour. All your daughter can do is change her own. Best wishes.

Thank you Three for your input.When you refer to the switch between positive and negative being addictive, do you mean for her or for him? P is a wonderful, sweet guy when he is good and she has loved him since she was in 8th grade. She feels his bad behaviour isn't his fault and he can't help it. She does get angry and feels bad often, but to her to be with him when he is loving, seems to be worth it to her. I know being her mother and knowing him now for over four years, I've come to care about him and he has a rough home life and it's hard to hurt him. I worry about what might happen to him if he drives her away (Loses her), he counts on her to always be there no matter what.
Viktorious

If I remember correctly, when I was that age, I was very easly influenced. I don't know your daughter, but it would be good for her to keep her distance from this boyfriend, this situeation seems familiar to me.
I think that if she only sees him, (as a friend or boyfriend) she may think that it is OK for people to treat her badly, since he's gotten away with it apparently many times. She may be more suceptible to bad relationships in the future. She should meet new (good) friends, especially if she is having problems with depression, this boy may just aggravate the problem. When I get depressed I feel so undeserving, so useless, and to have someone that makes you feel bad hanging around would just be unbearable to me.
Also, that boy needs some serious help, counseling and/or psych evaluation.
Your daughter as well as her boyfriend need to concentrate on getting better themselves first, before thinking of getting together.:rolleyes:
Seems to me that you are of big help to them since you care. It would be nice if the boy's parents cared also, enough to look for available help for him. He is too old to be a "problem child" He should be ready to be a responsible adult.:yawn:
Please tell me if I'm butting in too much. I just don't want someone else to go through what I went through to find out they should've changed their lives sooner. I wasted about 12 years of my life finding this out.
Took me 20 years to start believing I deserved better, I deserved to be treated right and to be loved. I still have a problem accepting this.
I was involved in a relationship that started for the wrong reasons, and then I did not let go because he was all I knew.
I am so blessed to have been able to change my life.
I hope I can be of some help, and I hope I did not offend.
STrawberry:D

Thank you Strawberry. My daughter has tried going out with some other people, but it doesn't seem to work out well. This boy is in her system and I don't know when or if he'll ever get out. She compares every other guy to him and they always fall short in some way. I have noticed that she doesn't really like the nice ones. I don't think she knows how to react to them. She finds them kind of boring. It's very hard since he has been around for so long now. We all care about him and his siblings. I don't think his mother will ever be of any help to him, nor his father. Maybe things will get better when he turns 18 next summer. He has mentioned moving in with us. I don't know. It's a very stressful situation caring so much about someone that I know is behind my child's depression, especially since she feels so deeply for him.I'm afraid of what may happen to both of them if they lose each other.
Viktorious