I was diagnosed almost a year ago with BP II. I did therapy from Jan to May when I stopped bc I felt I was doing so well. I got engaged in the summer to the most wonderful man (who has seen me through a very difficult 3 years) and I finally felt alive. I continued on with my psychiatrist (but not the therapist) and medicine and while I have had some bad times and hurt him, for the most part I was doing very well. Recently I have been forgetting sometimes to take my medicine.

Last night I drank way too much at a bar after a holiday party. When we got home I suddenly lost control and told him a very hurtful secret. And then proceeded to accuse him of cheating (he is not) and then asked him to leave me. I went from saying I didn't need him to saying I felt he needed to leave bc he deserved better. Through everything he was nothing but loving and forgiving. To be honest I blacked out some things.

I can not be so forgiving of myself. How could I do this AGAIN to the man I love the most? While I have not been feeling my best lately I still never would have imagined the hurtful rage that I produced last night. I called my therapist this morning to ask to come back regularly and I am not drinking like that again. I think deep down I fear that as much love as he has he will eventually not be able to deal with me. I think I feel when I drink (which isn't often by the way) that we are both better off if he leaves now.

I know that "sorry" is not enough anymore. But how do I ease the hurt that I caused? How can I make him know how much he means to me and how serious I am about never hurting him again? He says it is fine and he loves me, but after the things I said I can not understand how.

I wish I had some good advice for you on this, but I happen to be on the receiving end of this kind of thing. I know this, that when I drink I sometimes do things that I normally wouldn't (given) but it's weird to me how my Ex-Husband could always lose that control so much more in a big way and then when he analyzes it he says he really didn't mean those things. My only guess is this that knowing him, and knowing BP, it seems that everything he does and feels is in a bigger and more exagerrated(sp?) way. That leads me to believe that maybe the same thing happens with anything else-I used to get very frusterated at his "lack of control". What we have done is he does not drink to oblivion, and if he does get too drunk, I have the mindset that he might get too overboard with emotions and feelings. If he gets too nasty, I calmly remove myself from him, usually he'll them fall asleep. If he pursues me to get on my case and release some anger or whatever, I ask him to write it down so I can understand-distraction I guess. If all of that doesn't work then I listen, but with the TV on or something so I can distract myself. I realized that with BP these things will happen, and I am strong enough to either live with it or not. He on the other hand has made great efforts, to control his impulses, and when he doesn't, he does apologize, and I let him make it up to me-I guess after time we accept it-I know he loves me, and that rarely when he is nasty he is struggling. I watched a Public show on Alzheimers, and strangley enough, people advanced in the disease exhibit the same kinds of behavior-one minute calm and know who you are, and you know them, and the next minute they take a swing at you, and don't know who you are, and are quite nasty to you. The people taking care of these patients, take it in stride-I guess that's all you can do, I wish I had a better answer.

Hello Alberta,

I am not bipolar myself so I can't speak to what caused you to do this. However I have a couple suggestions. First I would tell him pretty much what you wrote on here and then I would see if he'd be willing to go to therapy with you, and treat it as "couples' therapy" not that he's sitting in on your session. If he is going to be in a long-term relationship with you, he needs to understand about bipolar disorder and what he's going to be confronting as he lives with you and your moods. I get the feeling that this is all rather new to you, too. I think you found out that you can't stop taking your meds because you are feeling better. Also it can be dangerous to drink while taking meds. The alcohol affects the way the meds work in your body. It can also exascerbate the mania or depression. If you don't have an issue with alcohol you might want to think about just not drinking at all. Then you have one less thing to worry about. I used to drink a lot and couldn't really imagine life without drinking, but let me assure you, it is good! You can still go to bars and parties and enjoy the "situation" just as much.

If you read through the threads on this board you will see that there are a number of people who post regularly that are in a relationship with a bipolar partner/spouse. It sounds like you are asking the right questions early enough in the relationship that you should be able to work out ways of communicating that will allow your relationship to flourish.

It sounds like maybe you and your fiance need to learn more about bipolar disorder. Hopefully you will both learn from this experience and can build on it.

I'm sure others will post with some good suggestions for you and how to deal with this situation. Good luck. Tsohl

I am in a similar situation-I have been with my boyfriend for almost seven years-I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 a year ago. He is also very supportive. I have also said many things to him that I regret. Your right sorry does seem so insufficient for some things we can say-and we really didn't mean to say them! They just sort of fall out like diareah of the mouth. I usually try to talk to him about it the next day-I also try to not make it sound like the usual bs apology. The best thing you can do is to stear clear of drinking as much as possible, and try your best to remember to take your meds-maybe ask your fiance to help you remember, tell him that your try very hard to continue to get help, but you forget sometimes. Also, keep in touch with your psychiatrist closely-don't hesitate to call at anytime when you start to feel a mood shift, a slite medication change could make a world of difference! Since our men in our lives seem to be very supportive of us, it should give us that more of a reason to keep on our meds and doing our treatment-to give them as close to a normal girfriend/wife that we can be. He obviously loves you dearly and he knows he's in for some ups and down and seems prepared. I also think couple thearpy could help greatly-and give hime tips on how to handle you if you have and episode. best of luck!

Thank you both for responding. You are right, this is still so new to me and I need to learn to deal with this. Drinking to oblivion has resulted in some very bad explosions from me in my past. While it is not something that happens often, it has happened, and every time it has I can not believe how I acted the next day.
But now that I know what it is that I am dealing with I need to take responsibility. I truly do love him more then I ever thought I could. He is truly amazing and I just want to get better and to treat him the way he deserves to be treated.

Hi, I think that you need to make a firm committment to yourself to refrain from anything that will bring about such behavior. Be forgiving of yourself enough to make the changes that you can make to assure that something like this will never happen again in the future.

Two things stick out to me in your post....."Recently I have been forgetting to take my medicine", and, "Last night I drank way too much.....I would never have imagined most hurtful rage that I produced last night." You need to learn from your mistakes....mistake #1 you didn't take your medicine as perscribed and mistake # 2 you drank way too much when you shouoldn't even be drinking while on your meds. Okay....so you made some mistakes now it's time to pick yourself back up and do your very best to make sure that you do not repeat them.

You can be medicated and still have to learn and know what you can and cannot do and things that you should avoid so not to trigger some of your behaviors that can be hurtful to others and leave you feeling so badly towards yourself. Therapy will help you with this and equip you with the tools that you will need to help deal with certain situations that the meds just can't do. Once you learn and realize this then things will get better. Remember, you have the ability to refrain from putting yourself in a situation (such as drinking) that you know will elicit bad behavior on your part. You have the power to make things better and from reading your post I KNOW that you will do everything you can to make sure such things do not happen again.

Telling your BF that you are committed to not putting yourself or him into that situation again by not drinking in the future will show him that you ARE sorry and aware of how much you hurt him and want to be sure that it doesn't happen again.

Forgive yourself and realize that you deserve to be loved even when you screw up as we all do every once in a while...why should you be any different???

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

cstep... thank you. your response made me cry. it is good to know i am not alone out there. what you wrote is exactly how i feel. i hate the thought of giving him some "i'm sorry- i'm bp" apolegy.
when i do lose it, you are right, i think i would like to have a way for him to know maybe how to respond. i wish so much that i could just be a normal gf. sometimes i do not understand why he loves me bc i am this person that i can really detest. knowing there are other people out there who go through this makes it a little more tolerable

goody, thank you. that is great advice. i am going to commit to not getting drunk anymore. as much as i feel like it would be hard to socialize, i could end up jeaporadizing the most important person in my life. if i was diabetic i couldnt have 6 donuts. i am bi polar and i can't have 6 beers.
my fiance has put so much effort and love into our relationship and i am commited to making the necessary changes to make it work and not hurt him.

Alberta,

I assume he loves you because you have special qualities that he doesn't see in anyone else. It is up to you to make yourself as healthy as possible so you can develop a mature relationship with him. You can do it!

Consider yourself one of the lucky ones. You are able to recognize your shortcomings and now you know there are things you can do to change the behaviors and responses that you don't like in yourself. That is the first step, and the biggest step. If you feel yourself starting to slide, check in here with your comments and questions. You will find support here from people who understand. Cheers! Tsohl

alberta24-he loves you because you are that person-you may be bp, but obviously your a wonderful person, and he sees it and accepts you for who you are. I think you know to stay away from drinking-how are your outbursts or mood swings when you don't drink? It does help a lot to sit down from time to time and talk to him and tell him how much he means to you-not just after a fight, if it's hard to do this you could always write a letter and tape it to the front door so he sees it before leaving for work. I was wondering what meds you take if you don't mind me asking. I will be in here frequently, so if you have any questions please feel free to come on and ask. I wish you guys all the luck-remember that it is possible to live a normal life as a bipolar person with a few bumps every now and then, but then again-who doesn't have a few bumps every now and then.

If you want to try and salvage your relationship, the first thing you need to do is lay off the booze! Alcohol is poison to bipolars because it intensifies whatever mood you're in rather than mediating it. I have ruined almost every relationship I have been in and it has almost always been when I have been drinking! My sister is also bipolar and the only friend she has left is an 84 year old man (she is 60). If laying off the booze isn't enough, try different meds or stronger meds. To be loved is very important to us all and whatever it takes to save relationships is well worth the doing. Peace and love to you and Happy New Year!

Hi Alberta, I am new here, but this question sounds like me exactly. (had BP for about 6 years) I have been married 3 years and almost got divorced because of this.
Ok there is a difference, I do not drink really because my father was an alcoholic, long story but hubby does and it pisses me off. Well either way there are so many times I am so violent to him, one time I punched him or kicked him or bit him, you name it.
Don't have any idea why we are still together. But I know I love him and can't live without him. Also it seems you forgot things you said or did? I do too, all the time and I dont understand it, just letting you know that you are not alone.
I think if we try to remember what happens when we do certian things maybe we have a choice in making sure that history won't repeat itself. I used to have great care in the states but moved to UK (he is from there) and free health care, well you get what you pay for.
SO I am not doing so good now but I think I keep trying to jeapordize what I have and can't figure out why.
Well you are lucky that you know who you are with is great so do what it takes to keep him. and you will be glad you did. I am even though we still have issues, I think mainly its me, so I need to work on that.
Well if he didnt love me he would not remind me to take meds or make my appts at the doctors so there ya go. I think just try to find a reason to keep on keeping on, and it sounds like you have that reason in him. Good luck! :)
leomia

hi alberta
I have been the receiver of what you have described here.
There are many similarities that I would like to ask you more about.
You mentioned also that you had cervic pap that you where waiting to get the results from back last spring. So did my SO! Do you have any contact info that you would like to use? I think we can give one and other a lot of insight. Hope things are going well.