I'm having a very hard time with this christmas season. The only father figure I had passed away leaving us in a huge bind...and my mother is going through cancer herself. These events have brought out some of the most violent behavior I have ever experienced with myself. When I was younger i was told by a psychiatrist that I was bi-polar....or manic depressive....and I hate the idea of medication it made me so sick...and "zombiefied" so to say. So I quit taking them, and tried to just "fix" myself. But now I feel myself unable to cope and control myself... I feel as if I'm at the edge of a cliff...dangling....slipping slowly. I have no friends...I can't seem to keep a job for some stupid reason....and my only hobbie (writing) has lost interest to me. I'm trying to get help....but unfortunately because of lack of insurance I'm on a 2 month waiting list. I'm desperate for help....my life is falling apart. Depression is definately something I have always struggled with...and I have a sever temper which causes me to have violent outbursts that I cannot control...at times i black out. i dont want to be this person anymore. I dont want to hurt my family in such a manner. I stumbled apon this page and am writing in hope that someone will understand me and perhaps give me some words of hope or advice. Thanks for listening....

Please, please hang in there!
I was as deep as you, so I know there is hope, time will get you through the fire. There are so many of us here to care about you. Wait for them to chime in!

wow...i wasnt expecting a response so quick...I'm just having a hard time bringing myself out of this....But thanks its nice to know someone is there to listen

Hi, MMM (sorry that name is alot to type:jester:) Like BM (oops that is not the best abbreviation:p My apologies Blau:cool: ) says.....things will not stay this way and as bad as things may seem today there is always hope for a better tomorrow.

Losses and stress will trigger Bipolar and it seems to be the case with you. I am glad that you are seeking out the help that you may need....the holidays are difficult enough without depression creeping in.

If you find that you cannot wait the 2 months out you may want to look into a hospitalization where they can find the right meds to get you through this. You will know if that is necessary so PLEASE do not be afraid to get the help that you may need. I know you do not want to succumb to the behavior that is taking over...with Bipolar it is sometimes out of your control until you are taking the proper medication. Please do not be afraid of the meds....there are plenty of new ones out there that will not "zombie" you out.....and in most cases even if they do in the beginning....if you give them a few weeks your body will adjust. Every person will react differently to the meds and one that works for one will not necessarily work for another. That is the hardest part of this whole thing....finding the right meds.

Lamictal seems to be a great med that addresses both the manic and depressive components of Bipolar and has a wonderful side effect profile. My daughter is on it and is still slowly increasing to the right dosage so that she doesn't develop a rash (which is the worst side effect which can be avoided by slowly introducing the med). So far so good!! So perhaps that may be one that you may have some luck with.

Like said.....there are so many new meds out there. IT is so important that you come to the realization that without meds Bipolar will only worsten. And with the right meds you can lead a very fulfilling life. So give yourself a Christmas gift this year by committing yourself to wanting to feel better by going to the psychiatrist and working with him to find the right med combo to make you feel better. Things can only get better if you do.

Please let us know how you are doing and hang in there.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

M3,

Goody is right about the hospitalization. I came to a point where I had to, and was glad I did after even though it was so scary a choice to make.
I have been on more than a handful of med combos, but my doc did find a combo where I could be lucid and feel like me. It is possible.

It sounds like you are in a melancholia depression, the kind that is so deep you lost interest in your writing. Because of that, I feel you need to talk to somebody now, not wait the 2 months. Would you consider calling a hotline or such? And what meds have you tried already? Maybe us cyber brothers and sisters can help you identify some new combos to try.

I am just so glad you have found the boards and written.

I actually have been considering hospitalization.....but you are also correct it is a scary thing. We don't really have much family. It is only my mother, little sister and I....and no one else... and it's hard enough...I'm scared to leave them especailly with all we've been through in the past few weeks. I've always been the dependable one...the strong one...and now I'm lost because I can't even control myself. But all of you out there are right.... it's just good to hear it from a complete outsiders unbiased opinion...so I can know if these judgements of mine are lagitament...or if I'm simply over exaggerating....

I think your feelings, concerns, worries are 100% legitimate. Your mom and sister, if they knew how badly you are feeling and need help, wouldn't they want to say, if they could, all that they want is for you to be okay, and if that takes hospitalization, do it now!? My doctor likened it to oil changes once; us with BP needing to go in and get stable every once in awhile when the meds stop working, is like taking the car in for an oil change. Nothing shameful. Just what has to be done to keep the car running, stay healthy.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad and that your mom is battling cancer. The other posts are right you may want to look into being hospitalized for a while. I know that insurance is a barrier for a lot of people, I'm thankful we have it. If you call an ambulance when you feel like your at bottom, you should be able to be hospitalized and probably get insurance from that point on. I know you want to be there for everyone, but remember you have to be okay also. Your health is just as important as anyone elses. Get yourself help so that you can be there for everyone else another day and then another day. Remember you matter also, even though others may be sick too. Meds are constantly changing and maybe you have just not received the right combination yet. I have a bp ex and a bp son. My son did not get the right combo until after several tries. Don't give up! Help is out there, it may take time to get you the right meds, but try to be patient with the process. I know it's hard when people look up to you as the strong dependable one. I don't have bp but people see me as that dependable strong person too. I do have heart/ lung/and migraine issues and know that sometimes I need to take just as much care of me as I do of other people. My health tends to decline when I don't give me enough "me time". It's not selfish to get help and be gone for a short period, it's caring enough about yourself and others to be 100% for yourself so that you can be there for others. You sound incredibly strong willed for others now direct that inward to yourself. May God bless you during your struggles and help you to be there for yourself. Best of wishes!

M3,

Thinking of you and wondering how you are doing now, after a little time has passed? I hope the melancholia has eased up a bit, and you are able to spend some quality, comforting, and even pleasant time with your mom and sister.

Thanks for asking. I'm doing a little better...I think... I'm still deeply depressed, I can't seem to fight it off, but it's been an okay Christmas. Very quiet and subtle....but none the less christmas. I'm just hanging in there, waiting for that call when I can finally go in an get help...I'm tired of waiting...It just feels wierd having to wait for help....I wish I could help myself, and I am in ways, I'm not drinking anymore (ever) but I just wish there was more I could do....but I can't for some reason. Oh well...everything happens for a reason right? God has a master plan for all of us. And like my boyfriend tells me I was made this way to be a stronger person and to help other people who may be in my shoes find light at the end of the tunnel....I just wish I myself could find the light....It's nice to know some one understands/cares (and lets me know I'm not completely insane!!) My thanks is to no end... God Bless and I hope you have a beautiful Christmas and a Merry New Year!!

2 months is too long to wait if you're in the state you are in! I wanted to encourage you NOT to be afraid of hospitalization. I have bipolar I and was in the hospital actually three separate times this summer. Each time was definitely a good thing for me (I was severely depressed).

Is there a way that you can call where you have your appointment and tell them that you're in a really bad state and you just cannot wait 2 months and that you'd like to be fit in before that. You'd be amazed at how accomodating they can be if you're persistant.

Hang in there. you're not alone.

M3,

Goody is right about the hospitalization. I came to a point where I had to, and was glad I did after even though it was so scary a choice to make.
I have been on more than a handful of med combos, but my doc did find a combo where I could be lucid and feel like me. It is possible.

It sounds like you are in a melancholia depression, the kind that is so deep you lost interest in your writing. Because of that, I feel you need to talk to somebody now, not wait the 2 months. Would you consider calling a hotline or such? And what meds have you tried already? Maybe us cyber brothers and sisters can help you identify some new combos to try.

I am just so glad you have found the boards and written.
m. m. please see someone as soon as possible.my daughter has bp,we have the highs and the lows ,but with med,s shes can even out.and work,have a family,and go to school. just stay with this board .and let us know how you are feeling.and please see a dr.we are here for you ,i,m not good at writing

MMM,

There are some things you can do while you wait, if you can summon the gumption to do them, that is. Journaling, so you won't forget how you feel now; that will be helpful when you help someone else through the fire one day. One thing that really amazes me is how I seem to forget half of everything, depending on which pole I am veering towards. When I am up, I forget exactly how hellish the depression can be. If you journal and then after a bit go back and summarize, it will help you present your issues to your care provider, also. Another thing you can do is research the free support groups that are out there, and talking to other people really is an antidote to depression, especially if you tend to isolate. And then there is always exercise. I will never forget that in one of my college classes, we read about a study that said the good feeling from exercise is similar to the good feeling from illegal drugs, but that it stays with you for a much longer time.

I started a tradition last night, and don't care that I had to do it alone. I am taking pictures of groovy Christmas light displays. I took 184 pictures between last night and tonight. On with the future, as my dad says. I know YOU are eager for your future, one where you have caring doctors etc to help you be your best. May it come quickly! I can fuzzily recall also being baffled at having to wait to get help. Please remember often that this isn't your fault. And be kind to yourself. You need to fight judging yourself, regretting things, even and most of all self-hatred. That can be your beginning of cognitive therapy, changing your thoughts. Because they really do matter and seriously hurt us when they are negative. Do the best you can, and keep us updated. I know at least that I wonder about you now in my daily wonderings. ;)

LDH's,
Blue Monday Linda