I was diagnosed with depression about 6 yrs ago but I'm thinking maybe it's bipolar. I feel a need to do things that cause drama not necisarily good drama though just to have a change in my life, just to have something going on. Like cheating on my boyfriend or just starting a fight and not really having a reason. I never mentioned anything about highs to my doctor just when I felt depressed. I love excitement but then I hate the outcome of my rash decision when I have to live with the consequences.

BP is very classic in its symptoms. To me, mania or highs, are wonderful most of the time until I make stupid decisions that pretty much have ruined my life. (My doc diag me with bp about 4 half years ago. I denied it for a long time. But somehow when I accpted it, I felt better and prepared. We started on a ton of meds and we are still trying to perfect it. Very difficult). I felt like I was on top of the world and then and always then, the "bad" comes. The lows always come after the great highs and they are my biggest enemy. Horrible and sad and low and dark and every thing bad you can associate with depression. My doc decided to prove to me that I was bp. He did this by putting me on lithium and said that if I am bp, then this will work. It did. So now I know what to deal with and my doc has my undying devotion!

My sister is an undiagnosed BP, and she will get to a place where she is looking for the fight, and it happens in cycles. She also seems addicted to the stimulation of always having drama in her life. Things that average people would get irritated at and then let go of, are almost savored by her and make up the bulk of phone conversations.

If you haven't read much on BP disorder, I would encourage you to look at some medical information as well as the experiences of people on these boards; through reading about other people, it helped to clarify for me how I do fit one of the BP profiles. I would also encourage you to look into a mood stabilizer, just to help you have a better quality of life, and especially if you need an antidepressant. BP folk need bumpers on both sides to prevent the bowling ball from veering too far in either direction. It has to be exhausting looking for the drama, and then beating yourself up over it after. You are a good person, struggling with strong impulses that are symptoms of a true illness. (Forgive me if I assume wrong, but I am assuming that you are BP. I would hope that you aren't, but if you are, it doesn't mean you can't live a terrific, successful life. Just recently we had a string about some great accomplishments of BP members, and many famous and important people in history were BP, too.)

Welcome, by the way!

Sounds like you might want to be re-diagnosed. Be sure to tell your doctor everything. Have you thought about maybe taking someone who is close to you with you? Like a parent if they are able or a spouse if you're married. Just an idea. Others are often able to see things in you that you cannot. I'd make an appointment with your doc!