I am feeling really, really, really bad about a purchase, and either need to return it, or be validated. Background:

I am not supposed to buy frivolous things because after my separation and accident, I really spent out of control while failing to cope, and since I am not working, I barely have money to fix the past spending.

I had a beautiful leopard coat that I wore back to Canada when my grandmother died (on my birthday!). Because I was carrying back mementos for me and rest of family, I couldn't carry it and left it for my cousin, hoping to create a foundation for a friendship with her. Didn't happen, and have longed for that coat for a decade. This fall, saw a leopard coat again, and bought it. But then I returned it because I needed the money to pay bills. This brings me to Friday night. I ran into the store to get cat food, and there was the perfect leopard coat, reduced 50%. I wouldn't have had money for it had my father not just lent me some emergency money. I tried so hard to walk past it, but couldn't, wasn't strong enough, in the end bought it. My mother is horribly disappointed in me, and don't want to imagine my father's disappointment, feel like such a burden and failure already.

So, should I return the coat or keep it? :confused: Is it just a small slip in a very bad year of separation and near-death car accident with drunk driver, or it is a big thing in principle? Your opinions as fellow BP sufferers would mean much to me. Thanks!

Blue Monday Linda

Good Morning, Linda and a very merry Christmas Eve:angel:

I think that your purchase was a rather impulsive decision which is a big fight for somebody who is Bipolar. Having that coat is important to you, however, when you really look at the BIG picture in a practical sense, the money that you spent on that one item would most likely go so much farther if you put it towards things that you really truly need to preserve your future happiness. The coat would only be able to be worn at certain times whereas the place that you live, you heat, telephone, food are things that you will need to sustain you. Your parents in good faith lent you money to put towards things that you need. There was an "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode I saw in which Robert's brother and sister in law Debra lend him a good amount of money because he has no money for food or rent. Well next thing Robert is going on a trip to Las Vegas!!!:D And that doesn't sit well with Raymond at all!! To Robert that trip really would make his life better as I think you feel the leopard coat will make you feel better. Nobody should tell you how to spend the money given to you, however the way in which it is spent may speak to whether somebody will be there to help you out again in the future. I am sure that your parents lent you the money to put towards something you need rather than something you want.;)

My daughter is Bipolar and the most difficult thing for her is to resist those impulsive thoughts and refraining herself from acting upon them. When you realize that it is part of the disorder and something that you must work on in order to not be left feeling bad perhaps that will help you be able to change and not give in to the impulsive thoughts that make you act in such a way. In the end it only leaves you feeling badly and terribly guilty so knowing that may allow you to not give in to those impusive thoughts in the future and instead allow you to conder up the strength to walk by that coat that you impulsivley want but do not need.

I don't know if you have a therapist, but perhaps with therapy you will be able to work on this part of the disorder that leaves you feeling badly. With Cognitive Behavioral therapy, a good therapist will assist you in being able to change a behavior that is bad but otherwise would be difficult for you to change yourself.

Also...is the coat perhaps something that you could have asked your parents for as a Christmas gift??? Or is it something that if you returned many gifts you do not want and took the money and have purchased the coat with??? That would have been a better way of getting the coat without leaving you with those bad feelings of guilt.;)

I hope that you can share with your parents how you would like to make things right between you and them again. I am sure that they know that the impulsivity is part of your disorder that often leads to trouble and your showing them that you want to change that will mean an awful lot to them. Taking the first step to do so will not only be a gift to yourself but to others who love you as well.

I see alot of posts here from you and also see how far you have come in doing all that you can do to take care of yourself and do what you must do to not allow the Bipolar to take over your life by taking your meds and realizing the things you can do to change behaviors that may not be good for you. It isn't easy and I just wanted to tell you that it is great to see that you want to do everything you can to overcome the negative parts of Bipolar. And with your attitude and strength I am confident that you will do it!!

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

I'd take it back - that way you can really feel good about yourself and the factd that you're making wise decisions - especially since it was someone else's money.

It's hard, I know.

Thanks for your opinions. My struggle is that this item wasn't so much an impulse item for me. It isn't something that I never thought of before, and being able to buy it stomped out a mental demon for me. My grandmother's death was very traumatic for me because she died on my birthday, and I was going to spend time with her in just another month. She lived in Canada, and I lived in Arizona, and didn't see her very often. So I felt so cheated. This happened the same year that I had to have a hysterectomy because my endometriosis was so bad, without having kids. So the stupid coat I used to have just symbolized all kinds of loss to me, and now also the loss of my husband and the 11 years invested in our relationship. I know this may sound pathetic, but, ack, I am only human. If I could keep the coat, I think I could finally move on from some of these old griefs; the coat would symbolize the future and a return to myself now that meds are stabilizing me and I don't feel so coo-coo for cocoa puffs!

I am keeping the coat, just in case you are a story-addict like me. What happened is this: My parents invited me along to go gambling on my dad's birthday. When I go with them, they are really generous, handing me money here and there. Astounds me, I still can't get used to it. So what I came home ahead with covers the coat, which only cost about a tank of gas.

Thanks for letting me write this out; it helped me figure out why a simple coat was a bigger thing. I really have been doing better about impulse buying, don't look at catalogs, don't go shopping, don't go on online shopping anymore, at least 90% less that is. ;) Maybe my babbling will help someone else feel less alone in their struggles, or help them identify this symptom in themselves. I dunno. Just, well, thanks! :D

Blauermonday, thanks for posting this. I can really relate to your feelings about the impulsive shopping. Just spending and buying things that are not needed. I have done that so much and have NO money because of it. I am trying to stop this behavior because I need to have enough money to afford meds (I'm taking lamictal and abilify now which is a lot $$$ unfortunately).

I'm not sure if this is quite similar to your situation or not, but I sort of did the same thing as you only with a ring. It was impulsive and expensive. I thought I would wear it and it would be like a new start for me (I was hypomanic and just came out of a LONG depression but was getting treatment and wanted to be commited to it). Honestly, I don't even wear the ring anymore and I think I may have lost it. Bad I know. I lose everything though I get so distracted. I don't know if this will happen to you with your coat, but I just wanted to share with you my story.

The important thing is that you are committed to a healthier and happier you. The coat is just a "thing" and it is the commitment and the idea behind it that matters more. That is an important and great step to take and quite an achievement!

Hey Blaurmonday
I can totally relate. A few years ago, I was still in college in fact, I had just lost a job that was $15 an hour and almost full time and had hence not needed to take extra loans to live in the dorms so I got my own place and spent a lot in decorating it trying to feel like an adult. I like to shop sales and even no matter what I bought I always new how much I can spend a month. Until I was made redundant then the credit card bill came but I could not change my habits. After I went manic, redecorated the whole place and got a new wardrobe you name it. Needless to say a few years later I had to claim bankruptcy. I owed $40K. now I cant get anything and since then have had a job a few months here and there but cant seem to keep one. I dont know why. I think I am off in la la land about stuff I want and cant focus on the job. Maybe thats it. I dont know.
I would say and that is only my opinion from what I went through and still am, that you should return it and wait until you can afford it. It may seem like a decade until then but later I hope - you will thank yourself. I wish I never got all the stuff I wasted by being bankrupt as I have none of it now, and I am still broke and nothing can be done!
I hope that helps, so good luck. But only you can decide. If you really must have it , soundsl like you do and everyone is mad at you. That is a downside of BP everyone gets mad at you when in your head you know you need whatever it is. BP just makes you think you need it, thats how I had to come to terms with bankruptcy. But If I had money what do you think I would do save or spend? well I would get what I need or what I think I need but it has been so long I think I would spend a lot but this time no credit so it would be as much cash as I had so long as bills were paid. (Ok, I got to get a job first!)
well I hope you can recover soon, that doesnt sound too fun but for someone who may be home alot like me, sometimes shopping is our only retail therapy. And it works. But I do think while you still can, to return it even though it will hurt. Relationships are more important than things.

Good luck :)

Leomia

Just had to add this: :D I have been wrapping loose change to take to the bank and also have a one-day job at an auto show through my temp agency, and both more than pay for the silly coat. So I am getting 92 bananas instead of 1 this time, and am just plain thankful. Hope all of you are well, and thanks for "talking" with me, it gets so lonely. Happy New Year, may it be a better one for us all! :wave:

I think you're putting way too much emotion into this coat, when you should be trying to deal realistically. I think you need to learn some useful coping strategies instead of putting it all into this coat. After all the coat isn't going to help you deal once those feelings return, and most likely they'll return.

With that being said, I see that it wasn't an impulsive buy and you're making some money now so if you want to keep the coat, keep it. I know the feeling when someone is disappointed in you though. It sucks. But in a week or so, so much grief over this coat will seem silly. I definately know that feeling. I spent $100 on makeup when I didn't have the money and my mom was absolutely disappointed in me and I felt awful. I remember the feeling but I doubt she even remembers how she made me feel about it.

Thank you everyone, so much, for your opinions and related stories! :wave:

I am taking my meds, seeing a talk therapist, going to support groups, and practicing recovery and cognitive therapies. I am reading and educating myself, posting here, and doing crafts to practice focus and experience some pleasure with my days. I am trying to get work in a tough market where I have to compete with people from outside our borders. I am healing from exacerbating emotional traumas. I am trying to eat better, exercise, and regulate sleep. But sometimes doing all the things we should do isn't enough. And sometimes you want to hear what your PEERS have to say, like comfort from friends. You all can relate instead of just preach, you are down in the trenches with me. I am sure you know what I mean. To understand what it really is like to be BP, you have to be BP.

Perhaps it all seems out of proportion, so much angst over one purchase, but it seems to relate back to my zodiac sign and how my possessions are most often symbolic or commemorative. I don't like to collect things because of their dollar or investment value; I buy them for the pleasure they give me or what they are to remind me of.

I am working on my pain journal for my car accident, and looking back over the past year, I have to pat myself on the back a little. Of course I had my slip ups, but on the whole I have done very well getting through some tough times and events-what in essence is a divorce (legal separation asked for by him), car accident at high speeds with drunk driver (lucky I got out of situation alive), and health issues (BP, fibromyalgia, injuries from accident). I am just thankful to be alive and lucid, and grateful that I have things to be thankful for.