Short of going to see a professional and paying out $120 an hour to spew this, I thought I would let it go here. There is no need to respond, I just need to let some of this go and get on with my day, week, month, year and life…

Three years has brought great change to my life.
I took a new job
Moved out of state
Built a big home
Moved my father in law in to live with us
Blended 3 house holds
Learned about life with Alzheimer’s
Buried my step son
Got married
Got pregnant
Alzheimer’s dad runs away from home
Taught my oldest to drive
Gave birth of a beautiful baby boy
Day in and day out with new baby
Day in and day out with teen-agers
Day in and day out with Alzheimer’s
Teenage son gets license
Broken curfews
Teenage son gets first job
Baby has seizures
Baby in hospital
Alzheimer’s dad runs away from home
Baby diagnosed with Epilepsy
Learn about life with E
Teenage daughter arrested for shoplifting
Learn about legal system for shoplifters
Alzheimer’s dad runs away from home again
Learn about life with meds and E
Teenage son joins Army
Baby in hospital
Teenage daughter leaves for her fathers

The day in and day out is killing me. I commute 10 hours a week, work full time and take care of house hold of 6 including a baby with E and a FIL with A. I’m the lady in the grocery store with 2 carts and all those coupons http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

We have had court dates for the driver of the car in which my stepson was killed. These dates have been postponed and rescheduled and changed then changed some more. The most current is June 30, 03. We will not be able to attend because of our current situation. There is constant war waged between my stepson’s mother and my husband as to why we can no longer make arrangements to attend. My husband left the workforce to care for his father in 00 so she sees him as a person who can pick up and go whenever the mood strikes him. She does not realize that for him to attend I will have to take a week off work without pay to stay at home attend to Dad and Jake. I wouldn’t mind to stay at the house and care for my guys, but then who pays the mortgage, the med bills, and buys the groceries (trust me 2 carts of food – half a weeks wages). We love Brandon and have not forgotten this young man. He lives on in our hearts and minds each day. He shares a birthday with Jake!

Dad’s fallen and is now bedridden; he’s been down for the past 2 weeks. In some regards this makes life easier for us, he can’t wonder off if Jake is seizing which has been an issue. But, it also makes me sad to see that our lives can end that way. We don’t plan to place him in a home as many of our family and friends have suggested. It may be easier, but would it really. I am a firm believer that a great deal of our nations problems stem from not caring for ones family, not teaching to our children the responsibility that loved ones bring in both good times and trials. Besides he loves Jake and Jake loves him. Funny, but there are days when the only person Dad recognizes is Jacob, and there have been heavy seizure days when the only person Jake will smile for is his Grandpa….

Steve will be back for basics soon and Jenny will return from her fathers and life will assume a more normal rhythm again. My family will get over the fact that I can’t take time off to spend with my sister, they may never understand – but they will get over it.

I am toying with the idea of finding a job closer to home, but concerned about insurance changes right now with Jake. Something to knock around when I’m stuck in traffic. I have taken myself out the running for the new manager’s position at work, good idea. I don’t need more over time or added responsibility.

OK, I feel better. Sorry folks, but I guess you don’t have to be on Keppra to get the Blues – Black and Blues at that http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Depression, what a dark ugly thing to deal with – with or without E. Thanks everyone, maybe now I can meet that report deadline staring me in the face!! And I've save myself $120 in therapy http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif!

Love and Light
Lisa

Lisa,

I and everyone I meet always has considered me a very strong woman. I can take on things that would have driven the average person to the padded room at the hospital. I am a strong woman but I have to tell you this.....I am a certified WIMP in comparison to you!

After reading your post my heart went out to you and I am finding myself wishing there was something I could do for you. I can't do much but hoping that maybe this post of mine could help you in some strange way. I doubt it but it is worth a try.

You do so much each day and your commitment, devotion, and love are everything to so many people. I admire you and understand that you need a break for a few minutes and much needed time to vent. I feel very privlaged(sp?) that you chose this board (us) to trust with this. You are a remarkable woman Lisa!! Tell yourself that each day. If the only time you have to think instead of react is when you are stuck in traffic then tell yourself how great you are then. You may feel that this is just the average life but let me tell you something, YOU are above average. I am putting your name into the committie who votes for Saint-hood! :wink:

All kidding aside, you are a remarkable person Lisa!
I admire you!

God Bless you and your family,

KittyMom

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Mother of 3 beautiful kids and wife to a Great husband! I love helping others...it helps me grow!

Hi Ladies,

Sandy, my heart goes out to you. To lose a child is the hardest thing a parent can ever go through. You've put together a beautiful web page in Jenny's memory. My dd is a Jenny and was dxed with ADD in March 00.

Have you ever thought about doing web design professionally? I have tried and tried but, never been able to master my own home page. I would die to be able and put something together like that.

You're right in the fact that it helps to put it all down in black and white. So many days I look at myself and think; what do I have to show for my time over the past 6 weeks or so and I get to feeling down because what I've done is not a tangible. There is no finished product, there are no kick off meetings, no bonus tied to it... things that I'm use to in the business world.

Then I have to remind myself that I have attended to family. My baby is growing and other then E is strong, healthy and happy. My oldest son has decided to join the Army, go to college and become a police officer. My dd, after years of ADD struggle in school will be starting HS in 3 college honors classes. For the most part she's stays out of trouble (shoplifting was a "I need more time with my Mom" ploy).

Finished products: 3 children all on the path to adulthood (some closer then others), besides they are not produces at all, they are people - and if I do my job right they will never be "finished", they will continue to grow and change - forever in the making.

Kick off meetings: We meet around the coffee table to kick off the weekend, we meet in the middle of Mommy and Daddy's bed and "kick off" the sheets once a week on laundry day, we meet in the car on our way to beach and kick off our shoes to wade in the tide.

Bonus': Wet baby kisses after a long day at work and an hour in traffic, watching Jake watch the butterflies out the kitchen window during breakfast, a call from my son on Fathers day to wish me a happy one (his dad isn't much of a father), being able to help dds yearbook staff on a rainy afternoon and then seeing the pages we worked on months latter in print. A beautiful home and a more then loving husband.

Maybe girls a big part of my problem right now is the business world! I use to love it, I thrived on the deadlines, long hours and SEC reporting dates (I know I'm a bit weird). Now it all leaves me empty... I don't feel that I'm contributing anything to better my world or those around me.

I want to help people, I want to change fields. BUT - I do NOT want to take time away from my own family to return to school. I want to hit the Lotto tonight so I can volunteer at Children’s Hospital, to rock babies on the neuro ward so their parents can have a hot meal, a shower and a good nights sleep. So I'm praying for those winning Lotto numbers http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

Kitty thanks for your vote, but there are so many more worthy then myself. And girl you are not a Wimp. You roll up your sleeves and get dirty in life. You have to play the hand life deals you or fold. Life just dealt me a full house on this hand. It will not always be this way!

There are 2 types of women, wild flowers and hot house flowers. Wild flowers do not need much for them to be happy in life. They bend with the wind you can move them around and they put down roots and thrive. Hot house flowers on the other hand have to be pampered, they have to get just the right light and don't upset them, they wither easily and often give in to life’s challenges.

I think the 3 of us are Wild Flowers. Thanks for making my day better and helping me put life back into perspective.

Hugs all round

L

Who knows could be all those Capricorn children I live round that gives me strength!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

wow, so much information on this thread. but the last piece about the wild flowers and the hot house flowers- that was so well written. I always thought i was a wall flower, lol until I had my twin girls. thanks for sharing, it does help to write, put it down, it helps u think.
i did look at your web page for your daughter jennifer. wow, thank you for sharing.
i am sorry life is so hard for you right now. i always like to say,when it gets so rough, " this too shall pass" .

Everything changes! Life is what you make of it! I believe that Lisa, you are as "worthy" as they come. You do make a difference everyday! Look at your son for instance; he is smiling each day because your love helps him grow. You nurture and love him and you may not see the tiny changes you make each day but if you add them up you will see a significant(sp)difference.

I know I am strong. I see some people "fold" but I am not willing to give in so easy. I think that if you give it your all you will win in the end. The destination is great but the journey shouldn't be missed. That is the part that helps you grow. The journey is what I enjoy. I get my hands dirty all the time. I did today! I am at a very low part in my life right now but I am not loosing focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. To find the point of light and bring it closer each day. I need a wake up call every now and then but I still keep pluging along. Raising a family, working, and the day to day stuff is very hard when you have "E". I have never had the focus on me...I always try to give the spot light to someone else. I do what I do out of love and the gain and prosparity of others. What I get in return is satisfaction of a job well done. "E" is not stopping me, it is just another weight (HEAVY) to carry. The "wind in the field" is no stranger to me.

Carry on!! You are doing a fabulace job! Look into the eyes of your baby boy and there you will find your "making a difference". He is living breathing proof that you make a difference!

God Bless you! I admire you!!

KittyMom

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Mother of 3 beautiful kids and wife to a Great husband! I love helping others...it helps me grow!