happy xmas every1-how ironic.

this year-on the outside would seem to be a great xmas. once again im really lucky, i got a laptop!!!! but why cant i feel happy.

i got uber depressed on xmas eve, almost cut alot, but i didnt cos id feel too guilty on xmas eve. i didnt sleep. when we got up i wasnt bothered about doing much, id have been happy to go back to bed till new years day. by nature im definatley not the scrooge at xmas-i do enjoy it. but after 4 long years of depression-it kinda wears off.

i feel so ungrateful. i got a laptop this year which i love-but in the grander scale of it all-im not fixed and everything is still pointless. in feb me and my family are going to paris for the weekend-but i dont want to go. in fact the thought of it makes me want to cry, it takes so much energy to be around people all that time, show so much interest and enthusiasm when i have not an ounce of exitement in me-is that ungrateful. i appreciate how much it cost. i realise many dont have this chance especially at 18-but im so far down i just dont care. i want to be alone sometimes just.

then in july for our summer hols-i wasnt supposed to be going but then my parents booked the trip of a life time and got annoyed i didnt want to go. i said it nicley- that its so expensive, ill be too old and stuff and who knows were ill be in 6 months or so-but they won me over as my mum got a bit upset i didnt wanna go with them.it lasts 3 ****in weeks and 2 days-how the hell am i gonna survive. it sounds great-its a travel around america! like LA, las vegas, the grand canyon and stuff-but i feel like spending the summer in a hole in the dark-i cant keep up anymore. again i feel so ungrateful, im so lucky to have this on offer, but material things make no dent in anything, they dont erase anything.

im so lonely.i feel in a dream again. im in the phase were i havent cut in 3 weeks, cos for some reason i dont feel the need to right now-im no less depressed its just i dont think i could face cutting right now. instead i smoke now. my dad would be furious and so disappointed if he knew. but i dont care-it helps. i see my doc next week. but im so lonely i want to book an app this week. i feel like im about to just stop, conk out or something., i have 4 essays and 2 exams due in the next 2 weeks and ive done nothing-not even read the books!my parents decinded i have to go back to work in a few weeks-that ive been lazy for stopping(they dont know i totally quit) the week before xmas-so that just brought an avanlanche of frustration and dispair. ive done nothing but eat crap all week, i sleep alot, i just got drunk on sat night and spent the next day in complete dispair, then i just go out to be alone, walk about aimlessly for hours and have a smoke. everythings so empty.

tomorrow im gonna maybe go down and sit outside my docs surgury on the curb and have a smoke for a lot of the day, its down a nice quiet little street with trees and stuff i like it-it makes me feel not so alone, cos i know the woman is just in the building, gives me something to do and stuff. is this sad??? im praying she wont see me just sitting there ill feel like a right idiot, but i just want to see her face, even if shes just driving in and out-i just want to know she is there, even to look at her, i miss talking to her. what do you think will happen if she catches me-would i appear nuts or weird-i feel weird.please help im so fed up-sorry to depress everyone at xmas time. xox

Pucca, I don't think that you are being ungrateful. The reason that you don't want to go on the holidays has to do with your ability to cope. If you need to see your doc this is okay. You really do sound better now. If someone pulled up all of your postings for the whole year they could see a difference. During the early summer I couldn't even read your posts because they were so chaotic. What is the latest info on the psychiatrists? Can't wait until you can start counseling. I think that your living this double life contributes to your distress (trying to pretend that everything is okay in front of your parents).

hey sannah thanks-hope you had a great xmas.

well i very nearly cut again-but didnt. it was soo stupid-cos i smudged my nail polish and lost my keys for work.

you really think im getting better?? its nice to hear-i just wish i felt it. i feel more numb now, but to the point were its almost equal to the severe depression-nothing has meaning, i just dont care at all and im trapped in me and my memories of stuff seems to be evaproating. i spend the day waiting for night and the night waiting for day, i want the day to end, when i wake up in the morning i wish it would hurry up-it moves so slow and im too empty to fill it. thats why i walk about aimlessly for hours, round the streets in circles sometimes, i dont even see where im gong, a stampede of elephants could pass me and i wouldnt look up, i just look at the floor and have a smoke.

im tired-what if im unable to be fixed. the psyhs havent even sent me a letter yet. i feel really deserted. i know my doc wouldnt want me to feel this way-but i feel weak for giving in and having to go back-like im admiting defeat and that i cant handle it alone.i found the hospital that my sessions will be at, its big and i feel small.i dont know the department-i was too afraid to ask incase i had to explain to the receptionist. its gonna cos t me and arm and a leg to get there though cos its far away, it invloves buses and stuff tht are expensive for me.

i tried to go out this week more. met up with some freinds-one of which continusouly pisses me off and just ignores me-she lives in a stupid happy bubble world-how nice. then i went out and got really bored, so i drank but never got the high so i just smoked alot, everything just slowed and the next day i felt like ****.

im afriad to go to my GP again-cos i know she can do nothing else for me-she'll wonder what the hell im back for whining again. i have to learn to stand on my own two feet. should i go back to her, i need some stuff off her anyway. xox

Hi pucca chick.

I feel down all the time too, nothing gets me excited, other people get excited around me and I stand there thinking why cant I get excited, not sure why, My temper is short especially with my wife, I dont hit her or anything just have temper tantrums and feel guity straight after, but I cant help it. I have no friends, i never get noticed, Ill be the last person to get noticed, dont know why but it always happens. My problems lie within my lifestyle I think, I am a manager and always under stress, the other managers who have only been there a short while dont want me there, I hate going to work, but i have to support my kids and wife. Sex, its important to me, my wife doesn't like it and we never have it, I get frustrated. My wife and kids are always shouting at each other, I dont, cant see the point, but it stresses me. My brother is not well (mentally) and always talks abot the 1980s, I have only my mother and a few years back she was alcholic, although she has stopped, this has made me happy. My wife buys off **** and my house is getting junked up (really bad), I cant cope with loads of junk.
Nothing makes me happy apart from my 2 kids and mother, Im not happy with my wife but still love her loads. I am one confused man. Its very hard for me and I am trying my hardest to overcome my problems, its hard :(

Im rarely happy, same as you, you are not alone :)

ps i forgot to mention i went fro 15stone to 19stone in 1 year, i slept all the time, no motivation. i have stared going to the gym and lost 2stone, im trying hard but its tough.

Pucca, of course you can be fixed! You could go talk to your doc and tell her how you feel. Remember, she offered this to you. She said that she would listen to you. You cannot stand on your own two feet yet because you haven't received any therapy yet. Sounds like you are only living in the future. Do you think that you could try to live in the present? Try to figure out how you can be in the present and feel comfortable there?

Dave, hi, sounds like you could benefit from some counseling also. Maybe you don't get noticed because you try not to stand out. Sounds like your wife could go to counseling also. She and the children should not be shouting at each other all of the time. Sounds like she might have a shopping addiction. A sexless marriage is not good and neither is your anger. These are all problems that can be worked on. Don't do nothing and continue to suffer needlessly.

I think your right, I need something, I cant carry on the way I am. She and my daughter have gone shopping again, she left for the sale at 4.30am and probably won't get back till about 6pm :rolleyes:
Im here decorating and tidying :dizzy:

Hi. Just wanted to let you know that I agree with Sannah's first reply to you. I have only been reading this a couple of months and yes, you do seem to be doing well. You said you haven't cut in awhile, wonderfull!! Now thats really good news and something you should be proud of. You are taking control! I wish words of encouragement and hugs from everyone helps. Remember, I'm the mother of a 15 year old daughter going through bouts of depression. She is doing better, will need to see what happens when school resumes. I pray all is going to go well for her and you. You are lucky to have parents who are wanting to do so much for you. Have you told them how you have been feeling; are the communication walls open for you and them? I think that is important, knowing you can talk with your family, the ones who love you and support you unconditionally. (I hope that's the case).
And as for counseling/therapy, what's wrong with that!? It has done wonders for our family and millions of people, and there's nothing to be ashamed about in going. Doesn't everyone seek some type of theraphy in a round about way? Keeping you in mind, take care.