Lanugo
12-26-2006, 07:56 PM
When I was around nine I was obsessively tidy and would know if anyone had been in my room-if even the slightest thing had been moved. I had to colour code my coathangers - red for school uniform and grey for after school clothes, and I chose to wear school uniform even though I didn't have to (crazy child)! I would cry at school if I was asked to do anything hard. I would miss out lines while I was reading because I was getting so stressed. I was scared to do anything new because I had (still have) the greatest fear of making a fool of myself. If I moved one leg I felt I had to move the other leg to "make it even" and I thought that I had special powers and that if my body was opened up it would be somehow different inside.
My early teens were a nightmare but I can't really decipher between the ordinary problems and the purely mental problems. By the time I was fourteen I'd identified that my moods ran in cycles going from the really upbeat productive times to the downright depressed and so on. Then when I was 16 I messed up in a big way. I went to the U.S. for a few months and ended up having a secret relationship with my 1st cousin - which was illegal (not in the U.K. though). When I came home I missed him and was devastated but my normal sadness turned into absolute hatred for myself thinking that I was sexually deviant, I blamed my sexual organs and wanted to cut them out. I drank so much and basically abused myself like I thought I deserved. I had bouts of depression until I was in my early twenties. Then I became obsessed with Sociology and got all psychotic :blob_fire - I just think of my poor ex-boyfriend when I think about that time-he must've loved me poor bloke!
Now I'm at the point where I'm trying to get seen by doctors in the mental health field and am waiting impatiently for my referral to come. I've tried antidepressants but they make me manic - especially citrophralm (spelling?), and this scares me and gives me strange thoughts and paranoia. I just need some proper help!!!
Sorry if this post is depressing but I'm currently really depressed!
I also worry for other people like me who can't afford help - people without healthcare in the US and people, like me, who have to rely on the national health service. At least I can afford to have the internet - I count it as a blessing.
What else can I do?!
SJ x
My early teens were a nightmare but I can't really decipher between the ordinary problems and the purely mental problems. By the time I was fourteen I'd identified that my moods ran in cycles going from the really upbeat productive times to the downright depressed and so on. Then when I was 16 I messed up in a big way. I went to the U.S. for a few months and ended up having a secret relationship with my 1st cousin - which was illegal (not in the U.K. though). When I came home I missed him and was devastated but my normal sadness turned into absolute hatred for myself thinking that I was sexually deviant, I blamed my sexual organs and wanted to cut them out. I drank so much and basically abused myself like I thought I deserved. I had bouts of depression until I was in my early twenties. Then I became obsessed with Sociology and got all psychotic :blob_fire - I just think of my poor ex-boyfriend when I think about that time-he must've loved me poor bloke!
Now I'm at the point where I'm trying to get seen by doctors in the mental health field and am waiting impatiently for my referral to come. I've tried antidepressants but they make me manic - especially citrophralm (spelling?), and this scares me and gives me strange thoughts and paranoia. I just need some proper help!!!
Sorry if this post is depressing but I'm currently really depressed!
I also worry for other people like me who can't afford help - people without healthcare in the US and people, like me, who have to rely on the national health service. At least I can afford to have the internet - I count it as a blessing.
What else can I do?!
SJ x
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Sannah
12-26-2006, 08:08 PM
Lanugo, can you see your regular doctor while you are waiting to be seen by a psychiatrist? Has anyone every entertained the idea that you might be bipolar?
Lanugo
12-26-2006, 08:21 PM
I've been fearful of doctors for a long time and don't trust them. I feel BP may be the case but can't start presuming these things as I am not a professional. I stay in the house a lot at the moment (when I'm not working my two jobs!) 'cause its my safe place. Last time I saw the doctor she prescribed the fun but useless Diazepam after my throat closed up and I couldn't breathe with anxiety. I feel like I'm on the outside of all the help I need and I can't get at it. My husband can't take much more of my problems.
Thanks for the reply!
SJ x
Thanks for the reply!
SJ x
ladyjo
01-03-2007, 05:21 PM
Hi Lanugo, Well you have really been through it most of your life havn't you.
I suffered from a compulsive disorder in my teens and up to my twenties after loosing my dad. I had to touch things a couple of times before letting go, like you straighten things to the extreme, I would choose the same colour pegs when pegging washing out and become really anxious if I tried not too. I seemed to have moved on from that, however, do get the occassional moment! I am now more pre-occupied on negative thoughts about reality etc, but just about coping, not easy though. I have posted on this board too, "can't remember the title, questioning reality, the past feels unreal". I seem to be able to relate to lots of symptoms of anxiety/depression/loss etc.. I am also on Citalopram but it has helped me, I think!!! You seem to recognise what you have been going through. I think there are underlying thoughts which are causing you these unpleasant symptoms and I don't think you are beyond help. You have come a really long way and that takes lots of courage to get through. Keep your chin up. I am also waiting to have some clinical psychology help. The waiting is the worst part, but keep posting I am sure that will help. Take care. xxx
I suffered from a compulsive disorder in my teens and up to my twenties after loosing my dad. I had to touch things a couple of times before letting go, like you straighten things to the extreme, I would choose the same colour pegs when pegging washing out and become really anxious if I tried not too. I seemed to have moved on from that, however, do get the occassional moment! I am now more pre-occupied on negative thoughts about reality etc, but just about coping, not easy though. I have posted on this board too, "can't remember the title, questioning reality, the past feels unreal". I seem to be able to relate to lots of symptoms of anxiety/depression/loss etc.. I am also on Citalopram but it has helped me, I think!!! You seem to recognise what you have been going through. I think there are underlying thoughts which are causing you these unpleasant symptoms and I don't think you are beyond help. You have come a really long way and that takes lots of courage to get through. Keep your chin up. I am also waiting to have some clinical psychology help. The waiting is the worst part, but keep posting I am sure that will help. Take care. xxx
rosequartz
01-03-2007, 06:51 PM
you have OCD.....
check out the OCD board
check out the OCD board
rosequartz
01-03-2007, 06:52 PM
you have OCD.....
check out the OCD board
check out the OCD board