Hi everyone, Im feeling ashamed of myself at the moment, Please read my post and let me know what you think.

I am 36 yrs old, I ahve been happily married for 16 years. I also have 2 young children who I love. I want to mention that I rarely sx with my wife as she doesn't like it. Me on the other hand is randy all the time, now for the last year or so I have been confused. I have been on swinging sites and looked at the adverts, now the easiest way to have sex is to have it with men, I probably could have sex a dozen times a day with men, I went to the swinging site looking to meet a woman to have sex with, but women are ver rare unless they are in couples, and most couples want other couples. To cut a long story short I have received 3 blo jobs off men, I also gave a blo job to one man, but not for long as I didnt like it and there was no semen that entred my mouth I never wore a condom, my penis has no cuts and looks healthy, I have no scratching spots or nothing. I enjoyed them BTW. The other day I was walking home and popped into a gay bar out of curosity and I was also drunk. I got talking to this lesbian who was nice, and a man joined us, had a chat with him and he told me to be careful etc., Now I ended up french kissing him on two occasions, not for ages but for a little time, and now I feel guilty, I have felt guilty for a while now but my penis gets the better of me, Im pretty submissive. Im worried cause I get problems with my gums, not bleeding but they ache, I also have little cuts on either side of my mouth which I think is down to the lack of vit c and zinc.
Now I am worried that I might have got the HIV virus because of my cuts, probably paranoid, but it has scared me big time. I love my family and want to keep it that way, any advice for me and what are the risks of what i have done.

Feel so ashamed!

I forgot to mention that I have an appointment on Jan 15th at a GUM clinic. The blo job I gave was a long time ago, probably 9 months.

Well, two things come to mind: first, you need to get a better handle on your own sexuality before you venture into these very dangerous territories. I cannot answer the moral and ethical issues these liaisons may have for you. I can tell you that it would not be impossible to continue along this path and become more involved in riskier behavior. Whatever you choose, you need to practicing safe sex, protected sex at all time, otherwise, what you claim to love, you will eventually lose.

Secondly, you cannot get HIV through deep kissing. OK? chris

Thanks for replying so quick :)

your right i need to decide my sexuality and i have decided im sticking with my family and dumping my past, i know if i carry on then as you rightly said my family will be gone, i can assure you i dont want that. My tests are on the 15th so hopefully all will be well and i can carry on as normal, i will take your word about the kissing.

I think that you should feel very guilty and ashamed.1st of all you are putting your wife in danger. There are too many women contracting HIV from their husbands that have had homosexual relationships on the side. Do you want to become another statistic? I suggest if you want to continue this secret lifestyle that you let your wife go. Or either you too need some consuling & prayer. Why is it that she doesn't want to have sex?

I think men that are bi-sexual should let thier partners know so that their partners can have a choice weather they want to continue the relationship. Because the risk of HIV is really high with those kind of relationships. And not letting the other party know is being selfish and decietful. What you reap you sow. Godbless.

I think that you should feel very guilty and ashamed.1st of all you are putting your wife in danger. There are too many women contracting HIV from their husbands that have had homosexual relationships on the side. Do you want to become another statistic? I suggest if you want to continue this secret lifestyle that you let your wife go. Or either you too need some consuling & prayer. Why is it that she doesn't want to have sex?

I think men that are bi-sexual should let thier partners know so that their partners can have a choice weather they want to continue the relationship. Because the risk of HIV is really high with those kind of relationships. And not letting the other party know is being selfish and decietful. What you reap you sow. Godbless.

A tad judgemental?

To the OP: I am big advocate for getting tested for peace of mind if you can't accept that something is low risk or no risk. I hope that helps a little, at least. Many blessings to you.

Really this is for tmomma: I guess I understand how you feel, but I think that one of the wonders of HealthBoards is that we try to meet the poster where they are and not negatively or adversly judge their situations using what we propose to the 'better way to live'. I suspect that the original poster already has twinges of guilt and that he expressed those in his response to my post.

We don't always reap what we sow. Sometimes, bad things just happen. Sometimes, we have no control over those bad things - a family is driving down the road and someone runs a stop sign and kills almost all of them. Whoe reaped? And who sowed?

While it seems to be your position that heterosexual women become infected because of bisexual men who have had homosexual relationships, it is more evident that heterosexual women and men become infected by partners who simply do not know their status. It would be much too easyr to blame HIV on gay lifestyles, but, c'mon, that position shifted back in the 90s. chris

Yes, I understand completely where you all are coming from and let me apoligize. But I am just speaking from recent statistics especially for the African American Female....I to think it is important to get tested....and anyone with concerns and worries should have enough common sense to do so. But it is my opinion only that he should feel bad thus see the error in his way and change instead of just consoling him. I sympathize and empathize.

I think that you should feel very guilty and ashamed.1st of all you are putting your wife in danger. There are too many women contracting HIV from their husbands that have had homosexual relationships on the side. Do you want to become another statistic? I suggest if you want to continue this secret lifestyle that you let your wife go. Or either you too need some consuling & prayer. Why is it that she doesn't want to have sex?

I think men that are bi-sexual should let thier partners know so that their partners can have a choice weather they want to continue the relationship. Because the risk of HIV is really high with those kind of relationships. And not letting the other party know is being selfish and decietful. What you reap you sow. Godbless.

I am not insulted by your post as what you say is true, but what I can tell you is that I havent had sex with my wife for 4 years, maybe more, she may masturbate me but as to sex she finds it very painful. I can assure you i will not have sex until my tests come back negative. not all women like sex :(

A tad judgemental?

To the OP: I am big advocate for getting tested for peace of mind if you can't accept that something is low risk or no risk. I hope that helps a little, at least. Many blessings to you.

Thank you

TBH if my wife gave me sex, I probably wouldn't be in this situation, if you know what I mean. :)

Although im being tested jan 15th, it leaves two encounters open, receiving oral probably end of november and the kiss on 22nd dec, now i take it i cant get hiv from kissing, should i put the testing back till feburary as this will be the 3 months, or is receiving oral no risk?

Receptive oral is considered a no-risk encounter by the CDC. You are in a very tenuous position here and while I disagree with tmomma in part, I also have to agree with her in part. Your sexuality is interfering with the vows you made. I know that people step out of those vows all the time and, while I understand it, I can't apologize for it. If you were single this conversation would be entirely different. But, unfortunately, you are not and this creates a huge quandry for you.

We are here to help you with questions related to health issues. But mental and spiritual health is such a big part of physical well-being that it cannot be over-looked. Aside from where your sexual passions lie this is what I find most distrubing: you suggest that, if your wife gave you sex, then you wouldn't be having sexual activities (these are not relationships) with men. ANd I am here to suggest that you are having sexual activities with men because there is a part of you that is bi-curious. While you wrestle with this problem remember that the outcomes affect your entire family.

I am also concerned about your statement that sex causes her pain. (I can't scroll back to see the exact quote.) But, if sex is that uncomfortable for her, then you and she need to find out why and begin to seek medical to help with this situation or marriage/family counseling to help with your own feelings. PLease understand that I speak to you from experience and I speak to you out of love. However, as difficult as it has been, I did make a vow to my wife to "forsake all others" and having done that (even though I sometimes think about it and sometimes look at some guy on the street) I am really a better person because of it. chris

Receptive oral is considered a no-risk encounter by the CDC. You are in a very tenuous position here and while I disagree with tmomma in part, I also have to agree with her in part. Your sexuality is interfering with the vows you made. I know that people step out of those vows all the time and, while I understand it, I can't apologize for it. If you were single this conversation would be entirely different. But, unfortunately, you are not and this creates a huge quandry for you.

We are here to help you with questions related to health issues. But mental and spiritual health is such a big part of physical well-being that it cannot be over-looked. Aside from where your sexual passions lie this is what I find most distrubing: you suggest that, if your wife gave you sex, then you wouldn't be having sexual activities (these are not relationships) with men. ANd I am here to suggest that you are having sexual activities with men because there is a part of you that is bi-curious. While you wrestle with this problem remember that the outcomes affect your entire family.

I am also concerned about your statement that sex causes her pain. (I can't scroll back to see the exact quote.) But, if sex is that uncomfortable for her, then you and she need to find out why and begin to seek medical to help with this situation or marriage/family counseling to help with your own feelings. PLease understand that I speak to you from experience and I speak to you out of love. However, as difficult as it has been, I did make a vow to my wife to "forsake all others" and having done that (even though I sometimes think about it and sometimes look at some guy on the street) I am really a better person because of it. chris

I think you misunderstood me, what i was saying is that if I had regular sex with my wife then I wouldnt have been looking at those swinging sites in the first place, Im not blaming my wife on that issue however I wouldnt have got into this mess in the first place, now I am angry with myself for letting things get this far, sex does cause her pain, nothing we can do about that, its always been the case, over 19 years, met her when she was 16.
I really am not bi curious, just desperate for some kind of sex, I know it sounds odd. Perhaps I should get some sort of help for the both of us, but i do need the sex side of it, perhaps I should consider seperating because I cant spend my entire life without sex, I do not want this, Ill bide my time over the coming year, will not get into any more disgusting behaviour and decide :(

Thanks for replying

Then is it sex with men because it's easier to get? I sometimes think that men have sex with men outside of marriage because it isn't "cheating" in the same way that having an affair with a woman is "cheating". I mean, you meet some guy in a chat room, park, or adult book store then you get off, zip up, and go home to the wife and kids. You can't do that with a woman unless you purchase the sex at which point sex with a woman becomes an adulterous affair. Remember when Clinton thought that oral sex was not sex?

It really does pose a variety of moral and ethical questions for you. However, the big one is this: is sex so important to you that you would break up your family because you couldn't get it inside your marriage? And, twenty-five years from now, when sex may not be as important to you as it is right now, how will you look back on this situation? And, of course, back to your original reason for posting: is sex so important to that you are willing to contract HIV and transmit it to someone else. And then, of course, aside from the sex part, do you love your wife? chris

I know this is a hiv site, but i will never understand why men have sex with men and they're married if they are not really gay. I'm a women and i stayed celabit five years before. I don't think to have sex with women. I myself would never stay with a guy that sleeps :wave: :wave: with men. And saying your wife don't have sex with you thats the reason you have it with men thats a cop-out. You have sex with men, because thats who you're and just convinced your self other wise, get honest with your self. If you not happy leave, because your hurting your self and you do deserve the best.:wave: :wave: :wave:

Dave I think you and your wife should maybe see someone that can give you other alternatives to sex/pleasure and discuss your issues with her instead of doing these things behind her back. Maybe you and her can compromise in some way....If you say you love her and your family, then don't hurt her/them. You "say" you're not bi/gay so this risky behavior is not the way to go. Go get yourself checked out/tested and start off fresh. (If you can) Try to resolve the issues at home. If you can't live that way then you know what you have to do. (Seperate/divorce) With Love T.

Maybe your wife has IC...see the Urology posts.

Maybe your wife has IC...see the Urology posts.

ok will check them out.

Hey everyone thanks for all your advice, could have gone further into the world of men on men, coming here has made a difference, I will go for my tests, will come back and let you know how I get on, Ill be browsing in the meantime to see if I can help :)
I have alot to think about and it's not easy, nothing is easy these days.
As posted earlier I do love my wife and kids, but somethings need ironing out. I seriously think Im suffering from depression, so will be browsing through that board too.

Happy new year and hope all is well for everyone!

You have another listening ear, when and if ever you need it. There are many of us (married) men going thru simuler situations that you are. Men have always been more sexually active than women it seem. Hey, if we could have our way, we would have sex every night, if not more often. Choosing to be with your wife only, is a wise choice! Will it be easy, no but it's the right thing to do. Telling your partner about your sexual struggles, isn't as cut and dry as people think that it is. Theirs not to many woman that will stay with a man once he reveals such a dark secret! How can you explain to her how you feel, and what's going on in your head, when you don't know/understand yourself. What ever the case may be, we must honor our marriage/vows. That's a must! The married bi-sexual man, is the loneliest of them all to me. Who can he share his struggles with? Who on earth can understand what he's going thru emotionaly other than another bisexual man. Since theirs not many screaming from the house top, "hey, I'm bisexual!" that listening ear is often not there. Anyway, best of fortune/blessings in the new year! God's speed..:wave:

I was on the internet, desperately looking for an on-line support group for someone that is going thru the same thing I am going thru. No luck so far. I came across this thread and wanted to share something with you.
I am 46 yrs old. On Dec.7th I lost my 71 yr old mother to AIDS. On Dec.13th I found out my 73 yr old father has full blown AIDS. He never said a word and said his test was negative. For a year we tried and tried to figure out how my mother became infected. Things are now coming out about my father's "secret" life. I am not here to judge or give my opinions, I just want to tell you about my family and the horrible pain and sadness we are going thru. My mom never knew how she got infected.
Please,what-ever you decide to do...be honest with your wife.

I was on the internet, desperately looking for an on-line support group for someone that is going thru the same thing I am going thru. No luck so far. I came across this thread and wanted to share something with you.
I am 46 yrs old. On Dec.7th I lost my 71 yr old mother to AIDS. On Dec.13th I found out my 73 yr old father has full blown AIDS. He never said a word and said his test was negative. For a year we tried and tried to figure out how my mother became infected. Things are now coming out about my father's "secret" life. I am not here to judge or give my opinions, I just want to tell you about my family and the horrible pain and sadness we are going thru. My mom never knew how she got infected.
Please,what-ever you decide to do...be honest with your wife.

Sorry to hear about your mother and father. Also thanks for replying to my post. Haven't been on here for a while.
I have had HIV tests and they were negative, I have learnt my lesson and will not do this again. People do bad/good things throughout their lives, some get away with it, and some don't, I am very relieved at my situation and hopefully I have learned my lesson, what has happened has been locked in my brain and will stay there, its embarrasing and more importantly, its not in my charachter to do such things. I lost my way in life through bullying in work, stress etc, now im not making excuses but i was lost and i was lonely. I hope other people can look at my story and take something positive from it, just like your story, sometimes people need a wake up call, Ive had mine (thank god) :)

I truly feel honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.Circumstances like yours are what spreads disease. I sincerely hope that you reevaluate yourself. I just had sex with a man who later told me that he had done gay porn and gay prostitution. He then told me he had genital warts...all of that could have been avoided had he been honest with me..Now I am sitting here scared shitless that I have HIV. PLEASE tell your wife, if not for yourself, then for her. I am in no way judging you...it's just that honesty and protecting yourself is so important to stop the spread of HIV. Good luck to you!!!

Then I guess we all have HIV! That is we reap what we sow.!

You have another listening ear, when and if ever you need it. There are many of us (married) men going thru simuler situations that you are. Men have always been more sexually active than women it seem. Hey, if we could have our way, we would have sex every night, if not more often. Choosing to be with your wife only, is a wise choice! Will it be easy, no but it's the right thing to do. Telling your partner about your sexual struggles, isn't as cut and dry as people think that it is. Theirs not to many woman that will stay with a man once he reveals such a dark secret! How can you explain to her how you feel, and what's going on in your head, when you don't know/understand yourself. What ever the case may be, we must honor our marriage/vows. That's a must! The married bi-sexual man, is the loneliest of them all to me. Who can he share his struggles with? Who on earth can understand what he's going thru emotionaly other than another bisexual man. Since theirs not many screaming from the house top, "hey, I'm bisexual!" that listening ear is often not there. Anyway, best of fortune/blessings in the new year! God's speed..:wave:


And MARRIED WOMEN! My husband is 22 years older than I am. I am 31 at my prime in life. Just lost weight and am feeling so good for the first time about me. He never wants sex! I can't stand it. I feel so rejected! That is one of the reasons I'm in the trouble i am in now..........agony of waiting the 3 months (not because of him, I don't blame him for my fault) it's because of my lack of sex and high sex drive. :confused: