jaguar63122
01-03-2007, 01:40 PM
Hello all....I have written before trying to do what is right by my husband. He is a chronic pain suffer(failed back syndrome). He is on Oxy and Methadone, and seems to have given up on life. I know he truely is in pain, but I can't see our lives going on like they have been for another 3 years. My husband does not work. He does not help around the house. He does not help to grocery shop. He doesn't mow the lawn, or do anything to help me in our daily lives. I work 50 hours a week. Take care of our 6 year old daughter, and take care of all home duties. I carry 100% responsibilities of carring for the family and making sure things are done. My husband sleeps till about 11:00 am and then goes back to bed around 1:00 pm. Then he gets up at 3:00 to get daughter off bus, and then takes her back to bed. I get home at 6:00pm and get daughter up. He then wakes up at 10:00pm, when I am going to bed, and then goes to bed an hour or 2 later. If he drops something on the floor, he leaves for me to pick up. He will sleep all day and leave the dogs in. So when I come home I have some "surprises". We have not had relations in over 3 years due to medications. My husband even will not get out of bed to use the bathroom. He has a bottle beside the bed in which he illiminates himself during the night. I want to be a supportive wife, but I feel like my husband is drowning, and pulling me down with him. Reason for posting is...everyone that I read seems like they are functioning in life with pain. Trying to have relations. Doing housework to help out. Most even seem to be trying to work , or atleast get better. I truely believe my husband might be jealous of my life, and is actually doing thinks to make my life harder. I feel like me staying in this relationship is actually contributing to his demise. Maybe if I wasn't around to do everything he would have to take on some resonsibility. I don't want to be labeled as the woman who left her husband because he is in pain or can't function like he use to. I have been 100% supportive, and need something from my husband to show he wants more than he has now and is willing to fight for it. He has just layed down to die, and no one can change it. Do I sound unreasonable? I feel that I have the responsibility to take care of the family now, and I want him to feel responsible to try and help me out by maybe making dinner and taking that burden off of me daily. Is that to much to ask? Can someone be in so much pain that they cant even give you an hour or 2 a day of help? Sorry to vent..but I need your perspectives...I have an appointment with a lawyer next Tuesday. I don't want to desert my husband, but due to the medicine, depression, or pain I can't stand my life anymore. He can afford to shut down because i go for him, but I can not because I have a 6 year old daughter to take care of. My husband has become mean and distant, and when I truely look into his face I no longer see the man I fell in love with. I see a worn down man with no drive to live. I've offered counceling. I've offered to take to specialist. He see's nothing wrong, and feels this is the best his life can be. Sorry so long....
Thanks again..jaguar
Thanks again..jaguar
Sponsor
Director
01-03-2007, 04:22 PM
Hi Jaguar: [removed] Give him six months to make some changes in his life and if he doesn't begin divorice procedings. You maybe would want to his doctor first, to find out for yourself if there is something going on with him you don't know about, but I don't think there is anything you can do at this point. It sounds to me like he is severely over medicated and likes it that way.
Without turning this into a book, let me tell you a couple things. I have been on Social Security Disability for three years now for chronic pain problems. I have had lung surgery, where they removed a beign tumor the size of a small orange in the top lobe of my left lung. I have nerve pain from that, described as chest wall pain, where the nerves have not regenerated correctly. I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, where I have almost constant pain and diarrhea to the point sometimes I can't leave the house some days.
With all this and not working (my wife does) I do all the cooking, shopping, pay the bills, take care of all insurance, the cars, and everything else which involves the house and our lives. I am on 180 mg of Methadone per day, but I get up with my wife every morning at 5:30 and fix her breakfast and lunch and get her off to work. I usually will have her lunch made the evening before, so all I have to do is put it in her lunch bag and it's ready. What I'm saying is I do pretty much everything around the house. My wife comes home from work at 5:00 and we sit down to eat dinner, which I have prepared at 5:30. We do tend to go to bed fairly early because we're both tired and we get up fairly early during the week. We do go to bed together. I do not sit up and watch TV and then go to bed at 1:00 AM.
I guess I'm telling you all of this, not to toot my own horn, but to tell you there are better alternatives out there. You deserve better. Hubby may be in pain, but so am I and I still manage to do some of the things that need to be done in our lives. You work, so you shouldn't have to do everything at home too. If you lived with just your daughter, you would have one less to worry about and care for each day. Give it some thought and then let us know what you think is the best path to follow. Most of us on this board, although in pain, do manage to function, at least to a certain degree.
Good luck to you.
Without turning this into a book, let me tell you a couple things. I have been on Social Security Disability for three years now for chronic pain problems. I have had lung surgery, where they removed a beign tumor the size of a small orange in the top lobe of my left lung. I have nerve pain from that, described as chest wall pain, where the nerves have not regenerated correctly. I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, where I have almost constant pain and diarrhea to the point sometimes I can't leave the house some days.
With all this and not working (my wife does) I do all the cooking, shopping, pay the bills, take care of all insurance, the cars, and everything else which involves the house and our lives. I am on 180 mg of Methadone per day, but I get up with my wife every morning at 5:30 and fix her breakfast and lunch and get her off to work. I usually will have her lunch made the evening before, so all I have to do is put it in her lunch bag and it's ready. What I'm saying is I do pretty much everything around the house. My wife comes home from work at 5:00 and we sit down to eat dinner, which I have prepared at 5:30. We do tend to go to bed fairly early because we're both tired and we get up fairly early during the week. We do go to bed together. I do not sit up and watch TV and then go to bed at 1:00 AM.
I guess I'm telling you all of this, not to toot my own horn, but to tell you there are better alternatives out there. You deserve better. Hubby may be in pain, but so am I and I still manage to do some of the things that need to be done in our lives. You work, so you shouldn't have to do everything at home too. If you lived with just your daughter, you would have one less to worry about and care for each day. Give it some thought and then let us know what you think is the best path to follow. Most of us on this board, although in pain, do manage to function, at least to a certain degree.
Good luck to you.
ejreiss
01-03-2007, 05:47 PM
Hi Jaguar, has he ever gone for any psychological treatment or has he always refused. Has he ever been on any anti-depressants. Seems like a long time to be so inactive. I've been thru periods like that from failed back syndrome. I've never had any luck with anti-depressants but I always seem to pick my self up enough to get up and function to the best of my ability. I am also disabled and the stay at home dad, but I guess I've kept my wife happy enough to stay with me. I help out as much as possible, I do most of cleaning and housework. I also do shopping. I don't enjoy doing this type of stuff as much working at my old job but it keeps me busy enough to not be severly depressed. I also need to rest after doing things for short periods but everyone needs something to keep themselves from getting depressed. Your husband also needs to socialize and get a new hobby. Maybe you can tell him your gonna leave him if he dosn't get his act together. Try telling him in a nice way that he has to try or your gone. Maybe he just needs a big shove.You know being so inactive only makes your chronic pain worst. I've had three separate back surgeries over the course of 7 years. This last one was the straw that broke the camels back and I am the camel. I've struggled to pick myself up enough to survive. I take perc for pain and can't even get the doctors to prescribe me anything else. I hurt like crazy but I've found sitting around all day only makes it worst.
forginon
01-03-2007, 05:53 PM
I agree wholeheartedly with Director.
I am on 80mg/day Methadone for chronic pain. I am fortunate enough to work, as does my wife. We share duties around the house and with things like bill paying, etc. I do alot of the driving the kinds here there and everywhere.
Most pain docs are looking for their treatment to improve the patient's functionality. I haven't heard of a pain doc who will settle for therapy that leaves a patient in your husband's condition. It definitely seems like his dose is way too high.
He needs a wake-up call. I think Director's idea to give your husband a time-frame within which to make changes is very good.
You've hung in there by yourself long enough. You need help and he needs to give it to you. It sounds to me like you are suffering more from his pain than he is.
I am on 80mg/day Methadone for chronic pain. I am fortunate enough to work, as does my wife. We share duties around the house and with things like bill paying, etc. I do alot of the driving the kinds here there and everywhere.
Most pain docs are looking for their treatment to improve the patient's functionality. I haven't heard of a pain doc who will settle for therapy that leaves a patient in your husband's condition. It definitely seems like his dose is way too high.
He needs a wake-up call. I think Director's idea to give your husband a time-frame within which to make changes is very good.
You've hung in there by yourself long enough. You need help and he needs to give it to you. It sounds to me like you are suffering more from his pain than he is.
rosequartz
01-03-2007, 05:53 PM
being a care-giver is extremely hard, especially when the person you're caring for does very little to help himself. Just out of curiousity.....how was he before the pain? did he help around the house? participate in the relationship? do things to make your life easier? It almost sounds like he could be using it as an excuse to be lazy, and on the other hand, he most certainly sounds depressed. Either way, you can't let him take you down with him. I know you've been supportive, but at this point, even you are questioning whether all that support has just been enabling him to continue on his miserable existance. Have you ever told him how you feel? I think you need to! I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do. And if you leave him, don't feel bad, you want the best for your daughter. I wouldn't blame you.
:angel:
:angel:
jaguar63122
01-03-2007, 06:12 PM
Thanks for all your responses. My husband used to be different. We did everything together..gardening...yardwork....movies ..dinner. Now he doesn't even take tiime to get dressed an shower. He takes depression medicine, but refuses to seek mental health help. I however have. He knows how I feel and tells me he doesn't blame me if I want to file for divorce. Again ..I feel this is a way to make me feel guilty. I he really cared how I felt..he would put forth effort to change. Thats all I want is help and a somewhat normal relationship. His family has even done an intervention with him about 4 months ago. I came home and he promised to get help. Well that never happened. One other thing is that he will not let me go to the DR. with him. And threatens that I never call him. I don't believe that he is being honest with the DR., and the DR thinks his life is more productive than it really is. I'm going to try and talk one last time. Wish me luck!!!! Thanks again!
ejreiss
01-03-2007, 07:07 PM
Sounds like you've got it figured out. Maybe you should insist that you go to the doctor with him. The doctor needs to know how he is behaving.
Director
01-03-2007, 07:14 PM
Hey Jaguar: You say he refuses to let you go to the doctor with him. Is there any reason you can't make your own appointment with the doctor? Tell them you are very concerned about his well being and need to talk with the doctor. If he isn't being honest and up front with his doc, I think the doctor needs to know. I also think (as I stated before) that you husband is severely overmedicated and that is a large portion of his problem. Nobody sleeps 20 out 24 hours each day, unless they're recovering from major surgery or something and are heavily sedated.
If you don't get anywhere "talking" to him, I still think giving him a six month time frame to straighten his life out is fair. Don't waste your own life (not to mention your six year old daughter's), if he isn't at least willing to try to make some changes. You need to find out from his doctor if there is something besides the obvious you don't know about!
If you don't get anywhere "talking" to him, I still think giving him a six month time frame to straighten his life out is fair. Don't waste your own life (not to mention your six year old daughter's), if he isn't at least willing to try to make some changes. You need to find out from his doctor if there is something besides the obvious you don't know about!
IZZY'SMOM
01-03-2007, 08:05 PM
Hi Jaguar~
OMG! Sorry but I just had to pick myself up off of the floor after I read this one.:eek: I agree with Director as well...and have some other thoughts that I sure cant post here. You and your daughter have lives to live and if he chooses to play games and act the way he has been, then he will have to suffer the consequences.
If someone told me to go ahead and divorce them, I would have burned a hole through the floor getting out the door and doing it to let them know that I dont need their pity, and get on with my life. What more do you want him to tell you? If he cant be honest with you then you are better off.
Im sorry, and dont want to sound harsh, but I am 44 yrs old, have one biological son who is 11, whose dad lives 4 hours away and I drive him there every weekend and pick him up again after the weekend. Two others ages 5 and 8 that we have pretty much all of the time, due to their mothers death last summer, and I run my rear off all day!
A typical day for me is get up at 6 am, get everyone up and ready for school while hubby is getting ready for work, breakfast, then drive everyone to school, come home start laundry after the beds are made, do the dishes, pay bills, pick up and clean and do the daily chores, ect. Then run dogs to vet appts, groomers, grocery shop, ect. And this is a 6 bedroom house! I do have someone who comes in one day a week to do the heavy cleaning like tubs, showers, ect. Which Im greatful for.
I also work out of my home online selling designer bags and clothing and have packages to pack up, get out,ect. And not to mention the phone ringing off of the hook all of the time too. Pick kids up at 3 pm from school, bring home make snacks, ect. start dinner, and believe me my hubby is wonderful! He helps with everything he can. And after dinner is the dishes, homework, baths, bed, refereeing kids arguments, ect. then fall into bed at midnite. So when I have a bad day, it sucks, but I keep going. If you lie and moan and dope yourself up so you dont feel anything, you are going to be worthless.
Pain meds enable me to be a wife, mother, friend, and live a wonderful life. Much better than when I didnt have them and the help.
Of course there are days that id like to lie around some extra, and when I dont have all of the kids, I take a guilty couch movie, ect, but never more than that or sleeping in once in a while.
Im not tooting at all, either, just want to say that i do a plenty and from the other posts that have been written, you can see that it doesnt have to be how you are living in your home. Give him a time frame, thats fair. But also give yourself one. You and your daughter deserve better than what hes giving. Hope I didnt offend you, I was a single mom for 8 yrs with a baby working 4 jobs. You can do it, if its what you decide to do!!!:
Let us know how things go, Ill be thinking of you:wave:
xoxoxoxo
IZZY'SMOM
OMG! Sorry but I just had to pick myself up off of the floor after I read this one.:eek: I agree with Director as well...and have some other thoughts that I sure cant post here. You and your daughter have lives to live and if he chooses to play games and act the way he has been, then he will have to suffer the consequences.
If someone told me to go ahead and divorce them, I would have burned a hole through the floor getting out the door and doing it to let them know that I dont need their pity, and get on with my life. What more do you want him to tell you? If he cant be honest with you then you are better off.
Im sorry, and dont want to sound harsh, but I am 44 yrs old, have one biological son who is 11, whose dad lives 4 hours away and I drive him there every weekend and pick him up again after the weekend. Two others ages 5 and 8 that we have pretty much all of the time, due to their mothers death last summer, and I run my rear off all day!
A typical day for me is get up at 6 am, get everyone up and ready for school while hubby is getting ready for work, breakfast, then drive everyone to school, come home start laundry after the beds are made, do the dishes, pay bills, pick up and clean and do the daily chores, ect. Then run dogs to vet appts, groomers, grocery shop, ect. And this is a 6 bedroom house! I do have someone who comes in one day a week to do the heavy cleaning like tubs, showers, ect. Which Im greatful for.
I also work out of my home online selling designer bags and clothing and have packages to pack up, get out,ect. And not to mention the phone ringing off of the hook all of the time too. Pick kids up at 3 pm from school, bring home make snacks, ect. start dinner, and believe me my hubby is wonderful! He helps with everything he can. And after dinner is the dishes, homework, baths, bed, refereeing kids arguments, ect. then fall into bed at midnite. So when I have a bad day, it sucks, but I keep going. If you lie and moan and dope yourself up so you dont feel anything, you are going to be worthless.
Pain meds enable me to be a wife, mother, friend, and live a wonderful life. Much better than when I didnt have them and the help.
Of course there are days that id like to lie around some extra, and when I dont have all of the kids, I take a guilty couch movie, ect, but never more than that or sleeping in once in a while.
Im not tooting at all, either, just want to say that i do a plenty and from the other posts that have been written, you can see that it doesnt have to be how you are living in your home. Give him a time frame, thats fair. But also give yourself one. You and your daughter deserve better than what hes giving. Hope I didnt offend you, I was a single mom for 8 yrs with a baby working 4 jobs. You can do it, if its what you decide to do!!!:
Let us know how things go, Ill be thinking of you:wave:
xoxoxoxo
IZZY'SMOM
ejreiss
01-03-2007, 09:00 PM
Jaguar, I was wondering what you meant when you said he was on oxy and methadone. Do you mean he is on oxycontin or oxycodone for break through pain. Also what kind of doctor is treating him, is it a pain management doctor.
What has your husband been thru as far as treatment. If he is under pain management then they should be taking a multi-disciplinary approach which is more than just medicating someone. I just hate to see you pack your bags and run because you have a daughter involved. I know everyone has been saying to leave him but maybe we don't have all the info to be the judge of that either. I kinda feel for the guy because I know what he is going thru. I've been thru a lot and although I barely pulled myself out I see how I could have easily slipped into his shoes. I'm not saying that you shouldn't leave if this keeps up just that maybe it would help to talk about it. Maybe he just has a problem with being overmedicated. That would not be totally his fault as I would put some of the blame on the doctor. That would also explain why he dosn't want you to go to the doctor with him. Maybe he dosn't want to take the chances of getting his medications reduced because he is addicted.
This is something that with the doctors help you could get him into rehab. I am not saying that this is definitely the case but for your daughters sake I think you need to talk to that doctor and your husband. In sickness and health till death do you part. Even drug addiction is a sickness which can happen to a lot of people with chronic pain.
What has your husband been thru as far as treatment. If he is under pain management then they should be taking a multi-disciplinary approach which is more than just medicating someone. I just hate to see you pack your bags and run because you have a daughter involved. I know everyone has been saying to leave him but maybe we don't have all the info to be the judge of that either. I kinda feel for the guy because I know what he is going thru. I've been thru a lot and although I barely pulled myself out I see how I could have easily slipped into his shoes. I'm not saying that you shouldn't leave if this keeps up just that maybe it would help to talk about it. Maybe he just has a problem with being overmedicated. That would not be totally his fault as I would put some of the blame on the doctor. That would also explain why he dosn't want you to go to the doctor with him. Maybe he dosn't want to take the chances of getting his medications reduced because he is addicted.
This is something that with the doctors help you could get him into rehab. I am not saying that this is definitely the case but for your daughters sake I think you need to talk to that doctor and your husband. In sickness and health till death do you part. Even drug addiction is a sickness which can happen to a lot of people with chronic pain.
IZZY'SMOM
01-03-2007, 09:45 PM
Good points, but there is a reason that he doesnt want you to talk to the doc. And if he is seriously addicted, and depressed then he wouldnt want the both of you to ever come face to face for fear that he may be overmedicating himself for whatever reasons, ect. Maybe its his way to cope, or he is so depresed that he doesnt care. For what its worth, I hope that everything can work out, and thats why we are here is to let you vent and hopefully help you out. Its going to be your decision no matter what, so thats the bottom line.
xoxoxox
IZZY'SMOM
xoxoxox
IZZY'SMOM
jaguar63122
01-04-2007, 10:52 AM
Thanks everyone. My husband has been going to a pain specialist for over 3 years now. (Dr. he even has a book out) I used to go to the Dr. with him at first, but with working and getting off it was hard. I think he feels that the DR. will take him off some medicine if I tell him my concerns. I think he fears the pain. And for that I feel sorry for him. He says he will not try another surgery because it is so painfull. He has had 2 fusions. He takes oxycotin and methadone together and nothing for breakthru. He also takes Serequel, Nortryptiline, Lexapro, and Clanazapam. When he first started treating he tried antidepressants at first with low doses of oxy because of research he has done with certain antidepressants. He used to take Hydrocodone 7.5 for breakthru, but the DR. stopped that???? The Dr. tested him about 6 months ago, and he didn't have any of either drug (oxy/meth) in his system. He took it all early and would run out. So Dr. threatened to fire him if it ever happened again. He has been tested 3 times since and been fine. He is scared to run out so he does take them right now. Last night went home to talk my concerns over with my husband, since he initiated yesterday morning that he knew I was unhappy and wanted to try and make things work. So I came home yesterday with my plan on what I needed from him. I came home to husband in bed, child in bed. My husband did not get up until after I had gone to bed at 10:00 pm. Neither did he do one thing to the house yesterday to help me out. He left his usual, little debbie wrappers on the floor and filled up ashtray. My bitterness comes form the fact if I let the groceries get low or behind on laundry, I am called the laziest woman he has ever met! But I have to come home and look at this everyday. Problem is, once again..that I let this go on to advoid arguments. I want to help my husband, but I think I have allowed what I have go on to long for him to change. I think he feels its my job. Anyways...sorry to be so down, but it is hard to be in a situation like this. When I met my husband he was fine. Had and injury about 6 months into dating, and I stayed by him through surguries, helped pay his bills, and even married him knowing that life would be more limited....but this is not what I seen for my future. Don't mean to turn this into a pity party....truely am looking to help my husband. Can I contact the DR. and know that he will not talk to my husband about meeting or talking to me? Will he keep that private? Is it ok to ask that my husband take on responsibilities like cooking and dishes daily? Should he be able to handle that you think? I now realize that people in worse shape than him...are doing alot better and contributing alot more. I am now realizing that I truely am being used to an extent, and it needs to stop one way or the other. Thanks again for listening and helping! jaguar
germanshepherd
01-04-2007, 11:44 AM
Just read both your posts. First of all, my husband and I both have fibromyalgia. What My hubby dosen't have is severe chronic back pain 24/7 that I have. He has terrible muscle pain. I have been like this for 6 yrs or so now. I have been seen by many doctors and mri's till i'm blue in the face, and all want to do spinal fusion or cage. I have chronic spasms constantly and would wish my back pain on NOBODY! I work two jobs. One Tues-Friday, from 5:30am till 10:00, then I go to my other job in the spa all day, Tuesday thru Sat. late nights Thrus-Friday. The spa is a new job I started and left another salon, started in August folowing my hysterectomy and bladder lift, abdominal incision. I cannot at this point because of money, not work. My hubby retires from his job in 3 yrs. In the Spa I do waxing, non-stop manicures and pedicures which take a toll on this body! I am 45. For me to sit here and read that your hubby can't even pick up after himself kills me, I want to explode! Your hubby is majorly depressed and lazy. More lazy I am guessing. The only pain medicine I am on is ultracet. And I had to pull teeth to get it. I live in upstate NY, and doctors here don't believe in pain meds for some reason. I have been to many pain management doctors, recently had a lumbar epidural, thought I had finally found the right doctor, then divorced him for his lack of compassion and miss informing me when I asked about pain after procedure. And it's sad cause he is the one that put me on ultracet. The injection helped maybe 10%. I need two more. I am looking for pm now, to hopefully keep me on meds. YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO BE IN THERAPY TOO. I would have a cow and a half if my hubby was not cleaning my house, cooking, laundry, childcare, yard work etc, if he were home all day! The fact he is on pain meds and lexapro, then he should be able to help out, and I think it's crap! I would not cater to him, have a firm talk with him, show him where the door is. Honey, you have been supportive enough on your part. Give it rest and settle this once and for all. You are gonna wind up physically sick from being in this situation! You are depressed yourself because of him. I am telling you this because there are some days, I can't even barely get out of bed, but force myself because I have to. Did I mention I clean my house too on top of this? My hubby does the laundry and other things. My kids are grown, one lives in Delaware and the other home, but she helps out too. I also care for the dog. I actually, because of chronic pain, (shoulders neck included, muscle pain) pull up in my driveway and try to figure out what is the best way to get out of my car because I am in tears after a long day. Sneezing kills my back, I have allergies. I have to position my self a certain way cause I know the pain is coming hard with a sneeze. I hope this letter opened your eyes to all of us who have to work and live with chronic pain. Go and kick him in the butt and tell him to stop crying self pity and be a man and take some resposibility. In the meantime I will pray for you, take care , Tammy
ejreiss
01-04-2007, 12:55 PM
I do agree that this is a very difficult situation your husband is putting you in, but there may be more that can be done for him on your part. Several people here seem to think you should dump him because they have gone thru a lot and yet they still seem to work. If they can still work than they are obviously not severe enough for their doctors to take them out of work. Not to say that you can be totally disabled and still function but everyone and every situation is different. For all of those who are still working I pat you on the back. Remember you said that he was not always like this. You should try and make things right wether you chose to stay with him or not. If I were you I would make that doctor appointment and go see the dr behind his back if he does not allow you to go see him together. The doctor needs to know how dysfunctional your husband has become. Remember that this is a tough thing to except and along with the severe pain one has to accept the fact that they are going to have severe pain for the rest of their life which in turn causes severe depression. This only complicates the situation further. I am will to bet that the doctor has no idea how dysfunctional your husband has become and your husband does not want to let him know because he thinks at this point only medication is the answer. Your husband needs a multidisciplinary approach to pain management and treetment for depression. The doctor is the only one that may be able to accomplish this but he needs to know what is really going on. What about other procedures, has he ever been recomended to have further surgery, spinal stimulator, implanted pain medicine pump to deliver low doses of pain med to problem area. You need to help him any way you can regardless of what he wants and regardless of the results. At least you will feel better about yourself if you decide to leave him.
You also said you have not had relations in three years because of the doctor. This is an issue that causes a lot of stress on your relationship and needs to be addressed with the doctor. It may or may not be a result of the medications he is on and can be resolved. Good luck and keep us updated
You also said you have not had relations in three years because of the doctor. This is an issue that causes a lot of stress on your relationship and needs to be addressed with the doctor. It may or may not be a result of the medications he is on and can be resolved. Good luck and keep us updated
22buddy
01-04-2007, 03:21 PM
This is more than a pain issue i for one am in the group than is unable to work. I have had two failed fusions myself and live with excruciating pain on a daily basis.
The difference is that the fights me and my husband have is me overdoing it to try and take the burden off of my husband. Most of us find ourselves feeling useless and want ways to help our spouses so we end up doing more than we should.
I think you have a case of someone totally giving up on life with a good case of lazy thrown in.
Dr. Phil has a saying that " we teach people how to treat us" and it sounds like he learned early on that you would always pick up the slack ( pay the bills, take care of the house, raise your daughter).
There is an issue of the privacy law that might prevent you from getting much info from his doctor even though you are his wife.You can try however.
I think after this many years you have given it all you have got its not like he got hurt and you ran at the first sign of discomfort.
I would have a rational conversation where I gave him a timeline that said by this date I need this to happen and by this date I need that to happen ( baby steps) and if he didn't meet those changes I would leave.
This might spark him to realize you mean business. If not then you did all you could and you deserve better. I'm not saying you deserve someone not injured but someone who loves you enough to give 100% even if their 100% is much less than yours due to their disability.
Hope this helps. you are in a difficult situation Good luck. You are a strong woman for all you have been through most women would have caved under the pressure.
Lisa:angel:
The difference is that the fights me and my husband have is me overdoing it to try and take the burden off of my husband. Most of us find ourselves feeling useless and want ways to help our spouses so we end up doing more than we should.
I think you have a case of someone totally giving up on life with a good case of lazy thrown in.
Dr. Phil has a saying that " we teach people how to treat us" and it sounds like he learned early on that you would always pick up the slack ( pay the bills, take care of the house, raise your daughter).
There is an issue of the privacy law that might prevent you from getting much info from his doctor even though you are his wife.You can try however.
I think after this many years you have given it all you have got its not like he got hurt and you ran at the first sign of discomfort.
I would have a rational conversation where I gave him a timeline that said by this date I need this to happen and by this date I need that to happen ( baby steps) and if he didn't meet those changes I would leave.
This might spark him to realize you mean business. If not then you did all you could and you deserve better. I'm not saying you deserve someone not injured but someone who loves you enough to give 100% even if their 100% is much less than yours due to their disability.
Hope this helps. you are in a difficult situation Good luck. You are a strong woman for all you have been through most women would have caved under the pressure.
Lisa:angel:
kim4074
01-04-2007, 03:53 PM
I just wanted to jump in here. My fiance takes pain meds and for awhile was just lazy. I know he could do stuff yet he wouldnt. We would go months without intimacy and I would just hold in my frustration. He would sleep for days if I allowed it. blaming it on the pain and pain meds. I finally had enough. I made him get some blood tests done. Found out he had diabetes and also VERY low testosterone. Due to the meds and diabetes and whatever else. He was put on testosterone and has been a changed man. He gets up and has energy, depression is gone and he helps around the house. maybe its something more with your husband. I would encourage him to get some tests done. Testosterone and blood sugar. I have a hard time believing that he is happy with his life too. So try to encourage that. There might be some underlying issue that is being over seen. Kim
ejreiss
01-04-2007, 04:52 PM
This is obvious to everyone here that this may not be just a pain issue. Just like kim said there may be some more to this than appears. There is a good chance that he is being overmedicated and the doctor is being misled. Although this is a posibility it is definitely not a sure thing. I am only stating that in order for you to leave him and have no guilt you have to be sure of what you are leaving him for and know that you can not rectify the problem. I have a horrible story to tell of a similar situation with my father in law. We witnessed him having problems because he could not urinate properly. After having surgery to correct this and being on pain meds for a long time we noticed him falling into the same sort of slump. He was extremely inactive, constantly cried for more pain meds, and didn't even take care of himself. He lived alone so we would have to go over and take care of him and make sure he followed up and went to nescassary doctors. For so long he complained of this and so many doctors later we were finally convinced that he had a drug problem because the doctors told us they found nothing wrong with him. We would push and push him to get off meds and get his life back together. Finally at the doctors request we signed him into rehab. It was still unsucessful and he still screamed for pain meds and resolution. Several doctor visits later we finally got to the bottom of it. We got him an appointment to visit a new doctor and this doctor took some time to listen and do every test possible. All it took was one finger up the butt and a few more tests to reveal that this man was not a drug addict he was just looking for pain relief. At first we listened to the doctors and they are not perfect either. If we would of just wrote him off and gave up on him at this point we would have a lot of guilt riding on our shoulders because we abandoned him. I'm not saying that this is the case with you. My father in law died of prostate cancer and we lost a great man. So before you run you need to get to the bottom of this. Even if this is a drug problem I also feel that you should try and resolve this. He is not your average junky off the street and he has been on pain meds for legitimate reasons. Remember even this is a sickness that if it turns out could be considered a direct result of poor medical practices and diagnosis. You simply can't assume you know what is wrong until you get to the bottom of it.
Plain and simple I just can't understand how all of you pain sufferers can't sympathize and realize their may be people worst off than you.
Plain and simple I just can't understand how all of you pain sufferers can't sympathize and realize their may be people worst off than you.
jaguar63122
01-04-2007, 05:16 PM
Kim....you are right..in September I told my husband that our intimate problems were more then back pain or meds. I told him the he had no desire and he agreed. I did some research and thought it might be his testosterone causing alot of things that were wrong. Went to the DR. found out he had 0 testosterone. Dr. put him on meds. He was suppose to go back in 2 months for 2nd blood test to test level and adjust. He didn't return????? His prescription is almost out so he will either have to go back to DR., or stop taking. I was hoping that would fix some of the issues, but it didn't. My husband has not even been xray'd since his last fusion. His back might be a simple fix..but you would never know since he refuses to see a DR. He only has his pain specialist now. We are 2 hours from one of the best spine centers, but he refuses to try. Thanks for the suggestions. I have researched, I've asked members questions on this board over the last years. Even now Im suppose to be working, and I'm focusing on what I can do to help him. I really do appriciate everyones help and advice. I sign in to this site daily, and read stories such as Dave's and see how far you can come when you want to. My husband is going to have to dig into his soul and decide he wants to get better. I will be there for him when that happens rather we are still together or not. ejre1ss...I'm not going to give up on him...but helping him might require me to move on. Thanks again...jaguar
IZZY'SMOM
01-04-2007, 06:13 PM
I cant believe that a doc would keep him going like this if he knew the severity of all of the problems at home for you guys. Wish you could talk to the doc, and let him know. Moving on doesnt mean you are giving up on him, it just means that you cannot continue nor do you want to continue living your life this way, am I correct? You are in a tough spot. Please let us know how things work out.
When you say he refuses to see a doc or go in for appts,or not allow you to go to his appts, it certainly makes me think that he knows if he does that there will be a huge change at home, and probably with the amounts of meds hes getting. I have PT twice a week, and my doc doesnt call to make sure I go by any means, but its an unsaid agreement that Im pretty sure if I didnt try to better myself he wouldnt be very happy writing out scripts for meds all the time, while i just lay around at home, not trying on my part.
Hope you can find some peace...
xoxoxox
IZZY'SMOM:angel:
When you say he refuses to see a doc or go in for appts,or not allow you to go to his appts, it certainly makes me think that he knows if he does that there will be a huge change at home, and probably with the amounts of meds hes getting. I have PT twice a week, and my doc doesnt call to make sure I go by any means, but its an unsaid agreement that Im pretty sure if I didnt try to better myself he wouldnt be very happy writing out scripts for meds all the time, while i just lay around at home, not trying on my part.
Hope you can find some peace...
xoxoxox
IZZY'SMOM:angel:
djemcee
01-04-2007, 07:10 PM
One thing that just get's me mad is the fact that he would be so brazen to just leave things on the floor and make you pick them up. There is no reason that he should have the energy and ability to open and eat a Little Debbie Pie, and not have the energy or want to throw the wrapper away. That is a plain F-U in my eyes. I would in no way ever pick that up for him. If I did, I would put them under his sheets in bed. I am sure he would find the trash then!!
California Chris
California Chris
Director
01-04-2007, 07:31 PM
That's not near as bad as having a pee bottle next to the bed, so he doesn't have to even get up to go to the bathroom!! If that's not enough, he leaves the dogs in all day so they crap all over the house.
I don't know Jag, I know you want to help him, but you have a big job ahead of you. I have to run and start dinner. My wife will be home in a little over an hour.
I don't know Jag, I know you want to help him, but you have a big job ahead of you. I have to run and start dinner. My wife will be home in a little over an hour.
IZZY'SMOM
01-04-2007, 08:34 PM
Im not trying to sound harsh, but as long as you keep doing stuff for him, its like a 5 yr old master manipulator. Hell just let you do it. Does he not care that the house smells like dog crap, ect? Does he just walk over it?
You made a statement today " here I am supposed to be working, and IM trying to help him, instead." If you stopped, what would happen? Would you feel horribly guilty? Can you get some help for yourself so that you can be stronger in this situation? Do you have any support?
I know that youd like to have a marriage, and thats not too much to ask at all, but it just seems that hes dropped the ball, and doesnt care, at all.
When you said that he gets the daughter off of the bus and then takes her to bed, ect. do they just lie there and watch tv, cartoons, ect? Does your daughter not think there is something wrong that daddy just lies in bed? Im not trying to make you feel bad at all, please, Im just trying to understand more of why someone would put their spouse thru all of this, and not be compliant with your wishes as far as the doc visits, ect.
xoxoxoxoxo
IZZY'SMOM
You made a statement today " here I am supposed to be working, and IM trying to help him, instead." If you stopped, what would happen? Would you feel horribly guilty? Can you get some help for yourself so that you can be stronger in this situation? Do you have any support?
I know that youd like to have a marriage, and thats not too much to ask at all, but it just seems that hes dropped the ball, and doesnt care, at all.
When you said that he gets the daughter off of the bus and then takes her to bed, ect. do they just lie there and watch tv, cartoons, ect? Does your daughter not think there is something wrong that daddy just lies in bed? Im not trying to make you feel bad at all, please, Im just trying to understand more of why someone would put their spouse thru all of this, and not be compliant with your wishes as far as the doc visits, ect.
xoxoxoxoxo
IZZY'SMOM
ejreiss
01-04-2007, 11:45 PM
Jaguar- I can't help it but I have been thinking about your post all day for the last couple of days. I feel so sorry for everything that your husband has been putting you thru. I also feel so sorry for everything that your husband is going thru. I was just wondering what kind of treatment this guy is receiving. How can he be so heavily medicated for so long with no real diagnostic tests ever being done to explain his prolonged and extreme complaints. What kind of doctor would just guess that he has failed back syndrome without doing any further diagnostic tests. Has he had emg, mri, mylogram, or anything to determine that this is the problem and nothing else can be done. Did the doctors take him out of work and say that he can no longer work. Does he get s.s. disability or long term disability or anything like that. These are also things that you would need medical proof to receive. I just can't understand why he refuses to at least get to the bottom of what is causing his pain. I also can't understand how any doctor in the world would prescribe like that with no medical proof. This just plain and simple is wrong and no doctor should ever guess at what is wrong with someone who is having these many problems for so long. Dosn't your husband know that all of these tests are virtually painless and extremely easy to go thru. Dosn't he at least want proof for himself. Could be so many things going on with no explanation at all. This man should not be medicated like that without medical proof. This man can also have other things done medically without medication or major surgical intervention if he is suffering from failed back syndrome. I just don't understand this situation at all. You need to help him get to the bottom of this. Once you find out then it is his decision if he wants further treatment. If he then chooses to just takes meds and sleep all day I would leave and not look back and not have any guilty feelings. You are an extremely strong person and have been thru a lot. Was also wondering if your husband was the father of your daughter. Sorry to be so nosy but this definitely complicates things further.
ejreiss
01-04-2007, 11:56 PM
Jaguar I also want to coment on the statement that helping him might require that you move on. I know that this is your right if you decide to do so. I just can't see how this could help him in any way at this point. If he loves you then you leaving him right now might cause this guy to go over the deep end. Even if you are not still in love with him I think you should move on but please try and help him a little and get to the bottom of this before you leave him. You need to get him out of this state of severe depression. He will put a bullet in his head if he loves you and you are all he has left and you walk out now.
IZZY'SMOM
01-05-2007, 12:25 AM
Jaguar- I can't help it but I have been thinking about your post all day for the last couple of days. I feel so sorry for everything that your husband has been putting you thru. I also feel so sorry for everything that your husband is going thru. I was just wondering what kind of treatment this guy is receiving. How can he be so heavily medicated for so long with no real diagnostic tests ever being done to explain his prolonged and extreme complaints. What kind of doctor would just guess that he has failed back syndrome without doing any further diagnostic tests. Has he had emg, mri, mylogram, or anything to determine that this is the problem and nothing else can be done. Did the doctors take him out of work and say that he can no longer work. Does he get s.s. disability or long term disability or anything like that. These are also things that you would need medical proof to receive. I just can't understand why he refuses to at least get to the bottom of what is causing his pain. I also can't understand how any doctor in the world would prescribe like that with no medical proof. This just plain and simple is wrong and no doctor should ever guess at what is wrong with someone who is having these many problems for so long. Dosn't your husband know that all of these tests are virtually painless and extremely easy to go thru. Dosn't he at least want proof for himself. Could be so many things going on with no explanation at all. This man should not be medicated like that without medical proof. This man can also have other things done medically without medication or major surgical intervention if he is suffering from failed back syndrome. I just don't understand this situation at all. You need to help him get to the bottom of this. Once you find out then it is his decision if he wants further treatment. If he then chooses to just takes meds and sleep all day I would leave and not look back and not have any guilty feelings. You are an extremely strong person and have been thru a lot.
Good points, and what I was trying to say as well...
xoxoxoxo
IZZY'SMOM
Good points, and what I was trying to say as well...
xoxoxoxo
IZZY'SMOM
slipperyslope
01-07-2007, 09:57 AM
One thing I wanted to mention is that your husband needs a " grabber" this is a device used to pick things up off the floor without bending down, it has prongs on the end so you can pick up things that are light. I use one all the time and I have one every room, there is no excuse for this man to drop things and leave them on the floor for you to pick up, now there will be no excuse if he has one. And allowing the animals to deficate in the home is totally un excusable and disgusting. not to mention un sanitary. That would send me over the edge for sure., dog urine really stinks! I feel REALLY bad for you and for your husband and I do hope he gets some help or that you do leave him, what are your choices really.
This is no way to live and my heart goes out to you... I really think he is over medicated trying to drown out his pain and miserable life with his meds, so he pounds down the pain meds to avoid his pain and than sleeps all day in depression and over medicated... I have heard that Methadone can make people very sleepy and since we know he has abused in the past do to running out early, he might be taking more than prescribed even...
Get him a few grabbers and put one in each room so he can pick up after himself. He also needs to get a life and find some hobbies that he enjoys even if its while he sits in the house, drawing, or something where he uses his brain and gets some stimulation. He has to do something besides sleep all day as that would make anyone depressed, and it makes you feel worthless, I am sure he is hurting inside and feels horrible about himself.
Keep us posted and let us know how things are going for him.
SS
This is no way to live and my heart goes out to you... I really think he is over medicated trying to drown out his pain and miserable life with his meds, so he pounds down the pain meds to avoid his pain and than sleeps all day in depression and over medicated... I have heard that Methadone can make people very sleepy and since we know he has abused in the past do to running out early, he might be taking more than prescribed even...
Get him a few grabbers and put one in each room so he can pick up after himself. He also needs to get a life and find some hobbies that he enjoys even if its while he sits in the house, drawing, or something where he uses his brain and gets some stimulation. He has to do something besides sleep all day as that would make anyone depressed, and it makes you feel worthless, I am sure he is hurting inside and feels horrible about himself.
Keep us posted and let us know how things are going for him.
SS
Magikmakr
01-07-2007, 04:05 PM
Hello Jaguar. I can feel your frustration and anxiety. I don't know how you have coped for as long as you have. I would like say that the person who is being hurt the most right now is your daughter. Seeing her dad treating himself and you as he is must be killing her. Her sense of 'normal' is urine in a bottle and dog feces on the floor. I am sure that you are trying very hard to be a loving supportive mother to her but I am scared. She is sleeping every afternnoon after she gets picked up from the bus? Laying next to her dad that has no life or ambition? Does she think what you represent is what she has to look forward to when she becomes a wife & mother? I am not advocating 'leaving him' but I think a break - mayby going to live with your parents if they are still here - (you mentioned his family) would do both of you well. You could still stay involved in his life in case he does go off the deep end. With as much of your emotions tied up in your husbands lack of love for life, I am afraid that your daughter is not only missing a life with her dad but with you as well. A little break will give you clarity on what you need to do for yourself. As far as the Dr. I would tell your hubby that you plan to call him. When he reacts you can tell him that you would rather hear what is going on from him, but that you WILL find out what is going on, one way or the other. Tell him that you are at the end of your rope and scared and you plan to save his life. It IS your husband's life you are talking about. I wouldn't wait another day - for your daughter's sake. I loved the quote - you teach people how to treat you. Don't treat yourself like this anymore. You deserve to share a life with your daughter and hopefully with your husband without his medical issues robbing every second. I wish you well. Marion
IZZY'SMOM
01-08-2007, 08:03 PM
Hey Jaguar!~
How are you? Please let us know if there is anything we can do. I hope you and your daughter are doing ok, and that maybe your hubby is doing better as well. Been Thinking of you !~:wave: :wave:
xoxoxoxox
IZZY'SMOM
How are you? Please let us know if there is anything we can do. I hope you and your daughter are doing ok, and that maybe your hubby is doing better as well. Been Thinking of you !~:wave: :wave:
xoxoxoxox
IZZY'SMOM
BrittleBones
01-08-2007, 08:14 PM
Hi Marion - I just wanted to say how great your post was! Words well written and I hope that Jaguar reads them over and over again! And, I hope she knows how many people care for her. KathyMac
jaguar63122
01-09-2007, 11:03 AM
Hello everyone...Thanks for checking in with me. My husband stayed in bed all weekend, and again when I came home from work yesterday he and my daughter were in bed. I asked my daughter and she said "Daddy made me go lay down and watch cartoons in the bedroom. Which in return she falls to sleep. Me and my husband are not communicating and haven't since he asked to work things out and then when I returned from work on Tuesday last week he was in bed, and the usual around the house. I decided then that if he really wanted to try....that he would have given some effort at that time. I aslo told him then that he had given up on life, and untill he decided he wanted to live our marriage would never work. So I guess in his eyes I have given up on our marriage, which I really kinda have. Which in return has made him even more depressed. Problem with my husband is that you can not talk about things to him without him getting angry and saying really mean and hurtfull things. So my defense is not talking to him at all. If I mention anything about the house, he will tell me that I am a lazy b----, and that I taught him to be the way he is. If I mention about my daughter and sleeping after school, he will go and tell me to put her in the after school program then. My husband collects guns..which adds to my concerns. With the drugs and depression, I worry about him hurting himself, or me and my daughter. My daughter is not of my husband, but he has been around since she was 6 weeks old, and she calls him daddy and he looks to her as his. I am living in misery everyday, and do not know what to do. I have no family close, and no friends to stay with. If I move out, and get a place of my own, he will not pay the mortgage. He said he would let it forclose..and he would because he would not have the money to pay mortgage and everything. I can however pay for everything....but he will not move out. So if I leave I loose everything. If I stay..I am slowly dying inside...and really kinda scared. I want to run run run and not look back, but I know I can't. I don't care to sell the house and split everything....but I can't sell the house with him living in it. I am scheduled to see a lawyer today...but not sure if I am ready to go through with it. Another problem I have is that even though my husband was disabled before we got married and we have been married less than 4 years, I am being told that I will have to pay him support. Because I make more money than him. Only for as many years as we have been married though. So the long I try...the more it is going to cost me in the end. So to sum it up......I have not been intimate with my husband since the week before we married. He has contributed nothing to the maintence of the home. He is mean and hatefull..not only to me, but his whole family. He delibertly makes my life harder by doing things delibertly around the house that he knows..that I will have to clean. I pay 3/4 of the bills. Most of his money goes to medication. And this was the final straw that broke my soul. My father lives 2 hours away and he had a shooting behind his house 2 weeks ago. He was scared and ask if he could come stay a couple nights with me. I told my husband and he told me that my father could not come and stay with us. I needed to take Bryanna and go up there and stay with him. So because my husband did nt want to be bothered with a "guest". I feel he put me and my daughters life in jepardy. My father lives in not so nice area...and seems to have a drug dealer living newxt door. So I think Im willing to help my husband, but I am going to help myself first. Now I got to figure out how to do it. Do I leave just for peace of mind. (It would feel so good to be out of the situation) Or do I stay strong and try to stay in the house??? PLease give advice???? Thanks again.....
rosequartz
01-09-2007, 11:09 AM
I'm glad you're talking to a lawyer. Please ask him all your questions. I think if you leave the home and move out that you will forfeit some of your rights. If you're not happy with the first lawyer, talk to a second lawyer. I talked to 4 lawyers before I decided on which one to use for my divorce. I'm sorry it's come to this, but you've done all you can and you can't sacrifice any more of your life, your time, and your happiness for this man. Good luck to you, and things will get better. You just have to go thru it, and come out the other side. You can do it, you're a strong lady.
:angel:
:angel:
ejreiss
01-09-2007, 12:49 PM
If you got divorced it is obvious who would get full custody of your daughter. That is another expense you will have that your husband will not. This may help you out with divorce settlement and mean you may not have to pay him anything even though you make more than him. How does he make money? Is he getting ss disability or long term disability. Just because you are paying 3/4
of house bills dosn't mean you are making 75% of family income. His meds that he is paying for is an expense to your family as a whole now also. I still would try and help your husband out as best as possible. However in the long run this is no environment for your daughter to be in if he does not seem willing to help himself. I ask again what tests have been done to him to determine that there is nothing left medically to be done to him. Maybe if he went thru these simple tests and had a definite answer as to all of his options he would choose to get more help than he is getting now. I can't see how anyone would want to continue living the way he is. At some point he has to stop feeling sorry for himself and try to resolve this in some other way. If he is truly in pain and not just a drug addict he would want to try and resolve the pain so he can restore function. If he is depressed then he should want to resolve that at some point after realizing how useless he is. There just has to be some meaning to his life in order for him to get over his depression and that is never going to happen if he lies in bed all day.
of house bills dosn't mean you are making 75% of family income. His meds that he is paying for is an expense to your family as a whole now also. I still would try and help your husband out as best as possible. However in the long run this is no environment for your daughter to be in if he does not seem willing to help himself. I ask again what tests have been done to him to determine that there is nothing left medically to be done to him. Maybe if he went thru these simple tests and had a definite answer as to all of his options he would choose to get more help than he is getting now. I can't see how anyone would want to continue living the way he is. At some point he has to stop feeling sorry for himself and try to resolve this in some other way. If he is truly in pain and not just a drug addict he would want to try and resolve the pain so he can restore function. If he is depressed then he should want to resolve that at some point after realizing how useless he is. There just has to be some meaning to his life in order for him to get over his depression and that is never going to happen if he lies in bed all day.
jaguar63122
01-09-2007, 01:25 PM
He has DDD. He had a spinal fusion. Still had pain, so DR. went in to remove the hardware thinking that was what was causing pain. After that he was still in pain. Dr. mentioned going back in and seeing what was causing pain, husband refused. So his Dr. sent him to pain specialist saying there was no more he could do besides doing another surgury. So since then (3 1/2 years ago) he has been treated for pain with medicine. With research I've learned that the best pain solution is usually not just 1 thing but many things. So I asked his DR. about Physical Therapy, Counseling, Bio Feedback, etc... and he stated to me that he only treats with medication. I have made new appointments for my husband pushing him to see other DR.'s. I have researched medtronics and other options only to be told that he is not interested. I have begged and pleaded for him to seek another opinion until Im blue in the face. For 3 years I have been on this site posting and printing so he could see that he wasn't the only one in pain that there are other people just like him. I urged him to get online and post and talk about his feeling on here. I truely feel I have gave 100%. I don't do it anymore, because I gave up on helping him. I am like you why would you want to live in pain. If it was me I would travel the country looking for someone that could help me. I can't even get him to go to a top spinal clinic that is 2 hours away. Thanks....jaguar
IZZY'SMOM
01-09-2007, 04:07 PM
Hi Jag~
Im glad to hear from you, only i was hoping that things might have made even a small turn. You did the right thing by at least meeting with a lawyer. That way you can find out YOUR rights, and whats best for you and your daughter in the short term of all of this. Then plan out long term, but Id think its in both your best defense to live in a better environment.
Wait until your daughter slips up, unintentionally at school, or wonders why she cant have friends over, and you would have social services making a house call. I know theyd do that here where I live. And you dont want to run the risk of losing your daughter because your hubby is a loser.If my husband called me a lazy b---- while he was lying in filth in bed,or anytime for that matter, Id probably be using his gun collection on him before HE could. Who does he think he is. How disgusting. I hope you take your daughter and get out. Girls grow up to choose men for themselves that they feel comfortable with, and if your daughter is living with a man who is such a pig to you, then she will think its normal, and end up with the same kind of abuse. Is that what you want for her? I know its not, but there are ways to get out. Believe women all over the world do it every day, and you can too.
It appears that you are in a boat with one oar, and headed downstream. Youve got to do something, and it honestly doesnt seem like your hubby is going to do anything. Im sure it hurts, and no one said this will be any fun, but it sounds like you a very strong lady, and I know you make it thru. I cannot believe someone would be so spiteful and hateful to leave dog crap on the floor for you to pick up. Just because hes given up, doesnt mean he should take you with him, and thats EXACTLY what it seems to me hes doing. Hes miserable, and wants everyone else to be as well. I wish you could run and never look back, really.
Shes your first priority, and I believe you know that. I got pregnent with my son, married his father, and divorced all within 4 years, and my family was half way around the world. Not a soul, nor a friend to turn to at that point of my life. So I understand how alone you must feel, but when you get the ball rolling for you and your daughter, you willl feel so empowered, that you wont believe it.
If you have no choice but to sell the house, then hubby will have to move out, i believe, whether he goes on his own or on the u-haul truck of the lucky buyer.
I have more to write, but I know you will get tons of answers from your attorney. Write down everything you can think of and take it. Dont be afraid to ask everything. If he cant even go to a doc appt, ect. I doubt hes going to contest you. Dont you? Id hate to be in your shoes, but there is light at the end. Im happily married now for 5 years with a wonderful, amazing son, and hubby who adores us. He never gives me anything but support being a CP patient. I hope you find the same, you and your daughter deserve it.~:angel: :angel: :angel:
xoxoxoxoxox
IZZY'SMOM
Im glad to hear from you, only i was hoping that things might have made even a small turn. You did the right thing by at least meeting with a lawyer. That way you can find out YOUR rights, and whats best for you and your daughter in the short term of all of this. Then plan out long term, but Id think its in both your best defense to live in a better environment.
Wait until your daughter slips up, unintentionally at school, or wonders why she cant have friends over, and you would have social services making a house call. I know theyd do that here where I live. And you dont want to run the risk of losing your daughter because your hubby is a loser.If my husband called me a lazy b---- while he was lying in filth in bed,or anytime for that matter, Id probably be using his gun collection on him before HE could. Who does he think he is. How disgusting. I hope you take your daughter and get out. Girls grow up to choose men for themselves that they feel comfortable with, and if your daughter is living with a man who is such a pig to you, then she will think its normal, and end up with the same kind of abuse. Is that what you want for her? I know its not, but there are ways to get out. Believe women all over the world do it every day, and you can too.
It appears that you are in a boat with one oar, and headed downstream. Youve got to do something, and it honestly doesnt seem like your hubby is going to do anything. Im sure it hurts, and no one said this will be any fun, but it sounds like you a very strong lady, and I know you make it thru. I cannot believe someone would be so spiteful and hateful to leave dog crap on the floor for you to pick up. Just because hes given up, doesnt mean he should take you with him, and thats EXACTLY what it seems to me hes doing. Hes miserable, and wants everyone else to be as well. I wish you could run and never look back, really.
Shes your first priority, and I believe you know that. I got pregnent with my son, married his father, and divorced all within 4 years, and my family was half way around the world. Not a soul, nor a friend to turn to at that point of my life. So I understand how alone you must feel, but when you get the ball rolling for you and your daughter, you willl feel so empowered, that you wont believe it.
If you have no choice but to sell the house, then hubby will have to move out, i believe, whether he goes on his own or on the u-haul truck of the lucky buyer.
I have more to write, but I know you will get tons of answers from your attorney. Write down everything you can think of and take it. Dont be afraid to ask everything. If he cant even go to a doc appt, ect. I doubt hes going to contest you. Dont you? Id hate to be in your shoes, but there is light at the end. Im happily married now for 5 years with a wonderful, amazing son, and hubby who adores us. He never gives me anything but support being a CP patient. I hope you find the same, you and your daughter deserve it.~:angel: :angel: :angel:
xoxoxoxoxox
IZZY'SMOM
IZZY'SMOM
01-09-2007, 08:56 PM
"I have begged and pleaded for him to seek another opinion until Im blue in the face. For 3 years I have been on this site posting and printing so he could see that he wasn't the only one in pain that there are other people just like him. I urged him to get online and post and talk about his feeling on here."
Show him the posts weve all written....
You have begged him for 3 years...
"Sometimes you have to change the course of the ship to get to a better place"~
xoxoxoxoxo
IZZY'SMOM
Show him the posts weve all written....
You have begged him for 3 years...
"Sometimes you have to change the course of the ship to get to a better place"~
xoxoxoxoxo
IZZY'SMOM
tbmbjm
01-10-2007, 09:34 AM
I agree that your husband needs help. It sounds as though he is severely depressed. I don't understand why he won't allow you to go to the doctor with him. Has he ever talked of not wanting to live? If so, you could talk with a psychiatrist ,who could then go through the court to have him forcefully,admitted to a mental health unit,where maybe he could start receiving the treatment he needs. If someone states they "don't want to live anymore" or "I feel like just ending it all"....those are suicidal statements and a spouse can have them,against their will,admitted to a mental health facility. If he has made any suicidal statements,I urge you to call a psychiatrist immediately. With the right medication and counseling,maybe he could start being able to cope and function with his pain. [removed] I am in severe pain daily,on strong narcotics. Some days are worse than others. On my good days,I can do dishes,laundry,make meals,do the bills. On my bad days,I don't hardly want to get out of the bed! I honestly hurt to bad to even bathe! I can't imagine if all my days were like that,as your husbands seems to be. Please let us know how things go.
jaguar63122
01-10-2007, 03:25 PM
My husband has never stated or mentioned that he didn't want to live anymore. As I posted earlier I haven't talked with my husband since last Tuesday. Last Tuesday he asked me if I wanted to try and make this work, or did I want a divorse. He said that he remembered we use to be happy and that is why he wanted to keep trying. I told him that we use to be happy, when he still thought he would have a life. And until he decided he wanted to live again and stop giving up in life, we would never be happy. I cried and showed emotion durning our conversation. My daughter got up, so we stopped the conversation, and I had to get her ready for school and get off to work myself. I expected to come home last Tuesday to diner, and a show of some effort to make this work. He was in bed again, and didn't get up until I went to bed. This went on all week. I guess he figured those words would make me happy and life would go back to normal, but it didn't. All weekend he didn't talk to me, nor did I try and talk to him. And it is going on again this week. I'm not mad...Im not giving him the silent treatment. I just have nothing to say to him. I feel like the ball is in his court and he needs to tell me what he wants to do. Show me that he wants to change. Get help..whatever that help will be...or call it quits. I have emotionally called it quits, but if he showed me effort for imprvement I could have a change of heart. I would try and talk to him, but I know what kind of response I will get. And Im scared to try and initiate conversation. What do I do? I feel he should be making extra efforts...not me always having to put all the effort in. I would love to be able to sit down and talk like adults, and if he refuses help, I would like to discuss a uncontested divorse. I can't figure out why I am so scared of him? I guess because of all the hurtfull words he uses when he gets mad, even though they are not punches to the face...there is always so much anger in him that I'm always afraid it could turn into that. How do lawyers expect you to live in a house with someone you are divorsing? It is irrational to me. So now I have to live in the house with my daughter, and my mad husband. I still have to clean up after him daily because he is to lazy, and you can't let trash lay on the floor, and dishes stay in the sink. And just to get this off my chest...I can clean the guest bathroom spic and span, and then he will go in the bathroom and put baby powder down his pants and let it fall all over the bathroom floor. So everyday I have to wipe it up. I asked about 2 weeks ago..will you please just lay a towel down on the floor, then all I have to do is pick up the towel. I have asked him to do it in our bathroom where if we did have a guest they would not see. He agreed, and the next day there it layed. Didn't change a thing. He has flat out told me that he does these things delibertly. So everytime I look at him I see that errogant, mean, and vendictive person. If it wasn't for the house I'd be long gone. I feel so trapped and depressed. Thanks for listening to me again. Don't mean to rattle on, but it feels good to tell my side!!! jaguar
IZZY'SMOM
01-10-2007, 06:54 PM
Jag~
Im going to give you the answers youve been asking for. ok?
First he has told you that he does these things out of being an A**, second, hes bullying you because he knows you are scared of him, and you are his meal ticket.
Third, lawyers DO NOT expect you to live with someone u are divorcing...its called a separation agreement, and most parties split into two households.
Fourth, if you keep giving what you are giving, youll keep getting what you're getting. Remember, he even TOLD you8 that youve taught him to treat you this way...Id have taken him out.
I know you feel trapped, but he is making you feel that way. So you bust your butt so noone knows how you live for fear of your daughter being taken away. If you arent living like that NOW, you should be.
I have come to the conclusion after posting here a ton, and weighing the differences that your husband is a cruel, mean, heartless jerk. And you should get rid of him, for your sake and your daughter....but when I see that of course youd like to have SOME sort of sign that hed change, and he ISNT...and you still would work things out, I feel like IM talking until Im blue in the face, and maybe this is something youll just have to go thru until it gets even worse.
Im sure I come across as harsh, ect. but you know, it only gets prolonged, and hes basically told you in every way unless you want a billboard on the highway 100 ft high, that HE DOESNT CARE!
That blows, and you're allowing him to treat you like crap. AND he knows it, AND it doesnt bother him. In fact, it sound like he LIKES it.
UGH~
Good Luck~ I, and others are here for you, and if you decide to make some changes, we are all here for you more than you know, ok? Keep us posted!~
xoxoxoxox
IZZY'SMOM
Im going to give you the answers youve been asking for. ok?
First he has told you that he does these things out of being an A**, second, hes bullying you because he knows you are scared of him, and you are his meal ticket.
Third, lawyers DO NOT expect you to live with someone u are divorcing...its called a separation agreement, and most parties split into two households.
Fourth, if you keep giving what you are giving, youll keep getting what you're getting. Remember, he even TOLD you8 that youve taught him to treat you this way...Id have taken him out.
I know you feel trapped, but he is making you feel that way. So you bust your butt so noone knows how you live for fear of your daughter being taken away. If you arent living like that NOW, you should be.
I have come to the conclusion after posting here a ton, and weighing the differences that your husband is a cruel, mean, heartless jerk. And you should get rid of him, for your sake and your daughter....but when I see that of course youd like to have SOME sort of sign that hed change, and he ISNT...and you still would work things out, I feel like IM talking until Im blue in the face, and maybe this is something youll just have to go thru until it gets even worse.
Im sure I come across as harsh, ect. but you know, it only gets prolonged, and hes basically told you in every way unless you want a billboard on the highway 100 ft high, that HE DOESNT CARE!
That blows, and you're allowing him to treat you like crap. AND he knows it, AND it doesnt bother him. In fact, it sound like he LIKES it.
UGH~
Good Luck~ I, and others are here for you, and if you decide to make some changes, we are all here for you more than you know, ok? Keep us posted!~
xoxoxoxox
IZZY'SMOM
jaded7877
01-12-2007, 07:43 PM
I feel for you. I have a husband that is in pain everyday, and even though he does work, it is very hard to coupe with. I am lucky if i get to make love with him once an month, but he does try. It was'nt always like that though. It does sound like he has given up and maybe you need to say to him either you try or I'm leaving. It worked for me. I love my husband with all my heart just like you, but some times we can enable them to give up, by helping to much. It's hard to do this but for you and him it might be the best thing. Even if he starts to try, there will be some bad days for both of you, but it's all up to him. Don't feel bad if you have to leave. You might be helping him. I hope you all the best and will pray for you. :angel: