I am new to this board, but figured with all the "blogs" and info people can share on the web, I'd find one to be able to vent and/or assure myself I'm not alone.

I started with a grand mal seizure that occured while I was sleeping in (late 2001 or early 2002, can't remember for sure). Since then, I have had about three "episodes," or groups of grand mal and petite mal seizures that went to the point of my requiring hospitalization. I was told that my seizures could have been fever-induced, since I was sick and bed-ridden for several days before the very first time (so I am told, again, I have no way to remember or know for sure). My second one occurred while I was sleeping, again, seemilgly out of nowhere. Recently I gave birth to my first child (at the age of 34) and had several (both grand mal and petite mal while in the hospital with the baby, and then several strong petit mal ones at home shortly afterward and needed to be hospitalized for a few days again.

The gaps in my memories of those blocks of time when seizures occurred annoy me, but it's not the end of the world. The impossible thing for me to deal with is the constant short-term memory loss that seems to be getting worse! It is scaring and embarrassing me to the point of staying home in my room and not wanting to come out. I WOULD even have thoughts of suicide, if I wasn't convinced that my daughter needs me, and seeing her grow up is worth any suffering I could possibly endure.

I have read several posts on here about the memory loss, but still, I feel like I just want to bang my head into the wall for trying to live with it. My mom and friends tell me to just "calm down" and that they understand, but in the very next breath they say something, sigh, or get this look on their face that makes me feel even more frustrated. It's hard enough for me to have to experience it myself, but then to accept or realize what they must be feeling. Frustration to the extreme, and I even wonder sometimes if they don't think I am faking it or using it as an excuse...

On the other side of the coin, I sometimes feel like THEY change things they have said, plans we have made, or appointments I supposedly "forgot about," because it seems SO lost. I try and try to figure something that happened or was said or done about the time of what I forgot, and sometimes I can vaguely jog my memory and get it back. Other times, it is just plain gone for good.

If this is confusing, I will give concrete examples: I found a card on the kitchen counter for my parents upcoming anniversary. I looked at it, read it, and told my husband how nice it was that he had thought to get them a card. He told me that I had bought it. I looked at it again and again. He told me the store, the date and about the time of day we were there. He even told me other items we purchsed with it. Still, no idea or memory of it whatsoever.

Then there's his constantly changing work schedule. I'm home on maternity leave, so I'm constantly planning appointments and other travel needs (shopping, visits with family or friends) around it. (They won't let me drive, which I agree with, especially with the baby in the car with me)! I'd swear just this week he had told me that his next day off wasn't all the way until Sunday! I remember feeling frustrated last Saturday, thinking how I'd be stuck in the house all week... Then just today he told me before heading out the door to work that he'd made a doctor's appointment for the baby tomorrow. Before it could dawn on me to ask, he was out the door. I checked his schedule on the fridge, and sure enough! He's off tomorrow and Saturday this week!

I feel like I'm losing it! Not just my mind, but my life!

I was always the one with the keen memory in the family. Mom would call ME to ask about fights someone had and what exactly was said from TEN YEARS ago, and I'd know the answer immediately. Now I'll be in the middle of a sentence and forget the next word I was saying, what I was saying altogether or even accidentally say something else! (I could be talking about my husband and for some reason, my ex-boyfriend from high school's name comes out, without my even realizing it)! My very low self-esteemed husband would FREAK if I accidentally called him another name, which sends me into this concious hyper-awareness every time I call his name. Yesterday, someone asked me what city I lived in, and for the life of me, had no clue. I wonder if people don't think I'm nuts or on drugs, etc.

I have to depend on everyone else and even a piece of paper. I was always such an independent and self-confident person. Now it's like I don't know who I am, or who I am supposed to be! How does anyone handle this? I've always had great respect for Vietnam Veterans, who had to live with impossible to erase, horrible memories. Or those living with diabetes or kidney problems that had to spend several hours a day monitoring their every move or meal. I had never thought LOSING several hours a day, week or month would be just as bad, but it is. Maybe worse. At least they can keep their identity.

Please help!

My memory is horrible too! We have compared it to the onset of altimers. I'm at the point where I may not remember things that happened weeks to a month ago. These memorys are gone too, someone will try to tell me where we went, what we did and who was there, but it's a complete blank to me!

I know what you are going through! After my first sez which was a grand mal and I was in the hospital for over a month I didn't know who anyone was. I lost at least 10 years of memory. I didn't even know who my boyfriend at the time was. I had to ask my best friend who the guy that kept comming in the room telling me that he loved me was!

The job that I was working at when I had the frist sez is gone. I didn't know I was even there. I didn't know I was living on my own, and I didn't even know who my pets were.

Anything that had happened in that ten year period had basiclly been erased. There are some things that I will remember, but not much.
I keep a pocket calander and write down what I did during the day. Even if it's just stupid things like going to the grocery store. I also use post it tabs to mark improtant events.

I drive my family crazy because I will tell them the same story several time during the day. And we laugh because there is no such thing as a repeat of a tv show for me. We watch alot of the cop shows and I try to figure out who the killer is (we had already watched it, but that means nothing to me!)

Try keeping the calander journal. I know that this has helped me alot. I still don't remember the things that happened, but at least I know that they did happen!

I sure can feel for you and memory problems but I think I've either gotten used to it or just worked around it. I keep a pocket calendarfor daily events and a wall calendar in my room. I also keep a stack of spiral notebooks next to my computer to write things down because I know I won't remember them. My kids are adults now but I went in for a VEEG a few years ago and my son told me to make sure I wrote down all my usernames and passwords because I would never remember anything.
I went into status epilepticus when I was still married and my wife came in with my kids and I called her mom and my kids by my brother's and sister's names. I don't remember doing it but I do believe I did.
I can't remember my nephew's names. One of the nurses at the neurosciences clinic told me to write thier names on my fingers according to how tall they are, I just wait for somebody else to say thier names.
After having a seizure or a cluster, I forget time, it depends on how many I have.
I'm also a type 1 diabetic and have to remember to take my insulin and watch my diet, I have managed to make it the past 20 years by writing things down. Good luck and you'll be in my prayers. Jeff

I know what you mean. Im 16 and Ive been on Trileptal for 2 years and have had a few seizures and now I am on Keppra. Ive been soo frustrated with my memory loss. Especially since Im in high school and my grades had gone down since i cant remember anything i study for my tests. It is so frustrating but that is why I am switching to Keppra. I havent been on it for too long but i seem to be able to concentrate a little more in class but it hasnt improved too much. Mayb talk to your neuro about getting switched to another medication. My friends try to understand but sometimes get frustrated with me if I cant remember them saying a certain thing to me.. and I usually forget who I have told what to so they get a little irritated when i retell them something they have heard from me a few times by then. I hope it gets better! I dont know if I helped you, but at least you will know that you are not alone with this. You will be in my prayers. God Bless.

Hows it goin Poochie - yes your losin it darl - me too :) - I've had several Grand mal seizures over the years - i think maybe even when i was a child i would wake up with a bitten tongue and a wet bed, but would hide it cauz i didn't want mum 2 know - anyway fast forward thirty years and the seizures have really kicked in - your not alone darl my memory is shot to hell - but what can u do - sounds simple yes but your story is my story mate - forgettin what I'm sayin half way through a sentence - talkin to my partner and sayin did I just say that - "Yes love " he often answers - goin to the shops and someone will *** up and say how's it goin gail and I'll think bugga who the hell r u - oh and the short term memory what short term memory and after I've had an episode - in my case usually 6 to 8 grand mal seizures in a row before and during hospital admission I can't remember a thing or talk properly for that matter cause my tongues like mince meat (that part i really hate)- I even struggle to remember my daughters first day at school how bads that - thank god for photo's I say...
Anyway Poochie I know It's gettin to ya but if this is as bad as it gets well u know -we could of died years ago - but we didn't we're still kickin on and yes some people think we're nuts but to be honest u can't let that rule your life - we r stuck with this gig so we've got to make the most of it and I'll be damned if I'm gunna let it ruin my life - yes It's an inconvenience when u can't drive for 3 months after a seizure(well that's the law in Australia) but u know big deal - anyway u probably think who is this woman she sounds like a fruit well I am sometimes but u know life is good - get a calendar - write everything down in your diary - and most of all when ur family gets that look on their face or sigh when u say something stupid - put a smile on ur dial have a laugh and tell em they're very lucky to have u and don't you forget it.
Good luck to u mate + stop stressin u don't want to have anutha 1 do ya xxx

::shakes head in understanding::

I'd remember names and faces great before. Now I have people come up next to me and start talking to me, I'm thinking do I know this guy???? I had to ask one before. Turns out we had just chewed the fat and nothing more than that.

I can't remember my brother-inlaw's brothers names! I may see them a few times a year. But I remember crew names I worked with 6 years in a row for a week at a festival. Different meds back then.

Why did my mind (memory) turn to mush? I don't know. It's the same with the passing of time (days). It seems to drag in my perception. People will ask me the year, Heck if I remember. I can tell you the time for Greenwich (UTC) compared to where I am, what the pressure is outside, temp, how to convert it from Centigrate to Fahrenheit, convert Knots to MPH; (use those all the time!) but why can't I remember the dang date/year?!

I even remembered some antiquated computer code that is not even used today... well, rarely used I found out when I worked on a webpage for the first time.

I have to use a computer calander for appointments and events. Even use it to log seizures as well as a paper pocker book. Comes in handy or by now I would have forgotten about a partial shipment I recieved back in September. I have to keep on their case hopefully to recieve the other half of the order.

I've given up on memory improving as well as my energy level. There are some options. However the main one I will avoid, even though it is natural. It (not a commercial product) has risks of seizures so I don't want to add in any possible problems when one already exists.

--Travis

I have memory loss, but not as extensive as you have all described. My husband tells me of trips we took and things we did, and I can't remember any of the specifics. I forget my keys every day. Even my kids joke about it. I think they take advantage, by saying I told them they could do something, when I suspect I didn't! :-)

My dad is exactly in the same situation as you. he has also been loud and confident and now he is a shadow of who he was. he hardly goes out anymore and has had to phone my mum while shopping to get him because he emptyed a freezer in a shop before he realised what he was doing.(probably a petit mal.) He has always been exceptionally intelligent to the point of coming second on 15-1 quiz show. He remembers things he reads forever but since being diognosed about 16 mths ago he has rapidly gone downhill he is withdrawn depressed and can't recall even simple words when he wants to say a sentence. he does not remember who he has had certain conversations with or when appointments are or even what day it is half the time. He has said he would rather kill himself then live like this but i have told him how much my children need their grandfather around and how much we all love him. I keep telling him that eventually they will be able to get him back to a good standard of life with the right med but i am not sure if he will ever be the same again. whether the damage is permanant to his memory or if it will get better if they can control the siezures. I am so scared of what the future holds for my dad as he is having grandmals up to 5 times a week. I don't think he can take much more and the meds are making him feel really bad.
your not alone in this and i know it is frustrating but try to keep your spirits high and tell the doctors how u feel. Don't do anything silly because i am sure your family and young daughter need u in their lives.