lost2007
01-14-2007, 02:23 AM
I am new to this forum and am totally ashamed at myself. I suffer from depression and have also had an incident of where my lover left me waiting for him all day, but letting me believe that he would turn up, it upset me to the core of my soul and I cried and cried and felt suicidal. I spoke to him on msn and really just wanted to hear him say sorry. i waited and waited so i ended up typing and typing all of my feeligs and went a bit over the top. At the end I felt so awful i said i wanted to kill myself etc etc.
I went to bed crying and fell asleep, i woke up in the morning and felt so bad and stupid that he now had all this info about my inner most feelings that i text him and told him that i had taken an overdose and been discharged from hospital and that for my health it was not a good idea to ever see him again or for him to ever contact me again even to say hi.
I think i said that as well because i need a way to stay away from him myself.
I feel broken, lost and i dont know why i have done this to myself... Please can you tell me if i have some kind of disorder.?
I went to bed crying and fell asleep, i woke up in the morning and felt so bad and stupid that he now had all this info about my inner most feelings that i text him and told him that i had taken an overdose and been discharged from hospital and that for my health it was not a good idea to ever see him again or for him to ever contact me again even to say hi.
I think i said that as well because i need a way to stay away from him myself.
I feel broken, lost and i dont know why i have done this to myself... Please can you tell me if i have some kind of disorder.?
Sponsor
Sannah
01-14-2007, 05:08 PM
Lost, sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. Are you getting treatment (therapy) for your depression? I think that you are really selling yourself short waiting on someone who isn't very committed and then putting all of your happiness in him. Don't you feel that you deserve better? Also, remember it is a good thing if you can learn to be happy all by yourself (that you don't have to have a bf to be happy).
lost2007
01-15-2007, 01:24 AM
Sannah
Thankyou for repsponding I didnt think anyone would. I will be startting CBT in a couple of weeks and I hope that it will help. I cant explain I feel bereft and sadly he is not my BF, he is married. 6 years I have been hanging on because I felt that even though the cirumstances were bad it was just a meant to be thing. You cant help who you love. I did everything thing I could to be decent abou his marriage and I tried and tried so hard, I would not sleep with him, i thought that would make it easier... who was I kidding..? In 6 years we only slept together when he left his wife and left for 3 months. He went back, I was gutted and since he went back it has been horrible horribe.
I feel like an idiot, I feel ashamed, I feel that I know he cant make me happy, and as previous post I did something pretty drastic to try and prevent me from contacting him again or him me. I know he would not have taken well to a message telling him I have tried to take my own life, he will see it as a weak and pathetic thing to do, I know this, I feel pretty athetic now. Why do I get so intense? I always do about everything, I analyse everything to death and I always have and I dont want to, I just want to be free and easy without these constant negative thoughts. I feel suicidal say 4 months in a year and this time I can only say it is pretty intense.
Im sorry to blab on but I am so unhappy and unhinged.
Thankyou for repsponding I didnt think anyone would. I will be startting CBT in a couple of weeks and I hope that it will help. I cant explain I feel bereft and sadly he is not my BF, he is married. 6 years I have been hanging on because I felt that even though the cirumstances were bad it was just a meant to be thing. You cant help who you love. I did everything thing I could to be decent abou his marriage and I tried and tried so hard, I would not sleep with him, i thought that would make it easier... who was I kidding..? In 6 years we only slept together when he left his wife and left for 3 months. He went back, I was gutted and since he went back it has been horrible horribe.
I feel like an idiot, I feel ashamed, I feel that I know he cant make me happy, and as previous post I did something pretty drastic to try and prevent me from contacting him again or him me. I know he would not have taken well to a message telling him I have tried to take my own life, he will see it as a weak and pathetic thing to do, I know this, I feel pretty athetic now. Why do I get so intense? I always do about everything, I analyse everything to death and I always have and I dont want to, I just want to be free and easy without these constant negative thoughts. I feel suicidal say 4 months in a year and this time I can only say it is pretty intense.
Im sorry to blab on but I am so unhappy and unhinged.
li_low
01-15-2007, 02:09 AM
Hey there. Its okay I have acted like this too. I think its when control of a situation is being lost so we go over board with our words and dont really mean to say as much as we did! I have never felt suicidal as I am frightened of dying but I can relate to the most part of what you are going through. I analyse too and get to the point where I have analysed a situation and completely turned the whole situation into something it was not! Oh dear. Keep in touch :)
Sannah
01-15-2007, 04:08 PM
Lost, yes, counseling should help you understand yourself better. Good luck to you.
merjn
01-15-2007, 11:01 PM
What I tried to do when I felt suicidal in the past, was try to change the direction of my goals. I would sit down and write a couple goals down and read them...Visualize them inside my head for a couple of minutes.
This used to work for me but I think I lost faith in it.
Just remember you have to look through the problem and know one day you will find someone that "you" will be happy with.
When a race car driver is about to hit the wall they tell em to look to-wards where they want to be not where the problem is. I know it is easier typed then done, but it really did work for most of my life, just in a rut thats all
Peace be with you.. Its Ok to feel...
This used to work for me but I think I lost faith in it.
Just remember you have to look through the problem and know one day you will find someone that "you" will be happy with.
When a race car driver is about to hit the wall they tell em to look to-wards where they want to be not where the problem is. I know it is easier typed then done, but it really did work for most of my life, just in a rut thats all
Peace be with you.. Its Ok to feel...