ICC
01-22-2007, 04:26 PM
triggers:
1) death
2) phony, ignorant, mean, nasty, selfish people
3) trouble makers, people who invade my privacy
4) those that wear the "mask of friendship" to eventually use my weaknesses against me for their own gains.
obstacles:
1) emotional instability ( i called it emotional immaturity once and my therapist felt I wasn't immature at 5 years old)
2)having unreliable, non-supportive people in my life at all. Recognizing them.
3) getting back to my "gut" and seeing through those that shouldn't be a part of my life. Getting rid of those I don't need in my life.
4) having a hard time taking care of myself when someone else needs me and NOT putting them first.
5) building boundaries!!! knowing when to and how to.
6) knowing what i feel without spending days trying to figure it out, knowing the difference in how hurt, anger, sadness feel and which is which.
7) patience with myself and the rest of the world.
8) learning how to feel and not getting scared. feel, accept and get on with it. learning how to live, laugh, love again
9) being comfortable being in peace. not waiting everyday for the other shoe to drop. just letting it drop where it may.
This is all a part of me right now that I am trying to figure out. contractors are almost gone for the day and my bubbles are waiting. will be back later.
Love to all,
ICC:)
1) death
2) phony, ignorant, mean, nasty, selfish people
3) trouble makers, people who invade my privacy
4) those that wear the "mask of friendship" to eventually use my weaknesses against me for their own gains.
obstacles:
1) emotional instability ( i called it emotional immaturity once and my therapist felt I wasn't immature at 5 years old)
2)having unreliable, non-supportive people in my life at all. Recognizing them.
3) getting back to my "gut" and seeing through those that shouldn't be a part of my life. Getting rid of those I don't need in my life.
4) having a hard time taking care of myself when someone else needs me and NOT putting them first.
5) building boundaries!!! knowing when to and how to.
6) knowing what i feel without spending days trying to figure it out, knowing the difference in how hurt, anger, sadness feel and which is which.
7) patience with myself and the rest of the world.
8) learning how to feel and not getting scared. feel, accept and get on with it. learning how to live, laugh, love again
9) being comfortable being in peace. not waiting everyday for the other shoe to drop. just letting it drop where it may.
This is all a part of me right now that I am trying to figure out. contractors are almost gone for the day and my bubbles are waiting. will be back later.
Love to all,
ICC:)
Sponsor
stick2013
01-22-2007, 06:08 PM
Hi ICC,
Ok, so what have you decided now that you are squeaky clean, and full of Kenny G.... Which of your Triggers, or Obstacles do you want to work on first???? I presume that this IS the main problem that you are having lately right?????
So in order to tackle these, you have to figure out which one is most important, and work on that first. It's all about prioritizing, taking things slow, having PATIENCE, and being kind to yourself even if you walk into a few walls.(so to speak)
So which one is it?????
Hugs,
Sid
Ok, so what have you decided now that you are squeaky clean, and full of Kenny G.... Which of your Triggers, or Obstacles do you want to work on first???? I presume that this IS the main problem that you are having lately right?????
So in order to tackle these, you have to figure out which one is most important, and work on that first. It's all about prioritizing, taking things slow, having PATIENCE, and being kind to yourself even if you walk into a few walls.(so to speak)
So which one is it?????
Hugs,
Sid
ICC
01-22-2007, 07:35 PM
Sid---i am finally on my way to the bubbles. I would have to say emotional instability would have to be the biggest since I believe if I had that I would know how to react/not react accordingly. since i have been criticized for reacting and not reacting I think my emotional instability has alot to do with not being sure of myself anymore and where and how to draw boundaries. I want to protect myself but not isolate myself. the unsurety in myself I believe is a big problem. I feel like a child who doesn't know what to do without being led by the hand. right now i am at a stand still. i don't even know how to continue with my life.Where to begin. i feel like all I do is go to dr.s. what kind of life is that? I feel if i was emotionally stable I would know how to build boundaries and would be alot more comfortable, less afraid and life would be somewhat easier instead of being onguard all the time. I'll be back after the bubbles.
ICC:confused:
ICC:confused:
Phoenix
01-22-2007, 09:33 PM
Dear "ICY,"
We will talk tomorrow; definitely. Let me know when you feel comfortable enough to do so.
Take care all
God Bless all:angel:
FTM
We will talk tomorrow; definitely. Let me know when you feel comfortable enough to do so.
Take care all
God Bless all:angel:
FTM
hergy
01-23-2007, 02:25 AM
obstacles:
1) emotional instability ( i called it emotional immaturity once and my therapist felt I wasn't immature at 5 years old)
7) patience with myself and the rest of the world.
I realize we're working on these one at a time, but I think you're anxiety over emotional instability needs a bit of number 7, patience with yourself.
When I crammed for a test, I made an A. Did I remember the answers later? Nope. Don't rush.
No one else's criticism has anything to do with your own plight to find peace with yourself and your experiences. You have a right to be troubled, sometimes confused, sad, then to rise up and empower yourself. Sometimes you have to ignore the ignorant people.
Set a comfortable pace with reasonable goals. You've got the desire and strength to reach them. And you're so worth it. I love who you are. Love that lady. You wouldn't rush anyone else. You'd guide them along.
I don't know anyone who has achieved complete emotional stability. Crappy, unnatural events pop up out of nowhere and can throw anyone off track.
You seek to function with peace and contentment. I know what that search is like.
Maybe write down what you feel is holding you back from achieving the emotional stability your looking for. Start at the top of that list and work your way down.
You can do it. We're here for every step.
Love,
Nikki
1) emotional instability ( i called it emotional immaturity once and my therapist felt I wasn't immature at 5 years old)
7) patience with myself and the rest of the world.
I realize we're working on these one at a time, but I think you're anxiety over emotional instability needs a bit of number 7, patience with yourself.
When I crammed for a test, I made an A. Did I remember the answers later? Nope. Don't rush.
No one else's criticism has anything to do with your own plight to find peace with yourself and your experiences. You have a right to be troubled, sometimes confused, sad, then to rise up and empower yourself. Sometimes you have to ignore the ignorant people.
Set a comfortable pace with reasonable goals. You've got the desire and strength to reach them. And you're so worth it. I love who you are. Love that lady. You wouldn't rush anyone else. You'd guide them along.
I don't know anyone who has achieved complete emotional stability. Crappy, unnatural events pop up out of nowhere and can throw anyone off track.
You seek to function with peace and contentment. I know what that search is like.
Maybe write down what you feel is holding you back from achieving the emotional stability your looking for. Start at the top of that list and work your way down.
You can do it. We're here for every step.
Love,
Nikki
stick2013
01-23-2007, 06:12 AM
Dear ICC,
Nikki gave you some wonderful advice, and she is right!!!!! Be patient with yourself... I will add my 2 cents..
I think that emotional stability is sort of like the gut feeling(when dealing with PTSD people) There are all sorts of RED FLAGS, gut feelings, that nagging in the back of the mind.... These things tell us something isn't right, and we have to work on it. If it just doesn't feel right.....IT ISN'T!!!!!! STOP. LISTEN, & LEARN...
You know what is RIGHT and what is WRONG.....Doing something for someone that you know is wrong, or when someone ask you to do them a favor and you don't want to but you do it.....Is NOT being kind to you, it is NOT taking CARE of you. YOU can say things like," I understand, but I am really not interested at this time." You can also say," No thank you, I am not interested." or you can say my favorite, " I don't think so."
Doing these little steps does amazing things for you. It takes care of you, put you first(where you should be), and it empowers us.......It need not be done in a NASTY manner, but firm and polite. Doing these things for ourselves gives us a greater sense of self control too, and it STOPS us from ALLOWING other people from taking advantage of us, so we DON'T fall apart afterwards.....and feel like whimps, and basket cases because we have OVERDONE it again, and let someone use us.......
At least that's my take on achieving emotional stability. If it's not what you had in mind, or I am way off, let me know.....
Love you hon...
Hugs,
Sid
Nikki gave you some wonderful advice, and she is right!!!!! Be patient with yourself... I will add my 2 cents..
I think that emotional stability is sort of like the gut feeling(when dealing with PTSD people) There are all sorts of RED FLAGS, gut feelings, that nagging in the back of the mind.... These things tell us something isn't right, and we have to work on it. If it just doesn't feel right.....IT ISN'T!!!!!! STOP. LISTEN, & LEARN...
You know what is RIGHT and what is WRONG.....Doing something for someone that you know is wrong, or when someone ask you to do them a favor and you don't want to but you do it.....Is NOT being kind to you, it is NOT taking CARE of you. YOU can say things like," I understand, but I am really not interested at this time." You can also say," No thank you, I am not interested." or you can say my favorite, " I don't think so."
Doing these little steps does amazing things for you. It takes care of you, put you first(where you should be), and it empowers us.......It need not be done in a NASTY manner, but firm and polite. Doing these things for ourselves gives us a greater sense of self control too, and it STOPS us from ALLOWING other people from taking advantage of us, so we DON'T fall apart afterwards.....and feel like whimps, and basket cases because we have OVERDONE it again, and let someone use us.......
At least that's my take on achieving emotional stability. If it's not what you had in mind, or I am way off, let me know.....
Love you hon...
Hugs,
Sid
ICC
01-23-2007, 06:57 AM
hi nikki and sid---- you have both given excellent advise. Nikki i like the way you pointed out #1 needs # 7;) I have never had patience with myself but always with others. WRONG!! needs to be the other way right now. I get mad at myself when I fall backwards. Sid I have the capability with a smile to bite someone so kindly they don't even know they've been bit for a day or two:D There was a time in my life when i was right on top of it. NO!! was a word I didn't have a problem using when it was called for. Right now i just feel so weak in the mind that I am afraid of everything. I am so afraid of being hurt again by anyone or any situation that it is consuming me. Nikki i think i will take your advise and work on one thing at a time. Girls i think it has to be boundaries in my case as I let people invade me. To me boundaries have to be drawn on a whim when a situations strikes and that's where my fear comes in. They need to be drawn up for me to go ut into the world un-afraid and secure and I'm not sure where to begin. so can we help me get a handle on some boundaries together?
FTM----you can jump in at any time.
Hugs,
ICC
FTM----you can jump in at any time.
Hugs,
ICC
Phoenix
01-23-2007, 08:50 AM
FTM----you can jump in at any time.
Dear ICY,
With the way my body is, I would be lucky to "crawl in.":)
Emotional stability (in my opinion) is attainable but rarely maintained.
Murphy's Law is proof positive of this.
My dear, it seems that "your cup runneth over."
What lengths are you willing to go through in order to help yourself?
We'll start from there.
Take care all
God Bless all:angel:
FTM
Dear ICY,
With the way my body is, I would be lucky to "crawl in.":)
Emotional stability (in my opinion) is attainable but rarely maintained.
Murphy's Law is proof positive of this.
My dear, it seems that "your cup runneth over."
What lengths are you willing to go through in order to help yourself?
We'll start from there.
Take care all
God Bless all:angel:
FTM
ICC
01-23-2007, 09:10 AM
FTM--- I am willing to do what it takes. I don't have a cup anymore but a big spaghetti pot. remember your large plate? i understand what you are saying about stability. it is murphy's law, the other shoe dropping, ---------
I am willing to do what it takes. where shall we begin? i am ready when you are.
ICY;)
I am willing to do what it takes. where shall we begin? i am ready when you are.
ICY;)
Phoenix
01-23-2007, 09:35 AM
Dear ICY,
We shall discuss this further when I return from PT.(I look forward to it)
Take care all
God Bless all:angel:
FTM
We shall discuss this further when I return from PT.(I look forward to it)
Take care all
God Bless all:angel:
FTM
ICC
01-23-2007, 09:46 AM
FTM---I am also off to PT and will be looking forward to continuing the discussion.
ICY
ICY
Sannah
01-23-2007, 01:29 PM
8) learning how to feel and not getting scared. feel, accept and get on with it. learning how to live, laugh, love again
Hi ICC, I noticed this one with you. I noticed that a trigger would bring out emotions and you would get so scared. These are YOUR emotions. I was wondering if you were bringing back all of those terrible situations back with you and reliving them and this was what was making you scared. These are only your emotions now. You are safe and no one can hurt you anymore like they have in the past. You are safe now.
I think I can summarize your obstacle list (I always like to make things easier to understand!). I think that your list can be narrowed down to
1) your feelings - getting comfortable, familiar with them, decreasing the anxiety.
2)boundaries
3)meeting your own needs
As for your triggers it is death and various types of people.
Being aware of and understanding your feelings is a day by day thing and I think that you are working on that right now. Stay in the moment and study your feelings.
Meeting your needs is also a day by day thing and you just always have to be aware of whose needs that you are meeting at all times.
Boundaries, my specialty. When my therapist told me when I was in my mid 20's that I didn't have any I thought what a profound concept. I had never heard or thought about anything like it before. Where to start? I always tend to think of boundaries as moving back and forth not up or down. If I trust you I will let you get close. If I don't trust you I will not let you get close. If you say something that isn't right I will discuss it with you if we are in a valuable relationship or I will let it slide if we are not in a relationship. If you hurt me emotionally I will discuss it with you because I will not allow you to continue to hurt me. If we are not in a relationship I don't think that you can hurt me because I haven't made myself vulnerable to you.
Remember, you can ALWAYS protect yourself from others now. You are not a victim and you are not vulnerable. You can handle all situations now!
This is something that I discovered about boundaries late in the game. I would get nervous when others would get close. I realized that this was just my "old posture" when I didn't have boundaries and I couldn't protect myself. After I had developed good boundaries and was safe I had to mentally take down that anxiety because it wasn't needed anymore. It had become a habit.
Hi ICC, I noticed this one with you. I noticed that a trigger would bring out emotions and you would get so scared. These are YOUR emotions. I was wondering if you were bringing back all of those terrible situations back with you and reliving them and this was what was making you scared. These are only your emotions now. You are safe and no one can hurt you anymore like they have in the past. You are safe now.
I think I can summarize your obstacle list (I always like to make things easier to understand!). I think that your list can be narrowed down to
1) your feelings - getting comfortable, familiar with them, decreasing the anxiety.
2)boundaries
3)meeting your own needs
As for your triggers it is death and various types of people.
Being aware of and understanding your feelings is a day by day thing and I think that you are working on that right now. Stay in the moment and study your feelings.
Meeting your needs is also a day by day thing and you just always have to be aware of whose needs that you are meeting at all times.
Boundaries, my specialty. When my therapist told me when I was in my mid 20's that I didn't have any I thought what a profound concept. I had never heard or thought about anything like it before. Where to start? I always tend to think of boundaries as moving back and forth not up or down. If I trust you I will let you get close. If I don't trust you I will not let you get close. If you say something that isn't right I will discuss it with you if we are in a valuable relationship or I will let it slide if we are not in a relationship. If you hurt me emotionally I will discuss it with you because I will not allow you to continue to hurt me. If we are not in a relationship I don't think that you can hurt me because I haven't made myself vulnerable to you.
Remember, you can ALWAYS protect yourself from others now. You are not a victim and you are not vulnerable. You can handle all situations now!
This is something that I discovered about boundaries late in the game. I would get nervous when others would get close. I realized that this was just my "old posture" when I didn't have boundaries and I couldn't protect myself. After I had developed good boundaries and was safe I had to mentally take down that anxiety because it wasn't needed anymore. It had become a habit.
Phoenix
01-23-2007, 01:53 PM
I am will to do what it takes. where shall we begin? i am ready when you are.
Dear ICY,
It was sort of a trick question; if you said that you needed a little time to wrap myself around things (Sid,Sannah and Nikki are throwing out "jewels" of valuable information that are priceless), then I would have said I understand, as what I have to offer can be taxing and I am concerned about my friends help.
You stated that you are willing (thus ready) to do what it takes.
This type of enthusiasm is commendable but your willingness to "go for it" without considering your other health concerns, worries me.
What I failed to say is the mind controls the body and if not watched closely, can also run it down.
I care about you way too much and feel that the time will come soon but it may be a tad overwhelming.
If you feel otherwise, please let me know and we can discuss this further.
Be well, my friend.
Take care all
God Bless all:angel:
FTM
Dear ICY,
It was sort of a trick question; if you said that you needed a little time to wrap myself around things (Sid,Sannah and Nikki are throwing out "jewels" of valuable information that are priceless), then I would have said I understand, as what I have to offer can be taxing and I am concerned about my friends help.
You stated that you are willing (thus ready) to do what it takes.
This type of enthusiasm is commendable but your willingness to "go for it" without considering your other health concerns, worries me.
What I failed to say is the mind controls the body and if not watched closely, can also run it down.
I care about you way too much and feel that the time will come soon but it may be a tad overwhelming.
If you feel otherwise, please let me know and we can discuss this further.
Be well, my friend.
Take care all
God Bless all:angel:
FTM
ICC
01-23-2007, 02:10 PM
Ok Sannah----i might have to go a little at a time with this post as I have read it 6 times. 1st yes you are right when i am emotional I go back and it all hits me full force. it scares me. so I get lost in it.
2) death is what it is and i have suffered so much of it that i cannot even bring myself to a funeral now.
3) people. Sannah i go out in the world with a smile. Most of the rudeness out there i ignore unless someone really invades me or makes it personal. I used to say i got up every morning with a smile and someone came along and wiped it off shortly. maybe it's where i live, maybe it's the dysfunctional people in my life for so many years but I feel I have no one anymore except my family who is kind and doesn't get in your business. it's like a constant confrontation. I did protect myself and took care of my needs this morning but was very anxious, though i remained calm doing it. it's a beginning. confidence in myself deserving my privacy and boundaries would be a big help as i think it would tone some of the anxiety down. I want to stick up for myself without always being anxious when i do. CONFIDENCE in knowing i am doing what's right for me. this major change in my life of not going to work isn't helping. I have nothing but time on my hands and am so incapactiated that i can't do much. i have this dream of my bodsy not hurting as much and gong back into the world with my smile and willingness to do what it takes to have a pleasant day with some social contact. even if it means volunteering to read to elderly or children. social contact but not personal. I think i got it all but if i didn't narrrow it down somemore and i'll try again.
Hugs,
ICC
2) death is what it is and i have suffered so much of it that i cannot even bring myself to a funeral now.
3) people. Sannah i go out in the world with a smile. Most of the rudeness out there i ignore unless someone really invades me or makes it personal. I used to say i got up every morning with a smile and someone came along and wiped it off shortly. maybe it's where i live, maybe it's the dysfunctional people in my life for so many years but I feel I have no one anymore except my family who is kind and doesn't get in your business. it's like a constant confrontation. I did protect myself and took care of my needs this morning but was very anxious, though i remained calm doing it. it's a beginning. confidence in myself deserving my privacy and boundaries would be a big help as i think it would tone some of the anxiety down. I want to stick up for myself without always being anxious when i do. CONFIDENCE in knowing i am doing what's right for me. this major change in my life of not going to work isn't helping. I have nothing but time on my hands and am so incapactiated that i can't do much. i have this dream of my bodsy not hurting as much and gong back into the world with my smile and willingness to do what it takes to have a pleasant day with some social contact. even if it means volunteering to read to elderly or children. social contact but not personal. I think i got it all but if i didn't narrrow it down somemore and i'll try again.
Hugs,
ICC
ICC
01-23-2007, 02:16 PM
FTM----I didn't see your post until I answered sannah. you're right . there is so much valuable information that I am beginning to read posts several times before it sinks in and i think i understand what is being said. I am taking what I can from everyone's posts and would like to do the same with your opinion and guidance. I am ready as I agree that the mind has to heal first. since mine isn't is the main reason for my health issues. I have to heal my mind first or i will be in a catch 22. mind will create physical problems, physical problems will play with my mind. so give it your best shot and it will sit quietly and take notes on all that's been offered which is alot. Then after my bubles i willl try to make some sense of it all and pull it together. If i am unable to understand what you are all offering than I am sorry but I am in a bigger burnout than I thought.
Hugs,
ICY
Hugs,
ICY
ICC
01-23-2007, 02:49 PM
can't do my bubbles yet because the painter is right outside the bathroom door. here is the valuable info i have gotten from this particular post today.
Nikki---1)emotions-----patience
2) That A? that's how i have lived my life. A+ performer/producer at my own expence. Obviously you are right as I remember none of it.
3) Jealousy and criticism have made me very unsure of myself
4) never felt i had the right to be confused, sad, troubled always had to jump right back up and take care of my children or go to work to feed them.
5) You are right Nikki--- I would take anyone who needed this same help as I do by the hand and walk them one step at a time until they were comfortable but having never done it myslef don't know where to begin.
Sid----If it doesn't feel right it isn't. I knew that in my teens but lost it somewhere down the road in believing that everyone should be given the benefit of the doubt. NO!!! my gut instincts are good. I came here and stayed;) Haven't done anything for anyone in a long time. probably since i took care of my husband's parents because he was hurt and none of the other 5 sons or daughters-in-law gave a hoot. then they all kicked crap in my face after their deaths. I believe that is the last time I have extended myself to anyone. I don't even drive that often anymore. uncomfortable with it.
Boundaries as situations happen. Sometimes it knocks me back a pace or two when a situation arises that and I know I have to protect myself but lose all thought process. disassociation. happens when i least expect it. first time was when my daughter died and i have no idea how manytimes i have since. lots of lost time. I know why i do, it just comes on so quickly as I know it will protect me as it has done in the past.
Ok did I absorb what was given? please if not keep it coming. I need to be calm and understand myself to heal my mind and body.
FTM---I am ready for your opinion whenever you are.
I'm starting to feel like a burden, stupid a pest whatever.
Love you all,
ICY:wave:
Nikki---1)emotions-----patience
2) That A? that's how i have lived my life. A+ performer/producer at my own expence. Obviously you are right as I remember none of it.
3) Jealousy and criticism have made me very unsure of myself
4) never felt i had the right to be confused, sad, troubled always had to jump right back up and take care of my children or go to work to feed them.
5) You are right Nikki--- I would take anyone who needed this same help as I do by the hand and walk them one step at a time until they were comfortable but having never done it myslef don't know where to begin.
Sid----If it doesn't feel right it isn't. I knew that in my teens but lost it somewhere down the road in believing that everyone should be given the benefit of the doubt. NO!!! my gut instincts are good. I came here and stayed;) Haven't done anything for anyone in a long time. probably since i took care of my husband's parents because he was hurt and none of the other 5 sons or daughters-in-law gave a hoot. then they all kicked crap in my face after their deaths. I believe that is the last time I have extended myself to anyone. I don't even drive that often anymore. uncomfortable with it.
Boundaries as situations happen. Sometimes it knocks me back a pace or two when a situation arises that and I know I have to protect myself but lose all thought process. disassociation. happens when i least expect it. first time was when my daughter died and i have no idea how manytimes i have since. lots of lost time. I know why i do, it just comes on so quickly as I know it will protect me as it has done in the past.
Ok did I absorb what was given? please if not keep it coming. I need to be calm and understand myself to heal my mind and body.
FTM---I am ready for your opinion whenever you are.
I'm starting to feel like a burden, stupid a pest whatever.
Love you all,
ICY:wave:
hergy
01-24-2007, 01:41 AM
ICC,
You mentioned that proverbial 'shoe drop.'
Since I was a kid I've had a foreboding sense that something horrible was going to happen. On edge with constant worry, even into adulthood, I tend to be a basket case mentally, while trying to 'take care of business' in other aspects of my life. I constantly work out that worst-case scenario. It holds me back.
You and I have different reasons for feeling this way, but solutions often fit no matter what the reason for the problem.
Someone once asked me: What if that shoe does drop? (An idea I've labeled as a forbidden zone.) I didn't have an answer because I felt like I fell into a black hole. But life doesn't end when tragedy strikes.
You've gone through the dropping of many shoes. You're the same tough lady you've been since the beginning. In fact, your life experience will help you more now than you've ever been able to help yourself before.
You've proven to be incredibly resilient. Use your strength when necessary. Love the lady who loves others with such a big heart. Let her know she'll be warmed by a kind woman who understands, no matter what.
Love the 'shoe hater,'
Nikki
You mentioned that proverbial 'shoe drop.'
Since I was a kid I've had a foreboding sense that something horrible was going to happen. On edge with constant worry, even into adulthood, I tend to be a basket case mentally, while trying to 'take care of business' in other aspects of my life. I constantly work out that worst-case scenario. It holds me back.
You and I have different reasons for feeling this way, but solutions often fit no matter what the reason for the problem.
Someone once asked me: What if that shoe does drop? (An idea I've labeled as a forbidden zone.) I didn't have an answer because I felt like I fell into a black hole. But life doesn't end when tragedy strikes.
You've gone through the dropping of many shoes. You're the same tough lady you've been since the beginning. In fact, your life experience will help you more now than you've ever been able to help yourself before.
You've proven to be incredibly resilient. Use your strength when necessary. Love the lady who loves others with such a big heart. Let her know she'll be warmed by a kind woman who understands, no matter what.
Love the 'shoe hater,'
Nikki
Sannah
01-24-2007, 10:56 AM
I did protect myself and took care of my needs this morning but was very anxious, though i remained calm doing it. it's a beginning. confidence in myself deserving my privacy and boundaries would be a big help as i think it would tone some of the anxiety down. I want to stick up for myself without always being anxious when i do. CONFIDENCE in knowing i am doing what's right for me.
ICC, I know you need to rest but I just wanted to say this and you can deal with it after you have rested. I felt the same way when I was trying to build my boundaries. The anxiety! You are right, you don't feel like you deserve to have your boundaries. For me I thought my anxiety went back to why I didn't have boundaries in the first place - my mother. You feel that you will get the wrath of your mother if you try to enforce your boundaries.
I think that children develop boundaries when the caregiver respects their boundaries. The caregiver should tell the child what is going to happen and what she is going to do concerning the child (physical boundaries). It is their body and an adult shouldn't be poking and taking care of the child without giving them "an introduction" first "let's comb your hair", etc. Physical punishment can violate boundaries. Anything where you didn't give your consent to be touched.
Control is another area where an adult can violate boundaries. When the parent controls things that they shouldn't like homework, certain mundane choices, etc. The child needs to know that they are a seperate human being from the adult.
And of course loving and understanding the child is the best way to build the child's boundaries. When that child knows that you know her for who she is, it helps the child develop their identity and knowing your identity helps you to seperate yourself from others and form boundaries. When the parent will not allow you to have your own feelings, this fits here, or when the parent overwhelms the child with their own feelings, because again this blurs the boundary of where the child ends and the parent begins.
The best thing, though, is all of this stuff can be learned later in life! Now ICC do not answer this post. Read it later!
ICC, I know you need to rest but I just wanted to say this and you can deal with it after you have rested. I felt the same way when I was trying to build my boundaries. The anxiety! You are right, you don't feel like you deserve to have your boundaries. For me I thought my anxiety went back to why I didn't have boundaries in the first place - my mother. You feel that you will get the wrath of your mother if you try to enforce your boundaries.
I think that children develop boundaries when the caregiver respects their boundaries. The caregiver should tell the child what is going to happen and what she is going to do concerning the child (physical boundaries). It is their body and an adult shouldn't be poking and taking care of the child without giving them "an introduction" first "let's comb your hair", etc. Physical punishment can violate boundaries. Anything where you didn't give your consent to be touched.
Control is another area where an adult can violate boundaries. When the parent controls things that they shouldn't like homework, certain mundane choices, etc. The child needs to know that they are a seperate human being from the adult.
And of course loving and understanding the child is the best way to build the child's boundaries. When that child knows that you know her for who she is, it helps the child develop their identity and knowing your identity helps you to seperate yourself from others and form boundaries. When the parent will not allow you to have your own feelings, this fits here, or when the parent overwhelms the child with their own feelings, because again this blurs the boundary of where the child ends and the parent begins.
The best thing, though, is all of this stuff can be learned later in life! Now ICC do not answer this post. Read it later!
Phoenix
01-25-2007, 05:33 AM
Dear ICY,
Relax, my friend, relax.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Relax, my friend, relax.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM