Firenza
01-23-2007, 09:48 AM
I have a 16 yr old step son who appears to have Aspergers Syndrome (High intelligence, high function). There could be a personality disorder as well - who knows? He has not been diagnosed. Is it ok for me to lovingly "nag" him about the many things of which he is unaware? Or should I leave that parenting to his Mom and Dad, to whom he is already bonded? I want to offer constructive assistance without wounding his pride.
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elmhar
01-23-2007, 03:05 PM
Hi Firenza,
Have you discussed your concerns with his Dad? Usually there is a sort of agreement between the bioparent & the step-parent about boundaries for training/discipling kids.
Almost ALL 16 yo kids benefit from guidance. NONE of them like nagging ...
The worst part about nagging is that sometimes it just gets used as 'intel' to perpetuate certain behaviors & thereby irritate the parent.
The most impt thing any Mom can do with a teen is to build the relationship. Chat together every day about neutral stuff & things that interest him (a biggie w/Aspies). Do activities together with him, stuff he enjoys. Be kind & helpful. A little indulgent, but not a pushover. Notice verbally every time he is helpful or considerate ... Aspie teens can be a little stuck in their own world. Compliment him on his successes, creative or academic or social.
If you are unsure, try to find out all the things your DSS likes: fav color, fav meal, snack, flavor of gum, music group, subject in school, kind of toothpaste, on & on. Knowing this & using it to please your DS or to reward him, will help him feel your love, and also be a great example to him of positive social interaction.
For Aspie kids, sensory issues can make life difficult. Certain food textures, certain clothing fabrics, certain smells or sounds -- our kids can be hypersensitive. Knowing what really bugs/irritates your Aspie teen, and respecting that, can help build the relationship as well.
Model clearly a positive example all of the things you see in him that you would like to change, or things that you would like see him develop.
For example, some of our Aspies do not have a great sense of their bodies in space. Consequently, many of them slouch. Well, lots of 16 yo guys slouch. But, Moms know bad posture isn't helpful in a number of ways. So the first thing to do in this situation is to be a paragon of great posture, yourself. If your hubbie has great posture, notice it verbally sometime, in the presence of your DSS. Comment on the physical bearing of politicians & actors on TV, Contrast Dustin Hoffman or Tom Hanks in various roles -- posture can make a statement about character in our society. But this would be done w/a light touch, over a period of time.
Changing behaviors in any teen is best done with a fairly subtle approach on the small things. (Drug use, dangerous driving & other high risk behaviors need a more direct approach.) Take into account the growing intelligence of your teen. Sixteen is close to 18 ... nearly an adult. What you can't model &/or reward (compliment) into existence, might be worth talking about together. Not lecturing, but a sharing of observations & opinions, along with clear guidance, in the context of caring & wanting to develop the skills that will support success as a young adult. The advice may be temporarily rejected, but if lovingly presented, will not be forgotten.
If your son has not been dxd with Aspie, I would not bring that up or have it be a factor in your interactions, unless DSS himself brings it forth & wants to talk about the possibility. Even then, do not admit your suspicions, but if there is a desire for assessment & possible diagnosis, lend your support. A 16 yo boy wants to be NORMAL, wants to be known & considered by others, as normal. I hear this all the time from my own 16 yo on the spectrum.
Best wishes.
Have you discussed your concerns with his Dad? Usually there is a sort of agreement between the bioparent & the step-parent about boundaries for training/discipling kids.
Almost ALL 16 yo kids benefit from guidance. NONE of them like nagging ...
The worst part about nagging is that sometimes it just gets used as 'intel' to perpetuate certain behaviors & thereby irritate the parent.
The most impt thing any Mom can do with a teen is to build the relationship. Chat together every day about neutral stuff & things that interest him (a biggie w/Aspies). Do activities together with him, stuff he enjoys. Be kind & helpful. A little indulgent, but not a pushover. Notice verbally every time he is helpful or considerate ... Aspie teens can be a little stuck in their own world. Compliment him on his successes, creative or academic or social.
If you are unsure, try to find out all the things your DSS likes: fav color, fav meal, snack, flavor of gum, music group, subject in school, kind of toothpaste, on & on. Knowing this & using it to please your DS or to reward him, will help him feel your love, and also be a great example to him of positive social interaction.
For Aspie kids, sensory issues can make life difficult. Certain food textures, certain clothing fabrics, certain smells or sounds -- our kids can be hypersensitive. Knowing what really bugs/irritates your Aspie teen, and respecting that, can help build the relationship as well.
Model clearly a positive example all of the things you see in him that you would like to change, or things that you would like see him develop.
For example, some of our Aspies do not have a great sense of their bodies in space. Consequently, many of them slouch. Well, lots of 16 yo guys slouch. But, Moms know bad posture isn't helpful in a number of ways. So the first thing to do in this situation is to be a paragon of great posture, yourself. If your hubbie has great posture, notice it verbally sometime, in the presence of your DSS. Comment on the physical bearing of politicians & actors on TV, Contrast Dustin Hoffman or Tom Hanks in various roles -- posture can make a statement about character in our society. But this would be done w/a light touch, over a period of time.
Changing behaviors in any teen is best done with a fairly subtle approach on the small things. (Drug use, dangerous driving & other high risk behaviors need a more direct approach.) Take into account the growing intelligence of your teen. Sixteen is close to 18 ... nearly an adult. What you can't model &/or reward (compliment) into existence, might be worth talking about together. Not lecturing, but a sharing of observations & opinions, along with clear guidance, in the context of caring & wanting to develop the skills that will support success as a young adult. The advice may be temporarily rejected, but if lovingly presented, will not be forgotten.
If your son has not been dxd with Aspie, I would not bring that up or have it be a factor in your interactions, unless DSS himself brings it forth & wants to talk about the possibility. Even then, do not admit your suspicions, but if there is a desire for assessment & possible diagnosis, lend your support. A 16 yo boy wants to be NORMAL, wants to be known & considered by others, as normal. I hear this all the time from my own 16 yo on the spectrum.
Best wishes.