A couple of people responded to my earlier message titled "Thoughts" (thank you for the support) and I just thought that I'd clarify and respond to "why I haven't been to a doc. for help". When I had my first "pure" thought I immediately seeked help -- in fact, the 1st person I met with just said that I was having bad thoughts because my mother had bad things happen to her (which is why I was told that she left me, my dad & bro. when I was a teenager so that she could figure herself out -- which of course as it turns out I find out differently in my late 20s that was not why she left) but regardless she thought I was lashing out because she left, so for months that was the direction that she was taking. Then one session I said to her "I had a bad week, its like I can't turn off the thoughts and its scaring me" and she blurted out "why can't you stop! you need to just stop" at that point I was devastated, felt like a failure, and needless to say that was my last appt. with her (and of course she did not specialize in anxiety or OCD - just a general therapist). The second person, who happens to be a family friend but also a general therapist, said that I was having bad thoughts because something happened to me when I was younger, so now of course for several more months I'm thinking this is why -- but more thoughts, more time, and none of it helping. Then I went to my general doc. (who finally someone wonderful) and told him quite a bit and that is when he said I definiately have anxiety, etc. and that I should talk to someone and mediate. So I began researching and learning as much as I could, self help books, etc. and here I am.

I think because of my bad experiences I am now so frightened to go see anyone. I'm scared that they are going to tell me that I could be that way or "well, maybe that is you" - again the millions upon millions of "what ifs" creeping in. But, again I realize that there is help I just need to see someone who is specialized in OCD so that maybe I will be understood and can actually get some help and go in the right direction. Again, I'm just plain and simple scared. I wish that I could just have all of you behind me when I'm there like the Cell Phone add that you see on t.v. :) But I did do some research today and think I might have found someone who specializes in OCD. So, thanks for helping to "push" me the way I know deep down I should be.