hergy
01-24-2007, 02:28 AM
If you lose your favorite grandmother's ring, you're preoccupied with finding it. The loss never leaves your head, especially if you're the sentimental type and your grandmother has long since passed away.
In the throws of the flashbacks and nightmares in 1999, I awoke one morning after a recent memory revealed I was raped. Cold and empty, the grave thought planted itself in my mind: "I'm not a virgin." That's a bigger deal to me than I can describe. It's a validation of worthlessness over something I lost that was valuable to me and I didn't even know it was gone. That issue remains paramount, the ruination of my life. I know this matter seems small, but I can't dismiss the grandiosity of the crime. I always feel skinned.
After my second breast surgery, I was blessed with a four-inch scar and quite a bit of tissue missing from my right breast. I buy bras that make me look normal, but when I dress and shower, I see the deformity. The scar has marred my sense of femininity, what tiny bit I had. I don't even like to look at it. I'm a pretty naturalist kind of girl, so I'm very familiar with my body. But I hate looking at that breast. Again, I lost something I can't retrieve. When my scar healed, I took a long walk in the woods near a mountain lake alone. I swam nude. That meant something to me. I have no words for its importance. I searched for a sense of normality. A way to belong to nature as I should.
I can't feel like I belong. No matter how much progress I make in therapy, those things will always be true. I have no idea how to create worth out of something I want to throw away. I didn't ask for rape or cancer - that's ok. But they took things I never wanted stolen.
I'm not whining, complaining or trying to fish for validation and comfort. I guess I'm putting it here because I can't address it otherwise. You bring up things in therapy to get help. My therapist can't make me a virgin. She can't make me feel like a whole woman.
All the other crap in my life doesn't measure up to the pain of these events. I realize plenty of people have gone through so much worse - the kids who sleep in sewers, the returning vets, adult victims of rape and battery.
I feel petty. But I can't shake the hurt over the losses. There was the flood, the abusive relationship, the cancer and other crap. But I can never find the two things I really want back.
In the throws of the flashbacks and nightmares in 1999, I awoke one morning after a recent memory revealed I was raped. Cold and empty, the grave thought planted itself in my mind: "I'm not a virgin." That's a bigger deal to me than I can describe. It's a validation of worthlessness over something I lost that was valuable to me and I didn't even know it was gone. That issue remains paramount, the ruination of my life. I know this matter seems small, but I can't dismiss the grandiosity of the crime. I always feel skinned.
After my second breast surgery, I was blessed with a four-inch scar and quite a bit of tissue missing from my right breast. I buy bras that make me look normal, but when I dress and shower, I see the deformity. The scar has marred my sense of femininity, what tiny bit I had. I don't even like to look at it. I'm a pretty naturalist kind of girl, so I'm very familiar with my body. But I hate looking at that breast. Again, I lost something I can't retrieve. When my scar healed, I took a long walk in the woods near a mountain lake alone. I swam nude. That meant something to me. I have no words for its importance. I searched for a sense of normality. A way to belong to nature as I should.
I can't feel like I belong. No matter how much progress I make in therapy, those things will always be true. I have no idea how to create worth out of something I want to throw away. I didn't ask for rape or cancer - that's ok. But they took things I never wanted stolen.
I'm not whining, complaining or trying to fish for validation and comfort. I guess I'm putting it here because I can't address it otherwise. You bring up things in therapy to get help. My therapist can't make me a virgin. She can't make me feel like a whole woman.
All the other crap in my life doesn't measure up to the pain of these events. I realize plenty of people have gone through so much worse - the kids who sleep in sewers, the returning vets, adult victims of rape and battery.
I feel petty. But I can't shake the hurt over the losses. There was the flood, the abusive relationship, the cancer and other crap. But I can never find the two things I really want back.
Sponsor
Sannah
01-24-2007, 10:22 AM
Nikki, do you think that you need to still grieve these losses?
Phoenix
01-24-2007, 11:07 AM
My dear Nikki,
Let's look at this for a moment:
With regard to you being raped and wanting your virginity back, thus feeling it was stolen from you:
From a biological standpoint, if they broke through the hymen, you are no longer a virgin. This is what scientists and physicians "brainwased" the worldwide population into believing.
As I am an independant thinker, whatever I do not agree with, I just don't. This is not to say that they are right or wrong, I just will not debate a few things and this is one of them.
The amount of years that your vaginal walls had to heal will most likely provide for painful "love-making."
This duplication of this painful moment can be considered a "rebirth" of sorts.
No one can steal or take away a person's virginity; it was never given to them in the first place. Virginity is a "mind and body" experience, special to each individual.
Cancer may have taken a portion of your breast but it is not your flesh that makes you the kind and caring individual that you are; it is you.
The real measure of a person is not their outer but inner beauty and it is that inner beauty that transcends predominantly over the "physicality" of it all.
What the mirror allows the eye to see, also does it, the mind. It is your perception of yourself at this point in time, coupled with the way you feel others might view you.
You are beautiful to me; Hannah and "little FM" told me this also........
"and the children shall lead you."
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Let's look at this for a moment:
With regard to you being raped and wanting your virginity back, thus feeling it was stolen from you:
From a biological standpoint, if they broke through the hymen, you are no longer a virgin. This is what scientists and physicians "brainwased" the worldwide population into believing.
As I am an independant thinker, whatever I do not agree with, I just don't. This is not to say that they are right or wrong, I just will not debate a few things and this is one of them.
The amount of years that your vaginal walls had to heal will most likely provide for painful "love-making."
This duplication of this painful moment can be considered a "rebirth" of sorts.
No one can steal or take away a person's virginity; it was never given to them in the first place. Virginity is a "mind and body" experience, special to each individual.
Cancer may have taken a portion of your breast but it is not your flesh that makes you the kind and caring individual that you are; it is you.
The real measure of a person is not their outer but inner beauty and it is that inner beauty that transcends predominantly over the "physicality" of it all.
What the mirror allows the eye to see, also does it, the mind. It is your perception of yourself at this point in time, coupled with the way you feel others might view you.
You are beautiful to me; Hannah and "little FM" told me this also........
"and the children shall lead you."
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
hergy
01-25-2007, 11:35 PM
Nikki, do you think that you need to still grieve these losses?
Yes. But I've never climbed out of my disgusting pit of denial, so I still do that thing I did when I was a child - if I pretend otherwise, this awful thing isn't really happening.
Love,
Nikki
Yes. But I've never climbed out of my disgusting pit of denial, so I still do that thing I did when I was a child - if I pretend otherwise, this awful thing isn't really happening.
Love,
Nikki
hergy
01-25-2007, 11:42 PM
You are beautiful to me; Hannah and "little FM" told me this also
Thank you FM. Your bravery when approaching a difficult subject is admirable and beautiful.
Like I mentioned to Sannah, denial reigns over my consciousness, so I turn my head away from reason because I don't want these things to be true. That sounds pretty stupid, but that's one battle I do know that I'm fighting.
It has been about 6 or 7 years since my full knowledge of the rapes. I still make excuses, tell myself I'm lying or that I'm just crazy and made it all up. The only thing irritating those methods are the actual bits of evidence that the incidents happened. It's not just my memory, but I still try with all my might to wish it away.
Love,
Nikki
Thank you FM. Your bravery when approaching a difficult subject is admirable and beautiful.
Like I mentioned to Sannah, denial reigns over my consciousness, so I turn my head away from reason because I don't want these things to be true. That sounds pretty stupid, but that's one battle I do know that I'm fighting.
It has been about 6 or 7 years since my full knowledge of the rapes. I still make excuses, tell myself I'm lying or that I'm just crazy and made it all up. The only thing irritating those methods are the actual bits of evidence that the incidents happened. It's not just my memory, but I still try with all my might to wish it away.
Love,
Nikki
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 06:22 AM
Thank you FM. Your bravery when approaching a difficult subject is admirable and beautiful.
Like I mentioned to Sannah, denial reigns over my consciousness, so I turn my head away from reason because I don't want these things to be true. That sounds pretty stupid, but that's one battle I do know that I'm fighting.
It has been about 6 or 7 years since my full knowledge of the rapes. I still make excuses, tell myself I'm lying or that I'm just crazy and made it all up. The only thing irritating those methods are the actual bits of evidence that the incidents happened. It's not just my memory, but I still try with all my might to wish it away.
Dear Nikki,
All throughout my life I have been running away from my issues; one of them being hurt by others that I trusted.
Part of my sensitive nature, I owe to my mother and the rest is lifes experiences.
I fearlessly approach issues now because I am guided by Psalm 23; since my birthday also falls on the 23rd(July) it works with me just fine.
I am at peace with the fact that I am an overly sensitive, compassionate and confused individual.
People have spoken on a psycological level about "filling a void."
My void is only filled when I can be of help to others; my entire life's work was designed to help others.
Over the years, I asked the Lord to take me with Him and he refused; He has a greater purpose for me.
There is no "grey area" for me; it is "stand up and do what has to be done or sit down and take no action at all."
Nikki,
Facing the reality of it all comes with accepting yourself for the wonderful person you are.
Did you forsee yourself coming here and meeting caring individuals?
You didn't know what to expect but you "stood up" and made the effort.
My dear, you have progressed and I see an intelligent individual that can describe how she feels.
I see so many good qualities that you would literally give me "typer's cramp.":)
On an intospective level, a mirror only allows you to see what a person wants to.
Here,
Try my cyber glasses on; this will help you to see what I do.
The psyche is fragile territory to deal with.
Realize that by attempting to "wish things away" you are directing energy in the wrong direction.
Let's "talk" further.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Like I mentioned to Sannah, denial reigns over my consciousness, so I turn my head away from reason because I don't want these things to be true. That sounds pretty stupid, but that's one battle I do know that I'm fighting.
It has been about 6 or 7 years since my full knowledge of the rapes. I still make excuses, tell myself I'm lying or that I'm just crazy and made it all up. The only thing irritating those methods are the actual bits of evidence that the incidents happened. It's not just my memory, but I still try with all my might to wish it away.
Dear Nikki,
All throughout my life I have been running away from my issues; one of them being hurt by others that I trusted.
Part of my sensitive nature, I owe to my mother and the rest is lifes experiences.
I fearlessly approach issues now because I am guided by Psalm 23; since my birthday also falls on the 23rd(July) it works with me just fine.
I am at peace with the fact that I am an overly sensitive, compassionate and confused individual.
People have spoken on a psycological level about "filling a void."
My void is only filled when I can be of help to others; my entire life's work was designed to help others.
Over the years, I asked the Lord to take me with Him and he refused; He has a greater purpose for me.
There is no "grey area" for me; it is "stand up and do what has to be done or sit down and take no action at all."
Nikki,
Facing the reality of it all comes with accepting yourself for the wonderful person you are.
Did you forsee yourself coming here and meeting caring individuals?
You didn't know what to expect but you "stood up" and made the effort.
My dear, you have progressed and I see an intelligent individual that can describe how she feels.
I see so many good qualities that you would literally give me "typer's cramp.":)
On an intospective level, a mirror only allows you to see what a person wants to.
Here,
Try my cyber glasses on; this will help you to see what I do.
The psyche is fragile territory to deal with.
Realize that by attempting to "wish things away" you are directing energy in the wrong direction.
Let's "talk" further.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Sannah
01-26-2007, 08:47 AM
Nikki, acceptance and then grieving?
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 08:49 AM
Dear Sannah,
What's going on?
What's going on?
Sannah
01-26-2007, 08:52 AM
FTM, I go for my second LDA shot in 1/2 hour. I have been fasting since yesterday (I can only eat venision and how much of that can you eat!). I spent 2 days cleaning like crazy and going to the store to prepare for the shot. Fasting is hard! I have to drive 1 1/2 to the doctor for the shot. I feel much better afterwards, however, so it is worth it.
How are you this AM?
How are you this AM?
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 08:55 AM
Dear Sannah,
I'm doing alright but have the feeling that we need to "talk."
I'm doing alright but have the feeling that we need to "talk."
Sannah
01-26-2007, 08:58 AM
FTM, what is going on?
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 09:02 AM
It's not me.......what is going on with you?
You offer such good advice but I have a feeling there is more to you than "meets the eye."
You offer such good advice but I have a feeling there is more to you than "meets the eye."
Sannah
01-26-2007, 09:07 AM
FTM, oh, I see you are digging for some dirt! Do you have a little helping addiction that you have to feed this AM? I am really okay, FTM, I have been working on my issues for 20 years and the last few that I have worked on over the past few months would be feeling insecurity around other women (memories of the first relationship that I had with a woman - my mother) and connecting better with my children, doing more with them, understanding them better.
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 09:10 AM
Deeper.............Deeper.
Sannah
01-26-2007, 09:12 AM
FTM, sorry, I have emptied out all the baggage compartments over the last 20 years and it is pretty much now what you see is what you get.
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 09:14 AM
the last few that I have worked on over the past few months would be feeling insecurity around other women (memories of the first relationship that I had with a woman - my mother) and connecting better with my children, doing more with them, understanding them better.
care to elaborate?
care to elaborate?
Sannah
01-26-2007, 09:18 AM
FTM, actually I have to get ready to go get my shot now. It's pretty simple stuff, though, just have to keep reminding myself that I have no reason to be insecure around women. I am fine around men because I had a good relationship with my dad. It's working out. I am working on my relationship with my children because remember I was a screamer for two years 4 years ago. See you later!
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 09:22 AM
I pray that the shot brings you relief.
I'll continue this later.
I'll continue this later.