Phoenix
01-25-2007, 03:38 AM
PTSD,
I was skeptical, whether or not I should confront you but since you entered my life, you have been an annoyance:
You made it possible for my therapists to locate that DSM-IV and label me.
You invaded my life without permission,taking measurements whilst I lay asleep, attempting to fit me like a glove.
You took the opportunity to "latch on" like a leech that needs blood for sustenance..................
Take a look at that PTSD:
I give you power to thrive; for without me, there can be no you........
but I've got some news for you: I'm onto you; actually all of us are and if you think the presence of you is going to get or keep us down, you've got another thing coming.
Yes, we were vulnerable when you entered our lives but the secret is out:
You can be controlled
Oh, did I expose you; make you feel uncomfortable? Well good!...........
Now you know how we have been feeling.
You really think that I am going to buy into the thought that you will be a part of my life, for the rest of it? HA!
If I believe that then I also believe that the Easter Bunny arrives on Christmas and Santa Claus wears green,carries around shamrocks and his famous saying is "top o' the morning to you, me laddies."
Nope, I won't believe it.
If man and woman kind alike could search for a cures to untreatable diseases, then I will search for a cure for this disorder.
Whether I do or not, only time will tell but if I do not make the effort then I am truthfully defeated.
So PTSD, be on the lookout. There may come the day that I put on a pair of "Dorothy's magical shoes", click my heals and say "there's no place for PTSD" and I will be rid of you.
What's the matter, you look upset.
I'll make a deal with you; once you are here you respect me and I will do the same.
If you leave peacefully one day, while I am sleeping, I will understand; not that I am placing ideas into your head of a "psychological nature."
I hear they are forming both a civil and criminal court made especially for disorders.
Maybe it will be as simple as evicting you, since you are definitely an unwanted tenant that gained occupancy under false pretenses.
You heard everything I said; well scratch that; your bags are packed at the door.
See, I can play psychological games also.
Don't bother to go back into the room; it's locked; deadbolt and all;psychological Fort Knox.
I know that you're stubborn but I'm patient and I have you exactly where I want you; I'm in control now.
Just let me know when you are ready to leave.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
I was skeptical, whether or not I should confront you but since you entered my life, you have been an annoyance:
You made it possible for my therapists to locate that DSM-IV and label me.
You invaded my life without permission,taking measurements whilst I lay asleep, attempting to fit me like a glove.
You took the opportunity to "latch on" like a leech that needs blood for sustenance..................
Take a look at that PTSD:
I give you power to thrive; for without me, there can be no you........
but I've got some news for you: I'm onto you; actually all of us are and if you think the presence of you is going to get or keep us down, you've got another thing coming.
Yes, we were vulnerable when you entered our lives but the secret is out:
You can be controlled
Oh, did I expose you; make you feel uncomfortable? Well good!...........
Now you know how we have been feeling.
You really think that I am going to buy into the thought that you will be a part of my life, for the rest of it? HA!
If I believe that then I also believe that the Easter Bunny arrives on Christmas and Santa Claus wears green,carries around shamrocks and his famous saying is "top o' the morning to you, me laddies."
Nope, I won't believe it.
If man and woman kind alike could search for a cures to untreatable diseases, then I will search for a cure for this disorder.
Whether I do or not, only time will tell but if I do not make the effort then I am truthfully defeated.
So PTSD, be on the lookout. There may come the day that I put on a pair of "Dorothy's magical shoes", click my heals and say "there's no place for PTSD" and I will be rid of you.
What's the matter, you look upset.
I'll make a deal with you; once you are here you respect me and I will do the same.
If you leave peacefully one day, while I am sleeping, I will understand; not that I am placing ideas into your head of a "psychological nature."
I hear they are forming both a civil and criminal court made especially for disorders.
Maybe it will be as simple as evicting you, since you are definitely an unwanted tenant that gained occupancy under false pretenses.
You heard everything I said; well scratch that; your bags are packed at the door.
See, I can play psychological games also.
Don't bother to go back into the room; it's locked; deadbolt and all;psychological Fort Knox.
I know that you're stubborn but I'm patient and I have you exactly where I want you; I'm in control now.
Just let me know when you are ready to leave.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Sponsor
isitme
01-25-2007, 10:53 AM
whoohoo. Fantastic post FTM. Sound like you're on the winning side of this 'nuisance' disorder. I too am trying to beat the 'nuisance disorder' out of me.:)
The disorder starts and ends with us. Only 'us' can beat it - by changing how we think, act, behave and react.
The disorder starts and ends with us. Only 'us' can beat it - by changing how we think, act, behave and react.
galinaqt
01-25-2007, 02:00 PM
I personnaly blame people who were the cause of me having these disease not disease on its own. It doesn't come out of nowhere.
Oddly enough I thought that if I talk to people who came from the same country about my problems it will make me felt better unfortinately quite opposite.
I just don't think human being can be compassionate unless he has exactly same problem.
I was telling about supervisor giving me wrong information in order to make serious of scandals - first time when she changed info, second 'cause I couldn't redo quick enough and third 'cause no way it can be as perfect on paper as first time and it lasted for years. Response was - "Exactly same thing was happened to me. Once my free vacation abroad was given to somebody else".
Remind me ICC's coworker comparison of her son got to prison with ICC's daughter's death.
I would really like people to answer even if I don't make much sense it is important to me.
Oddly enough I thought that if I talk to people who came from the same country about my problems it will make me felt better unfortinately quite opposite.
I just don't think human being can be compassionate unless he has exactly same problem.
I was telling about supervisor giving me wrong information in order to make serious of scandals - first time when she changed info, second 'cause I couldn't redo quick enough and third 'cause no way it can be as perfect on paper as first time and it lasted for years. Response was - "Exactly same thing was happened to me. Once my free vacation abroad was given to somebody else".
Remind me ICC's coworker comparison of her son got to prison with ICC's daughter's death.
I would really like people to answer even if I don't make much sense it is important to me.
Phoenix
01-25-2007, 08:07 PM
whoohoo. Fantastic post FTM. Sound like you're on the winning side of this 'nuisance' disorder. I too am trying to beat the 'nuisance disorder' out of me.:)
The disorder starts and ends with us. Only 'us' can beat it - by changing how we think, act, behave and react.
Dear isitme and galinaqt,
The truth of the matter is that I am so tired of it all.
You see, I have spent way too much time as a "hermit."
I stayed by myself and have gotten in touch with myself, on a "psychologically emotional" level.
My brother passed in 1990 and I developed PTSD. This is not to say that I didn't have other disorders, such as episodes of both anorexia and bulemia.
I am so "friggin" tired of blaming myself and I am so tired of using others in my life as the focal point of my disorders.
Whether or not I forgive those who hurt me is not my issue; if they hurt me( and they know who they are) I say it is better for me to let other forces take care of them for in the long run I will be the winner.
I am a winner; actually we all are; we are survivors!
Just because I wrote that reflective piece by no means is an indicator that I have things fully under control. This is just step one and I have just begun.
If I am going to get anywhere in life, at this point in my life, I have to keep striving. If I go in with a "defeatist" attitude, I have already given up on myself.
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a person worth saving, battered and bruised and in need of much healing.
Do I have all the answers; no but I am going to be relentless with grabbing onto any and every bit of information that I can, for dear life.
As my head hurts and my body has trouble catching up with my mind, I say to all : We have to believe in ourselves.........
If not us then who; if not now, then when?
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
The disorder starts and ends with us. Only 'us' can beat it - by changing how we think, act, behave and react.
Dear isitme and galinaqt,
The truth of the matter is that I am so tired of it all.
You see, I have spent way too much time as a "hermit."
I stayed by myself and have gotten in touch with myself, on a "psychologically emotional" level.
My brother passed in 1990 and I developed PTSD. This is not to say that I didn't have other disorders, such as episodes of both anorexia and bulemia.
I am so "friggin" tired of blaming myself and I am so tired of using others in my life as the focal point of my disorders.
Whether or not I forgive those who hurt me is not my issue; if they hurt me( and they know who they are) I say it is better for me to let other forces take care of them for in the long run I will be the winner.
I am a winner; actually we all are; we are survivors!
Just because I wrote that reflective piece by no means is an indicator that I have things fully under control. This is just step one and I have just begun.
If I am going to get anywhere in life, at this point in my life, I have to keep striving. If I go in with a "defeatist" attitude, I have already given up on myself.
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a person worth saving, battered and bruised and in need of much healing.
Do I have all the answers; no but I am going to be relentless with grabbing onto any and every bit of information that I can, for dear life.
As my head hurts and my body has trouble catching up with my mind, I say to all : We have to believe in ourselves.........
If not us then who; if not now, then when?
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
missbluesky
01-25-2007, 11:38 PM
Amen, FTM, What a great read!!!
You tell 'em, isitme!
I have gone through the hermit process, as well...partly out of fear of being too sensitive...too "different" and partly needing time with my higher power, time to research and not be overly distracted from my own healing process.
The other part was recognizing I wasn't always attracting/soliciting the best infulences in my life from other mortals.
:eek: galinaqt, that would hurt So-o-o much!:mad: What are you gonna do with that negative feeling? Ouch, I hope you don't just stew in it til your goose is cooked!!! I was just wondering how you will handle that injustice? I have learned it is very important for me to do something with my bad feelings.
You tell 'em, isitme!
I have gone through the hermit process, as well...partly out of fear of being too sensitive...too "different" and partly needing time with my higher power, time to research and not be overly distracted from my own healing process.
The other part was recognizing I wasn't always attracting/soliciting the best infulences in my life from other mortals.
:eek: galinaqt, that would hurt So-o-o much!:mad: What are you gonna do with that negative feeling? Ouch, I hope you don't just stew in it til your goose is cooked!!! I was just wondering how you will handle that injustice? I have learned it is very important for me to do something with my bad feelings.
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 05:46 AM
Dear missbluesky,
The nature of PTSD dictates that there will be similarities, as well as differences.
Are there any issues that are plaguing you?
One ironic thing is that I may be able to express myself when it comes to describe my feelings but it just doesn't seem to work the same way with regards to my previous employment.
I was a super; accident related limitations, which are understandable.
What keeps gnawing at me is my short term memory has diminished considerably.
When I attempt to work on my past projects like the non profit organization,inventions,poetry, short stories, writing a children's book, designing board games and a student test preparation kit; innovative idea speculator and eventually a self-help book.
These tasks require more of my mental awareness than anything else and I really have trouble concentrating and getting back on track, which annoys me to no end.:mad: :mad:
I went through so much in life, as I know that we all have and to have my ability "put on hold for an undetermined amount of time" brings tears to my eyes.
Eighteen months ago, I was "ready for the world and had the bull by the horns."
Now the more appropriate saying is "mess around with the bull and you will get the horns" I am injured physically and re-injured psychologically..........
one day I will have it all back, to varying degrees anyway(I have to be realistic).
I will eventually have to put a little at a time on my "occupational plate."
I still have to rely on SSDI and this is something that bothers me; I had a plan of action but alas, not everything turns out the way we would like.
The Lord helps those who help themselves and I know that He has my back.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
The nature of PTSD dictates that there will be similarities, as well as differences.
Are there any issues that are plaguing you?
One ironic thing is that I may be able to express myself when it comes to describe my feelings but it just doesn't seem to work the same way with regards to my previous employment.
I was a super; accident related limitations, which are understandable.
What keeps gnawing at me is my short term memory has diminished considerably.
When I attempt to work on my past projects like the non profit organization,inventions,poetry, short stories, writing a children's book, designing board games and a student test preparation kit; innovative idea speculator and eventually a self-help book.
These tasks require more of my mental awareness than anything else and I really have trouble concentrating and getting back on track, which annoys me to no end.:mad: :mad:
I went through so much in life, as I know that we all have and to have my ability "put on hold for an undetermined amount of time" brings tears to my eyes.
Eighteen months ago, I was "ready for the world and had the bull by the horns."
Now the more appropriate saying is "mess around with the bull and you will get the horns" I am injured physically and re-injured psychologically..........
one day I will have it all back, to varying degrees anyway(I have to be realistic).
I will eventually have to put a little at a time on my "occupational plate."
I still have to rely on SSDI and this is something that bothers me; I had a plan of action but alas, not everything turns out the way we would like.
The Lord helps those who help themselves and I know that He has my back.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 07:58 AM
Dear ICY and Sid,
Q:How are the two of you doing?
A:Oh FTM, we're not talking to you right now, or anyone for that fact.
Q:Will the two of you at least consider talking to a therapist?
A:---------------------------------------------------
My prayers are with the two of you.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Q:How are the two of you doing?
A:Oh FTM, we're not talking to you right now, or anyone for that fact.
Q:Will the two of you at least consider talking to a therapist?
A:---------------------------------------------------
My prayers are with the two of you.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
galinaqt
01-26-2007, 10:51 AM
Amen, FTM, What a great read!!!
:eek: galinaqt, that would hurt So-o-o much!:mad: What are you gonna do with that negative feeling? Ouch, I hope you don't just stew in it til your goose is cooked!!! I was just wondering how you will handle that injustice? I have learned it is very important for me to do something with my bad feelings.
Pain became dull with the time. My mother is a big source of irritation and she is very sick I can't avoid her. I should stay at her place today and tomorrow. I keep leaving with negative feelings and keep doing what I suppose to do. When I am very busy it distructs me.
My husband was trying to help me talking about people parished in Halocaust at least it didn't happpened to me. I have my relatives as an example of better life due to there parents were not as egoistic and stupid as my mother and it is also hard.
:eek: galinaqt, that would hurt So-o-o much!:mad: What are you gonna do with that negative feeling? Ouch, I hope you don't just stew in it til your goose is cooked!!! I was just wondering how you will handle that injustice? I have learned it is very important for me to do something with my bad feelings.
Pain became dull with the time. My mother is a big source of irritation and she is very sick I can't avoid her. I should stay at her place today and tomorrow. I keep leaving with negative feelings and keep doing what I suppose to do. When I am very busy it distructs me.
My husband was trying to help me talking about people parished in Halocaust at least it didn't happpened to me. I have my relatives as an example of better life due to there parents were not as egoistic and stupid as my mother and it is also hard.
missbluesky
01-26-2007, 12:33 PM
FTM,
Maybe you could locate help with the areas in which you are weak??? It sounds to me you've got it all going on & just need a someone who has the attributes you are challenged in? I am learning that it is okay to ask for help when we need it. You seem such a giving person and I wonder if you are -as myself - too embarassed to ask things of others, at times. I am working on this, myself...
I wish I'd found you all 5 or 6 mos ago; I would've really benefitted from having another source to vent with. The tools I am using appear to be working now, finally, but a part of me is anxious over a possible valley up ahead. It helps me to converse and read re folks who have been there & just understand. Thanks for just being here.
galinaqt, I know what you mean about some mamas. That is the hardest cut, isn't it. I hope you can realize that she is just not well & is in denial as to her problem. Having lost mine recently I can tell you now that I choose to believe she was just not in control & would've never said/done those things to me had she been truly aware of the effects. Easier to feel that way now that she's .... it was harder when I had to be staring it face to face, I know. I do not envy that thing you must do now. Hope you have some coping tecniques???
Sounds like hubby would help you more if he would stop the shoulding & just say "I know that must hurt you; anything I can do/say to help?" Survivors of trauma feel like they've been through their own holocaust, I know. Because the perpetrators of same are not supposed to be the enemy. It just makes it so hard to trust when you've gotten this from your own parent(s)...hard to trust anyone if you can't even trust them. :(
Maybe you could locate help with the areas in which you are weak??? It sounds to me you've got it all going on & just need a someone who has the attributes you are challenged in? I am learning that it is okay to ask for help when we need it. You seem such a giving person and I wonder if you are -as myself - too embarassed to ask things of others, at times. I am working on this, myself...
I wish I'd found you all 5 or 6 mos ago; I would've really benefitted from having another source to vent with. The tools I am using appear to be working now, finally, but a part of me is anxious over a possible valley up ahead. It helps me to converse and read re folks who have been there & just understand. Thanks for just being here.
galinaqt, I know what you mean about some mamas. That is the hardest cut, isn't it. I hope you can realize that she is just not well & is in denial as to her problem. Having lost mine recently I can tell you now that I choose to believe she was just not in control & would've never said/done those things to me had she been truly aware of the effects. Easier to feel that way now that she's .... it was harder when I had to be staring it face to face, I know. I do not envy that thing you must do now. Hope you have some coping tecniques???
Sounds like hubby would help you more if he would stop the shoulding & just say "I know that must hurt you; anything I can do/say to help?" Survivors of trauma feel like they've been through their own holocaust, I know. Because the perpetrators of same are not supposed to be the enemy. It just makes it so hard to trust when you've gotten this from your own parent(s)...hard to trust anyone if you can't even trust them. :(
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 01:55 PM
FTM,
Maybe you could locate help with the areas in which you are weak??? It sounds to me you've got it all going on & just need a someone who has the attributes you are challenged in? I am learning that it is okay to ask for help when we need it. You seem such a giving person and I wonder if you are -as myself - too embarassed to ask things of others, at times. I am working on this, myself...
I wish I'd found you all 5 or 6 mos ago; I would've really benefitted from having another source to vent with. The tools I am using appear to be working now, finally, but a part of me is anxious over a possible valley up ahead. It helps me to converse and read re folks who have been there & just understand. Thanks for just being here.
It just makes it so hard to trust when you've gotten this from your own parent(s)...hard to trust anyone if you can't even trust them. :(
Dear missbluesky,
I have issues with trust. I am often too kind and giving so I easily get taken advantage of.
The one person alive (mom passed 2002) that I should be able to trust, I don't; not completely anyway.
It takes so much for me to put up a guard because it is not in my nature. People tend to break through it quite easily.
I am at a loss on this one.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Maybe you could locate help with the areas in which you are weak??? It sounds to me you've got it all going on & just need a someone who has the attributes you are challenged in? I am learning that it is okay to ask for help when we need it. You seem such a giving person and I wonder if you are -as myself - too embarassed to ask things of others, at times. I am working on this, myself...
I wish I'd found you all 5 or 6 mos ago; I would've really benefitted from having another source to vent with. The tools I am using appear to be working now, finally, but a part of me is anxious over a possible valley up ahead. It helps me to converse and read re folks who have been there & just understand. Thanks for just being here.
It just makes it so hard to trust when you've gotten this from your own parent(s)...hard to trust anyone if you can't even trust them. :(
Dear missbluesky,
I have issues with trust. I am often too kind and giving so I easily get taken advantage of.
The one person alive (mom passed 2002) that I should be able to trust, I don't; not completely anyway.
It takes so much for me to put up a guard because it is not in my nature. People tend to break through it quite easily.
I am at a loss on this one.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
galinaqt
01-26-2007, 02:15 PM
FTM,
Maybe you could locate help with the areas in which you are weak??? It sounds to me you've got it all going on & just need a someone who has the attributes you are challenged in? I am learning that it is okay to ask for help when we need it. You seem such a giving person and I wonder if you are -as myself - too embarassed to ask things of others, at times. I am working on this, myself...
I wish I'd found you all 5 or 6 mos ago; I would've really benefitted from having another source to vent with. The tools I am using appear to be working now, finally, but a part of me is anxious over a possible valley up ahead. It helps me to converse and read re folks who have been there & just understand. Thanks for just being here.
galinaqt, I know what you mean about some mamas. That is the hardest cut, isn't it. I hope you can realize that she is just not well & is in denial as to her problem. Having lost mine recently I can tell you now that I choose to believe she was just not in control & would've never said/done those things to me had she been truly aware of the effects. Easier to feel that way now that she's .... it was harder when I had to be staring it face to face, I know. I do not envy that thing you must do now. Hope you have some coping tecniques???
Sounds like hubby would help you more if he would stop the shoulding & just say "I know that must hurt you; anything I can do/say to help?" Survivors of trauma feel like they've been through their own holocaust, I know. Because the perpetrators of same are not supposed to be the enemy. It just makes it so hard to trust when you've gotten this from your own parent(s)...hard to trust anyone if you can't even trust them. :(
I got hurt real bad when I unconditionaly trusted my family otherwise who can we trust and it was in the country where no freedom and everybody tightly depends on each other for basic needs.
My mother even told me once that one should use "low of jungle" living in the family and she was trying to teach me technices not to be too good housewife since it could spoil a husband, she didn't spoil us for sure.
One shrink I tried told me that my mother is a poison I should avoid but how can you realisticly do it. It happened that I myself encouraged parents to move closer since she needed to leave in the building equipped for disabled people and it would be easier for me to help if necessity occurs. My father didn't really want to leave in my area but closer to his relatives. Now he is saying that what for I did it, since I almost never come anyway.
Last time I saw her, she doesn't even say anything which keeps me going but even seeing her seems push the button.
I really don't know any technicue, except keep myself busy with useful stuff and it is a lot of it, shopping relaxing me, doing facial, manicure/pedicure, talking to friends/relatives this stuff takes my mind out for little bit.
My husband is not very happy when I stressed about my mother, he said it is like 3 of us in the bed, but what can I do. Having 4 year old is a big stress contributor as well.
I know lot of my coworkers have big problems - one lost his son, another has sick mean wife he wants to divorce but they manage to come to work, act normal, do there stuff, I seemed just can't enjoy myself 'cause all that past problems and mother's behavior.
Maybe you could locate help with the areas in which you are weak??? It sounds to me you've got it all going on & just need a someone who has the attributes you are challenged in? I am learning that it is okay to ask for help when we need it. You seem such a giving person and I wonder if you are -as myself - too embarassed to ask things of others, at times. I am working on this, myself...
I wish I'd found you all 5 or 6 mos ago; I would've really benefitted from having another source to vent with. The tools I am using appear to be working now, finally, but a part of me is anxious over a possible valley up ahead. It helps me to converse and read re folks who have been there & just understand. Thanks for just being here.
galinaqt, I know what you mean about some mamas. That is the hardest cut, isn't it. I hope you can realize that she is just not well & is in denial as to her problem. Having lost mine recently I can tell you now that I choose to believe she was just not in control & would've never said/done those things to me had she been truly aware of the effects. Easier to feel that way now that she's .... it was harder when I had to be staring it face to face, I know. I do not envy that thing you must do now. Hope you have some coping tecniques???
Sounds like hubby would help you more if he would stop the shoulding & just say "I know that must hurt you; anything I can do/say to help?" Survivors of trauma feel like they've been through their own holocaust, I know. Because the perpetrators of same are not supposed to be the enemy. It just makes it so hard to trust when you've gotten this from your own parent(s)...hard to trust anyone if you can't even trust them. :(
I got hurt real bad when I unconditionaly trusted my family otherwise who can we trust and it was in the country where no freedom and everybody tightly depends on each other for basic needs.
My mother even told me once that one should use "low of jungle" living in the family and she was trying to teach me technices not to be too good housewife since it could spoil a husband, she didn't spoil us for sure.
One shrink I tried told me that my mother is a poison I should avoid but how can you realisticly do it. It happened that I myself encouraged parents to move closer since she needed to leave in the building equipped for disabled people and it would be easier for me to help if necessity occurs. My father didn't really want to leave in my area but closer to his relatives. Now he is saying that what for I did it, since I almost never come anyway.
Last time I saw her, she doesn't even say anything which keeps me going but even seeing her seems push the button.
I really don't know any technicue, except keep myself busy with useful stuff and it is a lot of it, shopping relaxing me, doing facial, manicure/pedicure, talking to friends/relatives this stuff takes my mind out for little bit.
My husband is not very happy when I stressed about my mother, he said it is like 3 of us in the bed, but what can I do. Having 4 year old is a big stress contributor as well.
I know lot of my coworkers have big problems - one lost his son, another has sick mean wife he wants to divorce but they manage to come to work, act normal, do there stuff, I seemed just can't enjoy myself 'cause all that past problems and mother's behavior.
hergy
01-26-2007, 08:43 PM
PTSD,
I HATE YOU.
I hate your swinging fists, your movies in my head, your strikes at my friends, the holes you bore in my face allowing empty tears to fall.
I hate that you make me feel like my stainless steel friends are to be preferred so often over the company of a loving hug or encouraging word.
Were it in my power, I would set you ablaze and hope you suffered as long as the oldest sufferer of PTSD before you turned to ash and blew away.
I HATE YOU.
I hate your swinging fists, your movies in my head, your strikes at my friends, the holes you bore in my face allowing empty tears to fall.
I hate that you make me feel like my stainless steel friends are to be preferred so often over the company of a loving hug or encouraging word.
Were it in my power, I would set you ablaze and hope you suffered as long as the oldest sufferer of PTSD before you turned to ash and blew away.
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 08:49 PM
I'll get the "psychologically approved" lighting fluid. All you need do is bring the match...........................and all are welcome.
Phoenix
01-26-2007, 08:54 PM
If there was ever a time to post everyone, now would be that time.
ICC
01-27-2007, 07:26 AM
PTSD:mad: -----I also hate you as Nikki does. FTM---get out the burning fluid. it's time. I have watched for too long good people be crippled by this disorder. what i hear in every post is the desire to be whole and happy and peaceful AGAIN. so I say we must all have been at some time in out lives. TRAUMA, HURT, ABUSE, NEGLIGENCE, THE MEANIES OF THE WORLD, BEING MORE SENSITIVE THAN MOST (WHICH CAM FIRST ? PTSD OR THE SENSITIVITY)horrible mothers, rapes, violating a child at the deepest level. we all come here and share for the same reason. to help others and to gain some insight into ourselves. I still cannot come out and play as I used to but do check on everyone everyday. I feel as if my demons are where they belong (in the past) but the love and compassion I have found here makes cyber space very difficult for me as being friends when one of us is in the "black whole" I just want to scream. It stresses me to a bad point that i can't handle. It's almost unreal to me at times. and trying to live in the here and now makes it difficult to post. at times I feel i have made some headway and will feel someone else's pain and it feels like my own.hence a setback. even though i love all of you and pray for your recovery I am starting to distance myself from the group as a survival tactic. I know each of you understands. when one of us is in a bad place I just want to grab them and can't and it has become one of those things I cannot control. I have to get back to being objective and know that though we love each other deeply cyber space is as far as we can take it. I am beginning to feel as if i have lost touch with reality and live my life hurrying to get back here. I am losing touch with family and want to be with you all the time. I realize this is unhealthy so am trying to get an equal balance and no the boundaries of what we can/cannot do for each other.
isitme-----again you've done it. THINK, ACT, BEHAVE, REACT. you know i love your lists and usually right them down. these are the things i am trying to do in everyday life without bringing the past into it. getting better at accepting and forgetting but am not there yet. very shaky.
Love you all,
ICC
isitme-----again you've done it. THINK, ACT, BEHAVE, REACT. you know i love your lists and usually right them down. these are the things i am trying to do in everyday life without bringing the past into it. getting better at accepting and forgetting but am not there yet. very shaky.
Love you all,
ICC
hergy
01-27-2007, 07:43 AM
I feel as if my demons are where they belong (in the past) but the love and compassion I have found here makes cyber space very difficult for me as being friends when one of us is in the "black whole" I just want to scream. It stresses me to a bad point that i can't handle. It's almost unreal to me at times. and trying to live in the here and now makes it difficult to post...a setback. even though i love all of you and pray for your recovery I am starting to distance myself from the group as a survival tactic. I know each of you understands. when one of us is in a bad place I just want to grab them and can't and it has become one of those things I cannot control. I am losing touch with family and want to be with you all the time. I realize this is unhealthy so am trying to get an equal balance and no the boundaries of what we can/cannot do for each other.
Thank you for opening up the way for me with this post, ICC. I was afraid to make this step right now. I also can't handle the stress of my missing friends. I've been experiencing a setback, as well.
Distancing myself is also my survival tactic. That's why I posted on another thread that I'm getting numb and cold. I love you all so much. But I'm also losing touch with reality, and I already wasn't balanced before I began posting.
I can't go on posting when my mind is elsewhere. I'm not grounded anymore because I also have that 'surreal' feeling.
I will check from time to time, because I'm concerned about the welfare of my cyber family, but the thought of losing any one of you tugs mercilessly at my heart.
I'm ok. I've got my therapist, my best friend and my psychiatrist.
Please be ok, guys. I'll never be able to stop caring. Please. Be ok.
Nikki
Thank you for opening up the way for me with this post, ICC. I was afraid to make this step right now. I also can't handle the stress of my missing friends. I've been experiencing a setback, as well.
Distancing myself is also my survival tactic. That's why I posted on another thread that I'm getting numb and cold. I love you all so much. But I'm also losing touch with reality, and I already wasn't balanced before I began posting.
I can't go on posting when my mind is elsewhere. I'm not grounded anymore because I also have that 'surreal' feeling.
I will check from time to time, because I'm concerned about the welfare of my cyber family, but the thought of losing any one of you tugs mercilessly at my heart.
I'm ok. I've got my therapist, my best friend and my psychiatrist.
Please be ok, guys. I'll never be able to stop caring. Please. Be ok.
Nikki
Phoenix
01-27-2007, 07:47 AM
Dear ICY,
As you have stated in a previous post, I stand behind any decision that you make, especially bif you feel strong enough about it.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
As you have stated in a previous post, I stand behind any decision that you make, especially bif you feel strong enough about it.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Phoenix
01-27-2007, 07:58 AM
Thank you for opening up the way for me with this post, ICC. I was afraid to make this step right now. I also can't handle the stress of my missing friends. I've been experiencing a setback, as well.
Distancing myself is also my survival tactic. That's why I posted on another thread that I'm getting numb and cold. I love you all so much. But I'm also losing touch with reality, and I already wasn't balanced before I began posting.
I can't go on posting when my mind is elsewhere. I'm not grounded anymore because I also have that 'surreal' feeling.
I will check from time to time, because I'm concerned about the welfare of my cyber family, but the thought of losing any one of you tugs mercilessly at my heart.
I'm ok. I've got my therapist, my best friend and my psychiatrist.
Please be ok, guys. I'll never be able to stop caring. Please. Be ok.
Nikki
Dear Nikki,
I guess there's no swaying you from your decision. You ultimately must do what you need to. just remember that we are only a post away.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Distancing myself is also my survival tactic. That's why I posted on another thread that I'm getting numb and cold. I love you all so much. But I'm also losing touch with reality, and I already wasn't balanced before I began posting.
I can't go on posting when my mind is elsewhere. I'm not grounded anymore because I also have that 'surreal' feeling.
I will check from time to time, because I'm concerned about the welfare of my cyber family, but the thought of losing any one of you tugs mercilessly at my heart.
I'm ok. I've got my therapist, my best friend and my psychiatrist.
Please be ok, guys. I'll never be able to stop caring. Please. Be ok.
Nikki
Dear Nikki,
I guess there's no swaying you from your decision. You ultimately must do what you need to. just remember that we are only a post away.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
hergy
01-27-2007, 08:03 AM
just remember that we are only a post away.
FTM,
I guess we're on this board at the same time this morning.
Thank you for the help you give me. You're a wonderful man with a very big heart.
I will think of you every day. Stay strong. The option to post will never leave my head, heart or fingers.
Love and big hugs, for you and FM,
Nikki and Hannah
FTM,
I guess we're on this board at the same time this morning.
Thank you for the help you give me. You're a wonderful man with a very big heart.
I will think of you every day. Stay strong. The option to post will never leave my head, heart or fingers.
Love and big hugs, for you and FM,
Nikki and Hannah
Phoenix
01-27-2007, 08:14 AM
Dear Nikki and Hannah,
Now that the two of you are together(at least that's where "we" left you two.) I would have to say that my work is done.
It may be a bit uncomfortable at times but use your support systems and carry the "tools" that you have picked up here.
Nikki,
You will be fine; convince yourself and you are halfway there.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Now that the two of you are together(at least that's where "we" left you two.) I would have to say that my work is done.
It may be a bit uncomfortable at times but use your support systems and carry the "tools" that you have picked up here.
Nikki,
You will be fine; convince yourself and you are halfway there.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
ICC
01-27-2007, 08:17 AM
Nikki and FTM----thank you both for understanding. i was glad even though it took a few days for me to word what i was feeling that i was finally able to. I am not leaving for good but find that I was distancing myself from my family and therapist and wanted to be here with all of you all the time. there were scary days when know one was here for awhile and that started me believing it was on ME. Always remember it is about YOU and GOD! without Him we are all alone no matter who we can see and touch. my daughter would come home from work and ask how I was and there were times I yelled at her that i "was busy" well i was busy here and couldn't let go. not fair to me or my family.It is the nature of the disorder that sometimes demands instant answers becasue of fear and the nature of forums doesn't always allow for that.BUT my family is always here. They have been reaching their hands out to me and I have been ignoring them, their comfort, their support. I love each of you in a unique way and pray everyday that we all recover but something happened somewhere down the road that I knew I couln't go back. I was getting a handle on all of my demons and after reading hurts of others was starting to regress into myself again. I can't let that happen. I don't want it to happen. Have come to far at least in understanding the disorder and what makes me who I am today, my past is apart of meand always will be but it must be kept where it is. IN THE PAST. no one is hurting me now and I can't live everyday with that feeling that they are. I hope someday to be where sannah is. all the demons gone boundaries built so I am strong enough to give back what was given to me but right now it still cuts me when I hear your pain and instead of being able to help it is weakening me and keeping me locked in my past.
FTM----you are dealing and have come out so much. I will check in periodically to see how eveyone is doing.
Nikki---trust your "mother" on this one. LET IT GO!!!! you know that is not easy for me to say but today is today not yesterday, last year or 30 years ago. you are a strong, intelligent, capable young woman who deserves to look in the mirror and smile at the woman looking back at you. Loe Hannah always but remember scars are scars. physical , mental or emotional. they are scars and they can heal if we let them. It's your time to step up to the plate and let them heal. Take the power over yourself back and get it out of anyone else's grip. I love you and know you will be fine if you will let yourself be.
I will check in but only post if i feel i have something to offer. so know that I will see all messages and respond accordingly.
Love,
ICY;)
FTM----you are dealing and have come out so much. I will check in periodically to see how eveyone is doing.
Nikki---trust your "mother" on this one. LET IT GO!!!! you know that is not easy for me to say but today is today not yesterday, last year or 30 years ago. you are a strong, intelligent, capable young woman who deserves to look in the mirror and smile at the woman looking back at you. Loe Hannah always but remember scars are scars. physical , mental or emotional. they are scars and they can heal if we let them. It's your time to step up to the plate and let them heal. Take the power over yourself back and get it out of anyone else's grip. I love you and know you will be fine if you will let yourself be.
I will check in but only post if i feel i have something to offer. so know that I will see all messages and respond accordingly.
Love,
ICY;)
Phoenix
01-27-2007, 08:31 AM
FTM----you are dealing and have come out so much. I will check in periodically to see how eveyone is doing.
Dear ICY,
I'll hold you to it;) .
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Dear ICY,
I'll hold you to it;) .
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
ICC
01-27-2007, 08:38 AM
FTM----i have to stop trying to log on using ICY:dizzy:
You can hold me to it as I believe we were the first 2 here and I have no intention of leaving you. will just not be "18" or "27" posts a day. will chekc everyday so i will not miss any messages or anything i can help with. will continue to pray for Sid.
Love you always,
ICY;)
You can hold me to it as I believe we were the first 2 here and I have no intention of leaving you. will just not be "18" or "27" posts a day. will chekc everyday so i will not miss any messages or anything i can help with. will continue to pray for Sid.
Love you always,
ICY;)
isitme
01-27-2007, 11:47 AM
I was getting a handle on all of my demons and after reading hurts of others was starting to regress into myself again. I can't let that happen. I don't want it to happen. Have come to far at least in understanding the disorder and what makes me who I am today, my past is apart of meand always will be but it must be kept where it is. IN THE PAST.
icc - I can totally relate. I was being so serious, saying how dizzy I was getting with reading so much. I couldn't keep up. I was also accused of being 'obsessed' with another forum I belonged to!!!!! I called it 'learning and recovering'.;) We all deserve to look after our own interests.
sid - I hope that numb phase passes quickly.
icc - I can totally relate. I was being so serious, saying how dizzy I was getting with reading so much. I couldn't keep up. I was also accused of being 'obsessed' with another forum I belonged to!!!!! I called it 'learning and recovering'.;) We all deserve to look after our own interests.
sid - I hope that numb phase passes quickly.
JACKFLASH
01-27-2007, 10:54 PM
FTM
I found your original post inspirational. I need as much inspiration as I can get at this point in my recovery. I am still in pain. I have an hard time posting due to the depression. I don't want to go out or be social. It is so nice to see you all supporting each outher. Keep up the good work.
Jack
I found your original post inspirational. I need as much inspiration as I can get at this point in my recovery. I am still in pain. I have an hard time posting due to the depression. I don't want to go out or be social. It is so nice to see you all supporting each outher. Keep up the good work.
Jack
Phoenix
01-28-2007, 05:35 AM
FTM
I found your original post inspirational. I need as much inspiration as I can get at this point in my recovery. I am still in pain. I have an hard time posting due to the depression. I don't want to go out or be social. It is so nice to see you all supporting each outher. Keep up the good work.
Jack
Dear Jack,
Where there is inspiration, there is hope; which brings with it endless possibilities.
What part brought about the inspiration?
I hear you about the depression but you posted despite that, which is to be commended.
I noticed that you stated "I don't want to."
This is better than saying I can't.
Allow us to be there for you also.
Please keep posting and by doing so, you will allow us to share your pain.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
I found your original post inspirational. I need as much inspiration as I can get at this point in my recovery. I am still in pain. I have an hard time posting due to the depression. I don't want to go out or be social. It is so nice to see you all supporting each outher. Keep up the good work.
Jack
Dear Jack,
Where there is inspiration, there is hope; which brings with it endless possibilities.
What part brought about the inspiration?
I hear you about the depression but you posted despite that, which is to be commended.
I noticed that you stated "I don't want to."
This is better than saying I can't.
Allow us to be there for you also.
Please keep posting and by doing so, you will allow us to share your pain.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
Sannah
01-28-2007, 07:59 AM
It is so nice to see you all supporting each outher. Keep up the good work.
Jack, you can also become a participating member of this group! And if all you can handle is getting the support, this is fine too!
Jack, you can also become a participating member of this group! And if all you can handle is getting the support, this is fine too!
JACKFLASH
01-28-2007, 04:12 PM
I liked the way you portrayed PTSD as an unwanted intruder. That is what it is. It snuck up on me and took my normal life. I was functioning in this crazy world. Now i feel like I can barely function. I push myself every day to appear normal but inside my heart is breaking. I have so much anxiety today that I feel sick. I still forced myself to go to work and put on my brave face. Thank you for your support.
Jack
Jack
Sannah
01-28-2007, 04:38 PM
Jack, why don't you unload a bit of your stress here so that you can feel a little better? What has been going on that is causing the most trouble for you?
Phoenix
01-28-2007, 06:29 PM
I liked the way you portrayed PTSD as an unwanted intruder. That is what it is. It snuck up on me and took my normal life. I was functioning in this crazy world. Now i feel like I can barely function. I push myself every day to appear normal but inside my heart is breaking. I have so much anxiety today that I feel sick. I still forced myself to go to work and put on my brave face. Thank you for your support.
Jack
Dear Jack,
I too was functioning and then, dysfunction became the "soup of the day" and then I was involved in a MVA and it's "deja vu all over again."
Let's talk.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Jack
Dear Jack,
I too was functioning and then, dysfunction became the "soup of the day" and then I was involved in a MVA and it's "deja vu all over again."
Let's talk.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
JACKFLASH
01-28-2007, 07:10 PM
My parents have been comming to help me. I can bearly get out of my own way lately. It is a mixed blessing. My mother wants to talk about my recovery alot. She means well and I love her alot. She has alot of advice. My parents were unaware of the sexual abuse. I was raped and molested by my best friends brother. I was only 10 he was 15. It went on for years. I protected him because I loved him. He became my friend and protector. But he betrayed me and my trust. He took advantage of a little girl. I feel guilt for loving him. I believed for awhile that we had a child together. My parents swear we did not have a child. I believe them. But there is something locked in my brain trying to come out. Befor 18 months ago I had no childhood memory. my memories started at age 14. Now I know why. The conflict between my memory and the verifiable truth is making me crazy. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Thanks for listening.
Jack
Jack
Sannah
01-29-2007, 11:22 AM
Hey Jack, I'm sorry that you had to go through all that! Keep posting if it helps you to unload a bit. Are you in therapy?
missbluesky
01-29-2007, 03:58 PM
Pain became dull with the time. My mother is a big source of irritation and she is very sick I can't avoid her. I should stay at her place today and tomorrow. I keep leaving with negative feelings and keep doing what I suppose to do. When I am very busy it distructs me.
My husband was trying to help me talking about people parished in Halocaust at least it didn't happpened to me. I have my relatives as an example of better life due to there parents were not as egoistic and stupid as my mother and it is also hard.
Hi galinaqt, been out of town. I can relate to this so well. Respecting my own mama ordeal, I likened it to growing up in a concentration camp, to add to that analogy. Hope it all went well for you. I had my 2 aunts, one of which helped to rear me & I called her my spiritual mom. She passed in June, 1 month before mommie dearest did. 'Busyness' is one of my methods, also; maybe not my best, but better than sleeping all day. I do hope it all went okay for you. :angel:
My husband was trying to help me talking about people parished in Halocaust at least it didn't happpened to me. I have my relatives as an example of better life due to there parents were not as egoistic and stupid as my mother and it is also hard.
Hi galinaqt, been out of town. I can relate to this so well. Respecting my own mama ordeal, I likened it to growing up in a concentration camp, to add to that analogy. Hope it all went well for you. I had my 2 aunts, one of which helped to rear me & I called her my spiritual mom. She passed in June, 1 month before mommie dearest did. 'Busyness' is one of my methods, also; maybe not my best, but better than sleeping all day. I do hope it all went okay for you. :angel:
missbluesky
01-29-2007, 04:21 PM
Dear missbluesky,
I have issues with trust. I am often too kind and giving so I easily get taken advantage of.
The one person alive (mom passed 2002) that I should be able to trust, I don't; not completely anyway.
It takes so much for me to put up a guard because it is not in my nature. People tend to break through it quite easily.
I am at a loss on this one.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
FTM,
I can relate to you so much in this trust thing; I am wrestling with trust issues in a big way. But I have also come to believe these crises sometimes are there to help in forcing the issue of necessary change. I was one paycheck away from being homeless after losing a job which paid well, but which I hated. I was let go for being too sensitive,- some call/think as a handicap - but I think now a gift the world needs. I was about to end my life when a new career path opened for me, after much prayer/meditation, soul searching, fasting & the like. I would've never done all that without feeling truly at the end of my rope. I now think I was forced through all the desperation in order for me to be receptive to a better avenue...one utilizing my best talents and gifts & not these jive ones I was forced to fake at my other position.
I hope I pray the same for you, and that it is not as hard won as my own, due to being so insecure and stubbornly clinging to a life I truly did not love, and did not love me.:angel:
I can tell you are gifted and I get a really good feeling that things will be okay for you. I hate cliches but this one I learned the hard way: 'the darkest hour is before the dawn' I think it is a test on the 'heros journey', to quote Joseph Campbell...could this possibly be the case for you, also I like to think.
I have issues with trust. I am often too kind and giving so I easily get taken advantage of.
The one person alive (mom passed 2002) that I should be able to trust, I don't; not completely anyway.
It takes so much for me to put up a guard because it is not in my nature. People tend to break through it quite easily.
I am at a loss on this one.
Take care
God Bless:angel:
FTM
FTM,
I can relate to you so much in this trust thing; I am wrestling with trust issues in a big way. But I have also come to believe these crises sometimes are there to help in forcing the issue of necessary change. I was one paycheck away from being homeless after losing a job which paid well, but which I hated. I was let go for being too sensitive,- some call/think as a handicap - but I think now a gift the world needs. I was about to end my life when a new career path opened for me, after much prayer/meditation, soul searching, fasting & the like. I would've never done all that without feeling truly at the end of my rope. I now think I was forced through all the desperation in order for me to be receptive to a better avenue...one utilizing my best talents and gifts & not these jive ones I was forced to fake at my other position.
I hope I pray the same for you, and that it is not as hard won as my own, due to being so insecure and stubbornly clinging to a life I truly did not love, and did not love me.:angel:
I can tell you are gifted and I get a really good feeling that things will be okay for you. I hate cliches but this one I learned the hard way: 'the darkest hour is before the dawn' I think it is a test on the 'heros journey', to quote Joseph Campbell...could this possibly be the case for you, also I like to think.
Sannah
01-29-2007, 04:31 PM
But I have also come to believe these crises sometimes are there to help in forcing the issue of necessary change.
Bluesky, I agree with this 100%. I have told others here that I waited for things to trigger a problem because this was the only way I was going to solve the issue and get to a healthier me.
Bluesky, I agree with this 100%. I have told others here that I waited for things to trigger a problem because this was the only way I was going to solve the issue and get to a healthier me.
missbluesky
01-29-2007, 04:43 PM
I got hurt real bad when I unconditionaly trusted my family otherwise who can we trust and it was in the country where no freedom and everybody tightly depends on each other for basic needs.
My mother even told me once that one should use "low of jungle" living in the family and she was trying to teach me technices not to be too good housewife since it could spoil a husband, she didn't spoil us for sure.
One shrink I tried told me that my mother is a poison I should avoid but how can you realisticly do it. It happened that I myself encouraged parents to move closer since she needed to leave in the building equipped for disabled people and it would be easier for me to help if necessity occurs. My father didn't really want to leave in my area but closer to his relatives. Now he is saying that what for I did it, since I almost never come anyway.
Last time I saw her, she doesn't even say anything which keeps me going but even seeing her seems push the button.
I really don't know any technicue, except keep myself busy with useful stuff and it is a lot of it, shopping relaxing me, doing facial, manicure/pedicure, talking to friends/relatives this stuff takes my mind out for little bit.
My husband is not very happy when I stressed about my mother, he said it is like 3 of us in the bed, but what can I do. Having 4 year old is a big stress contributor as well.
I know lot of my coworkers have big problems - one lost his son, another has sick mean wife he wants to divorce but they manage to come to work, act normal, do there stuff, I seemed just can't enjoy myself 'cause all that past problems and mother's behavior.
I know that country life and it was very enmeshed and allowing no healthy boundaries for me; it works for some, if having a healthy and not toxic family dynamic. Mine did not; the reason I moved away from them. Hard to do when married, though.
I think useful things are such good therapy. Having no family to ground me can make that a challenge for me sometimes...I would get busy with unuseful things and have guilt over that.
I wish I'd've got the silent treatment from mine as opposed to yelling, lying and manipulation, impossible to hold a rational conversation over anything that mattered but I know that cold silent treatment can be a deadly strategy when you just know there is so much in the silence:dizzy:
My mother even told me once that one should use "low of jungle" living in the family and she was trying to teach me technices not to be too good housewife since it could spoil a husband, she didn't spoil us for sure.
One shrink I tried told me that my mother is a poison I should avoid but how can you realisticly do it. It happened that I myself encouraged parents to move closer since she needed to leave in the building equipped for disabled people and it would be easier for me to help if necessity occurs. My father didn't really want to leave in my area but closer to his relatives. Now he is saying that what for I did it, since I almost never come anyway.
Last time I saw her, she doesn't even say anything which keeps me going but even seeing her seems push the button.
I really don't know any technicue, except keep myself busy with useful stuff and it is a lot of it, shopping relaxing me, doing facial, manicure/pedicure, talking to friends/relatives this stuff takes my mind out for little bit.
My husband is not very happy when I stressed about my mother, he said it is like 3 of us in the bed, but what can I do. Having 4 year old is a big stress contributor as well.
I know lot of my coworkers have big problems - one lost his son, another has sick mean wife he wants to divorce but they manage to come to work, act normal, do there stuff, I seemed just can't enjoy myself 'cause all that past problems and mother's behavior.
I know that country life and it was very enmeshed and allowing no healthy boundaries for me; it works for some, if having a healthy and not toxic family dynamic. Mine did not; the reason I moved away from them. Hard to do when married, though.
I think useful things are such good therapy. Having no family to ground me can make that a challenge for me sometimes...I would get busy with unuseful things and have guilt over that.
I wish I'd've got the silent treatment from mine as opposed to yelling, lying and manipulation, impossible to hold a rational conversation over anything that mattered but I know that cold silent treatment can be a deadly strategy when you just know there is so much in the silence:dizzy:
missbluesky
01-29-2007, 10:43 PM
Bluesky, I agree with this 100%. I have told others here that I waited for things to trigger a problem because this was the only way I was going to solve the issue and get to a healthier me.
Sannah:wave:
Yes, and I do this sometimes, subconsciously I think, to force a change that I am trying to figure out a solution to.... something I have realized needs to change, but am too afraid or lacking in faith or vision to pull it off or figure the how tos of it.
I always read that this is how it works, but am now learning it is so true, and that if I can maintain one slim thread of hope, then something amazing can happen, if only I can not let go that little thread.
Sannah, is this is what you've learned, also???
Sannah:wave:
Yes, and I do this sometimes, subconsciously I think, to force a change that I am trying to figure out a solution to.... something I have realized needs to change, but am too afraid or lacking in faith or vision to pull it off or figure the how tos of it.
I always read that this is how it works, but am now learning it is so true, and that if I can maintain one slim thread of hope, then something amazing can happen, if only I can not let go that little thread.
Sannah, is this is what you've learned, also???
ICC
01-30-2007, 12:52 PM
missbluesky and sannah---i also have noticed that sometimes we bring things on that force a change we need but can't seem to do. I guess fear of the unknown stops us. Though i didn't get injured intentionally it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. brought the PTSD to the surface and got me out of many situations that were destroying me. sounds crazy but true. I guess in desperation I worked and worked until my body broke. that was the beginning for me, not the end.
Hugs,
ICC
Hugs,
ICC
missbluesky
01-31-2007, 01:02 AM
missbluesky and sannah---i also have noticed that sometimes we bring things on that force a change we need but can't seem to do. I guess fear of the unknown stops us. Though i didn't get injured intentionally it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. brought the PTSD to the surface and got me out of many situations that were destroying me. sounds crazy but true. I guess in desperation I worked and worked until my body broke. that was the beginning for me, not the end.
Hugs,
ICC
Hip hip hooray for you!! :wave:
Hugs,
ICC
Hip hip hooray for you!! :wave:
Phoenix
01-31-2007, 08:08 AM
i also have noticed that sometimes we bring things on that force a change we need but can't seem to do. I guess fear of the unknown stops us. Though i didn't get injured intentionally it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. brought the PTSD to the surface and got me out of many situations that were destroying me. sounds crazy but true. I guess in desperation I worked and worked until my body broke. that was the beginning for me, not the end.
Dear ICY grasshopper,
Think of the orient and it will make sense when I state that "I am learning more and more each day; thank you for bringing clarity to my vision "grasshopper.":)
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Dear ICY grasshopper,
Think of the orient and it will make sense when I state that "I am learning more and more each day; thank you for bringing clarity to my vision "grasshopper.":)
Take care
God Bless
FTM
ICC
01-31-2007, 08:44 AM
FTM---I am so glad i could help. i thought i sounded like a nut writing that post but it's how i feel. the PTSD lay buried though close to the surface for many years. I worked and functioned like any normal human being through it for many years. My job was killing me physically and mentally. Needed to leave it five years ago but financially couldn't. Well it finally broke me in more ways than one. I went through hell from May until just the past week maybe. Lost my paycheck of 20 years, have to pay an exuberant amount of money for health insurance, was basically called a liar and thief by WC, and through all this the PTSD came to the surface like a beast from hell. Nothing has changed except me. I have accepted it all and of course hope for the best outcome but know that i will handle however it all ends. the anger at my co-workers for walking away when i needed help is gone. I would not be here with a broken body if I didn't do the job alone BUT more so mentally and emotionally I had to get out of there. I am indifferent to them all now. no feeling good or bad. I hope to win my WC case as I believe it is fair. I worked my butt off for 20 years and was injured. I feel they owe me something. Once this is behind me in a few weeks, win or lose, I will at least be free of the system. I have learned recently that freedom is essential to my being. though I have spent the better part of my life under someone's thumb and always had to do, do , do, always having to be somewhere at a given time, no room or time for diversions, I really never realized that i felt stifled. FREEDOM!!! to live my life as i see fit. it's my life, no one else's. there are things i like and things i dislike. i feel free to pick and choose now. My family is starting to understand that I can say "NO" with a smile. the outside world is learning that I am a force to be dealt with at times. I appreciate and respect your way of thinking and posting. Do you remember when I used to ask youto spell things out for me because i was sa dense nothing sunk in? Now I hear you loud and clear.
Hugs my friend,
"Grasshopper";)
Hugs my friend,
"Grasshopper";)
Phoenix
01-31-2007, 09:12 AM
Dear Grasshopper,
Let it out, why don't you:) .
I can see you needed that and it pleases me to know that you are getting stronger; more in touch with your "inner being."
It is true; you are a force to be reckoned with. In all actuality, we all are and the sooner the realization the more visible the path becomes.
Yes, you are definitely progressing "Grasshopper.":)
You are getting there and once you are "there", a new destination point will be revealed.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Let it out, why don't you:) .
I can see you needed that and it pleases me to know that you are getting stronger; more in touch with your "inner being."
It is true; you are a force to be reckoned with. In all actuality, we all are and the sooner the realization the more visible the path becomes.
Yes, you are definitely progressing "Grasshopper.":)
You are getting there and once you are "there", a new destination point will be revealed.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
ICC
01-31-2007, 09:44 AM
Did you like that FTM? I am like this all the time now. very gentle but say it like it is. When done at times in person people that are not used to the new me look at me like I have ten heads. I feel stronger than I have in years. fell like me. I am basically an easy going, kind, gentle, giving human being BUT can bite when necessary. I only feel it necessary when someone is trying to bite me, invade my privacy or try to force their beliefs and needs on me.
YEH GRASSHOPPER!!!:blob_fire
Hugs,
ICY
YEH GRASSHOPPER!!!:blob_fire
Hugs,
ICY
Phoenix
01-31-2007, 10:17 AM
Did you like that FTM? I am like this all the time now. very gentle but say it like it is. When done at times in person people that are not used to the new me look at me like I have ten heads. I feel stronger than I have in years. fell like me. I am basically an easy going, kind, gentle, giving human being BUT can bite when necessary. I only feel it necessary when someone is trying to bite me, invade my privacy or try to force their beliefs and needs on me.
YEH GRASSHOPPER!!!:blob_fire
Hugs,
ICY
Dear ICY,
I did like it, for it exuded reassurance.
There I go, wrong again...................
I thought you only had nine heads:jester: .
Remember and cherish the way you are feeling because every day will not have the same "enlightening" aspect to it. Knowing this will better prepare you for life's pitfalls; if and when they do occur.
Grasshopper must know one more thing; this transformation was only made possible by forces greater than ourselves.
Be ever mindful of this(I know that you are fully aware of this but it seemed appropriate to reiterate).
Take care
God Bless
FTM
YEH GRASSHOPPER!!!:blob_fire
Hugs,
ICY
Dear ICY,
I did like it, for it exuded reassurance.
There I go, wrong again...................
I thought you only had nine heads:jester: .
Remember and cherish the way you are feeling because every day will not have the same "enlightening" aspect to it. Knowing this will better prepare you for life's pitfalls; if and when they do occur.
Grasshopper must know one more thing; this transformation was only made possible by forces greater than ourselves.
Be ever mindful of this(I know that you are fully aware of this but it seemed appropriate to reiterate).
Take care
God Bless
FTM
ICC
01-31-2007, 10:46 AM
Oh my dear friend, you know I have a strong faith in the Almighty. wouldn't be here without Him. and I know that people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I agree that being comfortable with this feeling will aid me in the long run that's why I am trying to hold on to it to become more comfortable and like it is second skin for some day the "proverbial other shoe" may drop and if I remain strong and kno wwho I am will be better able to handle what comes my way. Didn't you think i was all cocky and full of myself? i hope not because that's not how I feel, just very free and lighter and am truly enjoying it, this is how life should be though i know it won't always be.
we'll talk somemore?
Grasshoppper:)
we'll talk somemore?
Grasshoppper:)
Phoenix
01-31-2007, 11:30 AM
Oh my dear friend, you know I have a strong faith in the Almighty. wouldn't be here without Him. and I know that people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I agree that being comfortable with this feeling will aid me in the long run that's why I am trying to hold on to it to become more comfortable and like it is second skin for some day the "proverbial other shoe" may drop and if I remain strong and kno wwho I am will be better able to handle what comes my way. Didn't you think i was all cocky and full of myself? i hope not because that's not how I feel, just very free and lighter and am truly enjoying it, this is how life should be though i know it won't always be.
we'll talk somemore?
Grasshoppper:)
Dear Grasshopper,
I failed to see either "cocky or full of myself."
What I did see is a person that is showing pleasure at the fact that she is gaining a better undertanding of "self" and wants the world to know.
Proceed with caution; all the world may not be ready to accept the improvement.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
we'll talk somemore?
Grasshoppper:)
Dear Grasshopper,
I failed to see either "cocky or full of myself."
What I did see is a person that is showing pleasure at the fact that she is gaining a better undertanding of "self" and wants the world to know.
Proceed with caution; all the world may not be ready to accept the improvement.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Zally
01-31-2007, 11:39 AM
Proceed with caution; all the world may not be ready to accept the improvement.
Who cares if they don't like it! Don't lose your courage ICC and don't let anyone discourage you.
Who cares if they don't like it! Don't lose your courage ICC and don't let anyone discourage you.
ICC
01-31-2007, 12:04 PM
Hi Zally----- nice to meet you. I agree to keep my courage going and intend to.
FTM-----I do try to tone it down a notch in the "outside world" as I don't want to CAUSE confrontations. that's why I asked your opinion on the "cockiness". I have all the respect in the world for you and your opinion. You know me and I felt if that's what you were hearing I better tone it down even more. I have stood up for myself more times than i can count in the past week and my husband just sits there and smiles and applauds. He is very good at this and is very proud that I have come out from under the "rock". Your post on PTSD got it going.. after reading it I decided that the "beast" was not going to swallow me whole.
as always, your friend;)
Grasshopper
FTM-----I do try to tone it down a notch in the "outside world" as I don't want to CAUSE confrontations. that's why I asked your opinion on the "cockiness". I have all the respect in the world for you and your opinion. You know me and I felt if that's what you were hearing I better tone it down even more. I have stood up for myself more times than i can count in the past week and my husband just sits there and smiles and applauds. He is very good at this and is very proud that I have come out from under the "rock". Your post on PTSD got it going.. after reading it I decided that the "beast" was not going to swallow me whole.
as always, your friend;)
Grasshopper
Phoenix
01-31-2007, 04:23 PM
Dear Grasshopper,
It is part of human nature for some people to attempt the "crabs in a barrel" routine. Another one that comes to mind is "throwing a monkey wrench in one's program."
It boils down to whether a person radiates positivity or negativity.
Yet another saying; "misery loves company" pops up.
You will be alright as long as you keep where you were, are and plan to go, in perspective.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
It is part of human nature for some people to attempt the "crabs in a barrel" routine. Another one that comes to mind is "throwing a monkey wrench in one's program."
It boils down to whether a person radiates positivity or negativity.
Yet another saying; "misery loves company" pops up.
You will be alright as long as you keep where you were, are and plan to go, in perspective.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
ICC
01-31-2007, 04:51 PM
thanks my friend-----I felt for years that I attracted dysfunctional people. the "misery loves co." has always been on my mind. worked with alot of people who needed drama on a daily basis andif there was none made sure they created it. I'm surprised I didn't have the old NB 3 years ago. shared an office with a woman who screamed from first thing in the morning until the end of the day, everyday. Very negative atmosphere. Tried to stick to myself but trouble always found me. Part of my recovery is being away from them and the job itself for 8 months. I feel sometimes as if i am in slow motion. trying to always remember to stop and think before I act or react. I'm more peaceful right now than I have ever been since I was maybe 21. and you know how old I am. Alot of years to be in a crazy state of mind and to just shut down and go, go, go.
Be well and God bless you,
Grasshopper:)
Be well and God bless you,
Grasshopper:)
Phoenix
01-31-2007, 05:08 PM
thanks my friend-----I felt for years that I attracted dysfunctional people. the "misery loves co." has always been on my mind. worked with alot of people who needed drama on a daily basis andif there was none made sure they created it. I'm surprised I didn't have the old NB 3 years ago. shared an office with a woman who screamed from first thing in the morning until the end of the day, everyday. Very negative atmosphere. Tried to stick to myself but trouble always found me. Part of my recovery is being away from them and the job itself for 8 months. I feel sometimes as if i am in slow motion. trying to always remember to stop and think before I act or react. I'm more peaceful right now than I have ever been since I was maybe 21. and you know how old I am. Alot of years to be in a crazy state of mind and to just shut down and go, go, go.
Be well and God bless you,
Grasshopper:)
Dear Grasshopper,
You are "re-defining" your existence; take time with it; reflect and who knows what positivity you may rekindle. You're on the road; just keep both hands on the wheel!:D
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Be well and God bless you,
Grasshopper:)
Dear Grasshopper,
You are "re-defining" your existence; take time with it; reflect and who knows what positivity you may rekindle. You're on the road; just keep both hands on the wheel!:D
Take care
God Bless
FTM
ICC
01-31-2007, 05:53 PM
Dear FTM maybe i will call you "poe" i believe that was the grasshoppers teacher?? I am trying to establish realistic goals. I would like in one year to be able to be at least 50% pain free in the body and 100% pain free in my mind, either be retired and volunteering, or working at a job only PT that I truly enjoy and that fulfills my inner need to help people. I think 1 year is realistic BUT will still take one day at a time.
God bless,
Grasshopper:)
God bless,
Grasshopper:)
Phoenix
01-31-2007, 06:35 PM
Dear FTM maybe i will call you "poe" i believe that was the grasshoppers teacher?? I am trying to establish realistic goals. I would like in one year to be able to be at least 50% pain free in the body and 100% pain free in my mind, either be retired and volunteering, or working at a job only PT that I truly enjoy and that fulfills my inner need to help people. I think 1 year is realistic BUT will still take one day at a time.
God bless,
Grasshopper:)
Dear Grasshopper,
If you shoot for the planets and just reach the stars, it would be positive nonetheless and should not be an indication of failure; just plain and simple progress.
The human psyche is so complex that behavioral scientists realize that they have only scratched the surface.
If they don't know with a certainty; I believe you realize what I'm getting at.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
God bless,
Grasshopper:)
Dear Grasshopper,
If you shoot for the planets and just reach the stars, it would be positive nonetheless and should not be an indication of failure; just plain and simple progress.
The human psyche is so complex that behavioral scientists realize that they have only scratched the surface.
If they don't know with a certainty; I believe you realize what I'm getting at.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
stick2013
01-31-2007, 06:55 PM
Dear FTM,
OFF TOPIC!!!!! As I am typing this, I am watching a program about the DRX9000 and the 9000 C. Procedures instead of surgery. For back and cervical. For bulging, herniated, spinal degeneration, pressing nerves, ect..... Dr.Guerra in Albany NY.
May be worth a look into....
Hugs,
Sid
Sorry MODS I just wanted him to know right away.
OFF TOPIC!!!!! As I am typing this, I am watching a program about the DRX9000 and the 9000 C. Procedures instead of surgery. For back and cervical. For bulging, herniated, spinal degeneration, pressing nerves, ect..... Dr.Guerra in Albany NY.
May be worth a look into....
Hugs,
Sid
Sorry MODS I just wanted him to know right away.
Phoenix
01-31-2007, 07:53 PM
Dear FTM,
OFF TOPIC!!!!! As I am typing this, I am watching a program about the DRX9000 and the 9000 C. Procedures instead of surgery. For back and cervical. For bulging, herniated, spinal degeneration, pressing nerves, ect..... Dr.Guerra in Albany NY.
May be worth a look into....
Hugs,
Sid
Sorry MODS I just wanted him to know right away.
Dear Sid,
Looked into it and because of the pedicle screws and rods that I have in my back, I am on the "exclude" side of their list. Thank you (seriously grateful face) for just being you.
Hugs for my friend (if it's alright with you)..................
On second thought, a big Sears Tower hug for you.:D (no takebacks!):p
Take care
God Bless
FTM
OFF TOPIC!!!!! As I am typing this, I am watching a program about the DRX9000 and the 9000 C. Procedures instead of surgery. For back and cervical. For bulging, herniated, spinal degeneration, pressing nerves, ect..... Dr.Guerra in Albany NY.
May be worth a look into....
Hugs,
Sid
Sorry MODS I just wanted him to know right away.
Dear Sid,
Looked into it and because of the pedicle screws and rods that I have in my back, I am on the "exclude" side of their list. Thank you (seriously grateful face) for just being you.
Hugs for my friend (if it's alright with you)..................
On second thought, a big Sears Tower hug for you.:D (no takebacks!):p
Take care
God Bless
FTM
stick2013
01-31-2007, 08:32 PM
Dear FTM,
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: And I was so darn excited when I saw that on T.V. I'm sorry, pain just SUCKS!!!!!!! I know, between my back, the pain down my leg, and fibro, it just SUCKS!!!!!!
Well hopefully surgery will have a better outcome this time. I just hate to see anyone have back or neck surgery.
Hugs,
Sid
PS.......Anyone seen Sannah lately?????? She seems to be on the M.I.A. list for today!!!!!!
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: And I was so darn excited when I saw that on T.V. I'm sorry, pain just SUCKS!!!!!!! I know, between my back, the pain down my leg, and fibro, it just SUCKS!!!!!!
Well hopefully surgery will have a better outcome this time. I just hate to see anyone have back or neck surgery.
Hugs,
Sid
PS.......Anyone seen Sannah lately?????? She seems to be on the M.I.A. list for today!!!!!!
Phoenix
02-04-2007, 07:52 AM
Dear Sid,
Yes, pain does "suck."
I have been in pain for over 18 months and as I look around me, I now have realised how much my life has actually changed; and it's surreal.
The reality of it all has finally registered, as I knew it would someday.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Yes, pain does "suck."
I have been in pain for over 18 months and as I look around me, I now have realised how much my life has actually changed; and it's surreal.
The reality of it all has finally registered, as I knew it would someday.
Take care
God Bless
FTM