I'm not sure if you are Lurking out there some place, but I wanted you to know if you are......I love you, miss you bunches, and I am worried about you too. PLEASE be safe, and if you can......Pop in a leave a line or two....

I only lurked until I knew you were safe. That's why I'm posting. I know how worried I was about you, and it's not fair that I don't let you know my blood's still pumping.

I've noticed that an infectious funk has been travelling this board. Probably coincidence, but funk nonetheless.

I made an emergency call Sunday to my best friend. It was a dark day. Thirty years of denial finally turned into realization that something terrible happened, and no amount of pretending can make it not true. My world, my life, fell worthlessly, destroyed and ugly, at my feet. I was more ready than ever.

First, I made a few six-inch slices to distract me from the pain, but the pain, the blood, the punishment, didn't stop my head from exploding. I called my best friend. Screaming, crying like a lunatic, she actually reasoned with my crazybox self. Like I told you, I can't leave my best friend.

I'm thinking more clearly, but I discovered the truth that defense mechanisms defend, they don't make anything disappear. I lost a lot before I even knew I was losing. Finally I get it. I guess I can consider that a good thing. Since I can't make it not true, the least I can do is grab it by the neck and tell it how much I hate it.

I'm finally angry. I didn't even know what was being taken away. I was just surviving. When I was there, in that 'game,' I pretended to be someone else, somewhere else. As a reflex, I've done that all my life. So I have gaps during my growing up when I have no stinkin' idea what happened. I missed a lot. I still do it.

My memory hasn't granted me entry into complete revelation. That unknown place leaves me feeling incomplete - destroyed, and incomplete.

Talking with another close friend recently who's also been through her share of traumatic experiences, we agreed that the first trauma is the worst. You're whole before it happens. Each subsequent trauma is like an extension of the first. Like most people with PTSD, one trauma isn't it. There's more. I've got a list, but I felt worthless after the first one. So the following crap, while damaging, felt deserved, kind of like, what the hell, I'm already nothing.

I have humans who love me, so I can't give up, even though I desperately want to. I can't leave them with loss, questions, that they'll carry to their dying day. How dare I do that to end my own misery.

I'm fighting. I know now how much it must hurt my loved ones when they think they've seen me walk out the door for the last time.

I love you, Sid. I can't make you do anything. But if a girl who can't see you can care enough to fear what's happened to you, you've got lots of others who care, whether you know it or not.

You have always made me feel special because you care. But you don't have to feel pressure to fix anybody's problems. You've got your own. None of us are professionals, and I didn't begin posting on this board to get therapy. I needed a forum where I could possibly feel like I'm not alone. Like I'm not the freak.

Take the love that's sent your way. You are under no obligation to fix anything for anyone else. Feel cradled by sincere love. I never did this message board thing before this site. I didn't think I could care about a person I can't see, hear, even know where they live. But I can.

Take care of yourself. You are so important. I still think of you every day. I've gotten to know you a bit, so I can't let you float out of my consciousness.

Love,

Nikki