stick2013
01-27-2007, 09:53 AM
Hi All,
I am just numb, and have been sick physically too. How ironic I have had an intestinal bug for the past few days. If you read back into one of the post to Dustoff I did check in the other day.....The post where she said that hubby wouldn't be coming home for 4 more months.....
Icc & Nikki,
When I read the post from the both of you I cried....Your friendship is so important to me. I am so sorry that I can't be here to help the both of you, but I am just numb. Not sad, angry, happy, or depressed.....Just numb, and have nothing left to give. I haven't been out in 4 days, don't know when I will go out...
Hugs,
Sid
I am just numb, and have been sick physically too. How ironic I have had an intestinal bug for the past few days. If you read back into one of the post to Dustoff I did check in the other day.....The post where she said that hubby wouldn't be coming home for 4 more months.....
Icc & Nikki,
When I read the post from the both of you I cried....Your friendship is so important to me. I am so sorry that I can't be here to help the both of you, but I am just numb. Not sad, angry, happy, or depressed.....Just numb, and have nothing left to give. I haven't been out in 4 days, don't know when I will go out...
Hugs,
Sid
Sponsor
Sannah
01-27-2007, 10:38 AM
Sid, it is so good to hear from you. I am so sorry that you are feeling bad. Maybe you should take some time off from helping others and accept some help yourself?
ICC
01-27-2007, 09:09 PM
Sid-----don't you dare worry about anything except yourself until you are well again. just please know that you are not alone. I want to hug you and comfort you but know i can't and that makes it all the more difficult. You're strong, you will get through this in your own time and your own way. rest and heal. there has been a trauma whirlwing going on here for awhile and i think it took alot from all of us. but you being ahead of the game and going back so far i'm sure was like being traumatized all over.
I love you and will always pray for you!
ICC xo
I love you and will always pray for you!
ICC xo
stick2013
01-28-2007, 09:35 AM
Dear ICC & Sannah,
Thanks for the well wishes..... Today is a new day, with new feelings. :) Feeling ok.... The post that Zencat wrote, just sent me into a PTSD flashback spiral.... It wasn't nice at all. I had forgotten, not about the enemas but the wearing of it's affects. Brought me right back....I have hated that house since the day that I moved out of there. My sister still lives in it. Anyway, I was back there, and remembered everything. Even what was for lunch....Chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn. My brothers kept telling me that I was gross, and were making faces at me. All while I was crying and trying to eat.....
I am much better (a little time off from the world) Still haven't moved off the couch or been out but emotionally doing better. Now if I could just exercise I would feel great....It's just one step at a time......Doing what we have to do to get through.
Sorry if I worried you, but I did say that I needed a break, and I DID check in a few days ago.
ICC..... Love you bunches girl, and hang in there you too can overcome the beast too. Set those boundaries, protect yourself, stand up and scream to the world that you will NOT be subject to their S***.....
PTSD NEVER leaves totally, it always lingers just below the surface, and will rear it's ugly head when it can. It's learning coping skills to deal with it when it happens. I tend to remove myself from the place, do the things that I like(reading is my biggy) and pampering myself for awhile, and do NOTHING!!!! Those are the things that I have developed to help me.... Now you need to find what helps you.....
Love you hon......Sorry that I upset you, it wasn't my intention. Please take care of YOU!!!!!
Hugs,
Sid
Thanks for the well wishes..... Today is a new day, with new feelings. :) Feeling ok.... The post that Zencat wrote, just sent me into a PTSD flashback spiral.... It wasn't nice at all. I had forgotten, not about the enemas but the wearing of it's affects. Brought me right back....I have hated that house since the day that I moved out of there. My sister still lives in it. Anyway, I was back there, and remembered everything. Even what was for lunch....Chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn. My brothers kept telling me that I was gross, and were making faces at me. All while I was crying and trying to eat.....
I am much better (a little time off from the world) Still haven't moved off the couch or been out but emotionally doing better. Now if I could just exercise I would feel great....It's just one step at a time......Doing what we have to do to get through.
Sorry if I worried you, but I did say that I needed a break, and I DID check in a few days ago.
ICC..... Love you bunches girl, and hang in there you too can overcome the beast too. Set those boundaries, protect yourself, stand up and scream to the world that you will NOT be subject to their S***.....
PTSD NEVER leaves totally, it always lingers just below the surface, and will rear it's ugly head when it can. It's learning coping skills to deal with it when it happens. I tend to remove myself from the place, do the things that I like(reading is my biggy) and pampering myself for awhile, and do NOTHING!!!! Those are the things that I have developed to help me.... Now you need to find what helps you.....
Love you hon......Sorry that I upset you, it wasn't my intention. Please take care of YOU!!!!!
Hugs,
Sid
Sannah
01-28-2007, 01:02 PM
Sid, so glad to hear from you. I am glad that you are feeling a little better. Just wanted to disagree with you a bit about recovering from PTSD. I think that people can make a total recovery if they work through everything. Your therapists told you before that you shouldn't work through everything. I am sure that people have different degrees of trauma. Some with less trauma can work through it all. Maybe you can gradually work through it all? But I am glad that you are back!
ICC
01-28-2007, 03:57 PM
Dearest Sid------you didn't upset me. it was the nature of the traumas that did. while reading zencat's post I was starting to feel like exploding on someone, being a children's advocate, using your "bat". then as I continued to read your answer I wanted to kill someone. the anger was more intense than anything i have ever experienced before and IT DID scare the "cranky pants" off me. I knew you had been through hell and also knew that you had gone back to a place you didn't want to go to ever again. Also the knowledge that this was something so regressed in your memory scared me for you. I am so glad you are feeling better. one step at a time. At the time of all of this I became angry and overwelmed with PTSD. I'm sick of it and hate it with all my being. We CAN and WILL get well. TOTALLY!!!! I believe it is possible. My mind set these days is no matter what anyone has done to me they are not doing it now and never will again. Trying to spend as much time regrouping as possible, be with my family and getting to know the knew me. My past will always be apart of me but it no longer controls me. I am still a little insecure thinking , feeling and doing things so differently than I have all my life but the anxiety is subsiding. I hold nothing back anymore and tell it like it is without animosity or anger. I have to distance myself somewhat from the group as I am very uncomfortable, i guess after all the losses I have suffered, loving you all as I do and knowing you all could disappear at any moment. I understand it is the nature of forums but the nature of PTSD gives me that fear and insecurity. I almost feel as if I'm setting myself up for disappointment someday and am not willing to expose myself to anymore losses. So it will have to suffice for now until I am stronger to be here when i'm comfortable and only posting when I feel I can and I have something to offer. I will check in everyday to make sure everyone is progressing and to see if I can help.
Feel better my friend, the bubbles do wonders and know that I love you and pray for you daily. We would have been friends as children:blob_fire
Love,
ICC xo
Feel better my friend, the bubbles do wonders and know that I love you and pray for you daily. We would have been friends as children:blob_fire
Love,
ICC xo
stick2013
01-28-2007, 05:12 PM
HI ICC,
Thanks so much for the return post, I was beginning to think that you wouldn't return too soon. I understood, but it's still sad to think that a friend may never return...:confused:
Please don't ever get angry over something that myself or anyone else has gone through. Be upset, be concerned, but NEVER get angry. It's over, and has been for many years. I no longer carry the anger, and I don't want anyone else too either. Things happen for a reason....Who knows why any of us, have had to endure what we have been through. I actually consider myself very lucky that I didn't have worse abuse as a child. There are many other children who are so much worse off than I ever was....
I am glad that you are trying to take care of YOU, and setting boundaries. That in itself will help you so much. Just letting people know that they can't hurt you, use you or abuse you will self empower you. It will give you confidence to build healthy relationships with other people, and allow you to figure out WHO is healthy, and WHO is NOT!!!!!
Don't forget that soon, you need to go out in the community and be part of it again. Help out at a homeless shelter, a hospital, an elderly place, or volunteer to help out with sending letters, or packages to soldiers... Just something that will get you involved with other people again(outside of your family, and here)
Don't stay away from the boards because you think that you are setting yourself up for disappointment if some of us leave. Life has all sorts of disappointments that are unavoidable, and out of our control. Trying to avoid them only closes you off again from contact, and help.....
I actually had a bubble bath today that I ENJOYED... For the past few days it's been in and out of the tub... Today was so nice... I even went outsidr, started my car, cleaned the snow off of it, and turned it around......Ok so I didn't go anywhere, but it's progress!!!!!!
Love you bunches girl,
Hugs,
Sid
Thanks so much for the return post, I was beginning to think that you wouldn't return too soon. I understood, but it's still sad to think that a friend may never return...:confused:
Please don't ever get angry over something that myself or anyone else has gone through. Be upset, be concerned, but NEVER get angry. It's over, and has been for many years. I no longer carry the anger, and I don't want anyone else too either. Things happen for a reason....Who knows why any of us, have had to endure what we have been through. I actually consider myself very lucky that I didn't have worse abuse as a child. There are many other children who are so much worse off than I ever was....
I am glad that you are trying to take care of YOU, and setting boundaries. That in itself will help you so much. Just letting people know that they can't hurt you, use you or abuse you will self empower you. It will give you confidence to build healthy relationships with other people, and allow you to figure out WHO is healthy, and WHO is NOT!!!!!
Don't forget that soon, you need to go out in the community and be part of it again. Help out at a homeless shelter, a hospital, an elderly place, or volunteer to help out with sending letters, or packages to soldiers... Just something that will get you involved with other people again(outside of your family, and here)
Don't stay away from the boards because you think that you are setting yourself up for disappointment if some of us leave. Life has all sorts of disappointments that are unavoidable, and out of our control. Trying to avoid them only closes you off again from contact, and help.....
I actually had a bubble bath today that I ENJOYED... For the past few days it's been in and out of the tub... Today was so nice... I even went outsidr, started my car, cleaned the snow off of it, and turned it around......Ok so I didn't go anywhere, but it's progress!!!!!!
Love you bunches girl,
Hugs,
Sid
stick2013
01-28-2007, 05:17 PM
Sid, so glad to hear from you. I am glad that you are feeling a little better. Just wanted to disagree with you a bit about recovering from PTSD. I think that people can make a total recovery if they work through everything. Your therapists told you before that you shouldn't work through everything. I am sure that people have different degrees of trauma. Some with less trauma can work through it all. Maybe you can gradually work through it all? But I am glad that you are back!
Sannah,
I think that we will have to agree, to disagree on this one. I don't think that a person ever totally overcomes PTSD. I think that throughout life, no matter how well we are guarded, and have learned....Something always can break through and send a person running from the beast once again......I haven't had flashbacks in at least 8 or 9 years, and the last few days have been hell. But I am grateful it wasn't longer.....
Hugs girlfriend....
Sid
Sannah,
I think that we will have to agree, to disagree on this one. I don't think that a person ever totally overcomes PTSD. I think that throughout life, no matter how well we are guarded, and have learned....Something always can break through and send a person running from the beast once again......I haven't had flashbacks in at least 8 or 9 years, and the last few days have been hell. But I am grateful it wasn't longer.....
Hugs girlfriend....
Sid
ICC
01-29-2007, 08:35 AM
thanks for your understanding Sid. I don't intend to leave completely, just slow it down a bit. I'm in a comfortable place right now and need to make sure this place becomes more and more comfortable for me everyday before I can take too much on. All the abuse IS in the past for us i guess it just snuck out and scared the "cranky pants" off me. I spent a couple of days thinking about all I had read and came away with the same feeling as you. I am blessed to have not had it as bad as some and to be in a good frame of mind right now. I do believe this beast can be controlled but not cured. we will carry it for life. since i disassociate I have to get stronger and take my time in what i'm feeling so i don't "leave" if anxious. I think now that what i thought was anger for some of you was in actuality fear and sadness. I still have the fear of being close to people and keep my circle small. there's only 4-5 people I share with outside of here.My mind is going in the direction you speak of. I need to heal inside and out to be able to live again. might never be able to work but volunteering is my plan. we have a place near by with several avenues of volunteering to aid domestic violence. It may take me almost a year to get near it physically, mentally and emotionally but for the first time since May i do have a plan for the future.Sid i believe at the time of your's and zencat's post alot of us hit the "trauma whirlwind" so it was a combo of my own traumas and everyone else's that knocked my ruffled ankle socks off. doing alot better as i hope you are but still need a little space for me alone so won't be here often, but not leaving. As far as the losses go i do understand what you are saying BUT that being one of my triggers i need to get stronger, right now i am afraid another loss would throw me back over the edge and believe me i know God forbid something could happen to anyone I love at any moment which sort of pushed me to being with my family a little more. feel better everyday.
Love,
ICC xo
Love,
ICC xo
stick2013
01-29-2007, 04:29 PM
Dear ICC,
I understand completely what you are saying, and I also hear the boundaries loud, and clear..... We all have to do what is right for each of us. I think that you are right about the "Whirlwind" and it hit just about everyone of us in the past few weeks. Started with isitme, redfive, anne,(those two I worry about so much) you, then me.....
I know what it feels like to disassociate, I used to do it while driving....Man, I would get somewhere and wonder how in the H#@% did I get here. I asked my therapist about it, (at the time I had NO CLUE as to what it was) he explained and said he hoped I would stop it soon. That was years ago, haven't done it in awhile.....PTSD has so many weird things that go along with it...Hard to deal with sometimes....
I am much better, I finally made it out today, and exercised this morning.....Yippie!!!!!! Actually went food shopping too. Had to NO food left....
I am glad that you are spending more time with your family. It's important!!!! I live alone, so I can be on the computer anytime I feel. But when you have kids, or a family, your time is better spent with them......
I do hope that soon you can get things straight, and move out into the community and get active again. It is so important to have a support network, or just people that you can talk to on a daily basis. Being a hermit, and staying away, tends to make a person withdraw more, and to become less tolerant of others....You have to much love, and humor to become that way..... So hurry up and get better.......
Love you bunches....
Sid
I understand completely what you are saying, and I also hear the boundaries loud, and clear..... We all have to do what is right for each of us. I think that you are right about the "Whirlwind" and it hit just about everyone of us in the past few weeks. Started with isitme, redfive, anne,(those two I worry about so much) you, then me.....
I know what it feels like to disassociate, I used to do it while driving....Man, I would get somewhere and wonder how in the H#@% did I get here. I asked my therapist about it, (at the time I had NO CLUE as to what it was) he explained and said he hoped I would stop it soon. That was years ago, haven't done it in awhile.....PTSD has so many weird things that go along with it...Hard to deal with sometimes....
I am much better, I finally made it out today, and exercised this morning.....Yippie!!!!!! Actually went food shopping too. Had to NO food left....
I am glad that you are spending more time with your family. It's important!!!! I live alone, so I can be on the computer anytime I feel. But when you have kids, or a family, your time is better spent with them......
I do hope that soon you can get things straight, and move out into the community and get active again. It is so important to have a support network, or just people that you can talk to on a daily basis. Being a hermit, and staying away, tends to make a person withdraw more, and to become less tolerant of others....You have to much love, and humor to become that way..... So hurry up and get better.......
Love you bunches....
Sid
ICC
01-30-2007, 07:21 AM
Dear Sid---thank you for the understanding and for just being you. It is so hard for me to post. I read everyone else's and after the wirlwind everyone is making so much sense and seems to be doing better. I am glad we all went through this together. the support of just reading the honesty from all of us has helped immensely.I am stuck in the throws of this WC case which will be over and done with next month but until then i have PT and not much more. I have learned that I have to be free. that's a big one for me as I have always given everyone else their freedom and felt trapped in my own mind. wanting to be free and knowing that about myself now has helped. never relized i felt trapped and didn't like it. when i think of myself as a child and a teenager I was free and need that feeling back. a little at a time I am holding my ground and doing nothing I don't want to do. Once i become stronger in this I will have an equal balance of doing things that have to be done whether or not I want to and the boundaries that are building everyday. You know when you have a problem with let's say stupid things like an appliance delivered and it's broken, bad whatever? well I was always the one who made the call and argued with these people. New stove doesn't work. Hubby said to me "why don't you call now" I looked at him and said "i don't want to. these people and getting involved in these confrontations and aggravation upset me. Little thing but big to me. He called, didn't get upset, which he never does, God bless him and instead of them wanting to fix a brand new appliance will pick this one up and deliver a new one. that's the way it should have ended, that's what i would have done but cannot/do not want any part of this stress right now.I just don't have it in me to argue about anything right now. In time i'm sure i'll be fine with everyday upsets but right now my only goal is to remain calm. my stress level has been over the top for years now and needs to be taken down a notch for my physical and mental healing. I'm not isolating myself, have actually been out more for the past week than for the past few months. might even venture out alone one of these days. saw my mother walking down the street with her cane yesterday and felt bad for the little old lady but in a split second remembered that it was her choice not to treat me with respect so it passed quickly. otherwise i am just hanging around, trying to keep busy, thinking when i feel i have to and coming here and reading everyday. I have seen eveyone is back except anne. and by the way where is FTM????? doesn't appear he has been here in a couple days. Time to worry???
Love you girlfriend,
ICC xo
Love you girlfriend,
ICC xo
stick2013
01-30-2007, 08:27 AM
Dear ICC,
Knowing that we all feel pretty much the same things does help. Although I would pretty much NOT want to be part of this PTSD club if I had the choice. I love the Friends, but hate the PTSD!!!!!!!
I know EXACTLY what you mean by NOT wanting any form of confrontation..... I RUN from it. My daughter and i would start to get into it, the level of talking would start to rise, I would try to calm down, she woulds get angry, I would turn to leave. She always would yell at me that I would run.... I tried to explain that I just CAN'T handle any kind of CONFRONTATION... Others just don't understand......
I am glad that you are getting out more, it really does help... Even if it's just for a walk, or a short shopping spree.....
I am glad that hubby called about the "Broken " stove.... Is it written somewhere that WOMEN have to ALWAYS do these things????????? Did I miss something in the book of life????? hehehehehehhe
Ok, hon..... You are on your way... I am so glad!!!!!!
Have to run.... Love you bunches.....Hugs!!!!
Sid
Knowing that we all feel pretty much the same things does help. Although I would pretty much NOT want to be part of this PTSD club if I had the choice. I love the Friends, but hate the PTSD!!!!!!!
I know EXACTLY what you mean by NOT wanting any form of confrontation..... I RUN from it. My daughter and i would start to get into it, the level of talking would start to rise, I would try to calm down, she woulds get angry, I would turn to leave. She always would yell at me that I would run.... I tried to explain that I just CAN'T handle any kind of CONFRONTATION... Others just don't understand......
I am glad that you are getting out more, it really does help... Even if it's just for a walk, or a short shopping spree.....
I am glad that hubby called about the "Broken " stove.... Is it written somewhere that WOMEN have to ALWAYS do these things????????? Did I miss something in the book of life????? hehehehehehhe
Ok, hon..... You are on your way... I am so glad!!!!!!
Have to run.... Love you bunches.....Hugs!!!!
Sid
ICC
01-30-2007, 08:52 AM
I knew you would understand the confrontation issue. i feel as if my whole life has been one big confrontation sometimes. at my happiest times, one being raising my kids, i had the abusive alcoholic in the picture. one big confrontation daily. I feel as you do. I want to run and do sometimes from it. there are some things we have to do but there are alot of stress issues that can be avoided by putting it in someone else's hands.I am trying to give everyone their own crap back for them to deal with. There must be a book somewhere saying all this crap is a woman's job. My Dad is the one who taught me to go get it when something wasn't right. he made me strong and capable but also helped me to take on all the problems as I guess when i think back he did. My mother was like a princess. He took me to the dr.s if I was sick, paid the bills, did the food shopping. all the things in our day women did. She went to work when my sister and I were older and saved for luxuries. I remember about 15 years ago having an argument with her telling her she didn't understand as she has never worked a day in her life to eat, pay the heat bill, pay for a roof over her head. this conversation came to be after she told me my Dad had given her nothing but "a roof over her head and food on the table" I told her as nicely as I could that at least she got that. I had to go to work for those things. didn't know what a luxury was until I married my husband. still worry about money constantly. He doesn't so I am trying to let go of that also.next excursion will be to go buy myself something i like and get my hair done. all by myself. :blob_fire
Be well my friend,
ICC
Be well my friend,
ICC
isitme
01-30-2007, 12:19 PM
stick - I want to say,
no one wants ptsd
no one wants cancer
no one wants a car that doesn't start
no one wants ........................
I had been having the numb feelings for 20 years plus. This is the first time in my life, since I was a teenager, that I AM NOT phased/numb/depressed/suicideal because of someone else's actions/ words. If I can do it, you can too.
Anxiety on the other hand, is new to me and I'm still working on that one. Any help in that direction appreciated.
no one wants ptsd
no one wants cancer
no one wants a car that doesn't start
no one wants ........................
I had been having the numb feelings for 20 years plus. This is the first time in my life, since I was a teenager, that I AM NOT phased/numb/depressed/suicideal because of someone else's actions/ words. If I can do it, you can too.
Anxiety on the other hand, is new to me and I'm still working on that one. Any help in that direction appreciated.
stick2013
01-30-2007, 06:19 PM
Dear isitme,
As I mentioned to Zencat.......Facing the things that cause you anxiety, and doing whatever it is that causes the anxiety, is the best way to overcome it. Like for instance.....If Flying in an airplane, causes you severe anxiety, and you WON'T fly.......Then buying the ticket is the first step. The anxiety is ONLY a feeling(not a great one), but it's OK, it won't kill you....Step 2....Going to the airport........Step 3 waiting at the gate....Step 4 boarding the plane. step 5 FLYING.... These don't have to be done ALL in one day.....It may take someone weeks to do this.... Just take it one step at a time, and realize that the FEAR or ANXIETY is JUST a feeling, and it CAN'T kill you..... Breath deep, accept it, but FACE it.......It's the ONLY way to get over the anxiety... Other than drugging yourself to death with Zanax, Valium, or Atavan........
Hugs hon,
Sid
As I mentioned to Zencat.......Facing the things that cause you anxiety, and doing whatever it is that causes the anxiety, is the best way to overcome it. Like for instance.....If Flying in an airplane, causes you severe anxiety, and you WON'T fly.......Then buying the ticket is the first step. The anxiety is ONLY a feeling(not a great one), but it's OK, it won't kill you....Step 2....Going to the airport........Step 3 waiting at the gate....Step 4 boarding the plane. step 5 FLYING.... These don't have to be done ALL in one day.....It may take someone weeks to do this.... Just take it one step at a time, and realize that the FEAR or ANXIETY is JUST a feeling, and it CAN'T kill you..... Breath deep, accept it, but FACE it.......It's the ONLY way to get over the anxiety... Other than drugging yourself to death with Zanax, Valium, or Atavan........
Hugs hon,
Sid