stick2013
01-28-2007, 09:51 AM
HI Zen,
I am not even sure why I started this thread, or even what I will say, but I needed to connect with you....I suppose I should start off by saying, I do understand, and I hope that I can be of help to you.
I don't think that your mom intended to hurt you either, as I know that my grandmother wasn't out to hurt us. It's just something that was done back then. As awful as it sounds today, it was something that they felt HELPED....
I don't know how far you are in your healing process, but have you forgiven your mom???? That's a big one on the road to recovery. I know it sounds so NUTS to forgive the very ones that have hurt us, but we need to let go of the anger, in order to move forward. I also hope that you are in therapy, to deal with your issues. It's weird, you are trans gender, one of my brothers became a cross dresser, the other one is so mentally screwed up about sex, that I won't even go near him or have any contact with him.(both my brothers molested me) All 5 of us were mentally, emotionally, and phsycally scarred.
Keep posting if you feel that you can, and I will try and help. Sometimes it can hurt, and send us to a place that we don't want to be, but in the end it helps....
Hugs,
Sid
I am not even sure why I started this thread, or even what I will say, but I needed to connect with you....I suppose I should start off by saying, I do understand, and I hope that I can be of help to you.
I don't think that your mom intended to hurt you either, as I know that my grandmother wasn't out to hurt us. It's just something that was done back then. As awful as it sounds today, it was something that they felt HELPED....
I don't know how far you are in your healing process, but have you forgiven your mom???? That's a big one on the road to recovery. I know it sounds so NUTS to forgive the very ones that have hurt us, but we need to let go of the anger, in order to move forward. I also hope that you are in therapy, to deal with your issues. It's weird, you are trans gender, one of my brothers became a cross dresser, the other one is so mentally screwed up about sex, that I won't even go near him or have any contact with him.(both my brothers molested me) All 5 of us were mentally, emotionally, and phsycally scarred.
Keep posting if you feel that you can, and I will try and help. Sometimes it can hurt, and send us to a place that we don't want to be, but in the end it helps....
Hugs,
Sid
Sponsor
zencat
01-29-2007, 10:13 PM
Oh yes Sid, I have completely forgiven my mom, I talk to her 2 or 3 times a week sometimes more, she lives 70 miles away and I visit her when I am well enough to go ( I have terrible panic attacks when I drive the highway ). She is 93 and I love her so much today.
Oh my yes, the gender issue has caused me so many problems with relationships of the opposite sex. So much confusion and shame about my trans gender identity, I could not connect on a deep level with women.
I am in therapy, 5 hr a week at the local county mental department.
Thank you for your concern Sid. For the past few days I have been working on my drug addiction issues, home work type stuff and I’ve been feeling well enough to do a few tasks where I live, cleaning, organizing and the like.
Sid , what is helping you there days? I know talking about our issues regarding past abuse helps but, what do you think overall is helping you? I know this is a big question, so maybe share just a little on one method you know.
As for today, I feel well enough mood wise and sufficiently stable mentally to truly work on healing.
Oh my yes, the gender issue has caused me so many problems with relationships of the opposite sex. So much confusion and shame about my trans gender identity, I could not connect on a deep level with women.
I am in therapy, 5 hr a week at the local county mental department.
Thank you for your concern Sid. For the past few days I have been working on my drug addiction issues, home work type stuff and I’ve been feeling well enough to do a few tasks where I live, cleaning, organizing and the like.
Sid , what is helping you there days? I know talking about our issues regarding past abuse helps but, what do you think overall is helping you? I know this is a big question, so maybe share just a little on one method you know.
As for today, I feel well enough mood wise and sufficiently stable mentally to truly work on healing.
hergy
01-30-2007, 02:29 AM
Oh my yes, the gender issue has caused me so many problems with relationships of the opposite sex. So much confusion and shame about my trans gender identity, I could not connect on a deep level with women.
I feel like I'm intruding on this thread, but I want you to know, Zencat, that you've got company in your relationship difficulties. I always thought I was a freak because I didn't feel like other girls.
My first sexual experience was with a group of males who did things to me that were very unwelcome. They stole something I can never regain. That was when I was 4. After that, I hated being a girl. I'd even pray that, if I was good, could I choose to be a boy, because girls were worthless to me.
At the same time, I had fantasies, as a child, of naked men wrapped in barbed wire and other hateful, angry feelings about men. I've NEVER connected emotionally with a man, not even my father. I'm attracted to men physically, but I don't want to be touched or have a romantic relationship with them.
Other than when I was 4, I've never had sex or a boyfriend. In fact, I've never had a romantic relationship at all. In several ways, I relate to the confusion and shame you feel. It sucks to feel like you don't belong.
Sorry again to intrude on the thread, but I just wanted you to know that there's somebody else out there who can't connect on a deep level with the opposite sex. I've felt this way for so long and felt like such a freak. Even when I pretend to feel normal, I can't fool myself.
You're an awesome guy and important the way you are. I'd have you over to dinner any day.:)
Love, hugs and best wishes,
Nikki
I feel like I'm intruding on this thread, but I want you to know, Zencat, that you've got company in your relationship difficulties. I always thought I was a freak because I didn't feel like other girls.
My first sexual experience was with a group of males who did things to me that were very unwelcome. They stole something I can never regain. That was when I was 4. After that, I hated being a girl. I'd even pray that, if I was good, could I choose to be a boy, because girls were worthless to me.
At the same time, I had fantasies, as a child, of naked men wrapped in barbed wire and other hateful, angry feelings about men. I've NEVER connected emotionally with a man, not even my father. I'm attracted to men physically, but I don't want to be touched or have a romantic relationship with them.
Other than when I was 4, I've never had sex or a boyfriend. In fact, I've never had a romantic relationship at all. In several ways, I relate to the confusion and shame you feel. It sucks to feel like you don't belong.
Sorry again to intrude on the thread, but I just wanted you to know that there's somebody else out there who can't connect on a deep level with the opposite sex. I've felt this way for so long and felt like such a freak. Even when I pretend to feel normal, I can't fool myself.
You're an awesome guy and important the way you are. I'd have you over to dinner any day.:)
Love, hugs and best wishes,
Nikki
stick2013
01-30-2007, 07:18 AM
Dear Zencat,
I was happy to hear that you were in therapy, and trying to deal with your issues. That's the first step.
You asked what help me???? Well in a nut shell, I would have to say that changing my life. It involved a lot of work. To the point, that at times I wanted to just give up. But my therapist would always ask if my old ways of doing things were getting me anywhere? So the things that helped....... It involved.....Changing how I thought. Changing how I reacted to things. Changing my behavior. Changing my social settings. Changing my thoughts about me.
I too dealt with drinking and doing pot. I think that most people with PTSD have some kind of addiction that they deal with. I think it's all about self medicating to avoid dealing with the issues at hand. I quit both. That was easy compared to the rest........
I also went through the anxiety. I also had agoraphobia for a period of about 3 months. I remember telling myself as I CRAWLED BACKWARDS down my stairs to get out, "These are abnormal feelings, it's OK." Took 3 months to over come that!!!!! In regards to anxiety....Face your fear, embrace it, and DO whatever it is that you are afraid of. It's JUST an emotion from a previous trauma, and it can't kill you. It's ok.. So just try to face it a little at a time, and you can overcome it......
Ok, I guess that's enough to start with.......Please be ok....Hang in there!!!!!
Red...................I don't think that you were intruding.....and I don't think that Zencat feels that way either...
Hugs to all,
Sid
I was happy to hear that you were in therapy, and trying to deal with your issues. That's the first step.
You asked what help me???? Well in a nut shell, I would have to say that changing my life. It involved a lot of work. To the point, that at times I wanted to just give up. But my therapist would always ask if my old ways of doing things were getting me anywhere? So the things that helped....... It involved.....Changing how I thought. Changing how I reacted to things. Changing my behavior. Changing my social settings. Changing my thoughts about me.
I too dealt with drinking and doing pot. I think that most people with PTSD have some kind of addiction that they deal with. I think it's all about self medicating to avoid dealing with the issues at hand. I quit both. That was easy compared to the rest........
I also went through the anxiety. I also had agoraphobia for a period of about 3 months. I remember telling myself as I CRAWLED BACKWARDS down my stairs to get out, "These are abnormal feelings, it's OK." Took 3 months to over come that!!!!! In regards to anxiety....Face your fear, embrace it, and DO whatever it is that you are afraid of. It's JUST an emotion from a previous trauma, and it can't kill you. It's ok.. So just try to face it a little at a time, and you can overcome it......
Ok, I guess that's enough to start with.......Please be ok....Hang in there!!!!!
Red...................I don't think that you were intruding.....and I don't think that Zencat feels that way either...
Hugs to all,
Sid
ICC
01-30-2007, 08:24 AM
"insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results". I hope this statement helps someone. it did me. Change! yourself, your behaviours, your thoughts. no one else. just you, for all of you are who are important.
Hugs,
ICC
Hugs,
ICC
zencat
01-30-2007, 10:21 PM
Nikki ~ Feel free to share with me any time. And no you are not intruding.
I welcome your presence.
The “not belonging” you speak of, that is a hard emotion for me to identify within myself. I guess “dejection” would describe partly the way I felt after trying to have a girlfriend for the first time at 21yrs old. I just wasn’t there emotionally. I had a difficult time feeling her presence, I mean I could acknowledge that she was physically there, I just could not feel a connection to her. I felt I had to fake my emotional responses. I felt like I had to pretend that I cared about her.
Today I an trying intensely to change. Some days I don’t know where to begin or what to do. I reach deep down inside and pull up nothing. I guess it is a lot like fishing, keep trying until I hook something. LOL
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing some of your story with me, Nikki… Alone we cant but together we can. Oh, just one more thing, you have connected with me. It may not be deep, but it is real. ((((See you soon.))))
Sid ~ Change just about everything… I hear you loud and clear. I’m on SSI disability and using my time wisely to improve myself…. So far, the progress has been very rewarding and the setbacks challenging, but fewer and farther in between. Thank you for sharing with me.
ICC ~ True, so very, very true. “Change your thoughts and you change your world“. Norman Vincent Peale
Do well and do it often……..Zencat
I welcome your presence.
The “not belonging” you speak of, that is a hard emotion for me to identify within myself. I guess “dejection” would describe partly the way I felt after trying to have a girlfriend for the first time at 21yrs old. I just wasn’t there emotionally. I had a difficult time feeling her presence, I mean I could acknowledge that she was physically there, I just could not feel a connection to her. I felt I had to fake my emotional responses. I felt like I had to pretend that I cared about her.
Today I an trying intensely to change. Some days I don’t know where to begin or what to do. I reach deep down inside and pull up nothing. I guess it is a lot like fishing, keep trying until I hook something. LOL
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing some of your story with me, Nikki… Alone we cant but together we can. Oh, just one more thing, you have connected with me. It may not be deep, but it is real. ((((See you soon.))))
Sid ~ Change just about everything… I hear you loud and clear. I’m on SSI disability and using my time wisely to improve myself…. So far, the progress has been very rewarding and the setbacks challenging, but fewer and farther in between. Thank you for sharing with me.
ICC ~ True, so very, very true. “Change your thoughts and you change your world“. Norman Vincent Peale
Do well and do it often……..Zencat
hergy
01-30-2007, 11:14 PM
...I just wasn’t there emotionally. I had a difficult time feeling her presence, I mean I could acknowledge that she was physically there, I just could not feel a connection to her. I felt I had to fake my emotional responses. I felt like I had to pretend that I cared about her.
...you have connected with me. It may not be deep, but it is real.
Wow, Zencat. I have NEVER found someone with whom I could share that feeling. I feel a connection with you, too. That 'disconnection' I experience with males is so private. I have a hard time explaining it. I know our experiences are different, but the emotional responses you described mirror mine exactly.
I rarely bond at all, with women or men. I've 'faked' emotion all my life. At moments, I feel a distorted version of emotion inside, but I'm deathly afraid to connect with others. I'm not even dissatisfied anymore with the vacancy. But I still feel like I don't belong. When I hear people talk of marriage, dating and the like, I want to die. I've never fantasized about such things.
I'm sorry for going on. It's largely due to my excitement that someone understands. But, at the same time, I hurt for you. It's a painful issue. I don't discuss it outside the anonymity I enjoy on this board.
Thank you so much for opening up. My cyber ears are open. You've already helped me on many levels. You're the second guy in 30 years that I've even been able to slightly feel warm, without suspicion and hate.
You are such a special person. I'm so glad you're here.
Love and 'real' hugs,
Nikki
...you have connected with me. It may not be deep, but it is real.
Wow, Zencat. I have NEVER found someone with whom I could share that feeling. I feel a connection with you, too. That 'disconnection' I experience with males is so private. I have a hard time explaining it. I know our experiences are different, but the emotional responses you described mirror mine exactly.
I rarely bond at all, with women or men. I've 'faked' emotion all my life. At moments, I feel a distorted version of emotion inside, but I'm deathly afraid to connect with others. I'm not even dissatisfied anymore with the vacancy. But I still feel like I don't belong. When I hear people talk of marriage, dating and the like, I want to die. I've never fantasized about such things.
I'm sorry for going on. It's largely due to my excitement that someone understands. But, at the same time, I hurt for you. It's a painful issue. I don't discuss it outside the anonymity I enjoy on this board.
Thank you so much for opening up. My cyber ears are open. You've already helped me on many levels. You're the second guy in 30 years that I've even been able to slightly feel warm, without suspicion and hate.
You are such a special person. I'm so glad you're here.
Love and 'real' hugs,
Nikki
stick2013
01-31-2007, 06:26 AM
Zencat & Nikki,
And I am so very happy :) :) that the two of you have connected also.....What the both of you are NOT feeling.....Is really not that unusual for people that have been through trauma. But it is abnormal to have carried it for this length of time....... You have shut down, built walls, and barriers. You refuse to allow anyone close for fear that they will harm you also. You have an unnatural fear of all people, and feel that all people have an unhealthy agenda.
I had my own way of dealing, we all do it differently. I would pull people in and then push them away when they got too close. I didn't do this intentionally, and it wasn't until my therapist pointed it out to me that I realized what I was doing.....
Hang in there guys, keep searching, keep asking questions, and NEVER stop trying to get healthy. WE ALL deserve to have PEACE in our lives....
Hugs,
Sid
And I am so very happy :) :) that the two of you have connected also.....What the both of you are NOT feeling.....Is really not that unusual for people that have been through trauma. But it is abnormal to have carried it for this length of time....... You have shut down, built walls, and barriers. You refuse to allow anyone close for fear that they will harm you also. You have an unnatural fear of all people, and feel that all people have an unhealthy agenda.
I had my own way of dealing, we all do it differently. I would pull people in and then push them away when they got too close. I didn't do this intentionally, and it wasn't until my therapist pointed it out to me that I realized what I was doing.....
Hang in there guys, keep searching, keep asking questions, and NEVER stop trying to get healthy. WE ALL deserve to have PEACE in our lives....
Hugs,
Sid
zencat
01-31-2007, 11:02 AM
Sid ~ I have taken to posting an emotional word list above my computer. I am now searching for a word that describes what I’m feeling as I read your post. “Suspicious” I was suspicious of my mother, she would comfort me for the most part, but, I could not predict when she would sexualy abuse me. Yes, no trust.
I live in a housing project run by a non-profit organization that services the mentally disabled population in my community. There are 13 or so people living here with me. We are high functioning and live in a converted single room ( 19 rooms total ) motel. I have become close, well some what close to a couple of the people here. One person in particular wants to have sex with me. I like her a lot but I am pessimistic about ability to perform. We are friends, and we both agree that we don’t want to do the boy friend, girl friend thingy
( there is that trust thing popping up I guess ). I don’t know if this is going to back fire or what. I might get attached to her and I’m not ready for that kind of relationship. :confused:
Any thoughts? You wise input is welcome Sid…. Nikki …And if anybody has some thoughts about this please feel free to share……….Zencat…. aka…Will.
I live in a housing project run by a non-profit organization that services the mentally disabled population in my community. There are 13 or so people living here with me. We are high functioning and live in a converted single room ( 19 rooms total ) motel. I have become close, well some what close to a couple of the people here. One person in particular wants to have sex with me. I like her a lot but I am pessimistic about ability to perform. We are friends, and we both agree that we don’t want to do the boy friend, girl friend thingy
( there is that trust thing popping up I guess ). I don’t know if this is going to back fire or what. I might get attached to her and I’m not ready for that kind of relationship. :confused:
Any thoughts? You wise input is welcome Sid…. Nikki …And if anybody has some thoughts about this please feel free to share……….Zencat…. aka…Will.
Zally
01-31-2007, 11:35 AM
Hi Zencat, did the sexual abuse from your mother go beyond the enemas? I read on another post where you wrote that you feel nothing with other women. Do you think that you are just carrying feelings that you have about your mother and letting them get in between you and other women? I could see how you would have trouble trusting people because you couldn't predict when your mother would harm you and she was your mother.
hergy
01-31-2007, 11:49 AM
We are friends, and we both agree that we don’t want to do the boy friend, girl friend thingy
( there is that trust thing popping up I guess ). I don’t know if this is going to back fire or what. I might get attached to her and I’m not ready for that kind of relationship.
Zencat,
If you're not ready for attachment, don't pressure yourself. You have nothing to prove.
How does she view the situation? If you're both on the same page, communication can unwind confusion and fear.
I have sexual urges and desires, but I've never wanted to have sex. I have fantasies, but thoughts of sex yield cold discomfort. You seem to be farther along than I in this area and have given this some thought already, so you're the best judge of your own readiness.
You'll live with the 'after.' Take control of the 'before.'
Best wishes,
Nikki
( there is that trust thing popping up I guess ). I don’t know if this is going to back fire or what. I might get attached to her and I’m not ready for that kind of relationship.
Zencat,
If you're not ready for attachment, don't pressure yourself. You have nothing to prove.
How does she view the situation? If you're both on the same page, communication can unwind confusion and fear.
I have sexual urges and desires, but I've never wanted to have sex. I have fantasies, but thoughts of sex yield cold discomfort. You seem to be farther along than I in this area and have given this some thought already, so you're the best judge of your own readiness.
You'll live with the 'after.' Take control of the 'before.'
Best wishes,
Nikki
stick2013
01-31-2007, 04:21 PM
Dear Zencat,
You are the judge of your own sexuality. Weather you are ready or not is a decision that you have to make..... That said....If you are questioning a possible decision...Then in my judgment, you are NOT ready... If it's just for sex, and you want it.....Then be my guest...Go for it and have fun!!!!! ( Although I don't think that you are that kind of a person) But if you have some feelings for this person, and you are questioning... Then you are not ready. That's just my opinion..
Having an intimate relationship with someone comes with a price. We have to take down barriers, walls, and open ourselves up for feelings. If a person isn't ready for that then all sorts of crap happens afterwards. Guilt is the biggie. Self hatred, shame, and tons of other crap. But on the other hand.....If a person IS ready.... Then being intimate with someone can ROCK your world, Blow your ankle socks off, and be one of the most fulfilling times spent. The human body can be beautiful, and can give such pleasure.
It really isn't all bad. Sex can be beautiful, rewarding, and tons of fun....
So Zencat, what ever you decide.......Enjoy!!!!
Hugs,
Sid
You are the judge of your own sexuality. Weather you are ready or not is a decision that you have to make..... That said....If you are questioning a possible decision...Then in my judgment, you are NOT ready... If it's just for sex, and you want it.....Then be my guest...Go for it and have fun!!!!! ( Although I don't think that you are that kind of a person) But if you have some feelings for this person, and you are questioning... Then you are not ready. That's just my opinion..
Having an intimate relationship with someone comes with a price. We have to take down barriers, walls, and open ourselves up for feelings. If a person isn't ready for that then all sorts of crap happens afterwards. Guilt is the biggie. Self hatred, shame, and tons of other crap. But on the other hand.....If a person IS ready.... Then being intimate with someone can ROCK your world, Blow your ankle socks off, and be one of the most fulfilling times spent. The human body can be beautiful, and can give such pleasure.
It really isn't all bad. Sex can be beautiful, rewarding, and tons of fun....
So Zencat, what ever you decide.......Enjoy!!!!
Hugs,
Sid
zencat
02-01-2007, 12:03 AM
Sid ~ today in my one on one with my therapist we discussed about the same concerns you voiced. I can not for the life of me make heads or tails about what exactly is going on between me and ( I’ll call her Sue ) Sue. Our communication is minimal at best about this issue, We talk about everything under the sun and yet when I try to express some of my concerns about what having sex would mean between us , I freeze up and talk around the subject. And a big yes, I don’t want to do anything to mislead Sue or myself for that matter. I am going to try real hard to open up the communication line between Sue and myself tonight.
You are correct about me questioning my decision. Again it all boils down to poor communication and my utter lack of relationship skills.
One thing I would also put out there. Sue, misinterpreted something I said…… I think? and a few days latter she proposed that we could have sex,……… again, more miscommunication I think. Arg……the more I think about this the less I know what’s going on.
Nikki ~ I don’t know if I’m ready or not…….. But………I know I’ve got try something, because if I don’t at least try to relate emotional, sexual or both I will go crazy…Ha,…. I think I’m already there. I have spent my whole life struggling with so much and Sue has offered me this gift and have asked more than once if I am thinking about sex and my mind is trying to figure this all out and I afraid I going to blow yet another chance to transform.
Wow, I must sound confused……Oh my stars…I am….so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, take it …….slow and easy…..slow….and…..easy.
Thank you (((Nikki))) and (((Sid)))… ((((hugs))))…for your input, good stuff to think about before I hurt Sue or myself……….. Building ships in a bottle with boxing gloves on,, is child’s play compared to this stuff……. I’ll let you both know what I will try to do before I do it, so I can get some more of those great Points Of Views (POV)
Blessed be, . Zencat
You are correct about me questioning my decision. Again it all boils down to poor communication and my utter lack of relationship skills.
One thing I would also put out there. Sue, misinterpreted something I said…… I think? and a few days latter she proposed that we could have sex,……… again, more miscommunication I think. Arg……the more I think about this the less I know what’s going on.
Nikki ~ I don’t know if I’m ready or not…….. But………I know I’ve got try something, because if I don’t at least try to relate emotional, sexual or both I will go crazy…Ha,…. I think I’m already there. I have spent my whole life struggling with so much and Sue has offered me this gift and have asked more than once if I am thinking about sex and my mind is trying to figure this all out and I afraid I going to blow yet another chance to transform.
Wow, I must sound confused……Oh my stars…I am….so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, take it …….slow and easy…..slow….and…..easy.
Thank you (((Nikki))) and (((Sid)))… ((((hugs))))…for your input, good stuff to think about before I hurt Sue or myself……….. Building ships in a bottle with boxing gloves on,, is child’s play compared to this stuff……. I’ll let you both know what I will try to do before I do it, so I can get some more of those great Points Of Views (POV)
Blessed be, . Zencat
zencat
02-01-2007, 12:30 AM
Zally ~ No. only the constant enemas is what I recall… if there was more …I don’t think so… what happened was…. I sexualized the experience. The repeated enemas and all the emotional stuff was too much for me, as a child, to handle… it became erotic…stimulating….and at the same time shameful…dirty….embarrassing …..what dose a child do with that? My mother was………. And as a child I couldn’t deal with it…..so it became….well sexual…. I’ll share more of this, in an appropriate manner latter.
As I reread this…Erotic, shame, sexualize, embarrassment …. in my early teens I was a transvestite before I knew what it was…. I wonder where that came from?
As I reread this…Erotic, shame, sexualize, embarrassment …. in my early teens I was a transvestite before I knew what it was…. I wonder where that came from?
hergy
02-01-2007, 01:55 AM
Thank you (((Nikki))) and (((Sid)))… ((((hugs))))…for your input, good stuff to think about before I hurt Sue or myself...I’ll let you both know what I will try to do before I do it, so I can get some more of those great Points Of Views (POV)
Zencat,
This is a little off subject but I want you to know:
I'm so glad you found some of my words helpful. You're an awesome, accepting, caring guy. I actually cried when you said what you did to me.
I don't advertise my inexperience, but people in my life that know I've never had sex (most don't know about the thing when I was 4) smile or just don't take me seriously when I offer my 'point of view' on the matter. I feel like a zero in those situations. I may not have 'done the deed' but I have emotions and thoughts like anybody else.
Since I was in my 20s, I cry when I wonder if these words will ever fall true in my world:
"...being intimate with someone can ROCK your world, Blow your ankle socks off, and be one of the most fulfilling times spent. The human body can be beautiful, and can give such pleasure.
...Sex can be beautiful, rewarding, and tons of fun...."
Thanks again, Zencat. Your comments filled a part of me that make me feel like I belong.
Love, hugs and grateful tears,
Nikki
Zencat,
This is a little off subject but I want you to know:
I'm so glad you found some of my words helpful. You're an awesome, accepting, caring guy. I actually cried when you said what you did to me.
I don't advertise my inexperience, but people in my life that know I've never had sex (most don't know about the thing when I was 4) smile or just don't take me seriously when I offer my 'point of view' on the matter. I feel like a zero in those situations. I may not have 'done the deed' but I have emotions and thoughts like anybody else.
Since I was in my 20s, I cry when I wonder if these words will ever fall true in my world:
"...being intimate with someone can ROCK your world, Blow your ankle socks off, and be one of the most fulfilling times spent. The human body can be beautiful, and can give such pleasure.
...Sex can be beautiful, rewarding, and tons of fun...."
Thanks again, Zencat. Your comments filled a part of me that make me feel like I belong.
Love, hugs and grateful tears,
Nikki
stick2013
02-01-2007, 06:37 AM
Zencat,
Glad that I can be of help to you.....I don't know if you read one other post that Nikki had started??? The one about orgasm in childhood??/ But I told her about what my therapist told me about our first experience as a child. He told me that a humans first experience sexually is having our first B.M..... So put that together with the feelings that you experienced while your mother was giving you the enemas.....What else could you feel????? Feel validated that your feelings are normal, now find a way to put that into perspective and sort out your emotions.....
I am glad that you are going to try and talk to Sue about the problems at hand....I think that it will help...
Hugs,
Sid
Glad that I can be of help to you.....I don't know if you read one other post that Nikki had started??? The one about orgasm in childhood??/ But I told her about what my therapist told me about our first experience as a child. He told me that a humans first experience sexually is having our first B.M..... So put that together with the feelings that you experienced while your mother was giving you the enemas.....What else could you feel????? Feel validated that your feelings are normal, now find a way to put that into perspective and sort out your emotions.....
I am glad that you are going to try and talk to Sue about the problems at hand....I think that it will help...
Hugs,
Sid
hergy
02-01-2007, 06:24 PM
I have spent my whole life struggling with so much and Sue has offered me this gift...
...afraid I going to blow yet another chance to transform.
What's the hurry? When you're ready, you will know. Just because somebody else is ready to take you there, that doesn't mean you're passing up an opportunity if you wait until you're feeling just as ready. Intimacy is for the pleasure of two.
I've received gifts I really love and remember with fondness.
Sue's offering you a precious gift, true. But if you open the present when you're apprehensive, it's not going to feel so precious.
You're a truly special guy. You deserve to enjoy a precious experience with a ready heart.
Love,
Nikki
...afraid I going to blow yet another chance to transform.
What's the hurry? When you're ready, you will know. Just because somebody else is ready to take you there, that doesn't mean you're passing up an opportunity if you wait until you're feeling just as ready. Intimacy is for the pleasure of two.
I've received gifts I really love and remember with fondness.
Sue's offering you a precious gift, true. But if you open the present when you're apprehensive, it's not going to feel so precious.
You're a truly special guy. You deserve to enjoy a precious experience with a ready heart.
Love,
Nikki
stick2013
02-01-2007, 09:21 PM
Dear Nikki,
You offer such wonderful compliments and advice to Zencat. Yet you deprive yourself of the very things you encourage others to have.....
(You're a truly special guy. You deserve to enjoy a precious experience with a ready heart.)
I just don't understand......Nikki, I was molested by both of my brothers, beaten emotionally, mentally, and physically by my mother for years, given enemas by my grandmother for years, had S*** smeared on my face, was gang raped in a drunken stupor, was married to a miserable creep for 7 yrs, have been ostracized by my family for most of my life. Yet I keep fighting to get healthy.
You on the other hand, were raped at the age of 4, molested at 5, and taken advantage of by a woman who new your weakness and prayed on you. But you don't fight.....Instead you internalize it, turn it around, blame yourself, and the CUT!!!!! Explain to me WHY?????? Make me understand WHY you cut.... Not how it feels when you slice yourself....I need to know WHY....
If you saw a 4 year old child run in front of a car.....Would you blame her????
If you saw a 4 year old being RAPED....Would you blame this child?????
If your answers are NO..........Then WHY do you blame yourself?????
Please explain this to me...
Love you,
Sid
You offer such wonderful compliments and advice to Zencat. Yet you deprive yourself of the very things you encourage others to have.....
(You're a truly special guy. You deserve to enjoy a precious experience with a ready heart.)
I just don't understand......Nikki, I was molested by both of my brothers, beaten emotionally, mentally, and physically by my mother for years, given enemas by my grandmother for years, had S*** smeared on my face, was gang raped in a drunken stupor, was married to a miserable creep for 7 yrs, have been ostracized by my family for most of my life. Yet I keep fighting to get healthy.
You on the other hand, were raped at the age of 4, molested at 5, and taken advantage of by a woman who new your weakness and prayed on you. But you don't fight.....Instead you internalize it, turn it around, blame yourself, and the CUT!!!!! Explain to me WHY?????? Make me understand WHY you cut.... Not how it feels when you slice yourself....I need to know WHY....
If you saw a 4 year old child run in front of a car.....Would you blame her????
If you saw a 4 year old being RAPED....Would you blame this child?????
If your answers are NO..........Then WHY do you blame yourself?????
Please explain this to me...
Love you,
Sid
hergy
02-02-2007, 12:23 AM
I just don't understand......I keep fighting to get healthy.
But you don't fight.....Instead you internalize it, turn it around, blame yourself, and the CUT!!!!! Explain to me WHY?????? Make me understand WHY you cut?
I don't have an answer. I do fight, just not hard enough, I guess. I don't remember what I was told when the stuff happened, maybe that had a bearing.
But, more than that, I was trained by my mom that I'm selfish to be concerned with my feelings. On a bad day, she'd remind me that I was ruining everybody's good time.
Denial makes my family unit the center of dysfunction junction. I always felt guilt for my shame and depression, and I faulted myself for the evil I had done.
No one ever told me I was treated badly, cradled me and said that I'm not bad. There was simply a daily reminder to suck it up.
I do think it's normal to have anger about traumatic events. But I was held responsible for my odd behavior as a kid. So I guess I'm the one I hate for it all.
Big love,
Nikki
But you don't fight.....Instead you internalize it, turn it around, blame yourself, and the CUT!!!!! Explain to me WHY?????? Make me understand WHY you cut?
I don't have an answer. I do fight, just not hard enough, I guess. I don't remember what I was told when the stuff happened, maybe that had a bearing.
But, more than that, I was trained by my mom that I'm selfish to be concerned with my feelings. On a bad day, she'd remind me that I was ruining everybody's good time.
Denial makes my family unit the center of dysfunction junction. I always felt guilt for my shame and depression, and I faulted myself for the evil I had done.
No one ever told me I was treated badly, cradled me and said that I'm not bad. There was simply a daily reminder to suck it up.
I do think it's normal to have anger about traumatic events. But I was held responsible for my odd behavior as a kid. So I guess I'm the one I hate for it all.
Big love,
Nikki
stick2013
02-02-2007, 06:33 AM
Dear Nikki,
I too went through my childhood without the warmth of a loving mother(I got beatings instead) I too was told I was a nothing, a nobody. So I do understand that part, not being able to allow yourself to be nurtured..... That being said..... YOU are an ADULT now....GO back, take Hannah in your arms, give her the love, and acceptance that you didn't have. Tell her that it WASN'T her fault. Cradle her until she has cried all the tears that she has left in her body. Stop punishing yourself and Hannah...Neither of you deserve it. Start LIVING Nikki. Because what you have been doing for the past 25 years is NOT living. It's on the edge of death everyday.....YOU DESERVE so much more than that!!!!!!!!
I wish I could make all of your hurts, pain, and turmoil go away....I can't....But you can.... You have the power within to do it. You just need to fight for it.
Love you so much....................you are my:angel: child....
Hugs,
Sid
I too went through my childhood without the warmth of a loving mother(I got beatings instead) I too was told I was a nothing, a nobody. So I do understand that part, not being able to allow yourself to be nurtured..... That being said..... YOU are an ADULT now....GO back, take Hannah in your arms, give her the love, and acceptance that you didn't have. Tell her that it WASN'T her fault. Cradle her until she has cried all the tears that she has left in her body. Stop punishing yourself and Hannah...Neither of you deserve it. Start LIVING Nikki. Because what you have been doing for the past 25 years is NOT living. It's on the edge of death everyday.....YOU DESERVE so much more than that!!!!!!!!
I wish I could make all of your hurts, pain, and turmoil go away....I can't....But you can.... You have the power within to do it. You just need to fight for it.
Love you so much....................you are my:angel: child....
Hugs,
Sid
ICC
02-02-2007, 08:26 AM
Nikki----Sid's got the bat so I can't use it but will agree with her use of it. She is right. You were a child. no longer are. None of us have had the nurturing in childhood that we needed for if we did we would not have met. I took me many, many years to let someone be nice to me because you see everything that was ever done to me in my life was done because I WAS BAD, I DESERVED IT, I LET IT HAPPEN, I NEVER STOPPED IT, IIIIIIIIIII! It was not me it was the sickos in the world. Most of our parents I believe were either sick, dysfunctional or just plain old mean and nasty. some were ignorant as to how to raise children since they weren't raised with the skills to be a healthy adult. round and round we go, one big circle of dysfunction. I have a very long history of alcoholism in my family. my first husband's family has a long history of alcoholism and abuse. I swore when I had my children I would break that cycle because I couldn;t let it continue into their lives. i wouldn't. Now it's time to break the cycles of abuse in your life. I am not saying that it isn't horrible and will always be apart of you but we can all learn to live with the abuse, heal and live a happy, peaceful life full of positive happenings not all the negativity on a daily basis. Nikki never think for one minute I don't wonder why I stayed with an abusive alcoholic for sooooo very long. I wonder, but i know i knew no better. I wanted to fix him. Now i only want to fix me. Let's get B----- and self centered and not give a rat's behind what anyone thinks and just work on us. Pick one of the issues and let's try to totally get it where it belongs for you. in the past. one at a time. Love you too much to watch you contine to suffer and live in this whirlwind. you are too intelligent and worth so much to settle for this. Prayers and the Angel's are coming your way. Let the Angel's surround you and heal you. It's time my friend. Please don't feel that Sid and I have both beat on you. We love you and want happiness in your life. Some mothers do this to try to get through. I hope we both have.
Love,
Grassshopper xo
Love,
Grassshopper xo
Sannah
02-02-2007, 11:22 AM
But, more than that, I was trained by my mom that I'm selfish to be concerned with my feelings. On a bad day, she'd remind me that I was ruining everybody's good time.
Denial makes my family unit the center of dysfunction junction. I always felt guilt for my shame and depression, and I faulted myself for the evil I had done.
No one ever told me I was treated badly, cradled me and said that I'm not bad. There was simply a daily reminder to suck it up.
I do think it's normal to have anger about traumatic events. But I was held responsible for my odd behavior as a kid. So I guess I'm the one I hate for it all.
Big love,
Nikki
Nikki, this is where I think that it lies. Your mother just kept reinforcing it your whole life. Now I think that you need to tell yourself that your mother was WRONG. If you stop blaming yourself your mother will not stop loving you!
Sid, you go girl!
Denial makes my family unit the center of dysfunction junction. I always felt guilt for my shame and depression, and I faulted myself for the evil I had done.
No one ever told me I was treated badly, cradled me and said that I'm not bad. There was simply a daily reminder to suck it up.
I do think it's normal to have anger about traumatic events. But I was held responsible for my odd behavior as a kid. So I guess I'm the one I hate for it all.
Big love,
Nikki
Nikki, this is where I think that it lies. Your mother just kept reinforcing it your whole life. Now I think that you need to tell yourself that your mother was WRONG. If you stop blaming yourself your mother will not stop loving you!
Sid, you go girl!
ICC
02-02-2007, 02:01 PM
right on sannah----Nikki that's why it takes all of us. I couldn't get that out. My mother thought i was a bad girl and worth nothing from the time I can remember. that's why i let people abuse me, abused myself and never thought things could be better or that I deserved them to be better. You know what sweetheart everyone is entitled to their opinion. my mother has hers and I have mine. Feelings need to be validated for us to accept them and go further.You mother is only one person. exluding us if you take your best friend and don't forget yourself, your feelings, hurts, traumas and your being worth soooooooooo very much more than you give yourself credit for have been validated.
Hugs,
Grasshopper xo
Hugs,
Grasshopper xo
hergy
02-02-2007, 04:47 PM
YOU are an ADULT now....GO back, take Hannah in your arms, give her the love, and acceptance that you didn't have. Tell her that it WASN'T her fault. Cradle her until she has cried all the tears that she has left in her body. Stop punishing yourself and Hannah...Neither of you deserve it. Start LIVING Nikki. Because what you have been doing for the past 25 years is NOT living. It's on the edge of death everyday.....YOU DESERVE so much more than that!!!!!!!!
Nobody's ever summed it up like that for me: It's on the edge of death every day. That's exactly what it has been.
But I'm doing what you said.:) I started today.:bouncing: I couldn't wait to tell you.
I opened up the floodgates in therapy. I almost got committed, but I was open, honest, cried and got really mad at some people that weren't in the room. My therapist was proud of me and told me that I hadn't been that open since we began meeting a year ago. She suggested I reward myself as I left her office.:)
I felt like vomiting when I got back in my car. This openness doesn't feel pleasant, but it seems to be for the best.
Thanks for the butt-kicking and the love that puts a lump in my throat.
I love you a lot. You help me more than you know.
Nikki
Nobody's ever summed it up like that for me: It's on the edge of death every day. That's exactly what it has been.
But I'm doing what you said.:) I started today.:bouncing: I couldn't wait to tell you.
I opened up the floodgates in therapy. I almost got committed, but I was open, honest, cried and got really mad at some people that weren't in the room. My therapist was proud of me and told me that I hadn't been that open since we began meeting a year ago. She suggested I reward myself as I left her office.:)
I felt like vomiting when I got back in my car. This openness doesn't feel pleasant, but it seems to be for the best.
Thanks for the butt-kicking and the love that puts a lump in my throat.
I love you a lot. You help me more than you know.
Nikki
hergy
02-02-2007, 04:52 PM
Sid's got the bat so I can't use it but will agree with her use of it. She is right. You were a child. no longer are.
...Most of our parents I believe were either sick, dysfunctional or just plain old mean and nasty. some were ignorant as to how to raise children since they weren't raised with the skills to be a healthy adult. round and round we go, one big circle of dysfunction.
...Please don't feel that Sid and I have both beat on you. We love you and want happiness in your life. Some mothers do this to try to get through. I hope we both have.
Don't worry, ICC. This time, the bat's made of marshmallows, effectively sweet.
You gave me a smile with the "just plain old mean and nasty."
I NEVER buck against your words. You send warmth and love with everything you say. You truly nurture and I eat it up.
I love you, cyber mom!:wave:
Nikki
...Most of our parents I believe were either sick, dysfunctional or just plain old mean and nasty. some were ignorant as to how to raise children since they weren't raised with the skills to be a healthy adult. round and round we go, one big circle of dysfunction.
...Please don't feel that Sid and I have both beat on you. We love you and want happiness in your life. Some mothers do this to try to get through. I hope we both have.
Don't worry, ICC. This time, the bat's made of marshmallows, effectively sweet.
You gave me a smile with the "just plain old mean and nasty."
I NEVER buck against your words. You send warmth and love with everything you say. You truly nurture and I eat it up.
I love you, cyber mom!:wave:
Nikki
stick2013
02-02-2007, 04:53 PM
Nikki,
If you only knew how much I care about you, and WANT for you to be happy. To have EVERYTHING in life that you have missed and deserve.....You are a precious child that has been laid open, and hurt... But you can cover the wounds and heal. It takes time, it takes work, and your right it feels like CRAP when you are in the middle of it.. But you can get there....
I am so proud of you toooooooooooooo I wish that I could grab you, hug the crap out of you, hit you once or twice with my BAT, and then take you out to dinner, a movie, and a shopping spree. Buy you something wonderful, and tell you a thousand times how proud I am and how much I love you.......
I really do love you.....
Sid
You ROCK!!!!!!!
If you only knew how much I care about you, and WANT for you to be happy. To have EVERYTHING in life that you have missed and deserve.....You are a precious child that has been laid open, and hurt... But you can cover the wounds and heal. It takes time, it takes work, and your right it feels like CRAP when you are in the middle of it.. But you can get there....
I am so proud of you toooooooooooooo I wish that I could grab you, hug the crap out of you, hit you once or twice with my BAT, and then take you out to dinner, a movie, and a shopping spree. Buy you something wonderful, and tell you a thousand times how proud I am and how much I love you.......
I really do love you.....
Sid
You ROCK!!!!!!!
hergy
02-02-2007, 04:55 PM
Now I think that you need to tell yourself that your mother was WRONG. If you stop blaming yourself your mother will not stop loving you!
Thanks, Sannah. It's hard to sincerely admit that your mom was wrong. I know she loves me and never intended to do any harm.
Your post is VERY comforting.
Love and lots hugs,
Nikki
Thanks, Sannah. It's hard to sincerely admit that your mom was wrong. I know she loves me and never intended to do any harm.
Your post is VERY comforting.
Love and lots hugs,
Nikki
hergy
02-02-2007, 04:59 PM
If you only knew how much I care about you, and WANT for you to be happy. To have EVERYTHING in life that you have missed and deserve.....You are a precious child...
....I am so proud of you toooooooooooooo I wish that I could grab you, hug the crap out of you, hit you once or twice with my BAT, and then take you out to dinner, a movie, and a shopping spree. Buy you something wonderful, and tell you a thousand times how proud I am and how much I love you.
With my nose burning and my eyes full of tears, I'm already squeezing you! I wish you could grab me, too. I love you and your bat and your awesome love! To hear that you're proud of me is priceless. Thanks!
I love you!
Nikki
....I am so proud of you toooooooooooooo I wish that I could grab you, hug the crap out of you, hit you once or twice with my BAT, and then take you out to dinner, a movie, and a shopping spree. Buy you something wonderful, and tell you a thousand times how proud I am and how much I love you.
With my nose burning and my eyes full of tears, I'm already squeezing you! I wish you could grab me, too. I love you and your bat and your awesome love! To hear that you're proud of me is priceless. Thanks!
I love you!
Nikki
stick2013
02-02-2007, 05:11 PM
Dearest Nikki,
If I could take your pain away, bring you back to that day, and heal you I would do it right now. If I could take your scars, and make them disappear they would be gone in a blink. I would if I could.....
You have the power to heal yourself, and to acheive happiness at last. You have the power to be whole, to have a terrific job, the love of your life, children a cat or a dog...You have the power to make it all happen. You also have the strength to do this.......Your intelligent, gifted, and a super human being with tons of love to offer. Go out in the world Nikki and find what you have denied yourself for so long. Start living as of today.......
All of us will be here to help you, guide you, comfort you, pick you up if you fall, and SMACK YOUR A&& with the BAT if you need it......
We ALL love you very much!!!!!!
'specially me....
Hugs, squishy one!!!!!!!
Sid
If I could take your pain away, bring you back to that day, and heal you I would do it right now. If I could take your scars, and make them disappear they would be gone in a blink. I would if I could.....
You have the power to heal yourself, and to acheive happiness at last. You have the power to be whole, to have a terrific job, the love of your life, children a cat or a dog...You have the power to make it all happen. You also have the strength to do this.......Your intelligent, gifted, and a super human being with tons of love to offer. Go out in the world Nikki and find what you have denied yourself for so long. Start living as of today.......
All of us will be here to help you, guide you, comfort you, pick you up if you fall, and SMACK YOUR A&& with the BAT if you need it......
We ALL love you very much!!!!!!
'specially me....
Hugs, squishy one!!!!!!!
Sid
hergy
02-02-2007, 06:00 PM
Sid,
Your encouraging, nurturing words, along with your fabulous squishy hug, mean the world to me. I believe your words, every one.
Your confidence in me is like getting a personal pep rally. I've really hated Nikki this week. I'm glad you didn't start hating her, too. Your support, and that of the others, has been more help than I can describe. You even showed up at the other board. Bold, loving move!
I love you cyber mom!
Nikki
Your encouraging, nurturing words, along with your fabulous squishy hug, mean the world to me. I believe your words, every one.
Your confidence in me is like getting a personal pep rally. I've really hated Nikki this week. I'm glad you didn't start hating her, too. Your support, and that of the others, has been more help than I can describe. You even showed up at the other board. Bold, loving move!
I love you cyber mom!
Nikki