GracelessLady
01-30-2007, 04:15 AM
OK, so I've formed some weird 'Obsessive Compulsive disorder' within the past year. I haven't been feeling so well since It started. One morning I just woke up and I was obsessing over things that I usually never even really thought of. For one: I was having anxiety twords kids and didn't know why. Second: I couldn't watch certain movies that had to do with murdering, ****** women or men, eating flesh, and sexual predotors, because once I watched something like that I suddenly couldn't get it out of my head. I would think about every detail and it was sick to me. So soon enough I started wondering If I was capable of doing such horrible things. So every since that started, It's been constant suffering for me 24/7. I started freaking out when I'd get around kids, because I was scared I'd have a sexual thoughts about them. I also quit watching T.V, because If I saw something that messed with my head, then I'd drive myself crazy and get really depressed. Once I got like that, I'd stop getting dressed during the day, I would call into work and fake being sick, and I'd cry all day, and be mean to everyone I knew, including myself. So, I started grounding myself from things I loved the most. Soon enough I found out I was pregnant, and I have always secretly wanted a baby, so I was pretty happy, but pretty scared at the same time, because of the thoughts and the fears I started having twords kids. I couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. So, every day I felt miserable and alone, because I couldn't talk to anyone, and I was scared my fiance would think I was some sick weirdo, and he'd take my kid away once I had her. So..I kept it private, and just told him that I didn't feel well, and that I wasn't sure why.
Ok so, some days were really good. One day I was so excited to be pregnant, and some days I wanted to die, because of these thoughts. I think the anxiety twords kids, consumed me the worst than the other thoughts did, because I've never once In my life thought such things. I mean I'd randomly have anxiety twords kids, and I'd start freaking out. So I started thinking I was a weirdo. Anyways, my daughter is now 4 months old. I'm writing this, because I need help and I have no other way to vent. My fiance now knows what's going through my head, but doesnt understand why. I'm not capable of my thoughts, but they get me down. So why?! Why does this have to happen to me? I'm a good person and I'm also very young. I pray that things will get better. It's been so long since I've looked to the distance and felt like life itself was the most beautiful thing ever. I'm really sad. Also I've been obsessing over a ex-boyfriend for the past 2 1/2 years. Is that normal? And yes, I do love my fiance, but I can't figure out why I think about this other guy so much?!
Ok so, some days were really good. One day I was so excited to be pregnant, and some days I wanted to die, because of these thoughts. I think the anxiety twords kids, consumed me the worst than the other thoughts did, because I've never once In my life thought such things. I mean I'd randomly have anxiety twords kids, and I'd start freaking out. So I started thinking I was a weirdo. Anyways, my daughter is now 4 months old. I'm writing this, because I need help and I have no other way to vent. My fiance now knows what's going through my head, but doesnt understand why. I'm not capable of my thoughts, but they get me down. So why?! Why does this have to happen to me? I'm a good person and I'm also very young. I pray that things will get better. It's been so long since I've looked to the distance and felt like life itself was the most beautiful thing ever. I'm really sad. Also I've been obsessing over a ex-boyfriend for the past 2 1/2 years. Is that normal? And yes, I do love my fiance, but I can't figure out why I think about this other guy so much?!
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azale
01-30-2007, 09:27 AM
Look up Pure O on google, and look through the threads on the OCD forum page. Alot of people have your very same fears and thoughts. I have a slightly different problem, but intrusive, disturbing thoughts that you KNOW are not you and that you WANT TO STOP is one of the clear indicators of OCD.
Dantheinsane
01-30-2007, 09:16 PM
Yep, do look up Pure "O", also intrusive thoughts. Rumination is another one of the O of OCD. That is why it is called pure O.
Instead of suffering go see a psychiatrist and you will need a therapist, here I learned about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I am in the process of doing.
****pedia is a great place to start. Or read old posts here, many have talked about it.
Instead of suffering go see a psychiatrist and you will need a therapist, here I learned about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I am in the process of doing.
****pedia is a great place to start. Or read old posts here, many have talked about it.
ocdengineer
01-30-2007, 10:59 PM
I have the same dissorder and symptoms, so you are not alone in this. Just make sure you and your husband understand that this is a mental dissorder not a character flaw. You have a physical difference in your brain that can be fixed through training. CBT as Dan said works well and meditation is great as well for controlling thoughts or not allowing them to cause you anxiety. I started taking Xanax for the anxiety and now meditate every morning and I feel much better. I have bad days and good days, but the good outweigh the bad. There is help out there and I suggest you seek it. Make sure you keep your husband involved so that he understands what is going on with you. If you have any other questions please don't hesitate to ask. Many of us have years of experience under our belts, so we can point you in the right direction. Read the books "stop obsessing" and "brainlock". Both will put this nasty dissorder into perspective for you really quick.
Take Care,
OE
Take Care,
OE