ICC
01-30-2007, 12:55 PM
Hello my friend---I know you are hurting and alot has gone on here but as you did me I will leave you a "thinking of you" message everyday until you feel like posting. Nothing major, just a "hello, i'm ok" or "hello, I need your help" . always on my mind.
ICY:)
ICY:)
Sponsor
Phoenix
01-30-2007, 01:58 PM
Dear ICY,
For some reason, I now feel "out of the loop."
I asked Nikki to get in contact with her inner child and went deeper. It appears that I feel responsible for the beginning of this "whirlwind."
A vast majority of those posting here would rather live in the "here and now" and I can respect that but I no longer know what I can bring to the table, in just the present.
The reason that I have arrived at this point is that I am a person who believes the past is the key to the present and both factors are the key to one's future.
I look at this board and it appears to me as a board of recouperation; the calm after the storm and I do not want to interfere with this; so I "view from afar."
Plain and simple, I can be a bit too cerebral at times and it is not in every person's benefit.
The message I left for Sid was real; I seriously felt worried and that is what I would have done for any individual here; it's unconditional.
I promised that I would not leave and I haven't.
You,Sannah,Sid,isitme,LiT,trg,zencat and every person that I have connected with, I truly appreciated your responses.
I am too sensitive, caring, protective and analytical. I have a kind-hearted nature.
The group is doing just fine without me and that is a good thing.
For now, I will prepare for my cervical surgery date (t/b/a) and the possibility that an additional lumbar fusion may be required.
Simply put, my words can be more harmful than helpful; for the sake of the group, I will be that number in the "view" column.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
For some reason, I now feel "out of the loop."
I asked Nikki to get in contact with her inner child and went deeper. It appears that I feel responsible for the beginning of this "whirlwind."
A vast majority of those posting here would rather live in the "here and now" and I can respect that but I no longer know what I can bring to the table, in just the present.
The reason that I have arrived at this point is that I am a person who believes the past is the key to the present and both factors are the key to one's future.
I look at this board and it appears to me as a board of recouperation; the calm after the storm and I do not want to interfere with this; so I "view from afar."
Plain and simple, I can be a bit too cerebral at times and it is not in every person's benefit.
The message I left for Sid was real; I seriously felt worried and that is what I would have done for any individual here; it's unconditional.
I promised that I would not leave and I haven't.
You,Sannah,Sid,isitme,LiT,trg,zencat and every person that I have connected with, I truly appreciated your responses.
I am too sensitive, caring, protective and analytical. I have a kind-hearted nature.
The group is doing just fine without me and that is a good thing.
For now, I will prepare for my cervical surgery date (t/b/a) and the possibility that an additional lumbar fusion may be required.
Simply put, my words can be more harmful than helpful; for the sake of the group, I will be that number in the "view" column.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Sannah
01-30-2007, 02:08 PM
FTM, you started something wonderful with Nikki! She has just moved beyond denial and this is a huge, much needed step in her recovery. When you brought up the issue of Nikki's inner child the way you did that day, I thought, wow, how intuitive of FTM. He hit what Nikki needed right on the head. I actually was quite impressed because you really started something. It sounded as though it was painful for Nikki to move beyond her denial but if she is going to get better this is the first step. ICC is also doing much better and now she knows for the first time what SHE needs! Don't stop what you have been doing, okay, FTM?
ICC
01-30-2007, 03:45 PM
FTM:) there is not much I can add to sannah's answer because I agree whole heartedly with everything she has said. you are too much of a benefit to all of us. The group is not intact anymore and that's ok. Some are doing better, some have disappeared. Thinking as you do you understand why I had to step back a notch. Never wanted to hurt anyone and was to a point that i felt I could only help myself which I have done with the knowledge brought my way by all of you. I agree that past, present and future are all linked together for if they weren't we would not be us. I have also and still do at times feel out of the loop. no longer in a bad place and nothing to offer. There are new people coming along that your insight and kindness will be beneficial to. You helped Nikki to come out and your post about PTSD is what made me see the light. I got angry at "it" and that in itself helped me to move on. doesn't mean I'm there and no longer have repect for your input or care about you just that I am in a better place than I was months ago. Please don't ever feel you're not needed. Don't forget who kept me here in the first place. The parting of the ways in sad in a sense but I feel i understand you better than anyone here as most of my adult life if i didn't feel needed i didn't feel anything. I need me now. You need you. We still share. I am praying for your physical and mental recovery as always. keep me updted on surgery date. You feel as if you created a whirlwind???? what a wonderful man you are. We all needed to see and you guided us. that is not a bad thing and I think you're seeing it as such. Wish you wouldn't. Some of the names might change but the pain is the same no matter who it is coming from. Keep giving. You were born to.
Hugs,
ICY;)
Hugs,
ICY;)
hergy
01-30-2007, 05:31 PM
I asked Nikki to get in contact with her inner child and went deeper. It appears that I feel responsible for the beginning of this "whirlwind."
...but I no longer know what I can bring to the table, in just the present.
...I look at this board and it appears to me as a board of recouperation; the calm after the storm and I do not want to interfere with this; so I "view from afar."
...The group is doing just fine without me and that is a good thing.
...Simply put, my words can be more harmful than helpful; for the sake of the group, I will be that number in the "view" column.
FTM,
Speaking for the one whose inner child recently started kicking, you didn't damage me. You can't. I see my 'memory movies' whether or not I communicate with you. Support and friendship are what I seek on this board. My therapist deals with her sense of responsibility with regard to my behavior and mental state. I'm officially under her care and that of my psychiatrist.
Be yourself - your loving, genuine, caring self.
A lot of us have a feeling that we're responsible for each other, and sometimes we scare our own selves away. I did. Thinking that I've said something that sent someone on a downward spiral is a load I can't bear.
Also, worry that I've lost a friend I never met distracts me from caring to discuss my own issues. How can I talk about nightmares when I think a good friend may be dead?
I had a breakdown in December 2005 and I've been struggling to get my head on straight since then. I didn't know any of you guys until the end of 2006. So no one here can claim responsibility for my problems. No matter what I do or say, I'm an adult. If I'm so fragile that a word will break me, then how can I expect to watch television, read a book, start working again, and otherwise expose myself to potentially painful sights and sounds. On this board, I expose feelings I rarely verbalize. But I'm tougher than it seems.
I fight. And, yes, several of us got caught in a whirl. But you didn't cause any of our traumas. We're all on the PTSD board because we're clinging together in a little lifeboat trying to leave a sinking, screwed up mass of trauma and pain.
I recently had an excruciating, but necessary realization. It happened 2 days after a therapy session. I sometimes teeter on the edge, but I've managed to hang on this long.
I mentioned once to ICC, what if the other shoe does drop? You can't 'drop' any shoes in my life. You don't know where I live and you don't even know what size I wear.:)
I love you, FTM. You are a complex man who hurts in more ways than one. Believe me, I understand that situation more than you know. You have a powerful presence on this board. I look forward to your posts.
And that table? When my friends gather 'round a table, we talk. No one's responsible for telling one to go to the restroom, get a cup of coffee or retire for the evening. Everybody makes his/her own choices. The memory of the lives mixing at the table is the moment I cherish.
I like when you're at the table.
Love and hugs and thanks for your wisdom,
Nikki
...but I no longer know what I can bring to the table, in just the present.
...I look at this board and it appears to me as a board of recouperation; the calm after the storm and I do not want to interfere with this; so I "view from afar."
...The group is doing just fine without me and that is a good thing.
...Simply put, my words can be more harmful than helpful; for the sake of the group, I will be that number in the "view" column.
FTM,
Speaking for the one whose inner child recently started kicking, you didn't damage me. You can't. I see my 'memory movies' whether or not I communicate with you. Support and friendship are what I seek on this board. My therapist deals with her sense of responsibility with regard to my behavior and mental state. I'm officially under her care and that of my psychiatrist.
Be yourself - your loving, genuine, caring self.
A lot of us have a feeling that we're responsible for each other, and sometimes we scare our own selves away. I did. Thinking that I've said something that sent someone on a downward spiral is a load I can't bear.
Also, worry that I've lost a friend I never met distracts me from caring to discuss my own issues. How can I talk about nightmares when I think a good friend may be dead?
I had a breakdown in December 2005 and I've been struggling to get my head on straight since then. I didn't know any of you guys until the end of 2006. So no one here can claim responsibility for my problems. No matter what I do or say, I'm an adult. If I'm so fragile that a word will break me, then how can I expect to watch television, read a book, start working again, and otherwise expose myself to potentially painful sights and sounds. On this board, I expose feelings I rarely verbalize. But I'm tougher than it seems.
I fight. And, yes, several of us got caught in a whirl. But you didn't cause any of our traumas. We're all on the PTSD board because we're clinging together in a little lifeboat trying to leave a sinking, screwed up mass of trauma and pain.
I recently had an excruciating, but necessary realization. It happened 2 days after a therapy session. I sometimes teeter on the edge, but I've managed to hang on this long.
I mentioned once to ICC, what if the other shoe does drop? You can't 'drop' any shoes in my life. You don't know where I live and you don't even know what size I wear.:)
I love you, FTM. You are a complex man who hurts in more ways than one. Believe me, I understand that situation more than you know. You have a powerful presence on this board. I look forward to your posts.
And that table? When my friends gather 'round a table, we talk. No one's responsible for telling one to go to the restroom, get a cup of coffee or retire for the evening. Everybody makes his/her own choices. The memory of the lives mixing at the table is the moment I cherish.
I like when you're at the table.
Love and hugs and thanks for your wisdom,
Nikki
Phoenix
01-30-2007, 06:27 PM
FTM, you started something wonderful with Nikki! She has just moved beyond denial and this is a huge, much needed step in her recovery. When you brought up the issue of Nikki's inner child the way you did that day, I thought, wow, how intuitive of FTM. He hit what Nikki needed right on the head. I actually was quite impressed because you really started something. It sounded as though it was painful for Nikki to move beyond her denial but if she is going to get better this is the first step. ICC is also doing much better and now she knows for the first time what SHE needs! Don't stop what you have been doing, okay, FTM?
Dear Sannah,
All of us are destined to be here at this point in time for a purpose.
I am cursed (or is it a blessing;the jury is out) with always attempting to find a deeper meaning. This makes it (at times) difficult to just see things as "black and white."
If you ask a person how many sides there are to a quarter, their answer is usually two. I say there is three, if you include the ridged edges as a side.
It is not a specific person that I feel was more affected than the other; in a way I realize that the "inner child" part of regressing hit home with many of us.
People began remembering things that were "locked away" for quite some time but this was familiar territory for me.
It takes vast amounts of "mental energy" to search for answers from within and to regress to childhood is a journey that must be approached with caution. I did it but tripped and fell flat on my face at times.I needed to know what made me "tick" and needed answers that I wasn't getting anywhere else.
All I want to do is help; when, where and if I can.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Dear Sannah,
All of us are destined to be here at this point in time for a purpose.
I am cursed (or is it a blessing;the jury is out) with always attempting to find a deeper meaning. This makes it (at times) difficult to just see things as "black and white."
If you ask a person how many sides there are to a quarter, their answer is usually two. I say there is three, if you include the ridged edges as a side.
It is not a specific person that I feel was more affected than the other; in a way I realize that the "inner child" part of regressing hit home with many of us.
People began remembering things that were "locked away" for quite some time but this was familiar territory for me.
It takes vast amounts of "mental energy" to search for answers from within and to regress to childhood is a journey that must be approached with caution. I did it but tripped and fell flat on my face at times.I needed to know what made me "tick" and needed answers that I wasn't getting anywhere else.
All I want to do is help; when, where and if I can.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
ICC
01-30-2007, 06:38 PM
FTM-----when I first came here you and I talked about our lost loved ones. the more we talked the more issues were brought out in addition to grief. In searching for my inner self, my inner child I stumbled and fell on my face many times. There was a very strong, kind, loving man there to pick me up each time. last week when i was hurting and couldn't take anymore you were there everyday with a message so I knew you cared. People come and go but some of us will always be around wether we are in need o helping. i hope you are one of them.
Love you,
ICY:)
Love you,
ICY:)
Phoenix
01-30-2007, 08:02 PM
FTM:) there is not much I can add to sannah's answer because I agree whole heartedly with everything she has said. you are too much of a benefit to all of us. The group is not intact anymore and that's ok. Some are doing better, some have disappeared. Thinking as you do you understand why I had to step back a notch. Never wanted to hurt anyone and was to a point that i felt I could only help myself which I have done with the knowledge brought my way by all of you. I agree that past, present and future are all linked together for if they weren't we would not be us. I have also and still do at times feel out of the loop. no longer in a bad place and nothing to offer. There are new people coming along that your insight and kindness will be beneficial to. You helped Nikki to come out and your post about PTSD is what made me see the light. I got angry at "it" and that in itself helped me to move on. doesn't mean I'm there and no longer have repect for your input or care about you just that I am in a better place than I was months ago. Please don't ever feel you're not needed. Don't forget who kept me here in the first place. The parting of the ways in sad in a sense but I feel i understand you better than anyone here as most of my adult life if i didn't feel needed i didn't feel anything. I need me now. You need you. We still share. I am praying for your physical and mental recovery as always. keep me updted on surgery date. You feel as if you created a whirlwind???? what a wonderful man you are. We all needed to see and you guided us. that is not a bad thing and I think you're seeing it as such. Wish you wouldn't. Some of the names might change but the pain is the same no matter who it is coming from. Keep giving. You were born to.
Hugs,
ICY;)
Dear ICY,
I hear you on so many levels.
I do believe that it was necessary to regress but I am just saddened by it's ill effects. PTSD is still being researched and case studies are being conducted as we post daily. In and of itself, psychology is not an "exact science" because others are revealing different aspects of human behavior on a daily basis.
How long did the world believe that there were no cures for certain ilnesses, until they were actually revealed. I must remain optimistic.
Here is the thing with my surgery:
I was actually asked which one I preferred first. This leads me to believe that I will need another lumbar fusion. It still mystifies me that the neurosurgeon (who comes highly recommended) did not stop to consider that the L4-L5 herniated disc had an effect on my legs.
Scratch that; the discogram showed no pain at that level, mainly because my legs were numb and the severity of my lumbar pain would not allow me to see this (at least that's how I tend to interpret it).
I honestly would prefer both surgeries performed at the same time and then I would be done (hopefully). "It would provide for too much stress on your body" is what they tell me.
Last time I checked, my entire body is malfunctioning, on different levels (thanks Mr. commercial driver:rolleyes: ).
At least I see the therapist on Friday; may I never be the same again, in a good way.
This communication is the closest thing to being telepathic and yet on certain levels......................let me leave that alone:) .
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Hugs,
ICY;)
Dear ICY,
I hear you on so many levels.
I do believe that it was necessary to regress but I am just saddened by it's ill effects. PTSD is still being researched and case studies are being conducted as we post daily. In and of itself, psychology is not an "exact science" because others are revealing different aspects of human behavior on a daily basis.
How long did the world believe that there were no cures for certain ilnesses, until they were actually revealed. I must remain optimistic.
Here is the thing with my surgery:
I was actually asked which one I preferred first. This leads me to believe that I will need another lumbar fusion. It still mystifies me that the neurosurgeon (who comes highly recommended) did not stop to consider that the L4-L5 herniated disc had an effect on my legs.
Scratch that; the discogram showed no pain at that level, mainly because my legs were numb and the severity of my lumbar pain would not allow me to see this (at least that's how I tend to interpret it).
I honestly would prefer both surgeries performed at the same time and then I would be done (hopefully). "It would provide for too much stress on your body" is what they tell me.
Last time I checked, my entire body is malfunctioning, on different levels (thanks Mr. commercial driver:rolleyes: ).
At least I see the therapist on Friday; may I never be the same again, in a good way.
This communication is the closest thing to being telepathic and yet on certain levels......................let me leave that alone:) .
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Phoenix
01-30-2007, 08:22 PM
FTM-----when I first came here you and I talked about our lost loved ones. the more we talked the more issues were brought out in addition to grief. In searching for my inner self, my inner child I stumbled and fell on my face many times. There was a very strong, kind, loving man there to pick me up each time. last week when i was hurting and couldn't take anymore you were there everyday with a message so I knew you cared. People come and go but some of us will always be around wether we are in need o helping. i hope you are one of them.
Love you,
ICY:)
Dear ICY,
That kind, loving MAN that was there to pick you up was Jesus; He was simply working through me (which humbles me deeply).:angel:
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Love you,
ICY:)
Dear ICY,
That kind, loving MAN that was there to pick you up was Jesus; He was simply working through me (which humbles me deeply).:angel:
Take care
God Bless
FTM
ICC
01-30-2007, 09:26 PM
FTM----you and I have communicated well tonight. telepathic:) we will continue to on different levels at different times. The ill effects of regression had to be felt by most of us to progress. It is a fact of life and the nature of the "beast". I know how the MAN works. He has chosen a representative wisely. NO 2 surgeries together. IT IS TOO MUCH STRESS ON THE BODY AND MIND. OK that being said have a good night, sleep peacefully as I will and we will talk again tomorrow.
God bless and keep you safe always,
ICY:wave:
God bless and keep you safe always,
ICY:wave:
Phoenix
01-30-2007, 09:47 PM
FTM,
Speaking for the one whose inner child recently started kicking, you didn't damage me. You can't. I see my 'memory movies' whether or not I communicate with you. Support and friendship are what I seek on this board. My therapist deals with her sense of responsibility with regard to my behavior and mental state. I'm officially under her care and that of my psychiatrist.
Be yourself - your loving, genuine, caring self.
A lot of us have a feeling that we're responsible for each other, and sometimes we scare our own selves away. I did. Thinking that I've said something that sent someone on a downward spiral is a load I can't bear.
Also, worry that I've lost a friend I never met distracts me from caring to discuss my own issues. How can I talk about nightmares when I think a good friend may be dead?
I had a breakdown in December 2005 and I've been struggling to get my head on straight since then. I didn't know any of you guys until the end of 2006. So no one here can claim responsibility for my problems. No matter what I do or say, I'm an adult. If I'm so fragile that a word will break me, then how can I expect to watch television, read a book, start working again, and otherwise expose myself to potentially painful sights and sounds. On this board, I expose feelings I rarely verbalize. But I'm tougher than it seems.
I fight. And, yes, several of us got caught in a whirl. But you didn't cause any of our traumas. We're all on the PTSD board because we're clinging together in a little lifeboat trying to leave a sinking, screwed up mass of trauma and pain.
I recently had an excruciating, but necessary realization. It happened 2 days after a therapy session. I sometimes teeter on the edge, but I've managed to hang on this long.
I mentioned once to ICC, what if the other shoe does drop? You can't 'drop' any shoes in my life. You don't know where I live and you don't even know what size I wear.:)
I love you, FTM. You are a complex man who hurts in more ways than one. Believe me, I understand that situation more than you know. You have a powerful presence on this board. I look forward to your posts.
And that table? When my friends gather 'round a table, we talk. No one's responsible for telling one to go to the restroom, get a cup of coffee or retire for the evening. Everybody makes his/her own choices. The memory of the lives mixing at the table is the moment I cherish.
I like when you're at the table.
Love and hugs and thanks for your wisdom,
Nikki
Dear Nikki,
I for one never felt that you were "daintily" fragile; just in need of an additional point of view.
I am not responsible for others on this board but I am responsible for my own words posted. What this has done is made me more cautious, thus having to choose topics I approach more wisely.
The words I use these days come from the results of ciphering through my pain.
I once saw this movie that stated "you will be a better poet/writer when you have suffered more." I have transferred pain on so many levels (actually, I am doing so now) and would not dare subject any others to my practices. It just involves going different places in one's mind.
My pain has reached a certain threshold that only the practices that I have subjected myself to will seem to control; I must disassociate at times.
I love you too, Nikki; actually I love you all.
I have adopted certain principles in my life and the more I do, the more I realize that the buddhists are really onto something. I am catholic but there is a lot to be said for "inner peace" when surrounded by chaos and vice versa.
If you see me as complex on the outside, then imagine what goes on inside; especially now.....................
and it is at the table I sit.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Speaking for the one whose inner child recently started kicking, you didn't damage me. You can't. I see my 'memory movies' whether or not I communicate with you. Support and friendship are what I seek on this board. My therapist deals with her sense of responsibility with regard to my behavior and mental state. I'm officially under her care and that of my psychiatrist.
Be yourself - your loving, genuine, caring self.
A lot of us have a feeling that we're responsible for each other, and sometimes we scare our own selves away. I did. Thinking that I've said something that sent someone on a downward spiral is a load I can't bear.
Also, worry that I've lost a friend I never met distracts me from caring to discuss my own issues. How can I talk about nightmares when I think a good friend may be dead?
I had a breakdown in December 2005 and I've been struggling to get my head on straight since then. I didn't know any of you guys until the end of 2006. So no one here can claim responsibility for my problems. No matter what I do or say, I'm an adult. If I'm so fragile that a word will break me, then how can I expect to watch television, read a book, start working again, and otherwise expose myself to potentially painful sights and sounds. On this board, I expose feelings I rarely verbalize. But I'm tougher than it seems.
I fight. And, yes, several of us got caught in a whirl. But you didn't cause any of our traumas. We're all on the PTSD board because we're clinging together in a little lifeboat trying to leave a sinking, screwed up mass of trauma and pain.
I recently had an excruciating, but necessary realization. It happened 2 days after a therapy session. I sometimes teeter on the edge, but I've managed to hang on this long.
I mentioned once to ICC, what if the other shoe does drop? You can't 'drop' any shoes in my life. You don't know where I live and you don't even know what size I wear.:)
I love you, FTM. You are a complex man who hurts in more ways than one. Believe me, I understand that situation more than you know. You have a powerful presence on this board. I look forward to your posts.
And that table? When my friends gather 'round a table, we talk. No one's responsible for telling one to go to the restroom, get a cup of coffee or retire for the evening. Everybody makes his/her own choices. The memory of the lives mixing at the table is the moment I cherish.
I like when you're at the table.
Love and hugs and thanks for your wisdom,
Nikki
Dear Nikki,
I for one never felt that you were "daintily" fragile; just in need of an additional point of view.
I am not responsible for others on this board but I am responsible for my own words posted. What this has done is made me more cautious, thus having to choose topics I approach more wisely.
The words I use these days come from the results of ciphering through my pain.
I once saw this movie that stated "you will be a better poet/writer when you have suffered more." I have transferred pain on so many levels (actually, I am doing so now) and would not dare subject any others to my practices. It just involves going different places in one's mind.
My pain has reached a certain threshold that only the practices that I have subjected myself to will seem to control; I must disassociate at times.
I love you too, Nikki; actually I love you all.
I have adopted certain principles in my life and the more I do, the more I realize that the buddhists are really onto something. I am catholic but there is a lot to be said for "inner peace" when surrounded by chaos and vice versa.
If you see me as complex on the outside, then imagine what goes on inside; especially now.....................
and it is at the table I sit.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
zencat
01-31-2007, 12:55 PM
(((FTM))) ~ living in the here and now involves living with ourselves first. We are a collection of beliefs about ourselves, beliefs about others. our experiences, memories, circumstances , and our environment, just to name a few. The more we discover how our past influences our current ( present ) actions the better we can relate with ourselves, others, and our present circumstances and to plan for future responses to new situations….. So…….keep digging…..the past shapes the future…Zencat
Phoenix
01-31-2007, 01:02 PM
(((FTM))) ~ living in the here and now involves living with ourselves first. We are a collection of beliefs about ourselves, beliefs about others. our experiences, memories, circumstances , and our environment, just to name a few. The more we discover how our past influences our current ( present ) actions the better we can relate with ourselves, others, and our present circumstances and to plan for future responses to new situations….. So…….keep digging…..the past shapes the future…Zencat
Dear zencat,
I thought that you were upset with me for a moment,so I "crept" around you.
If I go any deeper, I will probably reach another dimension:) ...............
but I'm prepared for it.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Dear zencat,
I thought that you were upset with me for a moment,so I "crept" around you.
If I go any deeper, I will probably reach another dimension:) ...............
but I'm prepared for it.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Zally
01-31-2007, 01:19 PM
(((FTM))) ~ living in the here and now involves living with ourselves first. We are a collection of beliefs about ourselves, beliefs about others. our experiences, memories, circumstances , and our environment, just to name a few. The more we discover how our past influences our current ( present ) actions the better we can relate with ourselves, others, and our present circumstances and to plan for future responses to new situations….. So…….keep digging…..the past shapes the future…Zencat
Zencat, this is beautiful!
Zencat, this is beautiful!