stick2013
02-02-2007, 08:33 PM
Hi Nikki,
You wrote on another thread....
"I've really hated Nikki this week. I'm glad you didn't start hating her, too. Your support, and that of the others, has been more help than I can describe. You even showed up at the other board. Bold, loving move!"
Hate you......Why would you even think that. Hate is a rotten word, I don't use it unless it's like... I hate PEAS! I hate WORK! I hate my FAT A&&. But hate you..... Nope, nada... Do I get frustrated with you???? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!
Support is what this board is all about. Giving someone hope, faith, something to cling to for a few minutes until they can grasp it themselves. This board has all of that and more. It has unconditional love, acceptance, nurturing, group effort and adult discussion. We also have patience. Even at times when I feel that mine are running out, someone comes along, says something, and I refuel.
I'm not sure if the others feel the same as I do, but I have never felt so safe, as I do when I post on this board. I am free from judgment, harassment,and I can verbalize what I truly feel. So take advantage of these things, and pour your heart and soul out, and never feel that any of us will hate you...
Love you bunches.....:) :)
Sid
You wrote on another thread....
"I've really hated Nikki this week. I'm glad you didn't start hating her, too. Your support, and that of the others, has been more help than I can describe. You even showed up at the other board. Bold, loving move!"
Hate you......Why would you even think that. Hate is a rotten word, I don't use it unless it's like... I hate PEAS! I hate WORK! I hate my FAT A&&. But hate you..... Nope, nada... Do I get frustrated with you???? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!
Support is what this board is all about. Giving someone hope, faith, something to cling to for a few minutes until they can grasp it themselves. This board has all of that and more. It has unconditional love, acceptance, nurturing, group effort and adult discussion. We also have patience. Even at times when I feel that mine are running out, someone comes along, says something, and I refuel.
I'm not sure if the others feel the same as I do, but I have never felt so safe, as I do when I post on this board. I am free from judgment, harassment,and I can verbalize what I truly feel. So take advantage of these things, and pour your heart and soul out, and never feel that any of us will hate you...
Love you bunches.....:) :)
Sid
Sponsor
hergy
02-02-2007, 08:50 PM
Perfect timing, Sid. I needed that right now. Sometimes I overheat on a board with the crap that starts spinning in my own head. I type a reply with madness, then erase the whole thing because I know I'm in some other world. Seeing this thread is like having a cool glass of water...thrown appropriately in my face.:)
I didn't intend to imply that you would hate. I've just been consumed with it this week. It's refreshing to be comforted by people who don't 'see' the person I do right now.
I look forward to your posts, your wisdom and your openness. You're full of character, depth, humor, love, empathy and kindness.
Thank you for being ok and sharing on this board. I'm always glad to see your username.
Love you,
Nikki
I didn't intend to imply that you would hate. I've just been consumed with it this week. It's refreshing to be comforted by people who don't 'see' the person I do right now.
I look forward to your posts, your wisdom and your openness. You're full of character, depth, humor, love, empathy and kindness.
Thank you for being ok and sharing on this board. I'm always glad to see your username.
Love you,
Nikki
stick2013
02-02-2007, 09:06 PM
Nikki,
Now that you opened up today with your therapist are you on the down slide???? It happens. you will have a day where you will pour your heart out, be excited, go home and think OMG!!!!! WHY DID I SAY THOSE THINGS!!!! Then the world starts to spin out of control... It's ok......It happens.... It's part of the process. 1 step forward, 2 steps back for awhile.... Then one day you will notice that you took 2 steps forward and only 1 back. It takes time Nikki, to heal. It took you 20 some years to get here....It will take time to reverse the damage. Be patient with yourself, try and have some understanding of your healing, and most of all accept yourself for the person that you WANT TO BE.... Not the person that is full of hatred and anger, and slashes herself. But for the person that you are capable of being. One full of life, love, and happiness....
So are you having that let down that I think you are having???
Let's talk...
Now that you opened up today with your therapist are you on the down slide???? It happens. you will have a day where you will pour your heart out, be excited, go home and think OMG!!!!! WHY DID I SAY THOSE THINGS!!!! Then the world starts to spin out of control... It's ok......It happens.... It's part of the process. 1 step forward, 2 steps back for awhile.... Then one day you will notice that you took 2 steps forward and only 1 back. It takes time Nikki, to heal. It took you 20 some years to get here....It will take time to reverse the damage. Be patient with yourself, try and have some understanding of your healing, and most of all accept yourself for the person that you WANT TO BE.... Not the person that is full of hatred and anger, and slashes herself. But for the person that you are capable of being. One full of life, love, and happiness....
So are you having that let down that I think you are having???
Let's talk...
hergy
02-03-2007, 12:12 AM
So are you having that let down that I think you are having?
Yeah. When it rains, it pours. It seems that EVERYTHING is being added to my all-you-can-eat trauma buffet.
The Sunday thing, the SI, the oncology visit, then I wacked out on the OCD site. All this week. My buttons are red and itching to be pushed.
I'm already doubting again, telling myself that I'm overreacting to the incidents in 1976. I really want the complete story. It's my history. I don't like it hiding from me. The whole story isn't necessary for healing, but it's mine. No matter what others say about the importance of moving forward, I feel like I need to know more.
My therapist and psychiatrist worry about my impulsive episodes connected with the bipolar issues. Things like this are classic triggers. When I'm impulsive, I use bad judgement. That could mean I'm going to wack out and run around outside naked or kill myself. Either way, despite my primary concerns, their first concern is my physical welfare.
I almost got detained in the therapist's office today. That's what they do before you get committed. If you leave, they call the po-po.
My parents keep a close eye on me. I don't like it, but it's better than a hospital. And it's enough to convince my doctors that I'm not ever alone.
I know I did well today. I even said a couple of my 'forbidden' words. But I doubt myself and regret I ever opened my mouth. I feel pretty lost.
You are awesome company. You're an enormous support. Thank you so much for caring.
Love,
Nikki
Yeah. When it rains, it pours. It seems that EVERYTHING is being added to my all-you-can-eat trauma buffet.
The Sunday thing, the SI, the oncology visit, then I wacked out on the OCD site. All this week. My buttons are red and itching to be pushed.
I'm already doubting again, telling myself that I'm overreacting to the incidents in 1976. I really want the complete story. It's my history. I don't like it hiding from me. The whole story isn't necessary for healing, but it's mine. No matter what others say about the importance of moving forward, I feel like I need to know more.
My therapist and psychiatrist worry about my impulsive episodes connected with the bipolar issues. Things like this are classic triggers. When I'm impulsive, I use bad judgement. That could mean I'm going to wack out and run around outside naked or kill myself. Either way, despite my primary concerns, their first concern is my physical welfare.
I almost got detained in the therapist's office today. That's what they do before you get committed. If you leave, they call the po-po.
My parents keep a close eye on me. I don't like it, but it's better than a hospital. And it's enough to convince my doctors that I'm not ever alone.
I know I did well today. I even said a couple of my 'forbidden' words. But I doubt myself and regret I ever opened my mouth. I feel pretty lost.
You are awesome company. You're an enormous support. Thank you so much for caring.
Love,
Nikki
stick2013
02-03-2007, 09:06 AM
Nikki,
Those impulsive episodes that you are talking about.....I'm not sure if it goes along with PTSD but I HEAR you. I was impulsive too. Especially in the throws of my PTSD years...I always thought that my impulsive nature was do to the fear involving PTSD. Never really feeling like I was in control. My world was so out of control. Running from my problems made me more impulsive. But I just couldn't find the strength to not run.
Things have gotten so much better now that I have the BEAST of PTSD under control. Things like trying to stay grounded in the here and now help.
I know that you want to know everything.....But WHY??? Isn't it enough to know that you were raped at the age of 4. Isn't it enough???? Or is it just another way of torturing yourself????? I have flashbacks that I only get snippets of images, pieces of things, and places.... It's enough for me, I don't want to know more. What I do remember was bad enough, I don't need to add to the pile of crap....
How would you benefit from knowing????? How would knowing more contribute to your road to recovery???? Answers these questions, and we can talk more....
Love you bunches.....
Sid
Those impulsive episodes that you are talking about.....I'm not sure if it goes along with PTSD but I HEAR you. I was impulsive too. Especially in the throws of my PTSD years...I always thought that my impulsive nature was do to the fear involving PTSD. Never really feeling like I was in control. My world was so out of control. Running from my problems made me more impulsive. But I just couldn't find the strength to not run.
Things have gotten so much better now that I have the BEAST of PTSD under control. Things like trying to stay grounded in the here and now help.
I know that you want to know everything.....But WHY??? Isn't it enough to know that you were raped at the age of 4. Isn't it enough???? Or is it just another way of torturing yourself????? I have flashbacks that I only get snippets of images, pieces of things, and places.... It's enough for me, I don't want to know more. What I do remember was bad enough, I don't need to add to the pile of crap....
How would you benefit from knowing????? How would knowing more contribute to your road to recovery???? Answers these questions, and we can talk more....
Love you bunches.....
Sid
hergy
02-03-2007, 12:17 PM
I know that you want to know everything.....But WHY??? Isn't it enough to know that you were raped at the age of 4. Isn't it enough????
How would you benefit from knowing????? How would knowing more contribute to your road to recovery????
I too get snippets and pieces. It's not enough because I still find it hard to believe that an 11 or 12 year old can have sex or commit rape. Isn't that too young? My denial isn't about the abuse. I fall back on the thought that rape was impossible. While it's possible that they used other things instead, I CAN'T REMEMBER. My freaky 'friend' raped her brother when she was 11 and he was 2. I never understood that one either. Then, there's the nightmare where something is entering me, causing excruciating pain, and resulting in a bloody discharge. Where'd that come from? I don't know for sure. Maybe it's my mind equating some other kind of violation with rape. I don't want it to be rape. But if it is, I want to know for sure.
I can't deny the things I see. For those things, I'm still ashamed for participating. The picture in my head of my own four-year-old body exposes me to a position revealing a view a kid never sees. And it wasn't for me to see, I was making sure someone else could. I looked at myself and I looked at the sky. Now, I wish I had been taking notes.
I want someone to look at my symptoms and tell me what happened. At times I've even wished I would be raped now because I'd at least be sure it happened and all these feelings would make sense. That doesn't feel as sick as it sounds. Once the first trauma takes you, the other stuff is an extension of the first. I'm damaged goods. It doesn't matter what happens now.
Am I crazy for thinking this stuff? I'm not trying to avoid progress and healing. I can't escape my head and the cynical things that spin eternally, confusing and stabbing me.
Love,
Nikki
How would you benefit from knowing????? How would knowing more contribute to your road to recovery????
I too get snippets and pieces. It's not enough because I still find it hard to believe that an 11 or 12 year old can have sex or commit rape. Isn't that too young? My denial isn't about the abuse. I fall back on the thought that rape was impossible. While it's possible that they used other things instead, I CAN'T REMEMBER. My freaky 'friend' raped her brother when she was 11 and he was 2. I never understood that one either. Then, there's the nightmare where something is entering me, causing excruciating pain, and resulting in a bloody discharge. Where'd that come from? I don't know for sure. Maybe it's my mind equating some other kind of violation with rape. I don't want it to be rape. But if it is, I want to know for sure.
I can't deny the things I see. For those things, I'm still ashamed for participating. The picture in my head of my own four-year-old body exposes me to a position revealing a view a kid never sees. And it wasn't for me to see, I was making sure someone else could. I looked at myself and I looked at the sky. Now, I wish I had been taking notes.
I want someone to look at my symptoms and tell me what happened. At times I've even wished I would be raped now because I'd at least be sure it happened and all these feelings would make sense. That doesn't feel as sick as it sounds. Once the first trauma takes you, the other stuff is an extension of the first. I'm damaged goods. It doesn't matter what happens now.
Am I crazy for thinking this stuff? I'm not trying to avoid progress and healing. I can't escape my head and the cynical things that spin eternally, confusing and stabbing me.
Love,
Nikki
ICC
02-04-2007, 09:14 AM
Ok Nikki---I will try. first of all you are not crazy for any of your thoughts. You are right, once the first trauma takes you we are open for many more to hit us. and when your mind starts to open sometimes we let it flood out and boy is that scary. other times we only allow dribs and drabs to come to the surface. I have also dwelled on certain very ugly situations I have been in because I couldn't believe they really happened so would think and think constantly and stay in one place until I couldn't stand it anymore. It all has to do with how you want to handle these traumas. I am beaten from mine. from remembering , from holding them in and then letting them out. I don't care anymore for the mere fact that "I DID NOTHING WRONG" It wasn't my idea or plan to have people abuse me and knowing no better I stuck around. It wasn't your ideas to be raped at 4 and yes I do believe that children can be sexual enough and have enough feelings and interest to commit rape at a young age. I also believe that children can be so dysfunctional that they don't live or think the way a normal child should. Nikki i think you are in the throws of being a wonderful woman who wuld like an intimate relationship with a loving man but i feel your childhood prevents this and you are confusing the two. You are not 4, not asking to have sex. You are a muture woman needing love and intimacy in your life. 10000000000% different but I do think your childhood traumas are preventing you and making you hold back thinking IF you get involved with someone it is wrong in someway. It isn't. I don't know if i'm on target but it's just my opinions I 've thrown out here.
Love you,
Grasshopper
Love you,
Grasshopper
Sannah
02-04-2007, 10:26 AM
Hi Nikki, I thought about those boys too and why they would rape a four year old. My belief is that they were sexually abused possibly. At the very least they were not taught about respecting other human beings. I know that people who have not dealt with their own sexual abuse (like your mother) keep coming into contact with sexual perpetrators for some reason.
stick2013
02-04-2007, 10:44 AM
Dearest Nikki,
I will always go back to saying this to you......You have been raped, and abused, so why do you continue to inflict pain on yourself. Haven't you had enough????? When people ask me why, when they are in a very painful situation and they don't get out......I just look at them and say, " Well apparently you haven't had enough S*** yet, and when you do, you will get out." So I will ask you, " How much S*** is enough for you Nikki, when will you stop it?"
We ALL have the ability to have a better life, free from hurt, pain, abuse, dysfunction. It's a choice that we make, either to stay in the CRAP, or get out of it..... You can choose to get out, by not wondering so much about the "Whys" of what happened, and focus more on getting better. It doesn't matter WHY those boys decided to rape you, they did. Let it go Nikki, it happened it was awful, it should never of happened, but it did. You can't change that fact, so you need to move on, be healthy, and have a fulfilling life..... When I was in the nut ward, there was a board on the wall that patients could post things. The one that i will always remember said this....
TO ASK WHY, IS TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR MORE ABUSE........... Think about that for awhile. We will talk more.
I love you,
Hugs,
Sid
I will always go back to saying this to you......You have been raped, and abused, so why do you continue to inflict pain on yourself. Haven't you had enough????? When people ask me why, when they are in a very painful situation and they don't get out......I just look at them and say, " Well apparently you haven't had enough S*** yet, and when you do, you will get out." So I will ask you, " How much S*** is enough for you Nikki, when will you stop it?"
We ALL have the ability to have a better life, free from hurt, pain, abuse, dysfunction. It's a choice that we make, either to stay in the CRAP, or get out of it..... You can choose to get out, by not wondering so much about the "Whys" of what happened, and focus more on getting better. It doesn't matter WHY those boys decided to rape you, they did. Let it go Nikki, it happened it was awful, it should never of happened, but it did. You can't change that fact, so you need to move on, be healthy, and have a fulfilling life..... When I was in the nut ward, there was a board on the wall that patients could post things. The one that i will always remember said this....
TO ASK WHY, IS TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR MORE ABUSE........... Think about that for awhile. We will talk more.
I love you,
Hugs,
Sid
hergy
02-04-2007, 04:06 PM
It wasn't your ideas to be raped at 4 and yes I do believe that children can be sexual enough and have enough feelings and interest to commit rape at a young age. I also believe that children can be so dysfunctional that they don't live or think the way a normal child should.....I do think your childhood traumas are preventing you and making you hold back thinking IF you get involved with someone it is wrong in someway. It isn't. I don't know if i'm on target but it's just my opinions I 've thrown out here.
ICC, you're awesome and very intuitive. I realize on some level that I'm scraping and clawing at the movie screen that's showing me what happened. I'm desperate to make it not true.
It's very interesting to me that you brought up the relationship thing. I never talk about that. When I'm not in the throws of a mental breakdown, I'm very content with my life and the things and people I enjoy. But, every aspect of a relationship is off-limits for me and that makes me angry. Even if I chose not to get involved with anyone, I'd like to think it would be my choice, not my only option.
As when I was a child, I hate men. I don't want to touch them and I don't want them to touch me. I like to look at them, but nothing they do turns me on. I also have an overwhelming feeling that they are not interested in pleasing me and couldn't if they tried. In my mind, sex is dirty and violent. It's an iceberg when it plows through my head. I don't want to be strange, but my sexual fantasies are violent and, oddly enough, they don't involve sex. They often don't even include me.
I don't bond emotionally to men. I rarely form emotional bonds at all. I've never even wanted a boyfriend or dreamed of marriage. But I still want to know that I could if I wanted to.
Thanks for opening the way for me to get that out. You're sharp.
Love and hugs,
Nikki
ICC, you're awesome and very intuitive. I realize on some level that I'm scraping and clawing at the movie screen that's showing me what happened. I'm desperate to make it not true.
It's very interesting to me that you brought up the relationship thing. I never talk about that. When I'm not in the throws of a mental breakdown, I'm very content with my life and the things and people I enjoy. But, every aspect of a relationship is off-limits for me and that makes me angry. Even if I chose not to get involved with anyone, I'd like to think it would be my choice, not my only option.
As when I was a child, I hate men. I don't want to touch them and I don't want them to touch me. I like to look at them, but nothing they do turns me on. I also have an overwhelming feeling that they are not interested in pleasing me and couldn't if they tried. In my mind, sex is dirty and violent. It's an iceberg when it plows through my head. I don't want to be strange, but my sexual fantasies are violent and, oddly enough, they don't involve sex. They often don't even include me.
I don't bond emotionally to men. I rarely form emotional bonds at all. I've never even wanted a boyfriend or dreamed of marriage. But I still want to know that I could if I wanted to.
Thanks for opening the way for me to get that out. You're sharp.
Love and hugs,
Nikki
hergy
02-04-2007, 04:14 PM
I thought about those boys too...My belief is that they were sexually abused....I know that people who have not dealt with their own sexual abuse (like your mother) keep coming into contact with sexual perpetrators for some reason.
You are very wise. Very wise. You're right about my mom. Those kids were messed up by somebody well before I came to visit.
Thanks for giving this so much thought. You've given me something to think about I never really gave much consideration.
Love,
Nikki
You are very wise. Very wise. You're right about my mom. Those kids were messed up by somebody well before I came to visit.
Thanks for giving this so much thought. You've given me something to think about I never really gave much consideration.
Love,
Nikki
ICC
02-04-2007, 04:20 PM
so are you sweetheart. I think I needed you to tell me somemore. I am so sorry that those choices were taken away from you. It is so unfair to have such a big part of life taken away. and at such a young age. amazing how different our lives are and yet how alike we think at times. I understand your hatred of men and am just sorry this was forced on you and not your own choice to make. As long as you have no interest and are not lonely it makes it easier to except. I have always bonded well with men and gotten along better with them than women. But of course my Dad raised me. I like men because they aren't usually BS artists and will tell you like it is without the fluff involved. Have a hard time forming relationships with women as I don't trust most, compliments of my mother. I have had some close relationships with women, only a few but my best friend is a man. Whatever you do, whatever choices you make in life I am beside you as long as they are not destructive. then I may need Sid's bat, or I guess as we've discussed a little I can beat without one.
Love you,
Grasshopper xo
Love you,
Grasshopper xo
hergy
02-04-2007, 04:31 PM
...why do you continue to inflict pain on yourself. Haven't you had enough?????....Let it go Nikki, it happened it was awful, it should never of happened, but it did. You can't change that fact....
TO ASK WHY, IS TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR MORE ABUSE........... Think about that for awhile.
I'm getting my butt kicked again.:)
I know you probably think I'm an idiot for hanging on to this crap, but I have another reason for doing it. I rarely discuss my mental illnesses (OCD and Bipolar I) because I'm ashamed. They make me feel stupid and weak and I don't like to be belittled or judged based on something I can't control. It doesn't matter how smart I am, how many news stories and features I write, how many drawings or photos I sell, or how many accounts I win for a publisher with my designs, I'll still have my crazy butt thrown in a hospital if I get off my meds or if my meds don't work quite right.
That being said, one of my obsessions is that I'm lying all the time. It's like I can't remember I really am loved, that I did do a good job, etc. If someone had snapped a photo of one of the boys on top of me, I'd still think I was lying about what happened.
Asking why IS messing me up. But the question spins like a tornado in my head. Only in my nightmares do I recognize the truth. Awake, it's like I fall back into the dummy pit.
I love you, Sid!
Nikki
TO ASK WHY, IS TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR MORE ABUSE........... Think about that for awhile.
I'm getting my butt kicked again.:)
I know you probably think I'm an idiot for hanging on to this crap, but I have another reason for doing it. I rarely discuss my mental illnesses (OCD and Bipolar I) because I'm ashamed. They make me feel stupid and weak and I don't like to be belittled or judged based on something I can't control. It doesn't matter how smart I am, how many news stories and features I write, how many drawings or photos I sell, or how many accounts I win for a publisher with my designs, I'll still have my crazy butt thrown in a hospital if I get off my meds or if my meds don't work quite right.
That being said, one of my obsessions is that I'm lying all the time. It's like I can't remember I really am loved, that I did do a good job, etc. If someone had snapped a photo of one of the boys on top of me, I'd still think I was lying about what happened.
Asking why IS messing me up. But the question spins like a tornado in my head. Only in my nightmares do I recognize the truth. Awake, it's like I fall back into the dummy pit.
I love you, Sid!
Nikki
stick2013
02-04-2007, 04:41 PM
Nikki,
I am confused.....Are you saying that with the OCD that you "Think" that no one loves you???? So you obsess over that thought?????? With the rape(OCD thought pattern) that you "Think you are lying??????
Have you ever masturbated and had penetration?????? I am going there because you are having an OBGYN appointment on the 19th, and the Dr will know if you are a virgin, or not. That way you would know, and hopefully solve your thought patterns.....
Or am I just really confused????
Hugs,
Sid
I am confused.....Are you saying that with the OCD that you "Think" that no one loves you???? So you obsess over that thought?????? With the rape(OCD thought pattern) that you "Think you are lying??????
Have you ever masturbated and had penetration?????? I am going there because you are having an OBGYN appointment on the 19th, and the Dr will know if you are a virgin, or not. That way you would know, and hopefully solve your thought patterns.....
Or am I just really confused????
Hugs,
Sid
hergy
02-04-2007, 04:59 PM
I am so sorry that those choices were taken away from you. It is so unfair to have such a big part of life taken away....I understand your hatred of men and am just sorry this was forced on you and not your own choice to make. As long as you have no interest and are not lonely it makes it easier to except.
I don't have an interest and am not lonely. I don't know what I'm missing, or if I'm missing at all. I built a special world to adjust a long time ago. But the 'normal' people make me feel so wrong that I've often wanted to 'check out' simply because I don't belong. Where's my group? The ones like me? God created man and woman to desire each other's companionship. I know that I don't fit in. When I see a sunset, I do want to share it with someone special. But I can't get close enough to a man for him to become special.
I don't trust men OR women. But I finally have a friend I trust. She's a loyal, loving blessing. She's the only friend who's never used me. I'm grateful for a relationship, though platonic, in which I can emotionally connect.
For 30 years I've been normal on the outside, but a freak on the inside. I looked like the other girls, but their conversations made me cringe.
Thanks for being here, ICC.
Love,
Nikki
I don't have an interest and am not lonely. I don't know what I'm missing, or if I'm missing at all. I built a special world to adjust a long time ago. But the 'normal' people make me feel so wrong that I've often wanted to 'check out' simply because I don't belong. Where's my group? The ones like me? God created man and woman to desire each other's companionship. I know that I don't fit in. When I see a sunset, I do want to share it with someone special. But I can't get close enough to a man for him to become special.
I don't trust men OR women. But I finally have a friend I trust. She's a loyal, loving blessing. She's the only friend who's never used me. I'm grateful for a relationship, though platonic, in which I can emotionally connect.
For 30 years I've been normal on the outside, but a freak on the inside. I looked like the other girls, but their conversations made me cringe.
Thanks for being here, ICC.
Love,
Nikki
hergy
02-04-2007, 05:09 PM
Or am I just really confused????
I don't know if you are, but I definitely am.
My OCD problems are plain as day and listed in any medical book: the need to confess, fear that I'm lying, fear that I'm going to cause someone's death, etc.
I THINK irrational thoughts, even ones I KNOW are not reasonable. But I can't run from my own head. For example: If one side of my head says, "I love red," the other side says, "You're lying." I know I love red. But I fear discussing the matter because my brain is telling me I'm lying.
Nope. No penetration since 4. Yes, masturbation, but never penetration. I can't even go there myself. That's a big turnoff. And since the flashbacks started, I can't even wear tampons. If I force one in, I get that vaginal cave-in and I think I'm going to rip the string off because I can't get the stupid thing out.
Did that make sense? I don't think I'm sure I know what you were asking.
Nikki
I don't know if you are, but I definitely am.
My OCD problems are plain as day and listed in any medical book: the need to confess, fear that I'm lying, fear that I'm going to cause someone's death, etc.
I THINK irrational thoughts, even ones I KNOW are not reasonable. But I can't run from my own head. For example: If one side of my head says, "I love red," the other side says, "You're lying." I know I love red. But I fear discussing the matter because my brain is telling me I'm lying.
Nope. No penetration since 4. Yes, masturbation, but never penetration. I can't even go there myself. That's a big turnoff. And since the flashbacks started, I can't even wear tampons. If I force one in, I get that vaginal cave-in and I think I'm going to rip the string off because I can't get the stupid thing out.
Did that make sense? I don't think I'm sure I know what you were asking.
Nikki
stick2013
02-04-2007, 05:13 PM
Dear Nikki,
OMG I am so confused..... But I think I understand what you are trying to say:dizzy: When you go to your OBGYN appointment on the 19th. ASK the Dr if your Hymen is intact or not. If it isn't then won't that confirm that you were indeed raped, therefore settle down your thought pattern????????
You can be a virgin and still wear Tampax....They won't break the hymen.
Sid
OMG I am so confused..... But I think I understand what you are trying to say:dizzy: When you go to your OBGYN appointment on the 19th. ASK the Dr if your Hymen is intact or not. If it isn't then won't that confirm that you were indeed raped, therefore settle down your thought pattern????????
You can be a virgin and still wear Tampax....They won't break the hymen.
Sid
hergy
02-04-2007, 05:29 PM
ASK the Dr if your Hymen is intact or not. If it isn't then won't that confirm that you were indeed raped, therefore settle down your thought pattern?
I'd like to think it would, but so many counter-arguments take place in my head, that nothing ever convinces me. Plus, the hymen sometimes breaks before a girl is 20 anyway through athletic activity or other non-sexual behavior. The event usually goes unnoticed by the girl unless there is pain and/or bleeding, which isn't always the case. And if nothing happened from 4 to 35, would there be evidence of what happened when I was 4 anyway?
I can't always depend on science or physics to make me know something's true if my crazybox head is screwed up. Checking my curling iron more than 20 times never made me sure it was off.
My round and round OCD crap can be exhausting for someone who's trying their best to convince me I'm not lying. I've annoyed many loved ones by constantly requesting reassurance.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. I don't think there's an answer for this one. I'm going to have to find a mental way to deal with this. This isn't the first nor the last time I fight with OCD.
I love you!
Nikki
I'd like to think it would, but so many counter-arguments take place in my head, that nothing ever convinces me. Plus, the hymen sometimes breaks before a girl is 20 anyway through athletic activity or other non-sexual behavior. The event usually goes unnoticed by the girl unless there is pain and/or bleeding, which isn't always the case. And if nothing happened from 4 to 35, would there be evidence of what happened when I was 4 anyway?
I can't always depend on science or physics to make me know something's true if my crazybox head is screwed up. Checking my curling iron more than 20 times never made me sure it was off.
My round and round OCD crap can be exhausting for someone who's trying their best to convince me I'm not lying. I've annoyed many loved ones by constantly requesting reassurance.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. I don't think there's an answer for this one. I'm going to have to find a mental way to deal with this. This isn't the first nor the last time I fight with OCD.
I love you!
Nikki
stick2013
02-04-2007, 05:39 PM
Dear Nikki,
It's ok, I have patience.... I can understand what ever you throw at me, and we can try to work this out....
I moved into this apartment, and my new landlord told me that the lady next door(she is the only other tenant in building) is a wonderful lady, just a little obsessed with sweeping the sidewalk....RED FLAGS WENT UP!!!!!!!! I asked my land lord HOW CRAZY is she??? No really just obsessed with sweeping the sidewalk.... OK!! RIGHT!!!! WHATEVER!!!!! Turns out the little old lady is Paranoid delusional Schizophrenic with auditory and visual hallucinations, and she has OCD BIG TIME!!!! Under NO supervision, and NO Meds...This woman is in her 70's. I did have her arrested one morning at 5:30 am because she was sweeping the hallway....FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME!!!!!!
Anyway I have patience....... I'm not to sure about the breaking of the hymen through sports, but talk to the Dr will you please??????
Hugs,
Sid
It's ok, I have patience.... I can understand what ever you throw at me, and we can try to work this out....
I moved into this apartment, and my new landlord told me that the lady next door(she is the only other tenant in building) is a wonderful lady, just a little obsessed with sweeping the sidewalk....RED FLAGS WENT UP!!!!!!!! I asked my land lord HOW CRAZY is she??? No really just obsessed with sweeping the sidewalk.... OK!! RIGHT!!!! WHATEVER!!!!! Turns out the little old lady is Paranoid delusional Schizophrenic with auditory and visual hallucinations, and she has OCD BIG TIME!!!! Under NO supervision, and NO Meds...This woman is in her 70's. I did have her arrested one morning at 5:30 am because she was sweeping the hallway....FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME!!!!!!
Anyway I have patience....... I'm not to sure about the breaking of the hymen through sports, but talk to the Dr will you please??????
Hugs,
Sid
ICC
02-04-2007, 05:49 PM
Nikki------ My daughter has OCD. Not debilitating but enough to slow her up a bit at times. I will not compare it to yours. You and Sid are doing great today. Please do one thing for me? I only ask one for now. DON'T CALL YOURSELF A FREAK ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ONE! OK? thanks sweetheart. I've wanted to ask you to do that for me for a long time.
Hugs,
Grasshoppers
Hugs,
Grasshoppers
finegane
02-04-2007, 05:58 PM
I am so impressed with the tight-knit community here. I only hope that I can be a part of it too....
stick2013
02-04-2007, 05:58 PM
Nikki,
ICC is absolutely correct with that last statement.... YOU ARE NOT A FREAK!!!!!! And your head is not a "CRAZY BOX" If you continue to call yourself names, and put yourself down.... You only reinforce it into your behavior..... CHANGE the thought patterns to GOOD thoughts about yourself.......
Love you,
Sid
ps.... One of my grandson's (the love of my life) Mikey....he is an Aspie(aspergers syndrome) he also has a zillion other things wrong, and OCD...... So I do have patience.......
ICC is absolutely correct with that last statement.... YOU ARE NOT A FREAK!!!!!! And your head is not a "CRAZY BOX" If you continue to call yourself names, and put yourself down.... You only reinforce it into your behavior..... CHANGE the thought patterns to GOOD thoughts about yourself.......
Love you,
Sid
ps.... One of my grandson's (the love of my life) Mikey....he is an Aspie(aspergers syndrome) he also has a zillion other things wrong, and OCD...... So I do have patience.......
hergy
02-04-2007, 06:06 PM
It's ok, I have patience.... I can understand what ever you throw at me, and we can try to work this out...
Sorry about the 'special' neighbor.:dizzy: I would pull my hair out if I had a neighbor like that. I really don't have room to talk, but I do know such behaviors can become intolerable. NO MEDS?! Eeeeeeek!:eek:
You so rock! My OCD quirks are among the most annoying aspects of my mental troubles to other people. I try to keep them to myself and sometimes work up the courage to speak to my therapist or psychiatrist.
My million private compulsions and obsessive thoughts just bother me. Shower rituals inconvenience me, masturbating more than 40 times an evening disturbs me.
Depending on the reassurance of others to make my memories true is dizzying and frustrating. But I realize it's incredibly annoying to others, as well.
I feel like when I'm told to 'let it go,' I should 'let it go.' I want to. I really do. I've never been a liar. So I HATE the compulsion to cancel myself out.
Thanks for sticking with me. You truly are a patient soul. And, :eek: you remembered the date of my gyn exam! You're so cool!:cool:
I love you!
Nikki
Sorry about the 'special' neighbor.:dizzy: I would pull my hair out if I had a neighbor like that. I really don't have room to talk, but I do know such behaviors can become intolerable. NO MEDS?! Eeeeeeek!:eek:
You so rock! My OCD quirks are among the most annoying aspects of my mental troubles to other people. I try to keep them to myself and sometimes work up the courage to speak to my therapist or psychiatrist.
My million private compulsions and obsessive thoughts just bother me. Shower rituals inconvenience me, masturbating more than 40 times an evening disturbs me.
Depending on the reassurance of others to make my memories true is dizzying and frustrating. But I realize it's incredibly annoying to others, as well.
I feel like when I'm told to 'let it go,' I should 'let it go.' I want to. I really do. I've never been a liar. So I HATE the compulsion to cancel myself out.
Thanks for sticking with me. You truly are a patient soul. And, :eek: you remembered the date of my gyn exam! You're so cool!:cool:
I love you!
Nikki
hergy
02-04-2007, 06:09 PM
Nikki------ My daughter has OCD. Not debilitating but enough to slow her up a bit at times. I will not compare it to yours. You and Sid are doing great today. Please do one thing for me? I only ask one for now. DON'T CALL YOURSELF A FREAK ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ONE! OK? thanks sweetheart. I've wanted to ask you to do that for me for a long time.
Wow. I didn't know. Jump in any time. I always welcome your take.
I'll try to remember the anti-freak thing. You're a super cyber mom!
Love,
Nikki
Wow. I didn't know. Jump in any time. I always welcome your take.
I'll try to remember the anti-freak thing. You're a super cyber mom!
Love,
Nikki
hergy
02-04-2007, 06:10 PM
I am so impressed with the tight-knit community here. I only hope that I can be a part of it too....
Come on in!:wave:
Love,
Nikki
Come on in!:wave:
Love,
Nikki
hergy
02-04-2007, 06:18 PM
If you continue to call yourself names, and put yourself down.... You only reinforce it into your behavior..... CHANGE the thought patterns to GOOD thoughts about yourself.....
...One of my grandson's (the love of my life) Mikey....he is an Aspie(aspergers syndrome) he also has a zillion other things wrong, and OCD...... So I do have patience...
Good advice. I'm still thinking about the 'reinforce it into your behavior.' That's very true. Changing my thought patterns would DEFINITELY help me all around.
I already believed you have patience. I didn't know about your grandson. Such issues are very challenging to manage.
I love you and send hugs!
Nikki
...One of my grandson's (the love of my life) Mikey....he is an Aspie(aspergers syndrome) he also has a zillion other things wrong, and OCD...... So I do have patience...
Good advice. I'm still thinking about the 'reinforce it into your behavior.' That's very true. Changing my thought patterns would DEFINITELY help me all around.
I already believed you have patience. I didn't know about your grandson. Such issues are very challenging to manage.
I love you and send hugs!
Nikki
stick2013
02-04-2007, 06:20 PM
Nikki,
"Special Neighbor".....OMG!!!!! She has come after me twice while trying to leave my apartment, She used to sweep the hallway, sidewalk, and BUSHES outside at least 15 times a day. She wears Shorts, and bobby socks, 24/7/52 yes even in the dead of winter.......She rearranges the garbage on garbage day at least 5 times before pick up at 8 am. She runs the Vacuum at least 3 times a day to clean her apartment. We live on the second floor and she has the roof of the first floor under her bedroom window. She washes the roof with a pan of water for hours and hours............ There is more but you get the picture.....
So yes I have patience.....I love you and will be here for you when you need me... Try and reverse the thought patterns.....Thinking good thoughts instead of bad ones......
Big squishy hugs,
Sid
"Special Neighbor".....OMG!!!!! She has come after me twice while trying to leave my apartment, She used to sweep the hallway, sidewalk, and BUSHES outside at least 15 times a day. She wears Shorts, and bobby socks, 24/7/52 yes even in the dead of winter.......She rearranges the garbage on garbage day at least 5 times before pick up at 8 am. She runs the Vacuum at least 3 times a day to clean her apartment. We live on the second floor and she has the roof of the first floor under her bedroom window. She washes the roof with a pan of water for hours and hours............ There is more but you get the picture.....
So yes I have patience.....I love you and will be here for you when you need me... Try and reverse the thought patterns.....Thinking good thoughts instead of bad ones......
Big squishy hugs,
Sid
hergy
02-04-2007, 06:28 PM
She has come after me twice while trying to leave my apartment, She used to sweep the hallway, sidewalk, and BUSHES outside at least 15 times a day. She wears Shorts, and bobby socks, 24/7/52 yes even in the dead of winter.......She rearranges the garbage on garbage day at least 5 times before pick up at 8 am. She runs the Vacuum at least 3 times a day to clean her apartment. We live on the second floor and she has the roof of the first floor under her bedroom window. She washes the roof with a pan of water for hours and hours
I'm sorry, but I did laugh as I read about the perils of living near the special neighbor.:p
I know it's annoying, but it makes for interesting conversation. I've got some hilarious stories about my time spent in mental hospitals. I've got some horror stories, too, but some things are just funny.
Thanks for the love and patience! I'm loving my squishy hug.:wave:
Nikki
I'm sorry, but I did laugh as I read about the perils of living near the special neighbor.:p
I know it's annoying, but it makes for interesting conversation. I've got some hilarious stories about my time spent in mental hospitals. I've got some horror stories, too, but some things are just funny.
Thanks for the love and patience! I'm loving my squishy hug.:wave:
Nikki
stick2013
02-04-2007, 06:36 PM
Nikki,
It's been FUN......Living next door to her......NOT!!!! She has taken my mail, opened it, read it, and then put it back.......Had to have a lock installed on my mail box. It's been amusing at times, and at others quite annoying. But she has been ok lately......
My car broke down today, had to have it towed. I don't have any food except oatmeal and raisins.....None of my friends would come and get me to take me to the store... But i am grateful that my car broke down in a parking lot, and not 5 minutes later, while driving the highway at 55 mph. I lost a tie rod.......
I know that the OCD can even drive you a little batty, because YOU KNOW that your curling iron is OFF, but you just have to check one more time..... Isn't there behavior modification places that deal directly with OCD???? They only let you do things once or twice, and then you have to walk away......I would think that "breaking" the pattern would help the brain to stop the behavior over time.....
let me know...
Big hugs
Sid
It's been FUN......Living next door to her......NOT!!!! She has taken my mail, opened it, read it, and then put it back.......Had to have a lock installed on my mail box. It's been amusing at times, and at others quite annoying. But she has been ok lately......
My car broke down today, had to have it towed. I don't have any food except oatmeal and raisins.....None of my friends would come and get me to take me to the store... But i am grateful that my car broke down in a parking lot, and not 5 minutes later, while driving the highway at 55 mph. I lost a tie rod.......
I know that the OCD can even drive you a little batty, because YOU KNOW that your curling iron is OFF, but you just have to check one more time..... Isn't there behavior modification places that deal directly with OCD???? They only let you do things once or twice, and then you have to walk away......I would think that "breaking" the pattern would help the brain to stop the behavior over time.....
let me know...
Big hugs
Sid
hergy
02-04-2007, 07:06 PM
None of my friends would come and get me to take me to the store... But i am grateful that my car broke down in a parking lot, and not 5 minutes later, while driving the highway at 55 mph.
Isn't there behavior modification places that deal directly with OCD???? They only let you do things once or twice, and then you have to walk away......I would think that "breaking" the pattern would help the brain to stop the behavior over time...
I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE OK. I LOVE YOUR LIFE. And I'd bring you some cheese or something if I could.
My therapist and psychiatrist are basically doing a 'triage' of my mental problems. My breakdown after a flood of childhood trauma memories resulting in two firings, running about in public naked and persistent suicidal ideations is first on their list.
OCD is being treated and addressed but is not currently at the top of the list.
Bipolar disorder is, however, ahead of even my chief concerns. Triggers that send me into an uninhibited mania can be dangerous, so they keep an eye on that one. That's partly why I almost got committed during my therapy appointment Friday. I hate it when that happens.:rolleyes:
My last hospital stay, I roomed with a 70-something year old lady who insisted that she be called Mary Magdalene. She claimed to have four names, none of which were Mary Magdalene.:dizzy:
Love you!
Nikki
Isn't there behavior modification places that deal directly with OCD???? They only let you do things once or twice, and then you have to walk away......I would think that "breaking" the pattern would help the brain to stop the behavior over time...
I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE OK. I LOVE YOUR LIFE. And I'd bring you some cheese or something if I could.
My therapist and psychiatrist are basically doing a 'triage' of my mental problems. My breakdown after a flood of childhood trauma memories resulting in two firings, running about in public naked and persistent suicidal ideations is first on their list.
OCD is being treated and addressed but is not currently at the top of the list.
Bipolar disorder is, however, ahead of even my chief concerns. Triggers that send me into an uninhibited mania can be dangerous, so they keep an eye on that one. That's partly why I almost got committed during my therapy appointment Friday. I hate it when that happens.:rolleyes:
My last hospital stay, I roomed with a 70-something year old lady who insisted that she be called Mary Magdalene. She claimed to have four names, none of which were Mary Magdalene.:dizzy:
Love you!
Nikki
stick2013
02-04-2007, 07:18 PM
Dearest Nikki,
(((My last hospital stay, I roomed with a 70-something year old lady who insisted that she be called Mary Magdalene. She claimed to have four names, none of which were Mary Magdalene. ))) Do ya think that we could get my next door neighbor and her together??????? Might be interesting!!!!!!!!
I would think that between your OCD, PTSD, Bi Polar, SI ........No I can't think, I don't know how you even function on a daily basis without being committed forever...... I would probably run around outside without my clothes too........ WAIT...... As UGLY as my body is, I will rethink that one........
Yet you are so intelligent, so gifted, so talented, you have grace, your compassionate, giving, thoughtful and a truly warm person. Oh, Nikki.....I wish that I could wave my magic wand and give you the life that you deserve......Filled with love, and happiness. And i would throw in a winning lottery ticket worth millions so that you could adopt me, and support me in the manner that I am accustomed to.... Low poverty level, it wouldn't cost you much!!!!!!!!!!
Hon, I need to jump in the tub..... Think about the things that we have talked about, and try to implement some of them... At least try the positive thinking one.........
Love you bunches, and will catch you later on......
Now if only my car won't cost me another $500 to get fixed......UGH!!!!! If I had a gun, I would shoot that sucker right through the radiator.........
Cheese, oatmeal and raisins??????
Hugs,
Sid
(((My last hospital stay, I roomed with a 70-something year old lady who insisted that she be called Mary Magdalene. She claimed to have four names, none of which were Mary Magdalene. ))) Do ya think that we could get my next door neighbor and her together??????? Might be interesting!!!!!!!!
I would think that between your OCD, PTSD, Bi Polar, SI ........No I can't think, I don't know how you even function on a daily basis without being committed forever...... I would probably run around outside without my clothes too........ WAIT...... As UGLY as my body is, I will rethink that one........
Yet you are so intelligent, so gifted, so talented, you have grace, your compassionate, giving, thoughtful and a truly warm person. Oh, Nikki.....I wish that I could wave my magic wand and give you the life that you deserve......Filled with love, and happiness. And i would throw in a winning lottery ticket worth millions so that you could adopt me, and support me in the manner that I am accustomed to.... Low poverty level, it wouldn't cost you much!!!!!!!!!!
Hon, I need to jump in the tub..... Think about the things that we have talked about, and try to implement some of them... At least try the positive thinking one.........
Love you bunches, and will catch you later on......
Now if only my car won't cost me another $500 to get fixed......UGH!!!!! If I had a gun, I would shoot that sucker right through the radiator.........
Cheese, oatmeal and raisins??????
Hugs,
Sid
ICC
02-04-2007, 08:22 PM
Nikki and Sid---- just want the two of you to know I've had a wonderful time reading today and am very grateful you are both safe.
Finegane---Welcome!
Hugs to all,
Grasshopper
Finegane---Welcome!
Hugs to all,
Grasshopper
hergy
02-04-2007, 09:38 PM
Cheese, oatmeal and raisins??
That's a nutritious meal, Sid.:p
I hope you had a peaceful bath. And I sure hope your repairs don't cost too much. Being without a car is the pits.
I'm going to print your last post and keep it near. Those words lift me so much and make me feel very special. You're an awesome friend. You help me and support me so often and with much love.
I love you!
Nikki
THE NUDITY MYSTERY: When I have a manic episode, I don't black out. My head's buzzing, my adrenaline's pumping, my heart's pounding and I use VERY POOR JUDGEMENT, but I remember the incidents, for the most part.:rolleyes: All too often NAKED! just pops in my head. I don't know why (and if any of you guys do, I'd love to know). And why I have to run or walk outside that way, well, I don't know that either.:dizzy:
That's a nutritious meal, Sid.:p
I hope you had a peaceful bath. And I sure hope your repairs don't cost too much. Being without a car is the pits.
I'm going to print your last post and keep it near. Those words lift me so much and make me feel very special. You're an awesome friend. You help me and support me so often and with much love.
I love you!
Nikki
THE NUDITY MYSTERY: When I have a manic episode, I don't black out. My head's buzzing, my adrenaline's pumping, my heart's pounding and I use VERY POOR JUDGEMENT, but I remember the incidents, for the most part.:rolleyes: All too often NAKED! just pops in my head. I don't know why (and if any of you guys do, I'd love to know). And why I have to run or walk outside that way, well, I don't know that either.:dizzy:
hergy
02-04-2007, 09:42 PM
Nikki and Sid---- just want the two of you to know I've had a wonderful time reading today and am very grateful you are both safe.
Thanks, ICC. I hope you're well, too. I always feel more peaceful when the group's ok.:)
Love and hugs and no M&Ms for you,
Nikki
Thanks, ICC. I hope you're well, too. I always feel more peaceful when the group's ok.:)
Love and hugs and no M&Ms for you,
Nikki
stick2013
02-05-2007, 07:12 PM
Nikki,
If it any consolation to you......When I get hot flashes....In my head I can see myself ripping off all of my clothes and running BUTT NAKED down the street.... I have yet to act on those visions.......but one never knows.......
You deserve those words and many many more.....We all do for what we have been through....
Love you too sweetie. Car was $550,00 plus $50.00 for the tow...UGH!!!!!!!!
But at least I am safe, and wasn't in an accident...
Hugs,
Sid
If it any consolation to you......When I get hot flashes....In my head I can see myself ripping off all of my clothes and running BUTT NAKED down the street.... I have yet to act on those visions.......but one never knows.......
You deserve those words and many many more.....We all do for what we have been through....
Love you too sweetie. Car was $550,00 plus $50.00 for the tow...UGH!!!!!!!!
But at least I am safe, and wasn't in an accident...
Hugs,
Sid
hergy
02-05-2007, 07:32 PM
If it any consolation to you......When I get hot flashes....In my head I can see myself ripping off all of my clothes and running BUTT NAKED down the street.... I have yet to act on those visions.......but one never knows.......
I'm so sorry about the expensive car repairs. Bad time of year.
You're in a perfect place to run naked for cooling off. Take some friends for safety if the time ever comes. And don't risk frostbite. The spring rains will suffice.
I keep that post in my bedstand. Thanks so much.
Love,
Nikki
I'm so sorry about the expensive car repairs. Bad time of year.
You're in a perfect place to run naked for cooling off. Take some friends for safety if the time ever comes. And don't risk frostbite. The spring rains will suffice.
I keep that post in my bedstand. Thanks so much.
Love,
Nikki
stick2013
02-05-2007, 08:31 PM
Dearest Nikki,
Read it when you open your eyes in the morning.... It might just make your day a little more bearable...Read it when you get into be for the night, and it might just make the boogie man go away........
Love you too Sweetie......... And I MEANT EVERY WORD OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! You are my :angel:
Hugs,
Sid
Read it when you open your eyes in the morning.... It might just make your day a little more bearable...Read it when you get into be for the night, and it might just make the boogie man go away........
Love you too Sweetie......... And I MEANT EVERY WORD OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! You are my :angel:
Hugs,
Sid
Sannah
02-06-2007, 09:45 AM
Nikki, in my opinion I think that your OCD needs to be at the top of the list because your "recirculating thoughts" about your trauma, etc. seem to be what is causing you the most distress right now.
About the nudity, when I think of nudity I think of pureness, not hiding anything. Do you think that you are trying to "say" these sorts of things when you get the urge to run nude?
About being in an intimate relationship with men. It will come AFTER you are done processing all of this other stuff. It makes total sense that you think of sex as dirty and violent, this is what your history is with it. After you process all of this stuff, though, you will be able to move on and discover that you CAN have a wonderful intimate relationship with a man. It WILL come later so please stop worrying about it! I had terrible boundaries and I wouldn't let anyone near me. After sorting through the ideas in my head and finding my wonderful husband I was able to form a very wonderful, intimate relationship with my husband. I would have never dreamed that it could have been possible when I was in my twenties.
Nikki, YOU ARE NOT A CRAZYBOX! You are such a warm, wonderful, intelligent and creative person who is FULL OF LIFE. Your mind/emotions function better than the majority of the population. I know you have your anxiety issues which cause you to do things that you of course wish that you did not, but you are going to get beyond this stuff. I know what anxiety can do to your mind and I also know that a person can work beyond it!
About the nudity, when I think of nudity I think of pureness, not hiding anything. Do you think that you are trying to "say" these sorts of things when you get the urge to run nude?
About being in an intimate relationship with men. It will come AFTER you are done processing all of this other stuff. It makes total sense that you think of sex as dirty and violent, this is what your history is with it. After you process all of this stuff, though, you will be able to move on and discover that you CAN have a wonderful intimate relationship with a man. It WILL come later so please stop worrying about it! I had terrible boundaries and I wouldn't let anyone near me. After sorting through the ideas in my head and finding my wonderful husband I was able to form a very wonderful, intimate relationship with my husband. I would have never dreamed that it could have been possible when I was in my twenties.
Nikki, YOU ARE NOT A CRAZYBOX! You are such a warm, wonderful, intelligent and creative person who is FULL OF LIFE. Your mind/emotions function better than the majority of the population. I know you have your anxiety issues which cause you to do things that you of course wish that you did not, but you are going to get beyond this stuff. I know what anxiety can do to your mind and I also know that a person can work beyond it!
ICC
02-06-2007, 10:26 AM
Nikki----I have to agree with sannah about the OCD. As I said to you in a previous post my youngest daughter has it. Not as bad as your's but she hasn't suffered as you have. Mistakes that she has made in her life she obsesses over day after day. It just keeps replaying in her mind as a rerun of a bad movie. Her and I several times have gone at it since I forget at times what she gets like. When I see her making her own life a living hell going over and over "mistakes" "hurts" etc. eventually it will click with me that it is the OCD taking over. we talk and talk until she can let go. she's 28. a professional who makes good money, dynamite to look at but still stops herself from fully living because of her obsessions. she has gotten to the point recently in looking at others and has come to realize that all humans make mistakes and alot of good people have horrible things happen to them. When she gets in one of her obssesive moods she talks herself out of it. Most of the time, not always. it's always a struggle but I believe if you could work on this first so you don't obsess with the past it just might open you up to different avenues. Also as sannah said having an intimate relationship was something I never thought i would ever have but at 53 I do. Didn't start out that way and we didn't even meet until I was 41. But love does happen when the time is right and never, ever think you are too old for it to come into your life.
Love you as always,
Grasshopper
Love you as always,
Grasshopper
hergy
02-06-2007, 11:15 PM
Nikki, in my opinion I think that your OCD needs to be at the top of the list because your "recirculating thoughts" about your trauma, etc. seem to be what is causing you the most distress right now.
You are kind, loving and extremely insightful, Sannah.
I had my monthly visit with my psychiatrist Monday. I told her that I felt the OCD was hindering my acceptance of the childhood stuff. The more we talked, it became evident that this is true. But a new thing came up.
She asked where I got the idea that my anxieties weren't a big deal. I had never thought about that. It has been instilled in me since childhood that my feelings are bothersome to others, that my emotional moments ruined everyone's good time, and it's selfish to be concerned about troubling issues.
I realized Monday that I'm not just ashamed of what I did as a kid. I'm ashamed of being disturbed about it. That was news to me. She agreed with my feeling that I don't need an adjustment to my meds. She said therapy is going to feel very painful for a while. But she confronted me on how my painful emotions jump such a wide gap, landing on SI and suicide. I don't have an answer for that. She said I'm skipping a lot of emotions in between that I need to address. Lots to work on.
Plus, she said I've got to get rid of my SI 'kit.' She has a legal obligation to be concerned about evidence of impulsive behavior. She's right. I've been dreaming about suicide. Bad sign. I don't want to make a mistake that could keep me from waking up the next day to renew my love of the sun, the trees and everything else.
And thanks for the comfort about the relationship stuff. I never intended to discuss it at all. I just don't feel the potential for ever feeling romantic.
It will come AFTER you are done processing all of this other stuff....It WILL come later so please stop worrying about it! That's one of the most comforting things I've ever heard. I don't feel so wierd when you put it like that.
Lots of love and hugs,
Nikki
You are kind, loving and extremely insightful, Sannah.
I had my monthly visit with my psychiatrist Monday. I told her that I felt the OCD was hindering my acceptance of the childhood stuff. The more we talked, it became evident that this is true. But a new thing came up.
She asked where I got the idea that my anxieties weren't a big deal. I had never thought about that. It has been instilled in me since childhood that my feelings are bothersome to others, that my emotional moments ruined everyone's good time, and it's selfish to be concerned about troubling issues.
I realized Monday that I'm not just ashamed of what I did as a kid. I'm ashamed of being disturbed about it. That was news to me. She agreed with my feeling that I don't need an adjustment to my meds. She said therapy is going to feel very painful for a while. But she confronted me on how my painful emotions jump such a wide gap, landing on SI and suicide. I don't have an answer for that. She said I'm skipping a lot of emotions in between that I need to address. Lots to work on.
Plus, she said I've got to get rid of my SI 'kit.' She has a legal obligation to be concerned about evidence of impulsive behavior. She's right. I've been dreaming about suicide. Bad sign. I don't want to make a mistake that could keep me from waking up the next day to renew my love of the sun, the trees and everything else.
And thanks for the comfort about the relationship stuff. I never intended to discuss it at all. I just don't feel the potential for ever feeling romantic.
It will come AFTER you are done processing all of this other stuff....It WILL come later so please stop worrying about it! That's one of the most comforting things I've ever heard. I don't feel so wierd when you put it like that.
Lots of love and hugs,
Nikki
hergy
02-06-2007, 11:26 PM
....Also as sannah said having an intimate relationship was something I never thought i would ever have but at 53 I do. Didn't start out that way and we didn't even meet until I was 41. But love does happen when the time is right and never, ever think you are too old for it to come into your life.
THANK YOU. Before my flip out in 2005, I lived as your daughter. I'm a typical overachiever who doesn't stop for anything. On the outside, I'm all business. A total perfectionist, beating myself up for not being the best. Denial finally dragged me to the ground.
And, oh my word, you can't know how comforting it is to know about your successful relationship. I've gotten the strong feeling that, if I ever get my head straight, it will be too late for me. I've passed up opportunities because they never felt like opportunites. My head still equates sex and marriage with death and gloom. Your words lift me in ways I can't describe. Thank you, cyber mom. It's what I needed to hear.
Love and more love,
Nikki
THANK YOU. Before my flip out in 2005, I lived as your daughter. I'm a typical overachiever who doesn't stop for anything. On the outside, I'm all business. A total perfectionist, beating myself up for not being the best. Denial finally dragged me to the ground.
And, oh my word, you can't know how comforting it is to know about your successful relationship. I've gotten the strong feeling that, if I ever get my head straight, it will be too late for me. I've passed up opportunities because they never felt like opportunites. My head still equates sex and marriage with death and gloom. Your words lift me in ways I can't describe. Thank you, cyber mom. It's what I needed to hear.
Love and more love,
Nikki
ICC
02-07-2007, 08:49 AM
Good morning Nikki------I am so glad your dr. was on it. I know this is hard and will be hard for you but very beneficial in the end. All of your hard work will be worth while. I understand the hidden anxiety totally. I too was always told and made to feel like my feelings were stupid, worthless and a burden to all around me. until the last few years when my husband and daughters gave me so much support and understanding. So being raised like this we tend to hold everything back and the anxiety takes control. it's scary. an ugly feeling. You speak of shame. sweetheart please don't slight yourself. you have so many ugly, painful emotions inside you that have to come out, please don't ever think you should.would,could do things differently. your plate is full and a little at a time you have to clean it off. Your love of life, the trees, the sun on your face will keep you going. OVERACHIEVERS!!!!! I believe we all have that trait to a degree. I beleive it 's to compensate for so much that has been lacking in our lives BUT in the end all that work, work, work doesn't get rid of the pain as you're starting to see.
Be well!
Hugs,
Grasshoppers
Be well!
Hugs,
Grasshoppers
stick2013
02-07-2007, 08:55 AM
Dearest Nikki,
I have nothing to add to the mix.....ICC, and Sannah are doing a great job of helping you.....And I am so proud of YOU!!!!!!!
Just want you to know how much I care, and how very proud I am of you for how far that you have come in such a short time......YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!
Love you bunches,
Sid
I have nothing to add to the mix.....ICC, and Sannah are doing a great job of helping you.....And I am so proud of YOU!!!!!!!
Just want you to know how much I care, and how very proud I am of you for how far that you have come in such a short time......YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!
Love you bunches,
Sid
Sannah
02-07-2007, 10:28 AM
She asked where I got the idea that my anxieties weren't a big deal. I had never thought about that. It has been instilled in me since childhood that my feelings are bothersome to others, that my emotional moments ruined everyone's good time, and it's selfish to be concerned about troubling issues.
I realized Monday that I'm not just ashamed of what I did as a kid. I'm ashamed of being disturbed about it. She said I'm skipping a lot of emotions in between that I need to address. Lots to work on.
Nikki, I am soooooo glad that you are opening up more to your doc and therapist!!!!!!! These are big discoveries that you talked about above. You ARE on your way. Please be patient with the process. IT WILL WORK! You will look back on your life one day and be so amazed that you could get beyond it. It blows my mind everyday where I am today and how my life was for the first 40 years. I am the most grateful person on the planet because I KNOW what misery is and now I know what a life is like devoid of misery and filled with good thoughts and happiness!
I realized Monday that I'm not just ashamed of what I did as a kid. I'm ashamed of being disturbed about it. She said I'm skipping a lot of emotions in between that I need to address. Lots to work on.
Nikki, I am soooooo glad that you are opening up more to your doc and therapist!!!!!!! These are big discoveries that you talked about above. You ARE on your way. Please be patient with the process. IT WILL WORK! You will look back on your life one day and be so amazed that you could get beyond it. It blows my mind everyday where I am today and how my life was for the first 40 years. I am the most grateful person on the planet because I KNOW what misery is and now I know what a life is like devoid of misery and filled with good thoughts and happiness!
hergy
02-07-2007, 11:31 PM
....OVERACHIEVERS!!!!! I believe we all have that trait to a degree. I beleive it 's to compensate for so much that has been lacking in our lives BUT in the end all that work, work, work doesn't get rid of the pain as you're starting to see.
You're spot on, ICC! I'm gearing myself up for approaching life differently this go 'round. I want to start enjoying, stop ignoring, face my crap and move on.
Thanks so much for being there.
Love and lots of hugs,
Nikki
You're spot on, ICC! I'm gearing myself up for approaching life differently this go 'round. I want to start enjoying, stop ignoring, face my crap and move on.
Thanks so much for being there.
Love and lots of hugs,
Nikki
hergy
02-07-2007, 11:33 PM
Just want you to know how much I care, and how very proud I am of you for how far that you have come in such a short time......YOU CAN DO THIS!
You confidence in me is a treasure. Thank you so much.
I love you!
Nikki
You confidence in me is a treasure. Thank you so much.
I love you!
Nikki
zencat
02-08-2007, 03:37 AM
Hi Nikki
I was reading about you having “hot flashes”. I would call one of my physical anxiety symptoms that too. I would be told by my middle sister that men don’t have “hot flashes“, so I started to call them “sweat baths”. I guess that was more accurate anyway.
We do share an unique insight. Yes, the circumstances are different and similar at the same time. Its hard for me to understand this and put it into words.
Its if my mind wants to shut down when I get close to understanding the emotions I have spent so much effort in suppressing. The distance widens from the expression and the actual feeling. To the point of emotional apathy and numbness. I feel if my words become sterile and distant. This is a reflection of what going through my mind. You know, its that being un-genuine feeling….. It sucks!
We are a work in progress. You know that saying: it is the journey that counts and not the destination? Here is my spin on that: it is the effort that’s counts and not the results that matter. True, I have an end point envisioned in my mind, a goal. My problem is that if I ever begin to get closer to or reach that goal I probably wont realize it. I’ll be so stuck in my own world of personal desolation that I wont see beyond that. So I will stop trying. I think it’s a good idea for me to not judge my lack or gain in development. I am content to notice my effort or not, without judgment. Its like telling yourself: this is something I do or this is something I don’t do. …..maybe this will help you….ok?
I have benefited from your encouragement and insight, I have also been challenged to look deep into the abyss or my own soul by your thoughts and words. This is difficult stuff to put it mildly. But necessary none the less.
I will talk to you soon my friend………carry on with hope for a better life………
I will do the same………sending healing thoughts your way……….
Zencat.
I was reading about you having “hot flashes”. I would call one of my physical anxiety symptoms that too. I would be told by my middle sister that men don’t have “hot flashes“, so I started to call them “sweat baths”. I guess that was more accurate anyway.
We do share an unique insight. Yes, the circumstances are different and similar at the same time. Its hard for me to understand this and put it into words.
Its if my mind wants to shut down when I get close to understanding the emotions I have spent so much effort in suppressing. The distance widens from the expression and the actual feeling. To the point of emotional apathy and numbness. I feel if my words become sterile and distant. This is a reflection of what going through my mind. You know, its that being un-genuine feeling….. It sucks!
We are a work in progress. You know that saying: it is the journey that counts and not the destination? Here is my spin on that: it is the effort that’s counts and not the results that matter. True, I have an end point envisioned in my mind, a goal. My problem is that if I ever begin to get closer to or reach that goal I probably wont realize it. I’ll be so stuck in my own world of personal desolation that I wont see beyond that. So I will stop trying. I think it’s a good idea for me to not judge my lack or gain in development. I am content to notice my effort or not, without judgment. Its like telling yourself: this is something I do or this is something I don’t do. …..maybe this will help you….ok?
I have benefited from your encouragement and insight, I have also been challenged to look deep into the abyss or my own soul by your thoughts and words. This is difficult stuff to put it mildly. But necessary none the less.
I will talk to you soon my friend………carry on with hope for a better life………
I will do the same………sending healing thoughts your way……….
Zencat.
ICC
02-08-2007, 07:47 AM
Nikki and zencat-----I post this saying every once in awhile since when I think hard about it's meaning it has helped to turn my life around.
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"
change, though scary, is progress in our cases.
Hugs and much love,
Grasshopper
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"
change, though scary, is progress in our cases.
Hugs and much love,
Grasshopper
zencat
02-08-2007, 10:44 AM
Good morning, Grasshopper? Are you using that name in a similar context as the T.V. show Kung Fu: try to take the pebble from my hand if you are………… you probably have a large pebble collection. :)
I love that saying……..it illustrates the delusion of self salvation through denial.
Here’s one of my favorites:
Vision without action is a daydream. Action with without vision is a nightmare. ~ Japanese Proverb
And this one is good……..NUTPOD…Never Underestimate The Power Of Denial.
SYS.. Z.
I love that saying……..it illustrates the delusion of self salvation through denial.
Here’s one of my favorites:
Vision without action is a daydream. Action with without vision is a nightmare. ~ Japanese Proverb
And this one is good……..NUTPOD…Never Underestimate The Power Of Denial.
SYS.. Z.
ICC
02-08-2007, 12:37 PM
Way to go zencat.........Love the expressions. FTM named me Grasshopper and I do believe it came from Kung Fu at least i hope so because that's how i interpreted it. Going to write your words of wisdom down so I can read them when needed. thank-you.
FTM..........That is where my name cam from isn't it?
Hugs to all,
Grasshopper
FTM..........That is where my name cam from isn't it?
Hugs to all,
Grasshopper
hergy
02-08-2007, 08:17 PM
my mind wants to shut down when I get close to understanding the emotions I have spent so much effort in suppressing. The distance widens from the expression and the actual feeling. To the point of emotional apathy and numbness. I feel if my words become sterile and distant. This is a reflection of what going through my mind. You know, its that being un-genuine feeling….. It sucks!
You are so right. It sucks! It's amazing how we share similar mental and emotional struggles. I have searched so long for the way to describe the way it feels to have my words "become sterile and distant." Well put! I'd like to use that phrase with my therapist.
I, too, have angered frustration at myself for getting so close to understanding and accepting a memory or feeling, then shutting down before I get there. "Emotional apathy and numbness" are my life.
I fight with myself before a word escapes my mouth. I'm afraid to express my anger, so it festers inside. My private reality is anger. That blankets me with the "un-genuine feeling."
Inside, a heavy anchor of guilt is tightly attached to my attempts to express my reasons for anger.
I have benefited from your encouragement and insight, I have also been challenged to look deep into the abyss or my own soul by your thoughts and words. This is difficult stuff...
Thanks, Zencat. I feel exactly the same way about you. I have never heard so many of my hidden emotions come to light. Your words refreshingly pierce my head.
Thanks.
Love,
Nikki
You are so right. It sucks! It's amazing how we share similar mental and emotional struggles. I have searched so long for the way to describe the way it feels to have my words "become sterile and distant." Well put! I'd like to use that phrase with my therapist.
I, too, have angered frustration at myself for getting so close to understanding and accepting a memory or feeling, then shutting down before I get there. "Emotional apathy and numbness" are my life.
I fight with myself before a word escapes my mouth. I'm afraid to express my anger, so it festers inside. My private reality is anger. That blankets me with the "un-genuine feeling."
Inside, a heavy anchor of guilt is tightly attached to my attempts to express my reasons for anger.
I have benefited from your encouragement and insight, I have also been challenged to look deep into the abyss or my own soul by your thoughts and words. This is difficult stuff...
Thanks, Zencat. I feel exactly the same way about you. I have never heard so many of my hidden emotions come to light. Your words refreshingly pierce my head.
Thanks.
Love,
Nikki
Sannah
02-09-2007, 10:19 AM
Hi Nikki, do you think that you might be angry with your mother but you just cannot let that come to the surface?
hergy
02-09-2007, 03:40 PM
Hi Nikki, do you think that you might be angry with your mother but you just cannot let that come to the surface?
OH, YEAH!:mad: :mad: :mad:
Since dropping my denial a couple of weeks ago, the floodgates have opened. The reasons for my anger have been pouring into my consciousness. I went over some of them in therapy today.
The anger I have for my mother is not over her bringing me to the babysitter and four sick boys. I'm angry that she never helped me, that she squashed my self-expression.
I grew up strange, an outcast, a freak in my head. I never fit in. I experienced just about every 'normal' symptom of sexual abuse. One of those was emotional problems. I had emotional outbursts, sometimes just moody and depressed.
In essence, she told me to suck it up. She wasn't interested in addressing the problem that was causing my wierd expressions and behavior. She'd tell me I was ruining everybody's good time or I was working myself up. In my mind, my feelings were stupid, invalid, something to be ashamed of.
Meanwhile, I was growing up with twisted ideas about trust, sex, men and women, what made me special and so much more. Emotionally, I'm four years old. I'm VERY ANGRY with my mom about that. What's done is done. I'm an adult and am dealing with this stuff myself. But the anger's still there.
I HATE the freaky limitations I live with because of never getting comfort, help, or just my mom saying, 'It's ok. You're not bad.'
I already thought I was bad. She confirmed it.
Nikki
OH, YEAH!:mad: :mad: :mad:
Since dropping my denial a couple of weeks ago, the floodgates have opened. The reasons for my anger have been pouring into my consciousness. I went over some of them in therapy today.
The anger I have for my mother is not over her bringing me to the babysitter and four sick boys. I'm angry that she never helped me, that she squashed my self-expression.
I grew up strange, an outcast, a freak in my head. I never fit in. I experienced just about every 'normal' symptom of sexual abuse. One of those was emotional problems. I had emotional outbursts, sometimes just moody and depressed.
In essence, she told me to suck it up. She wasn't interested in addressing the problem that was causing my wierd expressions and behavior. She'd tell me I was ruining everybody's good time or I was working myself up. In my mind, my feelings were stupid, invalid, something to be ashamed of.
Meanwhile, I was growing up with twisted ideas about trust, sex, men and women, what made me special and so much more. Emotionally, I'm four years old. I'm VERY ANGRY with my mom about that. What's done is done. I'm an adult and am dealing with this stuff myself. But the anger's still there.
I HATE the freaky limitations I live with because of never getting comfort, help, or just my mom saying, 'It's ok. You're not bad.'
I already thought I was bad. She confirmed it.
Nikki
Sannah
02-09-2007, 03:49 PM
Nikki, I am so glad that you are dealing with this anger now. I'll bet it had a lot to do with your self-harm?
liz49
02-09-2007, 04:14 PM
Nikki---
I stumbled across your incredible postings kind of by accident and feel like I was drawn into your living room with all these friends!! And, I too am a survivor of sexual abuse--I don't think it was really a mistake that I began reading this long thread. I was molested by my older brother for many, many years. I never brought it up, I never told anyone, as he was considered the family's "Golden Child" and I knew that if I pointed any finger of accusation at him I wouldn't be believed, so I didn't and the abuse continued at various levels for years. If he ever actually raped me, I have blocked that completely. Only many, many years later, when he was actually in jail for abusing his step children did it all come back to me in a nauseating wave and I finally faced up to what he'd done. And, sadly, my mom chose not to believe me. I won't go into details, but through a lot of therapy (i had already been in therapy with depression and anxiety and wasn't making a lot of progress) I really began to process what I'd been through. I am still working on it but at least I am beginning (at age 50!) to stop blaming myself for what was not my fault. He is one sicko. Turns out he'd abused many other kids, including my other sister and one of my brothers, too, all of his own children and had beaten all 3 of his wives. What a jerk. Before his death, my dad had disowned him, so while a kind of hollow victory, it did go some distance towards helping me feel better--also now my mom does believe at some level that he did indeed inflict "pain" on several of us. I jst think she isn't ready to admit he can be the monster he is.
But one thing I know of a certainty: I was a totally innocent kid: I didn't do ANYTHING wrong. HE is the abuser, the monster, the perpetrator and it is his sin. I don't know if you are religious at all, but I am, and there is a scripture that speaks to child abusers saying that :"It would have been better that a millstone were hanged about their necks and they were drowned in the depths of the sea than to have hurt one of my little ones" ...this is God speaking of child abusers and thier "reward" as it were for what they do. (I really kind of paraphrased that, too lazy to get up and check my reference) So, at some time, while I know I have to come to terms with what was done to me, I also have to thumb my nose at him and live my life--because my best revenge on him is to have been able to live a happy life. I have a wonderful, understanding and supportive husband (who has promised my brother certain death if he comes within 500 feet of me, my daughters or grandchildren) 5 beautiful kids and a knowledge that I DID NOTHING WRONG.
Of course there are always days when I feel bad, I let those black clouds come over the horizon and hover over my head, but I have to keep on keeping on...as you do and as you have been doing....despite the things done to you I admire your amazing strength and humor. A lesser woman would have curled up and given up You keep fighting!!
And DO ask for some Xanax for your upcoming pelvic exam. They aren't pleasant but it will go by quickly, I promise. I seriously think ob/gyns should have nitrous in their offices!! I had all my kids via C-section so my pelvic floor is still very tight, which I guess is good but it makes every pelvic exam like the first---a tight squeeze. The dr always says "You have the pelvic floor of a 16 year old!" Woohoo! Everything I own that's "like 16 year old's" nobody can see! (Bone density, blood pressure, etc.) I want the boobs of a 16 year old.....or at least where they were when I was 16!
God bless you Nikki--I hope it's ok I jumped in here....
Liz
I stumbled across your incredible postings kind of by accident and feel like I was drawn into your living room with all these friends!! And, I too am a survivor of sexual abuse--I don't think it was really a mistake that I began reading this long thread. I was molested by my older brother for many, many years. I never brought it up, I never told anyone, as he was considered the family's "Golden Child" and I knew that if I pointed any finger of accusation at him I wouldn't be believed, so I didn't and the abuse continued at various levels for years. If he ever actually raped me, I have blocked that completely. Only many, many years later, when he was actually in jail for abusing his step children did it all come back to me in a nauseating wave and I finally faced up to what he'd done. And, sadly, my mom chose not to believe me. I won't go into details, but through a lot of therapy (i had already been in therapy with depression and anxiety and wasn't making a lot of progress) I really began to process what I'd been through. I am still working on it but at least I am beginning (at age 50!) to stop blaming myself for what was not my fault. He is one sicko. Turns out he'd abused many other kids, including my other sister and one of my brothers, too, all of his own children and had beaten all 3 of his wives. What a jerk. Before his death, my dad had disowned him, so while a kind of hollow victory, it did go some distance towards helping me feel better--also now my mom does believe at some level that he did indeed inflict "pain" on several of us. I jst think she isn't ready to admit he can be the monster he is.
But one thing I know of a certainty: I was a totally innocent kid: I didn't do ANYTHING wrong. HE is the abuser, the monster, the perpetrator and it is his sin. I don't know if you are religious at all, but I am, and there is a scripture that speaks to child abusers saying that :"It would have been better that a millstone were hanged about their necks and they were drowned in the depths of the sea than to have hurt one of my little ones" ...this is God speaking of child abusers and thier "reward" as it were for what they do. (I really kind of paraphrased that, too lazy to get up and check my reference) So, at some time, while I know I have to come to terms with what was done to me, I also have to thumb my nose at him and live my life--because my best revenge on him is to have been able to live a happy life. I have a wonderful, understanding and supportive husband (who has promised my brother certain death if he comes within 500 feet of me, my daughters or grandchildren) 5 beautiful kids and a knowledge that I DID NOTHING WRONG.
Of course there are always days when I feel bad, I let those black clouds come over the horizon and hover over my head, but I have to keep on keeping on...as you do and as you have been doing....despite the things done to you I admire your amazing strength and humor. A lesser woman would have curled up and given up You keep fighting!!
And DO ask for some Xanax for your upcoming pelvic exam. They aren't pleasant but it will go by quickly, I promise. I seriously think ob/gyns should have nitrous in their offices!! I had all my kids via C-section so my pelvic floor is still very tight, which I guess is good but it makes every pelvic exam like the first---a tight squeeze. The dr always says "You have the pelvic floor of a 16 year old!" Woohoo! Everything I own that's "like 16 year old's" nobody can see! (Bone density, blood pressure, etc.) I want the boobs of a 16 year old.....or at least where they were when I was 16!
God bless you Nikki--I hope it's ok I jumped in here....
Liz
hergy
02-09-2007, 04:16 PM
Nikki, I am so glad that you are dealing with this anger now. I'll bet it had a lot to do with your self-harm?
I think you're right. I hate myself for feeling, just feeling.
I'm starting to feel free to discuss the anger now. I still feel very uncomfortable with a lot of subjects, but I'm beginning to address the ones I can talk about.
I think you're right. I hate myself for feeling, just feeling.
I'm starting to feel free to discuss the anger now. I still feel very uncomfortable with a lot of subjects, but I'm beginning to address the ones I can talk about.
Sannah
02-10-2007, 12:28 PM
I hate myself for feeling, just feeling.
I'm starting to feel free to discuss the anger now.
Nikki, this is quite a breakthrough. I wish you luck in processing all of this.
I'm starting to feel free to discuss the anger now.
Nikki, this is quite a breakthrough. I wish you luck in processing all of this.
Sannah
02-10-2007, 12:29 PM
Liz, welcome! Please come to post frequently!