My DH went off all of his AD's and was getting ready to try the new med. (or so I thought) and NOW he is saying, "I feel much better being off all those drugs! I'm not gonna take that new one!" He told his PDOC he's feeling "great" and wants to try no drugs...but plans to continue the marriage counseling that we've been going to for about one month. I'm not sure if he has BP or Depression...:confused: I just lost alot of hope that I once had when I heard this from him! :blob_fire I thought we had a much better future if he tried the meds. AND counseling. No, well, I'm just hopeless. I really cannot see how this can ever work. He continues to say things like, "Everything at home (my fault) is why I'm so depressed!" :rolleyes: Anyone else ever have this experience???

Hi Kym,

This isn't an answer for you, but I am very curious and would like to know what the pdoc said when your husband told him he wouldn't take anything because he felt great? Also, from what you wrote, your husband has not been diagnosed by the pdoc? There is a question of whether he is bipolar or is he being treated for depression? In any case, as you already know, you are in for a hard time if your husband will not take any medication for his condition.

Regarding your question, there are a number of women on this board right now that are going through the same thing as you, wondering the same question, receiving the same comments from their husbands. Check out a thread "how does BP affect the family?" written by 4support. I know she would love to hear from you. I've been posting with her but I do not have any firsthand knowledge. My connection to all this is through my son who is bippolar 1.

Stay warm!
Tsohl

I can relate to what you said. I was always the cause of his rage and all else that went wrong. He could not understand why I did or said anything. He would rage on about something but if I tried to say one word I was either told to shut up or screamed at with his saying STOP. He was not on meds either and I can only say without meds a bipolar cannot make it work.

TSOHL & MASHMALLOW, Thanks for your replies. tsohl, I'm not sure if my husband is being treated for depression or bipolar. I'm not 'allowed' to go with him to his PDOC Appts. I'm told by my DH that it's 'none of my business' what goes on there. :blob_fire My DH told me that his PDOC said okay, let's try it without meds. My DH has another APPT. scheduled with his PDOC in MAY. Yes, that's right, not till MAY. Even as I'm writing this I am so angry that I could spit! :mad: Here I believed we really had a chance to get our marriage back on track with counseling AND meds. I just feel like this is a big waste of time. I really don't know how long I'm going to stick around for this crap. I've been thru years & years of this and I'm just soooo tired. I feel like I deserve so much better! (My son, too.) :dizzy: I also feel like I'd be happier without him in my life now. It's just the whole process is scary...:eek: BUT I do know that many other women out there have done it before me; so I know it can be done. Thanks for listening and your replies. It helps me to get this stuff off of my chest! Kym.

Hi Kym,
I remember reading your posts last summer or fall when you were having a hard time deciding if you should stay or leave (hope I'm remembering that correctly). I was pleased to see your recent post...and thought you had been making good progress, but I can see from this reply that not much has changed.:(

I am not married to someone with BP...in my case it is my 25-year old son that is BP...but regardless, anyone can see that it is not fair for your husband to exclude you from his mental health issues. We all know that at least some people with BP are very good at lying, or rearranging the facts, and in covering. Who knows what he has told the pdoc? If the pdoc doesn't want to see him again until May, he has obviously been able to convince the pdoc that he is stable and able to cope and remain stable without medication.

Depending on how much you want to pursue this, I would call his pdoc. I know all about confidentiality but I think you could ask him to speak to you without breaking his obligation to your husband. Maybe you could just make an appointment for yourself...go in and tell him that you are trying to save your marriage but that you can't do it on your own and that your husband is cutting you out of all decisions...etc. Just explain as you have here, ect. Do you think this might make any difference?

If you read through these other threads, it doesn't sound like your future is very bright if your husband refuses to take medication and refuses to even discuss his illness with you. Are you in a position to try a trial separation? How old is your son? Do you have any family to support you?

I really can't believe someone telling his wife it is none of her business. Sorry. Guess I am kind of naive!!

Well, I've asked enough questions for one post.
Take care,
Tsohl

tshol, Thanks for posting again. Yes, that's me & my posts that you are remembering. No, not much has changed. As far as I'm concerned, things have gone to bad to worst. I've written letters to his PDOC before and the PDOC told my DH that I wrote to him. The PDOC tells him everything. My DH was VERY angry, to say the very least. So, I've tried that route before. :rolleyes: No, I have noone to support me & my boy. My family live in another State and no extra $$ so that's out of the question. I work very part-time and am looking for full-time work right now. I feel like I need to get totally independent before I make any 'moves' if you know what I mean. Our little boy is only 7 yrs. old. He is the light of my life so I need to do all of this very carefully. My DH seems to think that just counseling alone will solve all our problems. (Or should I say MY problem??? He believes it's ALL MY fault, after all.) We have never been to counseling together before, so this is interesting, to say the least. We are living as roommates; we have lives this way for 2 yrs. now. I'm just getting back into the work force after having our son & staying home with him as we planned. Anyhow, I'm sure you can tell that I have had it. I am so tired of this life called "marriage":yawn: We have NO marriage. I'm the most single married person that I know! Anyway, thanks for replying to my post. How is your family doing now? Kym.

Hi Kym,
I actually received a message from you on one of my posts a while back. It seems that you and I are in similar situations. My husband is BP/ADHD, we have been married over 10 yrs and have 2 beautiful young children, 2.5 & 5.5.
My husband is medicated, however, he still has mood swings and other issues within himself that he is supposed to be working on in therapy (he only goes every once in a while). One of the problems is that he doesn't have a good pdoc at the moment, and I believe he needs a med adjustment which isn't going to happen until he has a new dr. I can honestly say that the mood stabilizer he is on saved our marriage, I would never have been able to stay with him without it. His behaviour changed so drastically about 4 yrs ago and went on for almost a year until I finally convinced him to get help. He also tried to blame everything on me when I was still the same person and he was totally out of control. Even now, he still wants to me to feel that any conflict is my fault when most of the time I just walk on eggshells around him and try to keep him happy. Anytime he disagrees with me or doesn't like my input, he yells and acts like a child and criticizes me. I am really struggling with this because I really love my husband, but his moods continue to be unpredictable and it is very very difficult to keep "ignoring" the verbal abuse that is the result of this illness. I do not like the children hearing his comments or seeing his behaviour. I try to shield them and am open with them, trying to explain that they have done nothing wrong and that their father's behaviour is unacceptable and not "normal". How else to you explain and protect young children? If you don't mind me asking, how do you handle this with your son and are you concerned about him learning the same behaviour? I do not want my children learning by his example. I agree with you that after years of dealing with this illness already (and still my husband is 'skeptical' of his diagnosis even though he has seen 4 pdocs/therapist, etc...) and not fully accountable for his behaviour, the unpredictability of his moods and the conflict he creates is really wearing on me. It does sometimes feel hopeless that he'll ever be fully well, and I keep relying on the therapist and my faith in God to 'get thru to him'. How is your husband doing without the medication? Does he have a good pdoc? What makes me nervous when I read your post is that I keep hearing how when people 'feel better' and get off their meds, many times they end up regressing. All I know is we must be really strong people to make it this far with some of the challenges we're up against. What is your husband's behaviour like, also unpredictable and up/down? I know exactly how you feel when you say your son is the light of your life. My children are mine too. It helps to talk to someone who understands what living with a husband who is ill is like. Most of my family is overseas and I do not have any family support. It is difficult to know who you can talk to and this is very hard. I am here to talk with you anytime and maybe we can help eachother thru this!
Take care.
4support

Kymberlee,

I would like to give you a persective of the otherside. I am BiPolar I wish I was not but I am. My wife left me a year and half ago, the divorce has been final now for one year. I was diagnosed in 2003 put on meds and and got better for a while, well we both saw the change and got closer. I thought I had this beat. So I went off my meds for a year. In my mind things were pretty good. Well it turned out not so good, I had rages, mania, and sever depprsion. She held on and on hoping for the best. I however put her though hell. I would not listen, and ego got inflated. How could this woman not love me. I am the best man she could ever have, I truley love this woman. Howewrver It got worse. Begain to disrespect her, sad very hurtfull things

Well at this point she left after a very cruel comment from me. She found her limit That day she said she would be at here parents house thinking.
The next day she picked up most of her stuff, said she needed to think, well she thought and wanted out of the marrige This killed me. Howevewr she did it it had to be done, she was looking out for my 4 year old son too. What she did was right, I was so sick lost lonely But thought I was god I could make it go away I could not So she left.

In the end, my wife left, I did not like the way she did it but it was done. I have only one thing to say. I love her to this day, want nothing more than to be with her again, but it will never happen, I am sick she is not and deserves a better life as does my son.

I find my peace in knowing I married her for love, and I am happy she has found what she needs. I want her to be happy, but wish she could have found it with me

Blue

Kymberlee, I relate so well to what you say. The ups and downs and instability are draining on a person. Never knowing what they will say or do can cause you to doubt yourself. I got so tired of my husband saying he would get help then the next day saying I needed it not him. I was the one that was sick yet he was the one so out of control I had to call the police many times to calm him down or remove him from out home. Even now that we are living separately he tells me he is going to get help and changes his mind days later. I have about decided divorce is the only answer because I can't live on broken promises. We tried counseling but he behaved so well the pdoc all we had were relationship problems. This was the one he believed. We also went to 2 other that said he was bp/borderline personality. Kym, you can only take so much and you sound close to your limit. I hope you can make a choice that will be best for you and your son. Sometimes you just cannot help another person and can only help yourself. Hugs.

4Support, BPBlue & Marshmallow, thanks all for your insight & replies. Wow...where do I start? Well, first, my DH has been pretty "even-tempered" lately. I'm scared to even say that because as soon as I do--WHAM! He goes into "Dr. Jeckell& Mr.Hyde" mode. He "lost it" (as he puts it) about a week ago...since then has been okay. The thing is I'm not really sure WHEN he'll lose it again. It's really just a matter of time, IMO. (But what in the heck do I know??? After all, it's all MY fault! That's what HE thinks.) :dizzy: I think the counseling is helping, somewhat, but I really don't think it's the only answer to healing our 'marriage'. There has been so much hurt & pain along the way, it's really hard for me to leave it in the past. The hurtful comments & words ring thru my ears & heart. Sometimes I look at him with distain&discust. I don't think I remember ever feeling like this before in my life. Especially toward someone I'm supossed to "love". I'm just taking steps for myself & son to do whatever I need to. I'm still commited to the counseling with him. I feel I need to as long as he's willing. I'm hoping that somewhere down the road, when he finally realizes he cannot make it without meds. he'll go back onto something. We'll see. I'm just taking one day at a time and relying on GOD. I try to protect my son from his 'moods' as well. It's really hard to do that. There are times that my son has said,"Let's get rid of Dad." He's only 7 and saying things like that. He knows things aren't right. He's a smart little boy. Anyway, thanks for all the support&love. I don't know what I'd do sometimes without all you guys!!! LV, Kym.:angel: