the mad katter
02-08-2007, 05:30 PM
Dear fellow sufferers:
I have recently discovered for myself that I have PTSD. For awhile there I was a confusing diagnosis. Borderline, OCD, Bi-Polar I. Now I know that the Borderline and OCD stem from the PTS.
I want to tell you what I've been like the last month. Agoraphobic, not picking up the phone, experiencing a "fear of envelopes" (I have Fibromyalgia from the PTSD) so yeh, BILLS. I have been legally disabled for 5 years now. Little by little whatever safety and self confidence was chipped away by my follies. I became a drug addict, which isn't so uncommon for musicians, but yes, it stole years from me.
I keep feeling that I'm frozen. That I must not move because I cannot experience any hurt. So, I miss out on ALL of the things I used to LOVE. Now I have no LOVE. For everyone else I do, as I spent my whole life trying to please, but love for myself? I don't think I ever did! I was either trying to impress and faking my confidence, or getting high or drunk to lose my inhibitions. Oh the masks we wear. The tightrope walkers we were in our teens!
("Give a man a mask and he'll tell you the truth!" - Oscar Wilde)
Now, I'm 29, an adult, but not completely. I am afraid to live. Mostly because I'm afraid that if some CRAZY STRESS comes about, that my body will shut down. Then I'm crippled. Then the dominoes keep falling over and I am depressed about everything. Feeling that I cannot have a career again (as a computer tech) because my body can only stand being upright for so long. (Reminds me of the Plath poem where she says she's much happier laying down - "I am Vertical" is it's name)
I don't want to feel numb. I want to feel. I don't care if you slap me and call me names, or forget me in the market or crush my soul. Make Me FEEL.
My logical mind says this - "what is your damage?" I answer "i'm not sure, I'm having flashbacks from my youth, it's strange. I wonder is my memory problems today are attributed?"
My logical but flacid conciousness asks "What shall we do, should we erase or excavate?" I answer "I think possibly excavate, because I want my happiness back, I want to feel happy, and if these childhood memories, the ones that turned me into a grown up at 12, the ones that kept me from dreaming are the ones THAT ARE GHOSTS in my subconcious mind that need be exorcised are it? Then hand me the pickaxe, this might hurt, might even kill you but you have to dig in. You have to open the box babe, you must, or your entire life will pass by uncomfortably and uncontrolably because you are haunted from within."
So I wonder, is this what will help? I know about the forgiveness part, but dammit must it be both parents? Can't my plate hold a teacup instead of 4 course meal? Must this be so hard?
Now that I know Fellow Sufferers, how do I repair? Explain the architecture. Do I start from the foundation or on the top floor? I ask you humbly now, can you share with me your process?
I have recently discovered for myself that I have PTSD. For awhile there I was a confusing diagnosis. Borderline, OCD, Bi-Polar I. Now I know that the Borderline and OCD stem from the PTS.
I want to tell you what I've been like the last month. Agoraphobic, not picking up the phone, experiencing a "fear of envelopes" (I have Fibromyalgia from the PTSD) so yeh, BILLS. I have been legally disabled for 5 years now. Little by little whatever safety and self confidence was chipped away by my follies. I became a drug addict, which isn't so uncommon for musicians, but yes, it stole years from me.
I keep feeling that I'm frozen. That I must not move because I cannot experience any hurt. So, I miss out on ALL of the things I used to LOVE. Now I have no LOVE. For everyone else I do, as I spent my whole life trying to please, but love for myself? I don't think I ever did! I was either trying to impress and faking my confidence, or getting high or drunk to lose my inhibitions. Oh the masks we wear. The tightrope walkers we were in our teens!
("Give a man a mask and he'll tell you the truth!" - Oscar Wilde)
Now, I'm 29, an adult, but not completely. I am afraid to live. Mostly because I'm afraid that if some CRAZY STRESS comes about, that my body will shut down. Then I'm crippled. Then the dominoes keep falling over and I am depressed about everything. Feeling that I cannot have a career again (as a computer tech) because my body can only stand being upright for so long. (Reminds me of the Plath poem where she says she's much happier laying down - "I am Vertical" is it's name)
I don't want to feel numb. I want to feel. I don't care if you slap me and call me names, or forget me in the market or crush my soul. Make Me FEEL.
My logical mind says this - "what is your damage?" I answer "i'm not sure, I'm having flashbacks from my youth, it's strange. I wonder is my memory problems today are attributed?"
My logical but flacid conciousness asks "What shall we do, should we erase or excavate?" I answer "I think possibly excavate, because I want my happiness back, I want to feel happy, and if these childhood memories, the ones that turned me into a grown up at 12, the ones that kept me from dreaming are the ones THAT ARE GHOSTS in my subconcious mind that need be exorcised are it? Then hand me the pickaxe, this might hurt, might even kill you but you have to dig in. You have to open the box babe, you must, or your entire life will pass by uncomfortably and uncontrolably because you are haunted from within."
So I wonder, is this what will help? I know about the forgiveness part, but dammit must it be both parents? Can't my plate hold a teacup instead of 4 course meal? Must this be so hard?
Now that I know Fellow Sufferers, how do I repair? Explain the architecture. Do I start from the foundation or on the top floor? I ask you humbly now, can you share with me your process?
Sponsor
stick2013
02-08-2007, 09:27 PM
Dear Mad,
Welcome to the board!!!!
The way to healthiness is simple in theory, but involves work on your part. Some people chose to stay a victim, because it easier, and it's in their comfort zone. Myself and others on this board have chosen not to remain victims, and to work at recovery.
It starts by deciding what you want to be..... A victim, or a survivor.....
After that the work begins..... So what will you be????? We can help, but not without your willingness to help yourself...
Sid
Welcome to the board!!!!
The way to healthiness is simple in theory, but involves work on your part. Some people chose to stay a victim, because it easier, and it's in their comfort zone. Myself and others on this board have chosen not to remain victims, and to work at recovery.
It starts by deciding what you want to be..... A victim, or a survivor.....
After that the work begins..... So what will you be????? We can help, but not without your willingness to help yourself...
Sid
the mad katter
02-09-2007, 12:47 AM
Dear Mad,
Welcome to the board!!!!
The way to healthiness is simple in theory, but involves work on your part. Some people chose to stay a victim, because it easier, and it's in their comfort zone. Myself and others on this board have chosen not to remain victims, and to work at recovery.
It starts by deciding what you want to be..... A victim, or a survivor.....
After that the work begins..... So what will you be????? We can help, but not without your willingness to help yourself...
Sid
Thank you Stick, I had decided long ago not to be the victim, I have tried again and again, and have never given up. I've been in therapy over 10 years about these subjects, but with people who were either "couselors" or Physholists that do not specialize in cognitave therapies.
Pretty much, I am past the stage of descision. It's fight not Flight...
Thanks again,
Welcome to the board!!!!
The way to healthiness is simple in theory, but involves work on your part. Some people chose to stay a victim, because it easier, and it's in their comfort zone. Myself and others on this board have chosen not to remain victims, and to work at recovery.
It starts by deciding what you want to be..... A victim, or a survivor.....
After that the work begins..... So what will you be????? We can help, but not without your willingness to help yourself...
Sid
Thank you Stick, I had decided long ago not to be the victim, I have tried again and again, and have never given up. I've been in therapy over 10 years about these subjects, but with people who were either "couselors" or Physholists that do not specialize in cognitave therapies.
Pretty much, I am past the stage of descision. It's fight not Flight...
Thanks again,
isitme
02-09-2007, 07:38 AM
You have taken the first step - recognising that you have the illness.
And the next step - wanting to heal.
The next step - putting it all into practise. (what a long journey)!
My 'numb' periods would last weeks/months, escaping it all by drinking, which would numb my emotions even more and heighten my negative emotions causing suicidal thoughts. Finding out about CBT has helped me a great deal. All the people from this group have also helped.
Now - I put up a fight to feel good. I found it important to forgive myself also. (How wrong I was to allow myself to feel so depressed, to drink so much, to have no self esteem). I think you are ready for the fight, to overcome the past and to be happy to live in the present. You deserve it.:)
And the next step - wanting to heal.
The next step - putting it all into practise. (what a long journey)!
My 'numb' periods would last weeks/months, escaping it all by drinking, which would numb my emotions even more and heighten my negative emotions causing suicidal thoughts. Finding out about CBT has helped me a great deal. All the people from this group have also helped.
Now - I put up a fight to feel good. I found it important to forgive myself also. (How wrong I was to allow myself to feel so depressed, to drink so much, to have no self esteem). I think you are ready for the fight, to overcome the past and to be happy to live in the present. You deserve it.:)
ICC
02-09-2007, 08:07 AM
Mad Katter.............welcome. My biggest help in finding solutions and letting it all come out and deal with it have been these boards, my counselor and my husband. I do see a PTSD specialist. Have seen others over the years that needed my counseling jester: It works but you need to be with a counselor who truly understands your disorders and you click with so the trust factor is there and you can open up. I am wishing you the best. stick around. I have some of my best counseling sessions right here.
Peace and Prayers,
Grasshopper
Peace and Prayers,
Grasshopper
Sannah
02-09-2007, 10:03 AM
Welcome MadKatter! As for where to start, I believe that a person should start with today and work backwards into the past if that part of the past is related to how you function today. What is bothering you right now? What part of your functioning is causing the most distress? Stay in the present and work from there.
zencat
02-10-2007, 05:33 AM
Welcome Katter
This a great place to grow and learn.
Zencat
This a great place to grow and learn.
Zencat
the mad katter
02-15-2007, 09:26 AM
You know, I really appreciate your replies, all of you! I am not seeing a PTSD Specialist, per se becuase I'm not sure if they take both Medicare and Medicaid. But it's certainly worth a try!
Lessee, Well the functioning problems started after I came down with my 1st Fibromyalgia attack. I was stuck in bed so much and away from people so long, that I became a recluse.
Now, the FM problems aren't so bad, and I'm ready to lie again, but I am seeing some roadblocks. It doesn't seem impossible to treat these, but I'm worried about the length of time it will take, (Because I'm in Earthly Hell right now, not being able to function because I'm in Dante's Ice Age, unable to more or make choices)
So, basic functioning probs are, social anxiety, agoraphobia, fatigue, fibromyalgia, sleep problem, extreme memory loss, and so fragile that I could roll into a panic attack just by having the flashback.
Doctor say for me to take up Yoga so I'm doing that and also go do a sleep study. Are those things helpful?
Lessee, Well the functioning problems started after I came down with my 1st Fibromyalgia attack. I was stuck in bed so much and away from people so long, that I became a recluse.
Now, the FM problems aren't so bad, and I'm ready to lie again, but I am seeing some roadblocks. It doesn't seem impossible to treat these, but I'm worried about the length of time it will take, (Because I'm in Earthly Hell right now, not being able to function because I'm in Dante's Ice Age, unable to more or make choices)
So, basic functioning probs are, social anxiety, agoraphobia, fatigue, fibromyalgia, sleep problem, extreme memory loss, and so fragile that I could roll into a panic attack just by having the flashback.
Doctor say for me to take up Yoga so I'm doing that and also go do a sleep study. Are those things helpful?
ICC
02-15-2007, 10:34 AM
Mad Katter----i believe whatever we do in a positive direction to help ourselves is beneficial. Sid and I both have Fibro. I believe our lives of traumas, hurts, anxiety, fear and anger have affected our bodies. Recently I went through a period that you describe. Just too tired, anxious, panicky and and afraid to make a move. I had to since all i did was cry. afaraid to go out alone, in alot of physical and mental pain. Got hit with it all at one time. If you trust your counselor and are making headway it's not necessary to switch to a PTSD specialist. sometimes they're not easy to find. It's good that you are seeing someone and as long as they are helping I would stick with it and get all you can get from it. If it comes a day when you have to move to someone else cover that bridge when you get to it. For right now it sounds as if you are taking care of yourself and that's a positive road. One day at a time. It's so difficult when neither the mind or body is working. I have had aquatic therapy and Yoga both suggested for my mind and body, both being very relxing therapies. You're on the right path. come back often. we are here for you.
Hugs,
Grasshopper
Hugs,
Grasshopper
zencat
02-15-2007, 10:51 PM
Hi Mad Katter
You asked where to start and Sannah hit it right on. Start where you are now and work from there.
For me: challenging my old beliefs about my PTSD was a good starting point. I started to believe there was hope for a better tomorrow. Examine the messages you tell yourself and work on replacing the negative absolutes with realistic positive messages of hope.
This has helped me a great deal and it is something a person can do now. Keep talking about you challenges here. That also helps. There are some wise and compassionate people hear and although I have been here for only a short time, I feel very welcomed and a bit wiser.
Zencat
You asked where to start and Sannah hit it right on. Start where you are now and work from there.
For me: challenging my old beliefs about my PTSD was a good starting point. I started to believe there was hope for a better tomorrow. Examine the messages you tell yourself and work on replacing the negative absolutes with realistic positive messages of hope.
This has helped me a great deal and it is something a person can do now. Keep talking about you challenges here. That also helps. There are some wise and compassionate people hear and although I have been here for only a short time, I feel very welcomed and a bit wiser.
Zencat
stick2013
02-16-2007, 04:25 PM
HI Mad......:wave:
Where ever you start...... Is a great place....We have ALL been there, done that, wrote the book, and bought the Tee shirt......
I have been through Panic attacks, anxiety attacks, Agoraphobia, 8 suicide attempts, 3 hospitalizations, taken EVERY anti depressant out there, seen about 15 different therapist, and have my own set of health issues to deal with.....BUT I get up everyday, and function......I have good days, and bad days, as we all do.
So jump in with at least a toe to start, and we will offer what help we can.....
Sid
Where ever you start...... Is a great place....We have ALL been there, done that, wrote the book, and bought the Tee shirt......
I have been through Panic attacks, anxiety attacks, Agoraphobia, 8 suicide attempts, 3 hospitalizations, taken EVERY anti depressant out there, seen about 15 different therapist, and have my own set of health issues to deal with.....BUT I get up everyday, and function......I have good days, and bad days, as we all do.
So jump in with at least a toe to start, and we will offer what help we can.....
Sid