When I was first diagnosed as BP2 a few months ago I felt relieved. I was happy that I had finally found a doctor and a drug that would help me after all these years. I felt even better knowing that what I had was a medical condition, and not simply a character flaw like I had always thought. But as time goes on I'm becoming more and more frustrated with the whole thing. It seems suddenly unfair that I have to go through this, and I'm angry that it's something I'll never be "cured" of. At first with the new medication everything was great, but I've learned to be wary of feeling great because it's always meant that feeling terrible was just around the corner.

So I'm starting to feel like I'll always be up and down and there simply is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. and worst off all is the loneliness that comes with it. When I'm in a mood I don't want anyone to see me. Even if I really want to talk to someone I'll stay home alone and keep it to myself. It seems no one understands what I'm going through. I feel like a burden to those who are my friends because of the amount of emotional support I tend to need, so I try to keep quiet about things that are bothering me. I feel like when I have a problem my friends are thinking "oh not this crap again"... and I almost feel guilty for wasting their time when ultimately I'll feel crappy again before too long.

I feel crazy, and alone, and disposable.

Hello hko,

You probably haven't really had enough time to be able to process your diagnosis, and probably not enough time to have found the meds that will work optimally for you. Since you are rather new to the diagnosis, I'm wondering if you are familiar with NAMI? This is a national organization that has local chapters all over the county. It is a wonderful resource for education and support. They have support groups for a whole variety of ages, family groups, different mood disorders, etc. I suggest you search on the internet for NAMI, read about all they offer and look under "Find Support" to see what is closest to your location. Most people are reluctant to attend their first support group meeting, but usually are then relieved to have an outlet to speak with others who understand where they're coming from and what they are experiencing. I think you would feel less lonely if you had a group such as this to attend, at least for a bit.

Please keep posting with your comments and questions. They are many wonderful people on this board who also know what you are going through and can offer support and understanding. Know that you are not alone.

Tsohl

hi, i know exactly what your going through. i thought i was alone in feeling that way. i was diagnosed about a year ago and my meds are still being ajusted although im feeling alot better. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes time and the right meds and conseling to get there. everyone is different so give the meds time to work. the way i look at it is at least i know why im feeling the way . my moods are still up and down but not as severe as they used to be, although i still dont know when my mood is going to change. all and all things are really looking up. smile and hang in there, better days are comming.

Hi there! I too know how you are feeling. I can't count how many times I have been on these boards on a lonely evening... My diagnosis was two years ago, and just recently I got a drug combo that helps much at all, so I know how rough it can be and how patient we have to be to keep sticking with trying to get better. You are not crazy, you are not alone--so many of us are on this roller coaster ride with you--and you are most certainly not disposable. BP folk may have lots of issues to work on and through, but they are also some of the most talented, compassionate and wonderful people to be found! And the more we communicate and work to be closer to stable, the more we can offer hope to those who will follow in our footsteps in the path of this awful dis-ease. So please take heart! Sometimes I hate myself and am sure everyone else hates me too, but it is a mood, and it will pass. If there is one thing that IS certain about BP disorder, it is that the mood will pass. Please don't misunderstand me, I don't mean to minimize the suffering of a bad moment. It is just that we have to train ourselves to wait, and really savor the good times when and while they last. And we must remember that in the past we were strong enough to get through some bad moments, so we can draw on the memory and have strength to get through now.