I have two kids. They're both boys. My eldest is 3 years old and the youngest is 2 years old. I know that no two kids are the same, but I was previously married and was a step-mother to two children at this same age for a while. I realize that there are temper tantrums and that it's normal for this age.....but my eldest is above and beyond!

He's the sweetest little boy.....BUT......he's got a horrible temper and is a total control freak. (I know - what toddler isn't?) I'm just trying to find out what worked for some of you.

He SCREAMS at the top of his lungs at his brother, he throws himself on the floor and SCREAMS as soon as we walk through the door when we get home. He's ANGRY that dinner isn't ready yet. He's just a very high maintenance child. I know that what I am writing sounds totally normal - and it is....just take it to the next level.

I feel like I gave birth to two kids that one of which is MISTER MISERABLE. He is just a nasty little child (temper and attiitude).

We do time outs, spankings, and I have taken away his "special toys" and it works for a bit - but not really. I do offer incentives for good behavior and it works, but once he gets what he wants he gets nasty again.

I'm beyond frustrated. I am tired of waking up to him SCREAMING at the top of his lungs for no reason. I am also tired of him being so nasty to the cat and dog and SCREAMING at them.

Any suggestions? Our house is NOT like this at all.....so where is it coming from? His brother is totally opposite. He's quiet, and yeah, he has temper tantrums, but he's just an easier child to parent.

I love them both dearly - so please don't think I am being ugly!

Hi Jennifer, do you think that he is angry? Are you sure that you aren't screaming? Whenever I would dislike a behavior that I saw in my children I could always trace it back to me modeling the behavior first. Do you spend time with your boys doing things with them so that they get to have positive interactions with you? This always worked with my kids. If we get dragged down with our childcare duties I think that it comes across and the children sense our unhappiness and it makes them worse. If we can set a more positive tone it can do wonders. Can you give him a little snack when you get home so that he isn't so hungry? I know how irritable anyone can get when their blood sugar drops. Have you tried to tell him calmly that screaming is not appropriate and then get him to tell you calmly what is wrong? You know, the "use your words" routine? You HAVE to stay calm, though. When the other person starts screaming (which I know is easy to do, I do it) it just escalates the situation and no one learns anything.

Is it possible that he is jealous of his younger brother? He was still pretty much a baby when your second one came along, and he could have formed resentful feelings because your attention and affection had to be split. Maybe try some time with him that is just him and you, no little brother at all. Good luck.

check out Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

That fact that he is a least temporarily responding to the rewards and/or punishments you set out is good. The only suggestion I have is making sure you are consistant and as for the yelling, ignore it. I know easier said than done, but w/ my dd we would quietly respond once that we don't "hear" yelling, and to try again in quiet voice, then we ignored her until she did.

Thanks for everyone's input. The daycare just moved him up to the 3 year old classroom - so maybe he's also going through something due to that change.

I did catch myself raising my voice for a while but we've been paying close attention to keeping the house QUIET as I call it. We want the boys to know when to be quiet, rather than just always being noisey.

Thanks again everyone!

Hi,
I hope my story helps you.

I have already raised my boy - he is now 23 but boy was he hard work! He wasn't angry or agressive but definately thought he ran the house and was disruptive at dinner time, in trouble at school for disruptive behaviour etc.

If he was little now I am sure someone would have stuck him in some behaviour disorder category.

He is a lovely young man now - I am sure I had something to do with it I changed the way I was parenting.

I used to spank, yell, send to his room, take things away from him etc etc so when someone did the something to him he didn't like guess what he'd hit, yell, take things away from the other person order them to go to a room or go away!

I changed the way I dealt with him, for example he was not a morning person so no amount of yelling threatening etc was going to get him to school on time, but me getting organised, up earlier and putting a morning routine in for him changed this part of his life.

Instead of going to school upset and sad he went to school happy and smiling. no more school problems.

I was the problem in my sons behavior, not him.

I now have a beautiful little girl, she is addorable and well behaved, I have a wonderful relationship with her.

There is a fabulous book called Rasining Boys by Steve Biddulph (There is also one for Girls). I have benifited greatly by reading these books.

I hope this helps you.

I really want to think that I am not contributing to his behavior, but it makes perfect sense. Gosh, I feel like a horrible mom now.

I guess it's time to take a step back and see what is happening. We don't spank often at all. These children are FAR from being abused. We do have the morning pressures to "hurry" and get out the door......

Long deep sigh....................

I love my boys and I would hate to think that I AM the one causing this monster in him to come out.......but not his brother?

:(

I really want to think that I am not contributing to his behavior, but it makes perfect sense. Gosh, I feel like a horrible mom now. :(

You shouldn't feel like a horrible mom. It is not written anywhere that when you become a mom, you are no longer allowed to be imperfect. The important thing that we as moms must do, is learn from the mistakes we DO make.

I love my boys and I would hate to think that I AM the one causing this monster in him to come out.......but not his brother?
:(

All children are different. What affects one will not affect another; what works with one will not work with the other. You have to figure out what works for each child, and do that. They are individuals, and they have to be treated that way.

Jennifer, this is what I was trying to say with my post, that frequently we need to look at our behavior. I had to do it and I had to change. I am always considering now what I am doing to either hurt or help a situation with my children. You are not a bad mom! You are just like the rest of us. We are not born knowing how to be very effective mothers. We have to learn. When I needed to change my behavior I had affected my oldest more than the youngest. My oldest was more rebellious and my youngest was the pleaser. Actually, I really affected them both in a negative way, but the youngest internalized her reactions and the oldest externalized it. I have always heard that it harms more to internalize even though to those on the outside the externalizers bother US more.

I have two boys, and one of them sounds just like this - he was diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Also, when children are depressed, often it is expressed as anger. Getting my first son on medication for ADD (also ODD) and depression was a miracle - he's the best kid around, and he even recognizes the fact that he wasn't able to control himself before. We're working on getting the right medication/dosage for my second son. What happened is not your fault - I saw a dramatic change in my children over the course of a couple years that no amount of "use your words" and "inside voices" prompts could fix. The fact that he is mean to animals worries me and is actually one of the diagnosing criteria that psychologists use. If I were you I would get him either into your pediatrician for a referral or into a psychologists office pronto to see about possible course of medication. Don't get me wrong - I'm not one for medicating for behavior problems, but the psychiatrist should go through an extensive evaluation and possibly play therapy session before thinking about medication. But from what you said, it sounds very possibly that you have a 'high needs' child on your hands. Good luck.

A couple of suggestions to all who get frustrated with kids...read "How to Talk so your kids will listen and Listen so your kids will talk"...unsure of the author as the book is at home and I'm at work but it's really helping us at home.
Another good book for those kids who are having a really tough time is called "The difficult child" (I think)...a great read and really covers this kind of child.

Thank you. That really helps to read something and what you wrote sounds so familiar.

Thank you!

I really want to think that I am not contributing to his behavior, but it makes perfect sense. Gosh, I feel like a horrible mom now.

I guess it's time to take a step back and see what is happening. We don't spank often at all. These children are FAR from being abused. We do have the morning pressures to "hurry" and get out the door......

Long deep sigh....................

I love my boys and I would hate to think that I AM the one causing this monster in him to come out.......but not his brother?

:(

You are not a horrible Mom and I didn't think that your children were being abused, and i can tell that you really love them and I am sure they love you to.

All children respond differently to everything that happens to them and around them.

Remember that all relationships take work, even ones with our children :)