hergy
02-14-2007, 01:27 AM
Things we do alone can easily be dismissed as insignificant as they relate to trauma.
I know not to reveal my choices of entertainment to the tiny circle of friends who know about my life's weirdness. My best friend, knowing of a couple of interests, has firmly told me my taste was unhealthy. (By the way, it's not porn.)
Disturbing images run through my head daily. I call them disturbing because that's what they are to a friend if I talk about them. I feel nothing when I see the images or read about them. They don't disturb me.
In film, I don't crave gore or impossible plots, but I crave disturbing content, images and concepts. I never read fiction. That sort of entertainment makes me feel normal. I never have a nightmare associated with a movie or documentary I've seen or a book or article I've read. There are images that will put me into a freeze, ones that push my trauma buttons. But I can't look away. To the other extreme, I enjoy very light, fantasy-like films, no-brainers. Nothing in-between.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here, but I've never asked another person with PTSD what they choose to entertain themselves. A lot of you appear to have crossed over into the 'normal' kingdom of healthy living. Am I hindering progress?
I know not to reveal my choices of entertainment to the tiny circle of friends who know about my life's weirdness. My best friend, knowing of a couple of interests, has firmly told me my taste was unhealthy. (By the way, it's not porn.)
Disturbing images run through my head daily. I call them disturbing because that's what they are to a friend if I talk about them. I feel nothing when I see the images or read about them. They don't disturb me.
In film, I don't crave gore or impossible plots, but I crave disturbing content, images and concepts. I never read fiction. That sort of entertainment makes me feel normal. I never have a nightmare associated with a movie or documentary I've seen or a book or article I've read. There are images that will put me into a freeze, ones that push my trauma buttons. But I can't look away. To the other extreme, I enjoy very light, fantasy-like films, no-brainers. Nothing in-between.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here, but I've never asked another person with PTSD what they choose to entertain themselves. A lot of you appear to have crossed over into the 'normal' kingdom of healthy living. Am I hindering progress?
Sponsor
stick2013
02-14-2007, 05:39 AM
Nikki,
I think that if you look more deeply into the complexities of the mind in your research you will find that these thought patterns can be harmful. If I remember my college days...LOL LONG TIME AGO!!!! There was a study done with I think inmates. They were shown repeated pictures of naked women, with hidden images of BOOTS.... The men eventually associated boots with sexual arousal. So I do think that your thought patterns can hinder you in your recovery mode. I have often said to all of us that we need to change the thought patterns. Hard to do at times, but very much needed...
You have come so far Nikki, that this is one area that would help you to over come the past. You know that all men aren't evil, and nasty. There are some good ones still out there. I have often viewed the world and it's people by thinking that not everyone has an agenda. That there are still some that just care about their fellow man.
Try and change the thoughts that are running around in your head, try and view things with a lighter perspective. Always be on guard, but don't bring the pit bull with you. If you know what I mean.....
Love and hugs..........
Sid
I think that if you look more deeply into the complexities of the mind in your research you will find that these thought patterns can be harmful. If I remember my college days...LOL LONG TIME AGO!!!! There was a study done with I think inmates. They were shown repeated pictures of naked women, with hidden images of BOOTS.... The men eventually associated boots with sexual arousal. So I do think that your thought patterns can hinder you in your recovery mode. I have often said to all of us that we need to change the thought patterns. Hard to do at times, but very much needed...
You have come so far Nikki, that this is one area that would help you to over come the past. You know that all men aren't evil, and nasty. There are some good ones still out there. I have often viewed the world and it's people by thinking that not everyone has an agenda. That there are still some that just care about their fellow man.
Try and change the thoughts that are running around in your head, try and view things with a lighter perspective. Always be on guard, but don't bring the pit bull with you. If you know what I mean.....
Love and hugs..........
Sid
ICC
02-14-2007, 07:42 AM
good morning ladies***** Nikki what you do with visions I believe I also do with thought processes. I could sit endlessly and think about some of my past abuse, I call it building scenarios. Could put myself back in the throws of abuse in a heartbeat and relive it over and over. Now I push it so far out of my life I am amazed that I can. Amazing how different we all are. When i am watching a movie , the news, reading a paper and come across domestic violence I have to change the chanel.It scares me as I then remember all of the abuse of my ex-husband and how many times he could have killed me but I stayed in danger for so many years. I have now pretty much wiped him and the 30 years we spent together out of my mind. I have forgiven myself for staying and allowing this to go on as long as it did. I have also forgiven myself for raising my daughters in that environement. I protected them from most of it but they still knew and saw things I wish they hadn't. I have not forgiven him and hold him accountalbe for all of his abuse. I do believe it hinders the progress as you are living in the traumas still. To me this is another issue that needs some work. you have conquered soooooooo very much and have come out ahead. I have to agree with Sid that it is damaging holding onto the same unhealthy thought processes and behaviours. Your on the "yellow brick road" sweetheart heading into recovery. Stay on this path and you will continue to question all unhealthy behaviours and that is a wonderful thing for you as it is for all of us.
Love,
Grasshopper xo xo
Love,
Grasshopper xo xo
hergy
02-14-2007, 02:48 PM
I understand the prison experiment, Sid. I've got a lot to work on. And I try every stinkin' day to remind myself that all men aren't evil and nasty.
When I was a child, I began a fascination with death, torture and abuse. I never harmed a living thing and didn't want to. I was a very gentle, loving child, more than most.
I wanted to be hurt. I remember seeing documentaries about missing children and being mesmerized, not happy, just frozen and deeply disturbed.
Later, true crime, forensics, suicide, death, torture and deviant behavior captured my attention and never let go.
Asian horror and many independent and foreign films dare to cross the forbidden zone, not with gore, but with deranged concepts and normalization of cold, unfeeling apathy with regard to life and healthy thinking.
I'm not unfeeling, neither do I approve of criminal activity. But the presence of screwed up minds makes me feel less of a freak for the unsettling material that lives in my head.
I have been progressing, but the things I've seen in my head for 31 years have produced a very long movie that would never get out of the editing room. My choices of entertainment often distract me from that 'movie.'
I was a 5-year-old that fantasized about naked men being wrapped in barbed wire. Getting rid of SI was like spitting compared to the thought of losing the material that keeps my sickness company.
I never talk about this stuff with anyone. If you're not sickened by me now, I'd love your help. I don't want to feel like the sick freak I have all my life. After telling you this crap, I probably don't sound very gentle and loving anymore. Please see me. I've always felt like flowers and meadows scattered with chains and blood.
When I was a child, I began a fascination with death, torture and abuse. I never harmed a living thing and didn't want to. I was a very gentle, loving child, more than most.
I wanted to be hurt. I remember seeing documentaries about missing children and being mesmerized, not happy, just frozen and deeply disturbed.
Later, true crime, forensics, suicide, death, torture and deviant behavior captured my attention and never let go.
Asian horror and many independent and foreign films dare to cross the forbidden zone, not with gore, but with deranged concepts and normalization of cold, unfeeling apathy with regard to life and healthy thinking.
I'm not unfeeling, neither do I approve of criminal activity. But the presence of screwed up minds makes me feel less of a freak for the unsettling material that lives in my head.
I have been progressing, but the things I've seen in my head for 31 years have produced a very long movie that would never get out of the editing room. My choices of entertainment often distract me from that 'movie.'
I was a 5-year-old that fantasized about naked men being wrapped in barbed wire. Getting rid of SI was like spitting compared to the thought of losing the material that keeps my sickness company.
I never talk about this stuff with anyone. If you're not sickened by me now, I'd love your help. I don't want to feel like the sick freak I have all my life. After telling you this crap, I probably don't sound very gentle and loving anymore. Please see me. I've always felt like flowers and meadows scattered with chains and blood.
ICC
02-14-2007, 03:19 PM
Nikki^^^^^^^^^^ "The presence of screwed up minds makes me feel less of a freak for the unsettling material that lives in my head". Read your words a few times over and over. I did.
I think you are using this type of entertainment so that "your movie never has to be edited" as then it would all be a reality and as long as it's happening to someone else your's doesn't have to be dealt with, someone else has it worse. Mine isn't that bad. there are worse horrors out there. Nikki this is just my thoughts. Please feel free to kick my butt if I am way off target or have misunderstood or slighted your feeling sin any way.
I know you posted this to Sid but I have to tell you that you are still the sweet, loving young woman I saw at first and will continue to be. Nothing you say or do could ever sicken me and I'm sure there will be many others behind me who feel the same way. I know that was hard for you but am glad you were able to post it.
Love you,
Grasshopper xo
I think you are using this type of entertainment so that "your movie never has to be edited" as then it would all be a reality and as long as it's happening to someone else your's doesn't have to be dealt with, someone else has it worse. Mine isn't that bad. there are worse horrors out there. Nikki this is just my thoughts. Please feel free to kick my butt if I am way off target or have misunderstood or slighted your feeling sin any way.
I know you posted this to Sid but I have to tell you that you are still the sweet, loving young woman I saw at first and will continue to be. Nothing you say or do could ever sicken me and I'm sure there will be many others behind me who feel the same way. I know that was hard for you but am glad you were able to post it.
Love you,
Grasshopper xo
hergy
02-14-2007, 03:35 PM
....you are still the sweet, loving young woman I saw at first and will continue to be. Nothing you say or do could ever sicken me and I'm sure there will be many others behind me who feel the same way. I know that was hard for you but am glad you were able to post it.
The post was intended for both of you. And I can't tell you how relieved I am that you're still cool with me. And that part that I quoted up there, I'll be crying about that on and off all day. Thank you so much.
I think you are using this type of entertainment so that "your movie never has to be edited" as then it would all be a reality and as long as it's happening to someone else your's doesn't have to be dealt with, someone else has it worse. Mine isn't that bad. there are worse horrors out there.
Wow. As overwhelming as this whole issue is to me, you pulled it into reality and summed up the problem quite well, especially when you said, "as long as it's happening to someone else your's doesn't have to be dealt with....Mine isn't that bad." I never thought of that, but it's true.
"The presence of screwed up minds makes me feel less of a freak for the unsettling material that lives in my head." Read your words a few times over and over. I did.
I read it again, too, but I think I'm missing something. Your take has been wonderful. Please tell me what you're thinking about that statement.
I love you, ICC. You weren't judgemental. You never are. That beautiful quality sent some peace my way.
Nikki
The post was intended for both of you. And I can't tell you how relieved I am that you're still cool with me. And that part that I quoted up there, I'll be crying about that on and off all day. Thank you so much.
I think you are using this type of entertainment so that "your movie never has to be edited" as then it would all be a reality and as long as it's happening to someone else your's doesn't have to be dealt with, someone else has it worse. Mine isn't that bad. there are worse horrors out there.
Wow. As overwhelming as this whole issue is to me, you pulled it into reality and summed up the problem quite well, especially when you said, "as long as it's happening to someone else your's doesn't have to be dealt with....Mine isn't that bad." I never thought of that, but it's true.
"The presence of screwed up minds makes me feel less of a freak for the unsettling material that lives in my head." Read your words a few times over and over. I did.
I read it again, too, but I think I'm missing something. Your take has been wonderful. Please tell me what you're thinking about that statement.
I love you, ICC. You weren't judgemental. You never are. That beautiful quality sent some peace my way.
Nikki
stick2013
02-14-2007, 03:47 PM
Dear Nikki,
I DO UNDERSTAND what you are going through. Part of it is the nature of the beast, and part of it is because you never got the proper help after the actual rape. Had you received the right care afterwards your thought patterns wouldn't be as disturbing as they are today. You would have been taught HOW to deal with your emotions, and today your thoughts would be different entirely. You would know today that YOU did NOTHING wrong, there IS NOTHING WRONG with YOU, that the boys that did this to you were the perpetrators, and they were wrong!!!!! You would have some emotional crap that we all go through, but NOT to the severity that you have today.
Your mother not being able to console you, to validate you, to understand, and nurture you has warped your sense of YOU!!!!!!! Because she couldn't help you, I feel that you took this(when you were a child) to be an indication that YOU were the BAD ONE!!!!!! There fore you feel in your head that YOU must be punished. You also see the men being punished.
As long as you have these dreams, or thoughts, I don't think that you can totally heal. YOU have to be able to come to terms with the rape as a 4yr old. You are 34 yrs old, and YOU KNOW that 4 yr old could do NOTHING to stop a bunch of boys. It all comes down to you ACCEPTING the fact that YOU couldn't have stopped them, and YOU need to stop punishing yourself. Weather you do it through visions, dreams, or SI..... What you are telling yourself over and over is that YOU WERE BAD!!!! YOU WERE NOT BAD, YOU WERE 4 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!
I don't care if you have to stand in front of a mirror for 8 hrs a day, and tell yourself again, and again that " I am a good person, I did nothing wrong, I couldn't have stopped them, I was only 4. I will love myself for the person that I have become, for the beautiful person that I am, and for the loving nature I have evolved into." Just stop punishing yourself for something that YOU had NO CONTROL over......
I love you!!!!!
ps.....It is NEVER going to stop snowing. They just upped the amount possible to 30 inches....YUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
Sid
I DO UNDERSTAND what you are going through. Part of it is the nature of the beast, and part of it is because you never got the proper help after the actual rape. Had you received the right care afterwards your thought patterns wouldn't be as disturbing as they are today. You would have been taught HOW to deal with your emotions, and today your thoughts would be different entirely. You would know today that YOU did NOTHING wrong, there IS NOTHING WRONG with YOU, that the boys that did this to you were the perpetrators, and they were wrong!!!!! You would have some emotional crap that we all go through, but NOT to the severity that you have today.
Your mother not being able to console you, to validate you, to understand, and nurture you has warped your sense of YOU!!!!!!! Because she couldn't help you, I feel that you took this(when you were a child) to be an indication that YOU were the BAD ONE!!!!!! There fore you feel in your head that YOU must be punished. You also see the men being punished.
As long as you have these dreams, or thoughts, I don't think that you can totally heal. YOU have to be able to come to terms with the rape as a 4yr old. You are 34 yrs old, and YOU KNOW that 4 yr old could do NOTHING to stop a bunch of boys. It all comes down to you ACCEPTING the fact that YOU couldn't have stopped them, and YOU need to stop punishing yourself. Weather you do it through visions, dreams, or SI..... What you are telling yourself over and over is that YOU WERE BAD!!!! YOU WERE NOT BAD, YOU WERE 4 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!
I don't care if you have to stand in front of a mirror for 8 hrs a day, and tell yourself again, and again that " I am a good person, I did nothing wrong, I couldn't have stopped them, I was only 4. I will love myself for the person that I have become, for the beautiful person that I am, and for the loving nature I have evolved into." Just stop punishing yourself for something that YOU had NO CONTROL over......
I love you!!!!!
ps.....It is NEVER going to stop snowing. They just upped the amount possible to 30 inches....YUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
Sid
Sannah
02-14-2007, 03:54 PM
Nikki, you are a beautiful, wonderful, sensitive and intelligent woman who had something horrific happen to her and you were never allowed to let it out or process it. That horrific act was not allowed to escape from you because your mother just couldn't handle it. This is what happened when that horrific act could not leave you. You are still that beautiful woman Nikki.
ICC
02-14-2007, 03:58 PM
Nikki-----your statement, to me, coming from you, about being a freak means that you still see youself as a freak ( and I did threaten to slap you once for that, don't make me go there):eek: and I really pray that you stop thinking of yourself in those terms because YOU ARE NOT A FREAK! So when you entertain yourself with the nightmares of the world it makes you feel less of a freak because there are some atrocities out there, crimes people commit, horrors against humanity. I believe you are comparing your own life and self to this. Nikki, I know you are working so very hard but I want you to look in your own eyes in the mirrow and let me know what you see. Do you see hurt, pain, sadness, fear and tears right on the surface? or do you see a freak? Look long and deep in your eyes, heart and soul and come back and tell me who you are. I will say a quick prayer that God opens your soul so you can see the real you and not this person you imagine you are.
I love you,:angel:
Grasshopper xo
I love you,:angel:
Grasshopper xo
hergy
02-14-2007, 06:15 PM
Had you received the right care afterwards your thought patterns wouldn't be as disturbing as they are today.
That I do know. Sid, that fills me with so much anger I don't know where to pour the red hot feelings. I was a happy daisy that felt every petal violently torn away until the flower didn't even look like a flower anymore. In fact, it forgot it was a flower.
Your mother not being able to console you, to validate you, to understand, and nurture you has warped your sense of YOU!! I wish I lived near your insight. You're spot on, and 'warped' is the perfect word.
Because she couldn't help you, I feel that you took this(when you were a child) to be an indication that YOU were the BAD ONE. Definitely. I tried typing my understanding of that one, but it just kept not making sense. My emotions and intellect are having an argument so I'm on my own in the make-sense department. I do get it, though.
Like you said, I keep telling myself that I'm bad. I've done it all my life. Ashamed of every thought and action, I have always been extremely uptight and consumed with guilt.
I would never tell a child abuse victim that they were bad because they aren't. No kid asks for that. They can't even make sense of what happened, much less be held accountable. But I put myself in some nonexistent category designed just for the bad girls like me.
I started remembering certain aspects of that summer years before the big flashbacks. The biggest reason I never mentioned it is that I thought the 'game' was my idea. Shame kept my mouth shut. I guess it still does.
I want to look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm a good person but I feel like it's not true and that I'm only lying to myself.
I thought about what you said. I am punishing myself for something I couldn't control. Sounds stupid when I say it in my head, but doing that feels comfortable, like the right fit.
Please don't think I'm trying to be difficult. I'm trying really hard to work through this crap. I don't express emotion very well, but my second post on this thread took a lot out of me. I felt like I skinned myself. I was a mass of jello typing away. You've helped me so much. I wanted your advice. You haven't steered me wrong and you're full of love.
I love you!
Nikki
ps.....SNOW...YUCK?....NEVER!
That I do know. Sid, that fills me with so much anger I don't know where to pour the red hot feelings. I was a happy daisy that felt every petal violently torn away until the flower didn't even look like a flower anymore. In fact, it forgot it was a flower.
Your mother not being able to console you, to validate you, to understand, and nurture you has warped your sense of YOU!! I wish I lived near your insight. You're spot on, and 'warped' is the perfect word.
Because she couldn't help you, I feel that you took this(when you were a child) to be an indication that YOU were the BAD ONE. Definitely. I tried typing my understanding of that one, but it just kept not making sense. My emotions and intellect are having an argument so I'm on my own in the make-sense department. I do get it, though.
Like you said, I keep telling myself that I'm bad. I've done it all my life. Ashamed of every thought and action, I have always been extremely uptight and consumed with guilt.
I would never tell a child abuse victim that they were bad because they aren't. No kid asks for that. They can't even make sense of what happened, much less be held accountable. But I put myself in some nonexistent category designed just for the bad girls like me.
I started remembering certain aspects of that summer years before the big flashbacks. The biggest reason I never mentioned it is that I thought the 'game' was my idea. Shame kept my mouth shut. I guess it still does.
I want to look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm a good person but I feel like it's not true and that I'm only lying to myself.
I thought about what you said. I am punishing myself for something I couldn't control. Sounds stupid when I say it in my head, but doing that feels comfortable, like the right fit.
Please don't think I'm trying to be difficult. I'm trying really hard to work through this crap. I don't express emotion very well, but my second post on this thread took a lot out of me. I felt like I skinned myself. I was a mass of jello typing away. You've helped me so much. I wanted your advice. You haven't steered me wrong and you're full of love.
I love you!
Nikki
ps.....SNOW...YUCK?....NEVER!
hergy
02-14-2007, 06:38 PM
....your statement, to me, coming from you, about being a freak means that you still see youself as a freak....So when you entertain yourself with the nightmares of the world it makes you feel less of a freak
You rock, ICC. Thank you so much for the explanation. That idea must have flown clear over my head. It makes so much sense. (I didn't forget that I'm not supposed to refer to myself as a freak anymore. I was trying really hard to step around it. Guess I missed one.:rolleyes: )
I want you to look in your own eyes in the mirrow and let me know what you see. Do you see hurt, pain, sadness, fear and tears right on the surface? or do you see a freak? Look long and deep in your eyes, heart and soul and come back and tell me who you are. I will. I need some time with that one. I want to do it right.
Thank you for your loyalty and attention.
Love You!
Nikki
You rock, ICC. Thank you so much for the explanation. That idea must have flown clear over my head. It makes so much sense. (I didn't forget that I'm not supposed to refer to myself as a freak anymore. I was trying really hard to step around it. Guess I missed one.:rolleyes: )
I want you to look in your own eyes in the mirrow and let me know what you see. Do you see hurt, pain, sadness, fear and tears right on the surface? or do you see a freak? Look long and deep in your eyes, heart and soul and come back and tell me who you are. I will. I need some time with that one. I want to do it right.
Thank you for your loyalty and attention.
Love You!
Nikki
hergy
02-14-2007, 06:51 PM
We all know how much each of us have suffered, and how it has affected us, so we DO NOT JUDGE!!!!!
I feel like a dumb kid, but I always assume everybody's dealing with such overwhelmingly difficult issues without letting their minds slip into the gutter.
Thanks for your kind words. I don't judge either, but I always expect it because I judge myself.
Retrain my brain - I'll try. Two minutes a day of good me thoughts.
Thanks.
I love you!
Nikki
ps....Careful going outside. I slipped on the ice at work in Worcester, smacked my head on the pavement and got a concussion. I have absolutely no memory of the week that followed. I'm sure I didn't miss much, but be careful anyway!
I feel like a dumb kid, but I always assume everybody's dealing with such overwhelmingly difficult issues without letting their minds slip into the gutter.
Thanks for your kind words. I don't judge either, but I always expect it because I judge myself.
Retrain my brain - I'll try. Two minutes a day of good me thoughts.
Thanks.
I love you!
Nikki
ps....Careful going outside. I slipped on the ice at work in Worcester, smacked my head on the pavement and got a concussion. I have absolutely no memory of the week that followed. I'm sure I didn't miss much, but be careful anyway!
dustoffkid
02-14-2007, 06:52 PM
"The presence of screwed up minds makes me feel less of a freak for the unsettling material that lives in my head."
First of all, I hope y'all don't mind me joining in. I feel like I know you all, and I am trying hard to let you know me. We all have those boundary issues.
What you wrote, Nikki, had a strong effect on me. On the one hand everyone (or almost) must have some level of this or Dr Phil and even Jerry Springer wouldn't be popular enough to have TV shows. I think that all of us get relief of some sort in seeing that others may be just a little more screwed up than we are.
Movies... there are some movies that I just don't watch; they trigger the shakes or whatever the symptom du jour happens to be. I can watch war movies though, isn't that weird? You'd think that would be especially bad for me but for some reason it isn't.
Anyway, you are hardly a freak, or at least no more than any of the rest of us. You have your images, Sid and Grasshopper have theirs, I have mine. You should see some of the paintings I've done. Whoof.
Dustoff
p.s. snow snow snow...12 feet, just south of here, and I don't dare walk the dog without her lead as I am afraid she'll disappear into a snow bank...
First of all, I hope y'all don't mind me joining in. I feel like I know you all, and I am trying hard to let you know me. We all have those boundary issues.
What you wrote, Nikki, had a strong effect on me. On the one hand everyone (or almost) must have some level of this or Dr Phil and even Jerry Springer wouldn't be popular enough to have TV shows. I think that all of us get relief of some sort in seeing that others may be just a little more screwed up than we are.
Movies... there are some movies that I just don't watch; they trigger the shakes or whatever the symptom du jour happens to be. I can watch war movies though, isn't that weird? You'd think that would be especially bad for me but for some reason it isn't.
Anyway, you are hardly a freak, or at least no more than any of the rest of us. You have your images, Sid and Grasshopper have theirs, I have mine. You should see some of the paintings I've done. Whoof.
Dustoff
p.s. snow snow snow...12 feet, just south of here, and I don't dare walk the dog without her lead as I am afraid she'll disappear into a snow bank...
stick2013
02-14-2007, 06:57 PM
I slipped on ice a few yrs ago, and busted my tailbone... NOW THAT HURT...OMG walking, sitting. bending, laying down, LIVING HURT!!!!!!!!!!:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
You really do have to retrain your brain to think positive thoughts....
Dustoff have you been muddling in my thoughts again?????? Yes I have weird thoughts too, but I try to push them out real fast, cause if I don't they tend to take over.........
Hugs,
Sid
You really do have to retrain your brain to think positive thoughts....
Dustoff have you been muddling in my thoughts again?????? Yes I have weird thoughts too, but I try to push them out real fast, cause if I don't they tend to take over.........
Hugs,
Sid
hergy
02-14-2007, 07:02 PM
On the one hand everyone (or almost) must have some level of this or Dr Phil and even Jerry Springer wouldn't be popular enough to have TV shows. I think that all of us get relief of some sort in seeing that others may be just a little more screwed up than we are.
I think it's awesome that you joined in!
And that's an excellent point. I never looked at it that way. That crap I feed my mind feeds lots of other minds, as well. There's actually a market for it!
I like the way you look at this. Thanks so much for posting.
Take care up there!
Love,
Nikki
ps: No fair about the snow! We've got nothing. We've always got nothing.
I think it's awesome that you joined in!
And that's an excellent point. I never looked at it that way. That crap I feed my mind feeds lots of other minds, as well. There's actually a market for it!
I like the way you look at this. Thanks so much for posting.
Take care up there!
Love,
Nikki
ps: No fair about the snow! We've got nothing. We've always got nothing.
hergy
02-14-2007, 07:06 PM
I slipped on ice a few yrs ago, and busted my tailbone... NOW THAT HURT...OMG walking, sitting. bending, laying down, LIVING HURT!!!
Hmmmm. If I had to choose, I'd still have gone with the head. Broken tailbones do sound very painful. I don't remember any pain, or much else for that matter.
I'll begin the retraining today.:wave:
Love you!
Nikki
Hmmmm. If I had to choose, I'd still have gone with the head. Broken tailbones do sound very painful. I don't remember any pain, or much else for that matter.
I'll begin the retraining today.:wave:
Love you!
Nikki
dustoffkid
02-14-2007, 07:07 PM
There's actually a market for it!
LOL, actually the paintings that were from the darkest reaches of my subconsious were always the ones that people most wanted to buy (the Dr. Phil theory again?). But I wouldn't sell them. It's be like selling my diary, or something. If I kept one. Which I don't. :)
And I'd take the head too. Busted tailbone? Ouch.
LOL, actually the paintings that were from the darkest reaches of my subconsious were always the ones that people most wanted to buy (the Dr. Phil theory again?). But I wouldn't sell them. It's be like selling my diary, or something. If I kept one. Which I don't. :)
And I'd take the head too. Busted tailbone? Ouch.
ICC
02-14-2007, 07:08 PM
Hi all----- It has been another good day here. learned alot.
Nikki**** when you do this looking in your own eyes there is no right or wrong way to do it. I just wanted to know what/who you see. When you look in your own heart and soul you know you are not bad and never have been.Just a sweet little girl who was abused. Now when you look you will probably see her but I am hoping you can clearly see the lovely young woman who is kind to the bone. Take your time. I 'm not talking about looking in your mind . OK? but looking in your heart and soul.
Dustoff---for some reson I am not seeing posts for awhile sometimes overnight. I love the way you look at this issue as you are right. The world likes these visions. people like to know it's not them, that someone else has it worse. We were all rpogrammed as children with our own identity and then the traumas and the avenue our lives took added to the mix. I used to watch Montel because he always had some sort of horror situations on. Not being much of a TV person I no longer watch any of them as I am trying to focus on my problems. I swear sometimes subconciously you come away from the other's crap with your own thoughts jumbled up.
Love and Hugs,
Grasshopper:D
Nikki**** when you do this looking in your own eyes there is no right or wrong way to do it. I just wanted to know what/who you see. When you look in your own heart and soul you know you are not bad and never have been.Just a sweet little girl who was abused. Now when you look you will probably see her but I am hoping you can clearly see the lovely young woman who is kind to the bone. Take your time. I 'm not talking about looking in your mind . OK? but looking in your heart and soul.
Dustoff---for some reson I am not seeing posts for awhile sometimes overnight. I love the way you look at this issue as you are right. The world likes these visions. people like to know it's not them, that someone else has it worse. We were all rpogrammed as children with our own identity and then the traumas and the avenue our lives took added to the mix. I used to watch Montel because he always had some sort of horror situations on. Not being much of a TV person I no longer watch any of them as I am trying to focus on my problems. I swear sometimes subconciously you come away from the other's crap with your own thoughts jumbled up.
Love and Hugs,
Grasshopper:D
Sannah
02-15-2007, 01:20 PM
First of all, I hope y'all don't mind me joining in. I feel like I know you all, and I am trying hard to let you know me. We all have those boundary issues.
Dustoff, this is a big step for you then! I am so happy that you have taken it!
Dustoff, this is a big step for you then! I am so happy that you have taken it!
zencat
02-16-2007, 12:29 AM
I don’t often see myself in others.
I have known for some time that there are many features of PTSD that we share. I just don’t hear about the shared interests that often. I used tell my family why I liked the movies I did and when my family would question why.
I thought such disturbing images were so hilarious, I would reply; its just harmless entertainment , that isn’t real, it’s a healthy expression of hidden desires.
I know why I watched the things I did . I was watching my desire to hurt the one who hurt me. I could see the hidden expression of my revenge that was in my head and on the screen . I could not mutilate and destroy the object of my hate. I could watch it happen. The movies were a replacement for the animal cruelty I engaged in as a kid. And when I found drugs and extreme horror movies, I lost interest in the cruelty. So in a way, the movies did help me displace the rage onto something less destructive and hateful.
Today I don’t watch nearly as many horror movies as I used to. And my taste are more refined and lean to the highly stylized macabre and bazaar with twisted plots. Where as before, I almost felt compelled to watch slice and dice horror movies exclusively. Even now I feel driven to be as graphic as I can with this post. Must…….. Resist………Temptation…… However it is hard for me not to watch ….Springer effect…BaaawwHaahahahha.
I am in the process of change and that means for me: garbage in, garbage out….I am what I eat….and I’m not a zombie any more…no brains for me thank you….and yet I just am unwilling or to stubborn to give up the freaky flicks. And I think my cat would agree.
Thanks Nikki for bring this subject up. :eek: And for bringing up the conflicted feelings I have about disturbing images. :dizzy:
Hugs
Zencat.
I have known for some time that there are many features of PTSD that we share. I just don’t hear about the shared interests that often. I used tell my family why I liked the movies I did and when my family would question why.
I thought such disturbing images were so hilarious, I would reply; its just harmless entertainment , that isn’t real, it’s a healthy expression of hidden desires.
I know why I watched the things I did . I was watching my desire to hurt the one who hurt me. I could see the hidden expression of my revenge that was in my head and on the screen . I could not mutilate and destroy the object of my hate. I could watch it happen. The movies were a replacement for the animal cruelty I engaged in as a kid. And when I found drugs and extreme horror movies, I lost interest in the cruelty. So in a way, the movies did help me displace the rage onto something less destructive and hateful.
Today I don’t watch nearly as many horror movies as I used to. And my taste are more refined and lean to the highly stylized macabre and bazaar with twisted plots. Where as before, I almost felt compelled to watch slice and dice horror movies exclusively. Even now I feel driven to be as graphic as I can with this post. Must…….. Resist………Temptation…… However it is hard for me not to watch ….Springer effect…BaaawwHaahahahha.
I am in the process of change and that means for me: garbage in, garbage out….I am what I eat….and I’m not a zombie any more…no brains for me thank you….and yet I just am unwilling or to stubborn to give up the freaky flicks. And I think my cat would agree.
Thanks Nikki for bring this subject up. :eek: And for bringing up the conflicted feelings I have about disturbing images. :dizzy:
Hugs
Zencat.
hergy
02-16-2007, 12:59 AM
....it is hard for me not to watch....I just am unwilling or to stubborn to give up the freaky flicks.
Zencat,
I'm so glad you posted. I was hoping you'd share your take. I had a feeling we shared a craving for the frightfully unconventional.
Those 'highly stylized macabre and bazarre' productions draw me like a moth to a flame. I relate to the victim, but somehow can enjoy the power experienced by the aggressor. Power and control are missing in my life. I get that from these films.
So I, too, am stubborn and unwilling to leave the freaky flicks. I mentioned before that I've always been meadows and flowers scattered with chains and blood. I know I can't explain my attraction to this entertainment on the boards, but I'm impressed by the harmony I see in artistic expression and hopeless horror. 'Pleasant' entertainment is so boring and unfulfilling.
Since I was a kid, I was a nature lover. I'd sit and watch ants for so long to marvel at their strength and building skills. They worked together. A community of pleasant creatures. I once found a dead bird. I asked my mom for a box in which to bury it and I dug a hole, placed it gently inside and sorrowfully covered it.
Still, my fantasies and thoughts were violent. I craved torture and abuse. I still do. I'm not aggressive, but I appreciate the role of an aggressor because only an aggressor can fulfill my fantasies.
I think you understand and I'm grateful you're here.
Lots of love,
Nikki
Zencat,
I'm so glad you posted. I was hoping you'd share your take. I had a feeling we shared a craving for the frightfully unconventional.
Those 'highly stylized macabre and bazarre' productions draw me like a moth to a flame. I relate to the victim, but somehow can enjoy the power experienced by the aggressor. Power and control are missing in my life. I get that from these films.
So I, too, am stubborn and unwilling to leave the freaky flicks. I mentioned before that I've always been meadows and flowers scattered with chains and blood. I know I can't explain my attraction to this entertainment on the boards, but I'm impressed by the harmony I see in artistic expression and hopeless horror. 'Pleasant' entertainment is so boring and unfulfilling.
Since I was a kid, I was a nature lover. I'd sit and watch ants for so long to marvel at their strength and building skills. They worked together. A community of pleasant creatures. I once found a dead bird. I asked my mom for a box in which to bury it and I dug a hole, placed it gently inside and sorrowfully covered it.
Still, my fantasies and thoughts were violent. I craved torture and abuse. I still do. I'm not aggressive, but I appreciate the role of an aggressor because only an aggressor can fulfill my fantasies.
I think you understand and I'm grateful you're here.
Lots of love,
Nikki
finegane
02-16-2007, 01:27 AM
Sort of along the same lines...I don't know if this is just me, but sometimes I daydream about circumstances that would lead to bad things, sometimes resulting in my injury or something that would call attention to me in some way. Like when I'm riding the train to school sometimes, I make up this story in my head about the train tipping over and me running to the other side so I can hang on to a pole and won't get crushed. Usually, I save the day, haha...I'd be the first one crying in the corner. I don't like scary movies, I never have, the only one I've ever seen is What Lies Beneath, and I saw most of it through my fingers.
ICC
02-16-2007, 03:03 PM
you all know my thoughts on the issue but reading all of your posts I am starting to wonder if this is just harmelss entertainment and because of your pasts have felt there was something wrong with it. Let's take a person, and I'm sure there are millions, that do not have any phsycological disorders. They enjoy the same sort of entertainment. Would that be a problem or would it just be their taste in entertainment. Speculate further so I understand. :dizzy:
Love and hugs,
Grasshopper
Love and hugs,
Grasshopper
zencat
02-16-2007, 11:47 PM
:eek:
Nikki you pointed out ~ “I relate to the victim, but somehow can enjoy the power experienced by the aggressor. Power and control are missing in my life. I get that from these films.”
As a child I lost my control of a basic body function with the enema ill-treat. I too would identify with the aggressor as a way to regain power and the relationship between the villain and victim was played out in my head all the time. Its if seeing it in a movie brought visual expression to that fantasy of revenge. But this time the roles were reversed. I invaded the body, hence the gore, I controlled the internal organs.
As I think of the victims in the movies, I can see the helplessness in my own experience. I could not predict with certainty when the abuse would occur, the sudden change of emotion from innocent playing, to dread, to fear, to anger, to the collapse into dejection. The horror movies had them all and would often times happen quickly. Just like the abuse. Out of the blue and into the blackness of extreme emotional multiplicity.
The killers in the moves are often times devoid of such jumbled feelings, cold with the focus of a predator. Unmoved by panic and fear. A similar state I share. I have almost no startle reflex and being around emotional people moves me little. Present danger draws little response from me as well. I am not impress when my life is in jeopardy. I watch with detachment and reflect slightly when danger passes.
When I’m alone: I don’t watch horror as often as I did, but when I do I’m mesmerized. Today I try to watch emotionally charged movies of life’s drama . Stores of dejection and despair, along with movies with odd characters in dark comedies suit my fancy. When I’m in company of others, I’ll watch whatever they are watching even suggesting moves of heart warming stories of personal empowerment.
You are complex my friend, as I am. I believe we seek expression but fear our strengths and control over them. I believe you paint? I as well, I consider myself an artist of sorts. My friend Sue is one too. That’s what I am fond of: artistic expressive people. I see relationships within context and test them against the background of my imagination and shadows of dream.
Grasshopper, I want to check-in with you, but I expect Sue will be back shortly and wish to chill with her, I want to chat my wise friend. Until then, enjoy the evening.
Nikki, I to want to check-in with you too. And go around and say hi to my other friends here.
Luv…Zencat...:)
Nikki you pointed out ~ “I relate to the victim, but somehow can enjoy the power experienced by the aggressor. Power and control are missing in my life. I get that from these films.”
As a child I lost my control of a basic body function with the enema ill-treat. I too would identify with the aggressor as a way to regain power and the relationship between the villain and victim was played out in my head all the time. Its if seeing it in a movie brought visual expression to that fantasy of revenge. But this time the roles were reversed. I invaded the body, hence the gore, I controlled the internal organs.
As I think of the victims in the movies, I can see the helplessness in my own experience. I could not predict with certainty when the abuse would occur, the sudden change of emotion from innocent playing, to dread, to fear, to anger, to the collapse into dejection. The horror movies had them all and would often times happen quickly. Just like the abuse. Out of the blue and into the blackness of extreme emotional multiplicity.
The killers in the moves are often times devoid of such jumbled feelings, cold with the focus of a predator. Unmoved by panic and fear. A similar state I share. I have almost no startle reflex and being around emotional people moves me little. Present danger draws little response from me as well. I am not impress when my life is in jeopardy. I watch with detachment and reflect slightly when danger passes.
When I’m alone: I don’t watch horror as often as I did, but when I do I’m mesmerized. Today I try to watch emotionally charged movies of life’s drama . Stores of dejection and despair, along with movies with odd characters in dark comedies suit my fancy. When I’m in company of others, I’ll watch whatever they are watching even suggesting moves of heart warming stories of personal empowerment.
You are complex my friend, as I am. I believe we seek expression but fear our strengths and control over them. I believe you paint? I as well, I consider myself an artist of sorts. My friend Sue is one too. That’s what I am fond of: artistic expressive people. I see relationships within context and test them against the background of my imagination and shadows of dream.
Grasshopper, I want to check-in with you, but I expect Sue will be back shortly and wish to chill with her, I want to chat my wise friend. Until then, enjoy the evening.
Nikki, I to want to check-in with you too. And go around and say hi to my other friends here.
Luv…Zencat...:)
ICC
02-17-2007, 08:33 AM
zencat and Nikki---Am I understanding that this is a way to relive your traumas but while watching someone else in your place? I hear the word revenge alot and wonder if that's what is is all about. watching these atrociticies gives you some sort of peace as if it gives you the dream of getting "back at" your abusers? help me to undertand. I still believe it could be harmeless since neither of you act on the visions. 100,000,000 people atch this form of entertainment and have no disorders or traumas in the past. the only thing that worrie sme is that I wonder if it is holding you in the past.
:confused: Grasshopper
:confused: Grasshopper
stick2013
02-17-2007, 12:01 PM
Dear ICC,
I believe that you are correct in your assessment of Nikki, and Zencat. Their choice of movies and entertainment is a reflection of their hidden anger, and they use the entertainment to seek their revenge on their abusers or on themselves if they feel that they were to blame for the abuse. It is holding them in the past also. They have NOT YET dealt with the main issue........
ANGER It is this that holds them both back. They have not been able to understand where their anger needs to be directed, how to directed it in a healthy manner, and then how to let it go, forgive, and move on.... My opinion only.......
I hope that one day they can overcome this.....
Hugs,
Sid
I believe that you are correct in your assessment of Nikki, and Zencat. Their choice of movies and entertainment is a reflection of their hidden anger, and they use the entertainment to seek their revenge on their abusers or on themselves if they feel that they were to blame for the abuse. It is holding them in the past also. They have NOT YET dealt with the main issue........
ANGER It is this that holds them both back. They have not been able to understand where their anger needs to be directed, how to directed it in a healthy manner, and then how to let it go, forgive, and move on.... My opinion only.......
I hope that one day they can overcome this.....
Hugs,
Sid
dustoffkid
02-17-2007, 12:17 PM
Grasshopper,
You in my head again?
I was thinking along those same lines; revenge seems to be an underlying common thread for the two of them. That being said, perhaps now that it's been identified it will become less of a presence. These things do take work, but the first step (for me) is identifying the problem. Sort of like turning on the light in the bedroom closet to see the monsters that are living there.
In any case, I applaud everyone for bringing it out and laying it on the table.
Dustoff
p.s. it's snowing again. :eek:
You in my head again?
I was thinking along those same lines; revenge seems to be an underlying common thread for the two of them. That being said, perhaps now that it's been identified it will become less of a presence. These things do take work, but the first step (for me) is identifying the problem. Sort of like turning on the light in the bedroom closet to see the monsters that are living there.
In any case, I applaud everyone for bringing it out and laying it on the table.
Dustoff
p.s. it's snowing again. :eek:
ICC
02-17-2007, 01:36 PM
Hi all --- first please stop using the word SNOW!!!! I am so sick of the snow and especially the ICE that surrounds everything right now. it's like taking your life in your hands everytime you walk out the door.:eek: Sid and Dustoff, I am truly seeing zen and Nikki's issues in two different ways right now. ANGER, NOT ACCEPTING AND DEALING WITH THE ISSUE is my primary concern BUT do believe that some just have a different taste for the macabre.
Nikki and Zen --- please try what I did. I wrote and I mean wrote to my abusers and was very graphic when I did about the abuse what they did to me and what they made me feel like and how it reuined my life. then I got nasty and told them how I felt about them and that they WOULD BE ACCOUNTABLE for what they did to me for all of their lives. When I started my burning ritual I was talking to them quite loudly and saying how this burning of theior abuse was the end of it for me, no matter what. I have not forgiven them but am indifferent towards them. I have nothing to do with them and have no feeling good or bad towards them. They don't exist in the world I live in now. You have to do this when you are alone and prepared for writing it like it is. Get it all out on paper and then burn the abuse along with the letter. you have to be committed to this for it to be beneficial. My mother and first husband creep in my mind periodically but it is so different now. no pain, no hurt no anything. no feeling at all towards them. Please don't think that if you do this and get rid of your past that you are excusing them. I don't excuse anyone who has tramatized me. But it is there life now, their issue . no longer mine. Nikki have you looked in your heart and sould yet?
Love you all,
Grasshopper
Nikki and Zen --- please try what I did. I wrote and I mean wrote to my abusers and was very graphic when I did about the abuse what they did to me and what they made me feel like and how it reuined my life. then I got nasty and told them how I felt about them and that they WOULD BE ACCOUNTABLE for what they did to me for all of their lives. When I started my burning ritual I was talking to them quite loudly and saying how this burning of theior abuse was the end of it for me, no matter what. I have not forgiven them but am indifferent towards them. I have nothing to do with them and have no feeling good or bad towards them. They don't exist in the world I live in now. You have to do this when you are alone and prepared for writing it like it is. Get it all out on paper and then burn the abuse along with the letter. you have to be committed to this for it to be beneficial. My mother and first husband creep in my mind periodically but it is so different now. no pain, no hurt no anything. no feeling at all towards them. Please don't think that if you do this and get rid of your past that you are excusing them. I don't excuse anyone who has tramatized me. But it is there life now, their issue . no longer mine. Nikki have you looked in your heart and sould yet?
Love you all,
Grasshopper
hergy
02-19-2007, 01:27 AM
ICC, I haven't worked on my mirror assignment. Like I said, I need time. Especially since today is surreal. The pelvic exam is hours away, and I'm miles away.
I understand the anger that an abused child later has at his/her abuser because adults should provide stability, trust and security. When those elements are lost, so much impact is received by the abused.
My abusers were children. I have a difficult time placing blame because I know the source lies with someone I never met. Plus, the oldest boy is dead. He has paid for his transgressions. My anger can't find a person. It only finds hate for the screwed up life I lead. My treatment made me crave ugly things. I look at four-year-olds, then at 9, 10 and 11 year-olds. There's quite a difference in development, size, thought patterns and the like. No four-year-old would challenge the suggestion of a bigger, older kid. I didn't have a choice, but the adults in my life, to my knowledge, never betrayed my trust.
My choices of entertainment are directly related to my craving for abuse. I can experience both sides of abuse. I cringe, get discontent, but never disturbed. I want to live the life of the abused. I want to face the demented, but I have no desire to stop their abuse. Makes me wonder what those boys did, what they said, why they hid. Do I see them as the aggressors on film? Do I see myself as the object of torture and mistreatment? I hate the weakness of the abused on film. I crave the power of the abusers. But I never crave the position of aggressor.
Zencat, you said, The killers in the moves are often times devoid of such jumbled feelings, cold with the focus of a predator. I, too, have lived fearlessly. My mom said even as a kid, I had no fear. I guess I've always figured, what could be worse that the trauma I already experienced. A 'who cares' attitude has always followed me.
Twisted entertainment, therefore, even unrelated to child abuse, feels normal.
As for the so-called 'normal' people who favor the macabre - are they really normal if that stuff satisfies them? What kind of mind comes up with the deranged content of the movies I prefer? What kind of mind eats it up?
I understand the anger that an abused child later has at his/her abuser because adults should provide stability, trust and security. When those elements are lost, so much impact is received by the abused.
My abusers were children. I have a difficult time placing blame because I know the source lies with someone I never met. Plus, the oldest boy is dead. He has paid for his transgressions. My anger can't find a person. It only finds hate for the screwed up life I lead. My treatment made me crave ugly things. I look at four-year-olds, then at 9, 10 and 11 year-olds. There's quite a difference in development, size, thought patterns and the like. No four-year-old would challenge the suggestion of a bigger, older kid. I didn't have a choice, but the adults in my life, to my knowledge, never betrayed my trust.
My choices of entertainment are directly related to my craving for abuse. I can experience both sides of abuse. I cringe, get discontent, but never disturbed. I want to live the life of the abused. I want to face the demented, but I have no desire to stop their abuse. Makes me wonder what those boys did, what they said, why they hid. Do I see them as the aggressors on film? Do I see myself as the object of torture and mistreatment? I hate the weakness of the abused on film. I crave the power of the abusers. But I never crave the position of aggressor.
Zencat, you said, The killers in the moves are often times devoid of such jumbled feelings, cold with the focus of a predator. I, too, have lived fearlessly. My mom said even as a kid, I had no fear. I guess I've always figured, what could be worse that the trauma I already experienced. A 'who cares' attitude has always followed me.
Twisted entertainment, therefore, even unrelated to child abuse, feels normal.
As for the so-called 'normal' people who favor the macabre - are they really normal if that stuff satisfies them? What kind of mind comes up with the deranged content of the movies I prefer? What kind of mind eats it up?
hergy
02-19-2007, 01:31 AM
They have not been able to understand where their anger needs to be directed
Speaking for myself, you're darn right. Anger at a bunch of messed up kids? Anger that I didn't get therapy as a kid? Anger that I had to 'suck it up?' Anger that I was responsible for the socialization of my sister? There's plenty more. What do I do with that crap? Where does my anger go?
Speaking for myself, you're darn right. Anger at a bunch of messed up kids? Anger that I didn't get therapy as a kid? Anger that I had to 'suck it up?' Anger that I was responsible for the socialization of my sister? There's plenty more. What do I do with that crap? Where does my anger go?
Sannah
02-19-2007, 12:44 PM
[QUOTE=red_five;2807636 I hate the weakness of the abused on film. I crave the power of the abusers. But I never crave the position of aggressor.[/QUOTE]
Nikki, I think this goes back to something that I told you before. Remember, when I told you that some folks you have been abused become abusers because this is the only way that they can see how not to be the victim anymore? You agreed with this before. I told you that you could never hurt anyone so you became an abuser all right to escape victimhood but you abused yourself with self harm. It's sort of like you were trapped in the middle. You wanted to become the abuser so that you would no longer be the victim but you just couldn't follow through all the way because you couldn't harm anyone else - but yourself. Maybe you are drawn to these films because it is a way for you to experience this abuser form without hurting anyone else so that you can escape being the victim for the time of the movie?
Nikki, I think this goes back to something that I told you before. Remember, when I told you that some folks you have been abused become abusers because this is the only way that they can see how not to be the victim anymore? You agreed with this before. I told you that you could never hurt anyone so you became an abuser all right to escape victimhood but you abused yourself with self harm. It's sort of like you were trapped in the middle. You wanted to become the abuser so that you would no longer be the victim but you just couldn't follow through all the way because you couldn't harm anyone else - but yourself. Maybe you are drawn to these films because it is a way for you to experience this abuser form without hurting anyone else so that you can escape being the victim for the time of the movie?
Sannah
02-19-2007, 12:45 PM
Anger that I was responsible for the socialization of my sister?
Nikki, what does the above mean?
Where does the anger go? This is a good question. Sid, do you have an answer?
Nikki, what does the above mean?
Where does the anger go? This is a good question. Sid, do you have an answer?
hergy
02-20-2007, 12:22 AM
Nikki, what does the above mean?
Where does the anger go? This is a good question. Sid, do you have an answer?
I want to respond to your other posts as well. You give me a lot to ponder. Forgive me, posting is difficult today, but I'm proud of myself for what I did today and I did celebrate.
Socialization of my sister: Since I was a child, my mom made me 'responsible' for including her, helping her make friends, exposing her to new things. She's an introvert by nature. I guess my mom figured I'd be the best candidate for 'reforming' my sister. I could never take a single step toward independence without my mom pushing a heavy responsibility for my sister on me. When I was a teenager and in my early 20s, it was "Can't you take your sister?" "She worships you" "It really hurts her when you do that" and on and on. No one was encouraged to include me and I don't even care. My sister now expects me to eagerly let her cling.
I'm a good sister. Even with my own warped view of myself, I know I've been her mouthpiece and guide far more than I should have been. Right now, I'm way not in a good place emotionally and mentally, but Mom doesn't see that, just that I could help my sister. I never resented my sister. I love her and we're closer than I am to my parents. But my mom still runs a guilt trip on me to get my hermit sister to adjust socially. She's 31! I'm not responsible for her life choices. I can't reverse environmental effects on my sister. I'm slowly reversing those effects on me.
Where does the anger go? This is a good question. Sid, do you have an answer?
I want to respond to your other posts as well. You give me a lot to ponder. Forgive me, posting is difficult today, but I'm proud of myself for what I did today and I did celebrate.
Socialization of my sister: Since I was a child, my mom made me 'responsible' for including her, helping her make friends, exposing her to new things. She's an introvert by nature. I guess my mom figured I'd be the best candidate for 'reforming' my sister. I could never take a single step toward independence without my mom pushing a heavy responsibility for my sister on me. When I was a teenager and in my early 20s, it was "Can't you take your sister?" "She worships you" "It really hurts her when you do that" and on and on. No one was encouraged to include me and I don't even care. My sister now expects me to eagerly let her cling.
I'm a good sister. Even with my own warped view of myself, I know I've been her mouthpiece and guide far more than I should have been. Right now, I'm way not in a good place emotionally and mentally, but Mom doesn't see that, just that I could help my sister. I never resented my sister. I love her and we're closer than I am to my parents. But my mom still runs a guilt trip on me to get my hermit sister to adjust socially. She's 31! I'm not responsible for her life choices. I can't reverse environmental effects on my sister. I'm slowly reversing those effects on me.
zencat
02-20-2007, 02:22 AM
As it stands today my thoughts on the movies of horror reflect more of an release of hidden desires and not so much as a concern for unprocessed pain. Guiding the thoughts onto a topic dispels their power. Moving them from captured memory into the realm of concept frees me from their grip. I like the topic and I ’m gaining some pleasure talking about it.
“Remember not to look to deep into the pond because all you will see is your reflection.”
~ Zencat..;)
“Remember not to look to deep into the pond because all you will see is your reflection.”
~ Zencat..;)
stick2013
02-20-2007, 07:37 AM
Nikki,
I am beginning to see that your mother REALLY has some issues. Not only the fact that she CAN'T deal with you, but she can't be a parent to your sister either. I really think that your mom has some really big issues that stop her from being an effective parent. It sounds more and more like this isn't just directed at YOU, but she has failed your sister too..... She can't take care of your emotional needs, and she has dumped the care of your sister on to you too......
Man what a job you have had. You have had to TRY and take care of you and your emotional needs, and then you were dumped with the responsibility of taking care of your younger sister.......
Life sucks, but .........................You are starting to stand again. You are finally doing positive things for yourself, and are gaining in the department of SELF care. We will all be here to help you, so keep up the great job hon.....
Love you bunches,
Sid
I am beginning to see that your mother REALLY has some issues. Not only the fact that she CAN'T deal with you, but she can't be a parent to your sister either. I really think that your mom has some really big issues that stop her from being an effective parent. It sounds more and more like this isn't just directed at YOU, but she has failed your sister too..... She can't take care of your emotional needs, and she has dumped the care of your sister on to you too......
Man what a job you have had. You have had to TRY and take care of you and your emotional needs, and then you were dumped with the responsibility of taking care of your younger sister.......
Life sucks, but .........................You are starting to stand again. You are finally doing positive things for yourself, and are gaining in the department of SELF care. We will all be here to help you, so keep up the great job hon.....
Love you bunches,
Sid
ICC
02-20-2007, 09:13 AM
Nikki--different situations but somewhat alike. When me and my older and only sister were kids my mother would always tell my sister to take me with her. sometimes she did and sometimes she was a meanie:p . We had a good relationship in spite of our mother. As we approached out 20's I was the one who was well put together and felt like a leach so I went on my own. my sister's bi-polar became very prominent but in those days no actual dx, and could be she just didn't share it. When i married and had children my mother's words were "you made your bed now lay in it" So i did. i raised my
kids alone, abusive alcoholic husband who was rarely there unless he was terrorizing me. My sister on the other hand was quite older when she married and had kids. My mother took control of her life. Would take her kids all the time so she could rest. Took vacation time so my sister could clean. Pampered her in every way. and the whole time I'm saying "you know this isn't good. People don't know how to be in the outside adult world unless they learn. You are stopping her from being a fullfilled adult" you all know the ending so my point is this. Though I suffered all my life I was also made to be independent and a survivor which my sister never learned as she was pampered and protected from the outside world and then when she HAD to be an adult couldn't cope with ANYTHING. Just didn't know how to. Regardless of what your mother wants I think you should try to let your sister stand on her own two feet. talk to your sister about this and maybe keep it between the two of you. You will be doing her an injustice someday when you are off with your newfound freedom and recovery and your sister needs her own life and doesn't know how to go about it. Just my opinion.
Hugs,
Grasshopper
kids alone, abusive alcoholic husband who was rarely there unless he was terrorizing me. My sister on the other hand was quite older when she married and had kids. My mother took control of her life. Would take her kids all the time so she could rest. Took vacation time so my sister could clean. Pampered her in every way. and the whole time I'm saying "you know this isn't good. People don't know how to be in the outside adult world unless they learn. You are stopping her from being a fullfilled adult" you all know the ending so my point is this. Though I suffered all my life I was also made to be independent and a survivor which my sister never learned as she was pampered and protected from the outside world and then when she HAD to be an adult couldn't cope with ANYTHING. Just didn't know how to. Regardless of what your mother wants I think you should try to let your sister stand on her own two feet. talk to your sister about this and maybe keep it between the two of you. You will be doing her an injustice someday when you are off with your newfound freedom and recovery and your sister needs her own life and doesn't know how to go about it. Just my opinion.
Hugs,
Grasshopper
Sannah
02-20-2007, 11:20 AM
Nikki, I agree with Sid. Your mother assigned you responsibility to care for your sister. You were not the parent but your mother delegated her responsibility to you. Please do not feel responsible for any of your sisters problems. You did not cause them. It was not your responsiblity to parent your sister. Does your sister live with you all now? Sounds like your mother is trying to get you to solve your sister's problems still. You are correct, she has to solve her own problems.
Sannah
02-20-2007, 11:24 AM
Zencat, I totally agree with you on what you said. Once you understand something it shrinks back into its correct space and loses all of its power to distress you.
zencat
02-20-2007, 12:13 PM
I am bummed :( to hear you mom is such a …..clueless….you know. Grasshopper is right on. What you sister is learning to be, is helpless.. My mother taught me that fine lesson.
( that’s a whole other matter I have on my plate )
Zencat
( that’s a whole other matter I have on my plate )
Zencat
Sannah
02-20-2007, 12:22 PM
Zencat, maybe whenever you feel up to it you could start a thread on feeling helpless?
hergy
02-20-2007, 05:02 PM
Though I suffered all my life I was also made to be independent and a survivor which my sister never learned as she was pampered and protected from the outside world
I see very much our similarities. My sister lives across the street from my parents. She's demanding and refuses to give herself the butt-kicking she needs. I can't change her. She's an adult. Still, my mom wants me to somehow wave my magic wand and fix my sister's social problems, most of which are my parents' fault.
I was by my sister's side, often speaking for her, all my life. She and I have always been close, but I'm disappointed at how she's allowed herself to crawl into an empty space and vegetate. She expects help instead of exerting herself. I don't respect her lifestyle now, so there's a wall between us. We're still close, and, in many ways, I still take care of her, but respect is vital.
She occasionally reminds me of how abandoned she felt when I was in the throws of my issues with bipolar disorder before I was medicated. My mom wasn't that great of a mom to my sister when she needed her most, so my sister was angry for a long time, and she hangs on to a bit of anger for me not being 'available.'
I'm the oldest, so I'll never abandon my sister - I don't even want to. I love her so much. Her heart is in the right place, but she has never motivated herself to push forward. She's extremely intelligent and is gifted in many ways. But my parents never gave her much confidence, and she doesn't give herself any either. I've always put up with her weirdness - her introverted lifestyle, problems communicating, unbalanced anger and stunted ability to show emotion.
For example, when she became irritated at some simple thing I did a few years ago, she punched me in the head, (yes, punched - fist clenched with a powerful force). She did it right in front of my best friend. My temple was bruised and hurt for at least a week. She and I lived together in another town at the time, so I could see her lame attempts to be nice, but she never apologized. I understood why she didn't and let it go.
I, of course, have been moody, irritable and disturbed since I've been back with my parents for the past year. I'm here because I flipped out and I'd rather be here than a hospital. I don't want to be here, I want my independence. Still, my sister, along with the rest of the family, continue judging me, complaining to me and ridiculing me as if I'm just here on holiday.
Having a 'talk' with any of them has proven absolutely useless. I am progressing, so hopefully I'll be out of here soon. I am learning quite a bit during my stay here. It's toughening me up and showing me the importance of boundaries.
Love,
Nikki
I see very much our similarities. My sister lives across the street from my parents. She's demanding and refuses to give herself the butt-kicking she needs. I can't change her. She's an adult. Still, my mom wants me to somehow wave my magic wand and fix my sister's social problems, most of which are my parents' fault.
I was by my sister's side, often speaking for her, all my life. She and I have always been close, but I'm disappointed at how she's allowed herself to crawl into an empty space and vegetate. She expects help instead of exerting herself. I don't respect her lifestyle now, so there's a wall between us. We're still close, and, in many ways, I still take care of her, but respect is vital.
She occasionally reminds me of how abandoned she felt when I was in the throws of my issues with bipolar disorder before I was medicated. My mom wasn't that great of a mom to my sister when she needed her most, so my sister was angry for a long time, and she hangs on to a bit of anger for me not being 'available.'
I'm the oldest, so I'll never abandon my sister - I don't even want to. I love her so much. Her heart is in the right place, but she has never motivated herself to push forward. She's extremely intelligent and is gifted in many ways. But my parents never gave her much confidence, and she doesn't give herself any either. I've always put up with her weirdness - her introverted lifestyle, problems communicating, unbalanced anger and stunted ability to show emotion.
For example, when she became irritated at some simple thing I did a few years ago, she punched me in the head, (yes, punched - fist clenched with a powerful force). She did it right in front of my best friend. My temple was bruised and hurt for at least a week. She and I lived together in another town at the time, so I could see her lame attempts to be nice, but she never apologized. I understood why she didn't and let it go.
I, of course, have been moody, irritable and disturbed since I've been back with my parents for the past year. I'm here because I flipped out and I'd rather be here than a hospital. I don't want to be here, I want my independence. Still, my sister, along with the rest of the family, continue judging me, complaining to me and ridiculing me as if I'm just here on holiday.
Having a 'talk' with any of them has proven absolutely useless. I am progressing, so hopefully I'll be out of here soon. I am learning quite a bit during my stay here. It's toughening me up and showing me the importance of boundaries.
Love,
Nikki
ICC
02-20-2007, 05:17 PM
Nikki---i never intended for you to think I was telling you to disown your sister BUT she has to stand on her own two feet just as you do. it's better for both of you to have a healthy relationship. If that's impossible what i did with mine as she was sick was to be there when she needed me but led my own life and allowed her the same. Our lives took totally different paths at about 40. hers downhill and mine a little bit of freedom as my children were grown and since we were two totally different people i sought help and wanted it as I knoew our family was dysfunctional. so I set out on my own to get the help I needed. didn't disown any of them until last year , my mother. I just kept my distance knowing they would destroy me if I allowed it. It took me many years to get where I am now. You will too.
Hugs,
Grasshopper
Hugs,
Grasshopper
hergy
02-20-2007, 09:11 PM
i never intended for you to think I was telling you to disown your sister
Don't worry, ICC, I didn't think you were telling me to do that.
I'm in a constant struggle in my head about my sister. I was always there for her and have a special bond with her. I can't shake that feeling of responsibility. In some ways, I feel obligated to her. Keeping her at a healthy distance from me emotionally is difficult because we're friends and sisters.
Thanks for posting. I'm still not making much sense to myself. I wrote this post over and over before submitting the reply.
In a few days, I hope to be conversing with you guys with all sparks firing.
Love,
Nikki
Don't worry, ICC, I didn't think you were telling me to do that.
I'm in a constant struggle in my head about my sister. I was always there for her and have a special bond with her. I can't shake that feeling of responsibility. In some ways, I feel obligated to her. Keeping her at a healthy distance from me emotionally is difficult because we're friends and sisters.
Thanks for posting. I'm still not making much sense to myself. I wrote this post over and over before submitting the reply.
In a few days, I hope to be conversing with you guys with all sparks firing.
Love,
Nikki
ICC
02-21-2007, 08:38 AM
Nikki---i'm glad you and I are OK. I do understand the bond as I had it with my sister. But seeing her suffer ripped my heart out as I felt she was never "thrown to the dogs" and made to learn independence. It destroyed her in the end. I was all she had , no more friends, no more family and her dependence on me not that it was a problem but I had a full time job , a home and a family . didn't allow me much time in later years to be everything to her. I know your struggles and I am equally as sure there are some known of us know. You are a great, strong, loving woman on the road to recovery. Posting is hard for all of us sometimes. THE MIND:dizzy: Go at your own pace and do what's best for you. I told you once you are on the "yellow brick road" to happiness and recovery. never said it was an easy road. Keep going you'll make it.
Love you,
Grasshopper
Love you,
Grasshopper
Sannah
02-21-2007, 11:59 AM
She occasionally reminds me of how abandoned she felt when I was in the throws of my issues with bipolar disorder before I was medicated. so my sister was angry for a long time, and she hangs on to a bit of anger for me not being 'available.'
For example, when she became irritated at some simple thing I did a few years ago, she punched me in the head, (yes, punched - fist clenched with
a powerful force). she never apologized.
I understood why she didn't and let it go.
Hi Nikki, forgive me for saying this but your sister sounds a bit self-centered. Sounds like she had no concern for what you were going through with the bipolar. All she could think of were her needs. This just doesn't sit well with me. And then she punches you and doesn't apoligize. Was she irritated with you because she couldn't get her own way?
I don't understand why she didn't apoligize?
Just wanted to make sure that you are aware of the dynamics going on here. I learned in my mid 30's how I would give in so easily to selfish people. I was totally blinded to it and couldn't believe it when I realized it. Of course I was trained well by my mother to do this!
For example, when she became irritated at some simple thing I did a few years ago, she punched me in the head, (yes, punched - fist clenched with
a powerful force). she never apologized.
I understood why she didn't and let it go.
Hi Nikki, forgive me for saying this but your sister sounds a bit self-centered. Sounds like she had no concern for what you were going through with the bipolar. All she could think of were her needs. This just doesn't sit well with me. And then she punches you and doesn't apoligize. Was she irritated with you because she couldn't get her own way?
I don't understand why she didn't apoligize?
Just wanted to make sure that you are aware of the dynamics going on here. I learned in my mid 30's how I would give in so easily to selfish people. I was totally blinded to it and couldn't believe it when I realized it. Of course I was trained well by my mother to do this!
hergy
02-21-2007, 11:40 PM
I told you once you are on the "yellow brick road" to happiness and recovery. never said it was an easy road. Keep going you'll make it.
Thanks for your confidence, ICC.
Yellow brick road. Hmmm. I could use those 'poppies' near the Emerald City right about now.:)
Love you!
Nikki
Thanks for your confidence, ICC.
Yellow brick road. Hmmm. I could use those 'poppies' near the Emerald City right about now.:)
Love you!
Nikki
hergy
02-21-2007, 11:50 PM
Hi Nikki, forgive me for saying this but your sister sounds a bit self-centered....And then she punches you and doesn't apoligize. Was she irritated with you because she couldn't get her own way?
Yeah, unfortunately she is self-centered. No doubt about that one. My parents are enabling it. On the other hand, I get the harsh end. Weird. She's got a heart of gold, but she's quite selfish.
And, yes, she couldn't get her way so she socked me in the head. We were adults for goodness' sake!
When you live in dysfunction, it's easy to explain away the 'reasons' for the absurd reactions of others. I can't stop loving them and am first to come to their defense. Still, I know the harm their attitudes have and have had on my quest for mental health. They are zero help.
Getting some miles between us will help. I don't want to run from my problems. But if you're getting dirty because you're standing in a garbage dump, best thing is to get out, shower and find a better place to live.
Love you and your incredible insight!
Nikki
Yeah, unfortunately she is self-centered. No doubt about that one. My parents are enabling it. On the other hand, I get the harsh end. Weird. She's got a heart of gold, but she's quite selfish.
And, yes, she couldn't get her way so she socked me in the head. We were adults for goodness' sake!
When you live in dysfunction, it's easy to explain away the 'reasons' for the absurd reactions of others. I can't stop loving them and am first to come to their defense. Still, I know the harm their attitudes have and have had on my quest for mental health. They are zero help.
Getting some miles between us will help. I don't want to run from my problems. But if you're getting dirty because you're standing in a garbage dump, best thing is to get out, shower and find a better place to live.
Love you and your incredible insight!
Nikki
stick2013
02-22-2007, 07:11 AM
Dear Nikki,
Yes familys are weird sometimes... The dynamics of dysfunction is weird, and sometimes being so close within a family dysfunction breeds like a wild fire. You all get caught up in it, and never stop. But once you take a step back and look, .........You really want to run....Unless all of you can get help, then it won't work. You can still have a relationship with your family, but setting boundaries is the biggest thing that you need to do. First of all you need to tell your sister that PUNCHING you is NOT an option to her childish behavior, and if she ever puts another hand on you that -------------------You need to fill in the blank. Not with punching her back either, although that though did enter my mind. LOL!!!!!
Getting healthy is so hard, it changes everything, and it changes us, we become strangers to everyone including ourselves. We are tired, and don't want to continue a life that isn't working for us anymore, and yet to continue to get healthy seems like climbing a mountain that has no peak. It does have a peak, it just depends on how hard we climb, how much we have to get through, and how many setbacks along the way.....
You will get ther hon, but it will take time. FTM, Sannah, ICC, and everyone else myself included will be right behind you PUSHING you if we have too.
Love you bunches......
Sid
Yes familys are weird sometimes... The dynamics of dysfunction is weird, and sometimes being so close within a family dysfunction breeds like a wild fire. You all get caught up in it, and never stop. But once you take a step back and look, .........You really want to run....Unless all of you can get help, then it won't work. You can still have a relationship with your family, but setting boundaries is the biggest thing that you need to do. First of all you need to tell your sister that PUNCHING you is NOT an option to her childish behavior, and if she ever puts another hand on you that -------------------You need to fill in the blank. Not with punching her back either, although that though did enter my mind. LOL!!!!!
Getting healthy is so hard, it changes everything, and it changes us, we become strangers to everyone including ourselves. We are tired, and don't want to continue a life that isn't working for us anymore, and yet to continue to get healthy seems like climbing a mountain that has no peak. It does have a peak, it just depends on how hard we climb, how much we have to get through, and how many setbacks along the way.....
You will get ther hon, but it will take time. FTM, Sannah, ICC, and everyone else myself included will be right behind you PUSHING you if we have too.
Love you bunches......
Sid
ICC
02-22-2007, 09:00 AM
Nikki ***** poppies huh?:blob_fire never thought of that.
:dizzy: Grasshopper
:dizzy: Grasshopper
hergy
02-22-2007, 09:51 AM
You can still have a relationship with your family, but setting boundaries is the biggest thing that you need to do....Getting healthy is so hard, it changes everything, and it changes us, we become strangers to everyone including ourselves.
Boundaries. I need to work on that.
And I am a stranger to my family. I have been for a long time. I'm trying to get to know myself, though.
Thanks for backing me up. Your support and confidence mean a lot to me.
I wish I could start communicating normally again. Sorry about my short posts. It has been difficult prying my mind back open. I'll get there.
Love you!
Nikki
Boundaries. I need to work on that.
And I am a stranger to my family. I have been for a long time. I'm trying to get to know myself, though.
Thanks for backing me up. Your support and confidence mean a lot to me.
I wish I could start communicating normally again. Sorry about my short posts. It has been difficult prying my mind back open. I'll get there.
Love you!
Nikki
hergy
02-22-2007, 09:53 AM
Nikki ***** poppies huh?:blob_fire never thought of that.
:D
It worked for Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow and the Lion. Glenda sure did rain on their parade.;)
Love ya!
Nikki
:D
It worked for Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow and the Lion. Glenda sure did rain on their parade.;)
Love ya!
Nikki
ICC
02-22-2007, 10:29 AM
Absolutely Nikki *** I am already feeling the effect. Feeling like a stranger in your family? HM!!! not always a bad thing. might give you the needed break you need right now to get back inside yourself. Try not to worry about it , i think you just have to accept that your family are not the people capable of helping and supporting you. Take your time. I found when i started to feel and see what I was going through and understand I had no words for awhile. I am so proud of you for letting go of the Si and the accomplishments that you have conquered. sometimes it's sad when you start making headway because it is a grief process. Bidding farewell to the old, negativity, drama that you are so used to and treading on what we feeel is unsafe territory. at times makes you want to run back but yu are too far along for that and your mind knows it. Could be why you are somewhat out of sorts.
Love,
Grasshopper:D
Love,
Grasshopper:D
stick2013
02-22-2007, 03:16 PM
Nikki,
I will always have your "BACK" and back you up......But if you are wrong, and doing bad things.... Watch out for the "RED LOUIEVILLE SLUGGER" I know how to use it, and if you are bad, then you will get a beating from my beloved,"BAT." :p I know how to swing it too......
Hugs,
Sid
I will always have your "BACK" and back you up......But if you are wrong, and doing bad things.... Watch out for the "RED LOUIEVILLE SLUGGER" I know how to use it, and if you are bad, then you will get a beating from my beloved,"BAT." :p I know how to swing it too......
Hugs,
Sid
hergy
02-22-2007, 06:18 PM
I found when i started to feel and see what I was going through and understand I had no words for awhile....at times makes you want to run back but yu are too far along for that and your mind knows it. Could be why you are somewhat out of sorts.
That makes so much sense, ICC. I feared that I had fallen back a few years this week, but hopefully it's what you said, my mind knows how far I've come and maybe it's swirling in daisies until I can move on. Somewhat out of sorts? I am fruitloop crazy out of sorts!:dizzy:
Some emotion did start rearing its head today. Not surprising, the emotion was anger - heartpounding, boiling anger.:mad:
Thanks for your post. I have had no words for awhile. That's what's making the anger boil. I can't express myself very well right now.
I do know I care very much about you. Thank you for understanding.
Love ya!
Nikki
That makes so much sense, ICC. I feared that I had fallen back a few years this week, but hopefully it's what you said, my mind knows how far I've come and maybe it's swirling in daisies until I can move on. Somewhat out of sorts? I am fruitloop crazy out of sorts!:dizzy:
Some emotion did start rearing its head today. Not surprising, the emotion was anger - heartpounding, boiling anger.:mad:
Thanks for your post. I have had no words for awhile. That's what's making the anger boil. I can't express myself very well right now.
I do know I care very much about you. Thank you for understanding.
Love ya!
Nikki
ICC
02-22-2007, 06:25 PM
Nikki -- don't worry yourself about finding the words let us try to do that for you until you're ready. When i talked about grief it is just how I felt when i started to recover. Sad, scared, lonely. you name it I felt it. And i used to think OMG here i am getting it all out and i should be happy as a clam but am depressed instead. It's just change. a new way of thinking, grieving the old way even if it was bad, it was still familiar. and that's another thing that's hard is not feeling familiar with your own self. I got it sweetheart. You'll be fine. let the anger come out you have plenty of reasons for it and once it comes out it is replaced with alot of indifference. You know I asked Sid awhile ago what indifference felt like because i had never felt it. Basically to me it is no feeling at all about certain people and situations. not good or bad. nothing. It's not a feeling of not feeling at all just no emotion when it comes to certain people, places and things. you find that you just don't care. they/it doesn't matter anymore. and that my friend is recovery.
Love you,
Grasshopper;)
Love you,
Grasshopper;)
hergy
02-22-2007, 06:30 PM
Sid,
I know you have my back. That's why you're awesome.:bouncing:
I always welcome a beating from your bat because it has helped me before. No bat will be required on the SI right now, though, I've made it clean so far.:wave:
I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist. Hopefully I'll be less blank. I don't want the appointment to be a total bust.
Thanks for sticking by me, even during this mental blur.
I love you!
Nikki
I know you have my back. That's why you're awesome.:bouncing:
I always welcome a beating from your bat because it has helped me before. No bat will be required on the SI right now, though, I've made it clean so far.:wave:
I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist. Hopefully I'll be less blank. I don't want the appointment to be a total bust.
Thanks for sticking by me, even during this mental blur.
I love you!
Nikki
hergy
02-23-2007, 12:11 AM
I got it sweetheart. You'll be fine.
Sometimes hearing that is just what I need.
I've been afraid of the numbness, anger and depression I've been having lately. It's like I'm breaking down all over again and I wasn't even better yet. I get strong feelings of hopelessness especially with regard to my becoming employed again and having my own place again.
"You'll be fine." I hope it's true.
Thanks.
Nikki
Sometimes hearing that is just what I need.
I've been afraid of the numbness, anger and depression I've been having lately. It's like I'm breaking down all over again and I wasn't even better yet. I get strong feelings of hopelessness especially with regard to my becoming employed again and having my own place again.
"You'll be fine." I hope it's true.
Thanks.
Nikki
orchardlady
02-23-2007, 05:26 AM
(((((((((((Nikki)))))))))))
Been reading all week.
Sorry no comment, but I have been keeping up.
Been reading all week.
Sorry no comment, but I have been keeping up.