orchardlady
02-18-2007, 01:19 PM
This is a reply to Shannah in Nikki's post "Hiding Progress". I didn't want to take away from Nikki's discussion...so started this one.
I am beginning to see what I believe is my primary issue...personal control. Since the majority of my life has been traumatic...I never finished after Part II, or moved on to Part III...I believe I feel that when I don't allow myself to have full control, I feel totally out of control, even if the lack of control over my day was minute (mi-nute).
Not sure that makes sense.
I left home on Saturday by car, parked at the station, and finished the trip into D.C. by Metro, then walked the three blocks to the hotel. I had already told myself...convincinly I will have to say...yah for me...that I was going to do my own thing. Not go with the group when I preferred not to do so. Not sit with whoever I thought I should sit with. Etc. (I sound like I am 17, not 58!)
I was able to do this successfully. Even on our one dinner on our own night, I did what I wanted to do with a new friend. But, I was haunted by those I didn't go with, which was unhealthy.
Due to the weather in the NE beginning on Tuesday...ugh...not pretty. I had very little money and was extremely worried about the amount of money I had relative to getting home from D.C. I couldn't get anymore out of the ATM, since there was none to get...LOL
Now none of this should feel as a loss of control and cause my mind to work overtime and conclude with last night activity; hence, the antibiotic this morning, but alas it did. What awful games we play in our minds :eek:
On Tuesday, I had to take a very expensive taxi ride the three blocks to the Metro station, since there was over 2 inches of sleet slush on the sidewalks.
Once I reach the destination my car was at, I had over an hours drive in sleet to get home. Getting home about 8pm.
On Wed I spent 1-1/2 hrs chipping the ice (from the sleet; city imposed a large fine for uncleared sidewalks) off the front and back sidewalks (mine and my disabled neighbors), then two two-hour sessions chipping my car out of the ice (a happening all over the place). In between I had to rest and/or sleep (PD fatigue). Thusday I continue to dig my car out of the ice. At the end of the day, I thought I could finally drive it out, but the underside of my car got hung up on ice I didn't chip low enough. Finally had to call a tow truck to pull me the rest of the way out of my parking space...$85...like I have that to waste. I then took myself and my neighbor to the store and back home.
She is my daughter's mother in law...15 years my senior...and I help her. Taking her anywhere is stressful in itself...she is so so so slow. The fear of her falling on the ice, or on dry gound, is constant.
Friday I had grandkids duty...always M/W/F.
Saturday was 9-yr old birthday party day.
So, you would have thought I would come home last night, after 7 days of doing very little just for me and feel exhilarated with having no one to do anything for, except myself. Just sit and watch TV and do my beloved needlework, the latter of which keeps my fingers busy. BUT NO!!
I don't know what I am wanting to say here.
Maybe that life just feels like constant trauma.
I suppose that after decades of constant trauma, even when there isn't really any there, it is so expected that everything is translated into trauma.
I am beginning to see what I believe is my primary issue...personal control. Since the majority of my life has been traumatic...I never finished after Part II, or moved on to Part III...I believe I feel that when I don't allow myself to have full control, I feel totally out of control, even if the lack of control over my day was minute (mi-nute).
Not sure that makes sense.
I left home on Saturday by car, parked at the station, and finished the trip into D.C. by Metro, then walked the three blocks to the hotel. I had already told myself...convincinly I will have to say...yah for me...that I was going to do my own thing. Not go with the group when I preferred not to do so. Not sit with whoever I thought I should sit with. Etc. (I sound like I am 17, not 58!)
I was able to do this successfully. Even on our one dinner on our own night, I did what I wanted to do with a new friend. But, I was haunted by those I didn't go with, which was unhealthy.
Due to the weather in the NE beginning on Tuesday...ugh...not pretty. I had very little money and was extremely worried about the amount of money I had relative to getting home from D.C. I couldn't get anymore out of the ATM, since there was none to get...LOL
Now none of this should feel as a loss of control and cause my mind to work overtime and conclude with last night activity; hence, the antibiotic this morning, but alas it did. What awful games we play in our minds :eek:
On Tuesday, I had to take a very expensive taxi ride the three blocks to the Metro station, since there was over 2 inches of sleet slush on the sidewalks.
Once I reach the destination my car was at, I had over an hours drive in sleet to get home. Getting home about 8pm.
On Wed I spent 1-1/2 hrs chipping the ice (from the sleet; city imposed a large fine for uncleared sidewalks) off the front and back sidewalks (mine and my disabled neighbors), then two two-hour sessions chipping my car out of the ice (a happening all over the place). In between I had to rest and/or sleep (PD fatigue). Thusday I continue to dig my car out of the ice. At the end of the day, I thought I could finally drive it out, but the underside of my car got hung up on ice I didn't chip low enough. Finally had to call a tow truck to pull me the rest of the way out of my parking space...$85...like I have that to waste. I then took myself and my neighbor to the store and back home.
She is my daughter's mother in law...15 years my senior...and I help her. Taking her anywhere is stressful in itself...she is so so so slow. The fear of her falling on the ice, or on dry gound, is constant.
Friday I had grandkids duty...always M/W/F.
Saturday was 9-yr old birthday party day.
So, you would have thought I would come home last night, after 7 days of doing very little just for me and feel exhilarated with having no one to do anything for, except myself. Just sit and watch TV and do my beloved needlework, the latter of which keeps my fingers busy. BUT NO!!
I don't know what I am wanting to say here.
Maybe that life just feels like constant trauma.
I suppose that after decades of constant trauma, even when there isn't really any there, it is so expected that everything is translated into trauma.
Sponsor
stick2013
02-18-2007, 01:42 PM
Dear Orchard,
What I read in your post was like a normal day, or week for most people. But i felt that you handled it well. I'm not sure that I understood what the problem was. I think that you did remarkably well. You did things that you wanted, and not wanted, but got through it all well.
The personal control.......Well I just think that we can't always have control. Life throws us curves. Life is unpredictable, prepare accordingly. We do have control about the things that we will do, and won't do. We have the control about the people we have in our lives, and not. We have control over our daily choices, jobs, sex, partners, there are so many things that WE DO have control over, and some that we don't.
I think that your problem is this........YOU get upset when there is NO TRAUMA.... TRAUMA is what you have always known, it's what you expect, it's comfortable. Without it you feel LOST........ This is normal, and when you learn that trauma is NOT normal, then you will feel more comfortable without it in your life.
hugs,
Sid
What I read in your post was like a normal day, or week for most people. But i felt that you handled it well. I'm not sure that I understood what the problem was. I think that you did remarkably well. You did things that you wanted, and not wanted, but got through it all well.
The personal control.......Well I just think that we can't always have control. Life throws us curves. Life is unpredictable, prepare accordingly. We do have control about the things that we will do, and won't do. We have the control about the people we have in our lives, and not. We have control over our daily choices, jobs, sex, partners, there are so many things that WE DO have control over, and some that we don't.
I think that your problem is this........YOU get upset when there is NO TRAUMA.... TRAUMA is what you have always known, it's what you expect, it's comfortable. Without it you feel LOST........ This is normal, and when you learn that trauma is NOT normal, then you will feel more comfortable without it in your life.
hugs,
Sid
Sannah
02-19-2007, 12:56 PM
Dearest Orchardlady, I think that you are on to something here - keep talking. Fearing that you are going to run out of money in another city would be very unnerving. If this happened you might have been at the mercy of someone else! I hope you see my sarcasm here. I used to have that fear before I worked on my boundaries. I had to have control of everything all the time in order to feel safe. I have worked to a good place now where I realize where real safety comes from (most of the lack of security is just in our heads because of the experiences that we had - we never felt the luxury of security). You can learn to find this for the first time in your life, however. To get there you have to analyze, analyze, analyze why you do what you do and feel what you feel and think what you think - all of course, in response to your environment. With understanding will come healing.
orchardlady
02-19-2007, 08:23 PM
You are both right.
I am just weary of everything being so hard.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am weary of pills every three hours.
I am weary of poking my finger several times a day and taking insulin.
I am weary of my phone rarely ringing.
I am weary of struggling to decide which prescriptions to fill this month.
I am weary of running my gas tank down to 11-miles-til-empty, waiting for my disability benefits to arrive.
I am weary of living alone, but at the same time, having a relationship is something I don't see myself being in (I have been single and alone for 22 years. Not a single date. Not a single relationship. For reason stated a couple of weeks ago.)
I am weary of "robbing Peter to pay Paul"...month after month...year after year.
How much is one person suppose to take. Everything from uncurable disease to walking in on robbers in the dark to raising grandchildren in my home to fear of the feeling of the air passing as the fist is thrown to auto accident taking 18 months out of my life to moving over and over again to...it all sounds so silly...I won't go on.
So, my struggle to have control...ha...there is no such thing...but do I ever try to have it anyway.
I am a survivor. I know that. I am a tenacious risk-taker...which has fostered my survival. I'm smart enough to counsel others, but can't counsel myself.
The week was difficult for me because of the labor involved. Seventeen years for Parkinson's disease has taken it toll on me physically, so labor intensive work is not easy. But, it had to be done. I do believe in "just do it"
Yes, I expect everything to be a trauma. It always has been so...why would it be any different.
I have not had a single year in the past 25 years that did not have its price. This year it is this lymphoma scare. I can't imagine a worse type of cancer to have. I see the surgeon on Wed afternoon about the lymph node biopsies.
I am just weary of everything being so hard.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am weary of pills every three hours.
I am weary of poking my finger several times a day and taking insulin.
I am weary of my phone rarely ringing.
I am weary of struggling to decide which prescriptions to fill this month.
I am weary of running my gas tank down to 11-miles-til-empty, waiting for my disability benefits to arrive.
I am weary of living alone, but at the same time, having a relationship is something I don't see myself being in (I have been single and alone for 22 years. Not a single date. Not a single relationship. For reason stated a couple of weeks ago.)
I am weary of "robbing Peter to pay Paul"...month after month...year after year.
How much is one person suppose to take. Everything from uncurable disease to walking in on robbers in the dark to raising grandchildren in my home to fear of the feeling of the air passing as the fist is thrown to auto accident taking 18 months out of my life to moving over and over again to...it all sounds so silly...I won't go on.
So, my struggle to have control...ha...there is no such thing...but do I ever try to have it anyway.
I am a survivor. I know that. I am a tenacious risk-taker...which has fostered my survival. I'm smart enough to counsel others, but can't counsel myself.
The week was difficult for me because of the labor involved. Seventeen years for Parkinson's disease has taken it toll on me physically, so labor intensive work is not easy. But, it had to be done. I do believe in "just do it"
Yes, I expect everything to be a trauma. It always has been so...why would it be any different.
I have not had a single year in the past 25 years that did not have its price. This year it is this lymphoma scare. I can't imagine a worse type of cancer to have. I see the surgeon on Wed afternoon about the lymph node biopsies.
stick2013
02-19-2007, 08:50 PM
Dear Orchardlady,
Yes, life is a B**** at times. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that it just seems that we are the only people dealing with this stuff. I know that I have NO words of wisdom that will lighten your load. Just know that we are here, and we hear your pain and suffering.
I told FTM once that EVERYONE, EVERYDAY goes through crap too. They do! So you are not alone... I have had my share of CRAP too, so I understand.....
Yes you are a survivor......I am too, we all are. We struggle through everyday, and we make it. I guess that's the important thing.....You asked, "How much is one person supposed to take?" The answer is simple.... "As much as we can handle........, after that, we're dead." I have ALWAYS believed that HELL is here on earth, and when we die, our pain has ended, and we are rewarded.....
Hang in there hon.......We are here for you...........
Hugs,
Sid
Yes, life is a B**** at times. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that it just seems that we are the only people dealing with this stuff. I know that I have NO words of wisdom that will lighten your load. Just know that we are here, and we hear your pain and suffering.
I told FTM once that EVERYONE, EVERYDAY goes through crap too. They do! So you are not alone... I have had my share of CRAP too, so I understand.....
Yes you are a survivor......I am too, we all are. We struggle through everyday, and we make it. I guess that's the important thing.....You asked, "How much is one person supposed to take?" The answer is simple.... "As much as we can handle........, after that, we're dead." I have ALWAYS believed that HELL is here on earth, and when we die, our pain has ended, and we are rewarded.....
Hang in there hon.......We are here for you...........
Hugs,
Sid
Sannah
02-20-2007, 11:46 AM
Orchardlady, the only thing that I can say is stay in the moment and deal with one thing at a time. To me the most important thing on the earth is emotional/mental health.