i am not proud of this but last year i grey very very close to a friend of mine and we ended up having a fling for about 6 weeks. the terrible thing is i was also good friends with his wife and know his children. it ended and we stayed good friends but then i got hurt whilst training with him and injured my knee very badly resutling in long hospital and physio sessions and learning to walk again! unfortunaltely about a month after it happened i got drunk and took all my frustrations out on him telling him i hated him and it was all his fault, generally horrid things which the very next day i regreteed. we spoke once afterwards and i apologised etc but since then we spent 6 months completely blanking each other, only his children would talk to me. then one thursady we spoke over the phone and said hello (progress!) then on the monday i was told he had been killed in a road accident. he was 33 years old, 3 young children this is so unfair and so tragic. he was on his bike pulled out of his road and then another car pulled out of an opposite junction in front of him and he was knocked off his bike, broke his neck and died instantly. almost right outside his own house, on his wifes b'day. i feel i have no right to greive for him as things have been so icey between us the past few months but god it really hurts and sometimes i get hit by this wall of sadness and such vivid menories of him, i can see him so clearly and almos hear his voice, that i dont know how to deal with. i also feel terrible guilt because sometimes i would wish that he didnt work at the gym i go to, and that he wasnt at judo or friends with my boyfreind. now all those things are true and i hate it and feel disgusted with myself. i dont know how to feel or how i can make peace with him. i just neede to get this all out of my sytem. thanks.

of course you should be allowed to grieve. im not going to pass judgement on what you did. thats not my place, but right now, that doesnt matter. we've all done things we regret, i know i have, but you tried to make it right, and you need to remember that.

you loved him, he died, and you need to grieve.
of course, his family are in the centre of it all, and will be going through hell. what a terrible thing to happen. i cant imagine, really. but you're feelings are no less important.

A person is certainly entitled to their feelings. You have a right to grieve. The feelings of anger and guilt that you are experiencing are completely normal. Try to write down your thoughts and feelings, as they seem to be less powerful when they are on paper. We have all done things that we regret; however, all human beings make mistakes. If you continue to beat yourself up, then you wil stay stgnant in the grieving process. Allowing yourself to feel your feelings slowly each day will help you work through his tragic accident.

I hope that this helps.

thank you both i have begun talking with his wife again now and in a strange way this is helping as i want us to be friends again. thank you