How does one cope when other people tell you you are attractive, 'cute', and so forth, but you don't believe it yourself? After conversing with a friend today at lenght on the subject, I have made another realization as to why I have such awful luck with relationships. Its a bit of a story but I will try and explain. I used to have alot of issues in the past, alot of self-esteem and confidence issues, constantly depressed, etc. I used to be quite overweight and had no confidence in how I looked or presented myself. Over the past few years things have changed, I am doing some amazing things career wise, things that I am very proud to have achieved and that will help me achieve an amazing and ideal career. I also went on an intensive exercise regimen, and went from being over 200 pounds to some 170. I am now doing alot of weight training and am building some respectacle muscle mass, dress and carry myself well, etc.

In terms of relationships, this has really reversed how I used to be before. I am now finding a small degree of success in attracting women, including some really pretty ones I never felt I would have had a chance with before. I have been in two wirl-wind and short relationships in the past half year, continually flirt with women in bars, dating sites, etc. However, I have never been truly happy with anyone. I used to think this was just a matter of being with the wrong person. But, even when I was with one girl I truly cared about, I was so self-conscious and fearful of rejection when I was with her that I was too afraid to do anything around her, from putting an arm around her to kissing her, even though I wanted to more than anything in the world. I asked myself then, why does she want to hold MY hand? What miracle has just occured? Since that time, some 2 years ago, I have made huge strides in confidence and looks. I have been on a handful of dates with really attractive women, and have attracted some really nice ones on dance floors. However, I still feel that I am somehow fat and ungainly as my image, even though it isnt true.

I had a dream the other night about a hippopotamus - looking it up, it can symbolize a perception of oneself as awkward, ungainly, and unattractive, whether or not this is true. In my case, although people think the opposite, I somehow believe it in a way. In the past few months, I have had an older lady tell me I am 'gorgeous' and that 'I dont let it get to my head', and the other night, a very sexy lady told me that I am 'cute'. However, I never seem to be able to believe it, and always question such statements. Despite the fact that I lift weights almost every day and go for intensive workouts 2-3 times a week, I always have irrational fears of becoming fat or ungainly, for example, interpreting a slight gut as being obese, and have a hard time accepting such compliments for what they are. I believe this impacts my relationship troubles - I find it hard to accept that a beautiful woman would show any interest in me, (as was the case years ago), so I tend to act quite aloof and have a hard time opening up or showing real emotion to any potential partners, preferring to avoid entering relationships because of an over-blown fear of commitment and other feelings of inadequecy. I regularly dwell on past relationship failures and mistakes, blaming myself for nearly everything that went wrong with them, whether or not it was my fault. I idealize and put on a pedestal beautiful women who showed an interest in me, but then dumped me in a rather harsh matter, convincing myself that it was my fault, and beat myself up mentally for it constantly. Some people have told me that it might also be that I attract needy and insecure women myself - rather than be bold and approach the ones that I am really attracted to, I just sit back and date the ones who approach me, because I am afraid that I am too 'fat' to even consider asking out girls that I find really interesting and intriguing.

Is it possible to change the physical side of things, ie make a complete turn around in how one looks, from being overweight, dressing poorly and carrying oneself with no confidence, to somehow make a complete 360 in terms of physical appearance and outward looks, yet still retain aspects of that old you? I feel that this is something of the case, and it is so frustrating and embarrassing at times. I am not fat or ungainly but I feel that I am, and I always question for days when people tell me I am attractive - are they joking or what? I need to get past this irrational mode of thinking and try and make some more positive steps towards improving myself and my relationship with women, otherwise I will be permanently mired in a never-ending cycle of self-defeat and inadequacy.

But, even when I was with one girl I truly cared about, I was so self-conscious and fearful of rejection when I was with her that I was too afraid to do anything around her

Is it possible to change the physical side of things, ie make a complete turn around in how one looks, from being overweight, dressing poorly and carrying oneself with no confidence, to somehow make a complete 360 in terms of physical appearance and outward looks, yet still retain aspects of that old you?


Hi Someone, yes this is very possible to still hold in your mind the old physical you. I read a book a long time ago where a plastic surgeon said this exactly. He noticed that he made people beautiful but they still needed to change the image of themselves in their heads.

I would think that with being very aware of your feelings all of the time and working through your irrational thoughts that you can change this. You need to get to a point where you have self worth and no longer think that rejection by others means that you are a worthless human being. If anyone wants to go out and have a life you have to be able to withstand rejection. No one can grow, etc. if you do not go out and take "risks". No one can take risks without encountering rejection. Sounds like you are afraid to let anyone close to you because they could then reject you. I think that people need to be careful when deciding who they are going to let get close but you cannot live your life keeping everyone at a distance because it sounds like you are unhappy with this already.

If anyone wants to go out and have a life you have to be able to withstand rejection. No one can grow, etc. if you do not go out and take "risks". No one can take risks without encountering rejection. Sounds like you are afraid to let anyone close to you because they could then reject you. .


hi someone,

i think that the quote above applies to everyone, no matter who they are, and no matter how they look. i believe everyone goes through rejection at one point or another in their lives (i know i have). rejections come from jobs, from dates, from family members, from other kids when one grows up, from loan officers, from just about anywhere. it's a fact of life.

i think you're an amazing person for turning your life around so drastically. if i knew you, i'd say "hey gorgeous, what are you doing this evening? care to join me for a cup of tea or a movie after work?" i'm saying this, after reading what you wrote about all those ladies complementing you on your looks! :). i also think you're incredibly smart and very competent. it's just that it takes much more for the mind and thoughts to change than for the body. if it were that easy, none of us would be here, on this depression board, believe me!

i don't know if you tried to talk to a therapist about this issue, because i think it would do wonders for you. if i were you, i'd absolutely give it a try!!!

good luck, gorgeous!!!! ;)