Hi everyone! im very pleased to find this board it seems you are all very honest helpful people. Im in a situation right now that is very confusing and very hurtful. I was with my boyfriend for 4.5 years very very much in love we planned on getting married and we were eachothers rock. 2 years ago i became very depressed and had many low times, ive been on several medications and gone to therapy but everything seemed to be only a short fix for me. My boyfriend is a very caring person and he tried to help as much as he could. the problem was he was not very educated on depression and therefore had a hard time understanding why i would act certain ways. I would become very angry about certain things that i would pretty much make up in my head to believe he did not love me. I know i hurt him badly but when i would get angry it seemed so real to me, like everything i felt and was saying was real. Thats no excuse im just trying to explain how it felt. My boyfriend always felt like he had to be perfect for me, his parents were never married and he did not grow up around couples, he was not aware that in relationships it is ok to express your feelings honestly even if it is bad or good. Im not saying he never showed any emotion at all but with this particular topic he was very quiet about my effect on him to the point i really was not aware of it. His aunt died in an accident over a year ago it was very hard on him and since then he has learned some disheartening things, his uncle told him while we were visiting in may that his wife had depression and he felt some relief because he was always walking on eggshells. he told my boyfriend this because he knew i was depressed. He started dating very soon after his wife died and this all hit my boy hard, then at thanksgiving he announced to the family his therapist made him realize he fell out of love with his wife long before she died. My ex really looked up to them as an "ideal" couple and from what has happend he has lost so much faith in love and relationships. He one day in early december completely snapped, he got very angry and sad out of the blue it seemed, he has never treated me that way before it was like a complete change. after a couple weeks of him crying about how he loved me but was so ****ed up and did not want ot bring me into it, he broke up with me. but when he did it he was angry and made it seem like it was because i was depressed. A week or so later we met up after he called and he apologized and realized he woudl regret it the rest of his life and i was the love of his life. we started to take things slowly we had a good time together. then he did not call for 2 weeks. When i spoke to him he said his feelings had chanaged and he no longer loved me. we met up to talk and he cried the entire time. i know he was angry about some things i had done but he has never ever said he did not love me, he said that what happened with his aunt and uncle made him feel like we were doomed. he kept so much inside i never knew he was feeling all these things. we did not speak for a month, i did alot of research on male depression and grief and ive read alot about obvioiusly pushing away those u love and such. We just started talking again last week ive spoken to him a few times and it was really great, i told him he scared me and how i needed him to calm down when we spoke because i didnt like seeing him that way. he has started therapy and is getting help for depression. i know for sure i want to be there for him, not only do i love him but he was there for me for so long when i was depressed. Im not sure how to feel, it hurts still everyday but i still have hope things will work themselves out. im not sure if its the depression that has caused this sudden change or if he really truly does not love me anymore. Im pretty stuck on what to do. I love this man very much and our bond is beyond belief i really feel we are meant to be together. its a shame this horrible sickness has caused so much grief for us. I dont know if i should ask him if maybe we could start over again. i realize my faults and i fixed them after i learned i hurt him im more aware of my anger. i want to take things slow and just start dating give us both time to take care of ourselves. or should i just be there as a friend? i love him so im confused, i dont want to lose him but i also dont want to hurt myself. any advice would be appreciated

Notquitecertain, to me it sounds like you all are doing all the right things. Sounds like it is going to take him some time to sort through everything. He is doing the right thing by going to a therapist. Only time will tell what the outcome will be.

dear NotQuiteCertain,

sounds like your bf has a lot of baggage from a long time before--before he even met you, and i don't think that his breakup with you has everything to do with YOU!!!!!! he didn't really have any "good" male role models around when he grew up, and when he met with his uncle that time, and his "uncle told him while we were visiting in may that his wife had depression and he felt some relief because he was always walking on eggshells", --that may have been "the straw that broke the cammel's back,--in terms of your bf. i don't know much about your uncle, but being that his depressed wife died in a accident, even though he had to deal with her depression for a number of years (?), it wasn't a very nice remark to make....especially to his nephew!!!! and, especially when he knew his nephew was dating a woman suffering from depression. maybe it was his uncle's way of "protecting" him...i don't know. but that was not nice, in the least. sorry to say.

about you guys getting back to dating, and taking it slowly now....in my opinion, it's not a very good idea. i think he should be given time to process all of his issues. just as you have gotten over this at least a little, and have managed to understand it yourself, HE will probably need even MORE time to do so, since you said that he has much trouble opening up and talking about emotional things. i think just being there purely as a friend, and as a supporter (who's been and is perhaps is still going through this to some degree ), is the most vital thing you can do for him at this point. even to "take things slowly" at this point would only complicate matters more, since i believe he doesn't know much about whether he's coming or going. he's got much in his head that needs to clear out--many misunderstandings about relationships, etc. i'm glad he's going to therapy. it's the best thing he could do for himself!!!!!

i do think he loves you. i really do. but to repeat myself, his own issues have taken over in his mind/taken precedent, and he's gotten mixed messages from his loved ones/family, in addition to what he's feeling now.
i'll write more, but i have to leave for now.

peace and blessings to you :angel:

Thanks so much ladies, you really put a smile on my face. I would like to say something though. my boyfriend does have a father and hes a good man, but no he has never had a successful relationship, both his mother and his father seem to run away from relationships quickly, something that i believe has impacted my boy alot. As for his uncle, i gotta be quite honest, i hate him. I think he is a bad guy to be honest and its a shame because he has two kids and barely spends any time with them. His son is 10 and is failing out of school, his daughter well, she has had to grow up too fast she has become the woman of the house. I know i need to give him time to figure some things out but it hurts me alot, i get alot of anxiety about this, i miss him like crazy and just wish he would hold me. I know the chance of him not loving me is pretty slim, but it kills me he even said that. I dont know i just wish the anxiety would go away and i could approach the situation calmly. I was wondering if you think couples counciling would help, i think he needs to be open with me and learn how to do that, possibly work through our problems correctly. or is that pushing it too? id love to hear some more from u

"my boyfriend does have a father and hes a good man, but no he has never had a successful relationship, both his mother and his father seem to run away from relationships quickly, something that i believe has impacted my boy alot."

dear NotQuiteCertain,

i think couples counseling sounds good. but first, let your man bring his issues to the surface, deal with them, and find some solution/resolution to this whole mess he's feeling inside. it's just my opinion. he needs to do this by himself at first-- without you. then, when he understands himself better, you guys can do the counseling together.

i know it hurts, but you gotta give him enough time with the therapist, to heal himself (yes, it's easier said than done!!!). if not, he may not get to the point where he can learn better and more appropriate ways of being in a relationship, and of finding better coping strategies when life gets tough.

i didn't say you could never meet though. you can still talk and be his friend and support. he probably needs someone who already went through this type of thing before, more than ever now. but, remember, it's up to you to keep things to a minimum, if you know what i mean. on the other hand, i truly can't say if meeting and making love once in a while will damage the entire relationship. i'm no expert on that.

i'm sorry if i'm contradicting myself here--i realize i'm doing it. but there're always pros and cons. maybe you could sit down and write about them, and what may happen if you decide to be more than a friend to him at this point in time.
:angel:

Hey thanks again, Im so confused, he called yesterday and was in such a good mood about meeting up this week, he sounded like his old self, one of our friends said everytime he has spoken to him this week he has sounded better as well. So I was feeling good prepared to talk to him about things when we meet up, about how i feel and stuff. Then i called today and he was all crabby again, he said its because of school but it still hurts my feelings. I mean we were together four and a half years and it seems like he just acts like im a complete stranger or something sometimes. Its frustrating and heart breaking. Maybe im just over reacting and it really is because of school. I just wish i could open up his mind and get through to him its incredibly hard. I dont even know what to say when i see him tommorow now, do i talk about how i feel or what? i hate keeping things inside but i also dont need him to hurt me. It seems so illogical to me that your with someone so long and want ot marry and then not even try to work things out. Im sorry but **** that. Sometimes i just wanna punch him in the face ya know.