hergy
02-23-2007, 05:56 PM
I started the thread on Entertainment and PTSD. Addicted to disturbing images and ideas, I have ALWAYS leaned toward 'material not suited for anybody.':nono:
It has been a disturbing, depressing month. Numb this week, today I experienced my first hint of an awakening of some emotion.
This afternoon, I popped in one of my 'made for only me' movies... and I was disturbed, disgusted and will probably never watch it again. I had a 'whoa!' in my head.:eek:
This is a sudden turn for me. One day I'm swimming in torture, death and abuse, the next I'm sick of my own selection.:dizzy:
I'm not sure what brought this on. Am I just being moody? It wasn't a plan. But I hope it's a permanent thing. Cleaning up what I see may help me clean up what I think.
Well, that was my little announcement.
Nikki
It has been a disturbing, depressing month. Numb this week, today I experienced my first hint of an awakening of some emotion.
This afternoon, I popped in one of my 'made for only me' movies... and I was disturbed, disgusted and will probably never watch it again. I had a 'whoa!' in my head.:eek:
This is a sudden turn for me. One day I'm swimming in torture, death and abuse, the next I'm sick of my own selection.:dizzy:
I'm not sure what brought this on. Am I just being moody? It wasn't a plan. But I hope it's a permanent thing. Cleaning up what I see may help me clean up what I think.
Well, that was my little announcement.
Nikki
Sponsor
ICC
02-23-2007, 06:13 PM
Nikki --- and what an announcement it was !!:blob_fire it's not moodiness it's recovery. I am so happy for you. Once it all comes out you start to clear your head and wonder just what the h--- you've been doing and thinking. That's why i told you to just let it all happen as it has to. Your blue funk for the past week was just a transition from being unwell to becoming well. I am overwelmed feeling like a proud parent. And you will start feeling stronger day by day in your thoughts and actions. Sometimes you amaze yourself with the changes. God bless and keep you safe. You are an inspiration.
Love you,
Grasshopper xo
Love you,
Grasshopper xo
hergy
02-23-2007, 06:31 PM
I am overwelmed feeling like a proud parent....You are an inspiration.
You can feel sure that you are an outstanding cyber-parent.:)
Thanks so much for your post. Your words make me feel even better. Things are rolling like you said. I'm big-time depressed, but excited when I think about what's next. Thinking past a day is scary, so I'm cooling my jets. Before I was feeling numb, I was pretty hurt by the 'new' emotions. When this numbness wears off, I know the feeling will return. But I've already been told that, even though it hurts, it needs to happen.
And you're right, even during the movie I was wondering 'what the heck am I doing?!':eek:
Thanks, ICC.
Love,
Nikki
You can feel sure that you are an outstanding cyber-parent.:)
Thanks so much for your post. Your words make me feel even better. Things are rolling like you said. I'm big-time depressed, but excited when I think about what's next. Thinking past a day is scary, so I'm cooling my jets. Before I was feeling numb, I was pretty hurt by the 'new' emotions. When this numbness wears off, I know the feeling will return. But I've already been told that, even though it hurts, it needs to happen.
And you're right, even during the movie I was wondering 'what the heck am I doing?!':eek:
Thanks, ICC.
Love,
Nikki
stick2013
02-23-2007, 07:34 PM
Dear Nikki,
Well I am the OTHER CYBER MOM that is just FULL to the brim with PROUDNESS....Is that a word???? OH HELL who cares....... I will make up words or whatever to express how I feel.....:blob_fire :blob_fire :angel: :angel: :D :D YIPPIE!!!!!!!!!
Yup from UNWELL to WELLNESS WAY TO GO GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!! You get an ATTA GIRL!!!!!!!
Darn it all I am so happy that I could squeeze the crap outta you........
I bet if you really start to focus on the emotions that you are having you will also feel a sense of overwhelming pride for what you have overcome lately...... As ICC stated you really are an inspiration.
Love you,
Hugs yes SQUISHY ones......
Sid
Well I am the OTHER CYBER MOM that is just FULL to the brim with PROUDNESS....Is that a word???? OH HELL who cares....... I will make up words or whatever to express how I feel.....:blob_fire :blob_fire :angel: :angel: :D :D YIPPIE!!!!!!!!!
Yup from UNWELL to WELLNESS WAY TO GO GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!! You get an ATTA GIRL!!!!!!!
Darn it all I am so happy that I could squeeze the crap outta you........
I bet if you really start to focus on the emotions that you are having you will also feel a sense of overwhelming pride for what you have overcome lately...... As ICC stated you really are an inspiration.
Love you,
Hugs yes SQUISHY ones......
Sid
orchardlady
02-23-2007, 08:11 PM
Nicki, I want to reply to this thread and will do as soon as my grandson is off the computer, or as soon as I get home, whichever comes first.
Carolyn
Carolyn
zencat
02-23-2007, 10:09 PM
Good for you ((((Nikki)))), I believe your taste for movies that used to thrill will chill a bit. It did for me, movies that I thought I would enjoy… don’t attract me like they once did…. In computer programming language: garbage in, garbage out.
Do well, do it often
Hugs
Zencat …:)
Do well, do it often
Hugs
Zencat …:)
orchardlady
02-23-2007, 10:28 PM
Just got home...will post tomorrow...in lots of physical pain tonight...too tired to think well enough.
:wave:
:wave:
hergy
02-24-2007, 12:16 AM
I am the OTHER CYBER MOM that is just FULL to the brim with PROUDNESS....You get an ATTA GIRL!!!!
Yes, you are certainly my other cyber mom and I grin from ear to ear when you're proud of me.:) I'm glad you're happy about my movie thing.:wave:
Reflecting on the content of the movie I mentioned, I'm unnerved that there are plenty of people who find it entertaining. It's not a mainstream horror flick. It's one of those obscure, weird productions that explores forbidden subjects and twisted philosophies. That crap can mess with your head, especially if your head is messed up.
Those disturbing movies have never scared, shocked or thrilled me. They've been serving as my 'thought dialysis.' My abnormality flows out of me into the film's 'validation filter,' and back into me.
I hope I'll stop feeling like I need that. Stepping back, even for a moment, I see how sick that crap is. And how the stuff already in my head doesn't belong in my head.
I love you, cyber mom!
Nikki
Yes, you are certainly my other cyber mom and I grin from ear to ear when you're proud of me.:) I'm glad you're happy about my movie thing.:wave:
Reflecting on the content of the movie I mentioned, I'm unnerved that there are plenty of people who find it entertaining. It's not a mainstream horror flick. It's one of those obscure, weird productions that explores forbidden subjects and twisted philosophies. That crap can mess with your head, especially if your head is messed up.
Those disturbing movies have never scared, shocked or thrilled me. They've been serving as my 'thought dialysis.' My abnormality flows out of me into the film's 'validation filter,' and back into me.
I hope I'll stop feeling like I need that. Stepping back, even for a moment, I see how sick that crap is. And how the stuff already in my head doesn't belong in my head.
I love you, cyber mom!
Nikki
stick2013
02-24-2007, 07:51 AM
Nikki,
It's just like the HABIT of SI.....It truly can become a habit....Break the habit, and you break the thought pattern.....The good thing is that you were and are a strong enough person that NEVER acted on the MOVIE.... Some people, get so into the movie that they ACT them out..... NOT A GOOD THING!!!!!
Love you,
Sid
It's just like the HABIT of SI.....It truly can become a habit....Break the habit, and you break the thought pattern.....The good thing is that you were and are a strong enough person that NEVER acted on the MOVIE.... Some people, get so into the movie that they ACT them out..... NOT A GOOD THING!!!!!
Love you,
Sid
ICC
02-24-2007, 08:40 AM
BRAINSTORM FROM GRASSHOPPER --- Not the same types of movies but entertainment all the same. Horror movies have never bothered me. You know the halloween, friday the 13th, chainsaw massacres type. BUT what truly has always desturbed me is the "head" movies. the Exorcist, Nightmare on Elm Street. I have watched them all an dalways came away with a bad feeling. FEAR!! for weeks would have to keep all the lights on, sleep with on eye open. It has just occurred to me that way back when nasty people had already occupied my mind and though I had it so buried these "mind possession" movies would stir something up. I was afraid of someone putting things in my mind or possessing it to the point of panic. Make sense?
:confused: Grasshopper
:confused: Grasshopper
orchardlady
02-24-2007, 11:55 AM
Nicki, what I wanted to say last night was that you are doing such a wonderful job of opening up with details. Of course, I haven't been in this board long, so maybe you have done this detail work before in here, I have no way of knowing. I do know that having the ability to open up in here..."invisible"...has helped me tremendously...my wellbeing and opening up to Dr.Jim.
Consider bringing the issue with movies up to your therapist? It may be that the movies and the dream have a correlation.
:angel:'s are watching over you,
Carolyn
Angels = the folks in this board.
Consider bringing the issue with movies up to your therapist? It may be that the movies and the dream have a correlation.
:angel:'s are watching over you,
Carolyn
Angels = the folks in this board.
hergy
02-24-2007, 04:50 PM
The good thing is that you were and are a strong enough person that NEVER acted on the MOVIE.... Some people, get so into the movie that they ACT them out..... NOT A GOOD THING!
Strange that you said that. You couldn't be more right. The movie to which I referred is a Japanese film called "Suicide Club.":rolleyes:
Strange that you said that. You couldn't be more right. The movie to which I referred is a Japanese film called "Suicide Club.":rolleyes:
stick2013
02-24-2007, 06:02 PM
Nikki,
Well I am REALLY Happier than a PIG IN S*** that you didn't act on it......You are enough to give me heart failure sometimes with your answers.......:nono: But I still love you to pieces girlfriend.....:p :p
Are you feeling any better?? Things will slow down, and you will fall into your new skin soon... Then you will start looking for the drama again... DON'T you DARE try and MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!! Sometimes once we get to a point that things have totaly calmed down, we get BORED with the way things are, it's TO CALM, and we get edgy, and sometimes if you let it get the best of you....You LOOK for ways to stir the S***..... DON'T DO IT.....You will get used to the BORDEM and will learn to enjoy it... I Promise............
Love you,
Sid
Well I am REALLY Happier than a PIG IN S*** that you didn't act on it......You are enough to give me heart failure sometimes with your answers.......:nono: But I still love you to pieces girlfriend.....:p :p
Are you feeling any better?? Things will slow down, and you will fall into your new skin soon... Then you will start looking for the drama again... DON'T you DARE try and MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!! Sometimes once we get to a point that things have totaly calmed down, we get BORED with the way things are, it's TO CALM, and we get edgy, and sometimes if you let it get the best of you....You LOOK for ways to stir the S***..... DON'T DO IT.....You will get used to the BORDEM and will learn to enjoy it... I Promise............
Love you,
Sid
hergy
02-24-2007, 09:42 PM
Well I am REALLY Happier than a PIG IN S*** that you didn't act on it......You are enough to give me heart failure sometimes with your answers.......:nono: But I still love you to pieces girlfriend.....:p
Sid,
Sorry I alarmed you.:( (I laughed at the pig in poop thing, though.:D )
I usually guard my words on the boards, so I never would have even named the movie, but it was so weird that you posted what you did.
You're very good at knowing what's next. I'm still feeling blank, not wanting to communicate or do things I enjoy. I discussed my current mood with my therapist yesterday. Seems I'm depressed, but like a sped up, wide-eyed, totally numb and weird kind of depressed.
Things do seem to be slowing down like you said. I won't try to stir trouble, but I can already see how much I'd like to. On top of being depressed, I feel like a big party is over and everybody's going home.
I firmly believe your advice. You haven't been wrong and, lately, you've been spot on about my next move.
Thank you so much for caring. It's such a relief to know things are happening the way they're supposed to. You sure do a lot for me.
I love you!:wave:
Nikki
Sid,
Sorry I alarmed you.:( (I laughed at the pig in poop thing, though.:D )
I usually guard my words on the boards, so I never would have even named the movie, but it was so weird that you posted what you did.
You're very good at knowing what's next. I'm still feeling blank, not wanting to communicate or do things I enjoy. I discussed my current mood with my therapist yesterday. Seems I'm depressed, but like a sped up, wide-eyed, totally numb and weird kind of depressed.
Things do seem to be slowing down like you said. I won't try to stir trouble, but I can already see how much I'd like to. On top of being depressed, I feel like a big party is over and everybody's going home.
I firmly believe your advice. You haven't been wrong and, lately, you've been spot on about my next move.
Thank you so much for caring. It's such a relief to know things are happening the way they're supposed to. You sure do a lot for me.
I love you!:wave:
Nikki
stick2013
02-25-2007, 07:51 AM
Nikki,
Yes the party is over, but guest will show up (univited) once in awhile, and you will have to deal with them when they do. By then you will KNOW how. Your reaction to the "guest" will be pivotal. You will need to know if they get the boot quickly, or if they are allowed to stay UNDER your RULES, and BOUNDARIES.......
The depression that you speak of, is it really depression, or just ................Like a JUNKIE coming down off a very long HIGH???? I tend to think it's NOT depression, but rather a very huge let down off a very big high. You will have to find ways,(HEALTHY WAYS) to fill the viod that the VACATED TRAUMA has left.....Go back to the things that you enjoyed doing. Try and fill that void by trying to get into the old job that you did, but by doing it at home. Doodle with it.......Go to a gym, work out, find something that you can enjoy that's healthy and start doing it.....The void will soon be filled and you will feel TONS better...
Love you bunches... MY GOD girl HOW far you have come....You are amazing... and my special :angel:
Love you,
Sid
Yes the party is over, but guest will show up (univited) once in awhile, and you will have to deal with them when they do. By then you will KNOW how. Your reaction to the "guest" will be pivotal. You will need to know if they get the boot quickly, or if they are allowed to stay UNDER your RULES, and BOUNDARIES.......
The depression that you speak of, is it really depression, or just ................Like a JUNKIE coming down off a very long HIGH???? I tend to think it's NOT depression, but rather a very huge let down off a very big high. You will have to find ways,(HEALTHY WAYS) to fill the viod that the VACATED TRAUMA has left.....Go back to the things that you enjoyed doing. Try and fill that void by trying to get into the old job that you did, but by doing it at home. Doodle with it.......Go to a gym, work out, find something that you can enjoy that's healthy and start doing it.....The void will soon be filled and you will feel TONS better...
Love you bunches... MY GOD girl HOW far you have come....You are amazing... and my special :angel:
Love you,
Sid
ICC
02-25-2007, 09:10 AM
Nikki --- Sid did the best job that anyone could have. the party being over is the end to the bad. I've said it 10000000 times. even though it's bad feelings they consume your life and without them, when change and recovery happen it's so different and somewhat boring at times without all the drama around you and in your own mind. You'll get used to it. I'm still working on it but catch myself when i start thinking in my old mode. As far as the depression goes , back in august i think I had anervous breakdown. have never been that down in my life. It was a turning point for me as the PTSD hit me like a ton of bricks and everything was coming out at once. DEPRESSING! SCARY! After weeks of not being able to go out alone and crying constantly I drug my butt to my PCP who set me straight with what was going on and what i had to do about it. Hence going back in therapy and coming here. Nikki I thought I was dying. that my life was over. It wasn't. it ws just beginning in a healthy way that was so unfamiliar to me I thought i was crazy. No words can ever explain how proud Sid and I are of you and you accomplishments. I can never explain how much the both of you mean to me.
Love,
Grasshopper ;)
Love,
Grasshopper ;)
Sannah
02-25-2007, 10:05 AM
Nikki, I have been coming here every-other-day for the last week and you all do so much work while I am gone! I cannot believe the progress that you are making either! It is truly amazing to watch! Like ICC said, maybe you are numb because you have lost all of your "disturbing" emotions and now there is nothing there until you fill it with healthy emotions. Maybe you just need to learn how now so in the meantime there is nothing? It is very interesting what Sid has been saying all along, that recovering people get bored when the chaos leaves and then you want to stir things up. Anyway, congrats on all of your progress!
Love you
Sannah
Love you
Sannah
ICC
02-25-2007, 10:33 AM
good morning sannah --- nice to see you. we haven't talked in awhile. Ever since you post on confrontations I have to tell you that life seems so much different to me. thank-you. Between all of us and what we have been through and have to offer i feel recovery is inevitable. :blob_fire I believe the boredom is just being so used to living a chaotic life, even if only having a chaotic mind, and then BOOM!!! peace and quiet for a time. We honeatly are uncomfortable with it until we realize that no one is hurting us anymore and we can be happy just don't know how to yet. Takes a littel time but boy oh boy you can get used to it and learn to love it and yourself. I have to say God bless all of you. I wouldn't be where i am now if not for all of my friends here. Sannah, you and I have been other places on the boards together for awhile, FTM-- you kept me here with your loving kind manner and support, Sid you have been there for me more times than I can count with your knowledge and support ( and of course the bat) Nikki --- just elling me that i have helped you has made me feel so valuable. All others--- just reading your posts and feeling I have gained something from each of you. Hope to be able to continue to give back always.
Love,
Grasshopper
Love,
Grasshopper