hergy
02-23-2007, 07:03 PM
I finally touched the tip of Hurricane Floyd's role in my life today in therapy. I've mentioned it to my therapist before, but I explained a bit more today. According to her, I exhibit symptoms of PTSD in connection with the event. Great!:rolleyes:
Early in 1999, I began having flashbacks about the rapes. A few months later came hurricanes Dennis and Floyd which brought some big floods. I lost my home. Then I started having more flashbacks about the rapes. By the end of 1999, I was losing hair, having stress incontinence and was out of my head. I haven't been the same since then.
My therapist explained to me that one trauma can trigger more memories about another trauma.
I lost all my belongings, photos, keepsakes, everything, in the flood. Some guys took me in a boat to my house to get my cat. When I saw my house mostly under water, I knew she wouldn't be ok. I remember opening my back door (my washing machine floating just inside) and hearing her cries. She was alive! She later died after a sickness she caught after the flood. I never got over her. A lot of people, including myself, got very sick. Lots of ugly organisms were contaminating everything after the water went down.
My head was on another planet during that whole experience. The rapes were first in line, so the flood has been on the back burner. I still get 'flood nightmares' pretty often, though. Sometimes, in my nightmares, some other trauma is happening underwater. Weird, huh?
I thought I'd hold out in therapy and deal with the traumas one by one, maybe in chronological order. Seems things are just popping out however they please.
Nikki
Early in 1999, I began having flashbacks about the rapes. A few months later came hurricanes Dennis and Floyd which brought some big floods. I lost my home. Then I started having more flashbacks about the rapes. By the end of 1999, I was losing hair, having stress incontinence and was out of my head. I haven't been the same since then.
My therapist explained to me that one trauma can trigger more memories about another trauma.
I lost all my belongings, photos, keepsakes, everything, in the flood. Some guys took me in a boat to my house to get my cat. When I saw my house mostly under water, I knew she wouldn't be ok. I remember opening my back door (my washing machine floating just inside) and hearing her cries. She was alive! She later died after a sickness she caught after the flood. I never got over her. A lot of people, including myself, got very sick. Lots of ugly organisms were contaminating everything after the water went down.
My head was on another planet during that whole experience. The rapes were first in line, so the flood has been on the back burner. I still get 'flood nightmares' pretty often, though. Sometimes, in my nightmares, some other trauma is happening underwater. Weird, huh?
I thought I'd hold out in therapy and deal with the traumas one by one, maybe in chronological order. Seems things are just popping out however they please.
Nikki
Sponsor
stick2013
02-23-2007, 07:15 PM
Nikki,
Trauma, after, trauma, nightmare after nightmare, flashback after flashback...Yup it's the nature of the "Beast." Nothing is "IN ORDER", somethings don't ever make sense, and sometimes you can't relate to ANY of it.
Sorry about your cat.....I had 2 one time that I LOVED... They were actually very smart cats... I was about to house sit for someone for the entire winter, and just before I moved in, she informed me that I could NOT have my cats. I had already given up my apartment(as I would be living at her house for 5 months) I had no choice but to give them up. I sat on the floor of the Humane Society crying like a baby. They were adopted in 2 weeks TOGETHER.... They were brothers from a litter and at 2 yrs old they had always been together... I was at least relieved for that small gift.
It's good that things are POPPING OUT...I know it's hard to deal with this stuff, but we have too.......Holding things in, just makes them "FESTER" beneath the surface.....
You are well on your way, and I know that you are working hard at getting better.... So proud of you......
Love you....
Sid
Trauma, after, trauma, nightmare after nightmare, flashback after flashback...Yup it's the nature of the "Beast." Nothing is "IN ORDER", somethings don't ever make sense, and sometimes you can't relate to ANY of it.
Sorry about your cat.....I had 2 one time that I LOVED... They were actually very smart cats... I was about to house sit for someone for the entire winter, and just before I moved in, she informed me that I could NOT have my cats. I had already given up my apartment(as I would be living at her house for 5 months) I had no choice but to give them up. I sat on the floor of the Humane Society crying like a baby. They were adopted in 2 weeks TOGETHER.... They were brothers from a litter and at 2 yrs old they had always been together... I was at least relieved for that small gift.
It's good that things are POPPING OUT...I know it's hard to deal with this stuff, but we have too.......Holding things in, just makes them "FESTER" beneath the surface.....
You are well on your way, and I know that you are working hard at getting better.... So proud of you......
Love you....
Sid
Phoenix
02-23-2007, 11:15 PM
Dear Nikki,
You wrote:
"Sometimes, in my nightmares, some other trauma is happening underwater. Weird, huh?"
This could mean that some issue is not ready to surface yet.(just an opinion)
Take care
God Bless
FTM
You wrote:
"Sometimes, in my nightmares, some other trauma is happening underwater. Weird, huh?"
This could mean that some issue is not ready to surface yet.(just an opinion)
Take care
God Bless
FTM
hergy
02-24-2007, 12:30 AM
It's good that things are POPPING OUT...I know it's hard to deal with this stuff, but we have too.......Holding things in, just makes them "FESTER" beneath the surface.....
What you say is true. At the end of 2005, I was a violently shaken can of Dr. Pepper. The can was opened and it was chaotic me everywhere.:dizzy:
I'm learning how to release stuff as I go. Still, I've got to get rid of what's still there, quite a bit of trauma lost in carbonated foam.
I'm sorry about your cats, too. It's a pain I know well.
I love you!
Nikki
What you say is true. At the end of 2005, I was a violently shaken can of Dr. Pepper. The can was opened and it was chaotic me everywhere.:dizzy:
I'm learning how to release stuff as I go. Still, I've got to get rid of what's still there, quite a bit of trauma lost in carbonated foam.
I'm sorry about your cats, too. It's a pain I know well.
I love you!
Nikki
hergy
02-24-2007, 12:57 AM
This could mean that some issue is not ready to surface yet.
Well, there's always some sort of drama going on in the water during those stupid flood nightmares.
Every flood nightmare involves, of course, water filling an enormous space, usually threatening the lives of others. I'm usually underwater or going underwater, frantically trying to alert someone or save somebody. My immediate family is almost always around while I'm underwater or going under. They never join me. I've often surfaced to get help from one of them, mostly my father, but they never pay attention to me.
Well, there's always some sort of drama going on in the water during those stupid flood nightmares.
Every flood nightmare involves, of course, water filling an enormous space, usually threatening the lives of others. I'm usually underwater or going underwater, frantically trying to alert someone or save somebody. My immediate family is almost always around while I'm underwater or going under. They never join me. I've often surfaced to get help from one of them, mostly my father, but they never pay attention to me.
stick2013
02-24-2007, 07:46 AM
Nikki,
I am sure that Sannah can give you a better thought on your dream, but I think that you know what it really means. They won't or can't help you in your dream, and they do the same in reality. You are looking for acceptance from them......We have talked about this before, and you know that they can't or won't so you have to go on without it... BUT!!!!!!!! You know that your ADOPTIVE family here, your 2 cyber moms, brother, and several sisters and aunts and uncles will ALWAYS give you that acceptance. If you could give YOURSELF the added acceptance that you need, then you truly would be OK.......
Love you,
Sid
I am sure that Sannah can give you a better thought on your dream, but I think that you know what it really means. They won't or can't help you in your dream, and they do the same in reality. You are looking for acceptance from them......We have talked about this before, and you know that they can't or won't so you have to go on without it... BUT!!!!!!!! You know that your ADOPTIVE family here, your 2 cyber moms, brother, and several sisters and aunts and uncles will ALWAYS give you that acceptance. If you could give YOURSELF the added acceptance that you need, then you truly would be OK.......
Love you,
Sid
ICC
02-24-2007, 08:33 AM
Nikki -- The water dreams mean exactley what they look like. You are trying to keep yourself above water, stop yourself from drowning. It's a good dream because you can see clearly that you ARE keeping yourself above water and not drowning even though you are struggling to do it. The dream is telling you that your family can't even save themselves let alone help you. Dreams of this nature are part of your sub-conscious telling you what IS going on with you. Very accurate. You are working hard trying to stay above water but still have that fear of drowning. I used to have them years ago and talked to a therapist and starting reading what i could about them. It's just another sign that you are on the road. I'm sure Sannah will come along and can add to it . she's really good at this stuff. Just wanted to let you know my experience and what I have learned about drowning/water dreams. I swam through all of my childhood since age 5 into my late teens. So fear of water or it's damage doesn't exist for me. The water is just a symbol in your dremas of what is going on in your mind.
Love you,
Grasshopper xo
Love you,
Grasshopper xo
orchardlady
02-24-2007, 11:47 AM
I've mentioned it to my therapist before, but I explained a bit more today.
Nikki, this is what happened to me last Thurs with Dr.Jim. He complimented me for the details. Said that I was at the tip of the preverbial iceberg. So too are you.
I also commented about that fact that I have so many issues it is hard to stay focused on just one from week to week. This is not unusual when there are so many, and when it is up to us (the patient) to maintain that focus.
I too keep so many memories in front, out of the closet. Why is that?
I constantly have recall of my first traumatic even...outside of my family life...Hurricane Donna, 1960...I was 11 yrs. My MVA...the one minute I woke up in the car before passing out again...the one minute on the stretcher when the Trooper asked me a question...two minutes in the ER when I over heard the Trooper talking to the woman who caused the accident...one minute when I woke up in OR holding, teeth chattering and found my check piled high with ice to stop the bleeding...then nothing until 24 hours later...4:10pm on the hospital room clock.
Gratefully for me, I have never remembered a dream...never. I think it is because at some point in my childhood my mind simply stopped the recall, maybe because all my dreams were about fear of my father, or about the constant spankings with hairbrushes and belts, maybe both and more...I honestly don't know.
Your breakthrough with your therapist was a great one. As painful as it is to remember and vividly recall and verbally speak about them, it is so important to do so to heal properly.
Keep moving forward. Take no shortcuts. Don't step to the side of the road.
Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
Raymond Lindquist
Pain is our familiar. Letting go of it is very hard, since it is like a love/hate relationship. But, letting go is necessary to begin to love ourselves and properly heal.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin
Everyone here is struggling with the Risk to Blossom. Our familiar is the Tight Bud.
:angel:,s are watching over you,
Carolyn
Nikki, this is what happened to me last Thurs with Dr.Jim. He complimented me for the details. Said that I was at the tip of the preverbial iceberg. So too are you.
I also commented about that fact that I have so many issues it is hard to stay focused on just one from week to week. This is not unusual when there are so many, and when it is up to us (the patient) to maintain that focus.
I too keep so many memories in front, out of the closet. Why is that?
I constantly have recall of my first traumatic even...outside of my family life...Hurricane Donna, 1960...I was 11 yrs. My MVA...the one minute I woke up in the car before passing out again...the one minute on the stretcher when the Trooper asked me a question...two minutes in the ER when I over heard the Trooper talking to the woman who caused the accident...one minute when I woke up in OR holding, teeth chattering and found my check piled high with ice to stop the bleeding...then nothing until 24 hours later...4:10pm on the hospital room clock.
Gratefully for me, I have never remembered a dream...never. I think it is because at some point in my childhood my mind simply stopped the recall, maybe because all my dreams were about fear of my father, or about the constant spankings with hairbrushes and belts, maybe both and more...I honestly don't know.
Your breakthrough with your therapist was a great one. As painful as it is to remember and vividly recall and verbally speak about them, it is so important to do so to heal properly.
Keep moving forward. Take no shortcuts. Don't step to the side of the road.
Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
Raymond Lindquist
Pain is our familiar. Letting go of it is very hard, since it is like a love/hate relationship. But, letting go is necessary to begin to love ourselves and properly heal.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin
Everyone here is struggling with the Risk to Blossom. Our familiar is the Tight Bud.
:angel:,s are watching over you,
Carolyn
ICC
02-24-2007, 02:46 PM
carolyn --- well put. i feel it is one of our biggest problems that being letting go of the old. good or bad it is familiar and unknown waters are frightening as we don't know what to expect and having been hurt so much we tend to back up. Difference being when you reach a certain point in healing you are so much better equipped to weed through it all toprotect yourself. most with PTSD live on the edge as that's what we are used to. danger, hurt, trauma, pain, sadness. to be happy is a frightening feeling that you feel very slowly and very cautiously. We're all gonoing to make it. It just takes time, effort, determination, lots of hard work and alot of remembering and feeling the bad along the way. we are all entitled to happiness, peace, love, comfort and support. Let's go for it together.
Love to all,
Grasshopper
Love to all,
Grasshopper
Sannah
02-25-2007, 10:47 AM
Hello everyone, I agree with ICC on the dream interpretation. You feel like you are drowning and your family is not trying to save you. Thanks for your confidence in me everyone!
Also, I see this issues continuing to come out one after the other until all of these repressed issues are out. This sounds very healthy to me even though it must be tough.
Also, I see this issues continuing to come out one after the other until all of these repressed issues are out. This sounds very healthy to me even though it must be tough.
Sannah
02-25-2007, 10:53 AM
Every flood nightmare involves, of course, water filling an enormous space,
usually threatening the lives of others.
I'm usually underwater or going underwater, frantically trying to alert someone
or save somebody.
My immediate family is almost always around while I'm underwater or going under. They never join me. I've often surfaced to get help from one of them, mostly my father, but they never pay attention to me.
Nikki, you say that the flood is threatening others and that you are trying to save somebody. What this says to me is that you are ignoring your own needs and only trying to meet others needs even though you are going under yourself.
usually threatening the lives of others.
I'm usually underwater or going underwater, frantically trying to alert someone
or save somebody.
My immediate family is almost always around while I'm underwater or going under. They never join me. I've often surfaced to get help from one of them, mostly my father, but they never pay attention to me.
Nikki, you say that the flood is threatening others and that you are trying to save somebody. What this says to me is that you are ignoring your own needs and only trying to meet others needs even though you are going under yourself.
stick2013
02-25-2007, 02:23 PM
Sannah,
I think that with NIKKI's recent behavior.... Yes she is underwater some of the time....BUT she surfaces looking for HELP... She is fighting to stay above the surface, and even alone she will fight to stay there if she has too....She knows that her family can't or won't help, but she is still looking. She can stay afloat here, and with her therapist, and best friend.....:) :)
Hugs,
PS, I think that this is a wonderful place to swim.....sometimes we even have to learn to hold our breath under water. Sometimes we have swollowed some, and have choked. BUT NONE OF US HAVE DROWNED YET!!!!!
Sid
I think that with NIKKI's recent behavior.... Yes she is underwater some of the time....BUT she surfaces looking for HELP... She is fighting to stay above the surface, and even alone she will fight to stay there if she has too....She knows that her family can't or won't help, but she is still looking. She can stay afloat here, and with her therapist, and best friend.....:) :)
Hugs,
PS, I think that this is a wonderful place to swim.....sometimes we even have to learn to hold our breath under water. Sometimes we have swollowed some, and have choked. BUT NONE OF US HAVE DROWNED YET!!!!!
Sid
hergy
02-26-2007, 06:24 AM
...I think that this is a wonderful place to swim.....sometimes we even have to learn to hold our breath under water. Sometimes we have swollowed some, and have choked. BUT NONE OF US HAVE DROWNED YET!!!
Ugh! It took me more than an hour to post this message.:mad: I use my parents' computer and it's experiencing some major technical difficulties.
It may be an easy fix for the tech guy. If not, he'll take it for a few days.
I'm ok. The stupid machine is freezing on every page. I'll be posting again as soon as the computer is feeling better.
Sid, I do like to swim here. That's why I suit up every day.
But, during the flood, a mouthful of contaminated water could mess you up. A casket floated to the surface in the cemetery across the street (not contaminating, just unnerving), there were dead animals and sewage, and a hog farm was close to my home (hog levines are notorious for contamination). And there was poop in my house! The whole town smelled REALLY BAD and lots of us got sick.
Love you!
Nikki
Ugh! It took me more than an hour to post this message.:mad: I use my parents' computer and it's experiencing some major technical difficulties.
It may be an easy fix for the tech guy. If not, he'll take it for a few days.
I'm ok. The stupid machine is freezing on every page. I'll be posting again as soon as the computer is feeling better.
Sid, I do like to swim here. That's why I suit up every day.
But, during the flood, a mouthful of contaminated water could mess you up. A casket floated to the surface in the cemetery across the street (not contaminating, just unnerving), there were dead animals and sewage, and a hog farm was close to my home (hog levines are notorious for contamination). And there was poop in my house! The whole town smelled REALLY BAD and lots of us got sick.
Love you!
Nikki
stick2013
02-26-2007, 07:13 AM
Nikki,
I am so glad that I read this post BEFORE my breakfast....Gee girl you have such a way with descriptive post... Just fills me with warm and NOT so wonderful feelings in my tummy.....All I can say is that it's a good thing that you are cute, and I love you dearly.....LOL!!!!!!!!
Caskets floating would DO ME IN!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not do the death scene very well, and that sight would have put me in the local NUT house for sometimes.....
OK well I think that i wll just try and forget this for the day..... NOT a PRETTY sight.....
If I lived near you, I would take a look at your computer. Do you have anti spyware, and anti adware, and a good virus protection? Run a defrag, disc clean, clean out temp files????? Run a file check????
Ok enough for now, the dogs a driving me batty, they want to eat, and oh yes POOP.......
Love you,
Sid
I am so glad that I read this post BEFORE my breakfast....Gee girl you have such a way with descriptive post... Just fills me with warm and NOT so wonderful feelings in my tummy.....All I can say is that it's a good thing that you are cute, and I love you dearly.....LOL!!!!!!!!
Caskets floating would DO ME IN!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not do the death scene very well, and that sight would have put me in the local NUT house for sometimes.....
OK well I think that i wll just try and forget this for the day..... NOT a PRETTY sight.....
If I lived near you, I would take a look at your computer. Do you have anti spyware, and anti adware, and a good virus protection? Run a defrag, disc clean, clean out temp files????? Run a file check????
Ok enough for now, the dogs a driving me batty, they want to eat, and oh yes POOP.......
Love you,
Sid
Sannah
02-26-2007, 12:00 PM
Nikki and Sid, please tell me when I am being too brutally honest, okay? Please tell me when my blunt personality is just too much for what you need at the moment, okay?
Sid, I see what you wrote here, I hear the tone, and I also see that you wrote this right after you read Carolyn's thread where I talked about mothers and children. It seems that what I wrote might have disturbed you? Please give me feedback and be honest.
Sid, I see what you wrote here, I hear the tone, and I also see that you wrote this right after you read Carolyn's thread where I talked about mothers and children. It seems that what I wrote might have disturbed you? Please give me feedback and be honest.
zencat
02-26-2007, 01:08 PM
Hi :wave: Nikki, Sannah, Sid, Grasshopper, Carolyn.
Flood dreams also involve, at least for me, rebirth. I guess that has something to do with a christen upbringing. My flood dreams wash everything away in a chaotic rush, laying before me the shattered remains of my past. The destruction of what was and never to be used again. I see it for what it really was, all those memories hidden within the pretty houses and buildings lay before, inside out, covered in the thick black emotional sludge of my present and past state. Like Noah. I stand on sanctified land, ready to build a new life, a new beginning.
I live for dreams and boy do I have some beautiful as well as disturbing :eek: ones. But the fun for me really begins when I know I’m dreaming and start flying all over the place. I learned to do this by a method called; Lucid Dreaming, once you learn this your dream life will never be the same. It doesn’t work for me but about one in ten dreams, but when it dose, OH MY!!…. what a wonderful experience that it leaves me mystified. What beauty the mind is capable of, is breath taking. Google: Lucid Dreaming, and maybe, just maybe you too will leave this earthly plane in dreams unlike ever before.
Hugs
Zencat
Flood dreams also involve, at least for me, rebirth. I guess that has something to do with a christen upbringing. My flood dreams wash everything away in a chaotic rush, laying before me the shattered remains of my past. The destruction of what was and never to be used again. I see it for what it really was, all those memories hidden within the pretty houses and buildings lay before, inside out, covered in the thick black emotional sludge of my present and past state. Like Noah. I stand on sanctified land, ready to build a new life, a new beginning.
I live for dreams and boy do I have some beautiful as well as disturbing :eek: ones. But the fun for me really begins when I know I’m dreaming and start flying all over the place. I learned to do this by a method called; Lucid Dreaming, once you learn this your dream life will never be the same. It doesn’t work for me but about one in ten dreams, but when it dose, OH MY!!…. what a wonderful experience that it leaves me mystified. What beauty the mind is capable of, is breath taking. Google: Lucid Dreaming, and maybe, just maybe you too will leave this earthly plane in dreams unlike ever before.
Hugs
Zencat
ICC
02-26-2007, 02:15 PM
Hi zencat --- nice to see you. everything OK? you are right. I totally forgot that years ago shortly after my water dreams i felt renewed. I used to have them alot. I was always treading water and everyone in the pool with me was having a hard time keeping their heads above water. Most of these people had multiple issues and when I let go of them it was a relief to me. Very dysfunctional people and I believe the dreams helped me immensly to move on. God bless. I will look up "lucid dreams" as I don't dream very often but they always pertain to something going on in my life.
Hugs my friend,
Grasshopper:wave:
Hugs my friend,
Grasshopper:wave:
hergy
02-26-2007, 02:57 PM
Gee girl you have such a way with descriptive post... Just fills me with warm and NOT so wonderful feelings in my tummy.....All I can say is that it's a good thing that you are cute, and I love you dearly.....LOL!!!!!!!!
Caskets floating would DO ME IN!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not do the death scene very well, and that sight would have put me in the local NUT house for sometimes
Again, sorry about that. I can dissociate and tell things without thinking how gross they might be. I'm working on my bad filters.
I'm pretty proud of myself with the computer thing. My parents have a PC. I have experience with Macs, not PCs, so I'm not very good at troubleshooting with them. I've only been here with it a year.
However, after my cat woke me up at 4:30am, I decided to come check it out. I got it going for now. My mom seems to have inadvertently trashed some important files belonging to one of the software programs. The computer has been having trouble for a while, so I'm sure the tech should check it out at some point.
Love you!
Nikki
Caskets floating would DO ME IN!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not do the death scene very well, and that sight would have put me in the local NUT house for sometimes
Again, sorry about that. I can dissociate and tell things without thinking how gross they might be. I'm working on my bad filters.
I'm pretty proud of myself with the computer thing. My parents have a PC. I have experience with Macs, not PCs, so I'm not very good at troubleshooting with them. I've only been here with it a year.
However, after my cat woke me up at 4:30am, I decided to come check it out. I got it going for now. My mom seems to have inadvertently trashed some important files belonging to one of the software programs. The computer has been having trouble for a while, so I'm sure the tech should check it out at some point.
Love you!
Nikki
stick2013
02-26-2007, 03:52 PM
hi Zen........
Lucid dreams... Never heard of them, but i will google them....Hope you are doing ok.... How are things going in you new found love life????? Still going good????
Hugs,
Sid
Nikki,
I knew that you were smart. I will teach you PC stuff, and I am dumber than an empty box of rocks when it comes to Mac's, so you can teach me.
It's ok, about your graphic descriptions.... I actually enjoy your posts VERY much. You have a way with words, phrases, and are very loquacious in you verbiage......
Keep swimming sweetie, and soon you will get the hell out of this swamp of PTSD filled crap.
Love you too,
Sid
Lucid dreams... Never heard of them, but i will google them....Hope you are doing ok.... How are things going in you new found love life????? Still going good????
Hugs,
Sid
Nikki,
I knew that you were smart. I will teach you PC stuff, and I am dumber than an empty box of rocks when it comes to Mac's, so you can teach me.
It's ok, about your graphic descriptions.... I actually enjoy your posts VERY much. You have a way with words, phrases, and are very loquacious in you verbiage......
Keep swimming sweetie, and soon you will get the hell out of this swamp of PTSD filled crap.
Love you too,
Sid
orchardlady
02-26-2007, 08:24 PM
I know I am coming in to this thread rather late in the game, but...
There are many kinds of water dreams...e.g. waterfall, carrying water, waterslide, etc.
I'm usually underwater or going underwater, frantically trying to alert someone or save somebody. My immediate family is almost always around while I'm underwater or going under. They never join me. I've often surfaced to get help from one of them, mostly my father, but they never pay attention to me.
Underwater dreams where you are underwater, "suggests that you are feeling overcome with emotions and are in need of greater control in your life. You may be in over your head regarding some situation."
Nikki, does this not describe how you feel about your family...wanting to have some semblance of control (for lack of a better word at the moment), but knowing you may not be able to find that control with your family?
Carolyn
There are many kinds of water dreams...e.g. waterfall, carrying water, waterslide, etc.
I'm usually underwater or going underwater, frantically trying to alert someone or save somebody. My immediate family is almost always around while I'm underwater or going under. They never join me. I've often surfaced to get help from one of them, mostly my father, but they never pay attention to me.
Underwater dreams where you are underwater, "suggests that you are feeling overcome with emotions and are in need of greater control in your life. You may be in over your head regarding some situation."
Nikki, does this not describe how you feel about your family...wanting to have some semblance of control (for lack of a better word at the moment), but knowing you may not be able to find that control with your family?
Carolyn
hergy
02-26-2007, 09:09 PM
It's ok, about your graphic descriptions....Keep swimming sweetie, and soon you will get the hell out of this swamp of PTSD filled crap.
Empty box of rocks? :)
Thanks for the compliments on my posts. I'm always anxious to read yours.:wave:
Thanks so much for your confidence in me. I've been going back into a funk, feeling really stupid for thinking I was almost at the finish line. All of sudden I can see the road, which is progress because I never knew there was one. But I'm at the beginning. I want to be at the end.
I'm totally numb, but flashbacks like lightning have been striking me out of nowhere. I'm so disappointed that this isn't over. I'd like to distract myself, but I'm not interested in ANYTHING.
My therapist said I should be glad about the progress I've made in getting things out in the open, getting the exam, stopping SI. She even said I'm dissociating less. She reminded me that with all that's been going on, it's normal to feel numb. She said the mind decides when it needs a break. If it breaks too long, she said, my psychiatrist can look at my meds.
I am more comfortable now with verbal expressions of love, that's a plus. But I'm becoming increasingly more uncomfortable with feeling.
Just when I think the memories have stopped and I'm getting a handle on things, I watch a crime show with a scene that kicks me into 1976 and knocks the breath out of me. I felt the terror, anger, helplessness and physical pain. I FELT. I HATE IT. I FELT HER FEAR AND THE PAIN SHE EXPERIENCED. I froze again. I couldn't stop looking and I couldn't wait for the scene to be over. Not only was my distrust, suspicion and anger toward men reawakened, but my memories started breathing. I filled with hate. Then, I got blank again. I feel like a TV - on, off, on, off. It's confusing.
Though occasionally feeling feels like an ice pick in my eye, the constant numbness has me dwelling on my first ever serious thought about not taking my medication for bipolar disorder.
I see my therapist Thursday. I'll try to spill it then. Please tell me this is normal.
Love you!
Nikki
Empty box of rocks? :)
Thanks for the compliments on my posts. I'm always anxious to read yours.:wave:
Thanks so much for your confidence in me. I've been going back into a funk, feeling really stupid for thinking I was almost at the finish line. All of sudden I can see the road, which is progress because I never knew there was one. But I'm at the beginning. I want to be at the end.
I'm totally numb, but flashbacks like lightning have been striking me out of nowhere. I'm so disappointed that this isn't over. I'd like to distract myself, but I'm not interested in ANYTHING.
My therapist said I should be glad about the progress I've made in getting things out in the open, getting the exam, stopping SI. She even said I'm dissociating less. She reminded me that with all that's been going on, it's normal to feel numb. She said the mind decides when it needs a break. If it breaks too long, she said, my psychiatrist can look at my meds.
I am more comfortable now with verbal expressions of love, that's a plus. But I'm becoming increasingly more uncomfortable with feeling.
Just when I think the memories have stopped and I'm getting a handle on things, I watch a crime show with a scene that kicks me into 1976 and knocks the breath out of me. I felt the terror, anger, helplessness and physical pain. I FELT. I HATE IT. I FELT HER FEAR AND THE PAIN SHE EXPERIENCED. I froze again. I couldn't stop looking and I couldn't wait for the scene to be over. Not only was my distrust, suspicion and anger toward men reawakened, but my memories started breathing. I filled with hate. Then, I got blank again. I feel like a TV - on, off, on, off. It's confusing.
Though occasionally feeling feels like an ice pick in my eye, the constant numbness has me dwelling on my first ever serious thought about not taking my medication for bipolar disorder.
I see my therapist Thursday. I'll try to spill it then. Please tell me this is normal.
Love you!
Nikki
orchardlady
02-26-2007, 09:34 PM
Nikki, I believe that as we begin to get serious about helping ourselves, things my feel as though they are getting worse. But, to deal with the past and to recover from the past we have to know what and why we fear.
Not sure I am saying what I am thinking. Easier for me to use myself as an example.
Last week then I saw Dr.Jim I talked about the things that disturb me so much...people on the street, on TV, in movies getting hurt...love stories...etc...all symptoms of the avoidance of my past experiences that I have blacked out. He almost stood up and applauded, calling my words serious progress.
Since I have been posting here, I have begun to remember bits and pieces of memory about my childhood. Nothing significant, but it is a start. I know that my fears are primarily rooted there. I can't understand my startle response and my avoidance of love stores, etc., until I know what triggers them.
So, I suppose this means that it may get worse before it gets better. BUT, it is not going to be a good thing if I take those memories and live them over and over and over again day in and day out. But if I can compartmentalize them as puzzle pieces, part of a work-in-progress (whatever description works) then I can manage them. If I let them take me over, then I will be in big trouble.
Hard work is hard work. Trying to go around it won't fix anything. Pushing straight through the middle is the only way for me to make progress.
Not sure I am saying what I am thinking. Easier for me to use myself as an example.
Last week then I saw Dr.Jim I talked about the things that disturb me so much...people on the street, on TV, in movies getting hurt...love stories...etc...all symptoms of the avoidance of my past experiences that I have blacked out. He almost stood up and applauded, calling my words serious progress.
Since I have been posting here, I have begun to remember bits and pieces of memory about my childhood. Nothing significant, but it is a start. I know that my fears are primarily rooted there. I can't understand my startle response and my avoidance of love stores, etc., until I know what triggers them.
So, I suppose this means that it may get worse before it gets better. BUT, it is not going to be a good thing if I take those memories and live them over and over and over again day in and day out. But if I can compartmentalize them as puzzle pieces, part of a work-in-progress (whatever description works) then I can manage them. If I let them take me over, then I will be in big trouble.
Hard work is hard work. Trying to go around it won't fix anything. Pushing straight through the middle is the only way for me to make progress.
stick2013
02-26-2007, 10:08 PM
Well there Miss Nikki,
One thing I know about bi-polar people.......When they START to feel NORMAL, the first thing that want to do is STOP their meds. Don't believe me.... Go ask your therapist, or shrink....DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDS!!!!!!!!!!
You need those girlfriend. They keep you on an even keel.....Ok so it's not so even right now, it kind of sways and dips, BUT it keeps moving. If you come off of the meds YOU know what is going to happen...You will either fly high, or crash real low.......At least on the meds it's somewhat of a smoother ride.....Please don't stop taking them...Ok???
Nikki, I have told you many times that this is a long journey hon....It ain't over yet. You have so much yet to learn, and figure out. It took you 30 yrs to get here, it may take you that long to get away from it. Don't get discouraged. It's a battle. Every day you will learn more, and feel better. It just takes time.
As far as feel uncomfortable with Feelings......Nikki, you haven't felt ANYTHING in 30 yrs, of course you are frightened. Just don't stop yet. Let the feelings come...If it gets to hard to handle, then you can block them for a little while....
For right now, I think that I would start watching Finding Nemo, Bambi, Snow White and the seven dummies, (ooppps dwarfs) Let's just say that these things that you are watching are NOT so good for you right now, and it may be more productive if you have a change of entertainment for awhile.....What you were having is a flashback to 1976. The rape. I describe mine or at least some of them like snippets of movies, or single pictures that flash in my brain over, and over, and over....Sometimes it can last for hours, days, or end in a minute. These are normal feelings for people with PT. When it happens you need to try and ground yourself......I am not asking you to get over it, I am asking you to try and accept them for now, ground yourself, and let the feelings settle down. Don't think too much about the feelings right now... Focus on grounding yourself.....Deal with the feelings later when you have calmed down and are safe again...
Yes, what you are feeling is normal....I know it sucks, but they are normal for NOW... Things will get better as you learn how to control the flashbacks, and learn how to handle your emotions better. There are many steps hon, and these are just a few baby steps right now......
Don't get discouraged please.....and DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDS...Or I will beat you with my BAT!!!!!!!!
Love you bunches..
Sid
One thing I know about bi-polar people.......When they START to feel NORMAL, the first thing that want to do is STOP their meds. Don't believe me.... Go ask your therapist, or shrink....DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDS!!!!!!!!!!
You need those girlfriend. They keep you on an even keel.....Ok so it's not so even right now, it kind of sways and dips, BUT it keeps moving. If you come off of the meds YOU know what is going to happen...You will either fly high, or crash real low.......At least on the meds it's somewhat of a smoother ride.....Please don't stop taking them...Ok???
Nikki, I have told you many times that this is a long journey hon....It ain't over yet. You have so much yet to learn, and figure out. It took you 30 yrs to get here, it may take you that long to get away from it. Don't get discouraged. It's a battle. Every day you will learn more, and feel better. It just takes time.
As far as feel uncomfortable with Feelings......Nikki, you haven't felt ANYTHING in 30 yrs, of course you are frightened. Just don't stop yet. Let the feelings come...If it gets to hard to handle, then you can block them for a little while....
For right now, I think that I would start watching Finding Nemo, Bambi, Snow White and the seven dummies, (ooppps dwarfs) Let's just say that these things that you are watching are NOT so good for you right now, and it may be more productive if you have a change of entertainment for awhile.....What you were having is a flashback to 1976. The rape. I describe mine or at least some of them like snippets of movies, or single pictures that flash in my brain over, and over, and over....Sometimes it can last for hours, days, or end in a minute. These are normal feelings for people with PT. When it happens you need to try and ground yourself......I am not asking you to get over it, I am asking you to try and accept them for now, ground yourself, and let the feelings settle down. Don't think too much about the feelings right now... Focus on grounding yourself.....Deal with the feelings later when you have calmed down and are safe again...
Yes, what you are feeling is normal....I know it sucks, but they are normal for NOW... Things will get better as you learn how to control the flashbacks, and learn how to handle your emotions better. There are many steps hon, and these are just a few baby steps right now......
Don't get discouraged please.....and DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDS...Or I will beat you with my BAT!!!!!!!!
Love you bunches..
Sid
hergy
02-27-2007, 12:53 AM
One thing I know about bi-polar people.......When they START to feel NORMAL, the first thing that want to do is STOP their meds....DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDS!!!!!!!!!!
....this is a long journey hon....It ain't over yet.....It took you 30 yrs to get here, it may take you that long to get away from it. Don't get discouraged....you haven't felt ANYTHING in 30 yrs, of course you are frightened.
For right now, I think that I would start watching Finding Nemo, Bambi, Snow White and the seven dummies, (ooppps dwarfs) Let's just say that these things that you are watching are NOT so good for you right now, and it may be more productive if you have a change of entertainment for awhile
Yes, what you are feeling is normal....I know it sucks, but they are normal for NOW
DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDS...Or I will beat you with my BAT!!!!
Sid,
You are wise and awesome and so in my head. Sometimes I feel naked when you come out with that stuff like how bipolar people want to get off their meds when they feel ok.:dizzy: I'm ashamed that I want to get off the meds, but I'm most creative and passionate when I'm crazy. The meds dull me; I feel unnatural. I'm a slave to them. But I promise, I won't stop the meds. I just REALLY want to.:mad:
Everything you said was the validation and firm advice I needed. I know I was jumping the gun, but the thought of getting ok was such a beautiful image in my head. You're right, it is a long journey, but my legs are ready.
Normal. Thank you so much. The flashbacks with feeling hurt so much more than any others I've ever had. Knowing it's normal to keep having this crap is relieving. (I didn't even say it was a rape scene. You are in my head. You probably even know the show I watched last night.)
Finding Nemo. Not a bad idea.
I love you lots!
Nikki
....this is a long journey hon....It ain't over yet.....It took you 30 yrs to get here, it may take you that long to get away from it. Don't get discouraged....you haven't felt ANYTHING in 30 yrs, of course you are frightened.
For right now, I think that I would start watching Finding Nemo, Bambi, Snow White and the seven dummies, (ooppps dwarfs) Let's just say that these things that you are watching are NOT so good for you right now, and it may be more productive if you have a change of entertainment for awhile
Yes, what you are feeling is normal....I know it sucks, but they are normal for NOW
DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDS...Or I will beat you with my BAT!!!!
Sid,
You are wise and awesome and so in my head. Sometimes I feel naked when you come out with that stuff like how bipolar people want to get off their meds when they feel ok.:dizzy: I'm ashamed that I want to get off the meds, but I'm most creative and passionate when I'm crazy. The meds dull me; I feel unnatural. I'm a slave to them. But I promise, I won't stop the meds. I just REALLY want to.:mad:
Everything you said was the validation and firm advice I needed. I know I was jumping the gun, but the thought of getting ok was such a beautiful image in my head. You're right, it is a long journey, but my legs are ready.
Normal. Thank you so much. The flashbacks with feeling hurt so much more than any others I've ever had. Knowing it's normal to keep having this crap is relieving. (I didn't even say it was a rape scene. You are in my head. You probably even know the show I watched last night.)
Finding Nemo. Not a bad idea.
I love you lots!
Nikki
hergy
02-27-2007, 12:58 AM
....it may get worse before it gets better.
You hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what my psychiatrist told me. It doesn't make the 'worse' any easier, but it's good to know.
Weird, I avoid love stories, too. They depress me more than disaster movies, crime shows and other plots.
Thanks, orchardlady.
Nikki
You hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what my psychiatrist told me. It doesn't make the 'worse' any easier, but it's good to know.
Weird, I avoid love stories, too. They depress me more than disaster movies, crime shows and other plots.
Thanks, orchardlady.
Nikki
stick2013
02-27-2007, 06:21 AM
Nikki,
I know it's tough right now... All of the "FEELINGS" that you haven't felt before. You probably just want to run, make them stop, go away... It's ok, yes they suck, and it's hard to deal with.... But what is better??? Going through life like a zombie, not feeling anything, with turmoil, and confussion, or being uncomfortable, and a little out of contril right now??? Once you learn how to ground yourself, you will have better control over the flashbacks, and will ease things somewhat in that dept. Finding out your triggers will help tons. I use avoidance with those if I have too.
I know that you hate the Meds, most bi-polar's do, but you really do need them. Maybe down the road there can be a trial of lowering your dosage, but for now I would leave things as is. You need all the help that you can get right now. Imagine yourself going through a flashback with NO meds...THAT would NOT be a good thing.....
Sorry I didn't pay attention to your TV viewing the other night.....LOL:D I will have to start tuning in...
Love you bunches,
Hugs girlfriend
Sid
I know it's tough right now... All of the "FEELINGS" that you haven't felt before. You probably just want to run, make them stop, go away... It's ok, yes they suck, and it's hard to deal with.... But what is better??? Going through life like a zombie, not feeling anything, with turmoil, and confussion, or being uncomfortable, and a little out of contril right now??? Once you learn how to ground yourself, you will have better control over the flashbacks, and will ease things somewhat in that dept. Finding out your triggers will help tons. I use avoidance with those if I have too.
I know that you hate the Meds, most bi-polar's do, but you really do need them. Maybe down the road there can be a trial of lowering your dosage, but for now I would leave things as is. You need all the help that you can get right now. Imagine yourself going through a flashback with NO meds...THAT would NOT be a good thing.....
Sorry I didn't pay attention to your TV viewing the other night.....LOL:D I will have to start tuning in...
Love you bunches,
Hugs girlfriend
Sid
ICC
02-27-2007, 09:21 AM
Nikki ----- Your feelings of numbness are so very normal at this point. Also after feeling hurt and pain for 30 years You can't possibly recognize good feelings right now. I now I didn't for along time and still don't constantly. I still drift back into fear and ugly thoughts. We're just no there yet. You have about as muchpatience as I do.:D I have ZIPPO! want immediate results. Used to feel like "ok I got this all out , why aren't I happy YET" I know I hae to re-learn how to think and live. After 50 some years of living and thinking one way it's so hard to change. it's a 24/7 in my mind. Hard to keep yourelf up without sliding down. It is a struggle. But we have come so far I know I have no intention of going back and try to be aware if i'm going downhill again. SInce we both dissociate it's hard to even keep a handle on that and stop yourself. the other day I was typing away an e-mail to my daughter and thought I had a stroke.:eek: Couldn't remember how to type, where the space bar was, simple thoughts evaded me. Where was I? remembering that my daughter's 31st birthday is thursday. Don't let the mind fool you. When you feel something is off it probably is. Your therapist is right. the mind shuts down when it's had enough. We're going to recover together, if it takes Sid's bat we'll make it. Just more time and hard work.
Love you girlfriend,
Grasshopper
Love you girlfriend,
Grasshopper
hergy
02-27-2007, 08:32 PM
Imagine yourself going through a flashback with NO meds...THAT would NOT be a good thing.
True. I just hate feeling so dead. But I'd be dead, or in a hospital, if I wasn't on the stupid meds. I actually don't want to be dead or lose control of my impulses. I wish medication didn't have to help me with that.:mad:
You are so awesome for understanding about the meds.:) I very rarely discuss meds, bipolar disorder or other mental illness issues. Combined, they have rubbed me so raw I avoid talking about them like the plague.
I do want to run. But you're right: zombie or uncomfortable - I shouldn't even have to think twice about that one.
You know when you're out in the snow, nicely bundled up, and end up having to shovel or dig your car out? You were warm in your clothes, but then you start to sweat. Then you're a weird hot, wet, cold, uncomfortable mess. Mentally, that's how I feel. I want to take off my clothes and dry off or jump in a pool.:bouncing:
Thanks for caring and helping.:wave:
I love you!
Nikki
If you ever did catch me watching some of the crap I don't avoid, you'd be swinging the bat before you got the chance to tell me I'm a s***.:p
True. I just hate feeling so dead. But I'd be dead, or in a hospital, if I wasn't on the stupid meds. I actually don't want to be dead or lose control of my impulses. I wish medication didn't have to help me with that.:mad:
You are so awesome for understanding about the meds.:) I very rarely discuss meds, bipolar disorder or other mental illness issues. Combined, they have rubbed me so raw I avoid talking about them like the plague.
I do want to run. But you're right: zombie or uncomfortable - I shouldn't even have to think twice about that one.
You know when you're out in the snow, nicely bundled up, and end up having to shovel or dig your car out? You were warm in your clothes, but then you start to sweat. Then you're a weird hot, wet, cold, uncomfortable mess. Mentally, that's how I feel. I want to take off my clothes and dry off or jump in a pool.:bouncing:
Thanks for caring and helping.:wave:
I love you!
Nikki
If you ever did catch me watching some of the crap I don't avoid, you'd be swinging the bat before you got the chance to tell me I'm a s***.:p
hergy
02-27-2007, 08:49 PM
You have about as much patience as I do.:D I have ZIPPO!
SInce we both dissociate it's hard to even keep a handle on that and stop yourself. the other day I was typing away an e-mail to my daughter and thought I had a stroke.:eek: Couldn't remember how to type, where the space bar was, simple thoughts evaded me. Where was I? remembering that my daughter's 31st birthday is thursday. Don't let the mind fool you. When you feel something is off it probably is. Your therapist is right. the mind shuts down when it's had enough.
I'm sorry about the experience you had on remembering your daughter's birthday. When pain slaps you again and again, it's easy to give in to dissociation's 'magic.'
You're right, I'm extremely impatient. That's been a large portion of my problem for the past year. I keep expecting to get all better right away so I can move on with my life.:mad:
Not long after my flashbacks started, I'd have moments similar to what you described. Once, I couldn't remember which hand I use.:confused: That was scary, because I knew I used one or the other, but neither one felt right. In 2005, the year after my cancer treatment, I once argued off and on for weeks with my mother about how old I was. I was wrong. It took me a while to realize it. I guess I was discounting the 'cancer year.'
Thanks for sticking with me.
Love you, too!
Nikki
SInce we both dissociate it's hard to even keep a handle on that and stop yourself. the other day I was typing away an e-mail to my daughter and thought I had a stroke.:eek: Couldn't remember how to type, where the space bar was, simple thoughts evaded me. Where was I? remembering that my daughter's 31st birthday is thursday. Don't let the mind fool you. When you feel something is off it probably is. Your therapist is right. the mind shuts down when it's had enough.
I'm sorry about the experience you had on remembering your daughter's birthday. When pain slaps you again and again, it's easy to give in to dissociation's 'magic.'
You're right, I'm extremely impatient. That's been a large portion of my problem for the past year. I keep expecting to get all better right away so I can move on with my life.:mad:
Not long after my flashbacks started, I'd have moments similar to what you described. Once, I couldn't remember which hand I use.:confused: That was scary, because I knew I used one or the other, but neither one felt right. In 2005, the year after my cancer treatment, I once argued off and on for weeks with my mother about how old I was. I was wrong. It took me a while to realize it. I guess I was discounting the 'cancer year.'
Thanks for sticking with me.
Love you, too!
Nikki
hergy
02-27-2007, 08:59 PM
Well there Miss Nikki,
Oh, by the way, I love that phrase. You own it now, so it puts a big smile on my face.:)
It's also the phrase that's blinking in neon pink as the bat is about 5 inches from my face.:eek:
Thanks for your love! I love you!
Nikki
Oh, by the way, I love that phrase. You own it now, so it puts a big smile on my face.:)
It's also the phrase that's blinking in neon pink as the bat is about 5 inches from my face.:eek:
Thanks for your love! I love you!
Nikki
stick2013
02-27-2007, 10:07 PM
Nikki, You wrote........
You know when you're out in the snow, nicely bundled up, and end up having to shovel or dig your car out? You were warm in your clothes, but then you start to sweat. Then you're a weird hot, wet, cold, uncomfortable mess. Mentally, that's how I feel. I want to take off my clothes and dry off or jump in a pool.
Miss Nikki......LOL!!!! Have you forgotten that I am 53 yrs old, going through MENOPAUSE!!!!!!! Remeber... I am the one that when the hot flash starts, I want to rip my clothes off and run through the streets butt naked!!!!! It's BAD enough having them, but MENTALLY............
When do you have your next appointment with your shrink???? Ask him or her if there is a possibility to cut down a LITTLE bit on the meds for a trial period. Explain EVERYTHING to him. How you are REALLY trying to come to terms with everything, you STOPPED cutting, ect. FOR A TRIAL ONLY!!!!!!! You would have to be honest, and agree that if you felt that you were losing control that you would go back to the original dose.....ASK, the only thing he could say is NO......You have to be proactive and honest in your own health care....
I don't know why you would be ashamed of any of your problems... Big deal so you are bi polar..... It's not like you have 3 heads. Now that would be weird. Acceptance for who you are, and ALL of your faults Nikki, is part of the healing process......EVERYONE on this board has an emotional, or mental health issue, you are no different. So just accept YOU for EVERYTHING that you are OK??????
I Love you too hon, 3 heads and all......:D
Squishy hugs sweetie,
Sweet dreams,
Sid
You know when you're out in the snow, nicely bundled up, and end up having to shovel or dig your car out? You were warm in your clothes, but then you start to sweat. Then you're a weird hot, wet, cold, uncomfortable mess. Mentally, that's how I feel. I want to take off my clothes and dry off or jump in a pool.
Miss Nikki......LOL!!!! Have you forgotten that I am 53 yrs old, going through MENOPAUSE!!!!!!! Remeber... I am the one that when the hot flash starts, I want to rip my clothes off and run through the streets butt naked!!!!! It's BAD enough having them, but MENTALLY............
When do you have your next appointment with your shrink???? Ask him or her if there is a possibility to cut down a LITTLE bit on the meds for a trial period. Explain EVERYTHING to him. How you are REALLY trying to come to terms with everything, you STOPPED cutting, ect. FOR A TRIAL ONLY!!!!!!! You would have to be honest, and agree that if you felt that you were losing control that you would go back to the original dose.....ASK, the only thing he could say is NO......You have to be proactive and honest in your own health care....
I don't know why you would be ashamed of any of your problems... Big deal so you are bi polar..... It's not like you have 3 heads. Now that would be weird. Acceptance for who you are, and ALL of your faults Nikki, is part of the healing process......EVERYONE on this board has an emotional, or mental health issue, you are no different. So just accept YOU for EVERYTHING that you are OK??????
I Love you too hon, 3 heads and all......:D
Squishy hugs sweetie,
Sweet dreams,
Sid
ICC
02-28-2007, 08:01 AM
Nikki -- Sid's on it. good idea. but you have to be honest with him and put in your mind if he ok's the cut in dosage that IF you don't feel right you will up it again. OK? Deal? You know we have to come up with a name for Sid. You are "Miss Nikki" and I am "Miss Cranky Pants" so i think it's time. :blob_fire
You heard me loud and clear. That's exactley what i'm going through. simple things i blank out and don't no my name. Someone asked my date of birth the other day and i thought "Oh Dear God, when was I born":eek: I forget how to write, how to hold a pen, I put the milk in the trash and my tea in the freezer:cool: Called our TV the navigation system the other day. Both of my daughters knew what I meant but my husband looked at me kind of funny.:dizzy: We'll be OK just have to be careful and keep plugging ahead. I keep checking the newspaper everyday in hopes to see our Sid streaking down the highway in a snow storm.;)
Love you,
Grasshopper
You heard me loud and clear. That's exactley what i'm going through. simple things i blank out and don't no my name. Someone asked my date of birth the other day and i thought "Oh Dear God, when was I born":eek: I forget how to write, how to hold a pen, I put the milk in the trash and my tea in the freezer:cool: Called our TV the navigation system the other day. Both of my daughters knew what I meant but my husband looked at me kind of funny.:dizzy: We'll be OK just have to be careful and keep plugging ahead. I keep checking the newspaper everyday in hopes to see our Sid streaking down the highway in a snow storm.;)
Love you,
Grasshopper
stick2013
02-28-2007, 03:09 PM
Ok you 2 NO NAMES for me.....B**** is already my middle name....LOL!!! hehehehehehehhehehehh
I am a little stressed out today. Things have been nutty since 2 am this morning. I awoke to one of the dogs SCREAMING.... I have never head such an awful sound... It was the old, blind, arthritic one.(18yrs old and WAY beyond his expiration date) He had gotten into the sunroom, fallen between the loveseat and the coffee table and couldn't get up. I had to PICK him up. He is part Shepard, and husky so he isn't a small dog. Then had to bring him outside. Back to bed, and I overslept. I will be glad when tomorrow comes, and I will go home. It's been very stressful here, with this dog. He can hardly stand up to eat, last night his legs went out from under him and he laid on the floor to try and eat. I have had to pick him up at least 10 times in a week. The other one, part coyote, and yellow lab, is like a juvenile delinquent. He has kept me busy just trying to keep up with his playfulness..... I NEED A REST.......
Nikki, when do you see your Dr. again???? Are you going to talk about a med reduction????? Just be honest with im ok??????? Hope you are ok today, and not so messed up. Hopefully things are a little calmer in your head as each day goes by. Just remember it takes awhile hon to get there........
Love you bunches....Miss Nikki....
PS.... Do not listen to Miss Cranky Pants......... She is just starting trouble.....Giving out names.... Who ever heard of such a silly thing.....:D :D
Hugs,
Sid
I am a little stressed out today. Things have been nutty since 2 am this morning. I awoke to one of the dogs SCREAMING.... I have never head such an awful sound... It was the old, blind, arthritic one.(18yrs old and WAY beyond his expiration date) He had gotten into the sunroom, fallen between the loveseat and the coffee table and couldn't get up. I had to PICK him up. He is part Shepard, and husky so he isn't a small dog. Then had to bring him outside. Back to bed, and I overslept. I will be glad when tomorrow comes, and I will go home. It's been very stressful here, with this dog. He can hardly stand up to eat, last night his legs went out from under him and he laid on the floor to try and eat. I have had to pick him up at least 10 times in a week. The other one, part coyote, and yellow lab, is like a juvenile delinquent. He has kept me busy just trying to keep up with his playfulness..... I NEED A REST.......
Nikki, when do you see your Dr. again???? Are you going to talk about a med reduction????? Just be honest with im ok??????? Hope you are ok today, and not so messed up. Hopefully things are a little calmer in your head as each day goes by. Just remember it takes awhile hon to get there........
Love you bunches....Miss Nikki....
PS.... Do not listen to Miss Cranky Pants......... She is just starting trouble.....Giving out names.... Who ever heard of such a silly thing.....:D :D
Hugs,
Sid
ICC
02-28-2007, 05:07 PM
Oh Sid --- how hard this must be on you. and scary. I have buried many of my own animals so I know how to love them and how scary it is when they get old and you don't know from one minute to the next if something has happened and them not being yours, what a responsibility. Ok so you are done tomorrow. What will you do to relax, comfort yourself, be good to yourself/ Never mind I'll answer for you. eat some peanuts on top of your grapenuts and strawberries. Right HUH? you don't smoke or drink. you eat healthy so i figure you'll have to aggravate your belly in some way. I'll bet it will be a pleasure to get back to your own home. we'll talk somemore. get home safely.
Hugs for the ride,
Grasshopper;)
Hugs for the ride,
Grasshopper;)
hergy
02-28-2007, 11:55 PM
Miss Nikki......LOL!!!! Have you forgotten that I am 53 yrs old, going through MENOPAUSE?
No, I didn't forget. I figured you especially would know what I meant. When I start getting hot flashes, I think I'll move back up there. It's too warm here.
I've never run naked with a pal, but you're welcome to join me.:p
I am so sorry about your stress with the dogs. Do something nice for yourself when you get back home. You deserve some pleasant relief. [Pleasant, while beginning with a P, does not mean Planter's.:nono:]
About the meds: I pretty much haven't been the same since 1999. Flashbacks, the flood, cancer and some stuff I'm still not comfortable mentioning triggered some major mental trouble. In addition to my regular meds, my doctor added an anti-psychotic to the mix back then and only recently have I stopped taking anti-psychotic meds. They are the pits.
At the coast here, they put up a flag at the beach when there's too much of an undertow for swimming to be safe. My mental flag has been flying for almost 8 years. My doctors see it, so lowering meds is out of the question. I recently almost got committed by my therapist, so I don't think now is a good time to begin having delusions of grandeur.
My attention on the meds has basically been the result of the numb feeling I've had lately. I've been very depressed, so, thinking ever so unclearly, my answer is to lower medication.:rolleyes:
I see my therapist tomorrow, my psychiatrist Monday. I haven't been in the habit of hiding anything from them, so I'll spill what's going on.
Don't worry, Sid is a cool name. I'm sticking with it. Sid the Cyber Mom is, of course, the full official title.:)
I love you!
Ugh! I got my glasses today. I hate having something on my face. I put up with big problems, but little things like this, ahhhhh! I can see the frames, I have a glare, I feel them on my nose, I'm nauseated... You're fortunate to be out of earshot tonight.:blob_fire
No, I didn't forget. I figured you especially would know what I meant. When I start getting hot flashes, I think I'll move back up there. It's too warm here.
I've never run naked with a pal, but you're welcome to join me.:p
I am so sorry about your stress with the dogs. Do something nice for yourself when you get back home. You deserve some pleasant relief. [Pleasant, while beginning with a P, does not mean Planter's.:nono:]
About the meds: I pretty much haven't been the same since 1999. Flashbacks, the flood, cancer and some stuff I'm still not comfortable mentioning triggered some major mental trouble. In addition to my regular meds, my doctor added an anti-psychotic to the mix back then and only recently have I stopped taking anti-psychotic meds. They are the pits.
At the coast here, they put up a flag at the beach when there's too much of an undertow for swimming to be safe. My mental flag has been flying for almost 8 years. My doctors see it, so lowering meds is out of the question. I recently almost got committed by my therapist, so I don't think now is a good time to begin having delusions of grandeur.
My attention on the meds has basically been the result of the numb feeling I've had lately. I've been very depressed, so, thinking ever so unclearly, my answer is to lower medication.:rolleyes:
I see my therapist tomorrow, my psychiatrist Monday. I haven't been in the habit of hiding anything from them, so I'll spill what's going on.
Don't worry, Sid is a cool name. I'm sticking with it. Sid the Cyber Mom is, of course, the full official title.:)
I love you!
Ugh! I got my glasses today. I hate having something on my face. I put up with big problems, but little things like this, ahhhhh! I can see the frames, I have a glare, I feel them on my nose, I'm nauseated... You're fortunate to be out of earshot tonight.:blob_fire
hergy
03-01-2007, 12:05 AM
I keep checking the newspaper everyday in hopes to see our Sid streaking down the highway in a snow storm.;)
When you see the photo, you can hang it in the Uh-Oh Room near the security footage of me running naked in the rain at 3am in December at my apartment complex.
Navigation system - Sorry, ICC, that's hilarious. My best friend laughs with me when I do stuff like that. I'm laughing with you.:)
Laughter is the best medicine. Especially since there's not any real medicine for that stuff.
Love you!
Nikki
When you see the photo, you can hang it in the Uh-Oh Room near the security footage of me running naked in the rain at 3am in December at my apartment complex.
Navigation system - Sorry, ICC, that's hilarious. My best friend laughs with me when I do stuff like that. I'm laughing with you.:)
Laughter is the best medicine. Especially since there's not any real medicine for that stuff.
Love you!
Nikki
stick2013
03-01-2007, 06:29 AM
Nikki,
Well I can at least say that you DO have your head on straight, and the other 2 heads are staying well hidden. I am glad that you can be aware of the fact that you are not in a good place to do any reduction of your meds. KNOWING your mental stae is a good thing.
I personally know a guy that is Bi-polar, and he plays with his meds ALL the time, never takes them when he should, and ends up back in the WARD. Then wonders WHY???? Of course he NEVER takes responsibility for anything he does, blames others, uses his illness as an excuse for EVERYTHING and in short......He is a pain the the backside. He's not a friend or anything. He lives with this little old lady I know, and she is about to kick his butt to the curb. I wish she would, because he can be violent, and has before.
I have been good about my diet.... I haven't had any peanuts, seeds, or berries in a few weeks. I promised I wouldn't eat them, and I have stuck to that....:p
So you got glasses huh???? Well Miss Nikki I have had them for years. I am far sighted, near sighted, have astigmatisims so bad, and I am double visioned. Oh yes and light sensitive to. I finally got talked into getting frameless glasses 1 1/2 yrs ago. $350.00 for the pair, but well worth the $$$$ Don't even know they are on my head at times. Oh by the way... NO I do not have Bi focals....THOSE I tried, and PUKED for 4 days......Nope can't do 'em. And as far as being out of ear shot......Honey I have a mouth worse than a truck driver when I get going so don't worry about it.....:blob_fire
As far as streaking as a team........Nah, I will leave that up to you youngins, my old bod, just can't handle all the excitment...
Talk to you soon.... Stay focused, your are doing a wonderful job hon.... Can't tell you enough how proud I am of you... You should be proud of your self too for all that you have accomplished...
Much love,
Sid
Well I can at least say that you DO have your head on straight, and the other 2 heads are staying well hidden. I am glad that you can be aware of the fact that you are not in a good place to do any reduction of your meds. KNOWING your mental stae is a good thing.
I personally know a guy that is Bi-polar, and he plays with his meds ALL the time, never takes them when he should, and ends up back in the WARD. Then wonders WHY???? Of course he NEVER takes responsibility for anything he does, blames others, uses his illness as an excuse for EVERYTHING and in short......He is a pain the the backside. He's not a friend or anything. He lives with this little old lady I know, and she is about to kick his butt to the curb. I wish she would, because he can be violent, and has before.
I have been good about my diet.... I haven't had any peanuts, seeds, or berries in a few weeks. I promised I wouldn't eat them, and I have stuck to that....:p
So you got glasses huh???? Well Miss Nikki I have had them for years. I am far sighted, near sighted, have astigmatisims so bad, and I am double visioned. Oh yes and light sensitive to. I finally got talked into getting frameless glasses 1 1/2 yrs ago. $350.00 for the pair, but well worth the $$$$ Don't even know they are on my head at times. Oh by the way... NO I do not have Bi focals....THOSE I tried, and PUKED for 4 days......Nope can't do 'em. And as far as being out of ear shot......Honey I have a mouth worse than a truck driver when I get going so don't worry about it.....:blob_fire
As far as streaking as a team........Nah, I will leave that up to you youngins, my old bod, just can't handle all the excitment...
Talk to you soon.... Stay focused, your are doing a wonderful job hon.... Can't tell you enough how proud I am of you... You should be proud of your self too for all that you have accomplished...
Much love,
Sid
ICC
03-01-2007, 08:20 AM
Hi Nikki -- i'm with SId. I will always support you in your decisions that's why I suggested talking to the dr.s BUT you have your head on straight and know this is a bad time. Good for you. I am proud. Glad I gave you a laugh with the "navigation system" i have new words for everyday things all of a sudden:dizzy: it's like I have no idea what i'm talking about. used to be scary. One day, after saying something really stupid, my husband looked at me and said "for an intelligent woman I can't believe you said that" Now through this I'm laughing like all get out:blob_fire I knew what i said was stupid and informed him at that time that when i say things like that be happy because it means my mind is a blank. Good thing for me since all I do is think and worry. It's a calm for me when my mind is blank. Nothing wrong, just means I'm not thinking about the past or worrying about the future. I am here and carefree. I have worked with numbers for 20 years. very intricate. all the while having 5 people talk to me at the same time, an abusive husband ( not now but the ex when i started the job) 3 kids that i pretty much raised on my own. so my mind is used to holding lots at the same time. when it's clear i am thrilled. Could never do what iused to do. just can't handle it anymore:dizzy: this is all good for me though sometimes i TRY to go back to what i'm used to.:nono:
Hugs,
Grasshopper
Hugs,
Grasshopper
hergy
03-01-2007, 11:50 PM
Stay focused, your are doing a wonderful job hon.... Can't tell you enough how proud I am of you... You should be proud of your self too for all that you have accomplished...
I know a bipolar guy who's the same way as the one you described. Ugh! I have vowed never to become one of those bipolar people. Screwing around with meds is stupid. I HATE being in the psych ward, so I'm not anxious to get myself thrown back. Plus, I'm not a doctor. What the heck do I know about mixing up my meds? Complaining accomplishes nothing but chasing people away. Most people don't even know I'm sick in the head, just... quirky.:p
I'm glad you're being good about your diet. Your health is important. It's important to me now that I know you.:)
Yeah, glasses are attacking my face. I'm farsighted and have astigmatism. That's been the case for years, but I held out as long as possible before getting glasses because I HATE wearing them. My headaches are already lessening. It's frustrating having to take them off when I drive because I still have to look at things close up while driving, so I get those headaches. But working on the computer, watching TV, reading and, basically seeing is much easier. It was amazing how things cleared up when I wore them the first day. I'm sorry you have eye trouble. My best friend has to put on her glasses to find her contacts. I feel pretty lame complaining about my eye trouble to her, now you. Sorry for going on about it.
I can't tell you often enough how much it means to me when you tell me you're proud of me. I can't discuss most of my issues with my parents, so it's nice to hear the praise. Thanks.:)
I know a bipolar guy who's the same way as the one you described. Ugh! I have vowed never to become one of those bipolar people. Screwing around with meds is stupid. I HATE being in the psych ward, so I'm not anxious to get myself thrown back. Plus, I'm not a doctor. What the heck do I know about mixing up my meds? Complaining accomplishes nothing but chasing people away. Most people don't even know I'm sick in the head, just... quirky.:p
I'm glad you're being good about your diet. Your health is important. It's important to me now that I know you.:)
Yeah, glasses are attacking my face. I'm farsighted and have astigmatism. That's been the case for years, but I held out as long as possible before getting glasses because I HATE wearing them. My headaches are already lessening. It's frustrating having to take them off when I drive because I still have to look at things close up while driving, so I get those headaches. But working on the computer, watching TV, reading and, basically seeing is much easier. It was amazing how things cleared up when I wore them the first day. I'm sorry you have eye trouble. My best friend has to put on her glasses to find her contacts. I feel pretty lame complaining about my eye trouble to her, now you. Sorry for going on about it.
I can't tell you often enough how much it means to me when you tell me you're proud of me. I can't discuss most of my issues with my parents, so it's nice to hear the praise. Thanks.:)
hergy
03-02-2007, 12:00 AM
It's a calm for me when my mind is blank. Nothing wrong, just means I'm not thinking about the past or worrying about the future. I am here and carefree.
ICC,
I hear ya! When I'm blank, it's quite intoxicating - a refreshing break from the chaos in my head.
As my other cyber mom, you, too, warm me when you tell me you're proud of me. Thanks for that.
Another blank moment: My most famous "what in the world was I talking about" happened about 18 years ago. I was looking under my mom's wingback chair because it had a wobble. After identifying the problem, I announced, "All that need to be do is screeted.":dizzy: My sister, my mom and a couple of friends were present. My sister knew exactly what I meant (that the screw to one of the legs needed tightening). My family and friends still quote me on that one.
Love you!
Nikki
ICC,
I hear ya! When I'm blank, it's quite intoxicating - a refreshing break from the chaos in my head.
As my other cyber mom, you, too, warm me when you tell me you're proud of me. Thanks for that.
Another blank moment: My most famous "what in the world was I talking about" happened about 18 years ago. I was looking under my mom's wingback chair because it had a wobble. After identifying the problem, I announced, "All that need to be do is screeted.":dizzy: My sister, my mom and a couple of friends were present. My sister knew exactly what I meant (that the screw to one of the legs needed tightening). My family and friends still quote me on that one.
Love you!
Nikki
stick2013
03-02-2007, 06:35 AM
Nikki,
I am glad that you used the word,"Quirky' it shows improvement about how you view yourself. It's a great improvement over your normal description. I am sure that ICC will agree....
Hugs,
Sid
I am glad that you used the word,"Quirky' it shows improvement about how you view yourself. It's a great improvement over your normal description. I am sure that ICC will agree....
Hugs,
Sid
ICC
03-02-2007, 07:26 AM
Oh absolutely Sid ---- Nikki you have come so far. Love your sense of humor. Maybe it's better we can't talk in person.:jester: God only knows what we would be talking about. We seem to have our own strange vocabulary.;) It is a nice feeling getting out of the mess in our own minds. I used to have TV's playing all the time in the back of my mind. All with a different movie and plot. How i worked with numbers for so many years like that i have no idea. Had a few down days this week BUT instead of letting it linger and fester I brought it directly here and Sid walked me through it for 2 days. 2 days vs. 2 months........I would say that progress.
Peace,
Grasshopper
Peace,
Grasshopper