i'm tired. really tired. i like working, but towards the end of the week, i draaaag my body in to work and i find i don't speak to anybody most of the time, just concentrate on the stupid computer in front of me (and i'm thankful i haven't had to deal with clients much lately) b/c i know if i will say something, i'll snap one way or another--and i'm not even PMS-ING!!!!!!!!!

i'm tired of dealing with sickness and the smell of death all around me--both parents being sick at the same time frightens the hell outta me and i'm tired of even THINKING about it. i'm also tired of my sister's irritable ways, her loud voice, and her taking refuge in leaving the situation by going to be with her bf every damn weekend, no matter what. if i were in a better frame of mind, i'd say that's how she copes and i would't give a rat's a--.

i'm tired that my mother, despite her new illness (tachycardia), and new, powerful medication, doesn't want to take it easier, except by leaving my dad's nursing home two hours earlier than usual, on a DAILY basis.

i'm tired that my father is getting SICK AGAIN!!!!!!! pulse went up again last night. mom left him in the overnight's nurse's care (whom we've gotten to know well over the last seven years since his stroke), who said the dr. will visit this weekend, and if things get out of hand, back to the HOSPITAL--AGAIN!!!!!!!! he just came out of the hospital one-two weeks ago.

i'm tired of some people (not you guys) out there who think they're "It," -- the "sh.it", that is--and the fact is that it couldn't be father from the truth. "small-minded" people put themselves on a pedestal and put others down, because THEY are overcompensating for something they lack or are envious of others' (perhaps, a small pric.k--i don't know, maybe). yes, i'm not being a lady, and i'm being cynical and vulgar, but so what?!!!

i'm tired of doing things the best i can, seeing as i have my share of probs, and still feeling, and even being perceived by others that what i do/did is not enough. i'm tired of bosses who don't even have a figment of an idea of how much their employees work and then expect them to do MORE and MORE and MORE.

i'm tired that i feel lonely (but not alone) a lot of the time--maybe b/c i'm not being fully understood. my bf has his own agenda, mostly with work, and he's there when i need him (but i truly didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone last night--not only b/c i got in at around 9:30 pm, since i start work late on fridays, but also b/c most of the time when i have some time off, that's how i feel--i guess b/c i see people everyday). he stays with me and i wonder why. i thought i'd get married by now and have a kid (always dreamt of that), especially since my clock is way ticking at 36 years of age. we've had talks, and the latest thing that comes out of his mouth is that i need to GET BETTER before we can do something. BETTER?????????????? better HOW? ok, he's good, kind, cooks for me, respects me, doesn't push me into se.x, etc., but his own mom had/has depression for crying out loud!!!!!! he KNOWS this doesn't go away, and that it's a CHRONIC freaking disease!!!!!!!!!! maybe that's why he's saying these things. he doesn't want to deal with it long-term, since he saw what his mom went through. and, to prolong the inevitable--not do it/get married, that is.

i see all these girls/women getting hitched (i'm supposed to be a bridesmade in one of my friend's upcoming weddings), young,er older, etc., and it's happening pretty quickly, from marriage to kids. that is. and, i'm envious. then i think, how in heaven am i going to EVEN have a kid with the MEDS i'm on.!!!! yes, i know a piece of paper doesn't say/change much, but......i never experienced that and i don't want to die an 'old maid.' i know there are other options out there--plenty. just thought i'd take the most "established" one first....and not to sound "outdated," but a woman who's asked to marry someone--in this culture of ours--it still says something about her, doesn't it? i mean, doesn't it say that she's wanted and valued enough to share a man's life with? i know lots of you will disagree with me on this.

i'm tired of myself some/many days. really tired. i don't even want to look in the mirror anymore (not b/c i'm ugly, b/c i'm tired of dealing with myself). last night when i got home, i barely got through the door and although i was angry before, while driving, i broke down in tears, after taking my coat off and hanging it up very calmly. i cried on the rack of clothes in the closet, then propped up by the closet door, then slumped on my knees in the hallway. i cried out loud and i coughed,and i prayed, b/c i couldn't take it anymore. wished i could've screamed, but i didn't (HELD IT IN AGAIN), as there are people all around me in this god-forsaken co-op.

i'm tired of my headaches and my migraines. somedays i'd rather chop off my head than endure the pain. migraine is a vascular disease, and i know i shouldn't worry ahead of time, but i'm thinking of my mother's side of the family: gradma had a stroke, mom has heart problems, high cholesterol, etc., and has been on meds for these for at least the past 15-20 years. don't want to become that way. but why think like that now????? i don't know to tell you the truth.

i don't kwow what would make me happy now. i've asked myself that question many times, and i never came up with an answer. i may have dwelt in this misery for so long, i can't think otherwise. we all experience (i'm sure) moments of happiness here and there, but they are fleeting, aren't they? they come and they go, and then bang...back where we started. a lot of the time, i don't even THINK about anything bad, and i still FEEL like crap. how the heck can i explain that to myself. that makes me angry and tired too. like it's never going to frigging end!!!!!!!

i'm tired of writing now. gotta go get ready for work. yeah, i have a werid schedule. off on sun and mon. working tue through sat. great, huh? at least i'm working. thank God for that.

wishing you all a better start to the day than i'm having.

peace and blessings!:angel:

p.s thank God for this board--for letting me vent a little.

Dearest, dearest Dakota, I am so glad that you just unloaded your heart! You are carrying quite a bit of burden! Here are my thoughts - can you let go of the problems with your family? You have no control over the outcomes of your mom's or your dad's health. You are not responsible for them. You have tried to affect the outcomes of their choices and you cannot. I know that I can sound a bit detached sometimes but remember I am a survivor and I will change my mind in any way that I have to in order to survive. It is out of your hands. Same for your sister.

Dakota, in my opinion you need to make some life changes. You are in a life that is making you miserable. You need to free yourself. You talk about the money that you want to make. Well, you are miserable and I think that you need a plan B. I keep thinking of you going off on a trip to find yourself. Have you lived your whole life where you are now? There are many other places to live in the US. People are different all over the country depending on where they live. You live where the cost of living is very high.

Dakota, I hate to hear that you are suffering so and I know that you can have a happier life. Have you checked into that alternative doctor yet?

I read a good book recently about dealing with stress and anger. It helped me, maybe it will help you and maybe not. The recommendation is that when you find yourself thinking about a situation that makes you really angry, shift your focus. Imagine all of your attention moving away from your brain to the area around your heart. Breathe in and imagine the breath going into your heart. Imagine a person or part of your life that fills you with gratitude or compassion. It can be an image from the present or past as long as it evokes one of these feelings. Hold this image and the feeling of gratitude or compassion in your mind for at least 4 to 5 seconds.

Every time you feel yourself starting down that path to anger again, practice locking your attention back to your heart. I tried it for about a week and I could feel it short-circuiting the path to overwhelming anger, the kind you described where you find yourself crying out loud.

If you feel silly doing it, or that you are neglecting something about which you should be legitimately angry, just remember that anger hurts us more than it helps. I think of it as my enemy. It gives us high blood pressure, it floods us with stress hormones, so it's never really worth hanging onto. Don't know if any of this will help but in any case, good luck.

Dear Dakota,

Oh I know to much how you feel, but isn't it great to get it off your chest.
Tired is an understatment on how we all feel..... Anxiety and depression takes so much out of us I wish we could just channel that energy into something else, if it was only that easy.
My therapist just told me to get this book, it's about living in the NOW which I never do. I am always thinking at least a month ahead and how my life is just getting worse because of my depression and how I could be dead soon. Anyway, I have not gotten it yet but it's called the Power of Now by E. Tolle. ANyway, she said it's all about living int eh moment and that is really how you should live your life. Maybe we should all get it and have a book club! :)

Alex

Dakota,

So sorry to hear you're having such a hard time right now. Sounds like you really could use a vacation--would you be able to take some time off and go somewhere you really like? Maybe just go by yourself for a few days. Try to remember too that the bad times always pass, and things will get better again.

Here are my thoughts - can you let go of the problems with your family? You have no control over the outcomes of your mom's or your dad's health. You are not responsible for them. You have tried to affect the outcomes of their choices and you cannot. I know that I can sound a bit detached sometimes but remember I am a survivor and I will change my mind in any way that I have to in order to survive. It is out of your hands. Same for your sister.

Dakota, in my opinion you need to make some life changes. You are in a life that is making you miserable. You need to free yourself. You talk about the money that you want to make. Well, you are miserable and I think that you need a plan B. I keep thinking of you going off on a trip to find yourself. Have you lived your whole life where you are now? There are many other places to live in the US. People are different all over the country depending on where they live. You live where the cost of living is very high.

Have you checked into that alternative doctor yet?

hi dear sannah,

1. i have decided (really) that i've had enough in re to my family's issues, esp. my mom and her decisions about my father. so, i've began to let it go. i'm also taking it easier in terms of her new dx. she's still going through. the same routine sannah, and nobody can tell her otherwise. the other night she called me to tell me that YET AGAIN, his pulse was going craz.y, from 90 to 100+, that he has a fever, etc., etc. etc. i've had enough. i kept saying mmhhhhhh,.. over and over, until she realized i wan't going to let her talk for 1/2 hour anymore. sorry, can't take more of her venting, especially when i can't even vent to her. i put what options i thought were best on the table, in re to dad and to her, but both she and sis do not agree with me about dad, and she doesn't listen to me about herself. you're right!!!--i have no control over them or their choices, and i'm not responsible! i think i've finally realized that to keep my sanity i really have to change my mind and REMAIN detached (as i've been till now). btw, you don't sound detached to me, though.

2. i've been thinking about my life a lot--you're right about that too. i've been thinking about what changes to make, but i don't know what. i need to survive here, sannah, and i can't survive on just $35,000--$38,000 a year, that other companies would offer me at this point. i DON'T like NY, that's a fact. although i was born in the city, i grew up in the country, on a farm, where i roamed free and where i was a tomboy. and i LOVE the country. i'd love to have a farm, believe it or not!!! sounds weird, doesn't it? but, at the same time, i'm afraid to just up and move away by myself, to a place that i don't know anyone from a hole in the wall. if i had someone with me (this bf who i'd like to be my husband in the future, and more recently he claimed he wanted that as well), it wouldn't be so damn bad, then. BUT, i know he WILL NOT move, bec. he's got his career going on, at a univ. here--a post that is very, very hard to get into (he's a prof. of fundamental & philosophical theology--that's why he came to ny from pittsburg!!!), and he's working like a madman for tenure, with writing for publishing and s.hit (still another year or so). i'm still uncertain anyway--about the whole marriage thing, even though he said what he said... but im not thinking aobut that anymore either!!!!!!

3. i've seen other parts of the u.s. from my travels, and i know how peaceful and beautiful other cities and small towns are....so i do have an idea, but no, i've never lived anywhere else but where i live now for a relatively longer period of time, so i cannot compare.

4. i've gotten in touch with an alternative dr. she's a psychiatrist who's also practicing alternative medicine, and she's not that far from me--she's on long island. actually i'm about to call her again today, since we've missed each other when i first called. i want a second opinion on my dx. and on everything having to do with my mental and physical health.

sannah, i want to thank you for your recommendations and suggestions. you're very insightful and "right on"--how do you do it??? :)

Made a posting mistake!

Dakota, I hope you don't think that I ignored your post! I have been busy the last few days and when I got a quick chance to look at the posts yesterday I didn't see yours because it must have been on the second page!

Anyway, yeh, your mom can't vent to you if you can't vent to her!

Living in the country! If you wanted to kill me, all you would have to do is move me to the city and I would deteriorate quickly. I was raised in the country and I have never lived in the city. Dakota, you really need to have a life that makes you happy, okay! Move to Louisville, KY and come find me! (Just kidding moderators!) Louisville is the best kept secret in the US. We have a low cost of living, jobs, pretty good culture for a small city, and lots of green space to name a few!

I am so glad that you are looking into that alternative doctor!

How do I do it? I do scare myself sometimes! I think that it is just that I am so in touch with myself and I have just learned through practice how to understand and get in touch with others. It's really just beautiful!

I read a good book recently about dealing with stress and anger. It helped me, maybe it will help you and maybe not. The recommendation is that when you find yourself thinking about a situation that makes you really angry, shift your focus. Imagine all of your attention moving away from your brain to the area around your heart. Breathe in and imagine the breath going into your heart. Imagine a person or part of your life that fills you with gratitude or compassion. It can be an image from the present or past as long as it evokes one of these feelings. Hold this image and the feeling of gratitude or compassion in your mind for at least 4 to 5 seconds.

Every time you feel yourself starting down that path to anger again, practice locking your attention back to your heart. I tried it for about a week and I could feel it short-circuiting the path to overwhelming anger, the kind you described where you find yourself crying out loud.

If you feel silly doing it, or that you are neglecting something about which you should be legitimately angry, just remember that anger hurts us more than it helps. I think of it as my enemy. It gives us high blood pressure, it floods us with stress hormones, so it's never really worth hanging onto. Don't know if any of this will help but in any case, good luck.


dear stolie,

thanks a lot for your suggestion. it sounds sort of like a buddhist philosophy to me. i've read some buddhism along the way (although i'm not completely sure what you refer to pertains to that--i don't want to be mistaken), and i love many of the aspects and ideas it espouses.

i guess i've done what you've described without even knowing it, and most of the time, the anger turned to sadness and then to crying (you see, my grandmother or grandfather popped into my mind many times--i grew up with them until i was 10 years old, and i have such fond and loving memories of them). they've passed, but i still love them very much, and i've always considered (and been told by my therapists, and pdocs) that they were my first set of parents for me.

no, i will not, and have never felt silly doing something a bit "different" than the ordinary. i've learned not to care anymore, really. it's a good practice especially when in public places. you know, i've been thikning for a long time now, a couple of months, to take a meditation class, and I WILL do it!

thanks so much for responding!! :)
have a good day, stolie!

OMG, Sannah, I was about to say how much i liked Louisville, KY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i passed through it, and was taken in by the big ol, arch that can be seen from way off when you approach the city....i evne told the man i was with that time how much i liked that town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you are UNBELIEVABLE>. do you read minds??????????????????????

Dakota, a big arch? Are you thinking of St. Louis, Missouri? And yes, sometimes I do think I can be psychic. One definition of the psychic phenomenon, however, is that we are all connected to a universal subconscious, you could call this God. So to be psychic you just hook into the universal subconscious and travel along until you connect with whom you want. Sounds easy to me!

i loved the green spaces too, the open places, the horses and cow pastures aroudn the towns...oh lordy...

sannah, you must have a 6th sense...there's no other way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so carl jung was right when he was talking about the collective unconscious!!! :)

so, are you around here somewhere? then tell me what you see! oh gosh, i'm in my worse house-wear stuff....dont' be too harsh!!!

what do i look like? (for a little play and to stray away from all this depressing stuff).

hi alex,

thanks soooo much for replying to my post. it makes it better when you vent, you're right!!!!! most of the time (since i spend it at work) i have to keep my mouth shut and the energy (negative) builds up, so the only time that i get to let go is when i get out of work, in the evenings. then, sometimes, all hell breaks lose, and i'll end up crying. i truly hope that this new pdoc that i'm hopefully going to get in touch with, for a second opinion, will be more helpful to me. and i hope to be able to let go even MORE of things that i can't control.

dear alex, i hope to God you're having a tolerable day today.
many hugs and blessings to you, my friend!! :angel:

Dakota,

So sorry to hear you're having such a hard time right now. Sounds like you really could use a vacation--would you be able to take some time off and go somewhere you really like? Maybe just go by yourself for a few days. Try to remember too that the bad times always pass, and things will get better again.

hi ocean,

you're so sweet to reply! generally, only sannah responds to my posts, probably bec. they're so freakin' long. but i want to thank you for taking the time!!!! i agree that i need a vaca. i would LOVE one as a matter of fact. unfortunately, our company's policy is to utilize all of our four weeks of vacation during the one year in which we accumulate them. there's no carry-over possible. so now, i have to wait for the days to "accumulate" before i can take some time (longer) for myself. although your idea of a weekend away is similar to what my sister's always telling me.

honestly though, with the condition i'm in now (decreasing the effexor), i don't think i can do it by myself. even a weekend away. i know i sound weak and helpless (and some people have had enough when they hear that) but it's how i feel. and i work on saturdays. then my bf. works on mondays. i can always take a vacation day (i probably have at least one or two by now) on a sat., and start going somewhere early in the morning on a sat., but there are other negatives to that--too long to talk about in here now.

thanks v. much for your suggestion though--like a sister's. :)
hope you're doing well!!!
take care of yourself!

Dakota, I totally understand your feeling. I live in NYC too (its been 10 years) and it has finally worn me off! I have always thought I am a city girl (grew up in a HUGE metro city in Asia), but NYC for some reason got into my nerves and I just started to hate it!

From what you described, I agree with Sannah that you need a lifestyle change! If your profession allows, you can look for jobs elsewhere---middlewest, the south, or California. Anywhere that has sunshine and warmer people, lower cost of living, and calmer lifestyle. NYC is too harsh of an enviornment, especially for single girls!

Dakota, I see you as having dark hair to your shoulders, and about 5' 4". On another post when you told someone what your "uniform" looked like - I knew it! Because you come across as very proper!

Wowowowo....sannah. you ARE psychic!!!!!!!!!
unbelievable!!!! i'd love to be taller (which i manage with 2-3" shoes or boots) hey-hey....

hair exactly to my shoulders!! but you forgot the highlights..:) :cool: well, you didn't, since that's not the real me . you know, i get tired of brown hair, so i go through different shades (mostly golden), as the mood strikes (may be my wild side coming through)--and i keep the color for many months....then i change.

and i need to wear contacts or glassess, cuz i'm as blind as a bat. :jester:

Dakota, I totally understand your feeling. I live in NYC too (its been 10 years) and it has finally worn me off! I have always thought I am a city girl (grew up in a HUGE metro city in Asia), but NYC for some reason got into my nerves and I just started to hate it!

From what you described, I agree with Sannah that you need a lifestyle change! If your profession allows, you can look for jobs elsewhere---middlewest, the south, or California. Anywhere that has sunshine and warmer people, lower cost of living, and calmer lifestyle. NYC is too harsh of an enviornment, especially for single girls!

girl, i feel for you!!!! i really do. hong kong? taiwan? tokyo?

i'd love to live where the weather is warmer, since i think that a lack of light in the fall and winter months only add to our state of sadnees around here. and it's in the areas with the most people that some of us feel most alone!!
we need a quieter, calmer, more serene type of life. i completely agree with you, qingche!!!

have you been thinking of leaving ny too?

Well, Dakota, I did cheat a liitle. You said that you were from Romania so I pictured you with dark hair and I knew you would be shorter coming from this area of the world!

Hi Dakota, I am originally from Beijing. I lived there for 23 years before coming to the US. Beijing has some 13 million people! Way more crowded than NYC, but somehow I didn't have any problem with it. Maybe because it was my home... I used to love NYC too, and I have a home here----a very, very loving and caring husband, a beautiful apt, and our lovely dog. But since this winter started, for some reason I got very depressed! All of the sudden it hit me and I was down. :mad: I just can't stand living in this place anymore---the dirty and noisy streets, subway, and cold weather. Everything about this city seems to bother me now. I was never like this before. I guess it finally got into my nerves! Yes I constantly think about leaving this city and moving to somewhere warmer!! But my husband was born and raised here, and he has a great job here. He will never leave, sadly.

Well, I am going back to my country for a month in April (my parents and many relatives, friends are still in Beijing). I am sure it will help me get over some depression. I am also taking Prozac 10mg right now---has only been a week so I don't know if it helps yet. How about you? Are you taking any meds at this point? Are you thinking about moving? I lived in Houston, Texas for a year before moving to NYC---I didn't like Houston so much, but LOVED Austin!! It is so beautiful. The weather is great, and people are so friendly. I wish I could move to Austin...

Dakota, I really know what you mean about not liking where you live. I live in Houston, Tx--just moved into the inner city from the suburbs about a year ago. I didn't like the suburbs because there wasn't much to do, but after we moved here it was real culture shock! Everything is so different, so crowded, noisy, busy, polluted, etc. I'm still having a really hard time adjusting. After the move, I just got more and more depressed, and am just recently starting to feel somewhat better. But I still hate this city, I wish so bad that I could leave here.

Anyway, I hope you are feeling better today.


qingche, I used to live in Austin too, and have always wanted to go back there.

Sometimes a really good rant is what it takes, sometimes it's a good cry. It lets you know your still alive and can feel. After I cry or after I rant I almost always go to my happy relaxing place. This may sound wierd but it's a metal shed, with rain bouncing off of the roof, and just a little bit cool. That usually gets me reset.
Is your b/f scared of commitment? Thats a pretty big problem with us men folk. Good luck and take care.

a metal shed, with rain bouncing off of the roof, and just a little bit cool. That usually gets me reset.
Is your b/f scared of commitment? Thats a pretty big problem with us men folk. Good luck and take care.

hey john,
thanks for replying!

i like the that idea of the metal shed with the rain bouncing off of the roof. it's so simple and so calming. almost like meditating while in there...

i don't know about the bf thing. he may be--although he doesn't mention it, and i don't think he would, since he knows what i'm going through, and at least, he's sensitive to the situation. we've been together only for about one and 1/2 years now. i was in long-term rel. before....one lasted two years, one lasted 3 years, and one lasted 5 years. yes, i was a late bloomer, as they say. i think all, with the exception of the first one (of whom my mother never approved of, although he was a wonderful boy, of a good family, made good $, etc....and of whom she kept saying "he's short, only 5'5" , 5' 6", you can find someone better," etc.,--and i was stupid and inexperienced, so i let him go. actually she never approved of ANY of my bfs....)....anyway, with the exception of that first one, i think all of them left me, or were "uncertain" to some extent, although some didn't show it, because of my depression. they just couldn't put up with my introversion, my lack of energy, my not going out as much as they'd have liked.

God knows, John. i trust Him to show me the way, cuz i'm really down right now.

by the way, sannah, i had another wondrous interaction over the phone with both sis and mother last night.no wonder i'm in such a "splendid" mood this morning! :)

Dakota, what happened over the phone last night?

sannah, need to shower now...
i'll tell you later; it's really over a small, ridiculous thing, but you know how mother makes mountains out of molehills.
thanks for asking though.
:angel:

Dakota, this small stuff that upsets you is very crucial for understanding your relationships and, therefore, what is standing in the way of your happiness!

tell me about it, sannah. it made me cry, and i felt nauseaus. i'm still nauseaus this morning. very much so, actually.

it was about borrowing the car from my sis (i haven't gotten one yet, but i've been looking). my sis called mother to tell her she was going to be a bit late in picking her up from father's last night. unbeknowest to my sister, mother called me and gave me lots of lip service about how i dont' care about her, how dare i couln't do what i had to do all day, being that i was off, and that i could only find time in the evening, when i knew that she (mother) needed to be picked up from the nursing home, bec. she can't take it anymore; that i say i care about her, but obviously i don't because i wouldn't be acting this way if i did. i can give her a stroke with the way i'm acting,....on and on and on. i told her i don't need to borrow my sister's car anymore, and that sis can go and pick her up at her usual time. i said it three times calmly, after which mother hung up on me. ok.... i sat on the couch and cried my eyes out.

earlier in the day, i asked my sister to come home a bit earlier if she could, to borrow the car, but she only got here around 6pm. she had no idea mother called me. i thought mother called HER to tell her to pick her up from the home, after she ranted at me about not caring about her, etc....

then about 1 and 1/2 hours later, sister calls yelling on the phone that she's tired of this sh.it, she can't take it anymore. she went to the nursing home, and told mother that she's not going to get in between me and mother anymore from now on; that we have to talk out our own disagreements, etc. ; apparently, mother didn't want to ride with sister, said all kinds of mean things to her, after sister said these things to her, and then took the buses home. talk about dysfunctional!!!!!

so, mother is putting even more distance between us now. at least that's how i feel...between my sister and i. now, i truly feel more animosity towards both of them....i don't know why towards my sister, though..... guess bec. she's closer to mother....

i don't want this environment to exist anymore. i really want to get the heck outta here.

mother called me and gave me lots of lip service about how i dont' care about her, how dare i couln't do what i had to do all day, being that i was off, and that i could only find time in the evening, when i knew that she (mother) needed to be picked up from the nursing home, bec. she can't take it anymore; that i say i care about her, but obviously i don't because i wouldn't be acting this way if i did. i can give her a stroke with the way i'm acting,....on and on and on.

Dakota, I am mad that you mother spoke to you like this!!!!!! This is totally inappropriate and you don't have to put up with this. This treatment is so disrespectful. What do you think that you could have done so that you wouldn't have had to take this treatment from her?

she spoke in an authoritarian voice, like a general in the army...like i was a criminal, for crying out loud. i could barely get a word in sannah. i could've hung up the phone on her, like i did other times (i truly did!!!!--and then my heart was beating fast and i felt so damned guilty for doing it, but i did it).
i said my piece quietly and calmly. i could've told her that what she said was absolutely not true, that i did care, that i did not mean anything negative towards her by asking to borrow my sister's car; that i don't deserve to be spoken to that way, and much more.

believe me sannah, i DID say these things to my mother before, but she always had/has a comeback that is even more brutal, or she would simply hang up the phone. and then with her tachycardia,....im kind of afraid to really blow up at her. although i also don't want to feel like a piece of rag anymore bec. of how she talks to me.

Dakota, I have an idea. Tell your mother that she can no longer speak to you in that disrespectful way ever again. Write it in a letter if you have to. You must stand up to her. Quietly and calmly isn't going to work with her. You must find your strength. I don't think that you have to explain yourself to her at all. Her accusations are inappropriate and do not deserve a response. Your mother is trying to get her way any way that she can. Can you see how manipulative she is being?

yes, sannah, i've seen she's always about "me, me, me", but i haven't thought her to be manipulative.

i've thought for a long time now to write her a letter. a long letter, telling her everything about me. it's just that most of the time, i can't stand to think about it anymore, especially these days.

i'm finding it harder and harder to go through the days, with this crap in my mind. i wish sooooooooo much i could take an eraser and clean my mind/brain off!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want peace between and within my family. i feel physically ill when there's trouble and misunderstanding there. i need peace in my soul sannah.

how do i find this peace? how do i forget this unnecessary excrement that's filling up my mind here? i want to get rid of it fast. i don't want to think about it anymore.

you said you had issues with your mom? how did you deal with them? how did you make it so that you're not affected by them anymore?

Dakota, mine was easier because my mother was never abusive she was just neglectful. My husband can even see that she is disconnected from everyone. I never had a connection with her so it made it very easy to go on with my life.

It sounds like you want a family so bad that you will just put up with harmful dysfunction to have it. Dakota, your depression is from this dysfunction, this manipulation, this disrespect that you have to put up with. Your needs are the furthest from your mother's mind and they must be the furthest from yours too.

hhhmmmmmm...i need to process that, though it hurts like hell to hear.

i don't know if it's just decreasing the effexor xr. (from 150mg twice daily, before, to 75mg. twice daily now), or the other situations (mostly mother-daughter dynamics going on; fear of imminent death of a parent; and not really knowing where my own life is going in terms of marriage and having a child--which i really want), but this month so far has been, by far, the worst month since the year started.

yesterday i went to work in later, and i'll have to make up the time this whole week...only about four more hours. but that's not the story. the thing is that at a team mtg. i was about to bite a nurse's head off after she said something that was, or i perceived to be a personal attack against my work ethics, and therefore, against me as a whole. she's relatively new to the agency, just came back from a few days' vacation (i dont know how she managed THAT), and had not much of an idea about the issue. i always write my guys' psych progress reports whenever they go to their respective psychiatrists for monitoring, etc. and just bec. it escaped me that one time, she had to point it out --after she got it through her head (and another member at the meeting agreed and started nodding her head "yes"--that one knew better than to SAY something) very bluntly, and insinuating very clearly that i was NOT doing my job. and she has no freaking idea how much work i'm actually doing compared to her. i mean, we have a woman who's a diabetic and requires insulin shots, but, no she's not giving them...we had to have another nurse come in and give the shots to the poor woman, since she can't give them herself for certain reasons; i dont' know if she's there just to make the clients' appts or follow-ups or something.....

anyway, i don't know if this is considered snapping: (she insists being called "Miss (her name)", although she's married and has two college-aged children),so i said, "Miss____, you're making me seem as i'm not doing my job; i always write my progress reports and yes, i may have missed this one time, but then the dr. should've NOT gone and changed ...." and i wasn't even able to finish what i wanted to say, as the supervisor, who's under the assistant exec.director, was there, and she probabbly/most definitely saw me get heated, or my face red or something, (because i was getting extremely angry--i could feel that "Fight-Flight" response and mine was about to stand put and fight, and i swear, i'm not that type of persn at all!!!!--and she she said my name twice before i stopped. when i looked at her she looked back staigth at me, and i could tell her eyes said, "enough." then she, the super (who i actually get along with quite well--and i thank God she was there, otherwise...i don't know how things would've ended, said "we're here to come up with solutions, etc. etc etc."

later on, i apologized to that nurse, (even though, it seems most pple there don't really give a hoot about advocating for the clients they're supposed to help, and are truly most interested in doing as little as possible while making personal calls as much as possible ), saying that i wasn't feeling very well that day. and i wasn't. i'm still not. have had a head cold for a few days now.

well, it took me a while to calm myself, and i tried so damned hard, let me tell you, and even the stupid klonopin i'm taking didn't do the job (and i took four 1mg. yesterday for freak's sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Im afraid this thing is going to impact my job; im afraid my emotions are going to get in the way of my dealing with people at work and then i'll reflect very bad on the annual review. i don't know what is going on here anymore, but i couldn't think straigth yesterday, and i'm afraid for it to happen again. when i think of myself how i used to be, especially in school (quiet, reserved, meek, trying to blend into the walls, not raising a hand in class) and how i'm now (i don't give a rat's 'tail' anymore actually and i say my piece if i feel i have to) i can't believe how i've changed. i don't know why. but it's not a good change. i know that. maybe i say too damn much..maybe i should think more before i talk....but i held it in yesterday until i could't take it in anymore.

i was probably responding to my mother through another woman. but in front of those people and at WORK!!!!!!!!! the consequences can be ugly and i may get fired. i'm scared of being this way. i can't believe myself anymore, like i can't contrl my stupid mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think i'll just have to numb myself with meds to be able to go on through life, otherwise i won't make it. i'm going to shower now. oh God, help me and guide me today.

Dakota darling, what happened was fine! It happens, you are not going to get fired! I guess you have this idea in your head about how a lady is supposed to behave and you - OMG! - over-stepped that boundary! Dakota, I grew up a tom boy - I'm tougher than nails. It's okay.

I think that this change in you is GOOD! Change might feel scary but the way that you were before wasn't working - you were miserable.

dear sannah,

i know what i did was fine. i knew in any other place it would've been ok to stand up and defend oneself. however, this agency is extremely politically correct, and they are catered mostly towards the asian community--the founder was and still seems to be (although she's got cancer and hasn't been in in about a year and replaced her position, the exec. dir. with someone else) a "hardliner"--i know what a hardliner is from what i've seen back in romania--under the communist regime. except she's from china. the work ethic and practice is to put your head down, not say anything, and work, work, work, until 5pm when you raise your head up and go home. i wasn't and am not that way. there are other employees there of other ethnic backgrounds, but i'm not joking when i say, --and i'm NOT exaggerating either-- that myself and the head nurse, who's my "clinical supervisor" (i have two--like i really need them), are the only two caucasians working there. i'm sorry i couldn't put this more delicately.

maybe you were right when you said it's time for a change. but i grew to like and care for the people on my caseload, sannah. when i first started i didn't care as much, but now i do.....it's the other way around for me, for some reason.


ps. i meant no disrespect in any way towards the asian community or any other asian individuals out there. and please know that i'm not generalizing in the least!!!!! i was simply talking about some of the people i've experienced while working at this particular agency. i apologize for even a hint of insult i may have made with my remarks.

gotta go now,
talk later

Well Dakota, sounds like you have put your personality into this little mold with all of these rules and regulations about how you can act and what you can say and how much freedom that you are allowed. I think that it is time to break the mold and have some freedom! If anyone tried to stuff me in a mold I WOULD DIE. Restrictions suffocate me. I can't stand them. Maybe your depression is because you are suffocating! I would like to explore how the political atmosphere in Romania affected your personality. It sounds like you are picking up on the Chinese culture of hard work and respect for authority because of your background. This is the USA, lighten up.

hey sannah,
i came here when i barely turned 12. i lived most of my life here. a lot of what i know about the "old country" is from my parents. i was fortunate enough to have grown in the country, with my grandparents, until i was ten years old, and spend only one year in the city with my parents. i hated the city, because i was felt very lonely most of the time, and because you had to stay in long lines at different stores, for rationed food staples, such as bread, oil, flour, sugar, etc. sometimes, you didn't even know what the heck they had to sell, but you still stayed in line anyway, b/c you saw others doing it, and you hoped they were selling something worthwhile...anything, actually.

but, like i said before, I was spared most of these experiences. i've heard about them from my parents and other people who've LIVEd through them (maybe that's the root of my mother's martyrdom, i don't know). then when i went back to visit, starting in '89, and almost every year after, i saw the "ol' timers" doing pretty well for themselves when the rest of the country could barely survive (although they had everything after the revolution, but they didn't have any money).

i don't get bogged down in politics and i have nobody there now, except two distant relatives with whom we barely keep in touch. i told you before we have a very small family.

this work environment is the only one that i've ever seen where the atmosphere is so tight and so "sensitive" to any changes....and yes, it has affected me. i used to enjoy joking around with my co-workers, laughing, chillin' as they say--you know, take a break during the day-- even when not on lunch, and go around and talk to others, have some fun...forget it!!. all that is impossible in this place! now i basically work, feel neutral when i concentrate on what i have to do, and then feel angry when i'm tired.

i'm just venting now. you don't even have to respond anymore, since i know i'm definitely getting on your nerves by now-- b/c i definitely got on my own nerves. pretty freakin' sad!!!

Dakota, you are not on my nerves! I have actually been worrried about you these last few days. How are you doing now?