finegane
02-25-2007, 01:30 AM
im freaking out. ive been a cutter for about 9 years off an on, i havent cut since last february. i have the urge right now, and i have the tools to do it and do it good. its been a year since i was in the hospital, i tried talking to my friend about the urge to cut and she said she would call my parents. they would send me back. i dont know what to do, im crying and shaking.
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Phoenix
02-25-2007, 03:32 AM
finegane,
Let me know what is going on to make you feel this way.
FTM
Let me know what is going on to make you feel this way.
FTM
stick2013
02-25-2007, 07:25 AM
Finegane,
What's going on???? The last time we heard from you, you seemed to be doing ok, so what happened???? Your post seemed a little desperate, but we can't reaaly help unless we know what's going on. Just take a deep breath, and DON'T CUT.........
Sid
What's going on???? The last time we heard from you, you seemed to be doing ok, so what happened???? Your post seemed a little desperate, but we can't reaaly help unless we know what's going on. Just take a deep breath, and DON'T CUT.........
Sid
ICC
02-25-2007, 08:45 AM
finegane --- we're all here. let us know what brought this on. I agree with SId. I also thought things had calmed down for you. haven't seen you in awhile. Did something happen to throw you off the edge?
I'm here for you,
Grasshopper
I'm here for you,
Grasshopper
Sannah
02-25-2007, 10:42 AM
Finegane, I have known two people on these boards who have stopped cutting (one is Nikki!). They did this because they figured out why they weren't expressing their emotions in a more healthy way.
finegane
02-25-2007, 12:53 PM
sorry for the freakout. i was really mad at my dad for coming home drunk, and then i hurt my friend by telling her that i wanted to cut. i was talking to her for a while and then she said she had to go because i was making her too upset. i guess my emotions kind of got the best of me. i didnt cut, i dont think i was going to, i just havent had that urge in a long time. also, i was upset about the hospital, it is a year ago today that i was admitted. anyways, thanks for the concern, sorry i havent been on for a while, ive been really busy with school.
stick2013
02-25-2007, 01:58 PM
Dear finegane,
I can understand that you get upset over your father getting drunk. but you need to learn to deal with your emotions a little better. First of all telling your friend that you are going to cut, is a childish thing to do. It's a threat... Instaed of trying to hurt someone that cares, try asking her or him for help to deal with your anger with your father. Have you ever had a discussion with your father about how his drinking effects YOU???? That might be another avenue to try also......
Remember that you are NOT in the hospital, but acting like you just did might land you there again, so start thinking about your behavior, and act accordinly. Yes I am being a little tough on you right now...It's called tough love...
Sid
I can understand that you get upset over your father getting drunk. but you need to learn to deal with your emotions a little better. First of all telling your friend that you are going to cut, is a childish thing to do. It's a threat... Instaed of trying to hurt someone that cares, try asking her or him for help to deal with your anger with your father. Have you ever had a discussion with your father about how his drinking effects YOU???? That might be another avenue to try also......
Remember that you are NOT in the hospital, but acting like you just did might land you there again, so start thinking about your behavior, and act accordinly. Yes I am being a little tough on you right now...It's called tough love...
Sid
finegane
02-25-2007, 11:28 PM
I have talked to my father on a couple of occasions, but he doesnt make any changes. i know i was acting like a jerk to my friend, and i feel horrible about it. i know im not in the hospital, and i am planning on doing everything necessary to stay out. last night was just a bit of an emotional breakdown. i am fine today, besides feeling like an a-whole. i dont know what else to say...
stick2013
02-26-2007, 06:13 AM
Fine,
Apparently your father isn't going to change..... So you need to change how you react to his problem. Remember it's his problem. Does your dad have a regular drinking problem or is this just an occasional thing???? If it's a regular problem then I suggest that you join A.A. for help with learning how NOT to let it effect your life.
I know that you think I was being harsh with you, and I was. But reacting like you did can land you back in the hospital. STOP, THINK, and LEARN......When you get upset over something... STOP.....For just a little bit....THINK about how you can deal with it in a healthy manner, instead of flying off the handle. LEARN to control yourseld in a healthy manner. Then things won't get out of hand....
Your birthday is coming soon, and remember NOT to drink to heavy, you don't want to happen, what happenend the last time you drank too much.....And you want to have a GOOD time.
Hugs,
Sid
Apparently your father isn't going to change..... So you need to change how you react to his problem. Remember it's his problem. Does your dad have a regular drinking problem or is this just an occasional thing???? If it's a regular problem then I suggest that you join A.A. for help with learning how NOT to let it effect your life.
I know that you think I was being harsh with you, and I was. But reacting like you did can land you back in the hospital. STOP, THINK, and LEARN......When you get upset over something... STOP.....For just a little bit....THINK about how you can deal with it in a healthy manner, instead of flying off the handle. LEARN to control yourseld in a healthy manner. Then things won't get out of hand....
Your birthday is coming soon, and remember NOT to drink to heavy, you don't want to happen, what happenend the last time you drank too much.....And you want to have a GOOD time.
Hugs,
Sid
hergy
02-26-2007, 09:29 PM
Hi, finegane.
I'm glad things have smoothed out since your first post on this thread.
I'm sorry I didn't post. Sometimes, I don't know what to say, especially when the topics are fresh on my plate.
You're a special person, and you're not an a-hole. When trouble swirls inside you, sometimes it's extremely difficult to keep your cool.
I used to cut and I remember doing a very similar thing with my best friend. I didn't mean to hurt her with the words I was delivering, I just wanted her to know the urgency and pain I felt. I know now making such threatening statements was a mistake.
I'm thankful for the times when Sid has been firm with me. My best friend often deals firmly with me and I view her as a blessing. When somebody's maxed out, they don't always respond to gentle whispers. Sid is full of love and insightful advice. You know she cares because she remembered your birthday.:)
I care very much, too.:wave:
Take care,
Nikki
I'm glad things have smoothed out since your first post on this thread.
I'm sorry I didn't post. Sometimes, I don't know what to say, especially when the topics are fresh on my plate.
You're a special person, and you're not an a-hole. When trouble swirls inside you, sometimes it's extremely difficult to keep your cool.
I used to cut and I remember doing a very similar thing with my best friend. I didn't mean to hurt her with the words I was delivering, I just wanted her to know the urgency and pain I felt. I know now making such threatening statements was a mistake.
I'm thankful for the times when Sid has been firm with me. My best friend often deals firmly with me and I view her as a blessing. When somebody's maxed out, they don't always respond to gentle whispers. Sid is full of love and insightful advice. You know she cares because she remembered your birthday.:)
I care very much, too.:wave:
Take care,
Nikki
finegane
02-26-2007, 10:01 PM
I hope that you know how much it means to me to have people to talk to, people that care and understand. i apologized to my friend, and everything is ok with her. i completely agree that im sure i told her that i wanted to cut because i knew she would freak out on me, that she would get mad and yell, not feel bad for me. i guess it was what i needed, the same with the reactions i got here. im trying very hard right now to focus on the good things, i dont want to go back to that place (depression) ever again, and i dont want to lose friends because i am caught up in my own emotions. i hope that i can keep coming here and talking with everyone, as it has really helped me so far.
my quote of the week:
"Don't let your past dictate your future."
my quote of the week:
"Don't let your past dictate your future."
stick2013
02-26-2007, 10:10 PM
Dear Fine,
What I heard in this post was that you needed someone to care......That you needed to feel loved, wanted and validated.....That you are missing something huge in your life right now, and are willing to do anything to make someone listen.....
You have my attention.....
Sid
What I heard in this post was that you needed someone to care......That you needed to feel loved, wanted and validated.....That you are missing something huge in your life right now, and are willing to do anything to make someone listen.....
You have my attention.....
Sid
finegane
02-26-2007, 10:19 PM
its stupid little stuff, nothing compared to what you all have been through. i feel like a jerk talking or complaining about it. im living at home this semester instead of at school, and my "friends" at school have pretty much forgotten me, forgotten that even tho that i am doing good now, i still need people to talk to, people to care about the fact that im still here. i dunno, its frustrating. i guess thats why i told my friend that i was going to cut the other day, because ive gotten so used to using crisis as a way of getting attention. im working on changing that. sorry to bring up something so menial in a board that is anything but that
stick2013
02-26-2007, 10:24 PM
Fine,
It's ok, nothing is too small. Pain is pain... No ones pain is more or less than mine...OK????? i understand how hard it must be for you right now. Is there a way that you can at least hang out on campus with some of your friends???? But I have to tell you this....If they have forgotton you already....Were they really your friends to begin with???
Sid
It's ok, nothing is too small. Pain is pain... No ones pain is more or less than mine...OK????? i understand how hard it must be for you right now. Is there a way that you can at least hang out on campus with some of your friends???? But I have to tell you this....If they have forgotton you already....Were they really your friends to begin with???
Sid
finegane
02-26-2007, 10:35 PM
i think ive decided that they were foul weather friends, instead of fair weather friends. i think they want to be a part of "saving" me, and now that they dont have that, they dont see any reason to be friends. its pretty crappy, but i have found who my real friends are. I do get to see some of my friends, and im looking to live with a different group of girls next year, which will hopefully make a difference. i love my old roommates to death, but if theyre only going to be there when things are bad, how do they expect me to feel good for them.
i just got off the phone with my boyfriend, he was telling me that someone in his class has had a lot of the same problems as me, and he talked with her about how it was from the other side. im glad that hes talking about it, but it makes me feel bad that it happened. i just had to get that off my chest
i just got off the phone with my boyfriend, he was telling me that someone in his class has had a lot of the same problems as me, and he talked with her about how it was from the other side. im glad that hes talking about it, but it makes me feel bad that it happened. i just had to get that off my chest
stick2013
02-26-2007, 10:39 PM
Fine,
It ok, I do understand...... I am glad too that you realize that you have USED crisis mode to get people to pay attention to you... Thats one of the things I did as a kid... I used anything I could to get attention. The problem is......It pushes people away, instead of brining them closer.....Being healthy, and doing the right things are important......Having GOOD friends will help......
Sid
It ok, I do understand...... I am glad too that you realize that you have USED crisis mode to get people to pay attention to you... Thats one of the things I did as a kid... I used anything I could to get attention. The problem is......It pushes people away, instead of brining them closer.....Being healthy, and doing the right things are important......Having GOOD friends will help......
Sid
finegane
02-26-2007, 10:46 PM
i realized that last year after i started to feel better, thoughts clearer, etc. ive been doing really good with not doing it until the other night, i let my emotions take over and let old ways come back. i guess i will have to keep being conscious about that so that i can realize when im doing it.
its weird for me to think that i need attention like that, its not like i was ignored as a kid. i was always the smartest, the best at sports, good at art, funny, blah blah blah....youd think that would be enough attention. i dont really get that part of it....
its weird for me to think that i need attention like that, its not like i was ignored as a kid. i was always the smartest, the best at sports, good at art, funny, blah blah blah....youd think that would be enough attention. i dont really get that part of it....
stick2013
02-26-2007, 10:54 PM
Fine,
Falling back into old behavior is VERY easy. It's what we know, and are comfortable with, so we do it. Yes you will need to stay focused on NOT doing it... Hard thing to do all the time, but important.
I guess that maybe you were ALWAYS the smartest, best sport player, ect... Is it now that you are in college, there is more competition and your not the best, so you decided to act out to get the attention????
Sid
Falling back into old behavior is VERY easy. It's what we know, and are comfortable with, so we do it. Yes you will need to stay focused on NOT doing it... Hard thing to do all the time, but important.
I guess that maybe you were ALWAYS the smartest, best sport player, ect... Is it now that you are in college, there is more competition and your not the best, so you decided to act out to get the attention????
Sid
finegane
02-26-2007, 11:07 PM
that is a very good possibility...i go to a very difficult engineering school, decided to try out for the D3 soccer team, be everything that my family expected of me. well, i didnt do well in my first major, and i got hurt trying out for the soccer team and havent been the same since (athletically). im not the smartest, not the best athletically, i dont make my parents proud the way i used to. the past year ive been nothing but burden, emotionally and financially. they dont say this, but its how i perceive it. sometimes i wish that they would just say, yes, you screwed up, it hurt us all, but youve apologized and we forgive you. but when i say im sorry, my mom just says stop that...dont apologize. this is kind of off the subject, but i just thought of it.
stick2013
02-26-2007, 11:08 PM
Fine,
I know that I told you that you had my attention......But I am falling asleep at the computer, and 4 am comes early.....I am taking care of 2 dogs, and one is older than dirt. He has to go out now, and again very early in the AM...Thus the 4 am.... So I need to get some sleep hon.
I will be on in the morning to answer your post.....Sleep well, and BE GOOD!!!!!
Talk to you soon,
Sid
I know that I told you that you had my attention......But I am falling asleep at the computer, and 4 am comes early.....I am taking care of 2 dogs, and one is older than dirt. He has to go out now, and again very early in the AM...Thus the 4 am.... So I need to get some sleep hon.
I will be on in the morning to answer your post.....Sleep well, and BE GOOD!!!!!
Talk to you soon,
Sid
stick2013
02-26-2007, 11:11 PM
Fine,
Why do you feel that you have let them down???? Hon, you went through a lot last year... Give yourself a break.......All that you can dois the best that you can do.....Your parents love you. If you are having these thoughts then sit down with them and have a talk....
Hugs,
Sid
Why do you feel that you have let them down???? Hon, you went through a lot last year... Give yourself a break.......All that you can dois the best that you can do.....Your parents love you. If you are having these thoughts then sit down with them and have a talk....
Hugs,
Sid
finegane
02-27-2007, 11:19 PM
I always feel like I've let them down. that ive screwed up more then they thought possible. in my head, it shouldnt have mattered what i was going through last year, i shouldve been able to deal with everything, preferably on my own. thats how ive always felt, i guess its the perfectionist in me. i cant talk to my parents about this, i dont know why but i cant ever imagine it. at least not anytime soon. ive discussed it with my therapist tho.
Oh ya, for you Sid, and everyone else, please, call me Erica...it is my name :)
Oh ya, for you Sid, and everyone else, please, call me Erica...it is my name :)
ICC
02-28-2007, 08:22 AM
Hi Erica --- Perfectionism is another trait most of us share. Your parents eem to accept you unconditionally. Lighten up on yourself. You are human.
Hugs,
Grasshopper
Hugs,
Grasshopper
stick2013
02-28-2007, 02:29 PM
Erica,
It seems that you have some self esteem issues to deal with here.....I know that the last year kind of broke you somewhat. It most likely has the biggest effect on your self esteem. So you need to work on it. You are intelligent, you know that you are smart, and your parents love you so start remembering that ok. Stop seeing the negative, and start to focus on the things that you have done in your life. Build on them. Tell youself everyday that you are a valuable person.........
Hugs,
Sid
It seems that you have some self esteem issues to deal with here.....I know that the last year kind of broke you somewhat. It most likely has the biggest effect on your self esteem. So you need to work on it. You are intelligent, you know that you are smart, and your parents love you so start remembering that ok. Stop seeing the negative, and start to focus on the things that you have done in your life. Build on them. Tell youself everyday that you are a valuable person.........
Hugs,
Sid
finegane
02-28-2007, 10:08 PM
Self esteem issue.....most definetly. I was harrassed really bad in high school by a group of girls. Not that I had much self esteem before that, I was always the shortest one in elementary school so I got picked on for that too. Then when I thought I was doing better, first year in college, I went really downhill with my emotions. I think the real breaking point for my self esteem was when I was put in the hospital. I no longer had any freedoms, any choice in my life was taken away. I still dont have very good self esteem, and although its hard to believe, its probably at its highest point.
Hope everyone had a good day! :)
Hope everyone had a good day! :)
stick2013
03-01-2007, 06:36 AM
Erica,
Work on it... Everyone in the world have things about them that they are proud of. Find those things within yourself and bring it out. Whatever it is that you are good at, work on it, be proud of it, and it will help to raise your self esteem.
People that pick on other people, are doing it for a reason.....To MAKE THEM LOOK BETTER AT THE EXPENSE OF SOMEONE ELSE.....I now that children can be cruel, but when you get older a do it, it's for this reason, and it's just mean......
You're not in the hospital now, you do have control, and choices. Make good ones, work on your self esteem, and you will start feeling better.....
Hugs,
Sid
Work on it... Everyone in the world have things about them that they are proud of. Find those things within yourself and bring it out. Whatever it is that you are good at, work on it, be proud of it, and it will help to raise your self esteem.
People that pick on other people, are doing it for a reason.....To MAKE THEM LOOK BETTER AT THE EXPENSE OF SOMEONE ELSE.....I now that children can be cruel, but when you get older a do it, it's for this reason, and it's just mean......
You're not in the hospital now, you do have control, and choices. Make good ones, work on your self esteem, and you will start feeling better.....
Hugs,
Sid
ICC
03-01-2007, 08:23 AM
Erica --- sid just explained my professional life. being stepped on, lied about and belittled to make someone else look good. I could never understand jealousy but have had alot of it in my life. Those that just couldn't stand me getting ahead so they would lie. Why they couldn't just make themselves look good and leave me out of it i'll never understand. SELF ESTEEM. I have always been confident in myself until the last 9 years with this new boss who beat me down and stepped on me. I was stuck there for financial reasons but the damage he did to my mind , in hindsight, was not worth it. You are a great person. Believe in yourself.
Hugs,
Grasshopper
Hugs,
Grasshopper