well, Its 1.30am and I can't sleep. Been doing good but lately I've been a bit down. I guess its just stuff going on. I have an elderly neighbor that was in rehab about a month ago. She is home now. Lives alone. Its very stressful for me casue she relies on us neighbors for help but its getting to be to much. I've talked with her about not being able to be there for her all the time. She needs an assistant living place really but won't go there. I dont' blame her. 40+ years of living in her house....most of that time alone and to up and move....not something I could do.

Been painting our house on the outside. coming along good. great weather for it here. :) it was getting me down cause it was my parents house and it was like we are loosing them over again (both are passed away now) sounds silly I know:rolleyes: to be upset about painting a house. it does look so much nicer.:)

waiting for tax return to buy an oven. i wrote about that before. my dad put in the one we have now so to remove it is like loosing a bit of him again.:rolleyes:

i was debating on droping out of art class:confused: i dont know why....just cause. but i would feel like a FAILURE for sure...like i dont' already..so best keep at it. i do love it and its an outlet for me. besides there are only 3 more classes.

cant see my counselor as often. co-pay went up for now so till it goes down to where i can afford it........well, can't go as often. i was getting burnt out on "talking about how i feel" anyways.

work is good but not getting enough hours so worried about finances. i have 2 medical bills from last years hysterectomy that i'm still paying on. i'll be paying on them for a loooooonnnnngggg time to come. i've talked and whined to my company about not having enough hours. they say "wait a bit..." seems all i do is wait....wait for this , wait for that...

anyone relate???:confused:

~~~sigh~~~ have debated about calling my psychatrist. i see her in couple more weeks....just to ask her if we should change doseage or if its just 'stuff' getting me down. i guess its just this stuff getting to me. i get tired:yawn: but can't sleep...i KNOW someone can relate to that.....not sleeping...

i was bad last week. took an extra prozac one night...better not do that again. i felt a bit shaky next day after. should tell my psycatrist but feel embarrased. so probably wont'. i dont' want her mad at me.

alot of the time i feel like i'm in the way. i dont' matter. why would anyone want to write me. i mean they have time to send STUPID forwards.....can't they take a few minutes to write me personally:confused: well, whats the use anyways....i guess i drive them away with my constant venting when they say "write anytime" it would be nice to get some feedback...ya know.......no a dumb forward.:mad:

i try and try and it never seem to be good enough. i'm doing the best i can but it NEVER SEEMS GOOD ENOUGH. ever. helping my elderly neighbor....doing the best i can. i can't be a caretaker...i just can't. some of her family have our phone number so when they call her and she dont' ans they call us thinking the worst....i tell them she can't hear the phone most of the time. what am i an answering machine! i'm not running down there everytime they call and she dont' ans darn it.

my sister thinks i should get a better paying job. i LIKE my job an right now that is important for me. i can't and dont want to go through the stress of getting another job. ~~sigh~~ but that aint good enough i guess. at leat i have a job. some depressed people don't even go to their job. i go to mine, work hard, do my best but it doesn't seem good enough. oh, well........

anyway.......better not take anymore space here. thanks for listening to nothing. :(

It's not nice when you need sleep, but can't. I normaly get to bed 3 or 4 am.

Hang in there.

dear mokie,

you can't sleep well bec. like you said, you've got some stresses to deal with right now: your neighbor relying on you (even her family relying on you--it's not very nice). her family should be there for her more, especially if the woman can't hear as much anymore, and she's in poor health. and yeah, i would understand why she doesn't want to move into an assisted living place. who would, after 40+ years of living in her own home!?!!

painting the house is good!!!! and it's good it came out nice :) at least that may make you a bit happier. :) at the same time it brings back memories of your dad/parents, and of course, it's a bit of a downer...i know what you mean. but, like i wrote before once, they'd be proud of what you and your sis have been doing to keep the house nice-looking and in shape!!!!! i'm sure they would!!

if you enjoy the art class, don't drop it!! don't, mokie. it's making you happy. the same thing with work. you said you actually like your work. i know few people who can SAY that...so i'd recommend staying there for now. as long as you made a payment plan, and keep paying the bills, keep the job--since there will be all kinds of bills until the end of our lives, no matter what- you know what i mean? when we finish paying off one, another one crawls out from somewhere, so....so what if it'll be a long time? like i said, if your job makes you happy, stay!!! hopefully, if the company sees how hard you work and how good you are, they'll realize they have a good employee on their staff, and they would want to increase your hours there--God willing!

i also feel that most of the time what i do is not enough, so i know where you're coming from. although i struggle like cra.zy to meet demands and so on, i still feel bad. you know, mokie, i truly believe hat some of it is in our heads, because of our illness. and i have days like you, oh, do i have them.

about your friends not answering you, except forwarding you stuff, then vent more in here....i've learned to do that. a lot of people can only take so much. sometimes they say they want you to write, to tell them what's going on, etc., but i'm honest when i say that if we go on and on, they'll probably think "enough," or they may not even know what to say anymore., they may have ran out of "feedback" to give you...and that's why they send you those impersonal forwards. i get lots of forwards nowadays too...and i forward them back to the people who forwarded them back to me. i don't care about writing them anymore. maybe i'm even worse off than you are, because i think that if i write them too much, they'll think i'm annoying and i can just see them rolling their eyes at the computer screen. and they're good friends, but i know they can only take so much, because they're people too with problems of their own. they most likely don't want to hear my story yet again. and for those who don't have depression...frankly, i'm tired of hearing, "hang in there," or "it'll get better," or "why don't you join an excercise/yoga class?" yeah, tell me that when i barely have the energy to gett off of the couch and go to bed at night!

wanted to ask you about prozac, since you're taking it. you said you took it at bedtime, and you couldn't sleep. was it bec. of that? i'm tapering off of effexor now, and i'm extremely irritable (but no other horrible side effects of the type you've heard many people talking about). i cry easily now, whereas before, i didn't. i'm mad, and i find myself hitting the walls with my fists, i'm becoming very nasty, cursing (especially in the car), like a sailor, etc....and i'm alone when i do this!!!!!!! at work i manage to keep a facade, a front of sorts, but when i find myself alone, sometimes, i find myself tearing up and praying to God to keep me strong to make it through the day.

besides not being able to take the prozac at night, from your experience, what did you feel when you first got on it? i'm asking you this, since i plan to try that med. next.

thanks a lot for any input you may have.
and don't quit your job or the art class--if they make you HAPPY!!!!!!
hugs and blessings,:angel:
dakota

:wave: HI Mokie.....I just wanted to throw in here. Who told you to take prozac at night:confused: I am really really confused on that one...It is a upper type of antidepressant. I would do a little experitmenting and possibly take it in the A>M> and not a night and see if in a couple of weeks you are back to sleeping...

ONe has to remember antidepressants are mind altering drugs....they can do alot of changes to our bodies....

I hated prozac...gave me the most outrages thoughts and nightmares...

Also do yourself a favor. It is sooooo very nice of you to take care of your neighbor. BUT do you think that possibly it is just to much for you. You haven't gotten over your parents yet.

My advice talk to her family and tell them to get her a In home caretaker. You have enough on your plate for now...

I agree I am sure your parents would be so Happy to see the house painted:)

Have a beautiful day!!!

:D

[COLOR="My advice talk to her family and tell them to get her a In home caretaker. You have enough on your plate for now...
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i agree!!!!

thanks for listening and understand about all the stuff we deal with with depression.

i have talked with my neighbors neice.......who is in oklahoma....1,000 miles away and told her i can't be there for her all the time. i can't. i've even told my neighbor that i can't be there. so they know.

i take my prozac in the am. it was just that one night i took an extra one cause i was in a "i dont' care" mood so took one to see what happened. felt like taking the whole bottle. but i repented and better not do that again. i take 20mg generic...i think the generic name is fluoxitine or something like that. every other day i take one capsule and then 2 so it evens out to 30mgs. i like it. it does help me alot. i'm not cutting or suicidal on it. which is my psycatrist main concern. she leaves the talk theraphy to my counselor but will listen to me. :p

Mokie, you have a lot of stuff that is bringing you down right now. I am so sorry that you are feeling bad. It is really good that you can identify what is making you unhappy/stressed right now. This is the first step. I'll bet last year or so you wouldn't have even been able to see what was upsetting you. The missing your parents is natural Mokie, it's okay. Sometimes I think that many folks think that the only appropriate emotions to have are joy, contentment, etc. No, sadness, anger, etc. are okay too. This is life.

It's your decision about your job. If you like it this is fine. If you need to step outside of your safe habitat in order to widen your experiences this would also be good for you.